Disclaimer: If I owned them, would Buffy be going insane? Did I just say that? Read the story J.not mine!
Author's Notes: This is set before/around "A New Man" on Buffy's b-day.the way it should have happened! Well.sort of. Anyway, the song is "Lover After Me" by Savage Garden it's sooooo good! Feedback! Please!

He was doing it again. Walking down that same pier, though it was night now, and she was gone. She wasn't coming back. Everything called to her though; the place they had kissed, the store they had stopped at to buy more ice cream, the street they had walked down when he was human.

Things even reminded him of Sunnydale. Anything. He saw a blond girl on the street and thought of her. He heard someone say "wigging" and spun around, expecting to see her. A laugh even, in a crowded L.A. bar and he was with her again, until he remembered that she wasn't there, she wasn't in L.A. she never would be. Not for him anyway.

Cordelia had let it slip the other night. "Buffy's turning nineteen on Wednesday. Willow called to ask me to come to the surprise party, but I don't have time. Besides.high school much? Then she went on for like an hour about Buffy's new boyfr-oops."

Angel had just stared. He knew he looked like an idiot, but the thought of Buffy with anyone else.He told himself it was right, it was good, it was what should happen. What she deserved.

He told himself he'd stop thinking about her, but it never worked.

Here I go again I promised myself I wouldn't think
of you today
It's been seven months and counting
You've moved on
I still feel exactly the same
It's just that everywhere I go all the buildings know
your name
Like photographs and memories of love
Steel and granite reminders
The city calls your name and I can't move on//

"The day's not over yet," Buffy laughed, "I'm sure something can still go wrong!"

"No way. This is a good birthday! Well.mostly."

"Right. I'm gonna do a sweep. I'll see you later, okay?"

"Right. Good night birthday girl," Willow said, laying down on her bed and waving.

"Will! We're supposed to keep quiet about that!" she scolded, closing the door behind her. She lost the cheerful façade the moment she was in the hall and walked quickly outside, trying very hard not to think about him, or about the fact it was her birthday and almost two years ago she had made love to him the first time.

How could she even think about Riley after Angel? How could she be doing this?

Because it was the only thing she could do.

She found herself walking off campus, towards town. Where every building was a place she'd gone with Angel. To the graveyard, where she'd spent hours with Angel.

Where she could be spending them now with Riley.

But it wasn't the same. It just.wasn't. No matter how much she wanted it to be.

"Buffy!" a voice called. She spun around and smiled when she saw Riley. He walked over and kissed her. She returned it half-heartedly, her mind in other places.

She was not going to think of Angel again. Not with a real, life human boyfriend right beside her.

It was just hard, that was all. She would learn. Hopefully before she went insane.

Ever since you've been
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me//

Angel wondered if Buffy was patrolling with her new boyfriend. From Cordelia's comments he gathered this guy knew about the slaying, and even participated. So Buffy had found a real replacement. The guy had everything-including a beating heart.

He wondered if when they finished patrolling they would go back to her room, or his and she would kiss him, touch his skin with those hands, whisper his name into the darkness.

The thought was beyond bearing. But he had to. He had to think it. If he was going to think about Buffy, he had to think about this too. That was his punishment. To imagine her calling another man's name in the darkness.

Am I all alone in the universe?
There's no love on these streets
I have given mine away to a world that didn't want it
anyway
So this is my new freedom
It's funny
I don't remember being chained
But nothing seems to make sense anymore//

They didn't talk; Riley must have sensed that Buffy didn't feel like it. She didn't feel like anything, except tired and alone. She wasn't alone she told herself, but had trouble believing it. She felt empty, completely hollow. Like there was nothing inside, not even her. And no one in the world could make her feel whole again, except one and he had left her.released her to be happy. Was this happiness? And what had she had before? What was that warm feeling when she woke up to see him looking at her with that expression, sweet and tender and in love?

Was that nothing? Was that misery?

Then why did she feel so terrible now?

She'd sent her love away, her entire life, and now she was left completely empty, a mockery of herself. This was what she had from nineteen years of life. A strong body without a core at all. She'd given herself away, to the world, to her friends, but mostly to Angel, and he had walked away with her soul.

"Buffy.are you all right?" Riley asked after a long time. She didn't look at him.

"I'm fine," she said quietly, "Just birthday blues I guess."

"Can I cheer you up?" he asked.

"I don't think anything can," she replied, wishing to everything she knew that it wasn't true.

Why couldn't she just be happy? Why couldn't she even know what that was?

Without you I'm always twenty minutes late//

"You're late," Cordelia said. "Where have you been?" Angel looked up at her as he walked into the office and she sighed. "You have Buffy-face again. Hello! Stop with the moping! Why don't you go to her birthday party?"

"I'm not invited," Angel replied. "Besides, she has a new boyfriend."

"That's what this is about?" Cordelia asked. "Angel, you told her to move on."

"I know."

Their eyes met and Cordelia sighed again, leaving her desk to walk over to her boss. "Let's forget the meeting, okay? Why don't you get some rest? You look like you could use it!"

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me//

It was so dark where she was. So dark, and so cold. So lonely, except that she wasn't alone. She wasn't with Riley, true. She couldn't bring herself to that. But she wasn't alone. She was never alone anymore. Especially not at night, in the dark, in her bed. They were always with her. The doubts. The fears. That aching clawing coldness.

And him. His ghost visited her in the night, stroked her face and told her he loved her until she whimpered his name into the darkness. And then he left her again and she kept crying out for him. But he was always gone, leaving the demons with her.

None of them knew, of course. None of them suspected, not even Willow who slept every night three feet away (she was out at a study group at the moment). They thought she was fine, happy even. During the day, sometimes, she could pretend that she was. She could even fool herself once in a while.

But not at night. Not when the whispers came, when the memories came, her new lovers for her new life.

Had it only been two years since that night? Time inched. Every second was a year without him. What a cliché. Except it happened to be true. Two years since that one, perfect, glorious night.

She'd been wrong. This wasn't the best birthday. It was the worst.

And times goes by so slowly
The nights are cold and lonely
I shouldn't be holding on
But I'm still holding on for you//

The darkness was the worst. Laying in his bed, imagining what Buffy was thinking, what she was doing, who was with her.

How could she love someone else? How was it possible? He wished he knew how to move on. He didn't. He couldn't. And he couldn't hold it against her. She deserved happiness, whatever of it she could find. Maybe this would be one birthday that would bring her happiness. She deserved that more than anyone in the world.

Angel tried to sleep, but every time he closed his eyes he saw her. And then, before he could stop himself, he was getting out of bed, getting dressed, taking the box from the dressing table, walking to the car and it was too late to stop himself.

Here I go again
I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today
But I'm standing at your doorway
I'm calling out your name because I can't move on//

Angel stood there, unsure of what he was doing, but knowing he had to do it. He opened the door slowly, finding it unlocked and there she was, just sitting up on her bed, her face red with tears, her hair half-fallen down.

"Buffy," he whispered into the air. She gave a low cry and then she was in his arms again, her mouth lifting to his, urgency and passion and loneliness in the kiss, lighting him afire. He lifted her into his arms and closed the door behind him, his mind screaming that this could not be, for so many reasons.

His heart didn't care.

"Angel, don't leave me again," Buffy whispered when she pulled away for air. "You can't leave me again. I need you."

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me//

"Buffy.you have someone else now. Another man, a human man. Someone to make you happy. A new lover."

She pulled away suddenly, with a savage cry, her eyes wild and bright. A pang of fear struck Angel. He had never seen her like this. There was something in her face, in her eyes.

"A new lover?" she said harshly. "You want to know who's in my bed at night Angel? Who rocks me to sleep when you're not there to do it?"

"Buffy-" he began, hating the look in her eyes, the harsh pain in her voice. Hating the thought of someone else in her bed.

"No, listen to me Angel! It's pain in my bed every night, and fear and loneliness. The knowledge that I'll never be happy, or loved or whole. And it's you," she said, her voice catching on a sob suddenly, her eyes going wide with something he could not identify, that only frightened him more. "It's always you." She lifted her eyes to his, desperation and love and pain warring in them. "And you always leave."

And suddenly she was collapsing in on herself. Angel barely caught her before she hit the floor, cradling her against him and taking her over to the bed. "Shh," he whispered, sitting down with her upon his lap, cradling her as her body shook with sobs. "It'll be all right."

"How?" she demanded in a harsh sob against his chest. "How will it be all right? I'm going insane Angel. I know I am. Are you even here? Really?"

"I'm really here," he soothed her, desperation of his own coming into play. Fear, for this bright life that was hurting. "I'll make it better, I promise. I'll keep you safe."

"And go away again," Buffy whispered, her sobs subsiding a little. He kissed the top of her head and then bent her face up and kissed her lips softly.

"No. Not while you need me. I'll stay Buffy. I'll keep the darkness away love."

And rocking in his arms she drifted off to sleep, at peace again. For her Angel had come to drive away the darkness.

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