DISCLAIMER: Of course they're mine. Didn't you watch on Valentine's Day, when the following story happened? What do you mean Angel wasn't in Sunnydale? You must have been watching the wrong show. *grin*
IMPROV: #9 - plush, broken, bewilder, moonlight
PAIRING: B/A
TIMELINE: Errrm... I kind of twisted it. It's technically now, because it's Valentine's Day, but... Angel is already working his way back to the living. So... just deal. ;)
SPOILERS: Anything is possible... say all, up to B5/A2
SYNOPSIS: Struggling to get his life back on track, Angel returns to his roots. *grin*
DISTRIBUTION: My site(), List Archives, BA_Fluff, The BAFFA, Soulmates Eternal, BA_Coalition, Naughty Slayer, anybody who houses my stuff, feel free. Everybody else? All you have to do is ask. :)
AUTHOR'S NOTES: The fluff is few and far between, these days, but for Valentine's Day... I had to do it. :) Inspired by the song, "Heart Door" by Paula Cole & Dolly Parton, from the "Sweet November" soundtrack. There MAY be a sequel... okay, there probably will be, but... no promises. You know how easily distracted I am. ;)
FEEDBACK: But of course!
RATING: PG
CONTENT: Angel Angst, Utter Lack of Plot, Weak Curse Disposal, mush
DEDICATION: To Tinkerbell... I've been struggling with this for days, and seeing your "Candle" re-inspired me! Thanks, hon!
And most especially to all my loyal readers, who complained bitterly that I wrote S/A Mush for Valentine's Day, but not B/A. I'd just like to say... ;-P... OH YE OF LITTLE FAITH! ;-)
Unbetaed, because I didn't want to wait. All mistakes, mis-spellings, poor word choices, and crappy grammar are mine and mine alone. Spank me 'till Tuesday.

He had been sitting like this for at least an hour, staring at her house like it was the very gate of Hell, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel.

'What are you waiting for? Do you think someone's going to come out here and tell you it's okay for you to be invading her life like this? It's not going to get any easier, so stop being an idiot and go knock on the door.'

He'd been berating himself for most of that hour, too. But no matter how he tried, he just couldn't seem to force himself to move. Either to get out or to turn around and go home.

What if she wasn't there? What if she was out with Riley? What if she was out on patrol? Or worse... what if she *was* home? What if Riley was here *with* her? Or... someone else? What the Hell was he going to say? "Hey, Buffy, how are you? Sorry we haven't spoken in the last year since I handed your boyfriend's ass to him, but... here. Have some flowers. And oh, speaking of boyfriends, would you mind if I cast this quick little spell that'll bind my soul for 24 hours, and let me spend that time ravaging you into oblivion? You wouldn't mind, would you, Ri?"

Oh, yes. Brilliant. Right up there with Shakespeare and Browning for romantic eloquence. She'd never be able to resist his charm.

Angel sighed and ran his hand through his hair... again. Immediately wished he could check it in the mirror, while at the same time, managed to be desperately glad that he couldn't. He probably looked a fright.

'Let's just waste time thinking about our hair, then, shall we? That'll definitely help.'

He scowled to himself, and picked up the two dozen sterling roses, determined to actually *get out of the car* this time. Open the door. Step outside. Close the door. Walk up to the house. Knock. Very simple motions.

Yeah. Right. About as simple as the whole past year had been.

'Do NOT go there. This is *not* a Brooding Night. This isn't about you, it 's about *her*.'

But... wasn't the whole reason he was here all of the things that he had felt and seen since the last time they met? The sensation of being bewildered... of having no foundation... of being broken. He had lost his focus, and was desperate to find it again. Hadn't Buffy been the reason for it all to begin with? And hadn't losing her been the first step into this downward spiral?

He sighed as he looked up at the door again.

Maybe that was true... but he left her so that she could forget all the pain that their union created. So she could move on from this tie to him that so drained her chances for a normal life.

Nothing had changed, really. Why did he have any more right to be near her tonight than any other night? When he and his family had begun the slow process of repairing their relationship, hadn't he sworn to try to balance the needs of the humans he cared about with his own? Not allow the shadow of selfish pain and the call of dark simplicity to constantly overwhelm him?

And yet, this need... The need for her... for the strength of her spirit and the purity of her light... hadn't this always been at the center of all he accomplished? All he strove for?

He'd tried to deny it for two years, now... he kept away. Resisted the constant urge to come here... to call her, just to hear her voice. He'd left her alone. No matter how much, through each empty night that passed, her absence in his life ate away at his heart and soul...

But tonight, it seemed there was no power in the cosmos -- not even his conscience-- strong enough to keep him away. The need had finally overtaken his will... and when this opportunity arose...

It was Wesley's heartfelt gift that sent him, finally. The two of them had sat down several days before and talked the night away, sharing all of the things that had driven a wedge between them these past months.

The Englishman was still weak from his injury. Not bedridden any longer, but still under Doctor's orders to take it easy. So Angel had gone to his small, elegantly appointed apartment within moments after receiving the ex-Watcher's message. The voicemail was simple: "Angel... it's Wesley. I' d... very much like to speak to you, if you're not busy tonight..."

Busy. Doing what? Sitting, staring out the window, wondering how he'd managed to destroy his life so completely?

His heart had all but shattered at the invitation. And so, the two friends sat up through the night, talking. Dawn began to creep in, and Wesley's eyes were drooping... the long hours of painful, intimate conversation too much for his healing body. Angel had said his goodbyes, promised that they would speak again the next day, and begun to leave, when his friend stopped him with a gentle hand on his arm.

"Angel...On my dresser, you'll find a cedar box. I think... perhaps its contents will help you discover what you truly need to find your way again. Rediscover your center, so to speak."

His center. Angel had, for a long time, forgotten that he even had one.

He took the box back to the Hyperion, and sat staring at it long into the day, pondering what could be inside. What could Wesley have given him that he thought would be helpful? He could feel the magick humming around it...

Finally, he forced himself to open the lid. The inside of the intricately carved case was lined in burgundy velvet, and smelled of sage, lavender and heather, along with the tang of cedarwood and a faint undertone of sulfur. A coin was nestled securely in the center. A simple thing, really -- reminiscent of a Chinese luck medallion, but marked with the Latinate for "whole", "peace", "truth", "solid", and "Light in Darkness." It looked new, its carvings fresh and metal shining. Had Wesley had the gift minted just for him? The sincere gesture touched him more deeply than anything had in months now. He sat in his room and fingered the talisman tenderly for a time, and considered his feelings for the man who gave it to him.

Angel would have thought it just a charm -- a sort of magickal greeting card... a a gesture of their healing friendship--had he not noticed the carefully folded parchment tucked into a pocket in the lid. He set the coin back in its nest and pulled the missive out, unfolded it, and recognized Wesley's neat, careful script on the first page.

The note said that he had taken advantage of some of Virginia's contacts in the wizard community to generate this spell for Angel. A binding, of sorts, he explained, that once cast, would rend him nearly invincible (including the tethers binding his soul) for 24 hours. The ex-Watcher went on to say that he hoped Angel would use that single day wisely. To find the true answers to the internal dilemma, the existential crisis, that had so plagued him since his Dam's return. He understood that the magick could easily be used to further Angel's only recently abandoned, darker agenda... Like the Gem of Amarra, the coin would make him nigh unkillable for that time, giving him the opportunity to wreak the revenge that had almost cost him everything.

"But I hope... No. I *pray* that you will be wiser than that. That you will use the day this talisman grants you to find the foundation you have lost. To walk in sunlight, and remember what it was that first made you seek redemption. Use it to recall the dreams that you believe lost."

"It is not too late, my friend. You are immortal... though you think it a curse, (and usually, I might agree with you) it also means that you have a unique gift... an opportunity to take *time* to discover what lies at the core of your Self. And this immortality is not only of your body, but your essence -- your soul. In that, you have always been as human as any of us... and there have been many times when you were more so. You deserve this, Angel. And God knows that you need it. Replenish that well of goodness that I so admire inside of you, and come back to the world once more. It needs you. And... regardless of what Cordelia might say at this moment..."

"We need you, as well. So... best of luck. My thoughts are with you.

~WWP."

Angel could barely read the second page through his tears.

One day. He knew from experience what a special gift... and a special agony... one day could be. But this... this could be a day that would not disappear as though it had never existed. A day to experience joy again...

Could he do it? Was happiness in any way within his realm of possibility anymore? Would walking in the sunshine really be enough to chase away the shadows of hopelessness that had driven him to create his own personal Hell on Earth?

A single day. What would he do? Where would he go? How could he use such a short time to give something back to those to whom he owed so much?

Buffy's soft hazel eyes... her warm skin... the echoes of her joyous sighs on the Day That Wasn't, eased to the surface of his mind from that place at the bottom of his heart, where he had buried them for so long.

Buffy. Once, a million years ago, she had been his sunlight. His only solace from the constant pain of his eternal remorse. She had given him a reason not only to live, but to *be* something. The only motive he had to rise each sunset and face his never-ending battle with darkness. His only reason to smile. Her innocent, unconditional love had given him his first sense of worth in a century.

She had given him his Center.

And so, now, here he sat, at the periphery of the world she had built without him, contemplating how he could possibly justify asking her to let him near her light once more... touch that essence of what made her... her... and remember. Reclaim some small part of what he had let slip away. If not forever, then... at least for tomorrow. If only he could be near her... show her...

Then he could take that home with him, and start again... a new beginning from an old foundation.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy gazed out at the starry night, fingering the gold pendant that she wore on her neck, and considered her fondest wish.

"Okay... it's not the *best* wishing spell," Willow told her, "But... It was the best I could do. It's pretty simple, and Anya helped... plus... Giles doesn't think it can do *too* much damage if it... um... you know... goes wrong. Whatever you wish for will only last for a day, so..."

Anything she wanted. A single wish that would last for only one day.

God, the possibilities were endless... there was so much she could wish for. For Dawn to be safe... for Glory to vanish back to whatever Hell she came from. She could be a normal woman... or... smaller things. That Spike would forget about her. She could get that outfit she saw in the mall that she knew she'd never be able to afford. She could get an A in English.

But it had to be something simple, that would last long after the wish itself disappeared. And she had to be careful not to violate anyone's will. Giles had been very specific about that one.

She could wish for Riley to come back.

That was the one she was closest to making, so far. To have one whole day to show him that... no, maybe she was never in love with him, but... she did care. She could say a lot of the things she never got the chance to. Apologize, at least.

It was what she should do, she supposed. That, or 24 hours of demon-free world peace...

But... if she admitted the truth to herself, there was something else that kept niggling at the back of her mind... bubbling up from the bottom of her heart, where she'd kept it locked away for so long... The Big Wish. Her soul's true desire.

One day with Angel.

No. That was stupid. Angel didn't want her any more. And why should she, after the way she acted the last couple of times they met? He'd left her, after all. Started a newer, better life without her. He seemed to be doing fine, he seemed happy and content with his new friends... his new purpose in LA... And he did say that he didn't want to spend his life with her...

So what right did she have to drag him back here, just to fulfill her stupid Valentine's Day wish?

There were too many ways for her to go. Maybe she should just hold on to the spell for a while... use it when she really knew what she wanted.

'Buffy, you already know what you really want.'

Maybe... and if this was a couple of years ago... Hell, a couple of *months* ago, she would have jumped at the chance to see Angel again... talk to him... kiss him. Just one day together, to last the rest of her life without him.

But she wasn't that person anymore. Giles was dead on when he reminded her that a wish could have serious -- and painful -- repercussions, especially if she changed someone's life against their volition.

So that pretty much put a kabosh on the Riley thing, right off. Buffy still couldn't give him what he really wanted -- her heart. She still couldn't take back all the things that she'd done to hurt him... and he had made the best decision for *him*. Riley needed to have a life and a purpose of his own. He deserved that much, at least. If she ever got the opportunity to tell him she was sorry, and that she appreciated all that he had done for her, it would have to happen naturally.

And Angel... well... sometimes she pretended what they went through, and everything they shared, was just a dream ... part sweet, part terrible, and had never really happened at all. It was easier, that way... she wasn't so much crushed under the weight of missing him as... sort of blocked by it. And, that way, she could move *around* it, at least. Do her best to go on and do what he had wished for her, even if all her heart and soul could never be in it. To drag all of their past up again...

What good would it do? Yeah, sure... it would feel so incredible to be able to talk to him about everything that had happened in the past year... And yes, looking into those eyes that always gazed right through her shell and saw her true self... be held in those strong arms that always made her feel so warm and safe... would be a miracle. Exactly what she needed, right now, when nothing seemed sure and stable anymore but those feelings for him that just refused to fade...

But... it would hurt him. She knew, now, that his leaving had been the best thing for both of them... especially him. When Angel was in Sunnydale, he was always on the outskirts of her reality... her second. Never really allowed to shine the way she always knew in her heart that he could. He was always in her shadow, always her back-up, never able to build something that was all his own.

Maybe at the time, he thought he was leaving for her benefit. But... obviously, he'd found something so much more than that. Without her, Angel had become a hero in his own right. He had a purpose... a Destiny... that had nothing at all to do with her or the Hellmouth. She wasn't the center of his existence, anymore. And sure, yeah, it hurt... it had been such a rare, beautiful experience to be the only sun in such an amazing man's universe. Part of that glow in her had burned out, when he left. But...

She was so proud of him. So proud of everything that he had accomplished... the good work that he was doing. There was no way she would take that away from him just to fulfill a stupid, childish wish. Bringing all that pain to him again, just so she could have a hug and ask his advice?

It wouldn't be fair.

Buffy sighed and lay down on the bed, listening to that old, familiar tickling in her heart and stomach that once told her that Angel was near. Funny, how just thinking about him this hard could make that feeling happen. Like she really *had* made the wish, subconsciously, and he had heard and come running, the way he always used to when she needed him.

She liked the sensation. With her mom and Dawn gone on a buying trip for the weekend, leaving the house peaceful and quiet, and the night's calm, unseasonable warmth, she could just lie there and pretend...

Pretend it was four years ago, and she was lying here in the dark, experiencing that tickle because he was coming... feel it getting stronger, because Angel was below her window, scaling the tree like Prince Charming coming to rescue her from the tower, and she would look over... see his broad shadow in the branches... his smile as bright as the moonlight, and her heart would leap, her breath quicken as she threw off the plush comforter, jumped from the bed and threw the window open to let him in...

If she closed her eyes, she could pretend. Only now... every time she played that game, her heart ripped in two all over again. And more often than not, when she opened her eyes and saw nothing but the tree in the window, Buffy would cry... sob herself to fitful sleep.

But, hey... it was Valentine's Day, right? And if you can't be with the one you love more than life itself, you probably *should* cry, shouldn't you?

So, she listened to her blood humming, imagined that it got louder and stronger as he came closer, and pretended that tonight, when she opened her eyes...

Her Angel would actually be there, smiling at her.

A dream wasn't too much to wish for, was it?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Okay. Good. You're doing great, buddy. Getting out of the car is an *excellent* first step.'

It was, unfortunately, the *only* step he'd managed to take, so far. Now he stood leaning against the Plymouth, instead of inside it, clutching the roses like a schoolboy nervous about his first date.

'This is ridiculous. You're a soldier, for God's sake. You're 250 years old. And she is, whether you like it or not, your soulmate. Just go talk to her! That won't kill either of you, will it?'

Angel wasn't so certain about that. What if she slammed the door in his face? What if she was in bed, and came down, looking young and beautiful, sweet and sleep-mussed in her pajamas, followed closely by her equally groggy meathead boyfriend?

No. That would probably kill him. He didn't know if he was strong enough to face a scene like that, right now. To face the fact that she had, indeed, done exactly what he had asked her to do -- find happiness and fulfillment without him.

But... the opportunity just to look at her... smell that sweet vanilla-honeysuckle-life scent that was so uniquely hers... And maybe... just maybe... she would grace him with a single, brilliantly spectacular smile. Maybe he'd be able to see in her eyes that she was glad to see him. Just a tiny flicker of the old love that used to keep him warm at night...

'Oh. Right. That's likely, Angel. I mean... look at all the joy you've given her since you met. Years of pain and longing for things that could never be... near death and absolute emotional evisceration at the hands of a monster wearing your face. And then you nearly killed her to save your sorry hide. And *then* you abandoned her. Sure -- she'll be super-happy to see you.'

But then again... Maybe she and Riley really had broken up, as Cordy said she heard. Maybe Buffy was as weary and lonely as he was, burdened by so much heavy responsibility. The weight of the world borne alone was... Well... *heavy*.

Maybe the gift that Wesley had so selflessly given him could be a gift for his love, as well.

'And 24 hours later... what? Pain again. Inevitable separation. Remember that look of agony in her eyes on That Day when she thought that she would have the memories, and yet still be denied having you?'

("How am I supposed to go on with my life... know what we had? What we could have had?")

No. He couldn't do it. Not for all the healing peace in the universe. He would hold on to the amulet. Tuck the box in his bureau drawer and let it be a simple, beautiful symbol of Wesley's friendship and forgiveness. Angel already knew what he had to do. He would have to find his Center once more some other way.

Buffy deserved the life she was living. His absence was the only gift of any real value that he had ever given her... and it didn't *begin* to repay even a fraction of the countless treasures of the heart she had bestowed on him.

No... he wouldn't rip that apart... there was no way he could take that gift back, now.

All he needed was to see her. Just for a moment. That would be enough.

So when the lights went out, Angel put the roses back on the front seat of his car, and crept around to the side of the house.

Such simple, familiar motions... this old oak tree like a long lost friend. He still remembered every branch, every hand and foothold... climbing it again was as natural as loving her once was... like he'd been by to see her just last night.

He could have jumped, and saved his energy... But there was something... organic... almost wholesome about the climbing... scrambling up the trunk like the prodigal suitor he once had been, letting the growing sensation of her proximity blossom inside of him... letting the soul-deep knowledge of her presence wash over him... the sweet smell of her skin, the easy rhythm of her heartbeat growing ever stronger as he made his way up to where she lay sleeping.

Just a moment more, and he could look in her window... the window to Heaven. Just this last branch, this last pull, and he would be there...

"Hey."

His head shot up. Their eyes met. His unnecessary habit of breath caught in his chest as he came eye to eye with the love of his endless life for the first time in a long, painful year.

There she was... his Goddess... his Soul's only mate... standing in her pajamas, her long, golden hair braided for sleeping, leaning casually out as if she knew he was coming, and had fully expected him. Like she'd been waiting...

For a moment, his mind and body froze with joy and terror in equal measure.

'Busted.'

Angel sunk down onto his old perch so his suddenly wobbling knees wouldn't fail and send him crashing to earth.

"Hey," he replied.

And then... Buffy smiled. His soul fairly sang with the magnificent warmth of it.

"Just so you know...I think I might have wished you here... by accident," she informed him.

He returned the smile, and resisted the urge to grab her... crush her to him and never let her go again.

"Really. Interesting," he replied instead. "Something Willow cooked up?"

Buffy grinned and nodded. They remained still for an eternal, breathless moment and just stared at one another... the past two years slipping away in a breath.

"Would you... like to come in?" she asked, taking a step back, gesturing away from the window.

'Thank you, God. Thank you.'

Angel felt his smile grow, welling up from the depths of his weary heart. The sensation made him wonder, for a moment, if maybe he should cast the spell right now. Just to be safe. "That would be nice," he told her.

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