DISCLAIMER: All Joss Whedon’s
TIMELINE: S6 S3
DISTRIBUTION: Alli, finally got it out, happy now?
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Some Angst, but happy ending
FEEDBACK: Please, it would encourage to on keep posting
RATING: Some cursing, nothing that bad

Part 1

It was the weirdest thing really. I tell Willow I am going to sleep for an hour, and the next thing I know I am sleeping for hours dreaming of?

Well I guess that’s not really a question because it’s very obvious. I mean he is only dark, tall, gorgeous and strong, but obviously not in love with me. His eyes are striking, beautiful, drowning eyes staring at… Cordelia.

Willow told me she dyed her hair blonde. Can you believe it? Blonde. Like me. Blonde. Blonde is supposed to be me. Buffy blonde, blonde Buffy. Not Cordelia. This is getting to me. I mean I only just died, and stupid vampire with a soul who is supposed to help the helpless and doesn’t even notice I am pain. I am suffering. Love you, my ass. I am helpless. He doesn’t even notice. I am the most helpless person in the world and you now what, no one knows but Angel always knew. I’m not even in his heart. He talks about his redemption, his destiny. He once told me I was his destiny. Once said I was his whole world and out. Not anymore. I don’t even share the heart. I am not even in it.

I had a dream about him. We were getting married and It felt so real, like he was actually there with me, like he actually loved me. So here I am dazed, going totally mental and there sits the phone. Next thing you know I am calling him.

“Angel Investigations, we help the helpless,” Says Cordelia’s voice. Copier, I think. She stole the only thing I had. Only thing I could lean on. Cry on. Even Dawn couldn’t match up to dark and dramatic.

“Hello,” I hear the ‘blonde’.

I look into the phone like it is the most dangerous thing in the whole entire world… almost more than falling in love.

“Hi. Can I please talk to Angel?” I say, hoping beyond hope she doesn’t recognize me. I hear her gasp and I knew I had no such luck. Me and luck, funny. Very, very, funny. I am hysterically laughing now.

“Uh, yeah. Hold on,” said the girl I hate so very much.

“Angel,” I hear his smooth, sexy voice on the receiver and I gasp. Now I am talking to him and I have n idea what to say.

“A-Angel,” I whisper. Great play the stupid damsel in distress, I say to myself.

“Buffy,” He says, surprise written all over his voice.

Yes, be surprised, and I hope it hurts. Yes. That’s what I want to give him. Pain

“Angel. Do you love me?” I say. Yes do you?

“Buffy what’s going on?” He says. I hear panic I his voice. Yes. Panic, Panic is good.

“Do you? Our was I just another slut?!” I mock.

“Buffy.”

But I drop the phone. Oh Gods. I look at my room and can’t be here, too much Angel. I just can’t be here. I run.

“BUFFY,” I hear him yell through the phone, but I ignore him. He doesn’t care, he never did. I was always an excuse but never big enough.

Tried, tried so hard to make him love me. Tried to make him stay, tried to so hard. Even let him feed off of me, but nothing worked.

“BUFFY,” the mysterious vampire, I am so madly in love with, called.

But I hear something and it makes me stop in my tracks, or my frantic running around. It is pain. Pain, steering, wheeling pain and I smile. Gleefully, happily, finally! His pain gave me a happy.

Suddenly his pain didn’t seem so bad. Everybody’s pain seemed good. Hate. That seemed like the only thing in the world. I ran, never so much in my life. Down the stairs, into the kitchen, bathroom. I locked the door and turned on the sick and splashed myself in the face with water. I look into the mirror. Ugliness and impureness, that’s what I see, someone who fucked up enough to have sex with Spike. I look at myself with disgust. I open my bathroom cabinet and take the pills. Opening the cap and drinking them torturously down my throat. You deserve to die. No one will miss you. You’re not worth it. Not worth it at all. I swallow one bottle after another. Finally the bathroom is full of water and bottles after bottles of pills. I drop to the floor. Slowly, I think, slowly. That’s good. But my head is spinning and I can’t think. Everything is so dizzy. I close my eyes and everything goes pitch black.

Part 2

I feel something, a cold something. My stomach feels like it is going to explode, and my throat is so sore. I feel something go through my body and up to my brain, telling it to wake up. OhGodOhGodOhGod, I keep thinking. My voice starts to come back to me. I feel my brain take control. Cough, it yells at me. Slowly, so very slowly, my mind and body figure it should wake up.

Out it came, so much. All my food and pills, like nothing I’ve have ever seen before. Maybe I’m so scared because it is my throw up, my barf, my disgust, my will. And my head sort of sounds like a church going OhGodOhGodOhGod, just without a tune.

My eyes our still closed because it’s black and that’s how I want it to be. I wouldn’t mind being blind, black forever. Not so bad. But I know I have to open my eyes, because I feel someone holding me and calling my name and telling me to breath. And I don’t want to want to open my eyes because I am scared of who found me.

Bit by bit I open them and I found my eyes on a shower spray. And I close my eyes quickly and the person gently swipes the water from my eyes. Oh God. Please don’t be…

“Buffy. Open you eyes for me. Please,” He begs gently.

Oh God. Why him? Why not Spike? I open my eyes and stare at his shirt, soaking like an ocean. I look up and see him looking at me with his brown, chocolate eyes. I feel like I am drowning, just not in water.

He strokes my hair tenderly, “Hey,” he says.

And I look at him and swear I see wings, beautiful, white wings. I look at him, why did he save me? He doesn’t love me, doesn’t care for me. So why couldn’t I just shrivel up and die without looking into his eyes one more time. But god. I am crazy.

I know he doesn’t love me. I know he just saved me because it’s his job. But deep down in my heart, I still love him. I love him with everything in my heart. And the only reason I didn’t try to die earlier was because I didn’t want to disappoint Angel. But now…

He picks me up and wraps me in a white fluffy towel. I never noticed how fluffy our towels were. He carries me and puts me on my bed and wraps me around in a blanket. He leaves for a second and I have to force myself not to whimper. You have no right to. You don’t belong to him. He comes back in with a warm glass of chocolate milk and I look at the glass and I feel like throwing up all over again. He puts it gently on the nightstand and comes onto the bed and wraps himself around me.

Angel, the very Greek- god is holding me. Holds me closely like he is scared I’m not going to be their when he wakes up. I take advantage of the situation, cuddling into his arms. And I’m so happy when he welcomes it, holding me more to him. He kisses my hair and starts whispering to me in Gaelic. I fall asleep in his arms, happy for maybe the first time in years. I fall into a black dreamless sleep, but still very happy.

Part 3

When I wake up I felt like I’m sitting up and moving. I hear a buzz in the background and I open my eyes slowly. I notice I am sitting in a car, and I swear that I fell asleep in my gorgeous Angel’s arms. Guess I was dreaming. Then I remember my phone call, my panic, my pain, my hate, and the pills. My face turns considerably white and I don’t know what I’m doing. I jump in my seat and turn to see Angel driving.

“Where- Where are we going?” I as quietly, looking at the ground.

He takes my hand in recurrence. I guess it was supposed to calm me down. I didn’t calm- oh hell, of coursed it calmed me and gave me naughty thoughts. Like his arms going around my waist and trailing his big wonderful, huge hands up my back, while I unbutton his soft and silky shirt. Seeing his big, hunky, muscular, chest while he kisses my… No bad thoughts, very, very bad thought.

I start hitting my head and then I remember Angel is sitting right next to me and I turn to face him and he has a look on his face saying ‘Are you crazy?’ but in a silly, happy, ‘what the hell are you doing sort of way.’

He sort of smirks and pulls the car over to a curve. I look at him with question in my eyes. He gets out his car and comes over to me, opens the door, picks me up, bringing me to the bench near the cliff. He holds me gently in his arms.

“Where are we?” I ask scared like.

Scared, why am I scared? He is the one that should be scared! Scared that I might break his head for never being there for me when I need him. Only when my mother died was he their and only like for eight hours. But he was there, I thought and that’s what’s important. And at least he wanted to *see me* after I came back to life. Not that he cared very much. I just can’t help that sad smile that comes across my face and still when I look into the future 5, 10 years from now I see my wrinkled and old body next to his. Not next to Xander, Parker, Riley or Spike but next to my first and only love.

“I don’t know,” he whispers, as he takes my hand and gently kisses it.

I’m startled, what does he mean, ‘I don’t know’. How are we doing get home? Dawn? And I try to keep making excuses as to why I should go back to Sunnydale, but really I only think of one and that’s my sister.

“What do you mean ‘I don’t know’?” I question.

Maybe… just maybe we can run away and he is going to take me to places unknown.

“I don’t know,” He repeats. He turns me around and whispers, “Run away with me.”

Part 4

I look at him and blink. Run away with him?

“Why?” I said in a shaky voice.

From all the people in the world he chooses to run away with someone and picks me?

“Why?” I repeat.

This time I want an answer and not that half sexy smirk that gets me wet in five seconds.

“`Cause, I love you. Because I want my life to be with you.” He says laying his forehead on mine.

This time I not only blink, I have to pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming. Trust me when I say that this is the last thing I ever expected to happen to me.

“Why?” I say again.

I think he is very pleased with my one word vocabulary. I’m pleased that I can actually say one word.

“Because you’re beautiful, kind, loving and I couldn’t even think of my life without you. And I just can’t stop loving you,” he says kissing my knuckles with a swift gentle kiss.

“Angel, ar- aren’t you u- u- upset wit- th me- me?” I question with trembles in my words.

He looks at me with a funny look like he is kind of surprised. He holds me closer to him like he did last night. Though he is holding me closer I can’t stop help but think why.

“Never upset with you. Scared to death when you wouldn’t answer the phone. I was never so scared. Cordelia came in-,” but he stopped. I don’t know why. Probably he saw the look on my face when he said that so called ‘blonde’s’ name. “Baby, I don’t love Cordelia.”

I snort, not because I doubt he loves Cordelia, it’s because he said her name. Is see he gets annoyed, I see it in his eyes.

“I love you,” he yells, shaking me slightly.

I laugh. A good healthy, beautiful laugh. He looks at me.

I whisper at him, “I love you too, my Angel.”

He smiles, a loving, warm, something you just didn’t see everyday, smile.

“You scared me to death. I was transfixed. When Cordelia found me she looked at me with question in her eyes and I knew what would happen. I just ran out of the hotel and came. It was thirty minutes before I got here, and I think I broke the speeding law. But I had to get to you, and I knocked down the door trying to get to you. And I saw you lying there and I was scared. I didn’t know what to do. When it was happening to Kate I was `alright I can do this.’ But with you I kept thinking, ‘Oh God, she can’t die. It’s Buffy, the love of my life,’”

I shivered. Oh God. He really loves me. Really wants to be with me. Care for me. He froze when he saw me, scared of what would happen. Wait, who the hell is Kate? I’m about to ask who this girl is and I bet you my money (not that I have any) that she is a blonde, but Angel continues his rant of how scared he is and I know its all my fault that he actually was scared, I mean Angel is never scared of anything. He is big tough vampire, but even as he keeps talking I just can’t help but be… happy.

I mean I know it’s selfish and horrible and a little disgusting because, hey you just tried to kill yourself. (And know that I have admitted it, it sounds so weird or a word I can’t think of) But when he talks I feel like I know he was scared. Like he truly felt fear when he saw me laying there with absolutely no life our conscious in me.

“Buffy, I love you so much. Don’t leave me. Ever. I can’t imagine a life without you. Don’t want to live in a life without you in it.”

I see real tears in his eyes. Those deep, loving eyes have tears. And he loves me! He takes my hand and brings it to his cheek, and I flicker. I don’t know if I flicker of sadness, happiness, angriness, anguish, or surprise. For the first time I notice his cheeks are a bit red, flushed. Then I notice his tan in the dim light of daybreak. I stare at him and let go of his hand. I get up and wipe my dress of dirt. But I notice his eyes. His pain and *I* looked at him pained. He lied to me, and has the guts to save me, to bring me back to life when he was… alive the whole time. Breathing, eating, god fucking human. I think how long he has not been telling me the truth. He gets up slowly.

“Buffy,” he says.

But I step back. He was alive, and he lied to me. He lied.

Part 5

He said he loved me, but he still lied. How can you have a relationship without honesty?

“Buffy, please,” he begs silently.

But I don’t care. Right now I want to kill myself again.

“So tell me,” I say, in a sing song voice, “How long? Human, must be new to you. Oh, I sure wish you enjoy your freedom. Oh and how is your happiness going?”

I can’t help but yell. And I’m angry. I see hurt and pain and… fear. Fear. Why the hell is he scared? Because he is a weak little being who can’t fight. God…

“Buffy, please let me explain.”

My eyes are raining with tears as I look at him.

“Explain. Funny. Very funny. Explain. Explain what! That you’re human. That you didn’t have the decency to tell me. Guess not!” I scream, shout, yell, screech.

Anything to show him the pain I am feeling. And I was stupid enough to think that Angel would take all my pain away. How dumb was I? But I forgot one thing. Angel was the master of all my pain. He ruled it! He mastered it! All my pain, hate and fear, he made it! But if I am going to be truthful to myself, he invented my love and passion. Still…

“Buffy. Baby, please,” he says.

That voice is so new now. I keep thinking how he lives, eats, sleeps, dresses. I bet he wears jeans and colors.

“When did it happen?” I hiss, shooting daggers towards him.

He looks down and I know I’m right. He has been like this for a while.

“Four months,” he whispers.

“Why?”

“They thought Connor should have a human father. Not a vampire.”

I stare. And for the third time today I am very confused. Who is Connor? Father?

“What?” I say confused.

He looks at me and sighs and I wonder what big tale he is going to tell me now.

“Connor… Connor was- is my son,” He says, looking anywhere but me.

He looks like he is deep in thought, like it really bothered him, or something was anyway.

“So you adopted a son or something?”

I laugh at him. ‘Some who can give you children.’ That’s what he said *to Me.* When he broke up *with Me.* I’m angry. I’m *so* angry.

“Actually… Connor, he is uh mine”

And I swear I would have dropped down and died if wasn’t *that* curious to find out how it happened. It doesn’t mean I’m not mad just curious. But still mad. And who the hell is the mother? Not aloud any moments of happiness, REMEBER! So how the hell does Angel have a son? See what I mean, curious.

I stare at him waiting for an explanation. And he is still starring at the floor like a little boy who had been caught doing something wrong. And now I’m just getting a bit impatient

“Well?” I say.

Crossing my arms expectedly. He looks at me eyes for a second then looks away.

“Last year uh I uh will you see… Wolfram and Hart will uh-”

But I stop him and his terribly, pathetic speaking of English. Who could blame him he was born in Ireland then went to Italy, France, England, Spain, China, and Romania. But still he has been in the US for hundred plus years and he should know English by now. He was in England so he should have *very* good proper grammar, look at Giles and all those stupid Watcher Council people.

“Angel, get on with the story. And speak like a two hundred fifty six year old vampire, or human and not an eight year old boy.”

He turns red slightly and I notice other things about him that I just didn’t notice before, maybe I was to busy being *insane.*

“Sorry I uh… sorry,” But I glare at him and he begins, “Last year an evil law firm brought back Darla,” I gasp slightly and nod for him to continue, “They brought her back to drive me insane, to bring back Angelus.”

This time I shiver. Angelus was just not my favorite demon. Angel looks at me for a second, and then he continues.

“When she first came back she didn’t care about anything. Four hundred years of torturing, killing people eventually got to her. It was like a button that got switched on. And when it did, everything happened at once. She had just found out that she was dying of the same disease she was dying of back then. Syphilis. She didn’t want to die so she asked me to turn her. I just couldn’t. I did everything in my power to so she could live a full life.”

I see him wince a bit and I can’t help but wonder what he did. Would he have given his life for her? But this is Angel. He would give his life for anything good expect for maybe Spike. But Spike isn’t exactly good. But he isn’t bad either. He is just… and now I’m thinking, why the hell am I sticking up for SPIKE! And before I could go on BROODING (Me brooding, I think my one hour with Angel is wearing off on me) Angel continues his story.

“She finally expected that she would die, but when she did that’s when Drusilla came and sired her. From there on it went downhill. I just wanted all my pain to go away. Everything I did seemed wrong. Nothing seemed to go right, so I just gave up and she was there. She was convenient. So I slept with her.” He looked at me for a second, but I couldn’t believe what I had just heard.

I wanted to slap him and run, but because I had no idea where we are I didn’t. So I stayed. But that didn’t mean I couldn’t give him a *nice* time about what he had told me. I’m going to get a happy out of this.

Part 6

“So you tried to lose your soul,” I say glaring at him. “Not thinking of all the people who could get killed. All your *friends*, all of *my* friends, my family and oh yeah *ME*!” I say shouting.

I see it again. My favorite feeling. My only feeling. Expect that one night that was so very long ago. PAIN.

“Buffy, I didn’t…I wasn’t thinking… I didn’t mean to hurt-” But I cut him off.

Pissed, beyond pissed. My God. What if I had to take care of Glory and Dawn but not only that also Angelus. Didn’t he think of anyone but himself?

“Didn’t think!” I yell. “I have to agree with you there. But did you forget who Angelus’s favorite toy to play with is. ME”

I stare at him. My eyes blaring in fire.

“I’m sorry. I’m really, truly sorry,” he says, looking at me straight in the eye.

He comes towards me and takes hold of my shoulder. I’m so mad, so tired, so unaware that I didn’t even push his away.

“Baby, I love you,”

My heart flutters slightly and I have to admit I guess I’m sort of jealous. The fact Darla could have sex with him and not me. Hey what about his soul…

Like he read my mind he answers my thought, “I didn’t even lose my soul. The only thing she gave was despair. And my epiphany. I didn’t… I don’t… I love you. I want my life to be with you,” he states.

And now I feel like the leader of the world and I could do whatever I wanted to do because he loved me. Hey, that’s just like the song, we sort of match to that. Really match to that. If we ever get married… And then I hear the irony in his words. Remembering the day so long ago when he told me the exact opposite. But everything was different back then. Angel couldn’t go into sunlight, he couldn’t eat, and they couldn’t make love. Now they could. She felt like she was going back in time.

Flashback Angel: You deserve more. You deserve something outside demons and darkness. You should be with someone who can take you into the light, someone who can make love to you.

Buffy: I don’t care about that.

Angel: You will. And children…

Buffy: Children. Can you say jumping the gun? I kill my goldfish.

Angel: Today. But you have no idea how fast it goes, Buffy. Before you will know it, you’ll want it all. A normal life.

Buffy: I’ll never have a normal life.

Angel: You’re right. You’ll always be the slayer but that’s all the more reason why should have a real relationship. In stead of this… Freak show. (Pause) I didn’t mean that

Buffy: I’m gonna go.

Angel: I’m sorry, Buffy. You know how much I love you and it kills me to say this.

Buffy: Then don’t. Who are you to tell me what’s right for me. You think I haven’t thought about this.

Angel: Have you? Rationally?

Buffy: No. No, of course not. I’m just some scrawny little school girl. Right?

Angel: I’m trying to do what’s right here. I’m trying to think with my head instead of my heart.

Buffy: Heart. You have a heart. It isn’t even beating.

Angel: Don’t.

Buffy: Don’t what? Don’t love you? I’m sorry. I didn’t know I had a choice in that. I’m never going to change. I can’t change. I want my life to be with you!

Angel: I don’t.

End Flashback

I look at him, my memory spinning. “Yeah, really since when?”

He looks hurt, but personally I don’t care. He hurt me. He broke up with me in a *sewer*, and yeah I sort of made him tell me there but still…

“Buffy, I made a lot of mistakes in my life. But this time I’m not. You’re my life, my heart, my whole world. I love you. Please,” he says desperately almost.

Taking hold of me I look at him and tears struck my eyes and I hug him tightly. I have never been anyone’s whole world before!!!!!! And I am ANGEL’S!!!!!!!!!!

He pulls me tightly towards him and kisses my crown and I feel his tears falling down on my hair, He pulls back so he can look at me.

“Run away with me,” he says.

“What about Dawn, Connor,” I say.

He looks at me and pulls me towards the car and I see through the window two almost fully grown children sleeping on the seat. I smile slightly.

“And how long have you had this child?” I ask surprised at seeing a grown child in the car seat.

“Long story and if you come with me I could explain,” he joked slightly.

“Let’s say I do say yes. Would I get anything I want? Like tons and tons of clothes?” I say smiling slightly.

He looks at me and nods, “Yeah, anything you want.”

I smile and come very close to him, “Do I get a lot of sex?” I whisper in his ear.

I feel his middle harden at my words and smirk faintly.

“Uh huh,” he nods, “Count on it.”

“You are aware you have a lot to make up for, so this may influence my decision to stay with you, when *we* run away,”

The second I ended my sentence Angel picked me up and swung me around the cliff.

“Angel, I’m going to fall,” I giggle.

Actually giggling, smiling, and laughing for the first time in who knows when. I hold on tighter to him and he brings his lips towards mine. It’s soft and beautiful and Angel treats me like I’m a present. His present. At least it’s better than mine. Death. But that’s long and gone and now my gift is an Angel. My beautiful Angel.

When we come up for air he smiles and I feel a squeeze in my thighs and I know I feel a very big bulge in *his* pants and its nice to know I turn him on.

“Ohm,” I hear someone cough.

I turn and I see Dawn and someone else standing next to her having an amused smile on his face.

“So you’re Connor?” I say and he nods. “You look so much like your dad. Expect for the eyes.” I touch his face and he doesn’t flinch at all.

“So you’re like going to be my mom,” he says.

I smile and look at Angel. He nods and I smile again. I look at Dawn and she is checking Connor out. I grin and look at my new family. My family. Family. I like the sound of that. With Angel. And lots of sex. Oh… This is going to be fun.

Angel comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me, “I love you.”

I look at him and kiss his chin. I turn around in his arms and say, “Oh, but I love you too, my Angel”

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