Summary: In the aftermath of Buffy's death, Dawn finds out that she was the only one who really knew her sister. Post The Gift.
Disclaimer: As of season 4 BtVS and season 3 Ats, I don't want them.
Dedication: To my new pal Max. To all the people who think Buffy lost herself after Angel left. And to all my fellow B/Aers at the Babble Board.
Spoilers: Through The Gift. Not really any for Ats.
Notes: This is a bit out of character for Dawn and Willow, but I can see it happening. Remember, This is from Dawn's point of view and is set right after The Gift.

It's always been up to you,
It's turning around,
It's up to me,
I'm gonna do what I have to do,
just do
-- From Tomorrow, by Avril Lavigne

-----------------------------------------

I looked at my hands. I couldn't bear to look anywhere else. Tonight I will be alone in this house. No mother. No sister. All alone.

Willow cleared her throat. I looked up, as did Tara and Giles. Anya stopped rubbing Xander's arm and they turned to look at Willow.

Willow opened her mouth, then shut it, and opened it once more. "I should try to get a hold of him. They loved each other a lot. He'd want to know."

I nod slowly. Angel would want to know Buffy had died. He loved her more I could contemplate. I could imagine the look on his face when Willow would tell him. He'd stay strong until he was alone, then he'd slowly crumble. Fall to the floor maybe. Do vampires cry blood tears, or normal ones?

I was torn from my morbid thoughts by Xander. "Do any of you know how to get a hold of him?"

"Yeah, He sent me a letter after he left with a phone number in it." Willow answered.

"What will you say?" Anya asked.

"I don't know." Willow floundered. "How do you tell someone the love of their is dead?"

We were all silent for a moment before Willow said softly, "How does this sound? I have some bad news Riley, it's about Buffy."

That shocked me out of my stupor. "WHAT!" I shrieked, jump off the sofa and shrugging of Giles' comforting arm. "Riley? You're going to call *Riley*!?"

"O-Of course Dawnie, who else would we call? He was the love of Buffy's life. She drove him away, but she loved him. She would have let him comeback soon." Willow offered.

I can't believe this.

"Who else could you call? Oh, I don't know… ANGEL MAYBE? He was the love of Buffy's life after all. He might want to know she *died*!"

"*Dawn*!" Willow scolded me.

"What? It's true, he was." I snapped back, knowing that the reprimand had been for the mention of her death.

"Angel was just a fling, Dawnie. You know that. She got over it and moved on." Willow replied.

"As if! Are all of you blind? She *loved* Angel. Riley was… Riley was just her rebound guy. He was safe. She was only with him because she thought he wouldn't hurt her. She was with him so she wouldn't be alone. If you all thought what she and Riley had was love, I think you need to take a very close look at the relationships you're in."

"DAWNIE!" Willow cried. "How can you say those things?"

"Because they're true." I cried, and ran from the room.

I can't believe how little they knew of the Buffy behind her mask. I know that she always looks happy, but is that all they see? Have Willow and Xander ever even thought that there might be more to Buffy's soul then the Slayer-Best Friend-Girlfriend-always happy person?

Am I the only one who saw how broken she was?

I run into HER room and lock the door behind me. I turn and survey the room. It hasn't changed a lot since we move here. The walls are the same, the furniture hasn't moved. I walk over to her mirror and study the pictures stuck in the frame. They are the only thing that changes.

When she was still in high school, I would sneak in here and read her diary. I found out about the slayer thing right after we moved. I always loved to look at the pictures. At first it was just Mom, me, Willow, Xander, one or two of Cordelia, and a few of Giles. Then I started to notice a few pictures of a guy that she had added, Angel. Through her diary I found out about everything that happened in her life. But the pictures gave the people she wrote about faces.

Now, as I look at the mirror and the pictures therein, it strikes me that not one is older the two years. Buffy Bronzing with Riley. Buffy laughing with Willow in her dorm room. The whole group researching some baddie. Buffy kissing Riley. Buffy and Riley looking like they just had sex. Buffy and Riley and Mom. They're all like that. Just about every picture is of Buffy and Riley.

Maybe she was trying to forget everything that happed before college. I turn away in disgust. But what I see on her bed stops me in my tracks.

I must have been the first one to come in here since *it* happened this morning. Someone else would have put everything away. Everyone downstairs likes happy college girl Buffy who is in love with Riley. They'd want to forget the side of Buffy that's laid out on her bed for all the world to see.

I remember the summer she ran away. The morning she left, she woke me up. At first I was mad because it was six am on a Saturday, but she told me to shut up. She told me that she had just killed Angel, her Angel. I had known everything that had gone down before this. I wept with her on her birthday when she found out what had happened. She told me that she had to get away. That she had to think. She told me that she would come back someday. She just had to get away. She asked me not to tell. We hugged and she left. I cried for a long time that day.

Slowly I sit on the edge of her bed and look at my sister's life. Her real life. The parts of herself she locked away. There were mountains of pictures. Almost all of them were taken while she was in high school. Most are of Angel. Or her and Angel. Her high school yearbook was here the too. The cross and ring he had given her, the book of poetry I knew was from him. There a few outfits folded neatly too. Everything that had been her life from the time we moved to Sunnydale to her high school graduation was displayed on her bed.

On the middle of her bed was a letter. It was for me.

Dawn,

If you're reading this, then I died while fighting Glory. God that sounds so clichéd. But it's true. I had a feeling I wouldn't come home from this fight. I hope I had a chance to tell you that I love you. To tell you this wasn't your fault. It wasn't. And I do.

I came home just to change. I wasn't planning on digging out all this stuff. But I looked in my mirror and I didn't see myself. I saw Buffy Summers: College Student, Dutiful Girlfriend. What happened? Where did Buffy Summers: The Vampire Slayer go? Where did Buffy Summers: Girlfriend, But With A Life go?

Where did Angel go? That seems like root of the problem. I tried to rewrite my life after he left, I think. It hurt too much. He'd know what I mean. Hell, maybe you do. I wanted to go into this battle as the Buffy Summers who thought I could someday win and get my `happily ever after' with Angel.

I realized that at some point I had given up. I figured out that I'd never get my happily ever after. I realized that I'm a warrior and that it's my duty to save the world. It's not my destiny to live happily ever after; I'm destined to die in battle. I'm not destined to be known for my prowess in battle, I'm not destined to be know for outliving my calling and getting a happily ever after. I'm meant to be forgotten. I'm meant to live and die so another can start the cycle over.

I got this stuff out because I wanted to try to remember what it felt like to think I could win. But also because I wanted to know that this stuff wouldn't be thrown away. If Willow or Xander were to find it, they would look at it and cry. But then they would put it in a box and get rid of it. They'd do that because they want to see me one way, and only that way. I want you to keep this stuff. Or you can give it to Angel. Just don't let it disappear. I don't want to be remembered by everyone as College Buffy. Willow and Xander and maybe Giles will remember me that way, but I don't want you to.

Make sure that someone tells Angel what happened. Knowing Willow, the first person she'll try to call will be Riley. This may sound awful, but I don't care whether Riley finds out at all. I just want someone to tell Angel and someone to tell Faith. She deserves to know that I've died. I only wish I could talk to her one last time.

That's the funny thing about knowing you're about to die. It's not the fear. I'm not afraid that I'll die today. I just know that I will. The funny thing is, I have all of these regrets. I wish I had told Faith that I forgive her. I wish I had given Riley a piece of my mind when he left, instead of trying to stop him. I wish I had not let Dracula bite me. I wish I had fought harder to keep Angel. I wish I hadn't lost myself. I wish I had found myself sooner. I wish. I wish. I wish.

But it's too late now. It's to late for wishes.

Dawn, I love you. I love you. I *love* you. I can't seem to say, or write, it enough.

I wish I could have told Angel that I love him one more time.

I want you to show this letter to him. I'd like him to read it.

I love you Dawn.

I know you'll miss me, but I don't want you to get lost in grief the way I did that summer. If you have to get away from Sunnydale, go to L.A. Let Angel keep an eye on you. I trust him to.

By the way, I know that you've been looking for my diary of the past year. I hid it because it says that you are The Key. You are, but you are also my sister. The diary is on the top shelf of my closet.

Can you tell everyone that I love them? That I'm not afraid?

I love you, Dawn. You're my sister. You always stood by me. You let me cry when I needed to. I'm sorry that we grew apart when I started college. There, another regret. But now it's too late for regrets.

I love you. I'll miss you.

You've always been my Dawn.

Buffy

I finished the letter a few minutes ago. Slowly I stand. I think I'm numb.

I can't feel anything. I walk to her mirror and stare at myself. My hair is flat. My cheeks have tear tracks running down them. My eyes are red. Does that mean I cried?

I turn back to face her bed. Buffy's right, if I leave this stuff out Willow will throw it away. I put everything in a box; it was on the other side of her bed. At some point I start to cry.

I can feel my tears now. They burn my cheeks. Once the box is in her closet, hidden by shoes and battle-axes, and her letter is safe inside it, I turn and unlock the door. I've only been up here for about 20 minutes. When I reach the living room, I see that no one has moved save Willow. She is hanging up the phone. She stands, giving me a pitying look and speaks.

"I called Riley. He'll be here tomorrow afternoon. We can have the funeral day after. Just us and Riley. Dawn what do you want her tombstone to say?"

I shake my head, trying to clear it. She isn't even going to tell Angel. *Just us and Riley.*

"Dawn?" Giles asks.

I snap out of my thoughts. "What?"

"What do you want her tombstone to say?" He asks softly. I think he's numb too.

What do I want my sister's tombstone to say?

"She saved the world a lot."

What else could it say?

-------------------------------------------

Her funeral was this morning. Just us and Riley. Just like Willow wanted. I stood there as they lowered her coffin. Giles and Riley stood beside me. Willow cried. Riley looked grim. I stood there. This wasn't my sister's funeral. This wasn't Buffy's funeral.

This was Willow's. This was Riley's.

This wasn't Buffy's. Spike was the only other one to understand that. He's going to drive me to L.A. tonight. Buffy was right, I need to get away. I'm going to see if I can stay with Angel. I need to know that someone besides me, and maybe Spike, will morn Buffy, the true Buffy.

Angel doesn't even know yet. And someone will need to tell Faith.

Like Buffy told me oh so long ago, "I'll come back someday. Right now, I just need to get away."

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