Part Four

The afternoon is a bit of a blur; no one knew what to do, what to say. What did I remember? What didn't I? If the other Buffy was alive, did she know she was in an alternate dimension? *Was* she? Or was she stuck in the portal? Was she in my dimension, or some entirely different one? Were we the only two that had switched or had every Buffy, in every of an infinite number of universes changed places, suddenly?

What could we say to each other, since I wasn't who they thought I was? Only I was, I was exactly who they thought I was. But they weren't who I thought they were. Or Angel wasn't. Or I wasn't?

We debated about telling Dawn and decided against it. We went over in detail the morning I visited Angel in LA; everything we said, everything we did. Anything that could possibly have made a difference. There was no explanation. In my world, Angel knew what the Mohra was, and knew how to kill it, and did, without hesitation. In their world, he didn't. And where had that difference begun? We would need to ask my Angel, but he wasn't around to answer our questions. No answer there.

More for curiousity than any real need to know, they asked me about my life. I answered them truthfully, and usually the answers were familiar to them. I downplayed Riley's role, which seemed to make sense to them.

"What.what was Riley here? To me? To.to us, I mean?" I asked after I'd avoided talking of the Initiative.

"Riley Finn?" Willow asked, her brow creasing a little.

"Yes." They exchanged curious, slightly confused glances.

"Well, he was a soldier, and our TA, and he found out you were the Slayer. He took you into the Initiative. That was about it.?" There was a question in her voice, and Xander nodded, agreeing with her telling of it.

"He.he stayed with the Initiative?" I asked.

"I think he made it?" Willow questioned, looking to Angel for confirmation.

"I'm pretty sure."

"We didn't really see him after the big blowout," Xander explained. "I think he shipped out with the rest of 'em. Good riddance."

"Yeah," I sighed, not entirely sure what emotions were going through my head. "Good riddance." Riley.I did love him, if not the way I loved Angel, and it was disconcerting to think that in this world we'd never been anything. He was my first.well, not serious boyfriend, because Angel was certainly that.but my first adult relationship. With Angel, there was always a limit, because we couldn't get too close, and we couldn't do normal things like go on picnics or go swimming. At the time, I didn't care, and if he'd stayed, I don't think I would have minded; being with Angel was enough compensation for those things. But it was different, having them.

The thing was, in this world, I *did* have them. With Angel. Angel had been my first serious relationship *and* my first adult one.

The thought was nice. The fact that I didn't remember it was chilling.

"Why?" Willow asked. "What was he to you?"

It took me a minute to realize she meant Riley. We'd been talking about Riley. What was he to me? "Nothing," I lied, looking over at Angel, who didn't need to hear the things inside my head. By the look in his eyes, I could tell that he guessed some of it. Too much, maybe. "I was just wondering."

We lapsed back into not knowing what to say. Every once in a while someone would come up with something they thought might be different, and ask. Or just something they thought would be amusing if it was different. Xander wanted to know if Belgium existed in my world. I rolled my eyes at him. Silly boy.

People drifted in and out of the of the store; it was the first time in days it had been open. Anya left our table and went to take care of customers, showing each and every one her ring. Angel drifted into the training room and eventually I followed, unable to just sit there anymore. My body protested movement, but I stretched gingerly and watched Angel do Tai Chi. He'd stripped to a wife beater and black pants; I nearly drooled at the sight.

And what was wrong with that? Nothing. He was human now. But it wasn't all okay. It wasn't just.I couldn't just slip into this new life. I couldn't just be that Buffy. I didn't know who she was.

After a few minutes I joined him, the routines, un-done for so long, sliding over my body as if I'd just learned them. My eyes closed, but I could sense him, near me and still so far away. I could feel the warmth of his body.such a strange thought. So incongruous with the Angel I know. I wondered if the Buffy of this world was used to it yet. If she still felt delight every time she touched him and found him warm. If she still smiled every time she heard his heart beat. If every breath he took brought her joy.

We moved in sync, dancing without touching, limbs flowing in ancient patterns of soothing, of balance. I didn't feel very balanced, though it helped a little. I doubted anything could make me feel right, like I belonged. I did not belong. This was my room, and yet it was not. This was my life, and yet it was not; it didn't quite fit, like a size 8 shoe when you wear an 8 and a half.

Time fled and found us again when Giles walked in with a phone call from Dawn. She demanded plaintively if I was going to go grocery shopping, because we had nothing to eat. Reality intruded. This might not be my life, but it still held my responsibilities. Angel pulled on his shirt and shoes and we went to bid goodbye everyone.

"Are you alright?" Giles asked, pulling me aside a little.

"Not really. I.I feel lost. You're *you* but.but it's confusing."

"Do you know what you want to do?" he asked.

"What I want to do?" I hadn't thought of it; I'd only just learned the question, I had no idea of the answer.

"If you want to try and go back," Giles answer, his voice a little rough. I blinked. Was it possible? I hadn't let myself ask, because I wasn't sure if I wanted to know the answer. If I left here, would another Buffy, the right Buffy, return? Or would they be left with nothing, no one? Did I want to return to my life, where I was alone, and leave this one, where the love of my life could truly be the love of my life?

"I don't know," I whispered, a thousand questions racing through my mind, and more answers, all the answers, all contradicting each other.

"If you want to try, I.I will help you," he promised, and I put my arms around his neck, because I couldn't help it. Whatever else was different, this was still Giles, my Giles.

"Thank you," I murmured, and kissed his cheek, and slipped away to where everyone else was waiting. I said goodbye, and promised to call them if anything else odd happened, and Angel and I walked out of the magic shop, into the sunlight, to his car.

Angel in the sunlight. Could I give that up? Did I even have the choice?

*

It was almost surreal grocery shopping with Angel. Not that everything else had been normal but.But this *was* normal. Really, scarily normal. Besides the very weirdness of *grocery shopping* with *Angel* there was the fact that he knew everything I planned to buy. He knew what cereal Dawn liked. He knew what brand of milk we always bought, and that I liked sharp cheddar and that Dawn would only eat a certain kind of bread with her sandwiches.

As we were checking out, I got up the courage to ask if he lived with us.

"I, um." He gave me a blank look, almost as if the normalcy of the shopping trip had made him forget how very un-normal things were. For me, it had only emphasized it. "Not exactly. I have my own apartment. I've, uh, been staying at the house though, since."

"Mom got sick?" I guessed. He nodded and I offered him a small, grateful smile, even though I remembered nothing to be grateful for. In my world, I'd been alone when Mom got sick, alone, frightened.Riley had been there for me, but I hadn't been there for him, or something. When Mom was sick I needed to be strong, all the time, for everyone except myself. Even for Riley. Because if for one moment I wasn't strong, I wasn't together.it was all over. It was only alone I could cry.

Had I cried with Angel? I wondered, and realized I'd left my wallet at home. Angel paid for the groceries with a credit card. He had a credit card. An.identity. A life.

"If you'd rather I didn't stay.I can move my things back to the apartment." Angel offered awkwardly as we walked to the car. There was that tone again, pained, worried. He wanted to make me comfortable, make me happy but.but how could I be comfortable here? It wasn't my life. It wasn't even my goddamned *world*!

Could I go back? Was it an option? Was it my only option?

"I.I don't know," I stammered. "It's.strange. I don't want you sleeping in a chair anymore." Angel's free hand - his other was holding a grocery bag - strayed to his neck, massaging it involuntarily. He offered me a half-grin.

"I'd have to second that motion."

"You could.well, we still have an extra bed," I offered. We'd packed up most of Mom's stuff, so her room was pretty bare, but we hadn't taken the bed out. At least, in my world we hadn't. "It might be nice to have you nearby."

"Sure," he agreed quietly, and I had no idea what it cost him to say that, no idea what he was feeling at that moment. Did he wish I hadn't come at all? Would it have been easier had I - she - just been gone, dead? It would have been over then.none of this uncertainty.

I set down my bag in the back seat of Angel's convertible, and looked up to meet his eyes. He was watching me with such.such brilliance in his eyes. Such love.

It wouldn't have been better. Perhaps it would not have been worse, but it wouldn't have been better.

*

When we arrived back at my house Angel put away the groceries, with Dawn's help, while I watched from the counter.

"After all," I claimed, "I did just risk life and limb to save the world."

Dawn rolled her eyes at me. "She always says that when she wants to get out of chores."

After the perishables were properly stored, Angel made dinner. I watched with amazement as he turned out a lovely *and* delicious chicken stir-fry in a half hour. My life sure was tastier in this world anyway.

I tried not to think about anything. If I just thought about the moment, lived in the moment, I wouldn't have to remember that I didn't belong there. I wouldn't have to consider what what happening in *my* world at that moment. Wouldn't have to think about the thousands of other nights Angel must have cooked for us, judging by Dawn's teasing.

After dinner I escaped to my room, that wasn't quite my room, and turned it upside down. That's not quite true; I kept things relatively ordered. But I looked at everything. I examined every picture, every piece of clothing - and dear god, I had some interesting lingerie, not to mention unfamiliar shoes and a new dress - I dug out my diary and was too frightened to read it. It looked the same on the outside. Opening it to find different words written there, thoughts that I had never had.it was too much. I hid it again, and promised I would read it someday if.if it came to that.

If I stayed here.

I catalogued it all in my mind: this was the same, this was different. My life had been affected in these ways. It didn't help. At the end, when I had a mental list of every single thing in my room that was different than it had been before, there was still the rest of the world to go. There was still Angel.

Dawn came up and informed me they were going to watch a movie, and I better get my butt downstairs if I wanted any popcorn. I didn't, but I also didn't want her to worry, so I went down and sat in a chair - Angel was on the couch, I didn't want Dawn to see us being awkward - and ate all the popcorn I could stuff into my mouth, and watched the movie. It was distracting, for a moment here or there. I watched Dawn and Angel out of the corner of my eye; they were affectionate, teasing, different than I'd ever seen Angel act before.

If I left, and there was no other Buffy to take my place, would he take care of her for me? Could I leave Dawn alone?

Was Dawn - my Dawn - alone?

Was there an answer out there to any of my questions? Was there a right thing for me to do? Was there a reason for any of this? Was this just another test, and if so, of what? What decision was I supposed to make? Who was I supposed to hurt? Angel? Dawn? Myself?

Was someone crying for me, in any of the untold number of worlds out there? Was anyone crying?

Part Five

In the end, Angel went back to his apartment. "Dawn'll be curious if I sleep in.in the spare room," he said, avoiding calling it my mother's room. We were in the kitchen, murmuring in hushed voices, while Dawn channel surfed in the living room. I nodded, wondering if he was making excuses because he needed to be away from me, from this.whatever it was.or if he was really worried Dawn would notice. Either excuse was valid.

"I don't want to alarm her," I agreed. He nodded again, as if we were still agreeing, as if his mind hadn't already been made up. Perhaps we were reassuring each other, just needing to say again and again that it was alright. It was okay. Everything was okay.

It wasn't okay. If Angel had been staying here for months.well, this had to be like his home now, even if he still kept a separate place. How must he feel, not quite welcome at his own home? But it wasn't his, it was *mine*.and his, and.

"Okay," Angel agreed, and took my hand, lightly, as if afraid it would bother me. It did, a little, but not because it felt wrong - because it felt right. I let him draw me out into the living room. We stopped behind the couch and he rested a hand on Dawn's head.

"I'm gonna go home for the night. Try and get some actual sleep," he said, his voice light, teasing, as if he was merely a normal boyfriend trying to get away from his sex-craved girlfriend. Dawn laughed and turned to look up at us.

"God, Buffy, give the poor boy a rest!"

"That's what I'm doing!" I protested, then pulled him toward the door before we could get into a real discussion about it, through which I was entirely sure I could not last.

Dawn was still watching us, so Angel wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me close. I slipped my arms around his neck, trying to look natural. I think it worked - I felt natural, like this was exactly where I was meant to, and completely wrong at the same time, because in Angel's memory I had been there a thousand times. How many times had he bent his head in just this way, his lips close to my ear, his breath stirring my hair?

"Sorry," he murmured, and my throat went dry. I couldn't even tell him that there was no need to be sorry. I couldn't offer him comfort, or solace; this was his life, and I was not a part of it. I merely turned my face toward him, because it seemed like the normal thing to do and our lips connected for a second, the merest brush. Even that left me tingling, breathless.

Did his kisses still leave the other me breathless?

He pulled away, smiling for Dawn's benefit. His eyes were dying, doubtless for mine. I handed him his coat and watched him walk out into the night, alone. Did he cry now that he was human? I wasn't sure I wanted to know.

I summoned a smile of my own and closed the door behind him, turning back to Dawn. She was watching me with an odd look. "Is Angel going to start packing up his stuff tomorrow?"

"What?" I asked, unable to control myself in my surprise. Was he leaving? Because of me, because I wasn't.Dawn gave me a "duh" look.

"So he can move it in?"

Breath left me again, but differently this time. I fumbled for a smile, an expression, anything to stop her from looking at me like that. "I-I don't know. We haven't really discussed, um, particulars yet."

She seemed vaguely satisfied with that and slumped back on the couch, continuing her clicking through the channels.

Angel was supposed to be moving in? Permanently? What if he'd already given notice on his apartment? What was I going to do, tell him he couldn't come? Would he still want to? It was so.so strange between us, I didn't know if he'd be comfortable in the house anymore. What were we going to tell Dawn? We'd broken up? But what if I did want a relationship with Angel? I still loved him, I'd never stopped loving him.but every time I was near him, I could only imagine the thousands more times he'd been near me.

I jerked my mind back to Dawn, to the moment. Exist in the moment. Don't think about it.

"I'll call the school tomorrow. There's another week left of regular school, isn't there?"

"Yeah." Dawn admitted grudgingly. I sighed and perched on the back of the couch, one hand reaching down to stroke her hair.

"I'll see if you can just do make-up work, but you might need to.well, summer school's an option."

"Ooh. Fun."

"Dawn."

"I know, I know." She turned the TV off and gazed up at me. "It's okay, Buffy. I'll do whatever I need to. I don't want them to.They won't bother us, will they? Just cause I missed more school?"

God, I hoped not.

"I'm going to talk to the school therapist. If they'll say you were depressed and incapable of going to classes, they might let us be. And if you start doing your work again."

"I will, I promise. It's almost." Dawn's mouth quirked into a smile. "It'll almost be nice to have work to do again. Like.normal stuff. Human stuff."

"Yeah," I sighed in agreement, remembering how good it felt to go back to school my senior year, after my summer away, after Angel and Mom and Principal Snyder.There was a thought, maybe I could take some summer classes, if Dawn was in summer school. Just one or two, do a little catching up.

Of course, that was assuming I was staying here. I shivered, my hand leaving Dawn's hair and my arms wrapping around my torso. Staying here. Where I wasn't.wasn't theirs. But if 'theirs' was dead, I was all they had.And what about mine? My Dawn? My Willow and Giles? Did they have anyone?

Could I go? Should I stay?

"Let's go to bed," I said suddenly. "It's late."

"Not *that* late," Dawn replied, but got up anyway, grudgingly, and let me push her up the stairs, turning out lights as we went. She complained that she wasn't tired, that she'd never be able to sleep, but she did, within moments, and it was I that was left lying awake, wondering where Angel was, what memories he was reliving that I would never live at all.

*

The phone woke me up the next morning. I threw a quick glance at the clock as I fumbled for the receiver - 10:24, I'd slept in. Probably due to the fact that I'd only actually *slept* since three or four in the morning. "Hello?"

"Did I wake you up?" Willow asked.

"Uh-uh," I lied, laying back on my pillows. "What's up?"

"I was just.um, wondering how things were going. How you're doing."

"Oh." I considered the question and answered truthfully after a moment. "Not great."

"Is it.is it really strange?"

"It's pretty freaksome," I sighed. Were there differences in Willow? None that I had seen but.but there must be some. Angel being human had to have affected her in some way. Had to have affected all of them.

"I bet. Is Angel there?"

"No, he went home." There was a slight pause on the other side of the phone, and then Willow made a registering noise.

"Oh, his apartment."

"Right. His apartment."

"Did he seem.how did he seem?" Willow asked timidly. I shook my head, remembered she couldn't see it, and searched for words.

"I think it's pretty hard on him. He's the thing that I really don't.that's mostly different."

"Yeah, and you guys had so much.it must be." Willow trailed off, apparently afraid of disturbing me or hurting my feelings or something. They must be wondering who I was, even more than I wondered about them. Well, maybe not more. At least as much. They had to wonder how different things were in my world: if we'd had more fights, if we'd done this thing, or that. And the truth was, I had no idea. I didn't know how different they were. How different I was.

"I have to take Dawn in to school, and talk to the principal but, um, after that, do you think maybe we could do something?" I asked. "Just the two of us? I'd really like to just.just see you." To know. I had to know.

"Of course!" Willow exclaimed. "I don't have any more classes today. Why don't you call when you're done and we'll meet at the Espresso Pump for mochas?" Thank god, not everything had changed.

"That sounds perfect," I replied sincerely. "I'll see you there."

"Yeah." Willow sounded worried, like she wasn't quite sure she should hang up, but she did finally, after saying goodbye. I hung up too and slid out of bed. Dawn was downstairs in her pajamas and robe, eating cereal.

"If Angel was here he'd make me eggs," she accused teasingly. I managed a vague smile and pretended I had something in my eye.

*

The meeting with the principal was fairly promising, and I dropped Dawn off at the Magic Box afterwards while I went to meet Willow. Angel hadn't called. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Probably both.

Willow was waiting with mochas in hand when I arrived. I took mine happily and sat opposite her, studying her face closely. I guess I was looking for differences; there weren't any that I could see. She watched me the same way. Would she say the same, if asked?

"So, how'd the meeting go?" she asked.

"Pretty good. They're going to give Dawn some tests. If she passes, no summer school. She's going to be a study maniac for the next two days, lemme tell you." Willow's mouth curved upwards.

"Poor Dawnie."

"And no Will to tutor her either!" I reminded Willow. She grinned back at me. At least those memories were safe.Right? It seemed like everything fit until Angel became human but.but what if it didn't? There could be other things, little things.I was becoming paranoid. Not without reason, but still.paranoid.

"What are you going to do, now that.now that things have calmed down?" Willow asked. I shrugged, trying to be nonchalant. Trying not to address the fact that however close it was, this was not my life to resume as normal.

"I was thinking maybe I could take some summer classes. I never thought I'd say this, but.thank *god* for the Watcher's Council. Without their salary, I don't know what I'd do."

Willow gave me an odd look, and the covered it a moment later. Too late. "What?" I asked, not sure I wanted to know.

"Nothing."

"Willow, tell me!"

"Well it's just that.well, Angel.You know he's running the gallery, right?"

"Yes."

"Well he's kinda been.supporting you guys.not that you couldn't get money from the Council. They're scared of you now! But.well, you didn't see the need." There was an appealing tone to her voice, almost as if I really tried, I could remember the things she remembered. I couldn't.

"So I'm dependent on Angel?" I asked, trying not to sound freaked out.

"Well, not exactly.you have all your mom's savings.and you *could* get money from the Council, I'm sure you could. Plus the gallery.well Angel doesn't own it, he just runs it, so the money is really yours and Dawn's."

I silenced her with a wave of my hand. "It's okay Will. No need to babble. Just.just an adjustment."

She didn't relax, though she did stop talking. "Have you talked to Angel?" I shook my head. Her mouth formed a silent "O" and I formed a guess.

"You have?" She nodded reluctantly. "How is he?"

"He's not doing great either. He's, um.over at Xander's I think."

Over at *Xander's*? My mind boggled. "They're friends?"

"Now they are.they, well, there was animosity. But Angel takes care of you, and Xander appreciates that.Appreciated." Willow floundered some more and I cut her off again, offering a small smile.

"Well, that's good to know. I wasn't looking forward to them being at each other's throats."

"Not much."

So Angel was with Xander. Supposedly *my* next best friend. If I'd asked Xander to come meet me instead of Willow, would he have? Were he and Angel now closer than me and him? Had they guy-bonded or something? And Angel had spoken to Willow, that meant they were pretty good friends too. So they were different. Dawn, too. And my life. My income.

Angel wasn't just my boyfriend in this world. He was my *life*. Every part of my life here seemed tied up in him. It was a frightening thought; and an amazing one. I'd never had a relationship like that, because I'd always been afraid to. Afraid of getting hurt, or of waking up one morning to find that I didn't want that person to be in every part of my life, and having to go through the painful process of extricating them from it, or it from them. But I'd obviously been willing and happy to have Angel around; I hadn't been afraid of getting hurt, and I hadn't worried about wanting out. I had *wanted* this. And I didn't remember it. Not any of it.

In my world, I was the single constant in my life; myself, my own strength, holding things together. Here, it was a partnership with a man I loved and hardly knew anymore. A man that knew and loved a different version of me.

How could I stay here, knowing all this? How could I go back to a place where I was alone?

Part Six

The Magic Box was full when Willow and I arrived. Xander and Angel had too, and Xander was chatting easily with Dawn while Angel and Giles had a more serious conversation in a corner. By the abrupt halt the conversation came to when I entered, I figured it had been about me.

"Hi guys," I greeted them cheerfully, for Dawn's benefit, then fixed an eye on my little sister. "Ready to hit the books?"

"Tie me back," she muttered.

"Now, now, sarcasm is unbecoming." She rolled her eyes at me but gathered her stuff from the table and headed toward the door.

"Mind if I tag along?" Angel asked. I gave him a startled look, then hid it quickly.

"Like we could keep you away," Dawn sighed. I gave her a significant look and she started marching while I gestured Angel onward. It wasn't like I could turn him away, not with Dawn there watching. Expecting us to act the way we usually acted. Usually. In this dimension.

"Training?" I asked Giles as I headed back towards the door.

"Why don't we take a bit of a break?" he suggested. "I believe we could all use it."

"Not gonna argue with that one," I said, though a little bit of me wanted to get right back to work. Give me something to take my mind off.off everything else. Something normal, that I knew how to do, that was almost sure to be the same in any dimension. Almost.

Angel took Dawn's books as we walked off, and invited her to ride in his convertible, instead of Mom's jeep. I still thought of it as that, even though she hadn't driven it in forever. Even though she'd never drive it again. Dawn smirked at me, as if we were part of some contest over who Angel liked better. At the moment, I wondered. His Buffy would win, hands down.but me? Did he even know me?

I shrugged and climbed into my car, while they climbed into his. We (sort of) raced back to the house, and I won. I think maybe Angel let me. I couldn't help smiling at that thought; he caught the look and grinned back. I liked Angel's grin, I hadn't seen it for a very long time.

I ordered Dawn to her books the minute we entered the house. She started whining. I pointed. "Dawn. Upstairs. Now." She went. There were some good points to authority after all.Like getting Angel all to myself.

Had I just thought that? I had. I just thought that. I tried to hide my sudden confusion, walking into the kitchen. "You hungry?" I asked as he followed.

"I ate at Xander's."

"Oh. How is Xander?"

"He's fine."

I decided not to mention the fact I'd expected him and Xander to be at each other's throats. No need to emphasize the differences. Unless there was a need? But if I was stuck there.But what if I wasn't?

"I'm, uh, I'm sorry Angel," I said faintly, turning to look at him finally. "I'm not exactly closer to an answer."

"Me neither," he admitted, watching me with those dark eyes. "I just didn't want to keep not talking. I was afraid if I stayed away too long, I wouldn't be able to come back."

I shook my head at him. Silly man. He was now, wasn't he? Not a vampire. A man. "Angel, in my world you've been gone a lot longer than that. And you can always come back."

He didn't quite know how to take that; be glad that I'd as much as said I still loved him, or depressed at the reminder of our differences? I wasn't quite sure how to take it myself.

"I don't know how to fix this," Angel said softly.

"I don't know if we can," I replied. "I mean.if I stay, we'll just have to get used to the fact that I'm not.that I don't have.Can you get used to that? Can I? But what other options do we have, really? What else can we do.?"

"That's the question."

I was being honest, and since I was on a role with it, I decided to keep being honest, no matter how stupid of an idea it was. "What if I try and find a way to get back to my dimension? What if I do? Is your Buffy there? Can I just send her home and everything will be okay? But what if I go back and something else happened there.Dawn died, or someone else I love? And you're not there, not alive, and I'd have to live every day of my life knowing I had the chance to be with you and I didn't take it."

"What if I let you leave, and she isn't there? You aren't there?" he asked, a little hoarsely. "Can I live with you gone, altogether?"

"Can you live with pieces of me gone, chunks of memory you have that I don't?" I countered.

"It's still you."

I didn't know what to say to that. Was it still me? Was I the same person he loved? I had been once.He had loved me then, and he still loved me now, the person he was in my dimension, but that was different from the one in this dimension. This one had become human, had grown and evolved. That one had stayed the same, loved the same me. Were we really the same person, still? Could he love us both? Did he? But there was no *both*.it wasn't like we were twins, an accident where a man fell in love with one sister and thought that meant he loved the other one too. We were Buffy Summers. In different lives. What did that mean?

Who was I?

I faltered slightly, my grip on the counter - and reality - thinning a little as questions spun through my mind. He was there in a moment, grabbing me, holding me up. The warmth of his arm around my waist melted into my insides, and I could feel the heat of his body just behind me, supportive and solid. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I am Buffy Summers. I am Buffy Summers. I am Buffy Summers.

And it still didn't answer any of my questions.

*

Angel and I became intellectual partners. We talked philosophy and psychology into the night. We got books out of the library psychoanalyzing the effects of outside factors on a person's mental development, their personality, the elusive *self*. We locked ourselves in my room and pored over these tomes for hours, giving Dawn excuses to moan and call us nymphos.

We found nothing that helped. For all the good it did us, we found nothing at all. At least it got us over the first awkward hump.a little. We were so busy trying to figure out who the hell I was that we forgot to question every movement, every touch.When I got dizzy, my mind going in circles around the question of my own identity, he was always there to catch me before I fell. I tried not to wonder if the other me had ever had dizzy spells, or if he had ever had to catch her.

Dawn took her tests and got back into school. I didn't enroll in any summer classes; I wasn't sure if I was going to stay. I wasn't sure where I would go if I didn't. Angel took time from our studying to run the gallery. I ran the household, and started training again, and hunted increasingly scarce vampires.

Cordelia and Angel's friend Doyle, I found out, had started their own private investigation firm in LA. Wesley had joined them, and a young man named Gunn. Things had a way of working out the way they were supposed to, I remarked when I heard, and then glanced at Angel. He looked the other way.

The thing was, this wasn't how it was supposed to be. To them it was. They thought this was the normal way, the way the world worked. But to me, it wasn't. Even though I hated it, I suppose I'd always believed in fate, or destiny or.or something. If a thing was meant to be, it would happen. And as much as I craved Angel's humanity, as much as I loved to watch him in the sun, and as much as I fantasized about what it would be like to touch his skin and feel it warm.it wasn't *right*. My destiny was something different from this. How could I just accept this reality? It wasn't my reality.

And yet it seemed like my dimension. The differences were basically picked out within the first three or four days. Angel, obviously. The little things with my friends. My income (or lack thereof). The quality of our meals. The clothes in my closet. Most of my life was the same. Most of the people in it were uneffected by Angel's presence there. I wondered, sometimes, how Riley had turned out, and finally decided he was probably better off without me anyway. I don't think I drove him to those vampires, but he'd still gone in my dimension, and in this world he probably hadn't. He was doubtless happier, with fewer memories to banish to a closet.

Spike.now there was an interesting change. Or.not change. Spike was still in love with me, but he was rarely to be found outside my house anymore, lurking in the shadows. I went looking for him, finally, to see if there were differences and to thank him for his help. He looked me up and down and announced, "You're different."

"I am," I agreed.

"Angel treating you well?" There was an undercurrent of menace in his tone, a quality of threat I hadn't heard from anyone in a long time.

"Very."

"Let me know, then love, if he.isn't." Spike's eyes shot up and caught mine for a moment, all bright blue, and then he looked away.

"I will," I promised, and paused. "Thank you. Not for that. I can.I can take care of myself. For.everything else."

His eyes lifted again, brighter this time. "Welcome." I nodded at him, and turned to leave. I thought I saw a shadow as I passed through the graveyard. Angel, watching me? I didn't call out to him. Let him watch.

We rarely touched, Angel and I. I think we were both afraid of what would happen if we did. We wouldn't be able to stop. I think he knew that from experience, I from intuition, but it was an unspoken truth between us. Also there was a question; if there was another me, would it be cheating for him to touch the me that was there? It made my head spin just to think about it. We never attempted to answer it. We never even said it out loud.

I became accustomed to the differences. He stopped asking me what I remembered; I stopped asking him what I didn't. We talked about the present, not the past. Nor the future. He slept on the floor, so Dawn wouldn't know what was going on. I hated doing that to him, but I told myself it was temporary. Until I figured out what was going on. Who I was. Where I was going. Until we could talk in the future tense.

Temporary. But a month passed by. And then another. And summer, which had just begun, was already beginning its end. Fall was coming, with classes to catch up on, a life to begin anew. A life that wasn't mine, and was. Dawn was beginning to notice something was wrong. Everyone was beginning to notice something was wrong.

And then, one morning when I went in for training, Giles looked me in the eye and said, "I found you a way home," and I knew he didn't mean a new car or a new route to walk. What I didn't know was what I was going to do with it.

Go to Part 7