On the first day of November, she walked into my office. And an hour later, I walked out. Except I was a little different then.

I'd never seen her before. When I looked at her, no bells rang. There was nothing, no sign, no warning. I thought, "this is a young one. I hate it that they're getting so young."

But she wasn't young. Not really. Not enough. Oh God.

"You saved my life," she said, watching me with dark eyes which I should have realized were too old for her young face. I thought really hard, but there was nothing. No recollection. I'd saved a lot of people in the last twenty two years, true. But I usually remembered.

"I'm sorry, but I don't remem-"

"No, that's okay," she said quickly. "You wouldn't. I wasn't actually alive at the time. I mean, I was but.I wasn't born yet."

"Oh."

She seemed to take pity on me, and smiled a little, looking tired and happy, in an odd sort of way. As if she was about to do something joyful, but it was hardly enough to balance out the rest of her life.

"You saved my mother, and me. She was going to be killed, but you were her champion before the Tribunal, and you saved our lives."

And then I remembered. I remembered all too well. She had a lot of her mother in her face, and the same hip, offbeat accent in her voice. "I killed her first champion."

"It was a mistake," she replied, shrugging. "It happens. They don't blame you."

"They?"

"The Powers That Be."

I blinked, and stared at her, knowing I looked like an idiot. "What do you mean?"

"Angel.can I call you Angel?"

"Sure. And you are?"

"Alex. Nice to meet you."

"You too. So.what can I do for you?"

Her hands twisted together, and a tiny smile sneaked across her face. "A better question would be 'what can *I* do for *you*'?' That's why I'm here. You know about the whole shansu thing, right?"

I was surprised. What did she know about it? She couldn't be much more than a teenager. "Yes."

"Well, I'm the vessel."

She sounded so matter-of-fact. As if I should just know what that meant. What she was talking about.

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"I'm the one that gives you your redemption," she stated, waiting for the pleasure to cross my face, waiting for me to be happy. But I was too confused, and tired, and I didn't know what to think.'

"But I haven't earned it yet," I protested.

"Yes you have," she replied. "You earned it when you saved me. That was your task. I'm.well, you don't need to know about my task. But everything in your life up till that point was so that you could help save me. And you did. I didn't have my powers until yesterday though.I've been waiting years to come do this."

If I needed to breathe, I would have been in a lot of trouble just then. The world seemed to be slowing down all around me. There was something just beyond my reach, some fact that was waiting to come crashing down all around me. "That was twenty one years ago," I said slowly.

"Believe me, I know," Alex replied. "Sorry about the wait. But hey, you're not any older. Besides, better late than never, right?"

"Right," I whispered, and then it came to me and everything did crash down around me, this long spiral of pain.

Twenty one years before Buffy had been alive, and so had Wesley. Twenty one years ago I could have had a life. I could have walked in the sun with her, and slept by her side at night. If I'd been human twenty one years ago, I could have been there when she died, eighteen years ago. And maybe she wouldn't have died. And maybe she would be here with me.

"Are you okay?" Alex asked, and I think I shook my head. I wasn't really.aware. "There was someone. You were in love, but she's gone now."

"How do you.?" I asked, desperately trying to stay in control. Two hundred and sixty years, and I could barely keep from collapsing. All this time and it had been worth nothing.nothing.my task had been over, my redemption earned. But now it was too late. Too late for joy. Too late for life.

"I see things," she replied, bringing up a hand to brush my temple lightly. "You're hurt. I'm sorry. I thought I'd be bringing you joy."

"It's hard to explain," I said softly, not wanting to seem ungrateful. Life, humanity, was not something to be ungrateful for, whenever it came.

"No, I understand," Alex said. "I can see her, within you. She's a part of you. I'm sorry I didn't grow up soon enough."

"It's not your fault," I told her.

"I know. But I'm sorry you had to wait anyway. I was the one you saved, and therefore I was the only one that could give you your life back. A life for a life, do you understand?"

Of course I did. That's what I'd been looking for all these years. I'd been saving lives, saving souls, in hopes that one of them would be the right one, that one of them would make my life, my soul worth saving. And one of them had.

"What do you have to do?" I asked. Her eyes were compassionate, and old. She looked so much older than twenty one, though her face was younger. I wondered what it was that she was destined to do. What was this girl to the world, that her life was worth more than the hundreds I had saved since then?

"Don't move," she whispered, and put her hands on my temples. She closed her eyes, and I closed mine, because it seemed appropriate. Warmth, life, began to fill me, starting where she touched me and moving through my body, bringing the pains, all the aches and small realities of living with it. I felt my heart begin to beat, my blood begin to flow.

And then she took her hands away, and I was alive.

"Thank you," I said, opening my eyes. She nodded, and turned to go. I stopped her with a hand on her arm. "Good luck." She looked yet younger. My heart ached for her, for this frail girl that had such a task ahead of her. Like Buffy.who was gone now. I was human and she wasn't there to hear my heart beat and remember it this time. "If you need anything."

"Thanks," she said, a bright smile lighting her face, "but I think you've done enough." There was a tiny pause, as her head tipped a little to the side. "Look, there's this club.Adia.it's downtown. You should stop in some time."

"Do you go there?" I asked, surprised, confused as to why she made the suggestion. She shook her head.

"I don't really have time for clubs. It's just a suggestion. You might be surprised at what you find there."

"Thanks," I said, frowning a little.

"No problem. Bye." And then she was gone, and I stood there for a long time, alive. Redeemed. And it was all too late.

*

I'd say my life settled into normalcy, except for me normal was saving souls. Going to college part time in order to get a degree so someone would hire me was.just strange. I sold the hotel and moved into a new apartment. Cordelia was overjoyed to hear my news, but very annoyed that her visions had gone on twenty one years longer than absolutely necessary. She came over to help decorate my new apartment, and then she went back to her life and I tried to start a new one.

I spent my nights home reading, for the most part, except when Cordy dragged me to a party where I didn't know anyone. One night I went for a walk, trying not to think about the fact that it was too late, that all humanity had given me was the chance to grow older, not someone to grow older with.

I turned a corner and there it was. Adia. I remembered Alex's words, and because I had nothing better to do, I went inside. The club was dim, but it didn't have that dirty feeling most LA clubs have. The music was slow and pervasive, creeping into your mind, surrounding you. I went to the bar and sat down and ordered a drink. It was a nice place, with a mix of teenagers and twentysomethings, and a live band. But there was nothing for me there.

At least, I didn't think so. Not until I saw her.

She was across the room, dancing with a couple of girlfriends, and for a second I thought it was Buffy, that she'd never really died, that I hadn't seen her body laid out for her funeral, the wounds carefully covered. That I hadn't wept at her grave, as I'd never wept at anything. It wasn't her, of course. But God, it looked like her.

It took my breath away, which was possible now that I was human. I looked away quickly, sipped my drink, tried to pretend that nothing had happened. That my soul wasn't across the room dancing. Only she couldn't be, because the woman I was thinking of was dead.

And then she appeared next to me. "Coke please," she said, sitting on the stool beside me. Even her voice sounded the same. I tried very hard not to stare, but my eyes wouldn't move away. Her features were the same, or nearly so.her hair the same golden blond, her eyes shining blue-green in the dim light, her funny nose and pointed chin. She got her drink, and I thought she would stand up and walk away, but she didn't. She just sat there, twirling a little on her stool. I fixed my eyes on my gin and tonic and made myself not look.

"You're new, aren't you?" her voice said, and it took me a minute to realize she was talking to me. I think I was afraid to believe it might be so.

"Excuse me?" I breathed, finally looking up. She was watching me, her head cocked slightly.

"You've never been here before. My father owns the place.I come here all the time. You've never been here before."

"No," I agreed, "A.friend recommended it to me. I was taking a walk, and thought I'd come in."

"What do you think?" she asked, a hand sweeping out to indicate the whole place.

"It's very nice." Her father owned it. She came here all the time. Was this why Alex had sent me? And what had she known about it? Who was this girl that looked just like my dead lover?

"Think you'll come back?" she asked.

Before I could stop myself I murmured, "I don't know. It depends."

"On what?"

On you, I thought, but of course I couldn't say it. She had no idea. She was just a teenager, a normal human teenager. And I was a human college student. Sort of. I shrugged instead, and turned my drink absently. She seemed to take that as an answer.

"I'm Elyssa," she introduced herself, and my breath caught a little.

"Angel," I said, taking her outstretched hand. It was like touching fire. Like touching Buffy. She obviously felt it too, because her eyes widened and she drew her hand back slowly.

"That's an unusual name," she commented.

"I know."

"Don't talk much huh?"

"Not as a general rule."

She flashed me a bright smile. "That's all right, I probably talk enough for two. Babble is my middle name. Well, Anne actually but.I'll just shut up now. If I'd known I was going to go on this long I would have brought water." She paused and looked down at the drink in her hand. "Uh.guess I did, huh? This is really not my night.um, I'll just be going now before my foot gets permanently stuck in my mouth."

"It's fine," I told her quickly, shaking my head. More than fine. Spectacular. I didn't know why, but for the first time since I'd become human I felt.hope. Like it might be a good thing.

"You should come back," she said as she slipped off her stool and started back into the crowd. I stared after her for a moment, and then turned back to look at my drink.

"Maybe I will," I whispered. And of course I did. Back and back and back, more times than I can count.

*

I didn't know how to find Alex, or detailed information on what happens to Slayers after they die. There's not a lot of records about things like that. The Oracles, of course, were gone. I began researching other ways to contact the PTB. I had to know.what Elyssa was, who she was.If she was mine.

I went back to Adia the next week. Elyssa came and talked to me. She was eighteen, starting at UCLA. Her father wanted her to take over his business, her mother wanted her to be a doctor. She didn't know what she wanted to be. Mostly she wanted to be free, and young, and she was. She was everything Buffy never had the chance to be.

I was cryptic, because I was afraid if I started to talk to her I wouldn't be able to stop. She thought I didn't like her, which was farther from the truth than it was possible to be. I kept researching, and kept going to the club. And she kept coming to talk to me.

One night when I came home there was someone in my apartment. I didn't have my vampire sense, true, but I was still relatively aware of my surroundings. I picked up the heavy bat I kept by my front door and crept around the corner, bat raised to strike.

It was Doyle. I was seeing dead people everywhere.

"What.you." I stammered.

"Hey Angel," he greeted me with a smile. "They're still keepin' me on the time clock. Terrible isn't it? A bloke can't get no peace what with a war to fight and all."

"You're a ghost?"

"Pretty much yeah. They don't like to call you that, y' know.I don't go around hauntin' people or anything. Though I thought I'd pop in on 'Delia since I'm in town."

"Are you.?"

"Okay? Hell, I'm dead. But it's not so bad. You get used to it after a while. And no more visions, so that's a plus."

"Why are you here?" I asked, suddenly afraid. Was it not over? Part of me wanted there to be a mission, something that I needed to do. It was strange being normal. Strange not fighting, not helping. I still did help, in the ways that I could. But it wasn't the same.

"Oh, it's nothin' bad. I have some good news for ya actually. The Powers noticed you've been diggin' around a fair bit, and they sent me down to answer your question. So go ahead, ask."

I didn't want to ask. What if it wasn't true? What if it was? But I had to. He was standing there, my friend, my ally.dead. And I was alive. And what had I done to deserve it that he hadn't?

"Is Elyssa Buffy reincarnated?" I asked finally.

"Aye," Doyle said gently, and my world flipped around. "She does'n know it 'o course. As far as she knows, she's just a normal human girl. And she is. See, Slayers, when they serve their duty well, always get a second chance. The day they die, their soul get s a new body, a new life. But this one's guaranteed to have nothing to do with demons or death. The Powers can't guarantee that it'll be perfect or happy, but it's the chance every other girl gets. Slayer's get it too. And this is her chance."

"And mine," I whispered.

When Alex told me I'd been redeemed for twenty one years, I didn't want to live. I'd had a chance to be with Buffy, if only for a little while, and I'd lost it. Lost her. But I didn't really; and maybe it would even be better this way. Maybe we'd have more years now, and now shadows of demons, vampires, death. Maybe this would be a real life.

"And yours. But you don't get to forget. You get to carry the burden of all those years around with you. She doesn't."

"I understand," I said. I wasn't to tell her. This was her second chance, and she must have it fully. But did that mean that nothing was to be repeated? That I couldn't.

"You're allowed to see her," Doyle said, before I could voice the thought. "The Powers won't be denying the two of you. I don't think they could."

"Thank you," I whispered. Doyle grinned at me, a little bittersweet but still a smile.

"How's Cordelia?" he asked.

"She's doing well," I replied gently. "She hasn't changed."

"Good," Doyle said, a small, sad smile creasing his face. "She was perfect just the way she was. Tell her I miss her."

"I will."

"Goodbye Angel."

"Wait!" I cried, but he was fading away before my eyes. "Goodbye."

And then Doyle was gone, but an entire new world was there instead.

*

I went to Adia that night, but she wasn't there. I saw some of her friends talking and dancing, so she had to be all right. Only.she wasn't there.

I went back the next night.

And the night after that.

On the third night she came, sparkling in a dark red dress, her hair loose about her shoulders. I couldn't wait for her to come talk to me; the moment she was alone, I went over to her.

"Angel!" she exclaimed happily, smiling up at me. There was weariness in her eyes and I ached for her, a sudden worry lodging in my heart-what if she wasn't all right? What if the vampires had discovered her past life, or she'd been called again or.Or. Or. Or. "I do believe this is the first time you've actually come to speak to me. Is this the beginning of a new trend, or just a wacky spur-of-the-moment deal?"

"I don't know, I'm considering."

"Oh, in that case." She smiled up at me, looking exactly the same as she always had. "Okay, I have to know. What's the sitch? Did someone die? There's gotta be something monumental going on here. You just said five words to me. This has got to be a record."

"Are you okay?" I asked, unable to help myself. She blinked, startled, the teasing falling abruptly out of her eyes.

"I'm fine," she said far too quickly. There was a pause as the next song started, music pulsing slow and powerful through the club. She sighed. "I'm not really fine. But.you don't want to hear about it."

"I do," I assured her. She gave me a sideways glance and I nearly lost it. It was all I could do to keep from gathering her into my arms right that moment. I hadn't felt like this since.well, before I knew about the curse. When we thought the only obstacle was ourselves.

Elyssa sighed. "It's just this guy."

Guy? There was a guy?

".I thought he was the one, you know?"

"And?" I prompted. 'Thought' was a good verb. "the one" was a very bad noun though.

She glanced up at me through her lashes with a tiny smile. "He wasn't. Which I actually figured out several weeks about, and we broke up.but it's finally beginning to hit me. I mean, not that I need to find my soul mate by eighteen, but it might be nice to meet a guy that made me feel." She trailed off as our eyes met. All the same old feelings rushed up, mixed with new ones; love, admiration, tenderness, as if I could protect her from the world, or at least try. Hope.

A new song started; an old song, a cover.

//Find me here, and speak to me
I want to feel you, I need to hear you
You are the light that's leading me
Into the place where I find peace again//

"Made you feel.?" I prompted after a very long moment in which I'd forgotten she was talking.

"Oh, I'm sorry, was I saying something?"Elyssa asked softly, her gaze soft. The words hit my soul. I was supposed to kiss her now.no, I was supposed to have kissed her before that. She was talking about her dream, about Drusilla.and oh god, what happened after that.

No. This was a new life. A new chance. And the woman gazing up at me wasn't Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She was Elyssa Mormont, whoever she wanted to be. Herself. My soul mate.

//You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the light into my soul
You are my purpose
You're everything//

"Do you want to dance?" I asked, unable to resist the chance to hold her in my arms.

"I'd love to," she said softly, and put her hand in mine, soft, with the callouses of art and games, not of fighting and deaths. I led her out to the dance floor and took her into my arms, unable to believe that this was true. This was real. After twenty one years.after losing her, and losing myself.

//And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this?//

"Angel?" she asked softly.

"Yes?"

"Do you believe in soul mates?"

"Yes."

"Me too."

//You calm the storms and you give me rest
You hold me in your hands
You won't let me fall
You still my heart and you take my breath away
Would you take me in, take me deeper now//

I stood on that dance floor after heartache, after death, and danced with life again.

//And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this?//

Send feedback to Felicity

Back to the Fanfiction Archive