SUMMARY: Buffy and Angel write one last letter to each other
SPOILER: The Gift & There's No Place Like Plrtz Glrb
RATING: TV-PG
DISTRIBUTION: http://planetslaythis.homestead.com
DISCLAIMER: Joss owns 'em. I don't. Blah. I don't know who the first song belongs to, but the second one is by Boyzone (awesome group that doesn't exist anymore, I don't think) and the third is by Mariah Carey, my pop Goddess of the day
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I just found the start of this and added my own slightly morbid, slightly sad spin to it. Enjoy.

//Heaven knows the weight of this crime
Is this world spinning round
Has this ship run aground
What's that shape
What's that sound
That's just me falling down\\

Dear Angel,

My life is shifting so much right now. I don't even know what's wrong with me. I'll start at the beginning.

I'm dead.

Morbid I know, but true.

Where I am, there's no paper. There are no pens, and I haven't got a desk to sit at. I haven't even really got a body.

It's all just this.....energy, floating around, and you can tell who is who and what is what, but you can't actually do anything about it.

I'm not making any sense.

It's like....a room full of piles of glitter, and all the glitter is a different color so you can tell who everyone is, but you can't actually touch that glitter because then, you'll be the same, a mixture of two colors instead of two separate colors, and then there's no point.

That doesn't make any more sense than my previous explanation did. That one might even make a kind of sense that's not.

I don't know what I'm saying. Partially because I'm not saying anything. I'm thinking this. Thinking this while staring at a sky that's so incredibly blue, you can't imagine, and relaxing under a sun that won't burn me.

It truly is Heaven, Angel.

And I guess I wonder...a little...why I'm here? I mean, I died. Sort of committed suicide. I expected to be in a hot, hot place, and yet here I am.

Heaven.

My mom is here. I can't....talk to her, but I know she's here. I know that she's safe.

And Dawn....I can sense that she's all right, that she's taken care of. I don't know if she's happy....I know I wouldn't be happy in her situation...but she's okay. She's got Willow and Tara and Xander and Giles to take care of her. She'll be okay.

I miss you, Angel. I miss hearing through Willow or even Dawn that you're okay. I miss hearing that you're killing a Feral demon, or that Cordelia forced you into buying her a new pair of Jimmy Choos. I just miss it all.

But I don't miss the Slaying part of my life. I don't miss having a sister who isn't real, being in a place that's all about hurt and lies. I don't miss having to stand at the grave and think about how my mother isn't with me but down there. Lying in some casket while her soul floats around somewhere that's else.

And I don't miss the fear.

The fear for Dawn's safety, for my friends, for Giles.

For you.

Every day, I risked losing one of them. Now I know they'll be safe. I can rest.

Rest. It's a new concept for me, after all these years. It makes me uncomfortable to think about being here in this state of not doing. I know I'll get used to it. And I know that there is something nice about being able to lie down all day and never worry that someone is going to jump out and kill me or my little sister.

But it's still hard.

And sometimes I think it's wrong.

But I'll adjust. At least, I think I will.

I hope I will.

And Angel....I'll always love you. I know you don't know it, but you were always the one I truly wanted. I'd give anything to be able to tell you that.

Love,
Buffy

*****

//I cried a tear
Oh I did try
I was confused
You cleared my mind
I sold my soul
You bought it back for me
And held the Earth
You gave me dignity
Somehow you needed me\\

Dear Buffy,

I can't breathe. I know that I don't really breathe at all, but at any rate, I can't. I feel all sick and congested and I can't function. I need to focus and sit back and relax.

And I can't.

I can't imagine doing anything in a world without you, Buffy. How am I supposed to get out of bed in the evenings when you're not in Sunnydale, fighting the same fight as I am?

How am I supposed to look at Cordelia and not see you two bickering in my mind?

How can I listen to Wesley's Prophecy of the Day and not remember the way we all worked together at the Ascension?

There's nothing that doesn't make me think of you, Buffy. Nothing that doesn't bring your voice into my head, your skin against mine. Every thought, every movement, it's all you.

And I have to let you go--I know this. I have to kneel down, and cry, and let go.

And I can't.

I can't because if I cry, it's real. If I cry, you're really gone, and you aren't coming back, and I don't think I can handle that.

No, I know I can't handle it.

I can't live in a world that you're not in, Buffy.

You're the reason I started to live in the first place. Wearing clean clothes, washing my hair, setting up a home....I did it all for you. I would've done anything for you.

And I see now that leaving was the stupidest thing I'd ever done, because maybe if I'd never left, you wouldn't have died last night.

You wouldn't have gone up there to save Dawn alone, and you wouldn't have had to die to save her.

Everything would be different if it wasn't for me.

There's a part of me that knows you would still be alive if we had never met, but I'm selfish--I don't want that. I don't wanna go back, don't wanna erase you from my memory.

Our time together was Heaven on Earth. Meeting you was an act of serendipity, in Wesley's words. A fortunate accident. I suppose calling it that is what might help me get through this.

If there's a way to get through this, and I'm not sure there is.

//I won't see your smile
And I won't hear you laugh anymore
Every night
I won't see you walk through that door
'Cause time wasn't on your side
It isn't right
I can't say I love you
It's too late to tell you
But I really need you to know
I'll never forget you
I'll never let you out of my heart
You will always be here with me
I'll hold on to the memories baby
Baby can you hear me
Wherever you may be tonight
Are you near me
I need you to be by my side
'Cause I never said goodbye\\

I know I have to let go, Buffy. I have to make myself get up from your grave and leave. Go home to LA, continue to fight evil, take out Wolfram and Hart, all of that.

And I can't move my feet.

Your headstone is covered with flowers now...roses from Giles, sunflowers from Willow, lillies from Dawn, tulips from Xander. Daisies from Tara, some gray-silverish thing from Spike, carnations from Anya, and the orchids from me.

Every shade of the rainbow, scattered because I wanted something that reminded me of how I knew Buffy in life, not how we feel because of her death.

White and pink and lavender and bright blue and orange, green and fuschia and yellow. Exactly what she would've wanted. Exactly what I want her to have.

The flowers make me wanna cry....they're another sign that you're gone, that something is here because you aren't.

The sun is rising, and I almost stay here.

Almost.

But I don't, because people are counting on me to be there when they need them. Wesley and Cordy and Gunn and now Fred and even Willow and Xander and Giles. They need to know they can call me if they have to. So I have to stay here, for your friends. Because they loved you almost as much as I do.

So I'm saying goodbye, Buffy. Here, with this letter that you'll never read. I'll tell you that I loved you, and I miss you, and I wish I could be with you wherever you are.

Maybe someday, I'll finally be there with you, wherever you are.

Until then--and only until then--goodbye, my love.

Angel

Send feedback to Isa

Back to the Fanfiction Archive