Rated: PG
Dedicated: To Scott, by best friend, despite his being a violent Angel-Hater
Feedback: If you want... but I just wrote this in like five minutes for a giggle, which I got, so...
Distribution: Hey, if you want it... *shrug*
Notes: My best friend had a dream last night, in which three things were prominently featured: a decapitated mouse, three supermodels in his driveway waiting to ride his bicycle (*snicker*), and -- get this -- a vampire cow. Now, all Freudian dream theories aside -- A VAMPIRE COW????
I immediately thought of Riley. I've made it clear that I'm no Spork-Wielding FishBoy Hater, despite my Rabid B/A Shipper-ness. But HOW could I POSSIBLY pass that up???
So, here it is: The Unfortunate Demise of Riley Finn

Riley sighed deeply and looked out at the sun just beginning to appear on the horizon. While the rest of the world still snuggled deep in their cozy beds, the farm was already springing to life -- the cock was crowing, the cows mooing, and the pigs snorting hungrily along the fence of their pen.

It was good to be back in Iowa, where the land was flat, the people simple and kind, and there was nary a sign of a demon, vampire, or Slayer to be seen.

He missed Buffy... mostly. Missed the way she laughed, the way she moved, and even the way she fought. He missed her pretty hazel eyes and her sweet lips, and her warm, strong little hands.

What he didn't miss was the constant darkness and chaos that constantly surrounded her. Danger, death and Armageddon hung like a cloud over her and all of her friends, like it they were a natural part of the group. It was making him crazy, feeling like the fabric of his reality had been violently torn, and now a constant stream of nightmares was spilling out.

And then there was this whole Faith thing. Buffy had barely been able to look him in the eye through the months since it happened. He understood, of course, and felt absolutely terrible about it, but the truth was, he hadn't really done anything wrong. He thought he was with Buffy... if he had any inkling otherwise, he never would have touched the woman that appeared in his room that night. Buffy must know that, intellectually, but she still acted distant and hurt, and thus his decision to return home for the summer.

But what about her little secret -- her first lover had been a vampire? Come on... making time with the undead way outdid sleeping with someone who looked exactly like your human lover on the "Bad Thing" scale, didn't it? Not that he wanted to keep score on their disagreements or indiscretions, but really. And he hadn't even heard the disturbing news from her -- he'd heard it, full of guffaws and smart remarks, from Spike. How cool was that?

Riley had to admit, he was as angry with Buffy for keeping this kind of secret as he was at himself for not knowing the woman he told he loved wasn't the woman he loved at all... Or something like that.

He slopped the pigs and tossed the bucket aside, heading for the barn. He was disturbed to find the doors wide open, and several cows wandering about in the yard. He counted four there, and two inside... one was missing. He followed the tracks in the mud toward the nearby woods, getting a panicked, clenching sensation in his chest.

Stop being paranoid, he thought to himself, Just because it's dark in there doesn't mean anything. This is Iowa, for Chrissake.

He ducked into the trees and listened, hearing rustling nearby. The trail of hoofmarks continued in the same direction, so he followed them. Two or three yards away, he found one of the yearlings standing, munching leaves off a tree next to it.

"Hey there, Tessa... why don't you come back to the barn and get some real feed," Riley said gently to the cow. She looked up at him, eyes wide and... an extremely abnormal yellowish color. He got the creeps, looking at her. The cow seemed to stand statue still, her sides not even heaving with breath, the only movement her creepy eyes following him and the automatic motion of her chewing.

Riley approached slowly, holding his hand out to her. "Come on, there... I won't hurt you. Are you sick? What's the matter?"

The cow kept her golden, bloodshot eyes on him as he approached.

Mad Cow disease, he thought, Or maybe rabies...

The cow snarled at him.

He jumped. Snarled? Cows don't SNARL.

By the time the thought finished materializing in his mind, Tessa was already on him, lowing senselessly as she tore out his throat, sucking his blood down like the best Blue Ribbon cattle feed.

Ten feet away, under a dark copse of trees, a blonde vampire chuckled evilly at his incredibly witty, poetically ironic joke. A vampire cow. Heh heh. So much for Soldier Boy.

"Thanks for the chip in my head, ya plonker," Spike snickered, and walked away.

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