DISCLAMER: And you really can think I own them?
DISTRIBUTION: If you want put this on your homepages, the answer will be yes, but tell me where it is going.
RATING: Same as shows.
FEEDBACK: BIG YES! [ to: ]
SPOILERS: Nah, not really....But I heard what will happened in ep."The gift"..I don't really know how it really happened, but..
AUTHORS NOTES: Okey, guys, I like to tell you one thing first: English isn't my mainlanguage, so I'm pretty sure I had mad so many mistakes with this story, too.Please, be gentle and pantient :-)

I am nothing.

Every time I had said it, I haven't never before mean it so truly than today.

It never had felt like this.

I am empty.

She is dead.My sun had set.My flower is faded.

I have seen so much death, so much pain. Now I know it, now I feel that hopeless emptiness of it.

Oh God, I can't...It just..Too much.

So much time we were apart, so much time we should spend together.

It wasn't easy.But I knew where she was.She was alive.

Until now.

I don't know where she is.

She can't be truly gone.

This have to be just one of my nightmares.When I'll wake up, I'll call to her.

She'll be okay.

Oh, God.Why I don't wake up? Why does this nightmare just go on and on?

" Angel? ", somebody said. Cordelia. She had cried. Her eyes are red because of it.

" How...how are you? ", asked she and I can't reply to her. I just can't talk.It is too much to use words.

Normally, I'd say I'm fine.I don't want they worry about me.

This isn't a normal day.How can it be?

I'm an empty room now.Dark shadows reflect to it's walls.

Who blew the candle's warmth and light away?

" Angel, you have to..Oh God, I..I know..You have to say something, Angel!" I know she isn't mad at me even she yelled desperately. She wants to tell I'm still here and I'll be okay.

But am I? Will I?

I died with her.

Why I am still here?

I believe in Heaven with everlasting joy and love. I know Buffy is there.I'd be happy. There is no more pain and duty as Slayer to her.

But this time, only time in my life, I am so selfish. I just can't..go on.

I remember the day when we met.When we parted.

I never truly left. Part of me is still in Sunnydale.Why didn't I never go back to be whole again?

" Angel, please." , Cordelia said and took my hand in hers.

I looked at her.

" Say something."

I just..can't.I shook my head.

I'm so weak.

" You're weak.Everybody is.Everybody fails.", she said to me once. She saved me in every way than can be saved.

" Angel, don't do that.We are here, all of us.", Cordelia said, comforting voice within.

No, many of you, not all of you.

" I..can't."

Was it really me speaking?

" You don't have to.Not now, not yet.Do not shelter yourself away from us."

I know she is right.

I know they all miss her.

I miss her more than words can never say.

I see so many pictures in my mind.

She is laughting.She is so beautiful.

We had many happy times, we had our bad times.

But we never stopped loving.

And we never will.

She was -and still is- half of my soul.

I kept on fighting because of her and her love. I never wanted to disappoint her. I wanted her to trust me.

"Strong is fighting", she once told me.She told me too that we can fight together.And we did. Even when she was in Sunnydale and I was here, we fought together.

I can't do that alone.

" ..Not alone..", I signed.

I don't look straight to Cordelia, but I can imagine her expression.

" You aren't alone, Angel.We are here.We can..we can...", her voice is fading away and I hear her cleaning her throat. " We miss her, we can do that together."

We all miss her.I know it, but..their loss isn't like mine.

We miss her all, we miss her in different ways.

Giles was her father figure, Willow her best friend...

I was her soulmate.

We all know the pain.We all know our miss. But we suffer in different ways.

" Come, Angel.Come to us."

Again, I shook my head. " Not yet..Go.I'll came..later." Speaking is too hard.She rose and walked way.

I can sense her looking at my back sympathetic. " We are here.", she just said and I can hear her walk away.

I rose from my chair. It is so hard to walk, but still I walked to the window. I opened it and I feel the could wind blowing to my face.

~* I forgot to tell you I love you
and the night's too long and cold here without you...~*

There it is.Los Angeles.Night is same as every nights before it.

No.

I can't see stars anymore in darkness.

I used to see them.

I shut my eyes and I'm there again.

"Maybe," she said, little smile in her perfect lips when I told very first time I liked her.

"Sometimes the truth is worse. You live long enough, you find that out."

Did she live long enough?

I don't know, but I know she find that out.

" I wanted to make sure you're okay. I had a bad feeling. "

This time the feeling was much worse. I feel it, before I knew it. It was..There isn't word for it.It was..just so awful like I was sinking in a deep sea and there was no way to survive.

And I keep on sinking.

I can still see her.

I can still hear her voice calling my name.

She is there as beautiful and smiling as she always was. In my memories she never will die.

" Forever.That's the whole point."

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