RATING: PG
SUMMARY: Buffy thinks how she misses Riley. But with all of the wrong reasons, she realizes that she does not miss him, but the fact that she felt nothing with him.
NOTE: I wrote this in a short amount of time. I tried to write a summary, but I don't think it will get the point across. This is not a pro-B/r fic. If you read, you'll get it. I hope. I find it somewhat confusing. So if you didn't I would really appreciate it if you let me know. I want to be a writer someday, and I'm trying new things, so I need to know what I need to work on. But please, don't criticize too much.

When I think about it, I do miss him. I miss how he made me feel. I miss how he held me. I missed how he almost made me forget. I miss how he made me forget how to love. I miss how with him, I didn't know what love was. I miss it because it was so simple to be with him. I miss him for all of the wrong reasons.

Maybe I should have been more caring of Riley's feelings, but I couldn't. Maybe I'm self-centered. I know I used him to get Angel out of my head, and when it started to work, I kept him around. Because being with Riley meant that I wasn't alone to cry over Angel. When I was with Riley, I didn't have to cry because Riley isn't supposed to know how I feel about Angel.

I loved Riley for all of the wrong reasons. Riley was comfort, an escape zone, if you will. If I was in Riley's arms, I was allowed to pretend. Because he couldn't feel how I felt, so he didn't know my smiles were all fake. So I wonder why I chased after him that night. Was it because I knew that if I didn't have Riley, I had no one. The only person that I really wanted, didn't want me. So I found second best. I wouldn't even say Riley was that. He was someone that could stop me from thinking about being alone. Because if I was alone, I didn't have Angel. And if I didn't have Angel, I was depressed.

For a moment, I thought I was better off with Riley. Because with Riley, I never cried. I didn't even cry when he left. That's when it hit me. I wasn't better off with Riley. When I was with Angel, I would cry almost every night for the things we couldn't have. And now I know that I liked that. Because that meant that I loved Angel. I never cried when Riley was here because I didn't care what we had or didn't have. All that mattered was that I didn't have to think about Angel.

Angel was my savior. Riley was my toy. I used Riley and when I was done with him, I threw his aside. He told me he let vampires bite him because he wanted to know the power that Angel had over me. What he didn't understand was that Angel had more than a mystical hold over me. His hold over me was pure, and unrestrained love. With Angel, every time we were together, my heart became so filled with love, I knew no emptiness. With Riley, all I felt was emptiness. And I was happy to have that. Because I don't ever want to share with another man what Angel and I shared.

So now here I am, still standing where Riley took off in a helicopter, not an hour ago. As I look up into the sky, I see a shooting star jet across the black night. The star lights something inside of me. For the first time since Angel left, I feel that there is hope for me. Because now, I know what I want, and I plan to not rest until I get it. I know it may be years before my love returns to me, but that's okay because in my heart I know that he will come back. And when he doe, my heart will be mended. Because each day, I will begin to feel more and more. With Riley gone, so is the emptiness. And now, I can love for all of the right reasons.

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