SUMMARY: Doyle is still goin' after Queen C
SPOILER: Redefinition
DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =) http://planetangelus.homestead.com is my site
FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P
RATING: TV-14
DISCLAIMER: Angel belongs to Joss. 'My Own Prison' (whose lyrics I moved around a bit) belongs to Creed. 1/17/01

Dear Buffy,

Have I changed?

Everyone seems to think I have. They think I'm different.

I'm not that different, am I?

And so what if I have changed?

Who really cares?

It's not as if it matters to anyone.

Well, except for Darla and Dru, but they're both crazy so they wouldn't be very good judges of character anyway.

And I matter to you.

Or I did matter to you, once.

Not anymore, I know this for a fact.

Dawn writes to me. Tells me about your boyfriends....the gay guy and now the doctor....you haven't got good taste Buffy, I gotta admit. First you date a guy who's into guys, and now you're seeing the brother of the HellGod out to kill your little sister. Nice job.

Sorry. Sorry. I didn't mean to say those things, I just...

I did mean them.

Maybe I have changed.

I took a huge step in getting over Darla today. I burned every drawing I ever made of her. There were at least a hundred of them scattered around here, and now every single one of them is ash.

They were all the same, too.

All full of a life and a depth that Darla doesn't have.

That she's never had.

When I looked at the drawings, I didn't see just see her.

I saw you.

That was a problem for me, mostly because I felt so cheated. And then I realized that I've always been cheated.

I've done it myself, mostly, and now, to get back at the world, I'm cheating everyone else. I'm cheating everyone I love.

Cordy and Wesley and even Gunn. I cheated them out of their jobs and their friend.

And you. I cheated you out of spending your life with the only man you ever loved. The one thing you really need is love, and I cheated you out of that. Possibly forever.

I'm cheating myself out of a life. This hotel is big, and it'll serve as a nice house, but it's not a home. It's not the kind of place where I can close my eyes and picture our kids running around.

It's just a dark place for me to hole up and brood.

Worst of all, I've cheated everyone who died at the hands of Darla and Dru out of a life. I let them live when I could've killed them both. And others died because of that.

I'm a jerk, and that's a kind word.

I was working for redemption before, and I just had to regress. I just had to f**k it up.

I should've known better than to move to LA. To involve myself in a new town. I should've returned to England, or even Prauge....somewhere with a lower profile. Somewhere I could hide.

But hiding is cheating, too. It seems that everything is nowadays.

I could blame all of this on you Buffy, but that would be wrong. I should blame myself and start over.

We all know I'm gonna live forever. May as well do something good with my life.

If I still remember how.

Love,
Angel

//A court is in session
A verdict is in
No appeal on the docket today
Just my own sin
The walls are cold and pale
The cage made of steel
Screams fill the room
Alone I drop and kneel
Silence now the sound
My breath the only motion around
Demons cluttering around
My face showing no emotion
Shackled by my sentence
Expecting no return
Here there is no penance
My skin begins to burn
So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one

I cry out to God
Seeking only his decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I've created my own prison

I hear a thunder in the distance
See a vision of a cross
I feel the pain that was given
On that sad day of loss

A lion roars in the darkness
Only he holds the key
A light to free me from my burden
And grant me life eternally
Should have been dead
On a Sunday morning
Banging my head
No time for mourning
Ain't got no time

I cry out to God
Seeking only his decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I've created my own prison

So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
We're all held captive
Out from the sunA sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one
I cry out to God
Seeking only his decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I've created my own prison\\

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