Disclaimer: They don't belong to me. In fact, even the premise of the story doesn't belong to me, it's Duck's! I'm just running with it.
Author's Notes: Okay, so I read Duck's story "Bitter" and then I just had to write this. But I do not believe it! Not the depressing ending anyway. I just.had to write it. Anyway, there's two endings.
Feedback please!!! I live on it!

The knock at the door didn't surprise him-neither did her red-rimmed eyes when she walked in without waiting for an answer. She never waited for an answer, an explanation-not that she would accept what he had to say anyway.

Angel had learned a lot in the past two weeks.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, watching her with quiet dark eyes, no hint of all the things that had always been in them-sorrow, passion, need. Now they were just dark. Nothing left for her to read.

"I came to apologize," Buffy said evenly, though her voice cracked as she said it.

"Why?" Angel asked cooly. She winced visibly at his tone and closed the door behind her, looking away.

"I was wrong to say those things to you. I was wrong to attack you about Faith, and to rub Riley in your face.I was wrong," she admitted, not meeting his eyes. It hurt too much, to know she had hurt him-had meant to, and succeeded.

"I know."

Buffy's eyes leapt up to his face, flashing for a moment with anger, at him, at herself.who knew anymore? "So why did you ask me why I came? What, you thought I wouldn't apologize for something I did wrong? I can admit my mistakes Angel. Maybe that's more than you can do."

Angel's face hardened and he turned away, sat down and looked back at her. "It doesn't matter Buffy. You were wrong. Maybe I made mistakes too. It doesn't matter. It's over."

"Over," Buffy repeated in a very small, very quiet voice, her entire body drawing back slightly.

"Over," Angel replied, no emotions at all entering his voice. "I did make a mistake-I misjudged you. I always have. I thought you were a.goddess. My goddess. I put you on a pedestal, and nearly worshipped you. You were my light, my hope, my salvation-I wasn't worthy of you, I never could be.But I was wrong. You're not perfect. You're just a girl, like any other."

And then Buffy did something completely unexpected. She began to laugh.

There was nothing joyous about the laugh, nothing happy or merry or funny.if it was anything, it was bitter, a pure acknowledgement of irony. Angel set his jaw and told himself it didn't matter, he didn't care.

She was just a girl. A selfish, immature, impulsive teenager.

"What's so funny?" he asked quietly, because she seemed to be begging the question.

Buffy didn't stop laughing. Except the edge of the laughter had grown and she wasn't exactly sure if she was still laughing or if it had changed to sobs now.

"You," she told him finally. "This. Me. God, I'm just hilarious."

"Buffy-" he began, but she cut him off.

"What? It doesn't matter anymore? I should just leave? Well don't you want in on the joke Angel? Don't you want to know what's just so godawful funny?"

He didn't move, just stared off past her, his jaw clenched tightly, waiting for her to finish and go. She gave a last little laugh/sob and turned to the counter, looking over the coffee mugs and personal items there.

"Enlighten me," Angel said finally.

"Planning on it. You see, I always was just a girl Angel. I'm the Slayer-super strength. But that's it. I was never everything you thought I was.and I knew it. Everyone knew it but you. And I tried to show you. You don't know how many hundreds of times I tried to get it through to you that I'm not who you wanted me to be! I spent so fucking long trying to get myself off that pedestal and with you. I never wanted to be a goddess Angel! I just wanted to be loved." She stopped and turned to him, biting her lip suddenly, her eyes open and vulnerable and for a moment his heart stirred but-no. As she'd taken pains to point out, his heart didn't beat. Besides, she'd found her love. As she'd also taken pains to point out.

She turned away and the spell was broken. Buffy continued in a low voice. "You never ever saw me. You saw what you wanted me to be-your hope. Your light. Strong and good and beautiful. But I'm not all that Angel. Like you said, I'm just a girl. I thought if I could make you see that, I could.I don't know, stop seeing guilt every time I looked into your eyes. Like you thought you were pulling me down or something. Except I was never really up. I guess I stopped trying when you left. I mean, what was the point? You didn't want to be with me anyway.And then, this of all things, when I so wasn't trying, finally made you see what I'd been trying to show you all along-and it made you stop loving me." She took a deep breath and turned back to him and he saw her face was streaked with silent tears. She smiled through them, wryly. Angel still didn't move.

"That's not even the funny part," Buffy continued, ambling randomly around the room. "The funny part is the reason I said all those things was because I knew you'd love me anyway. And it was that which stopped you.Screwed up, I know, but there it is." She laughed softly, bitterly. "I was hurt, and angry and I needed to lash out at someone.and I guess I always thought, way deep down inside that you'd always love me, no matter what. I never even considered the fact the revelation of my true nature as a person would also make you realize you'd never loved me.I'm babbling. Basically, I needed to yell at someone, and you were the safest person. Everyone else.well, I know they'll stick by me, but.but not in the same gut way I always thought you would be. So I was awful to you. It's no excuse. It even makes it worse, that you didn't deserve it.but like I said, I'm only human. We do stupid things sometimes. It's kinda a rule." She finally stopped pacing in front of Cordelia's desk and turned back to look at him, leaning back on the desk.

"I'm sorry.for not being who you wanted me to be. And I'm sorry I was wrong about you," Buffy finished softly, no longer crying, but calm, and sad. Angel looked up and met her eyes.

"Buffy.I don't know what to say. I wish, for both our sakes I had been able to see the truth earlier. It would have spared us both a lot of pain."

She nearly smiled at that, even though her soul ached. He didn't love her. He had never loved her. Oh, she'd always known he loved her as something more than she really was.but she'd always thought beneath that he loved her too.

It hurt to be wrong about that. More than she'd thought was possible anymore.

"Would it?" she asked softly. "I think there was always going to be a lot of pain Angel. For us anyway.though I guess there really isn't an 'us' huh? Since you don't love me. Since you never did."

That time he did wince. He did look hurt. Finally, she thought cruelly. Finally something had gotten through to him.

What a human thought. And Buffy, for once, didn't care. She didn't want to try and live up to his little ideal. She just wanted to be herself. Except she didn't know what that was anymore.

"It's not like I never loved you-" Angel began. Buffy cut him off with a gesture of her hand.

"That's exactly what it's like Angel," she said gently. "You loved a thought. An.image. You never wanted a woman Angel. You wanted the Light. You wanted salvation. And I'm not it. And I never was."

"Buffy."

"Goodbye Angel. I hope you find your salvation," Buffy whispered, and turned and walked out the door, the silent tears coming again, forever.

The door closed behind her, and Angel was alone again without even the belief in Light.

The End

Well? What do you think? Too depressing for you? Read the happy ending below!

Happy ending:

What a human thought. And Buffy, for once, didn't care. She didn't want to try and live up to his little ideal. She just wanted to be herself. Except she didn't know what that was anymore.

"That's not true Buffy," Angel said roughly. "I-" Buffy cut him off with gesture of her hand.

"You never wanted a woman Angel. You never wanted to love a woman. You wanted the Light. You wanted salvation. And I'm not it. And I never was." Buffy caught her breath sharply, holding back tears again. She closed her eyes for a very long moment as one tear crept beneath her lashes and slid down her cheek. Angel clenched his hands around the arms of his chair very tightly and watched her. She opened her eyes again, slowly, bright green with unshed tears and then began to turn to the door. And then, slowly, she stopped, her hand on the door knob.

Silence settled over them like a smothering blanket. Buffy's hand was trembling on the knob. Angel didn't move, didn't blink, didn't even dare to think. They waited, for one of them to say it, to ask the question.for a moment of truth.

"You always thought you didn't deserve me," Buffy said finally, her voice muffled. "That you were somehow tarnishing my perfection.but I'm only a woman. A girl. Whatever. And do you think, maybe, that means we're both worthy of each other?"

A sound came from Angel, like a revelation, and in a moment he was across the room and she had spun around and thrown herself into his open arms, sobbing. It was like something had opened in his heart.a door to a whole world he'd never thought of. A world where things didn't have to be perfect. People didn't have to be perfect. Just people.

"I don't even know who I am anymore Angel," Buffy whispered against his chest. "What's me and what's who you want me to be and what's you everyone else expects me to be? I don't know, I don't know who I am.and I don't know if I know you anymore either."

"I think you know me better than I know myself," Angel replied huskily, tilting her head up so he could see her eyes. "You're not the person I thought you were. You're not perfect. But neither am I. You're just you and so am I and.and maybe that's enough."

"I always thought it was," Buffy whispered, trying to smile through her tears. "That's what I tried to tell you all those times. But you never listened."

"You're right.I wanted you to be my Light," Angel whispered, smoothing back a piece of her hair. "I wanted you to make me better."

"Nobody can do that," Buffy replied softly. "Believe me, I should know.you have to make yourself better. Be your own Light.I-I'm sorry I can't be that for you. I want to.I wanted to. I wanted so much to be everything you thought I was."

"And I wanted so much to deserve that. To deserve you."

"You always have," Buffy whispered. "You always have. Do you think.do you think any part of you ever loved me.the teenager with all her faults? Do you think a part of you ever could?"

Angel swallowed. "I think all of me always did." he whispered. "Do you think I could truly not love you because you hurt me? Like I haven't hurt you a thousand times?" Buffy put her hand over his mouth to stop him.

"Shh. It doesn't matter," she whispered, then took it away to wipe at her tears. "Just tell me you love me. Me. Not the Slayer. Not your Light. Just Buffy. And I'll believe you. Can you tell me that truly Angel?"

"Forever," Angel whispered, and kissed away the tears, knowing for the first time what Light truly was.not a person that could save him. Only himself, and her, and everyone.and love.

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