RATING: Can you watch? You can read.
SUMMARY: Buffy reflects.
FEEDBACK: Do zebras have stripes?
DEDICATION: To my Samantha.. because you're not feeling well, and that card didn't go through. Love you! Get well soon, sweetie.

When I think about it, I'm older than one would think. Sure, I'm just nineteen, but to those who know me, I'm ancient for someone with my career. Now that I think about it, what would my resume say if I were to go apply for a job? "Special Weapons Coordinator?" It's weird when you think about it. My job that I have now, is the only thing I know how to do. I could work at the local fast food joint and flip burgers, but I wouldn't. That's not what I'm supposed to be doing. And can you imagine the chaos that would come along with working there? It wouldn't work out. I would get fired or have to quit the moment I was hired.

Then there's my whole life decisions I'm supposed to be making. Well, isn't choosing not to die every night a life decision? I think so, but I don't know about everyone else around me. Everyone I know seems to know what's right for me, but myself. How am I supposed to decide what I want to do five years from now, if there's no guarantee that I'll see tomorrow?

I think that's something they'll never get. No matter what they think they know, they're really just the same as everyone else. Of course they know a little more than the average person, but really, it's just a small insight. I wish they could see it, and know how hard it is to make future decisions when you don't even know if you're going to have a future.

But then again, I don't want them to have that. I want to know that they are going to get better opportunities in their life because I know that one day I will die for them. Maybe they will die right after I do, or a long time after. At least I know that I fought so they could have that one moment to say and think everything they need to before they pass away from the earth.

Last moments. I wonder what mine will be. Will I die at the hand of some masterful demon or vampire? Or will I be caught unaware and my life taken from me in that moment of slip? But what if I don't die because of the super natural? What if it's something like cancer? Granted the Slayer body is more immune to things that the regular human body gets, but I'm still human. With my Slayer attributes, the cancer could go undetected for a long time, and then when they find it… it'll be too late.

I would be lying if I said death doesn't scare me because it does. I guess it's because I know it's going to happen. And I know it won't be when I'm an old lady. What I know is that I'm going to die young. I'll be lucky to make it to my twentieth birthday. That's what scares me. I know that I'm going to die, I can feel it, and I know that it's going to be soon.

So what do you do when you know death is approaching you? Do you start saying your good-byes? Make sure you're around the ones you love? I don't know. What I do know is that they'll never know. They'll know when it happens and not a moment sooner because they don't need to deal with this pain longer than they have to. They are too important for that.

So what do I do until that day? Do I run and hide? Sit around and wait? That's not the answer. I continue to fight. I fight for everyone I've ever met, going to meet, or never will meet. Why? Because it's what I have to do. I have to fight to balance out good and evil. I'll never give up. Even when I'm going down, I'll still push. Because those people are what makes it worth it. Because I know that as I go down, they'll get one more moment. One more moment to add to their box of memories.

Something else I know is when I go down, that's when it happens. I'll have learned everything I needed to as my time as the Slayer. And my life will end. Because then it's time to find someone new. Someone else to share the knowledge, someone else to fight to give one person one more moment.

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