SUMMARY: More letters between Buffy & Angel
SPOILER: End S1 ANGEL/S4 Buffy. Blah
RATING: TV-14
DISTRIBUTION: http://planetslaythis.homestead.com
DISCLAIMER: Joss owns them. Poop on Joss. Christina Aguilera owns the song
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This story really sucks. I wrote it awhile ago and tried to fix it today. Blah.

//Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day
It's as if I play a part\\

Dear Angel,

These letters used to be amazing.

They were my release, my trip back in time to a place where I was happy, and free.

Then I met Riley, and the world sort of turned upside down. It was like I was in Hell instead of Heaven, and there was no way out.

Everything is got so fucked up.

It's still fucked up.

I'm dying inside, and the problem is that no one notices.

No one ever notices.

To them, I am still Happy, Horny Buffy. Spike said my sluttiness was attactive to everyone. I beat the crap out of him for it, but he's right.

I know he's right.

And I hate him for it.

//Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart\\

I'm so tired of hiding. So tired of being strong for Dawn, and for my mom and for myself. And I'm ready to break down.

I need to break down. If I break down, then I might feel better.

//Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside
I am now
In a world where I
Have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am\\

"Sometimes I feel like the world's loneliest person."

I said that to my reflection today. I was staring at myself, and I said that, and then I started to cry.

I cried because the mirror was surrounded by photos. Pictures of my friends. I have friends. Willow and Giles and Xander and Anya and Tara and even Spike.

This is my family. The people wholove me and care for me and worry about me. All these people and somehow, I still feel alone.

I guess that's because I am alone.

When I think about Riley, I wanna scream. It was such a mistake to even go there. It ruined me, Angel. Made me cold and unloving and the opposite of everything I'm supposed to be. I think dating him is the biggest mistake of my life.

Losing you was the biggest devastation of my life, and when I think of you, I still smile. I can't help but smile, because despite all the anger I have for you leaving me, I love you. You make my heart race, make my blood race.

No one else could ever bring out the emotions in me the way you do. You make me smile, you make me sob, you make me feel. And ten minutes ago, staring at my red eyes and smudged eyeliner and blotchy skin, it hit me.

I've spent a year in limbo, and I've forgotten how to feel.

And now that I've started to feel again, I just wanna cry and never stop. Can you understand that?

And if you can, will you ever do anything about it?

You're the person who makes me the person I wanna be, Angel. So humor me! Read through all my letters and cry and laugh and call me.

Call me and remind me how important love is.

Remind me how to be Buffy.

Please.

Love forever,
Buffy

//Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else
For all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside\\

Dear Buffy,

I cannot believe the pile of letters I have accumulated for you over the past year. I keep looking at them, wondering if I should send them.

Wondering if I should infringe on the life you have no or not.

I know you're not the same person you were when I left—I've changed too.

But my feelings for you aren't going to change. Ever.

I almost lost Cordy tonight. And dealing with that...it's not the easiest thing in the world.

It's one of the hardest things, in fact, because it was because of me.

People went after her because of me.

It's just another flashing red light in my face that everytime I care about someone, I wind up getting them hurt.

I always hurt everyone, which is one of the reasons I wonder if I don't belong alone for the rest of my existence.

Cordelia says that her still being here is a reflection of my strength. She says I've saved her more times than she can count—that that's who I am. Her hero.

But I'm nobody's hero, least of all hers.

I'm just me, Angel, the vampire with a soul.

The soul doesn't change what I am, or what I did.

It doesn't change that I miss you, or that I can't have you, or make the truth hurt any less.

//There's a heart that must be free to fly
That burns with a need to know the reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide
I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else
For all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside\\

I have to let go, Buffy. I have to let you go and move forward with my life.

I have to let you go so you can move forward with mine.

When I saw you a few months ago, I saw the pain in your eyes, the jealousy. I saw the way you never stopped loving me, and I instantly hated myself all over again for holding you back.

I love you, Buffy. I love you so much, and I wish that things could be different.

But they can't.

You need to be the hero of Sunnydale, and I'll be the hero of Los Angeles. We'll fight the same fight, separately, and try to move on.

I pray that you can move on. I don't want the reflection of our past to hold you back forever.

Love,
Angel

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