Disclaimer: Nope, don't own them yet.
Spoilers: Um, I'd say a big fat one from IWRY but that's all I can really think of. It's slightly AU, everything happened up to IWRY and then I go off into my own universe, Angel stayed human but still left Buffy and no B/R, B/S or C/A happened.
Pairings: B/A of course!
Distribution: What was it that Faith had said? "Want. Take. Have."
Lyrics: All lyrics are from Faith Hill.
Rating: G? PG? I wouldn't go much higher.
Dedication: To Doc, love you much chica! Guess, what I finished something!! Woo hoo! And Chikki, I tried sending you feedback like Five hundred times but it kept returning it!! Email me or something, and btw I love Sex in Sunnydale and want more very soon!

//Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you?
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter?
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play //

Christmas music had been playing nonstop since the day after Thanksgiving in the small boutique she had been working at. The music, which had provided an initial cheer, had grown tiresome, and Buffy wanted nothing more than to yank the loud speaker off the wall and out the window. With each day, the crowds had become more and more dense, allowing Buffy's headaches to become more and more intense. Christmas she decided was overrated- another religious holiday over run by Hallmark. She could not wait for the holiday to be over so she could get back to her normal everyday life.

Walking around the store to help customers, she nearly tripped on an ornament that had fallen off the silver plastic Christmas tree the store had set-up. Growling, she placed it not so diligently back on the sparkly tree. Seeing a couple of make-up bags had fallen onto the ground laying against the wall Buffy walked over and picked them up, not understanding what was so hard about picking up your own mess. You see you had knocked something over, pick it up. She shook her head people these days.

"Excuse me, I need to know if you sell products by, Buffy? Is that you?" A brunette asked, her jaw open in a fish like manner.

"I don't know who you're talking about. My name is Anne. And I'm not sure that's the best look for you." Buffy stated turning around to finish picking up the fallen bags.

"I don't know who you're trying to fool Buffy, but it's not working." Cordelia advised, placing her manicured hands on her hips, looking defiantly at the blonde woman. "Now, I don't know why you ran, and I don't care, but you better go home and call those loser friends of yours because they have been calling my place nonstop looking for you. God, you'd think after like four years they'd stop."

Buffy dropped the bag in her hand, nearly knocking the whole arrangement of bags onto the floor, cursing under her breath at the bags. Her friends had called; they had been calling for five years. She was not sure whether to be grateful she had such great friends or angry because they would not let her be.

"Yes, four years. What losers. Now embrace your pain or whatever and get over it. Call your loser friends, cause soon you won't have them."

"I think it's time you start minding your own business." Buffy ordered, glaring at the former beauty queen. Wishing this had never happened. Wishing she had taken a different job, anything to get out of this moment, right now.

"It's long past." Cordelia agreed; going through her purse she produced a small business card, "Here." With that she left the store, not bothering to try and pick up what she came for.

Buffy looked at the cream colored card, scribbled on it was Cordelia Chase's name, number, and address. She folded the paper in half ready to discard, she did not need to be reminded of her past, she left that, she was trying to move on, and yet still she couldn't through the card away. Sighing in defeat she placed the card in the back pocket of her khaki pants and continued through her day as best she could.

~*~

//Hard times are fallin' on you
Even when you smile
I see the hurt come through
And I know it feels like it's never gonna end
You say nothing's been right for a long time
And every step you take is a uphill climb
I see you're reachin' out
So let me tell you friend that
Better days are comin' around //

She balanced three grocery bags in one hand and two in the other as she fumbled through her keys looking for the one to the apartment. The walk from her car to the apartment had caused her hands to become numb, making looking for the key harder than usual. Finally she managed to find the right key and opened the door.

Stepping inside she was greeted with the sight of the babysitter sprawled across the couch, headphones on her feet dancing to the music, and the sounds of banging in the kitchen and crying from the bedroom. Walking over to the couch, Buffy tapped the teenager on the shoulder causing her to jump. Sheepishly taking off the headphones the girl heard the sounds of crying and banging, her eyes growing wide she opened her mouth to speak. "Uh, no charge today Miss Summers. I'll, I'll just be leaving now." With that the girl ran out the apartment and down the hall.

Wanting nothing more than to just plop down on the couch and place her headphones on and go to sleep after a very long and tedious day at work, Buffy sighed in disappointment as she made her way to the kitchen to stop the racket. Stepping into the cramped kitchen area she saw her son sitting on the floor clad only in his superman underwear surrounded by almost every pan Buffy owned, banging on the pots with a wooden ladle and a fork.

Seeing his mother he smiled up at her not bothering to stop his actions. Buffy couldn't help but smile, although the noise was ratherloud, it was exactly what she needed. Crouching down next to her son, she began to bang on the pots for a few seconds before scooping them up one at a time placing them back into their respective places. As soon as the last pot had been placed in the cupboard Buffy proceeded to scoop her son up as well, giving him a wet kiss on the cheek. The boy scrunched his nose and wiped the kiss off in a dramatic sweep causing Buffy to laugh as she carried the boy into his younger sister's room, where the infant was screaming her lungs out. Switching the boy to one hip, she carefully picked up the baby girl and placed her in her now free arm gently bouncing her up and down to soothe the crying girl.

"What'd you say we go out to eat?" Buffy suggested, causing her sons eyes to light up, as he began bouncing himself in his mother's arms excitedly. Setting the energy laden boy down on his own two feet, Buffy gave his butt a little nudge as she told him to go put on some clothes so they could go out.

Placing her daughter on the changing table Buffy expertly changed the girl's diaper and began to bundle the girl up for the unusually cold winter they had been having. Seconds later the blonde haired ball of energy came running back into his sister's room nearly knocking his head on her wooden crib as he slid to a stop. Buffy looked at her son's outfit, his Spiderman Halloween costume. "It's a little cold for that sport." She stated, used to his choice of wardrobe by now.

"No id's nod." The boy argued, placing his hands on his hips staring defiantly up at his mother.

"How about your overalls." Buffy suggested, knowing that they could go back and forth with that argument for hours literally.

"No id's nod." The boy retorted, becoming louder, on the verge of a temper tantrum.

"We could wear your new Spiderman overalls how bout that!."

Thinking about his options for a few seconds the boy scratched his head, apparently deep in thought, Buffy looking at her son, it took all her effort not to laugh at his expression.

"Pidaman obaall!" He finally screamed, showing his mother how loud he can be. Running back into his room, he slammed the door shut to get dressed.

Twenty minutes later the three of them were ready to walk out the door, Buffy finally convincing her son to zip of his jacket.

~*~

// But don't worry baby,
don't you worry
Maybe this is what we need
A little bruising, a little bleeding
Some space that we can breathe in
Some silence in between

So cry for me baby and I'll cry for you
And we'll both break down and we'll both break through
We'll find our way and we'll face the truth
And we both will be stronger //

Pulling up to a set of apartment buildings, Buffy looked down at the folded card in her hand unsure about what she was going to do.

"Wheah we going Mommy?" Her son asked from his car seat in the back. Looking around at the unfamiliar surroundings.

"Mommy needs to go see an old acquaintance for a short bit." Buffy answered, placing the card back into her pocket.

"Acadance? Wads dad?"

Buffy smiled at her son explaining what it meant. Getting out of the car she went to unbuckle her son's seat belt when he stopped her telling her that he could do it herself. After a couple of minutes of standing in the cold evening, Buffy unbuckled his seat causing her son to yell and scream as he scrambled out of the car. Rolling her eyes, Buffy was not sure how much more of this she could take, as she shut his door, and walked around the car to retrieve her thankfully still sleeping daughter.

Walking the short distance to apartment 216 Buffy knocked hesitantly on the door. Hearing muffled shouts before instantly regretted coming unannounced, noting that Cordelia had company and if her guess was correct it was male company.

"Great Buffy, just great." She scolded herself.

As the door opened Buffy looked up, her heart almost skipping a beat at the sight before.

As brown met hazel the world began to fade, nothing existing except the two of them. She didn't know how he always managed to do that to her. Make her knees weak; cause thousands of metaphorical butterflies to fly through her stomach. Every time she saw him he looked better and better, if that was even possible. She was lost in the haze of passion and longing, getting pulled deeper and deeper with each second, until a small tug at her jacket reminded her of what she had been doing. Shaking her head, she combed her fingers through her shoulder length hair feeling a bit shaken from moments back.

"Buffy?" He wanted to ask her what she was doing standing in front of Cordelia's apartment, he wanted to know why she was standing there and how she had found the place. He wanted to scold her from running away from her home, he wanted to shout in joy that after all those years she had been found, yet all her could manage was her name.

"Buffy, Anne, whatever you're going by these days, why are you here?" Cordelia asked obviously unhappy over her intrusion. They were discussing her pay raise over dinner.

"I, it's not important. I'm sorry I should leave."

"Oh my God, what is that?" Cordelia asked, looking at the bundle in the blonde girl's arms ignoring her previous statement. "There's two of them!" She exclaimed again, finally noticing the boy by Buffy's side, causing his to cling closer to his mother at her scrutiny.

"These are my kids, Dylan and Lily." Buffy introduced a bit awkwardly, that was not how she planned on Cordelia and especially Angel finding out about her two gems. Yet you cannot change what happens, she knew that first hand.

So she had not run away, she simply got married. It made sense, and at the same time it did not. Why would she just pack up and run off without telling anyone not her family not her friends. Did they not approve of her choice of husband? Angel could not understand.

I should go he's hungry. I'm, I'm sorry." Buffy apologized as she grabbed her son's hand to lead him back down the stairs.

"Wait."

Hearing the desperation in his tone Buffy stopped, wishing she could ignore him and leave. Her life would be simpler if she could. Turning to face him, her eyes pleaded with him to not ask those hard questions, because she did not have the strength to answer them. She knew if she walked through the door, her life would no be the same when she walked out, but she could never deny Angel anything and she had a feeling she never would be able to.

"Cordelia?" Angel asked, silently asking her with his eyes to not make a big deal out of everything.

"Whatever. Listen I can take it, him, to McDonald's if he's hungry." Cordelia offered, making it known that it was out of her way and beyond her calling of duty.

Dylan went unnoticed of the fact, his face lighting up at the possibility of McDonald's, only getting that when he was a really good boy. Running over to the brown haired stranger he hugged her leg, begging his mom to say yes.

Buffy was more reluctant, not sure how she felt about the woman who just called her son a thing, taking said son to McDonald's without her. Yet somehow she managed to agree with a little reluctance.

After a few quick orders and a kiss goodbye Cordelia and her son were off, leaving Buffy alone with Angel and her sleeping child.

The two sat down on opposite ends of Cordelia's couch, Buffy cradling her daughter in her arms refusing to put her down.

"Why?" Was all he asked.

Buffy did not know what to say, why did she run away, why was she here, why did she have two kids and tell no one, there answers were endless, she couldn't even think of where to start. Taking a deep breath she figured it would be best to start at the beginning. Looking down at her daughter, she brushed the brown curl behind her daughter's ear. "I was dating Riley, we weren't serious, and," a clump began to form in her throat, taking a deep breath she continued, "and I found out I was pregnant. I didn't know how, we had never- I got scared. I had been such a disappointment lately I didn't want to be even more. I don't know how it happened, so I took off. It seemed easier, and I wanted to come home but I couldn't. I'd been living here for the past years, I was going to come see you, but I couldn't."

Angel looked on, saying nothing as his mind began to comprehend the jumble of words she had just stated. That sort of explained how Dylan came about, but the infant lying in her arms was still left unexplained.

"I thought I had finally moved on. I was over you; I had wanted that for so long. He loved me, and I thought I loved him too. Not the same but I did. He was so good to Dylan and me. Dylan loved having him around ya know. Dylan would try and be like him, it was like he finally had a father." Buffy continued on, not looking up at Angel, not being able to see his disappointed face. "I don't know, I will never be over you, and I hate it damn it, I hate that I love you. I couldn't offer him my heart, I thought I could but I couldn't. He deserved more. I left him. Than I found out about her." A lone tear fell down her check landing gracefully on her lap.

Angel wanted nothing more than to cradle her in his arms, hating the fact that she was upset; he would readily give up his own existence if it meant she would never be upset again. Seeing that she had finished Angel began to ask questions, needing to understand. "Dylan, how was, I mean when was he conceived?" Angel asked cautiously, not wanting to frighten Buffy, not that she would run far away, Cordelia having her son.

"I think Thanksgiving. After we had, well you know." At that Buffy looked up, needing to see his reaction. Every time she ran this scenario in her head it ended with Angel yelling at her about why she hadn't told him she knew about that day. Now that it was happening she was scared it would actually play out that way.

Yet Angel said nothing, wearing a shocked expression on his face. She knew, or did she know? It seemed like she did. But if she didn't and he then told her, what would happen?

"He's your child Angel. That's why I was in LA, I wanted to tell you, but every time I began to work up the courage, I would falter. I know you're mad but I couldn't stand you rejecting me again, because this time it was not just me. I wanted to be able to honestly tell out son his Daddy loved him and would love to be with him. And I, I don't know but I'm sorry, I know you're angry with me-"

"I have a son." Angel said cutting her off, staring at the woman before her in awe. She was the mother to his son, she was his soul mate, his other half- he could not love her more if he tried. "We have a son."

"You don't have to worry, I can raise him alone. I'm not asking, I mean if you don't want to, I have a job." Buffy began rambling again, more nervous at the present moment than she had been in a while.

"I want to be a part of his life. I want to be a part of yours." Angel stated with confidence, trying his luck and scooting a bit closer to the mother of his child.

Caught off guard, Buffy didn't know how to respond. She just looked at the deep chocolate eyes that were always so full of love. "Why did you leave me Angel? We had everything, why?"

"I wasn't worthy of you. Buffy you were the best thing to happen to me in all my years, you were the sunlight in my darkened life; you gave me hope for the future. I lived only when I was with you." He sounded corny, he knew, but it was true all of it. "I got scared, after the morha attacked, I couldn't protect you, my being mortal endangered your life and I couldn't have that. So I did what I thought was best, I let you go."

"Angel, my life is on the line every night. While I was still the slayer, so was Dylan's. But I protected him; you protect the things you love. We could have worked it out." Angel scooped her into his arms, letting her cry out all her frustration, guilt, longing, and love on his shoulder.

By the time Dylan and Cordelia returned home, Buffy had fallen fast asleep on the couch. Angel was in the kitchen holding the now awake Lily in his arms, as the rummaged through Cordelia's refrigerator looking for some dinner.

Hearing the apartment door open, Angel walked out of the kitchen silently telling them to be quite. He couldn't help but look at Dylan in a new light. The small boy was his son. The boy had been created out of the love between him and Buffy. If his curse was still existent, Angel was sure he would have lost it by now.

~*~

// I will have held you
I will have kissed you
I will have claimed you
you will be mine //

She could feel the sun shining down on her, reaching for a pillow to block the light she couldn't find one. Groaning half-heartedly she tried to roll over only to be stopped by a comfy wall against her side. It was than that Buffy realized she was not in her bedroom. Opening both eyes, she sat up, looking around trying to remember where she was, when the previous night hit her. She had been crying on Angel's shoulder, and then she must have fallen asleep. She didn't remember anything after that.

Quickly getting up, Buffy went off to search for her children. She knew they were safe, but she had to see them. Her search was not far or long, for as she reached the kitchen she spotted Angel holding onto Lily, bouncing her in his arms as he talked with Dylan, the two of them making pancakes. Both boys had bed hair, their clothes rumpled, she smiled at the sight they made. It seemed so natural.

Dylan spotted his mother first; turning in his chair he smiled a toothy grin at his mother, showing her his messy hands and face. "We madding pancades." He exclaimed, proud to be helping like such a big boy.

Angel looked up at Buffy and smiled. Walking over to her to give her, her daughter.

"I didn't want to wake you, you looked so peaceful. I'm sorry." He stated, hoping she wasn't mad.

She shook her head, "No, it's fine. I needed that actually." Looking down at her daughter she kissed her head. "Where you good for Angel, did you give him a hard time?"

Lily just looked up at Buffy, gurgling and smiling. Clapping her fists together from the attention of her mother.

"Of course not, you're my perfect angel, aren't you." Buffy cooed at her daughter.

Happiness seemed to be contagious in the small yet chic apartment; even Cordelia seemed to have woken up in a better mood. A little before noon Buffy decided it was time for her and the children to leave. Knowing she had to be into work in a little over two hours, and she still had to get the three of them bathed and dresses in clean clothes, which took longer than anyone expected, especially when Dylan decided he didn't need help.

Cordelia said her goodbyes from the door, and let Angel walk the three of them to Buffy's car by himself.

"So, I guess I'll see you sometime. Or something." Buffy said awkwardly, they had not really talked about what would happen between them.

Angel nodded, not sure with Buffy if it'd be okay for him to kiss her. He had wanted to since he had seen her standing outside Cordelia's door. Deciding against his better judgment Angel leaned down placing a soft kiss on her lips. Not allowing him or Buffy to deepen it, he pulled away.

"Gwoss!" Dylan yelled, watching the exchange between the two. "Coodies!"

"Cooties, I'll give you cooties!" Buffy teased, running after her son.

"Hep me Daddy! Hep!" Dylan exclaimed, not even noticing he had called the man his father. It just came out. All his friends had daddies, and he liked the man who had just kissed his mother.

Buffy stopped in her tracks, looking over at Angel to see if he had said anything while she had been sleeping, but seeing his shocked face, she assumed he hadn't.

"Dylan get in the car." Buffy ordered, looking between her son and the man she loved.

Hearing the tone in his mother's voice, Dylan obeyed not bothering to disagree. Buffy quickly helped him into his car seat before placing Lily in her own next to her brother. Shutting the door, Buffy looked up at Angel questioningly.

"Call me tonight. When you get home from work." Angel stated, trying not to think how great it sounded to be called Daddy. Something he'd never thought possible had happened.

Buffy nodded her head in agreement.

Opening the driver side door, Buffy started getting in, only to stop when Angel spoke up.

"And Buffy, be careful."

"Always am." She joked.

"I mean it. I don't want anything happening to you or those kids."

"I promise." She said with more seriousness.

"You still my girl?" He asked, remembering a time long ago when he had asked the same question, needing to know once again after so many years that she was his, that just as he belonged to her she belonged to him.

"Always." She answered, getting in her car and driving away, a new sense of hope within her.

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