Never Let You Go
Never Let You Go
by
Felicity
Disclaimer: If I owned them, do you think this story
would exist? NO!
Author's Notes: Okay, this is my majorly angsty
interpretation of Sarah McLachlan's
song "I Will Not Forget You" as related to the episode
IWRY. The song is
amazing, if you have "Solace" you must listen to it as
you read! I listened
to it over and over while I wrote, so the tone should
be right on.Anyway, there's
not much of a plot, just Buffy looking over their
relationship.tell
me what you think!
I remember the nights I watched as you lay
sleeping
Your body gripped by some far away dream
Well I was so scared and so in love then
And so lost in all of you that I had seen
That night, that seems so long ago now, was
different. So different. I was so
frightened, of the Judge, of the world, but mostly of
losing him. Seeing him walk
away from me.or watching the Judge burn him into
nothing.There was no terror in the
world that could compare with that.
A few months he would have been gone. It seemed so
long then, compared with the lifetime
of loneliness I face now. Now as he stands here
telling me what will happen, what
must happen.
It was a thing of darkness and need, a thing of night,
of pain, and of love too.
Such a love, that I knew I could never let him go. We
made love in the dark, in the
quiet of that night and then I pretended to sleep, but
I was so afraid yet. He did
sleep, for a while, and dreamt, I think, and cried for
me in his sleep until I soothed
the nightmares away with a touch of my hand, a gentle
kiss and fell asleep beside
him.
To find him gone in the morning.
All those nights I lay by his side, afraid to touch
him too much, to love him too
much. All those nights, I never dreamed what joy truly
was.
But no one ever talked in the darkness
No voice ever added fuel to the fire
No light ever shone in the doorway
Deep in the hollow of earthly desires
We never spoke of that night. We never dared, for
fear it would bring too much
pain, too much desire that we knew we could never act
upon. I contented myself with
laying by his side, with a kiss that promised so much
more we could not have. We would
spend those nights silent, feeling the presence of the
other person, afraid to whisper,
lest it bring sense into the room, or day, or any of
the thousand things that kept
us apart.
I dreamt of better things. Of love without fear. Of
brightness. Of words in the fall
of that silence. I dreamt of a thousand things, and
prayed that someday the dreams
would come true.
And they did. Like a ray of sunshine through story
clouds they did. Like the full
moon rising above the black night. Like Angel's mouth
on mine. They did come true.
And I know now what joy is. I know.
But if in some dream there was brightness
If in some memory some sort of sign
And flesh be revived in the shadows
Blessed our bodies would lay so entwined
Light found a place in my heart, and play, and his
smile. Love wasn't a thing
of shadows anymore, it was real it was alive. He was
alive. Is alive. He is alive.
For now he is alive.
I learned a thousand things in a second. I learned
that pain doesn't have to lurk
everywhere. Some things can be truly joyful, if only
for a moment, or an hour, or
a day. I learned that love can survive anything and be
stronger for it. I learned
that Angel knew how to laugh, and how to love, truly
love. Without fear.
I learned how to love without fear.
Maybe it was a dream. Maybe this whole day was a
dream. Is yet a dream. But he is
real. His arms around me are real. His tears on my
face are real.
And I will oh I will not forget you
Nor will I ever let you go
I will or I will not forget you
He tells me I will not remember. That none of it
will have happened. That I never
heard his heart beat, or knew the softness of his
breath against my cheek. He tells
me I will walk away and never know.
He's wrong. He has to be wrong.
Maybe I won't remember. Maybe it's all lost to me. But
I will not forget.
Somewhere I will know. The love I found in the last
day, that joy and peace, was
there all along waiting to be discovered. I will never
let it go. I will never let
him go.
I can't. How can you forget your soul?
I remember when you left in the morning at
daybreak
So silent you stole from my bed
To go back to the one who possesses your soul
And I back to the life that I dread
He thought I was asleep this morning, when he
slipped out the bed, dressed and
hurried away, to what I would not guess. I would not
let myself. I hugged the pillow
that still had his scent to me and cried because I
knew somehow what would happen.
Angel loves me. But he loves the Light more.
Maybe that is an unfair thought. It's not love, not
really. It's...duty, or debt or
something. The Powers That Be gave him a soul a
hundred years ago, but it wasn't
a gift. They still possess it. I have always known
that, deep down somewhere. They
own him, until he makes amends for what he has done.
Maybe that is right. Maybe that
is the only true thing in the world. And he is doing
it for me as well, after all.
So he believes. I don't know if he's right. I think of
my life and wonder whether
I would really rather have it, than have him and
death.
It's not so bad, really. But compared to what I have
known.
Which is, supposedly, why I will not know it
anymore.
I can't imagine walking away from him. Going to my
classes, hanging out with my friends.
It's another world. Part of me hates it because I'm
lying to myself, every day, by
saying that I don't care that he isn't part of it.
That I can find someone else.
There is no one else. There never will be.
He left me, this morning though. I remember the moment
I knew he was gone, really
gone, forever.
So I ran like the wind to the water
Please don't leave me again I cried
And I threw bitter tears at the ocean
But all that came back was the tide.
I walked down to the pier while he was gone. Just
to stand there in the sun and
remember that I had been happy here for a moment. That
he had walked up to me as
if it was another one of my dreams and kissed me as if
he were a drowning man and
I was air.
I was air. And fire and water and earth. In his arms,
I was everything.
Without him, standing there, I was a shell, the bitter
salt of tears running down
my cheeks.
Come to me, I called him silently. Come here
again, find me, and tell me
it will be all right. Don't leave. Don' t leave. Don't
leave me again. Don't leave
me again.
But it was already too late. He was already gone,
the ocean didn't notice and
I walked back to his apartment to wait.
And I will oh I will not forget you
Nor will I ever let you go
I will or I will not forget you
I can hear his heart even now, calling to mine, an
anchor into this world, this
reality. It is beating. It is. I will not let
that go. I will not forget that
sound. Or the salt of Angel's tears. Had he ever cried
before?
Once, that night, for the joy in that night of
darkness.
There aren't enough words, or time to say them.
There's nothing to say, except a
promise, a prayer.
"I'll never forget."
His arms are around me and his face so close to mine,
and his tears mixing with my
own. Even the bitter sweetness can't stop it, can't
stop anything. I want to be there
forever. Let the clock not turn. Let this day never
end.
I will never forget.
Somewhere, in some part of my aching consciousness, I
will not forget. Maybe I will
never remember. Maybe I will walk out of his office as
if nothing had come between
us except all the darkness and love that had come
before.
But I will not forget him.
He will haunt my dreams every night. If I try to move
on, he will be there still,
in my heart. If I ever find joy, even a little, I will
know that I knew joy with
him first, and far beyond anything else. I will never
let go of this moment, of the
sound of his heart beating. I will hold on until I die
and my last thought will be
of him.
"I'll never forget," I whisper again, another promise,
a vow, a blessing,
a prayer, a curse in the same breath. I had known joy,
and I would know it always.
His joy. "I'll never forget."
And then the light came.
Oh.I will oh I will not forget you
Nor will I ever let you go
I will oh I will not forget you
Nor will I ever let you go
I will oh I will not forget you
The End
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