Disclaimer: They're not mine. If they were, do you think I would be forced to spend my weekends staying up till one in the morning to try desperately to find some good in a horrible situation?! The answer would be no. They belong to Joss.
Author's Notes: I finally did it! I not only wrote a fic, I wrote one I've been meaning to write forever! And I salvaged a wonderful song from the evilness of Buffy/Parker-ness! The song is "Lucky" by Bif Naked and it's great, I love it, it's on the Buffy soundtrack. I've been on this major fic-writing hiatus, so please, be gentle J Kidding! (well mostly, I did write this at one in the morning.) Just give me feedback! I crave it! This is for Shaye, who waited up for it!

We made a deal, the Oracles and I. Three more days and a memory for anything. I said that. I promise them anything they wished, anything at all. Because I need more time. I needed more precious moments with him, more memories to treasure for the rest of my life; and I need to have those memories. No matter what happened, I knew I would know true happiness. Not just for a moment. For days.

I promised them anything. And I do not regret that. And I never will. Those days were worth anything I could ever hope to give.

It was a Monday, when my lover told me
"Never pay the Reaper with love only"
what could I say to you, except "I love you"
and "I'd give my life for yours"//

I didn't want to leave. God, how could I want to? How could I look into his face and be ready to go back? But death is a constant companion in my line of work, and I knew enough to see that nothing we could do would keep him away. He would take one of us, or both. No matter how happy we were, it would not stop him. No matter how much we loved each other. Nothing stops death, not when you've lost the strength to fight. Angel lost the strength and we had to get it back with whatever tools we had at hand. Love. Time. Memories.

What did it matter, that at the end I didn't care if death took me? It was too late then.

"You know it has to be this way," he whispered, smoothing back my hair. I was crying, of course. How could I help it? Tears couldn't-can't-express that kind of pain, but they were the best I could do.

"Of course I know," I whispered savagely. I wasn't angry at him. Maybe at myself, because I couldn't stop it. I couldn't find a way to save us both. "You think that helps? Knowing that you're giving up your life for me? I've seen you in the past four days Angel. I've seen your joy. You think I can bear to know you won't be able to feel that ever again? Bear to know that you won't be able to stand in the sunlight? I should just die! I should let you live!"

But of course he wouldn't let me. He makes all the sacrifices. My poor Angel.

And by the end there was no more "should have"s.no more regrets, just tears, and the sound of his heartbeat, and the feel of his lips and "I love you" over and over, so I would never forget it, so neither of us ever would.

I know
We are
We are the lucky ones
I know
We are
We are the lucky ones, dear//

When I first got home, I thought I'd never make it. I don't know how I even got back to Sunnydale. I don't remember the trip at all. I don't remember leaving his apartment. It was just one long, awful blur. Leaving him.going away.knowing I could never go back, not to what I had had. What we had.

Willow thought he'd said something awful to me. She threatened to go to L.A. herself and beat him up for me and I nearly laughed through my tears at the very idea, but then I thought of him, in L.A. alone and I could get out of bed for another day after that.it was horrible. I felt like such an idiot. It had to be done, there was no choice, why couldn't I just take the happy memories and move on?

It just wasn't that easy. But I think I've finally come to terms with it. To what it was, to what it is.to what we are.

Lucky.

The first time we made love I wasn't sober
And you told me you loved me over and over
How could I ever love another
When I miss you every day//

Dear Angel, (I wrote)

I think about it all the time. I think about you all the time. I think about the moment you walked into the sunshine and my mind told me it was a dream, just that, a fantasy, and my soul told me it was real.. It was real. I have to keep reminding myself. And the moment our hands touched, when I knew there was no way I was walking away from that, from you. I knew I could never be mature because I had been too mature for too long. I had spent too long away from you.

What was that compared to this? Nothing. Now I know what I'm missing.

I don't think we were entirely sober that first time, were we? Sure all we'd had was tea.but I was drunk on you, love. Drunk on the mere sight of you, the taste of you.your heartbeat.

Now write me again and tell me I should move on. You always were silly, you know that, right?

Remember the time we made love in the roses?
And you took my picture in all sorts of poses
How could I ever get over you
When I'd give my life for your's//

Remember when we snuck into Rose Gardens after they'd closed and made love in rose petals? Of course you do. You remember it all, just like I do. I know you still think it would be better if only you remembered, that then I could move on, get over you, find someone else.

But Angel, there is no one else. I know that know, though I didn't before. Oh sure, there are other guys that are human, that I could have picnics with (wasn't our picnic on the beach exquisite? And you never told me you liked to swim!), but no one could even make me feel that way. And there is no one else that would give me the gift that you have given me. No one else for whom I would give it back at a second's notice.

This isn't really why I wrote. I did want to make sure you know that you're not to mention my moving on again, because if I do it will be because I'm ready and I want to. I'm not saying I'm never going to have another relationship again, but.it seems a little futile. I've known perfection Angel. How could I ever settle for anything less?

Because it was perfection Angel. Each and every moment. And I'm not sorry for it. I'm not sorry for any of it.

It's time to say
I thank god for you
I thank god for you
In each and every single way
And, I know
It's time to let you know
Time to let you know
Time to sit here and say!//

That's mostly why I wrote. Yesterday I was sitting by the window remember and I had a revelation. All this time I'd been depressed about it, thinking how I could never have this again, how unfair it was, how horrible, how we should be allowed happiness.but we were allowed it. Not for very long, but some people never experience that at all. Some people go through their whole lives searching for a moment of what we had. And we had days Angel. We're lucky. We're so lucky, because we had those, and we still have them, in our hearts. And because we have each other.

I want you to know I'm not unhappy anymore. I don't intend to be either. I'm going to live life as best I can and I want you to too. And maybe someday we'll find happiness again. You never know. It could happen. And I don't want you to try and slink away again and pretend we can move on because we can't. You know it as well as I. I love you Angel, and I always will. At least we know that. A lot ot people never find their soul mates. We did.

And every morning and every evening I'm going to look up at the sky and thank what Powers are up there for you, and for those beautiful, glorious days.

Because it's true Angel, no matter how much it hurts, it's true.

We are the lucky ones,

Love Forever,
Buffy

I know
We are
We are the lucky ones
I know
We are
We are the lucky ones, dear
We are the lucky ones, dear
We are the lucky ones, dear
We are the lucky ones//

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