Rating: PG
Disclaimer: All rights belong to Joss Whedon and Co. I don't own any of the Buffy or Angel characters or the background. I wish I did, but unfortunately, that's not how reality works...
Pairing/Couple: Buffy/Angel
Summary: Angel's POV. Angel asks himself the timeless question, "Is it all worth it?" (Just try and bare with me. You'll get the point later.)
Author's Note: I've been joined to several egroups since the summer but I've never really said anything. I've just pretty much been lurking, as some would say. I've written a few fics, but I never really posted them. I have a lot of thoughts...like all the time...probably too many. My sister suggested I write a POV fic and submit it so I'm taking her advice. (Sorry if I'm boring you. I know you probably don't care.)
Feedback: Please be nice. I'm still kind of new to the whole writing aspect of fanfic. But please send me some. I'd really like to know what you think...maybe even get a little encouragement to send more. (As you can see, I can be very insecure. I'm pathetic, I know.)
Oh, and I want to apologize if you get this a few different times. I submitted to several different lists. So sorry if I fill up your mailbox.

Everyday, I wake up and my life is the same. Everyday, I fight demons, vampires, and all things evil. Everyday, I make the world a little safer for the people who are completely clueless to the dangers present in it. Everyday, I wonder, "Is it all worth it?"

I have been alive for two hundred and forty-five years. In that time, I have experienced pain, death, destruction...most of which I was the cause of...but most importantly, I have experienced love.

My life started out as one of luxury. My father was a merchant and he made quite a lot of money. We lived in a beautiful house in Galway where we had a servant or two...until I killed them of course...along with my family and friends.

I had everything I wanted. I had a family I loved. I had the money I loved. Most of all, I had nightlife. I would go to taverns and get drunk with my friends, a habit my father hated, of course. But I didn't care. All I cared about was drinking and having what I considered to be fun...especially with the girls. I loved the girls. I could have any girl I wanted and they all wanted me...and maybe that's why I am what I am.

I was turned by a vampire named Darla one night in an alley. I was thrown out of a local tavern after I became so drunk, I could barely stand. I was walking home when I saw her. I saw Darla standing in front of me...standing there like an angel, more beautiful than any woman I had ever seen. She had long golden hair, all of it laying in soft curls. I offered her an escort home and she offered me a lot more. She offered me eternal life.

She wasn't just a vampire, though. She wasn't just my sire. She was so much more than that. She was my consort. She was my mate...well at the time, I thought she was. She was my obsession. I lived...well, existed for her...with her. I was devoted completely to her. She was my vampiric definition of bliss.

We spent one hundred and fifty years together...causing mayhem and destruction anywhere we went...killing anyone and everyone we came across. We caused so much hurt and so much pain...and the worst part was, we didn't care. We didn't care about who the people were or if they had families. We didn't care who their deaths would upset...who would mourn them. The only thing we cared about was having fun. And that was what it was.

And we kept on killing and destroying...until I destroyed the wrong girl. Darla and I were in Romania. I happened upon a beautiful, young girl. I decided to turn her into my next...project. After I had my fun with her, I had...well, even more fun. I killed her. As it turned out, she was from a gypsy clan, the Kalderash clan. She was favored among her people. After I killed her, they created the ultimate punishment. They cursed me. They gave me a soul...a conscience so that I would live in eternal torment...feel eternal guilt for what I had done...and I did.

The wonderful eternal life I thought I had, changed. The bliss I was living in that was full of death and pain became guilt. I thought Darla had given me a gift when she turned me...but, as it turned out, she had damned me. Instead of a life of pleasure, she damned me to a life of torment. For over eighty years, I lived with the blood of every single person I had killed, every life I had destroyed, on my hands...and it couldn't be washed away. I lived with it for over eighty years and I still think about all those innocent people every day of my life.

And the only reason I still exist in this world is because of one girl...one girl that, at the time I didn't realize, would change my life forever. That one girl was the slayer.

Buffy Anne Summers was a sixteen year old slayer that was as strong as she was beautiful and as brave as she was mesmerizing. She had so many qualities...none of them bad...well at least not according to me...then again, some might say I'm biased.

Not only did she change my life...but she made me feel things I didn't think I was capable of after all that time. I was enchanted by her...maybe even infatuated. She made me feel strong. She made me feel like I meant something. She made me feel alive. Most of all, she made me feel happy. And that wasn't something that was easily accomplished...and for her to achieve that without even trying proved how amazing she truly was.

Just looking at her made me happy...but to be able to be with her, made me ecstatic. She was what I had wanted my entire life, even if I hadn't realized it until I saw her...but I did want it...I wanted her...and the really amazing thing was...she wanted me, too. She wanted me even after she knew who I was...what I was. She wanted me. She even loved me...and I loved her.

We were so in love and completely devoted to one another. Sometimes, it was like there was no one else in the world except the two of us. Everything was perfect and we thought nothing could destroy what we had...what we were...we couldn't have been more wrong.

The night of her seventeenth birthday, the night I gave her a claddaugh ring and told her I loved her was the same night I broke her heart and turned into the one thing I never wanted to be again. I became the monster that killed those helpless, innocent people all those year ago. I became the baddest vampire in history. I became what they had described as the Scourge of Europe. I became Angelus...and it was because of her. But it wasn't her fault. I know those two statements completely contradict each other but they're both completely true. It was my fault I lost my soul but she was the reason I did. When the gypsies cursed me, they, apparently, put added a clause I was unaware of. If I was ever to experience a moment of true happiness, of perfect contentment, I would lose my soul...and one night in her arms made that happen.

The night of her seventeenth birthday, we made love and it cost me my soul...and a part of me still doesn't regret it, even though it caused a lot pain and death.

And, in the end, it almost resulted in the ending of this world. I almost sucked it into hell using Acathala...and at the time, I didn't care who it would hurt or who it would kill. I was once again a master vampire. The only thing I cared about was destruction. Destruction of this world and all the people in it.

But right before the world could end, the slayer I once loved, the girl I once lived for, saved it. We were fighting to the death, swords and all. She was about to kill me when I regained my soul. Willow completed the restoration spell and my soul was returned. I didn't remember anything that I did at the time. I wasn't really aware of what was going on. The only thing I was aware of was her. She was standing in front of me. That was all that mattered. I kissed her and I held her and I told her I loved her and that was all I wanted. And it was the best thing in the world. And the best thing about it was that she told me she loved me. I could hear it a million times but it wouldn't make it any less invigorating...any less wanted.

But no matter how happy I was at that moment, our reunion had to end. And, as it turned out, it had to end badly. Buffy had to send me to hell. She had to stab that sword through me and say goodbye. She had to be strong...I don't know if I could have been that strong...but I'm glad she was.

I suffered through centuries of torture and torment for the few months I was in hell. But that was okay because I did it for her. I wanted her to live and I was glad that she did. I was glad that she sent me there because I would have rather her be in this world than me.

And, for whatever reason, I returned to this world. I returned to her. She took care of me and helped me regain the strength that I had lost...but we couldn't be together. We couldn't be together because it was dangerous for the world around us...because of my curse and the clause that came with it. And we tried to accept that...we really did...but we couldn't. We eventually got back together. And I was happy like before. After all, what else could go wrong? We knew about the curse and we knew how to keep it. It didn't seem like there could be anything else...until a voice of reason and ultimate insanity spoke...Buffy's mother.

She told me that Buffy and I shouldn't be together. She said that Buffy should be concentrating on school and normal teenage stuff and that shouldn't include me. She didn't mean it to be hurtful and she didn't say it in spite of anyone. She was just doing what she thought was best for Buffy...and what turned out to be the worst for me. But, no matter how hard it was for me or how much it hurt, I took her advice. I ended my relationship with Buffy so that she could have the normal life she deserved.

I left right after her graduation, right after what would have been the mayor's ascension. It was hard to walk away from her...especially without saying goodbye but I did. I did it for her because it was what she needed. After all, I wasn't anywhere near good enough for her. I didn't deserve someone as special and wonderful and alluring as Buffy. I never did and I never will.

It's been a year and a half since I left her that day. I've seen her twice and both times have been painful. It was the first that was most memorable and meaningful. That was when I became human...

She came to see me...to yell at me for not telling her I had been in Sunnydale on Thanksgiving, watching her. We were arguing...well it was more her yelling and me being sorry, when a demon crashed through the window. After we fought with it, it jumped back out. Of course, we had to find it and kill it. We couldn't just let it roam free...and a part of me, maybe even a big part, didn't want to kill it. I wanted it to stay around so that she would too. I didn't want to see her leave. I wanted her to stay with me...forever.

We ended up splitting up. I stayed and searched the sewers while she went out into the day to look for it. I ran into it. We fought and I killed it, but not before some of its blood mixed with mine...and all of a sudden, I could feel this pounding in my chest. It was the best feeling. It was the beating of my heart...I was alive.

Doyle took me to the Oracles and they told me it was permanent. I was alive...human and I was going to stay that way. Buffy and I ended up spending the day together...and the night. It was like heaven on earth. I had my Buffy back again and I was glad. I once thought Darla was the definition of bliss but I was wrong. In that day and the years before, I realized that that title belonged to Buffy...she was the definition of bliss and more...she was my happiness.

But, as it turned out, I couldn't stay human. I almost got myself killed going after the same Mohra demon that had turned me human. It had regenerated itself...and it was bigger and stronger. I tried to fight it myself but I couldn't. Luckily, Buffy showed up and was able to kill it and save me. After that, I went back to see the Oracles. I knew I was a liability to her and they confirmed that she would die. I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't let her die and not do anything about it. I needed to become the soulful vampire again so that I could help keep her alive. I gave up my life so that she could live...even though I knew we couldn't be together if I did so. It was the hardest and the easiest decision I have ever had to make.

I went back to my apartment and told her I had to give up my humanity. I told her that the Oracles were going to turn back the day so that I could kill the Mohra demon before it made me human...that I would be the only one to remember everything that happened that day. She didn't want to forget. She even promised she wouldn't...even though she did. But I don't blame her...it doesn't make it any easier to know what we...what we could have had.

I've been through and given up so many things for her. I've been to hell and back. I've sacrificed myself. I fight for this world every day to make it safer for her even though we aren't together.

Do I think it's all worth it?

All I have to do is look at her and I *know* that it is.

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