DISCLAIMER: Not mine... don't sue.
TIMELINE: Sometime during that weekend (late September, 2291)
SPOILERS: None
SYNOPSIS: YAY! They got naked. But...
DISTRIBUTION: You know the drill! If you already have some, it's yours! Otherwise, just ask! :)
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I know some of you really liked the fluffy timeline... but... the angst really wasn't that bad, was it? *grin* So now... on with the wild weekend.
FEEDBACK: Please... :)
RATING: R - For mild sexuality and possible cursing. (From Rain? NO! Say it ain't so!)
As I've said before, I'm no virgin by any stretch of the imagination. I'm a woman totally blissed out by sensation: smell, taste, touch... I'm comfortable with sex, and I love using my body as an instrument of pleasure. Plus, I love men.
In other words, I'd had my share of lovers, over the years. No too many... but just enough to know ecstasy when I felt it.
But being with Angel that night (and the next morning... and afternoon... and night again... *laugh*) was like nothing I'd ever experienced, before. Calling it "sex", or even "making love" -- lumping it in the same category with every other tryst I'd ever had -- seems almost like an insult, and most certainly, an understatement. What I had been doing before was playing Chutes & Ladders with little boys. What I encountered with Angel was more like playing world class chess with the Grand Master.
Okay, I know. Dumb metaphor. But you get my point. And believe me, I'm tempted to spew out even more dumb metaphors, because regular words just don't do justice when it comes to what it felt like to be in his embrace. He was amazing. Hell, we were amazing! Angel's body is so big and hard and smooth... he's so strong, and yet, so gentle. And he knows well (from being around for 500 years, I imagine) how to use every muscle, tendon and bone to express his desire. I'd never felt so loved before... so adored... so worshipped... so beautiful. I was in Heaven, pure and simple.
And being with him... really with him, so close, as if we shared one body, one heartbeat, one breath... opened something inside of me that I never knew was there before, even with all my "experience". I was utterly helpless in his arms, turned to a quivering, purring, crying puddle of mush by his certain touch. Every motion, every kiss, every whispered word of tender passion was so familiar, and yet... each moment that ticked softly by seemed to sparkle with the shining newness of treasure, discovered. It was like the first time, all over again. But better.
Jesus. I should write for Romance Weekly, or something.
It didn't matter at all that Angel was making love with Buffy, as much as he was with me. Maybe it should have... I mean, if I was the same Rain as I was two years (hell, two weeks) before, I might have been horrified and insulted, thinking that Angel was being unfaithful to me while it was my body singing his praises. But the fact was, I didn't think about whether it was Buffy or me he was with, because there was no line between us. We were the same, she and I, and we had every right to love Angel exactly the way we did. It was natural and easy and earth-shattering, as if there was no longer any line between he and I anymore, either.
It was glorious, being with him, and I couldn't seem to get enough. My longing mixed with hers, and with his, and warmed the air around us with more heat than the slowly dying fireplace ever could.
I'd never laid eyes on a square inch of his house, before. It was big, and grand, and meticulously, elegantly decorated, and we christened every inch of it that night. The couch, the floor, the dining room table (which was, thankfully, made of a sturdy, old-fashioned oak. We didn't end up tumbling into a crashing, moaning heap of steel and Formica and flesh on the floor, like we had one afternoon I could remember from long ago.), the shower, the stairs, the bathtub, the garden patio.. and finally, close to 24 hours later, in his soft, king-sized bed.
Angel fell asleep first. HA! I wore that vampire out! But I guess that's kind of what Slayers are built for, huh? He passed out clutching me so tight to him, it took me a good five minutes to escape without waking him. Not that I didn't want to just totally lose consciousness in the safety of his embrace, but... a girl's gotta use the bathroom, right?
So I pried myself loose and tiptoed out of the room, uncertain if it was day or night until I saw the full moon shining in through his office window. I wondered why he left the curtains open like that... talk about tempting fate...
I did what I needed to do, and then stood, staring at my reflection in the mirror. I looked beat... totally exhausted, but so, so happy. I looked at the woman in the glass for a long time, and wondered if I was still me. My eyes were still the same color -- a color Angel equated with spring grass after a storm. My skin was still the same shade... he said, like peaches and cream. My hair, though admittedly a total rat's nest, was still the same golden-blonde hair I'd been battling with for 23 years... I clearly still looked like me...
But was I? It was like I was more than me, now. I couldn't really see it, but I knew. I could fee her inside me, like discovering her and our connection through the mirror of Angel's eyes, Angel's touch... had opened me fully to her. Her life was now in my heart, and I could feel her in my soul.
As it turns out, I was pretty damned glad about it, too, because the more I knew her, the more I liked that long-dead Slayer, who I used to think was somehow my rival.
Angel had his arms around me, and his face buried in my hair before I even realized he was behind me. Damned vampire stealth and lack of reflection! I almost had a heart attack! And I was a little embarrassed that he had caught me staring at myself.
"You're still ravishing," he assured me, nibbling softly on my earlobe.
I craned my head to look up at him. "Why thank you, kind sir. I wasn't really thinking that sleeping with you would turn me into a troll..."
He chuckled. "You're the best damned looking troll I've ever seen..." his voice was so happy... so light, I almost burst into tears at the sound. "Come back to bed," he murmured, instantly sending an almost uncomfortable shiver down my tired spine, "I miss you."
I turned around so our bodies were pressed breast to breast once more.
"I missed you, Angel..." I told him, smiling up into his eyes. I don't know if I was talking about the 20 minutes I'd been in the bathroom, or the 200 years since our souls had last occupied the same space.
Either way, it seemed to make him happy. He pulled me closer and lay his head on top of mine, and I could feel his breath in my hair. He sighed deeply, and my heart just sang.
God, how much I loved him. I'd loved him forever... and I imagined I always would. The rest of it was just details.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Angel:
After another very long time, Rain finally fell asleep. Even Buffy hadn't been such a sure and eager lover... she had been soft and submissive, where Rain was strong and forward. Perhaps it was their combined essences joining. Or maybe Buffy's sexuality had been irreparably damaged by the horrible aftermath of her first time.
I don't think I've ever forgiven myself for doing that to her. I spent so many years trying to erase those memories. Spent hours upon hours showing her... telling her how beautiful and desirable she was... how incredible it felt to be a part of her body... how honored I felt that she chose to share it with me, the lowliest of creatures...
I watched Rain sleeping that night... the end of the second night she'd spent in my arms and thought, maybe one of the gifts of her rebirth had been the dissolution of those old fears. That part of Rain that had lain with me for the first time, that night, wasn't afraid. She might have remembered, but that old pain just wasn't a part of her. I was glad she could be above or beneath me with the abandon of pure delight... It was all new, for her. The way it should be.
It was ancient, to me. A love and passion that existed before either of our bodies were born onto this plane, and yet... this woman filled me with a whole new sense of wonder, as well.
I watched her smile in her dreams... watched her butterfly lashes flutter, focusing on the images that filled her sleep, and I thought about souls, once again. About Destinies, and Sacred Duties. Here I was, a man long-dead, lying bathed once more in the living warmth and stunning power of the woman whose purpose it was to rid the world of my kind. I found my life once again inextricably bound to hers, and the irony almost made me weep.
I thought about the prophecies in the D'Archit... that I was fated to love this woman until the last shadow of evil was banished from this dimension. I believe in free will. I believe in a being's right and responsibility to think for themselves, and act on their beliefs and knowledge. I always felt that every journey to Destiny had more than one road, and I had always chosen, as Frost said, 'the one less traveled by' -- for good or ill. Sometimes I made those choices based on cold, calculated logic, sometimes on the bold cry of my heart. But always, I had made a choice, and had to exist with the consequences.
But my love for the soul of this woman was never about choice. It was about the very stuff that I was made of... Rain was stitched into my cells, from the moment I was born, centuries before her. It was the ultimate in predestination -- the Powers had chosen us for one another, and we never had any say in the matter at all. When it came to loving Buffy... and now Rain... I was a man without will. I was her slave. Her adoring and perfectly willing slave.
And I didn't care. If being truly free meant being without her, then I would much rather be Fate's helpless plaything. I kissed her forehead softly, and thanked those infernal Powers for returning her to me once more as I fell into a blissful, contented sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rain:
Lying in his arms, I dreamed again. The same sunlit meadow, the same gauzy white dress and stupid sunhat, the same wildflowers, the same cliff, the same birdsong...
But now I knew that cliff overlooked the town of Sunnydale, where Angel and Buffy had spent their entire lives together. And the meadow lay outside a magnificent mansion of stone and marble where Angel once lived.
Kahtah was there, waiting for me. She stood in the middle of the densest part of the field, absolutely stunning in a long, blood-red gown. She looked like she was ready for an evening at the opera, instead of standing there in the sunshine with bees buzzing about her golden hair as though she was the sweetest flower of them all.
I approached her slowly, almost frightened, but not quite. I'd never actually seen her, before. I was pretty weirded out when I saw her smile as I got close. My smile...
My fairy godmother was Buffy.
"Hi," I said. Not my most clever opening line, but...
"Hi," she replied in that voice that was more than just one voice, but still all her... or... us?
I looked her up and down. "Nice threads."
Her smile grew. "Thanks," she said, "I got promoted."
Okay… color me confused again. "You're… an angel or something?"
She laughed and took my hand. You can't possibly imagine how completely weird it is to hold your own hand. (And no, holding your right with your left doesn't count, smart ass!)
"Not exactly," her brow scrunched a little, "At least… I don't think so." After a moment, she shrugged, and her smile quickly returned. Buffy turned toward the mansion at the bottom of the hill, and led me, strolling hand-in-hand through the tall grass. "I'm just… somewhere else, I guess. It's kind of hard to explain. Another dimension, maybe? I don't know. We haven't figured it out yet."
I looked at her as we walked. "We?"
Her smile grew yet more. Wow. She really was beautiful. "Me and Giles… and sometimes Wesley. Sometimes Willow, too, although I suspect she enjoys Einstein's company more than any of ours."
"Oh," was all I could think of to say.
"But… I'm tied to this dimension, too… to you… and Angel. I'm inside of you, you know?"
I sighed. "Yeah, I know." Boy, did I know.
Buffy stopped and looked at me. "I know all of this is a lot, Rain. It was hard for me to buy it all at first, too. I mean, when They told me about you, I have to admit I was kind of pissed."
That made me laugh. "No way. Really?"
She snorted, "Well, yeah. I mean, Angel and I had to go through so much to be together, you know? And then I died -- can I tell you how bad that sucked? -- and then I was just supposed to hand him over to someone else with a smile and a blessing? Please."
"Yeah. I can totally understand that," I told her.
"Well, it helps that you're me," she said with a smile, "He's great, isn't he?" she asked, her ethereal voice wistful as it so often was when she talked about him.
My heart leapt. "Yeah. He is."
We were almost to the garden doors of the mansion, now. I could see inside, and it was Angel's bedroom… and there we were, in his giant bed, all tangled up in each other's arms, sleeping peacefully.
Buffy looked too, and smiled sadly.
"He'll never leave you. He'll never lie to you. He'll give you everything he has until the day you die. That's just the way he's built," she said, a single tear rolling down her cheek.
I felt bad for her. And yet, not… I gave her hand a squeeze. Imagine… me, comforting an angel.
"I know," I said.
She turned to look at me again. "Don't ever think that he loves me more than you, Rain. Forget all that stuff. Don't even let it in your head. There's no difference between you and me, really. What… who… he loves… is who we both are. It was the reason why he was born. Why he died. Why he survived Hell and came back. And why he found you again. For both of us. And for the Third."
Now she was going all cryptic-freaky-mystical on me again. "The Third?"
"Don't worry about it," she told me, "It'll all make sense eventually. But right now? Just live your life. You're the luckiest woman on the planet, you know. You don't have to pay the kind of price we did to be together. But you still get to be together."
I remembered. "But maybe that makes it sweeter… the pain, I mean."
She gave me a funny look. "Are you kidding?"
"Well… would you do it again? If you had the chance?"
She looked at Angel for a long time, and then at me. Her smile burst forth. "Hell yeah, I would."
"Well, there you go," I said.
She walked me to the door.
"This is where I get off," she said.
I grabbed her and hugged her as tightly as I could. "Thank you, Buffy." I was crying, now.
She pulled back, and shrugged nonchalantly. "Hey, that's what they pay me the big bucks for," she said, and turned to walk away.
I didn't want to watch her go, so I turned around, looking in the door at myself, wrapped warm and safe and tight in Angel's arms. I couldn't wait to wake up and see him again.
"Rain?" I heard her call, and I turned back. She was a long way off, now, but I could still hear her like she was standing right next to me.
"Yeah?"
"Take good care of him. He loves us. And he's so important… so special."
I glanced at him, sleeping peacefully, one arm stuffed under his pillow, and the other wound possessively around me.
"I will," I promised.
But when I turned around, Buffy was gone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Angel:
It was, undoubtedly, the best two days of my entire life, bar none. To be with her again like that? Ah… why bother with words? Any I could choose would most certainly fall short of describing how it really felt.
I can conjure up perfectly complete sensory memories of every single moment we spent together. It wasn't all sighs and moans of pleasure, or words of love and devotion, either. At some point, we came out of our sensual haze, and Rain was looking down at me. There was pain in her eyes. I almost forgot, for a while, what all of this remembering had done to her life.. to her conception of who she was, and who I was. I forgot, in the stunning warmth of her arms that there were 23 years of her life that she hadn't known.
"I'm sorry," I told her for the millionth time.
Rain took a deep breath and studied my face closely. She was so small, leaning there on my chest… so vulnerable, like a little girl lost.
"I'm still kind of pissed at you," she admitted.
I had to smile, a little. "I know."
"Do you know why?"
I hesitated. I wasn't really expecting to be tested, here.
"Because I didn't tell you that you once were Buffy," I quoted dutifully, "I promise, Rain. I will never lie to you again."
She looked me straight in the eye. "You know, I'm going against my own policy, here. It should be Three Big Lies and You're Out."
I frowned, a little stab of fear ticking in my gut.
"But…"
Rain gave a little shrug, "But… the fact is, you never really lied, exactly. You just… avoided specifics on particular subjects. Not really a moral transgression of the highest order, especially considering your intentions. So… fourth chance."
I was so happy and grateful to hear it, I almost started to cry again.
I kissed her deeply, instead. When I pulled away again, I told her, "I won't need another one."
She laughed, and we didn't exchange coherent words again for a long time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rain:
AYYYYEEEEE!!!
That was me screaming, by the way. I was just… drowning. Too many things going on inside me all at once. Too many emotions, sensations. Buffy's essence seemed just as deeply sensitive as mine, and the two together made me just… translucent, to him. Totally open. Completely vulnerable.
Whole.
But it was a lot. A whole lot to have to digest at once. Two years ago, I was Normal Jane. Now… now I'd gained a Sacred Calling, a husband, and a hundred years of memories, almost in an instant. I grew up a lot, really fast.
And Angel… he was a lot all by himself. Since I'd met him, he'd been holding so much back, hiding behind his past, wallowing in the safe distance of two hundred years of memories and loneliness. He kept me out, and didn't let much of his innermost self show, at all.
Suddenly, he was all Angel. All of him, all at once. He opened his soul like a floodgate, and everything inside him came spilling out and washed over me. He was someone who'd known me for a great deal longer than I'd known him. He'd spent 280 years with me. I'd only spent 2 with him, and not really with him, then.
Angel's love was overwhelming. The way he smiled, the way he cried, the way he murmured softly in Gaelic as we made love…
Did I already say it was a lot?
I'm not complaining, of course. Gods, no! I've never even dreamed of being so loved… or feeling so content. I could close my eyes, and almost feel it in the air… so many emotions.
Sunday afternoon, we lay there on the couch, watching antique horror movies and drinking Tang, trying not to remember that Roger Lowenthal would be coming back that night, and we would have to make some attempt to go back to our lives. When I did, finally, start to think about it, I got very, very tired.
I turned over so Angel and I were chest to chest and face to face again. He was so engrossed in 'Scream', that he didn't notice right away. I got to watch him, his big grown eyes nailed wide to the screen, his hand reaching out and absently shoving handfuls of popcorn into his perfect mouth. Good thing he was a vampire, I tell you, or those lips might very well have been badly bruised, by then.
After a moment, his next helping of popcorn stopped halfway to his face, and his eyes turned to me.
"What?" he asked with a little smile.
"I think we should probably talk now," I told him, hoping my voice conveyed just how much I really didn't want to. I wanted to stay just like that forever, laying on the couch with nothing on but one of his silk shirts, his arm around me… I wanted to pretend that none of the rest of it… our lives, my duty… existed at all.
But, you know… Denial won't save the world. That was our job.
Angel shifted, and I got up so we could sit in Talking Position. He stopped the VCR and turned off the TV, and looked at me seriously. I could swear he was afraid, and I don't think I'd ever seen him scared of anything, before.
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but in my day, those were pretty ominous words to say to your lover," he said.
I shook my head. "No, not… ominous, exactly…"
Angel's eyes searched my face. "Then, what?"
I sighed and looked away. "There are a lot of things we have to think about… I mean, our relationship has never been easy, and… I don't think getting naked is going to automatically make it any easier..."
His expression became wounded, and his tone sounded hurt, "'Getting naked'? Is that all this was to you?"
I scowled at him, hard. "You know that's not what I mean, Angel."
He nodded slowly. "You're right. I do." He took my hand.
"But… there's more to this than meets the eye, you know? You're not just Some Guy, and I'm not just Some Chick… there's a reason why all of this happened… why I was reincarnated. There has to be."
Now it was his turn to look away, but he said nothing. I tucked my hand under his chin and turn him back to face me.
"You know, don't you? You know what all of this means."
Again, he nodded, as if it hurt. But he still didn't say anything.
"Angel… you promised. No more secrets, remember?" I reminded him.
Angel looked deeply into my eyes. It never ceased to amaze me how a dead man… a demon… could hold so much wisdom and knowledge and unfathomable sadness in his gaze.
Without a word, he rose and left the room. If he hadn't returned a moment later with a fat book in his hand, I might very well have freaked out. He sat back down and handed me the ancient book.
"This is the D'Archit," he explained, "It chronicles the core purpose of the Sisterhood, from its inception to the End of Days."
I stared at it. It looked just like one of Roger Lowenthal's millions of dusty tomes, to me. Ancient and cracked and written in languages I'd never even "What does it say about me?" I asked. Call me self-centered, but I really didn't give a shit what it said about Cave Slayer or Victorian Slayer or whatever. "A great deal," he told me, "Over half the book is about the Kahtah -- the Triumvirate of which you and Buffy are the first two." Kahtah… the word set off all kinds of alarms in my subconscious. "Ohhhhh…" I said with dawning realization. That was why she'd had me call her that. It hadn't just been Buffy in my dreams… it had been all of us. This Triumvirate. I realized too, what she had been talking about when she mentioned the Third. I felt a little pang of jealousy. No way did I want to die and leave Angel to some other chick that hadn't even been born yet! I laughed. Buffy had said almost exactly the same thing. Angel frowned. "Okay, I missed something…" "Yeah," I told him with a smile, "Inside joke." Inside me. He shrugged it off and went on, "This describes the battle against evil, and your ultimate victory. It talks about the special cycle of rebirth you came from, and the way your essence originates in, and adds to, what the Kahtah will eventually become." I blinked. "Oh. Okay," I said, "And… what does it say about you?" He looked at me intensely for a long moment, then took the book from my hand and set it on the coffee table. He faced me squarely, looking into my eyes. "By blood, heart, and soul are we bound…" he quoted in response. Part of our wedding vows. The engraving on the sword. (I'd stopped trying to differentiate between myself and Buffy -- it was too confusing.) "Uh huh," I said, "And… that answers my question how, exactly?" He smiled. "I'm your Bo'Ten -- your consort. Your… champion, if you will." "My knight in shining armor?" I grinned, "Like Sir Lancelot?" Angel growled a little, and pulled me into his arms once more, "But there's no King Arthur," he corrected me, "You're all mine." I snuggled against his chest, and played with the plain silver ring that hung on a chain around his neck. "So this belongs to me, then," I said softly. I looked at the tiny, delicate letters of the engraving on the inside. "Always…" it read. He held me closer, and rest his head on time of mine. "It does," he whispered. I pulled away enough to look into his eyes. "Then, can I have it back?" He shook his head, "Not without a proper ceremony." I cocked an eyebrow at him. So formal, so old-fashioned, even now. "So… is there going to be one?" You know, I always hated all those pathetic women who spent their whole lives scrambling around, desperate to find a husband, litmus testing every guy they dated or slept with for suitability. Now I almost felt like I was becoming one. Of course, I really wasn't. Angel had been my husband since before I was even born. I was just looking to take back what was mine. He shrugged, trying to be casual. "Do you want there to be one?" Oh, okay… so he wanted to play games. Fine. I could handle that. "Um… I don't think there's ever been any question of what *I* wanted, here…" I said. Angel smiled and narrowed his eyes in mock irritation. "Are you trying to weasel a proposal out of me, Summers?" I snorted. "Hell no! I'm asking you if you want to marry me. Again." He seemed to stop and think about that for awhile. Then his smile snuck back up on him again. "Sure, why not?" he said, "It wasn't so bad the first time…" I laughed and jumped him, forgetting all about Roger Lowenthal and my Sacred Duty for another few sweet, fleshy couple of hours. Send feedback to Ducks Back to the Fanfiction Archive