SUMMARY: Buffy muses over her life
SPOILER: IWRY, possible rumours for the rest of S4
DISTRIBUTION: My site - - Anyone else - sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =)
FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P
RATING: TV-PG
DISCLAIMER: Joss owns most of the characters in this story, but we all know he didn't earn them! He's been taking WAY too much Monkey Crack lately. Dufus.
DEDICATION: Garnet, 'cause she's anti-Riley too, and Sandee, 'cause even though she hates Xander, she doesn't hate that I don't hate Xander, and Callie, for posting the song. Expect a C/D fic with it in the near future. DJ Spike is back!!!!

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it\\

Angel made sure I was going to hate him one way or another. I mean, that was what he wanted. He thought that if I could hate him, I could stop loving him and love someone else. I know that he was never in love before me and will never love anyone but me, but he had a very different look at love than how it really is.

When you love someone, you can't breathe. Your entire being aches for him, and you hope and pray that you can have him all to yourself. Angel thought that if I could only hate him, it would replace the love and I wouldn't need him anymore. The thing about love is that it never goes away. Hate, death, distance, nothing can break it. It's the most powerful thing there is, and even the PTB can't change it.

When I left that day in November of 1999, I told myself that I would never look him in the eye again. Having remembered everything he said and everything we'd done, I decided it would be best to make him spend the rest of his long life hurting over me.

Then it hit me. The only thing that could make him more miserable than not having me was knowing I was seeing somebody else. So I started dating Riley. BIG mistake.

You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was\\

Riley was a very strange person from the beginning. Finding out about the Initiative, then that Walsh was his mother, and then that they weren't at all human.....it sorta took its toll. Riley would've been a good boyfriend if he had been normal, which he wasn't. I should've known when he got me Backstreet Boys tickets for my birthday. I did go to the concert with Will though, and they kicked ass. AJ's a hottie.

You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault\\

When I killed Riley, I sort of had a breakdown. I mean, this was Wrong Boy Number Three for me. Five, really. Angel, Angel, Parker, Angel again and then Riley. Giles said I actually slept on his couch for a whole day. I was burned out. When Cordelia called and told me about her visions, she told me about the one she refused to tell Angel about.

"I think it means more coming from you anyway." she said with a slight laugh. Even though it was coming from Cordelia, it was sincere.

So I packed my bags and hurled my ass to LA. You know something? I *love* LA.

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service\\

It took Angel three weeks to admit he sensed that the stupid curse might've been dormant, but he finally did and we had an *amazing* week in Hawaii after he proposed. Everyone is still mad at us for eloping, but I couldn't help it. And I don't regret it, even now.

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience\\

"It's taken us three years to get here and it would be worth it all over again." That's what I said when Angel and I wrote our own wedding vows. I don't think they see that too much in Vegas, but it worked out. Elvis was very, very nice and Marilyn even caught the bouquet when I threw it.

You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long\\

I cannot believe it's taken us so long to have a real house. We were married five years before I was granted Slayer retirement and Angel quit the agency. His investments (thank you Cordelia) paid off tenfold and we now own a beautiful home in the Bay Area. I never thought I'd leave LA, but when Angel and I decided it was time to have children, we knew we didn't want to raise them on a Hellmouth.

Angel has been so cute about decorating and everything. He comes with me to Bed, Bath and Beyond and acts like he's really interested in sheets and stuff but all he ever does is look at the candleholders and say that his favorite color is black.

I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now\\

I can't even put into words what today means to me. It's Valentine's Day, it's our tenth anniversary, and three hours ago, our children were born.

Willow Katherine (I want to call her Kat but Angel's not too sure about that - Kate is clearly out the question) and Aidan Giles. I still cannot believe we had twins, but you know how in vitro is.

Watching Angel hold the babies for the first time was probably the most amazing moment of my whole life. He looked into their tiny eyes and kissed them and you could just feel the three of them bonding.

I still can't believe that we almost gave this up. We almost let ourselves be miserable.

Kat, I know that one day you're going to read these journals, and I want you to know that your father and I will never forgive you if you're as stubborn about the person you love as we were about each other. Unless the person is Dante. Then be as stubborn as you want.

"What are you doing?" Angel asked, coming into my room with the Sprite I wanted.

I closed my journal and tossed it into the bag beside my bed. "Thanks, honey." I took a long sip of the pop and sighed. "I'm just writing down different memories of our lives together. I want everything to be there for Kat in black and white."

"And?" he arched an eyebrow.

"I told her never to be stubborn about love unless the man in question is Dante."

Angel crushed the styrofoam mug of coffee he held, making a mess and causing me to giggle.

"Don't wake them," he gestured to the twins.

"I won't, I promise." I tossed him some Kleenex to take care of the spill. "You don't really think our daughter would fall in love with Spike's son, do you?"

Angel growled. "In the past, yes. I mean, on a Hellmouth, anything is possible. We're in San Francisco now though. I don't see it happening."

"Don't let Spike in the room when he comes by later, okay?" I set my drink down and pulled the covers up. "I'm gonna get some sleep."

"Why can't Spike come in?" Angel asked. "And *why* do I care?"

I smiled. "When I called Spike to let him know the babies were here, he asked if Dante and Kat could be betroven tonight."

Angel morphed into his game face, then back, then left, I'm assuming to go beat up his childe. If only I could watch.

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