Rating: PG-13
Category: Songfic/Romance/Angst
Spoilers: This takes place after the last new eps, of BtVS: Into the Woods and Angel: Reunion, but the spoilers are more obvious for Buffy than Angel. Still pretty mild, though.
Keywords: Couple: Buffy/Angel
Disclaimer: They're not mine. If they were, the curse never would have existed, and Buffy and Angel would be happily married by now. The reason none of this is true is because these characters are the property of Joss Whedon, The WB, and FOX. The song lyrics are from "I Want To Come Over", and is the property of Melissa Etheridge.
Distribution: My site (see signature), and any list archives may have it as well. If anyone else has my fics already, go ahead and archive this if you want it. If you want it, but don't have any of my other fics, please drop me an email before you archive it. Just so I know! :-)
Summary: After Riley leaves her, Buffy decides to go see the one her heart alwas belonged to.
Author's Notes: Been a while since I've posted a B/A fic. This song was on the radio the other night, and seemed perfect for a return to my favorite couple.
Author's Notes2: Buffy's POV. // // =lyrics. words in * * = emphasis

//I know you're home
You left your light on
You know I'm here
The night is thin
I know you're alone
I watched the car leave
Your lover is gone
Let me in//

After I couldn't stop Riley from leaving, I went home. I think I cried. I know I took some time to think. I eventually realized that he was right. We both knew I was living a lie, but he was the only one brave enough to finally end that lie for both of us. I'm so sorry I hurt him, and I hope he finds the love he deserves someday. The love *I* could never give him, because my heart belongs to another.

So here I am, in L.A, standing across the street from the hotel Angel's made his home. I got his address from Willow, luckily for me she's kept in touch with Cordelia. Now that I'm here, I feel kind of lost. Getting here, that was the easy part. It seemed like I was working on instinct.

I check my watch; it's late, almost two a.m. All the lights were on in the place when I got here, though, so I knew he was there. I just saw Cordelia and Wesley leave not too long ago. He followed them out, and I ducked into the shadows of a doorway across the street. I didn't want to be seen, not yet. He stood there for the longest time, looking up and down the street with the cutest, confused look on his face. Maybe he knows I'm here, we always did sense each other's presence.

I almost step out of the shadows once he's standing there alone. But then a car pulls up. It's that bitch cop, I can't believe my eyes! He's still speaking to her, after she tried to kill him? They speak briefly, then she follows him into the hotel. I sigh and lean against the doorway again. That's a mild irritation, but I can wait.

Finally, after about fifteen minutes, she's leaving. He walks her out, and as she gets into her car, I see the bite marks on her neck. And I know, and it hurts so much I can hardly breathe. He *bit* her???? Suddenly I'm so scared that I'm too late, that he's already moved on. But I can't walk away without knowing. I have to see him one more time, no matter what comes of it.

//Open your back door
I just need to touch you once more//

So somehow I make myself walk across the street, and up to his door. I know, it's his office, but it's also his home. So I'm not sure whether I knock, or just go in. But then I look through the glass, and I meet his stunned eyes.

And God, he looks so good I want to cry. And I'm thinking I should open the door, but he's going to have to take care of that because I can't make myself move.

//I want to come over
To hell with the consequence
You told me you loved me
That's all I believe
I want to come over
It's a need I can't explain
To see you again
See you again//

As he walks toward the door, I'm suddenly wondering why I thought this was such a good idea. I try to remind myself, though, that I don't care what the consequences of this visit will be. He loved me once, and all I can hope is that that love hasn't died.

I needed to come here, but it's not something I can explain easily.

But I'd better try, because he's opened the door and is standing in front of me. "Buffy?" he gives me that same confused look again. "What are you doing here?"

"I needed to see you," I say, simply. "Can I come in?"

He opens his mouth, and he's got that argumentative look. Suddenly, he shuts it again. He sighs, a long, tired sound, and shrugs. He then steps back, pulling the door open wider. I'll take that as a yes, then.

I follow him into his office, and he perches on the edge of his desk. "Have a seat?"

"No thanks," I reply.

And there's silence again. The tension is so thick I think it could be cut with a knife. And that phrase never made sense to me before now.

He's looking at me, questioningly, and I guess it's only fair. I *am* the one who barged in at two in the morning, after all. But this conversation went so much smoother when I was running it over in my head.

"Riley left me." And suddenly I realize I am the *biggest* idiot ever to walk this earth. That's so not how I wanted to start this conversation, because now he's going to think--

"Go home, Buffy," he says quietly, now standing at his open office door.

--exactly what I thought he'd be thinking.

"No," I reply. "Strike that, rewind, do-over, remove my foot from my mouth." Oh good, he cracked a smile at that. I smile back, and say, "What I meant to say was I've been doing some thinking, Angel. And I realized a few things. One: that I still owe you a huge apology from the last time I was here. I acted like a jealous girlfriend, and I had no right."

"Apology accepted," Angel says.

"Good. Two: and this should have been painfully obvious to me after the way I acted last time...." And suddenly, I can't say it. I'm so scared, for so many reasons. But I remind myself I'm not a coward. Everything I've ever wanted and needed is standing in front of me, and I can't walk away from that without giving it the fight of my life. "I still love you."

His face pales. Well, I suppose it was a shock. The way he's gripping that doorknob, I'm surprised he hasn't ripped it off. That's a good thing, though, it means he has to still care. Right?

"Go home."

I wasn't expecting that. But I'm not going away. I came all the way here, I have a little more fight left in me.

//I know your friend
You told her about me
She filled you with fear
Some kind of sin
How can you turn
Denying the fire
Lover I burn
Let me in//

"Angel, I know what you're thinking. It's too dangerous for us to be together. The curse, the vampire/slayer thing, me human you immortal. And all the hundreds of other reasons our well-meaning friends have given us. But those are not good enough reasons for us to ignore what we have."

"Had."

I fight back the tears that spring up at that one word, because that hurt more than anything I've ever felt in my life. I take a deep breath, and I count to ten inwardly.

I look into his eyes again, and I know that he didn't mean it. He's just afraid, because of all of those reasons I've just mentioned.

"Are you saying you don't love me anymore, Angel?" I ask. "How can you turn away and deny this fire between us?"

//Open your back door
I just need to touch you once more//

He doesn't say anything, so I step closer to him. "Angel?" I stop just inches away from him. He looks down at me, into my eyes, and I know. He's not denying it, he just can't face it. He feels it, though. I can't resist the urge anymore, I have to touch him. So I reach up to touch his cheek with my hand, and he sighs and leans into my touch.

I blink as he's gone suddenly. Damn vampire speed. I turn and find him seated behind his desk.

"Why are you here?" he asks.

//I want to come over
To hell with the consequence
You told me you loved me
That's all I believe
I want to come over
It's a need I can't explain
To see you again
See you again//

"Isn't it obvious?" I reply. "I had to come see you, because I can't do this anymore. there's something missing inside me since you left. You are a part of me Angel, and neither of us can change that. I can't stop loving you, no matter how much I try."

He looks down at his folded hands on the desk, and I decide to take that chair.

"You told me you loved me once, and it's all I've ever truly believed. I know I've made you doubt it at times, but I never stopped loving you, either. I can't live this life without you. I tried, Angel. I tried and I failed. So I came here, because I'm tired of pretending. I needed to see you again, to find out if there's still a chance for us."

I lean back into the chair; it's his turn to talk. He's been staring at his hands the whole time, but finally he looks up at me. I know what's coming next. Practical Angel has made his appearance.

"I don't want to do this again, but I will if you make me, Buffy." he says gently but matter-of-factly. "Nothing's changed. We can't be together. If you can't accept that, I'm sorry. But I'm not changing my perspective on the situation."

If he thinks it's going to be that easy, he's got another thing coming. I'm just getting warmed up. First we deal with his non-answers to my previous questions.

//I know you're confused
I know that you're shaken
You think we'll be lost
Once we begin
I know you're weak
I know that you want me
Lover don't speak
Let me in//

"I know you're confused, Angel--"

"I'm not," he replies shaking his head. "I'm very clear on this, Buffy."

"You must be," I insist. "Because you haven't answered two very clear questions that I asked you earlier. So you must be having trouble answering them." He's giving me a perplexed look, so I explain. "Do you love me?"

He looks away again, but not before I notice the pained look on his face. I sit back again, feeling much more at ease. I've shaken him with that question, so that means his answer is yes. I'm not letting him out of saying it out loud, though. I'll wait forever for that answer, if I have to.

After I don't know how long, he looks back at me, with tears in his eyes. "Yes, I love you, Buffy. But it doesn't matter," he says. The hopelessness in his words tears at my heart and makes the fight to hold my tears back futile.

"It does matter," I argue, brushing away the tears. I stand and walk around the desk to lean against it in front of him. "It's the only thing that matters, Angel."

He looks away again, and I continue. "I know what you're thinking. We're doomed before we even begin, so why bother. Right?" He nods, still avoiding looking at me. "Wrong. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but our love is too powerful to deny, Angel. I can't do it anymore. How much longer can you?"

"The curse--"

"We'll deal with it," I say. "I'd rather be with you, and never be able to make love to you; than never have you hold me again."

"You deserve so much more, Buffy," he argues, shaking his head.

"Stop talking about what you think I deserve, and start listening to what I'm telling you," I say irritatedly. "I know, Angel, that you thought I'd be settling by choosing a life with you. But that was never the case. I *was* settling, though, when I was trying to live without you. First with Parker, and then with Riley, both were disasters. Neither of those relationships were real, they weren't enough, because I wasn't with you. And that's all I really want, Angel, is to be with you. That's all that makes me complete."

He looks up at me again, and that was a tactical error on his part. Because I can see it, his resolve is weakening.

"What was the other question I didn't answer?" he asks.

Okay if he's trying to throw off my concentration, he's doing a great job. Question... oh, yeah. I can't help the smirk on my face, as I remember. He asked for it. I repress a giggle at the suspicious/half-frightened look on his face in response to my expression. "How can you turn away and deny this fire between us?"

His eyes darken, and I know that expression so well. He wants me. He's trying to ignore it because it scares him to death. I'm scared too, but I'm not letting it keep us apart any longer. He stands, so close to me, and looks into my eyes. "I never denied it, Buffy. But I had to walk away from you *because* of that fire. It's what destroyed us."

"Almost," I reply gently, putting my hand on his arm. To keep him from walking away more than for any other reason. "But it didn't destroy us completely. Because we're still here, and our love is still alive. I believe in us, Angel, I'm asking you to do the same. There's too much about our love that is worth fighting for. You make me a better person. I'd like to think I --"

"Make me a better vampire?" Angel cracks. At my aggravated look, he shrugs. "Sorry. Bad joke. I get it. And you do, Buffy, you make me believe I'm worth something. But--"

"No more buts, Angel," I cut him off. "No more words. Just try a little faith for once, Angel. And let me in."

He looks at me, silently, for what feels like forever. Then his hands are cradling my face, and he's gazing at me so tenderly I can hardly believe it. I open my mouth to speak, but before I can, he's kissing me. And I know then that coming here was the first intelligent thing I've done in a year and a half. Because I've finally got my Angel back; and it's going to last this time, if I have any say in the matter.

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