Rating: G
Timeline/Spoilers: S5 episode before upcoming 'into the woods'.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Distribution: Take it! :o)
Dedication: To Adia!! Because I forgot to add her to my last one!
Notes: My take on what Buffy's feeling..In journal entry form..Could be the opening to a fic..
Feedback: If you want to :)

December, 2000

Beige. That's the color of my ceiling. I'm noticing little things like that now.. too much spare time? Or maybe just not enough of it.

Riley will be here any minute, wanting to whisk me away somewhere, have a coffee, open up to him, make him feel important. I think he knows, that I can't be with him right now. I can't be with anyone.

Too many things have happened, too many things are happening this very minute. Mom's in the hospital right now, having her insides played with. And there's nothing I can do to help, I hate being helpless.. I should probably be there, with Dawn, and my perfect little circle of friends, but I had to get away, even just for a minute.

They all look to me for everything. And I have to put on the superhero smile and do what they say, you know the deal, slayer duty, yadda, yadda. All of them think I'm the strong one, when I'm really just a little girl who needs to be held, and told that everything's going to be okay, that's how it's always been. They don't even realize..

I used to have someone to hold me, take care of me, make sure I was smiling.. of course it wasn't always like that, but it was what I needed, and I still need it. But Angel's never coming back, I get that now.

But I still want him... Shocked? Everyone will be, if they find out that is. No one knows me anymore, I don't even know me...

Should go to the hospital, put on the happy face, make everything better.. But when will anyone do that for me? Better go..start the charades..

-Buffy

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