SUMMARY: Angel goes to claim his lover again, and finds that something's changed
RATING: TV-14
SPOILER: Mild S4 & S5 Buffy, plus mild ANGEL. MILD.
DISTRIBUTION: http://planetslaythis.homestead.com & more coming soon. Anyone else, just lmk the URL
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters within, Joss Whedon does. Evil, rotten, misogynistic Joss Whedon does. Ech. Full of Grace is by Sarah McLachlan, my Goddess
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Don't ask, okay? I wrote this ages ago and have been piecing it together forever. 7/7/01

The sun was just setting in Los Angeles. It was the kind of evening where the heat hung in the air, and Cordelia was sitting on her desk, legs crossed, her sundress hitched up as short as she could get away with. She fanned herself dramatically with a stack of unpaid bills and sighed. "I hate summer."

Angel came out of his office with luggage and handed her the key to the office. "I'm going to need you to run things for awhile."

"What? Why? Where are you going?" she put the 'fan' down and glared at him.

Angel looked at her, as if to say, "Where do you think?" "I'm going to Sunnydale, Cordelia."

"You *cannot* leave!" Cordy shouted. You can't. 'Cause I'm having visions, and Wesley's having seizures, and Gunn's having measles, and--"

"Measles?" Angel interrupted.

"He got 'em from a carrying vamp or something," she shrugged. "Angel, the air conditioning is broke. You cannot leave."

"Cordy," he began.

"Listen to me," she was in no mood to take his crap. "I know Buffy's got it rough because Riley's tried to kill her twice now, and then there's the whole Spike/dreams/kissing thing, but you need to be here in LA. *We* need you here in LA."

Angel picked up his luggage again. "If there's *anything* involving Buffy and Spike kissing, they need me way more than you do."

Cordy held off on her smile until Angel shut the door behind him. Then she picked up the phone.

"Casa Harris!" Anya answered happily. "Mrs. Harris speaking."

"He's on his way," Cordy reported.

"I'll tell them."

"MRS. HARRIS?!" Cordy demanded.

"Just something I was trying."

"Don't," Cordy advised and hung up. She smiled proudly and picked up the 'fan' again.

"Mission accomplished."

*****

Angel floored it to Sunnydale, breaking many speed limits and arriving in the heart of town in just over an hour. When he got to Buffy's house, he flew out of the car and pounded on the front door.

"Angel!" Dawn squealed when she opened the door.

"Hello, Dawn," he greeted her.

She beamed. She'd always liked Angel. He was strong and nice and he protected Buffy. "Hi," she gazed at him almost adoringly.

"Can I come in?" Angel asked.

"I wasn't born yesterday, Angel. I don't have to invite you in if I don't want to, and you'll still have permission to enter my house. Buffy wouldn't have it any other way, though she hates to admit it."

"I was just being polite," Angel said quietly.

"Oh. Buffy's not here," Dawn held the door open for him to enter. He didn't.

"Where is she?" Angel asked, a worried look falling over his face.

"She left like an hour ago, mumbling something about Crawford Street."

Angel's eyes widened. "I'll be back."

"Can I at least--" Dawn blinked and Angel was already gone. She frowned. "--take your bag."

*****

Angel could hear the music playing before he even reached the block his old mansion was located on. The lyrics tore at his heart because he knew what they meant to Buffy. She only played this song when she was really hurting.

//The winter here's cold
And bitter
It's chilled us to the bone
We haven't seen the sun for weeks
Too long too far from home
I feel just like I'm sinking
And I claw for solid ground

I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go

If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace
Full of grace
My love

So it's better this way, I said
Having seen this place before
Where everything we said and did
Hurts us all the more
It's just that we stayed, too long
In the same old sickly skin
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go

If all of the strength
And all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace
Full of grace
My love\\

Angel found Buffy curled up on the floor, crying, hugging her knees to her chest. She was sitting in the same place where he'd come back to Earth from Hell.

"I don't need to hear it," was all Buffy said.

Angel knelt beside her and reached up to brush the tears off her cheeks. Buffy scowled and leaned away from his hand.

"Don't touch me." she snapped. It was then that Angel noticed her black eye.

"I'm so sorry, Buffy."

"No, you're not," she stood up and backed away from him. "You're probably loving this. I'll bet you were hoping that this would happen."

"Buffy--"

"What? You wanna say something, say it."

"I'm sorry," Angel said plainly.

"You already said that. Try again."

"All right. I wanna know why you stayed with him so long."

Buffy looked at him as though she were looking right through him. "What?"

"What made you stay with him? What snapped inside your brain that told you this was a normal relationship? I know you didn't love him."

Buffy couldn't argue that point, so she scowled again.

"One hit should've been enough," Angel whispered. "You deserve so much better than that."

"Do I?" Buffy's voice was quiet and the way she looked in the corner of the mansion made her seem so small in Angel's eyes. This little girl trapped inside all the hurt and angst a mansion could hold.

"What do I do that makes me so worthy of anything better?" she sniffled. "I think I stayed with him so long to punish myself."

"What on Earth could you possibly have done to deserve that?" Angel asked incredulously.

"I hurt you, Angel. I was so terrible to you last year."

"It's all right. It doesn't mean anything."

"Yes, it does. It was wrong and I hated myself for it. Had the whole thing with Riley not gone down, I'd probably still be beating myself up over it. I suppose now I have something else to be so angry with myself about."

"Don't do this to yourself, Buffy."

"Why?" she asked. "If I let you comfort me, if I come around and start to move forward, it'll only be a matter of time before you leave again and then you're the reason I'm hurting myself and endangering the people I love again."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Ha!" Buffy laughed. "Never heard that one before. Try again."

Angel sighed. "I don't wanna fight."

"Then why are you here?" Buffy asked.

"Because I worry about you," Angel said simply.

"Huh."

"What?"

She looked at him. "Two hundred and forty some years on Earth, and you still don't know that you aren't supposed to being a sentence with 'because'."

"How are you?" Angel asked.

Buffy looked at him. "You tell me."

"What?"

"Tell me how to feel."

Angel stared at Buffy blankly.

"Go on," she encouraged. "Tell me what to feel. Tell me how to handle losing you again."

"Buff--"

"Shut up!" she screamed. "Shut the FUCK up! Over the past few years, all you've done is tell me how our relationship is gonna be. You tell me to cheer up, not to worry, that you're always gonna be here.

"You tell me that you're my protector, that you worry about me. That you love me."

Buffy's voice was full of ice. "All lies.

"Then you tell me you're gonna leave, you tell me not to cry, not to care that you're helping the bitch who tried to kill me while I'm here struggling! So please! Tell me how to feel about all of this."

Angel sighed. He hated how stubborn she was being. "I guess maybe I shouldn't have come."

"You're right. You shouldn't have."

He turned to leave, and Buffy rushed at him, clutching at him, wrapping her arms tightly around his stomach.

On her knees. Buffy sobbed and begged, "Don't go."

Those two words were enough. "I'm not."

"Ever?"

"Well, I have a lot of stuff back in LA..."

"Angel?" Buffy tightened her grip. He grunted. He'd forgotten just how strong she was.

"All right, I won't leave. You can come with me when I get my stuff."

"You have to promise," Buffy said.

"I promise."

Angel turned around and hugged her the right way. "God, I've missed you."

"Angel?" Buffy asked in a small voice.

"Hmm?"

"Is that my stomach growling, or yours?"

"Mine."

"Wanna go get something to eat?" she asked.

"Where could we get blood and pizza at the same place?" Angel smirked.

"Spike's house?" Buffy suggested.

Angel was so hungry, he gave in. They walked out of the mansion, hand-in-hand, and Buffy sighed contentedly.

"Hey," Angel said, "What's this about kissing dreams?" he asked.

"Not so fast," Buffy said. "What about those Darla dreams? And the drawings?"

"What about them?"

"Nice try," she put her hand in his. "I want details."

"Details?" Angel asked.

"Accurate details."

"I don't know about that."

"If you don't tell me, I won't let you have any blood," Buffy gave him an evil grin.

"You're strict," he commented.

"I know," she smiled. "Get used to it. From now on, our relationship is strictly on *my* terms. You have to move back here, you have to start wearing blue jeans, and you have to stake Darla dead. Again. In FRONT of me."

Angel nodded. "Done."

Buffy smiled. "I knew you'd come around."

"Now, about those dreams," Angel began.

"Don't hold your breath," Buffy smirked at him. "Darla isn't dead yet."

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