SUMMARY: Angel grieves.
SPOILER: Minor S4 Buffy & S1 ANGEL
DISTRIBUTION: Sandee, of course - My site - - Crystal and Butterfly if they want it - A Soul's Redemption - Anyone else - sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =)
RATING: TV-PG
DISCLAIMER: Characters belong to Poophead Joss. I didn't come up with that name for him, but it's *so* true. The song belongs to NSYNC. Bye, bye, bye, I don't really wanna make it tought...oh, sorry.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This story is sad, so I'll warn you now. It's one of many I will write with this song but I just had to get this out of my system. I've already read four tear-jerking fics tonight and I didn't need anymore. Yet I'm writing one. Go fig. The last verse might be messed up, I get busy looking at Joey and forget to figure out the words. NSYNC rules. Buy No Strings Attached on the 21st and kick BSB's asses. =)

I can't believe she's gone.

What's worse is that it's my fault.

I felt it happen, almost before the gun went off. I was sitting in my office, reading Great Expectations and then it hit me.

This surge of unbelievable pain not only through my heart but my brain. I saw white for a second and then I knew what had happened.

My screams brought Cordelia and Wesley into the room, but I didn't have to tell either of them what had happened. They both knew.

When Willow called that night with the news, I just let it ring and ring. I'd turned the machine off so I wouldn't have to hear her tear-filled voice trying to say the words. All I wanted was silence.

Even now, twenty-four hours later, I still feel her heart stopping. I still feel her last breath, still know she smiled to see Kendra and her mother again.

I still feel like she ripped my heart and soul out when she died, took them with her to Heaven.

I feel her looking down on me now, my guardian angel, forever wanting me to be happy. I was sure that she understood how I felt, but I guess not.

I was sure she knew that I could survive knowing that she was happy, knowing that she still lived and breathed and enjoyed something other than the Slaying.

I was sure she knew that without her, I'd die inside.

I guess I never told her alot of things.

How I almost killed myself the morning I left Sunnydale because I hated to be apart from her.

How I wanted to die everytime Cordelia mentioned someone she was seeing.

How her living heart took the place of my dead one.

I'm glad Cordy and Wesley already left for Sunnydale, for the funeral. I know it sounds heartless of me, but I couldn't stand to be there myself. Miraculously, everyone but Joyce seemed to understand.

Cordy almost suggested that I could blame Joyce for all of this, but I can't. I can't blame her for my leaving - I did that on my own. I can't blame her for what happened with Riley - he was the demon and though I hate to say it, Buffy knew better than to date him.

And most of all, I can't blame Joyce for Buffy shooting herself in the head.

I mean, if I wanna put the blame somewhere other than on myself, it was Xander's gun.

Saying those words feels so strange. Buffy....shooting herself, it's like not even real, and yet it kills me. Not a second goes by that I don't know realize she's gone and start missing her.

I don't think I'll ever stop missing her, and I can't live my life that way.

I doubt Cordelia and Wesley knew they were paying me their final goodbyes, but it's a better thing, I think. Cordy would've cried, Wesley probably would've too. In the end it would've been too difficult.

I can smell the sun now, just like I told Buffy before. Maybe it'll take me forever to get out of Hell and into Heaven, but I'll find a way. I'll get to her and we'll be together, somehow.

I just wish we could've done it the other way.

And maybe we could've, had she really known how I feel about her.

And I swear to God, I thought she knew.

She was my once in a lifetime
Happy ending come true4Oh I guess I should've told her
I thought she knew
She said I took her for granted
That's the last thing I would do
I'll never understand it
I thought she knew

I thought she knew
My world revolved around her
My love light burned for her alone
But she couldn't see the flame
Only myself to blame
I should have known

I should have known

A heart full of words left unspoken
Now that we're through
I'd sell my soul
Right at this very moment
'Cause I thought she knew

I thought she knew
My world revolved around her
My love light burned for her alone
But she couldn't see the flame
Only myself to blame
I should have known

She was my once in a lifetime
Happy ending come true
Oh I guess I should have told her
But I thought she knew
I thought she knew
I thought she knew

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