DISCLAIMER: JW, WB, ME, Fox, SMG/DB...they, plus a lot of other people who aren't me own them.
SPOILERS: Angel left Buffy. S4? I don't know.
SYNOPSIS: An entry in Buffy's diary.
DISTRIBUTION: Take it if you want it. Just let me know where it is so I can be shocked that someone wants it.
RATING: G, with sweet, mild angst? I don't know this either.
FEEDBACK: I'm shy. I'm no longer a fic virgin. Be nice.
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
1. First attempt. So...short.
2. I can't really Buffy-speak. Sorry.
3. Title makes no sense 'til end.
4. Concert=fun. Song inspired fic. Duh! I did. I might even have to write a couple fics. Scary. The song was called 'Til You Let Go' and all I remember are the last two lines of the chorus. It will make send
DEDICATION: To no one 'cuz if it sucks I'd have to have them blamed if I say, 'to ? for inspiring me.'

It's so quiet. Not that I'm complaining after those mid-terms...I'm so wiped. And I'm happy to actually have some time to myself. It's like I'm always surrounded by people so I never get a chance to relax and think about things.

Patrolling is definitely easier when nobody wants to play...although not as much fun. That's how it's been recently...when there aren't any big evils to stop. I'm going from crisis to crisis here. I kind of miss the days when being a Slayer was pretty much about vamps, with the odd demon thrown in for variety. Now it's apocalypse, demon, annoying demon, guys playing army (never mind that I'm dating one) for god knows what reason, really big demon, apocalypse...with a vamp or two for an appetizer. I think I should get my shirt changed to 'I'm an evil slayer - ask me how'. Oops! We've had that all ready. Need some new vocab.

Things are better with the Gang, though. Granted Willow's still got Oz missage, but her new friend Tara's helping ease the pain. I'm getting some interesting vibes from the girl though; hope Will doesn't hurt her.

Spike's annoying but useful-now that he can help. I just love how he's being forced to help...Besides he keeps me amused and helps with my quips. Practice, right? :)

Xander is actually starting to act like a human. Maybe the constant sex is helping. If he's getting it, he has time to focus on other things. Of course, he still has no fashion sense (always did agree with Cordy on that one) and makes dumb jokes...but he keeps things light.

I worry about Giles. He seems so lonely, although I know he thinks I don't notice. When Olivia was there, apart from icky images, at least he seemed happy and had someone to talk to but he's not really doing anything. So...worry. I know I hurt him by not telling him about Riley and the Initiative and that comment about Professor Walsh. Ouch! It's not because I'm trying to 'handle it myself'. I don't know what I would have done/would do without him. I think it's 'cuz he's like my dad. Especially since my last b'day. You know, keeping things from parents especially if they relate to the guy you're seeing? Of course, it could be the whole not dealing thing...

Riley. Sure he's got the whole wholesome, normal guy thing going for him, and the worship thing is flattering. (Especially after...well we won't mention him.) But look at how he views 'huntin'-fun? A 'once-it's-done-forget-about-it don't-let-it-affect you' thing. I remember when I felt that way. Sort of.

But to be honest I wouldn't want to still feel that way. I think if I still did, I'd have lost part of me to the bad guys. Not my innocence, but the part of me that forces me to go on. I might have ended up like Faith or turned into some kind of slayerbot.

I told Kendra that 'emotions give you strength' and she learned I was right, even if it was just a shirt. Sure, I know I've failed, but I've won, too. My greatest triumphs and defeats were won or lost on my emotions. Poor Angel.

I know. It seems like I've forgotten him. I'm just living my life the way I can right now. I'm not sure how to be me without him, so I live more shallowly (is that a word?) so I put that part of me in here, and keep it in my heart with him, just as I know he keeps me in his own.

You don't think that I'd really forget him, what we've shared - good and bad, what we felt... I know I was angry and hurt but that's part of the deal. The whole passion-pain-love thing. Yes, he left me but I know he loves me as much as I love him, and that deep down he knows, like I do, that with or without the rings, we belong to each other. Our love survived jealousy, death, Faith, Spike, my friends, his 'family'...a little time apart is not going to kill it.

Mom, Will, Xander...so many people have told me, right from the start, that I need to find someone else, to 'let go' of the past. But how can I let go of something that isn't 'of the past?'

There's this song I heard recently. Not my type of music but the last couple of lines stuck in my heart. "I'll keep holding on until you let go."

That's how I feel. I'll keep holding on until Angel lets go-not just by moving and giving us time apart, but really and truly... I know it will never happen. Even if I die long before he does, and we're still a part? He'll still be there keeping our love burning in him...and I'll still be holding on.

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