Content: Buffy angst (from Buffy's POV), song fic
Rating: If you can watch the show, you can read this.
Timeline: During New Moon Rising, S4
Spoilers: Prom, New Moon Rising, Eternity
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me (bet you didn't see that coming). Characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Fox etc, 'What Does She Look Like?' belongs to the Honeyz.
Summary: The scene I missed from 'New Moon Rising'; Buffy is already feeling a little unsteady over Riley, so how does she feel when she opens the gossip columns to see Angel with Rebecca at that premiere in 'Eternity'?
Feedback: Yes, please ... but this is my first fic, please be kind!
Author's notes: I've taken some artistic (ahem) liberties with the timings, but the angst seemed to fit into 'New Moon Rising', and if you consider 'Doomed' went straight on from 'Hush' and 'Who Are You?' from 'This Year's Girl', it sort of works. Think about it. Song lyrics in * *

*I never thought that love could be unkind
'Cause you're the type of guy I thought I'd never find
I thought I could forget you and be strong
But the love I have inside makes me hold on
And now I am beside myself
I think of you with no-one else
You held me tight, I felt so safe
And now I know I've been replaced*

I was looking for the funnies. God knows I needed some kind of light relief, just to take my mind off why I was so pissed off with Riley.

Seeing the picture of Angel, looking pretty happy with some other girl, didn't do much to remind me, upset me, and piss me off even more.

He told me to move on. I honestly didn't think I could, but I did, even if it seems like it was while I wasn't looking, and what do you know? I got Riley. Reliable, responsible Riley, he of the ten push- ups each morning and nourishing breakfasts. Normal Riley. Who I think loves me, even if I still feel a slight pang of disappointment when I look at him in the morning and it is him.

So I've just about dealt with me moving on. But part of me - a big part - really didn't think Angel would move on quite so fast. Hoped he wouldn't. Definitely not so quickly, and certainly not to a successful, beautiful TV star. I mean, I recognise this woman. I know enough about her to know she's older than me, sophisticated, classy, and I can see her loveliness without having to try too hard. I've got a face to put in my dreams, the ones where I wake up upset but can't tell Riley why.

*What does she look like
Why was she so right
That you gave your love to her
Baby didn't I deserve
To hold you, baby to love you
'Cause the love I have inside to give
Was a love for us to live*

He still looks great in a tux. Angel, I mean. That's a picture I need to hold onto, because for that one dance at the prom, that was it. What I've wanted. It symbolised everything that was right about our relationship; him rescuing me. Coming through when I needed him, just being there. Even with all the stuff that had happened between us at that point, I felt whole, it felt right. I felt right. Safer than in even Riley's embrace, which at times is just too ... unfamiliar. Too cold. In physical temperature only, because even if Angel is cold to the touch, there's nothing hotter than his love for me.

Or at least, there was nothing hotter.

*Don't you think I'll sit there crying over you
Baby don't you take me for a fool, no no no
I'll think of you along the way
I'll get over you I hope and pray
If I was not the one for you
Why did you choose me to make me blue*

I don't know if this - knowing he's moved on - is worse than wondering if he has, if he will, if he'd still be there if I ran to him like I've wanted to sometimes. He said he would. Only, he also said he'd never leave me, and look how that turned out. But I suppose he's even held to that one in a way, because just when I think I'm past it, he's there in my head, and I know it's going to take a while to push him back again.

If I want to, that is. I want to know if 'moving on' means the same as 'getting over'. 'Cause I've done one, but I'm not quite there with the latter. I will be, I hope, because I can't exist like this for long, but now - I'm not over him. I haven't forgotten him.

And Riley still feels like the runner-up prize as I stare at the picture of another woman grasping the hand of the man I think of as mine.

*What does she look like
Why was she so right
That you gave your love to her
Baby didn't I deserve
To hold you, baby to love you
'Cause the love I have inside to give
Was a love for us to live*

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