SERIES: Only When I Sleep 5
DISCLAIMER: I'm just borrowing them, and then I'm going to put them back in Joss' hands for next time, but they'll be smiling.
TIMELINE: After 'No Place Like Home' and 'Dear Boy'.
SPOILERS: Yes. See above.
SYNOPSIS: Buffy and Angel dream again, in a vaguely angsty way.
DISTRIBUTION: If you have any others, take; if you want, ask.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: The title is from another Corrs song, 'Radio'; this is the line. "But you are in my head, swimming forever in my head, tangled in my dreams, swimming forever".
FEEDBACK: Want me to make it to the end of the season? Then tell me you're reading!
RATING: PG-ish.
DEDICATION: Everyone who liked the kissage in last week's installment ...

I sat patiently, sure that this week, when I needed him so much, he wouldn't let me down. And he didn't; he appeared right on cue, crossing the dance floor of the silent Bronze to sprawl next to me on the couch where I was curled up. I immediately reached for his hand, lacing my fingers through his. He gripped me reassuringly, his eyes checking me over with concern.

'You've been doing magick,' he said.

'Trance,' I said, concentrating on our intertwined fingers.

'You being careful?' he asked, 'That's a dangerous spell for someone untrained.'

'I'm the Slayer, 'I stated simply.

'You're not untouchable,' he remonstrated gently.

'Oh, I know,' I said bitterly. 'But the spell was okay ... I'm getting better.'

'But you didn't find out what you wanted to know,' he said.

'No,' I said. 'My mom ...' I broke off, then bit my lip and carried on, instinctively knowing he would know what I was talking about, 'I don't know how to fight it if it's not supernatural.'

I looked at him fearfully, tears beginning to prick at my eyes. He raised our hands to his lips and kissed my hand gently, calming me a little.

'Maybe this is her fight,' he said.

'Maybe,' I said, looking down.

His other hand came to my chin, tilting my head up so I blinked, surprised, into his eyes.

'It's not fair,' I said, not whining, just stating fact. A daughter who is a Slayer, a daughter who isn't her daughter. Now something else. That I can't do anything about.

'Is anything?' he said.

We were silent for a few moments, his thumb rubbing absently over the back of my hand.

'She's not my sister,' I said quietly.

'No,' he confirmed.

'I have all these memories ... I *know* her. I remember pinching her when she was a baby, and helping her walk when she was a toddler, and being happy when she got my name right the first time, and a thousand other things that didn't happen,' I burst out.

'They happened for her,' he said softly, placing his other hand on top of our joined ones, capturing my hand in a cool hold.

'And everyone else,' I said.

'And you,' he pointed out, 'You just know it's not real.'

'But how can it not be real?' I asked him desperately, 'She's here. She's always been here.'

'Then go with that,' he said.

'I don't know if I can,' I confided sadly.

'You can,' he told me, kneeling up and over me on the large couch. He freed one of his hands to move it over my heart, pressing gently as I looked into his eyes, 'There's so much room in here, Buffy. You've already taken her in. She needs you to be her big sister.'

'I know,' I said. 'I'll try. But nobody else knows ... I can't ... you're the only one I can tell.' My eyes filled with tears and he pulled me into his arms, holding me comfortingly. I reached trembling arms around his neck, grabbing him close and burying my head into his shoulder.

'A man died in my arms today, Angel,' I said into his skin.

'I know,' he whispered, rubbing my back smoothly.

I pulled back a little, gazing into his eyes, 'I couldn't stop it,' I told him, 'I couldn't stop that woman.'

He stared back into me, his eyes deep and sure, 'You will, Buffy.'

'What if I can't?' I said, 'They sent Dawn to me because they thought I could protect her. What if I can't? What if more die because of her, and me?'

'You can't save everyone,' he said, 'I know it's hard.'

'Gotta keep trying anyway,' I responded emotionlessly. 'Sometimes I wonder what the point is.'

'The trying is the point,' he said, 'And then sometimes, most times, you save them ... and that's the reward.'

'Yeah,' I said. 'You know I'm coming up to five years soon.'

'The longest a Slayer's lasted for over two centuries,' he said. I don't know if that was supposed to cheer me up.

'You're doing so well, Buffy,' he was continuing.

'I've had help,' I reminded him, smiling at him to see him grin back.

'Yeah,' he agreed, 'But you're the inspiration.'

'I've wanted to leave it, you know,' I confided.

'Yeah, I know,' he said.

'No, I mean all of it,' I said, watching him carefully, 'Not just the Slayer thing. Everything. I think sometimes it'd be easy to let go, in a fight, or something ... I want peace, Angel.'

He listened intently. That's what's so great about Angel; I know he's really hearing what I'm saying. Well, one of the great things. He understands.

'I've been there,' he said seriously. 'The important thing is that you haven't let go. You've dealt with so much, Buffy. I'm so proud of you.'

'Is it easier to be evil?' I asked him straight. I saw the flash in his eyes, felt him flinch, and regretted it; but I knew he understood why I asked, and I knew he'd tell me the truth.

He laughed softly. 'So much easier ... you wouldn't believe.'

'Do you ... miss it?' I asked hesitantly.

'I miss the freedom,' he admitted slowly, 'I miss never having to think about what's right. It's simple. It's just the chase and the kill.'

His eyes looked straight through me as he spoke, and then he switched his focus back onto my face. 'It's tempting sometimes ... it gets hard realising no-one will ever know.' I nodded agreement; it's easy to feel unappreciated in this profession.

'But I couldn't go back to it now, like this ... it's even harder to choose wrong knowing that's what you're doing,' he finished.

I moved alongside him and cuddled up into his side. He put an arm around my shoulders and held me tightly.

'So, we've dissected my pain,' I said. 'Wanna talk about you?'

He didn't answer for a moment. Then he said matter-of-factly, 'Darla's back.'

'What!' I shot up, breaking his hold. 'That's not ... you dusted her!'

'I know,' he said, 'But there's this law firm, and ... and I don't want to bore you with the details, but they resurrected her.'

'Oh, that is so not allowed,' I said, firing up. 'Want me to come stake her?'

'She's human,' he said.

'So no killing,' I said, trying to process.

'Not now,' he said, 'But I will. If she hurts anyone else. I'll kill her without regret.' His eyes were hard in his set face; I've never seen that expression on him before, and I shivered. He seemed to come back to himself, and his gaze filled with warmth again as he looked at me.

'Why did they bring her back?' I said, settling beside him again.

'To bring me back to the fold,' he said. 'What else?'

'But what you were saying before,' I said uncertainly, 'You're going to hold on, right?' What I meant was, "you're going to stay with me". Even if he's not, in the strictest sense, with me.

He pressed a kiss to my temple. 'Of course.'

'Going to avoid her ...' I said pointedly.

He heaved a surprisingly heavy sigh for someone who doesn't need to breathe, 'You know I can't.'

'Why?' I said.

'She's human ... she has a soul,' he said, 'That's what I do now. I save souls, remember? And as long as there's a chance for her, I can't just leave it.'

'It's dangerous,' I said, trying to keep a tremor out of my voice.

'It always is.'

'Not like this,' I said vehemently, 'She knows you, Angel. She knows your strengths, your weaknesses, how to get to you -'

'And I know hers,' he overrode me.

'She could be different now,' I insisted.

'And I *am* different now,' he said, 'I'm not going to give.'

'You might ...' I stopped, unsure of what I was going to say.

'You know my soul's not in much danger from her,' he said, and without looking up I could feel his eyes on my face.

'Isn't it?' I said, looking up. 'You were with her for a hell of a long time, longer than you were -' I stopped again.

'Longer than I was with you?' he finished softly, sliding towards me. Embarrassed, I nodded.

'But you meant so much more,' he said, his voice almost hypnotic as I played with the hem of my shirt, 'Don't you know that, Buffy? It doesn't compare. The demon wanted her ... I love you.'

Love you. Present tense. I looked up, to see him very close, close enough so I could breathe in his familiar scent, let it wash over me. I could see that my nearness had an effect on him, and my eyes slid closed involuntarily as I felt his cool skin close to mine.

'Two hundred and forty-seven years,' he murmured, 'And *this* is what I remember best.'

I felt his kiss a moment before it fell sweetly on my lips, and I responded instantly, turning and leaning my body more urgently into his, my arms going around him, sliding around his back even as his came around me. He nibbled gently across my lips, playfully, coaxing me to kiss him back, which I did eagerly. Our tongues met, and I moaned lightly, delighting in the feel of him after so long, banishing the thought that in only hours I would be waking up in another man's arms.

He knew, somehow. 'Stay with me, here,' he whispered, tangling a hand in my hair so he could better access my neck, which he began to deliberately kiss his way down. I held him to me, slipping a hand into the hair at the nape of his neck. Once upon a time I would have carried on upwards to run my fingers through his hair, but ...

Well, he's started using more gel, and I didn't want to get them stuck.

I pulled him back up to face me and our mouths met again fiercely. We kissed for long moments until he pulled away with a final lick and peck.

'Yeah,' I panted, 'I remember that pretty well too.'

'I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that,' he said.

'It's okay,' I said, feeling slightly dizzy.

'No, it's not,' he said, and I could feel the familiar guilty edge come into his voice, 'You're with someone and I should respect that.'

'So should I,' I said. Our gazes locked, and I thought he was going to capitulate, but he looked away from me.

He stood in one fluid motion. 'Bye, Buffy.'

'Hey, Angel,' I called after him, leaning up over the back of the sofa.

He turned. 'Yeah?'

'If we kill you and bring you back, will you be human?' I said jokingly.

Even from a distance, I felt him stiffen and panicked, wondering had I gone too far.

Then he was in front of, so fast I hardly saw him move. He held the back of my head and crushed my mouth to his again, barely giving me a chance to respond before pulling back and whispering harshly into my ear, 'Give me some time.'

And then he was gone, at least giving me something more to occupy my mind than Dawn. It is kind of disappointing though; he'd been doing so well at leaving out the cryptic.

Well, I hope that was enough to tide you over, because obviously there won't be an installment next week; blame Joss, he didn't want to do a Halloween episode.

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