SUMMARY: The truth about Fish Boy
SPOILER: S4 Buffy & Riley didn't get pelvic. 'Cause, eew.
DISTRIBUTION: Sandee, of course - My site - - Crystal and Butterfly if they want it - A Soul's Redemption - Anyone else - sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =)
RATING: TV-MA - this gets graphic
DISCLAIMER: Stupidhead Joss owns da characters. I own da insanity. Ooh, and a new NSYNC tee shirt. =)
DEDICATION: Thank you *so* much to CDJ for his help with this fic. You're hysterical and brilliant and you should kill Riley one of these days, you'd do a nice job.

Xander hated patrol. It was boring and lonely and he hated it.

He hated it more when he had to hide out from the stupid Initiative guys. They weren't supposed to know about him and he wasn't supposed to know about them. They did though, and neither wanted to cross the other's path.

He sighed and walked along campus, waiting for something.

The he heard it. A scream.

He saw it from several feet away, but it wasn't until just a yard or two separated them that he really realized what was going on.

Riley was involved in some sort of sick sex sandwich.

He had Professor Walsh pinned over the hood of a car, taking her from behind. Forest was behind him, ramming into his ass. Graham was behind *him* giving Forest the same treatment he was giving Riley.

Xander ran as fast as he could and stopped to puke several times. He made it to Giles' apartment in record time and burst in.

"You guys!!"

"Xander, what's wrong?" Willow asked.

"You look like you just saw a ghost." Buffy added. Then she froze. "You *didn't*, did you?"

He shook his head. "It's Riley."

"What about him?" Buffy asked.

"He's.....when he isn't with Buffy....he flies a biplane!"

Willow scratches her head in confusion. "That must cost him a fortune."

Xander slams his fists down on the counter, bruising his knuckles. "Ouch. No, Riley, he...he paints his toe nails!"

"I know!" Buffy squealed. "Just the other day, I showed him how to--"

"Riley is gay!" Xander interrupts.

Everyone looks at him, stunned.

"*That's* why he took my 98Degrees CD," Giles said, a somewhat serious look on his face.

"What were *you* doing with a 98Degrees CD?" Buffy asked.

"Well, it's not really mine." Giles explained. "I won it in a contest from Teen Beat."

"And why were you reading Teen Beat?" Buffy pressed.

"Well, would you look at that?" Giles said. "My car phone is ringing."

"You don't *have* a car phone," Buffy said, giving him one of *those* looks.

"Then I'd better go buy one." Giles took off out the door and Buffy followed him.

"I fear her," Xander said.

"Riley's really gay?" Willow asked.

"I knew that." Anya said, biting into her turkey sandwich.

"How?" Xander asked.

"I have Gaydar." she said simply.

*****

(A few hours later, in a phone booth somewhere in LA)

"No, Angel, I'm *not* kidding!" Buffy said. "My car broke down on my way to see you and I want you to come get me *now*! I'm moving to LA and you're going to marry me. And don't even *think* about pretending to be gay, I've already been down that route once today."

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