SUMMARY: I'd been dying to write this story for like *months* when I finally got around to writing it, and it's been handwritten on my floor for weeks. Enjoy. Oh, the actual summary. Right. Buffy's thoughts as Angel lets her down throughout the year and what she knows she has to do
SPOILER: Slight IWRY and minor minor ANGEL spoilers
DISTRIBUTION: Sandee, of course - My site - - Crystal and Butterfly if they want it - A Soul's Redemption - Anyone else - sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =)
FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P
RATING: TV-PG
DISCLAIMER: Joss the big butthole owns the characters herein. The song is by the Barenaked Ladies. Ain't it perfect??

I think it's getting to the point
Where I can be myself again
It's getting to the point where
We have almost made amends
I think it's the getting to the point
That is the hardest part\\

There is nothing worse than going home after having moved out and winding up all alone. It's even more so when your mother is upstairs cleaning in the midst of your aloneness.

I sighed and was about to leave without saying goodbye when the phone rang.

And if you call
I will answer
And if you fall
I'll pick you up
And if you court
This disaster
I'll point you home
I'll point you home\\

Thanksgiving brought alot of pain this year. No parents, no spirit of togetherness, lots of angry Indians. I ever had a fight with Willow and tolerated Anya.

I wanted to pin my cell phone to my wrist and make him call me.

How could I not?

I mean, last year, we'd killed Kenten demons together before going back to my mom's for dessert. She served us pumpkin pie and never asked about my bruises. And the year before that, when I was trying to hide Angel from everyone, I'd taken the gravy to him and we'd dipped biscuits in it together, talking about my patrol from the previous night. It was really sweet, sprained ankles aside.

Thanksgiving was special for us. I thought for sure I'd hear from him.

And he never called. I heard nothing.

I may be desperate, but at least I'm not stupid. Cordelia told Xander he broke the Gem of Amara. Moron.

I love him, but lately I wanna drive a stake through his heart just to knock some sense into him.

You think I only think about you
When we're both in the same room
I'm only here to witness the remains
Of love exhumed
You think we're here to play
The game of who loves more than whom\\

Angel was so cold when I visited him. So bitter, so unfeeling. Does he want me to hate him? It's starting to work.

Does he want me to forget? Oh, I know that he does, but I....

I know what I said, but I can't.

I just can't forget.

Not ever.

And if you call
I will answer
And if you fall
I'll pick you up
And if you court
This disaster
I'll point you home
I'll point you home\\

Christmas Day.

Nothing merry about it.

Will's Jewish, so her celebrations are of the low-key variety. Mom's still discovering her youth with Aunt Arlene and a set of twins with no last names. I think Harry and Jerry are their first names, but it could be Larry and Garry. Giles is busy with Olivia again and Xander took Anya somewhere "nice and cheap" to teach her the true meaning of Christmas. Call me a cynic, but I've got a good feeling it's a motel with a vibrating bed and an aluminum tree.

They've all got their plans, and then there's me.

Alone.

You think it's only fair
To do what's best for you
And you alone
It's only fair to do the same
To me when you're not home
I think it's time to make this
Something that is
More than only fair\\

Happy 19th birthday, Buffy.

Smile and laugh and open your presents like everything is fine. Be the happy Slayer Buffy your friends want. Dad forgot and Mom sent
200 without a card, but it's okay. I know how much I mean to them.

Yeah, right.

I thought for sure Angel would care. A rose on my pillow, a message on my voice mail.

Something.

Again, I got nothing.

So if you call
I will answer
And if you fall
I'll pick you up
And if you court
This disaster
I'll point you home\\

School's out. Over for me - I dropped out. College isn't for Buffy. Slayers and school do not mix - I should've learned that years ago.

I'm leaving Sunnydale now, and no one seems to care. Giles says he'll watch over things, but it's not a big concern for him. Everyone is too busy basking in a strictly sexual relationship to make time for Buffy.

I'm a little worried about how Angel will react, but he'll just have to deal.

I'm moving in.

But I'm warnin' you
Don't ever do
Those crazy messed up
Things that you do
If you ever do
I promise you
I'll be the first to
Crucify you
Now it's time to prove
That you've come back here
To rebound
Rebound
Rebound\\

I sleep with a stake in my hand and Angel's trying. He has Riley's ashes in his office to remind him that I'm never leaving. So far, so good.

He takes me out every Friday, he gives great post-Slay massages and *always* calls me on my cell phone when I'm out shopping with Cordelia

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