SUMMARY: Angel suffers an amazing loss
RATING: TV-PG ANGSTY AS HELL
SPOILER: Minor everything before S5 Buffy & S2 Angel
DISTRIBUTION: Anyone who wants it. http://planetslaythis.homestead.com
DISCLAIMER: The people you know belong to Joss. The people you don't belong to me. The song belongs to 98Degrees.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I keep editing this fic. I guess I think I can improve it. Maybe I can't.

I tore into the hospital at warped speed, the sun scorching my shoulders and hair as I ran. I must've looked scared to death when I entered that hospital because no one dared stop me.

Buffy was in Giles' arms when I arrived, and she transferred over to me as soon as I walked into the room. She sobbed into my shoulder and said something that I couldn't understand, and yet I knew by the tone of her voice that she was gone.

I was too late.

//She's out of my life
She's out of my life\\

We named her Skylar, 'cause she was born at dawn. She lived with Buffy and I saw her often, though never enough.

She was my everything, and I let her die.

"Angel," Buffy calls me into her room, and I can barely move. I've been staring at her picture on the mantle since we got home. She was so beautiful, so full of life.

It's so unfair.

What does God want with an innocent two year old?

Oh, right. This isn't about her.

It's about me.

"Angel," Buffy says again, and though it seems impossible for me to go into her bedroom, somehow I do.

Buffy's sitting on the floor in the middle of Skylar's room, clutching her favorite bear in one hand and a recent drawing in the other.

"Angel, remember this?" she held it up. "The chicken crossing the road..." she couldn't even finish the sentence. She covered her eyes as she cried, and I knelt beside her, holding her, crying with her, wishing I could make it different somehow.

//I don't know whether to laugh or cry
I don't know whether to live or die
And it cuts like a knife
She's out of my life\\

"I miss her, Angel," she mumbled. "I miss her so much."

"Me too," I say and I stay there, holding her as the tears flow again.

//She's out of my hands
She's out of my hands
To think for two years that she was here
And I took it for granted
I was so cavalier
Now the way that it stands
She's out of my hands\\

The funeral was so...lacking. This is supposed to be celebrating a toddler's life, yet everyone wore black. We played the theme to The Little Mermaid over and over, because Skylar loved it. Somehow, it almost hoped. It was a way to keep the silence not so silent.

Joyce never came. She amazes me that she couldn't find the strength to overcome whatever hate she might feel for me and be there for her daughter. I thought better of her. I shouldn't have.

//So I've learned that love is no possession
And I've learned that love won't wait
Now I've learned love need expression
But I've learned much too late
And she's out of my life
Out of my life
Damned indecision and cursed pride
Kept my love for her locked deep inside
And it cuts like a knife
She's out of my life\\

"Now what?"

I looked Buffy in the eyes and shrugged. What could I do? What was I supposed to say to that?

"Do you wanna stay?" she asked in a small voice.

"Do you want me to?" I countered.

"I just want..." she flew at me and I held her while she cried and screamed and hit me because she was so upset.

"All I want is my baby girl," Buffy said. "That's all I want. Why couldn't I have that? Why is that so bad?"

"It's not bad, Buffy."

"Then why can't I have her back?" she asked in a small voice.

"I don't have an answer for that."

"Why not? You're supposed to know everything."

"She's gone, Buffy." I said firmly. "She's gone from both of us."

"No," she pulled away and glared at me. "No, no, no, no, NO! You are *not* gonna do that to me. You chose to stay in LA. You chose to keep your distance from Skylar and me. You saw her once a week, *DO NOT* tell me you know how I feel! You didn't hold her everyday when she was teething and rock her to sleep every night. You didn't do anything!"

I think her words hurt me more than losing Skylar did, because she was right.

"Maybe, I should just go," I suggested.

Buffy didn't say a word, so I headed for the front door. I had just opened it when she spoke.

"Oh sure!" Buffy said, flailing her arms in the air. "Go ahead! Run away again! It's what you do best."

I slammed the door and walked into the living room where she still stood. "Isn't that what you want?"

"No! God, Angel, what I want--all I've ever wanted--is to be with you. Here, LA, in freakin' Timbuktu, I don't care. I just want you."

The truth stung me, again, like I never could've imagined.

And finally, for the first time since Skylar got sick, I truly, wholeheartedly cried.

//She's out of my life\\

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