SUMMARY: Set in the future, Angel goes to see Buffy once he turns human. AN GST, sort of. An attempt to write off the writers block for The 9th Circle .
DEDICATION: To Doc, cause you helped me so much with this fic. And for the reason I wrote, thanks Gabe, I owe it all to you.
DISCALMIER: It’s all Joss Whedon’s and the song is Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls, should download to get the feel of the whole thing.
SPOILERS: Helpless in Season three of Buffy.
FEEDBACK: Very much wanted.

It’s been ten years since I have seen her. Last I saw her was at Willow’s funeral. But she didn’t see me. She saw the shadow of me when she turned and looked at me. Actually, she did see me. She looked me right in the eye, sort of waved and smiled the way she does and went back to the mass of people who were there to mourn her best friend’s death. And all the while, I stood near that tree. The very tree that Buffy and I had sat, talked, and kissed under more times than I can count.

But now as I stand in front of her window and watch as she works, in sunlight, I can’t help but feel all my feelings that were tucked so safely inside of me coming out once again. I take a deep breathe and I hope from the bottom of my heart that she will forgive me. All those times she sent me letters, begging for me to come to her, all those empty phone calls that never got answered, and of the visits. She would come, just to see me and I would just pretend to ignore the doorbell when all the while I had to stop myself from standing up and flinging open the door and begging her back. But then I would remember that was the reason she was there.

I, personally, have never been the kind of guy that likes to beg. I can ask for things, hope, pray, anything but beg. And as these thoughts run through my head I know they really aren’t true. When Connor went to hell there was nothing I wouldn't have done to bring him back to me. Begging being one of them. And I did. When I knew I couldn’t fight and I got beat up on the Day That Wasn’t, though I reasoned myself to be turned back, I knew and so did the Oracles that I was begging. And if they would have asked me to get on my knees and slap my hands together then I would have done it. When Cordelia was gone and I was searching for her I knew I would have begged to get her back...that's what you do for family. When I was in hell, I begged to be released just so I could get back to my love…

I knock on the door a little and my heart gives a little lurch in my chest. I hear footsteps and I can’t help but try to hide my face in the million yellow, pink, purple, white and red roses I had bought. The door swings open and I find myself face to face with a brown haired boy that sort of looks like...me? I shake my head and I can’t help but shrink some more into the flowers.

“Hi!” The little boy said, “I’m Gabe!”

And he looks so excited, so happy and innocent. And I wonder why Connor never could have been innocent in his time of youth. Why he couldn’t spend time with friends and people that loved him. And then I wonder why there is a little boy standing at the door. I look down at him and he shoots me this huge boyish grin. I wonder if he knows who I am or not, “Do you want my Dad?”

I look at him and I wonder why he is asking for his Dad. Buffy wasn’t married, was she? “Uh…”

But before I could answer Gabe runs off into the living room and I find myself on the porch waiting to enter but knowing not until she comes can I enter. And then I wonder… What if she really did get married? And if she had a kid? But if she did have a kid he would be so much older than that, wouldn’t he? Or maybe she adopted someone? No… would she? But wouldn’t for all those things she would need a husband? I start walking slowly backwards when someone comes to the door and I swear, never before have I felt so brain dead in my life. He looks exactly like me…

Was I cloned? Did Buffy marry a cloned me?

I shake my head. This isn’t really happening… “Hi,” the man says slowly, “Who are you?”

My voice is taken from me and I can’t find the words to speak. But looking into this man’s face I find little things about him that resemble Buffy more so than myself. The way his lips curve, the way his forehead wasn’t as big...then I begin to wonder, is this Buffy's and my son? “Um… is this the-“

But once again my voice catches me and my head begins to spin a little. There right in front of my face is the most gorgeous thing that I ever have seen. She stands beside the man holds the boy, Gabe, that I have figured to be the man's son and I can’t help but breathe a little. She is so perfect, and her hair is always nicely blow-dried and her make up is done so nicely, making her look younger than she really is, and I wonder why I hadn’t come to her sooner.

“Angel?”

Her voice is soft and I can’t help but feel my insides melt at the way she says my name. It has been so long since I have heard her speak my name. The night when I let her go again, when she begged me to stay. She looked so small there wrapped in a white sheet, holding it up to her chest, as she sat with her back against the board of the bed, tears running down her cheeks as she begged me not to go. But all I did was pull my pants on and button my shirt as she watched me. When I heard her begin to cry, I had to run, grabbing my shoes and running for the door. That was until I heard her gut wrenching scream of my name. I turned around and saw her huddled in the bed, legs pulled up to her stomach and I stood there watching her weep and when she looked up at me her eyes swam with tears. I felt a whole forming in my unbeating heart as I left her night the Hellmouth closed. The last time we made love.

“Angel?”

Her voice pulls me out of my thoughts. I look at her once again and then back at the people around her and I can’t help but feel that I don’t really belong. And the more I think about it, I realize that I never did.

“Hey Mom?” the man next her said, “Was I like a twin that you didn’t tell me about?”

He tries to joke but by the look in his eye he knows he is failing miserably. But the woman the man called Mom was still looking at me curiously. And suddenly all begins to come together. The desperate phone calls, the attempted visits, the tear stained letter...she was trying to tell me this. She was trying to tell me I had a son. We have a son.

“No,” she whispered slowly.

I want to come closer to her but I can’t seem to make myself. I can’t seem to make myself do anything but just stand there and stare at the family I have never known.

“This is…” but when she trails off I see she has a conflict.

Of course she has a conflict. Seeing her past love that she hasn’t seen face to face in almost forty years on her doorstep, in broad daylinght...it’s a good thing that she isn’t fainting.

“Buffy,” I say slowly, “I know this is a shock but I think…” but I trail off because *her* son is looking at me like I’m a murder and she is looking at me like she wants to shut the door in my face but isn’t.

I look back into the flowers in which took me so long to buy and I feel all the hope, love and happiness that I had been graced with these last few days drain way. The glare on her beautiful face and tells me all I need to know. That I have failed her once again. I start to retreat, taking the steps backwards to the sidewalks that lead me to the house that I was once so welcome to, know no longer to be seen near. I drop the flowers to the over grown grass as I make my way back to my car. Everything seems worthless.

//And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now//

But as I walk I feel my ego, pride and everything in me leave because I know at that moment I won’t ever see her again. Because instead of me leaving her, she is leaving me. I will myself not to cry and thinking about it makes me seem so weak; a master vampire turned human… crying.

//And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight//

I turn just like I always do and I feel my coat swaying in the slight breeze and my whole body is shivering and I feel like I know I won’t be able to move on without her in my life. But unlike all those other times, I look back at the elderly woman who is now standing in the doorway by herself, her gray hair flowing behind her. I see the tears in her eyes and I know now, that I can look into those green eyes, the ones that hold everything about her, that even though she might be older now she is still my Buffy. Always my Buffy.

//And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am//

She waves a little at me as she wipes the tears that well up in her eyes from her face and it’s then that I wish that I could just go up to her and kiss her and wish for her that everything would be alright. But she isn’t eighteen anymore and I’m not a vampire. I compel myself to turn around and keep walking to my new car, BXD or something like that. I had hoped when I bought it that she would like it. But I guess I won’t find out. I climb slowly into the driver's seat and put my hands against the steering wheel and I try to make myself breathe, but I really can’t. And I feel for the first time ever my whole life is coming apart.

//And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive//

I cry, letting everything out, because I haven’t done it since that night when she saved me from myself. I try to calm myself but I can’t because I feel everything coming and swirling around me. Everything from me is gone and all I had left is gone. And I cry, I just cry and for the first time I don’t think of anyone but myself and my needs. I look up and I see her looking at me. She smiles at me weakly and I see the tears once again in her eyes and I can’t help it anymore. I stumble for the keys that are supposed to be in my pocket but I just can’t seem to find them. I finally get a hold of them and press them into the keyhole and hear the engine come to life. I look one more time at Buffy and I see her and she waves again but I can only put my car in reverse and watch her. And when I see the words that she mouths to me, my whole body freezes.

Goodbye, my love. I love you. Goodbye.

And it’s over.

//And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am//

***

I hold a bouquet of roses that resembles the one I held that day on her porch and walk slowly through the cemetery. I take my time as memories begin to wash over me. When we made out against the trees, tombstone, and then some. When we would talk all night about everything, mostly how Buffy’s days at school went. The tingle in my body that had left me that day, I feel coming back to me. Maybe it is because she is so nearby.

I come to a stop when I see it. A jade stone. I hate that stone. I stand in front of it and look down at what it says, and I don’t want to believe it. Because if I do, then everything falls away. I die right now. Tears well up and I drop the flowers in the cool grass, just like on that day. I drop to the ground, knees collapsing and I cry, begging whatever gods will listen to bring her back to me. I place my hands on the ground, trying to feel her there with me. The words that she had last uttered fill my head and finally I am able to reply.

Goodbye my love. I love you too. I’ll see you soon.

***

“Angel, if I'm not the Slayer, what do I do? What do I have to offer? Why would you like me?”

“I saw you before you became the Slayer”.

“What?”

“I watched you, and I saw you called. It was a bright afternoon out in front of your school. You walked down the steps... and... and I loved you.”

“Why?” “Cause I could see your heart. You held it before you for everyone to see. And I worried that it would be bruised or torn. And more than anything in my life I wanted to keep it safe... to warm it with my own.”

//And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am//

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