SUMMARY: Buffy's diary for the past few days
RATING: TV-PG
SPOILERS: Shadow
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Buffy and everyone else are Joss's property. I hate Joss.
WEBSITE: http://members.aol.com/goddessisa/slay.htm NOTE NEW URL
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I haven't done Buffy's journal in ages. I love doing Buffy's journal. I make her all angsty and Angel-obsessed, heehee. And I hate Joss. He's so freaking evil!

This is probably the hardest journal entry I'll ever have to write.

I've told you, and I've told Spike, and I'm telling Angel as soon as I finish this entry, but I realize now why I couldn't tell Riley.

Why I didn't tell him.

The inevitable truth about our relationship stands: he isn't what I need.

I needed a friend, you know? I needed someone who would listen, and care, and do all the right things, even though I don't think that person exists.

Except for the A word, which I swore I wouldn't mention in this diary more than once a week and the above is number seventeen so I'll stop now and move on.

I needed someone real the other night. Someone to care about me. Oddly enough, that someone was Spike.

It wasn't *him* so much, I think, as the friendship. I mean, I needed Giles to tell me that Mom was gonna be all right no matter what because I love her. I needed Willow to comfort me, watch me throw things and help me clean up the mess so I can do it all over again.

I need Xander to offer me junk food and then eat it while I watch. I need Tara to try and conjure up a spell to alleviate my stress since we both know magick and medicine don't mix.

I need Faith to kick my ass so I can get out some of the aggression I'm feeling.

I need Angel to hold me while I sob until the tears run dry.

What I don't need is someone patronizing. I don't need pity and statistics and sympathetic nonsense that translates into "I'll be there after your mom dies."

Which she's not going to, because I refuse to let her.

I'll be DAMNED if I'm even gonna think about that happened in realistic terms.

Right now, all I need is to have someone pinch me until I wake up.

I just can't....

Riley is my boyfriend, okay? And you'd think that with that would come some sort of friendship thing, but it just....

Riley is the world's worst friend. There. I said it. I feel better.

I mean, he couldn't help me if his life depended on it. I guess he didn't know how to help me, so he didn't bother trying.

I wish I knew how to help me, because to be honest, I'm clueless.

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