Disclaimer: Uh, don't own. You probably wouldn't watch the shows if I did. And the song's Alison Krauss and the Union Station's "It doesn't matter"... Only bits and pieces, don't worry Hanna... *grin*
Summary: After Buffy's return, she thinks. And thinks. And thinks. Guess who's POV this is? Author's note: I know it's *way* out of character, but don't think about that, kay? I wasn't feeling like one of those dark/sad/thoughtful fics... Forgiveness? But I'm not saying this is a happy fic. It's not... So, if you're in the same mood as I am right now, which is giggly, do *not* read. Oh, and don't think about Joyce, somehow she didn't fit in... Like I care... And this is a quick fic!
Distribution: You crazy people want this? Man, you're high... Angieway, it's want, ask, take, have thang here... But list-mommies go ahead!
Spoilers: Everything's a fair game. Especially The Gift.
Rating: There's angst. So that. I think it's PG-13.. I suck with these.
Feedback: Flame away!
Dedication: This one's for Eliza Dushku, 'cause she rocks. Enough said! And thanks to Hanna, my Beta, loads of CCNA! And special dedication to David and Jaime. I don't have to like it, right?

Anyway, enough about that gravestone... That stupid gravestone I got removed the first thing after I got back... Wanna know how I got back? One word: Willow. But enough about that too. Where was I when I was dead then? You know, the after-life thang? I like to think that I was cruising with the stars. Not that I was. I was here, moving around, watching everybody living without me - some un-living. The Gang was doing okay, mourning, but dealing. Dawn was blaming herself, but Spike got her out of it. I have to thank him about that sometime. The only one who wasn't dealing was Willow. Tara was there for her though, helped out when she searched for a way to get me back. I'm grateful to Tara, for being there. Xander was trying to drown into the whole wedding thing. And Giles... good ol' Gilesy was mourning maybe the most. Guess I really was the daughter he never had.

/You've been on a road, don't know where it goes or where it leads/

I was like a ghost, but not really, because they told me I was going back. 'No rest - no sleep' kinda thing it was. Believe me, I gave a good screaming over that to the all mighty PTB. As a reward they showed me my life as rewind. That sucked. I was a wreck for days. All that crying and stuff, not really healthy for you. But hey, I was practically a ghost, so, I dealt...

The better side of being dead was that I got to visit Angel. Not that he could see me, but I like to think that he could feel me. He was a wreck. No, scratch that, he was -- I have no words for what he was. He just... wasn't. He was dead. Not that vampire-dead that I know and love, but this time he really looked dead. Sometimes his eyes were empty, like there was nothing inside them, and when he was alone, they were full with pain I've never seen before. I cried a lot then, tried to hold him in my arms, sometimes even screamed to him, but he didn't notice. He was so alone. Once I thought he was going to stay outside and greet the sun. He sat out there for a long time, and I pleaded and cried, I even hit him. But just before the sun was up, Cordelia came and dragged him inside. He didn't put up a fight, I don't think he had enough energy, considering I hadn't seen him eat ever since I showed up.

After that, the AI team boarded up all the windows of the Hyperion. I've never seen Cordelia so scared, she really has changed. I think she truly loves Angel, thank God not in the lover way, but like a sister loves a brother. He has a family now and I'm not a part of it. They checked on him every night after that and tried to talk to him. It was useless, but they tried.

So, what happened to me after that? Well, I spent all my time there, by his side, making sure he wouldn't turn to dust. Then one day, I woke up. Just like that. All my friends where there, around me, but somehow, all I could think of was "Angel." That was my first word too. I think Willow called him, 'cause after two hours of my so-called rebirth, he was there. I told him I'd been watching over him. For that he cried and then after, kissed me. And I cried and smiled and laughed with him. It just felt so right.

/Feel the sting of tears, falling on the face you loved for years/

I can't cry anymore, I've cried for about two lifetimes. Maybe it's a good thing, although nowadays it's hard for me to express any kind of feeling. I don't smile, I don't laugh. I like to think it's because he left me again. Now that he knows I'm safe, he doesn't have to hang around anymore. He repeated his mantra again, you know: "He doesn't deserve me, he can't take me to light..." Like I care. After he left, my world just stopped - again. I don't do anything expect patrol nowadays. Sometimes I catch Giles, Willow and Xander talking about me and my well-being. How could I be well, when he's not here?

*sniff* WHYYY?!? *hits herself* Feedback please!

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