Disclaimers: Yup, Angel's mine. He's my very ownvampire and you can't have him! :P No, really, I don'town any of them.
Summary: It's two years since IWRY, and Angel reflectsback and thinks about what it means to be human.
Distribution: Anyone who has any of my other storiescan have this too. Anyone else, just ask.
Spoilers: IWRY, To Shanshu in L.A. I think that's it.
Rating: Oh, PG at the worst. Really.
Author's notes: I was planning to write a new"Warriors" story for the IWRY anniversary, but almosta month has passed and it just isn't working. Butthen this idea struck me, and since I so rarely writeone part fics I had to go with it. So this is an IWRYanniversary fic almost a month late. Oh, and by theway, it's after midnight, I'm tired. I have no ideahow this is going to turn out.

All of my fics can now be found at http://www.geocities.com/ladycynamin/fanfic
/ / indicates italics.

I no longer count the time that's passed in days. Idid that for the first month or so. Now, I count itin weeks. Months, sometimes. But I still count howmuch time has passed, especially when I'm alone, justthinking in the predawn hours. I can't help it, evennow.

/_To wake up in time to see the sunrise./
/_To do any activity that includes the word sunset./
/_To not fear the sun./
/_To get a suntan./

It has been exactly two years since that amazing dayin November, when Buffy visited and a Mohra demon'sblood made me mortal.human once again. Sometimes I'llstop to think and wonder that she happened to be thereon that precise day, to experience those wonderfulmoments with me. Wonderful moments that never reallyhappened anywhere except in my memories.

/_To have midnight be late instead of early in my'day.'/

I wonder what would have happened if Buffy hadn't beenthere. Would I still have had the events reversed,the day erased? What would I have done without herthere? Would I even have survived long enough toshare the wonderful news of my rebirth?

I have no idea.

/_To stop dreaming of death and enjoying it./
/_To not have the same nightmares./

I started writing only a few days after ithappened.after it *didn't* happen. I think I wasafraid that if I didn't start writing it down I'dforget what it was like to be human. What it had feltlike. That without an effort to remember, it wouldall just disappear. It had never happened, after all.

/_To not carry around so much guilt./
/_To be truly happy, and not fear for my soul./

It has been exactly a year and six months since wefound the prophecy.*my* prophecy. The one that saidthat when my tasks were done, I would become humanagain. The one word that made the difference betweenduty and hope. The prophecy that gave me something tolive for.

/_To stop fighting internal battles that are harderthan the external ones./
/_To only have to fight other people's demons./

I don't think anyone else realized that we translatedthe scrolls correctly exactly six months after thatwonderful, disastrous day as a human. Why would they?It never happened, after all.

/_To not be able to smell blood./

On that day, though, this simple list of things Iwanted to hold onto from that day as a human becamesomething else. It be came a checklist of everythingthat I wanted to experience when I became human again.Everything that I couldn't be a part of as a vampire.The endless possibilities of humanity, whenever itcame. It became a list of the little things I missedand everything I still longed for. The things I wishI could take for granted.

/_To appreciate a gourmet meal./
/_To taste/

I surprised Cordelia when I first cooked breakfast forher and Doyle not long after that missing day. Thatwas just one example of me trying to capture one ofthose very human moments I couldn't quite be a partof. I wanted to taste everything like I had withBuffy - to be amazed at new combinations, and havesomething other than blood calm my appetite. It neverworked, of course, but that didn't mean I didn't try.

Eggs aren't that hard to cook. And I may not be agourmet chef, but at least my eggs were edible. Especially considering that I couldn't really tastethem the same way.

/_To be as comfortable in a church as in my own home./
/_To wear a cross./
/_To believe that my prayers are listened to./

I can easily admit that I hated anything that reminded me that I was a vampire, especially immediately afterthat day. I had been so *close*.but of course itcouldn't be. It wasn't time; there was too much leftto do. But still, I hated having to wait for aninvitation before entering a home. I hated that I wasconfined to the shadows. And of course, the bloodthat still filled most of my fridge. After all, thatis what kept me at least appearing to be alive. However false appearances can be.

/_To stop having to be aware of mirrors./
/_To see my reflection./

Then, after some time had passed, came the acceptanceof my situation once again. I could help people as avampire; I was strong, I was fast, I was hard to kill.I was needed by whoever or whatever the Powers ThatBe are to fight against evil. Strange, isn't it, avampire being needed to kill his own kind. To savesouls when my own was in a constant precarious state. But I could do it; I did it. And if I made anyenemies along the way, that could just be consideredthat my good work was being noticed. By the wrongpeople perhaps, but.

/_To not heal so quickly./
/_To hurt./
/_To feel./

Then came the prophecy. Once we had translated it correctly, it was like a promise of new life. Actually, that's exactly what it was. I hadn'tallowed myself hope in a long time. But now.to knowfor sure that all I had to do was survive what wascoming, avert an apocalypse or two, keep fighting.Icould do it. I could live again. It was like therewas nothing in my way.

/_To catch a cold./
/_To have a running nose./
/_A cough./

Of course, it's never that easy. There were obstacles, hard times, tears and terrors. but I madeit. I survived. And was surprised after all, becausesometimes it's the most personal of battles thatreally make all of the difference without us evenrealizing it. Sometimes it's the ones we fight insidethat are more important than the ones for the fate ofthe world. After all, how can one save the world whenone can't live with oneself within it?

/_To have a sore back./
/_A stomach ache./

It was a dream. I'm not kidding - that's what itfinally came down to: a dream. It had been a verylong night, but one filled with lots of small battlesinstead of some major war. Not that there hadn't beenmajor wars, just not that particular night. Thatparticular night I arrived back at my room andcollapsed from sheer exhaustion.

/_To be short of breath./
/_To breathe./

I was in a cavern, a cavern of my own mind. He was waiting for me - my demon, my shadow self. I wasseeing him totally as the *other*, as an intruder thatdid not belong in my body. I'd never really beenseparate from the demon like that before. It wasright though, I saw quickly - he didn't belong in thisbody. We'd long been fighting a war inside andconstantly ending at a stalemate. All these battlesagainst other people's demons had done one clear thingfor me, though - it had strengthened my soul.

He said he knew that some day it was going to comedown to a battle like this. I'll admit I neverexpected the battle against my own demon to turn outso literal. But then, I guess the dreaming mindinterprets such things however it knows best. Withme, a Warrior to the soul, that would of course beviolence. A battle to the death, I suppose.

/_To feel my heart beat./
/_To feel it race in anticipation./

I awoke after sunrise to find one very human thingthat I'd never thought to include on my list: to sighupon waking because you actually need air. I awokebreathing. I awoke with a heartbeat. I awoke alive.

/_To have gray hair./
/_To no longer look young./
/_To count my age not by how many years I've seen, butby how many years I've lived./

The very first thing I did was run down the stairs andout the front door into the morning sunlight. Come tothink of it, I nearly gave Cordelia and Wesley a heartattack when I did that. Maybe I should have told themwhat was going on *before* I bolted out the door; theyprobably thought I'd gone suicidal. But I was human. I had a drastically shorter lifespan now, and I wasn'tabout to wait another minute. Not if I could help it.

/_To love, and risk being loved.without fear./

The second thing I did, before I even bothered to eatbreakfast, was pick up the phone and dial the number Iknew by heart but had not actually called in twoyears. Not since those first couple of lonely monthsin L.A. where I almost spoke to her but could saynothing once she answered.

This time, I was going to speak.

The 7 seconds I waited before she answered the phonewere the longest in my life. (My *life!*) Yes, Icounted them.

/_To be a father./
/_To raise a family./
/_To pass on my family name./

I don't want to know the traffic laws she brokegetting from Sunnydale to L.A. so fast. To be honest,I don't really care. What mattered is that she wasthere, standing in the sunlight, looking at me waitingfor her outside the building. Her face broke into agrin and to my pleasant surprise greeted me with awarm hug. It was her words that truly warmed myheart, though.

"I dreamed of this."

So did I, my love, so did I.

/_To die, and not be dust./
/_To be remembered as a man instead of a monster./

That was two days ago, and she hasn't left. She has spent every moment she can rejoicing in my new foundhumanity with me. I'm falling in love with her allover again, renewing feelings that never went away. Ican see the same feelings in her every time I lookinto her eyes.

And so I can't help but smile as I check off a coupleof the entries on my list of human things. My 'to do'list for life. Right now, there is a beautiful womanwaiting for me to accompany her to the beach, tocherish the sight of us together in the sunlight. Andtonight I will do my best to show her what it was liketo live and love on a day that never happened but hasremained close to her heart.

I can't help but hope that, even though she doesn'tremember it, the dream of that day has remained close to her heart as well. But now is the time to replace it with brand new memories. To start a brand newlist.

/_To live - check./

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