Feedback: Very much appreciated, it seems to be the only thing that keeps my muse happy: vagabond_angel@comcast.net
Disclaimer: Do I look rich to you?...that’d be a no then. I’m just borrowing.
Rating: R-for adult themes of drugs, abuse, etc
Pairing: B/A (major pair), but also W/O, X/C, Gi/Jo
Summary: Total AU (i.e. no vamps, no slayers, just regular humans)...Angel breaks up with Buffy after their high school graduation. Years later he returns to reclaim his lost love.
Spoilers: None…total AU…but ships from the show are used…and I did sort of vaguely reuse a few of the less supernatural storylines from the show.
Distribution: my site (Vagabond Soul), ff.net, BA_Fluff list, and LoD & Starrkitty’s Archive if they want it, anyone else, just ask first
Author’s Notes – I started this quite a while ago, and then stopped working on it when I got completely sucked into writing ‘I Dreamt of Someday’, but now I’ve come back to it. This was the 2nd fic I ever started, and even with the re-writing, its still a bit raw.
AN2: The first maybe 7 parts of this fic have little actual B/A interaction…for a good reason…but the pair is still the focus despite that. Just thought I’d mention that.
AN3: Not beta’d, blame any mistakes on me!

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Part 1 – Reminiscing

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It had been a long day for Angelus "Angel" Malloy. The flight from New York to California had seemed incredibly long. Then he had to deal with getting a rental car, retrieving the few belongings he had out of storage, moving everything into the small apartment he'd rented, and trying to get at least a little settled in. Yes, it had definitely been a busy day, but busy also meant that he had things to focus on. Things that would keep him from thinking about her. Now, though, he found himself sitting on one of the few pieces of furniture he owned, exhausted, and wondering about her, Buffy Summers.

Five years. It had been five long years since he'd last seen her, or heard anything about her for that matter. When he left Sunnydale a few weeks after their high school graduation, he had cut all ties to home. It was for the best, or at least that’s what he had thought back then.

Sunnydale had been left far behind when he went off to Columbia with the intent of becoming a writer. It had taken a little longer than he'd expected to graduate from college because of the semester abroad spent in Ireland , but he looked back fondly upon his college years, or at least most of the times. There had definitely been some bad times, but overall it had been a great experience, and he'd learned so much about writing, the world, and about himself.

The most important thing, though, that he learned in college was that he couldn't stop loving the girl he left behind. He had tried, of course, to forget about her. There had been dates with other women, some he had even been with intimately, but no one could compare to his Buffy.

After trying so hard to move on for almost three and a half years, he finally realized that as long as he lived, his heart would always belong to her. That personal revelation was what had led to his decision to return to the town he grew up in, the town where he had met the one girl who could make him weak in the knees. He didn’t know if it was the right thing to do. How could he? But he knew he had to try, had to see if he could win back her love. She was the only thing that completed him.

So that’s why he now found himself back in Sunnydale, trying to start his life there over again. It wasn’t going to be easy. He knew that. But he was determined to do whatever it took to correct the wrongs he’d committed in the past. Maybe he wouldn’t be able to do it. And maybe he would. Only time would tell.

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Staring out the window, Angel sat in the ratty second hand chair he’d purchased and remembered the girl who forever held his heart. His eyes wondered to the various boxes scattered around the messy apartment. On top of one, the yearbook from his senior year of high school peaked out. The temptation to see her smiling face got the best of him so he reached over and pulled out the book. Leaning back in his chair, Angel ran his fingers over the cover before opening it.

As he flipped through the pages, he couldn't help but laugh at some of the pictures. There was one of Xander goofing off by hanging upside down from a tree, another of Willow sitting at a computer, then one of Cordelia doing what she did best which was making herself look pretty, and also one of their class advisor, Mr. Giles, sitting in the library. So many memories and he cherished them all.

And of course, there was Buffy, or rather pictures of him and Buffy together. Back then, one would have been hard pressed to find a time when they weren’t together. And since they were two of the most popular kids in school, there were plenty of pictures of them in the yearbook. It also helped that one of the best friends, Willow had been the editor.

He smiled at the pictures: one of them at a pep rally, one as Prom King and Queen, another of a stolen moment together in between classes, and the picture that went with the Senior Superlative for "Best Couple." The two of them had definitely not been wallflowers during their high school days. For a long time he thought they'd be together forever.

But then came the acceptance letter to Columbia . At first all it meant was that he’d be heading off to one of the best schools in the country. And his academic record had helped him get accepted on a full scholarship. It was one of the best things to ever happen to him.

Then the doubts came. What would he do about Buffy? He was going to be moving half way across the country while she remained in Sunnydale. Those thoughts plagued his mind for months until he knew what he had to do. For as long as he lived, Angel knew he would never forget the night that he had broken his beloved’s heart.

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~begin flashback~

They walked in silence back to Buffy's house, glad that they had decided not to drive to the post-graduation party. Alcohol and driving did not mix. Angel hardly said a word during the mile walk from Willow 's house.

"So did you have a good time at the party?" Buffy asked, and got no response.

"Hello, earth to Angel, anyone home?" she questioned with a wave in front of his face.

"Huh? Did you say something?" replied Angel.

"Uhh, yeah. What's up with you?" she said with concern.

"Nothing,” shrugged Angel, trying his best to hide his emotions.

'You don't have nothing face, you have something face. Tell me what's bothering you," Buffy prodded.

"Why don't we sit down on the porch. There is something I want to talk to you about." He gestured to the stairs in front of Buffy’s house.

As they sat on the porch Buffy's stomach began to do cartwheels. She'd known all night that he had something on his mind. Angel was usually the life of the party, but tonight he'd seemed off in another world. He looked like he was really nervous about something. There was only one thing she could think of that would make him this quiet and nervous and she dearly hoped that her suspicion was right, that her dream was about to come true.

From the first time she met Angel three and a half years earlier, Buffy knew that he was her true love. Their first encounter occurred shortly after her move to Sunnydale with her mother. They'd bumped into each other at the video store one night and sparks had flown. Hell, fireworks had erupted. Not long after, they became an inseparable pair. But she had known from that first meeting that he was the one, the one she was meant to spend forever with. And tonight would be the night. He would ask her to marry him tonight. She could think of nothing more she wanted in the whole entire world than to be his wife.

"I've decided to leave for Columbia early," Angel stated in a cold, flat voice, breaking the silence around them.

"W-what?" she managed to squeak out in response.

"They have a summer program I can attend, so I'm leaving in 2 weeks." His tone remained steady as he spoke.

"I don't understand. When did you decide to do this and why did you never bring it up with me?" she questioned forcefully.

"I've been thinking about it for about a little while. This program is a chance to help me get a good start on my writing career and I have to take it," Angel replied trying to maintain the coldness in his voice.

"Oh....I-I guess I understand. That doesn't mean I like it," she muttered and then thought for a minute. "My classes don't start until the end of August maybe I could go with you and spend the summer there. It would give us more time together."

"Buffy…I've been doing some thinking," Angel started as he stood up and walked a few feet away from her. "We're both starting college soon, you at UC Sunnydale, and me in Columbia...” he ran his hand through his hair knowing he had to force the next phrase out of his mouth. "I think that we should see other people."

"WHAT?" Buffy screeched at the words he'd just spoken to her. A million thoughts ran through her head. This was no where near what she had been expecting. It was a continent away from the marriage proposal she wanted and thought she was going to get. "You're breaking up with me?" she spoke softly as tears begin to stream down her cheeks.

"It's for the best," Angel stated flatly.

"You mean it’s best for you. That way you can go off to college and have all the fun you want with the trampy little co-eds," Buffy shouted, anger coursing through her voice.

"Buffy, don't. I just think this is what needs to be done. I’m not doing this to hurt you," he said, his voice beginning to waver slightly.

"Oh really? You could have fooled me. That’s exactly what you are doing. God! I was so stupid. I thought you were going to ask me to marry you tonight, but instead I get the royal brush off so you can be free to get your happy on. How could I have never seen what kind of person you are? How could I have wanted forever with you?" she spat out at him, barely containing the rage that was building within.

"I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I'm just trying to do what's right,” Angel explained. He tried not to let the pain he felt for her show in his voice. Marriage. If only she knew how much he wanted that with her. He wanted to take her in his arms, tell her how sorry he was, how much he loved her, but he couldn't. This needed to be done. He couldn't make her wait four or five years for him while he was away. She deserved to be free, to be happy, to live like a normal girl, not one who was tied down to a boyfriend thousands of miles away. She'd never be free unless he did this.

Buffy saw him take a step towards her and fought to keep control of herself. Part of her wanted to launch her body into his and beg him not to leave her, and another part wanted to plant her knee squarely into his crouch. At the moment, she wouldn’t have minded seeing him in an extreme amount of pain.

"Don't fucking touch me! I don't even want you near me!" she screamed at him.

"Buffy, please-"

"I said get. the. fuck . a-way. from. me!" she replied, jaw clenched, fire blazing out of her eyes.

"I-I'm sorry," Angel stated softly before he turned to walk away. "I didn't want to hurt you," he added, but only he could hear those final words.

As he walked away he heard Buffy begin to sob. Guilt and pain seeped through every part of his body. He'd just destroyed everything he had with the love of his life. How could he have done this to her?

The sensible part of his brain told him that he did it because it was the only thing to do. But just because he'd broken up with her didn't mean that he would stop worrying about her welfare. He couldn't just walk away and leave her like that, not with the type of people that could be found lurking around in Sunnydale. So he quickly ducked behind a tree and watched her, making sure that she'd remain safe for however long she stayed out on the porch.

Buffy watched as Angel walked away. The anger that had initially driven her was beginning to wane, being replaced by mind numbing shock. Whatever she had expected from this night, the actuality had never crossed her mind. It was just starting to sink in that Angel, her Angel, her soulmate, had left her. That he had turned his back on her and everything they’d had and walked away.

Finally she couldn't hold it in any longer and fell to the ground, violently sobbing. She pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around them, rocking herself ever so slightly. The events began to replay in her head which only caused her to cry harder. The only thought that her mind could grasp was that Angel was gone.

Suddenly, she felt a hand on her shoulder. Her eyes whipped open hoping to find Angel's beautiful brown eyes looking down at her, but instead she saw her two best friends, Willow and Cordelia, standing in front of her, with Oz and Xander a few feet away, looking concerned. Not knowing what to say she just put her head back down onto her knees and continued to cry. She couldn’t have stopped even if she wanted to.

Angel watched her until he saw that she was in good hands. She was safe, at least he would know that. Slowly, he walked home, fighting a constant battle against the urge to go back to her, to tell her that he was wrong and that he did want to marry her. But he couldn't. What he’d done was for the best. No matter how much he had hurt her, and hurt himself, he'd done the right thing. He was sure of it. Someday, just maybe, he'd be able to return to her, and he hoped that if that day came, she’d still love him and be able to forgive him.

~end flashback~

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Tears flowed down Angel's cheeks as he remembered that night so long ago. The hurt he had caused her still rattled him. But there was nothing he could do to take it all back. He didn’t know if he would want to anyway. Part of him still believed it had been the right thing, but another part told him otherwise. Funny how almost five years ago he was so sure that it had been the right choice, and now…well he wasn't so sure about it.

When he first left, he thought that, eventually, he would be able to stop thinking about her, worrying about her...loving her. But in the five years he'd been away, he hadn't been able to do any of those things. And that's what made him wonder if he'd done the right thing that night.

It was also part of the reason he was now back in Sunnydale, a place he swore he would never return to all those years ago. About a year and a half ago, he had realized that he would never be able to move on with his life until he came home and saw her. Even if he found that she was now happily married with a baby on the way, he would at least know that she was happy. That was all that he’d ever wanted for her.

Looking at the clock, Angel sighed and returned the yearbook to the box. The trip down memory lane had been emotionally exhausting. There wasn't anything he could do about Buffy at the moment, so he opted for some much needed sleep instead. But soon, he would find out if there was possibly room for him in Buffy's life.

As he laid down to go to sleep he sent a silent prayer to whatever higher being might be listening that she would someday forgive him.

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Part 2 – Old Friends

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Author’s Notes: This part is pretty much again focused on Angel…we’ll get to Buffy soon, promise! For those of you who read this before, I pretty much rewrote this entire part

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The following day, Angel spent the majority of his time getting further settled into his life back in Sunnydale. The move had left him with an endless array of things to do. First and foremost he needed to unpack more of his belongings. He’d spent nearly and hour that morning trying to find his shaving kit. Once he had unpacked some more he decided on a trip to the market to stock his apartment up with food.

While he was out, he also stopped by the newspaper office to meet with his new boss. After touring the office and meeting a few of his coworkers, Angel had finally been able to return home. The only bad thing about moving back to Sunnydale was that he was basically starting his life all over again. It was more tiring than he thought it would be. He was just glad that he had been able to postpone starting his new job for four weeks so that he could get fully settled into his new life before tackling his job at the newspaper.

As night began to fall, Angel set about making himself some dinner which consisted of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich due to the fact that all of his kitchen supplies were still in boxes. But he didn’t really care; more important things were occupying his mind.

Tonight, he planned on taking the first step in trying to work his way back into Buffy’s life. Or, of course, if he was too nervous, he would just watch from afar. He would at least be able to se how she was doing no matter what he did.

Just thinking about the beautiful blonde goddess caused his heart to nearly double in pace. It had been so long since he had seen her smiling face. Too long. The anticipation within him at the prospect of seeing her was nearly overwhelming.

Eager to get his night started, Angel took a quick shower and washed off all the sweat from unpacking. He dressed in a casual pair of black slacks and a royal blue button down shirt. The shirt was chosen for a reason, Buffy had always loved him to wear blue.

He stared at his appearance in the mirror for a minute, nervously wondering if he looked okay. Was his shirt too wrinkled? Should he have worn khaki pants? Did he put enough gel in his hair? After a moment, he laughed at himself, thinking that he was acting like a teenager going on his first date.

Finally, he took a deep breath and pulled himself away from the mirror. He tried convince himself there was no reason to be nervous. After all, he wasn’t even sure he would see her tonight. Sighing, he grabbed his keys off the dresser and made his way out of his apartment.

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Angel headed toward the one club in Sunnydale, The Bronze. That was where the gang had always hung out in high school. It was the best place to begin his quest to find his love. There was good chance that neither she, nor their friends would be there, but it was the only place he could think to look. Hopefully, luck would be on his side and he’d find them.

The drive to the club was short, causing Angel to think that he may have been better off walking. The beat of the music inside could be heard from the parking lot as he got out of his car. Making his way to the door, he paid the cover charge and entered the club.

The second he was inside, memories washed over him. During his younger years, he had spent an enormous amount of time there with Buffy and their friends. Hours spent on the dance floor, Buffy cradled in his arms, the friendly banter traded at one of the tables. It was all so familiar, yet so foreign. He wondered if she now spent her time there with another.

The inside of the club looked a bit different from the last time he had been there. It looked like it had been remodeled a little and redecorated, but it still had the homey, comfortable feeling that he always loved about the place.

Angel wandered leisurely around the club absorbing the atmosphere. He didn't see anyone he recognized. The crowd was decidedly younger, well younger than him at least. They were probably the current high school group doing just what he and his friends had done at their age.

After looking around for a few minutes he began to think that his old friends weren't there, but then he saw a table off in the corner with four familiar people seated around it. He couldn’t help but smile at the sight. The group that he had spent so much time with years ago was still together.

Willow was practically sitting on Oz's lap. Angel had to chuckle at that. Some things never changed, they had been just like that in high school. He found himself surprised, though, when he saw that Xander was sitting with his arm around Cordelia. The beauty queen and the class clown. That was definitely something he never would have expected. The two had been friends back then, but had spent most of their time trying to annoy each other. It looked like some things had changed.

Cautiously, he made his way over to the table. Now that he was there, he wasn’t sure what to say. He hadn’t really thought about it. What if they hated him? Told him to go get the hell away from them? There was only one way to find out.

"Angel?" The sound of someone calling his name snapped him out of his internal monologue. Glancing up, he realized the Willow had spotted him. Pushing aside his nervousness, he walked over to their table.

"Hey," he replied, not really knowing what to say to the people he’d pretty much abandoned five years earlier.

"Well, uhh, it's been a while," Xander stated matter-of-factly. There was no mistaking the ice in his voice, or the less than warm looks from the others. And, really, Angel couldn't blame them. If he was in their position he would probably act the same way.

"Yeah, it has. Mind if I have a seat?" he asked nervously.

"Uhh, yeah sure,” answered Willow, sharing not-so-secret looks with the other. None of them had expected to run into their old friend that night.

Angel sat down in the seat next to Willow. Despite the fact that the four people at the table had been his best friends, he felt like he was sitting with a bunch of strangers. He didn’t know what to say to them, and it appeared that they didn’t quite know how to react to him.

Inwardly, he noticed that none of them looked beyond him into the club as if they were on the look-out for someone or that they didn’t look worried that someone else was going to be joining them at the table. And he also noted that there were only four cups on the table. Those facts could only mean that Buffy wasn't with them. A pang of disappointment flickered in his heart that he wouldn't get to see her yet, but he also thought that maybe it would be better to see the others first and possibly get some clues about her life now.

"So, you're back," Oz said in his usual man-of-few-words manner, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

"When did you get back in town?" added Willow.

"I just flew in yesterday. I've been busy trying to get things settled, and I had to meet with my new boss." Angel stated as casually as possible.

"Boss? You have a job here?" Cordelia nearly choked on her drink.

"Yeah, I'm going to be working at the newspaper as a junior editor. I got lucky. Someone left suddenly not long before I contacted them and they gave me the job without even having me come in for a face to face meeting." explained Angel, his eyes focused anywhere but at the faces of his friends. He wasn’t quite ready to deal with their accusatory eyes yet.

"So…that would mean you're staying in town, huh?" questioned Willow, more than a little shocked at the sudden reappearance of someone she’d once considered a good friend.

"You would assume right," answered Angel with a slight nod of his head. He didn’t really mind the idle chit-chat with his sort-of friends, but part of him just wanted to jump to the point and ask about Buffy.

"Wow, that's, well, interesting," Xander said flatly. He was more than a little angry that Angel had just shown up out of nowhere after disappearing like he had.

Angel inwardly sighed. Xander’s hostility was not lost on him. It wasn’t like he didn’t expect it, but it still stung a bit. He wondered if maybe he should just leave. It didn’t appear that they wanted him around. He wouldn’t know until he asked, though.

"Look, guys, I know me showing up is probably the last thing you expected or wanted. And I know there are probably some bad feelings about things that have happened in the past. I understand that. And if you would prefer it, I'll stay away from you guys and Buffy. If you think that's best, I’ll keep my distance." Angel finished the sentence and exhaled the breath he'd been holding in. He then noticed four sets of eyes wide open, looking back and forth between each other. It wasn't quite the reaction he was expecting.

"Buffy?" Willow spoke softly, keeping tight reign on her emotions.

"Yeah, I mean, we didn’t part on the best of terms. I would understand if she didn’t want to see me. I don’t want to cause trouble for her or any of you," Angel replied, not quite sure what was going on.

"Angel? Could you be a gentleman and get me another drink? Long Island Ice Tea. Please?" Cordelia asked out of the blue. It was the first thing that came to mind.

"Uh, yeah, no problem," answered Angel, getting more confused by the second. He got up to go get Cordelia's drink regardless.

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Once Angel was out of hearing distance, the four friends quickly turned toward either. Their eyes showed their surprise at not only Angel’s arrival, but also his words.

"I don't think he knows," Willow leaned in and whispered to the others.

"Kinda got the same feeling," concurred Oz.

"I know none of us tried to get into contact with him, but I would have thought someone would have told him," Xander replied, a bit of anger in his voice.

"Who would have told him though? None of us have even spoken to him since he left town after graduation, and his family moved to New York about a year later. I don't think he kept in contact with anybody who knows what’s gone on here," Willow summed up, her mind reeling at the implications.

"Why should he know anyway? He's the one who up and ditched his life and everyone in it?" Cordelia barked. She could still vividly remember the night they had found Buffy crying on her porch.

"Yeah…but Cordy, they were together, for like what? four years or so. He's probably still got some feelings for her somewhere even if he did break up with her and leave town. He obviously still cares about her if he's willing to stay away from us and her," Willow answered back. She didn’t quite know why she was defending Angel after what he had done. Maybe it was because he was one of her oldest friends.

"Does it really matter anyway? His feelings for her, whatever they are, don't make a difference at the moment, and they might never again," Xander said with a slight hitch in his voice, his thoughts suddenly elsewhere.

"Xander, stop, we don't know that! We have to tell him. He has to know," Willow retorted sympathetically, her eyes showing sadness.

"Well, then I guess you're the lucky one since you think he needs to be told," countered Xander, not wanting to deal with Angel. He couldn’t get over what his former friend had done.

"Fine," Willow sighed. Somehow she always got stuck with the dirty work. She ran a hand through her shoulder length red hair wondering how exactly she was going to tell Angel what he needed to be told. She stood up and reached for her coat, not missing the questioning looks her friends were giving her. "I can't tell him here, geez."

"Here's your drink Cordy. Sorry it took so long, there was a long line,” Angel stated as he handed Cordy her drink. He then noticed Willow standing as if she was about to leave. “Are you leaving Willow?”

"Yeah…umm, sort of. Why don't we go for a walk or something…we can…talk," she stuttered slightly. This was not a conversation she was looking forward to. Something told her Angel was not going to take the news well at all. The look in his eyes when he said Buffy’s name earlier had not been lost on her. It wouldn’t have surprised in the least if he was still in love with Buffy.

"Uhh, yeah, ok, I guess so. I'll see you guys later then," Angel answered, his brow furrowing at the bad vibe he was getting. Something definitely wasn't right, he was sure of that. Their little group had always been on the strange side, but this was odd even for them.

The group exchanged good-byes. Well, they spoke the words to Willow and more or less mumbled them to Angel. Angel then turned and followed Willow out of The Bronze into the cool winter night. All the while his mind was frantically wondering what it was that Willow wanted to talk to him about.

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Part 3 - Shattered

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After leaving the Bronze, Willow had asked Angel if he would drive her somewhere, purposely leaving out where exactly she wanted to go. Angel, still confused by the situation, could do nothing but say yes. It was obvious in his mind that there was something Willow wasn’t telling him, or hadn’t yet been able to tell him. He wasn’t sure which. The sinking feeling in his gut, however, told him that whatever it was, it was something very very bad.

The car ride was silent except for Willow’s scant directions. Angel was tempted to pull the car over and demand that she tell him what was going on. Instead, he wordlessly complied with her directives. Part of him just didn’t want to know what had Willow acting so strangely.

When they finally reached their destination, Angel stared curiously at the house. It was rather large, well kept, and was part of the so-called ‘wealthy district’. He recognized it from his years living in Sunnydale, but had no idea who lived there. Why had Willow asked him to bring her here?

"Where are we Willow? Whose house this?" questioned Angel. The situation was getting odder by the second which only served to make him more nervous.

"This is Joyce's and Giles' house," she answered, glad that the dark of night didn’t allow Angel to see her face. When she realized her statement probably didn’t make sense to him, she explained further. "They got married about 2 years ago and moved here."

"Oh…that's…well, unexpected, but what are we doing here?" he asked even more confused and a bit shocked. Buffy's mom and Mr. Giles. Another unexpected turn of events. He wondered what Buffy thought of her Mom’s marriage to their high school class advisor.

"I, uh, stay here sometimes. Well...I guess I practically live here, especially when they are out of town. They're on a retreat for a week so Oz and I are staying here to...take care of things," she stated, knowing full well that her vagueness was obvious.

Angel’s brow furrowed. It was more than a little weird to him that a young woman like Willow was living with another person's family most of the time, and with her boyfriend. Couldn’t they have hired someone to take care of the house, or couldn’t Buffy do it? And what ‘things’ exactly did she have to take care of? Something was very wrong, he was sure of that.

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Angel followed as Willow entered house. He glanced around at the interior, taking note of the expensive pieces of art. The house was beautiful filled with exquisite furniture and such. No doubt the result of two mildly wealthy people marrying each other. It was still strange to Angel that Buffy’s Mom had married Giles.

Without saying anything, Willow started walking up the large oak staircase leading up to the second floor. Angel followed, hoping that sooner, rather than later, he’d get some answers as to what was going on. They made their way down a long hall to an open sitting area where Willow told him to wait for a minute.

He watched impatiently as she went over and talked to a young woman in her mid-twenties who was seated on a couch reading a book. They spoke quietly so he couldn't hear what they were saying, but he saw the young woman glance over to him. Who was she? A servant? The woman then stood and walked past him down the hall. Willow walked back over to Angel with an obvious look of sadness and fear in her eyes.

"Willow, could you please tell me what's going on?" he said slightly angered.

Instead Willow lightly took his hand and led him over to a door to the right of the couch the young woman had recently been sitting on. She couldn't think of the right way to tell him, so she decided it would be best to let him see for himself. It was the cowards way out, she knew that, and probably wasn't the best way to handle things, but it was the only thing that she could think of.

"What's in there? Why won't you tell me anything?" Angel demanded, his mind was searching for answers. What was behind that door that Willow was intent on showing him rather than telling him?

"Just go in," she said softly, her eyes unable to look into his.

"Aren't you coming with me?" he asked when he saw Willow walk toward one of the chairs in the sitting area.

"No," she answered with a slight shake of her head. Taking a seat, she finally looked at Angel, her eyes telling him without words that whatever was behind that door was not something he wanted to see.

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For a moment, Angel could only stare at Willow. The red head’s actions had him truly frightened. And part of him was about two seconds away from throttling her for being so cryptic. The knot in his stomach tightened even more, if that was humanly possible, as he fought with the dueling desires of forcing Willow to explain what was going on or to just go into the room before him.

Realizing he wasn’t going to get any more information out of Willow, he turned toward to door that he supposed held the key to the ever confusing situation he found himself in. Slowly, he grasped the handle and turned it. Pushing open the door, he swiveled his head to take one last glance at Willow in hopes that she would reveal something, anything, to him. But her face adeptly masked her emotions. Taking a deep breath he wasn’t sure if he needed, Angel walked into the room.

The first thing he noticed in the room, other than the lack of significant light, were all the machines scattered around. His eyes narrowed as he strained to see them in the dim light. They were the kind of machines seen in hospitals that measured various vital statistics. What were they doing in the room? His questioning gaze turned to look out the door to Willow, but abruptly came to a stop on a sight he almost wished he hadn’t seen.

There, lying on a bed in the corner of the room was Buffy. Angel’s mouth dropped open as if to speak, but no words came out. He took a cautious step toward the bed. His eyes ran over her form. She looked incredibly pale and fragile, a few wires here and there trailed from her body and appeared as if they connected her to the machines he’d first noticed. He took another hesitant step toward the bed.

“Buffy,” he said in a choked whisper.

His hand reached out to touch her, but dropped quickly. He almost didn’t want to touch her, didn’t want to make the sight in front of him any more real. But it was real. His beautiful Buffy was lying lifeless a mere foot away from him. What had happened to her? His eyes roamed over what he could see of her body, searching for something to tell him what was wrong with her. But there was nothing.

Angel stood there for what seemed like hours staring at his love. He didn’t even notice when the tears began falling down his cheeks, the only thing he could think about was Buffy. She looked so small in the bed, like a child’s baby doll, neatly tucked in for bedtime.

He took the last few steps until he was standing beside her. His left hand reached out and touched the side of her face while his right hand found its way into hers. She felt not quite warm but not quite cold and didn’t stir at his touch. The tears that had started earlier continued to fall as he stood and stared at what seemed like her lifeless body. The only sign of life being the blips on the machine that he assumed measured her heart rate.

Seeing the chair beside the bed, Angel sat down and tried to absorb the picture that lay before him, all the while never letting go of her hand.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

A half hour went by as Willow waited in the sitting room next to where her best friend resided. She could almost feel the pain radiating out of the room from Angel. Tears began to well in her eyes as she thought about her friend lying unmoving on the bed. She still had hope that Buffy would wake up, that things would go back to the way they used to be. Go back to when she had a best friend who hadn’t pushed her away, who wasn’t now in a coma.

Finally, she heard Angel’s footsteps and saw him emerge from the room. He was puffy and red eyed Angel, as she assumed she was as well. He closed the door, staring at it for a moment before walking over to Willow and sitting in the chair next to her.

“I’m sorry Angel, we thought that you knew,” Willow said breaking the deafening silence surrounding them.

“H-How long has she been like that?” he asked in a barely audible voice.

“Seven and a half months,” she answered softly, pulling a tissue out of her pocket to dab at her tears.

“What happened?” Angel questioned tersely, fresh tears beginning to fall at the thought of his Buffy being like that for so long. She’d always been so full of life…to see her like he just had was so foreign.

“She was attacked. Someone found her in an alley badly beaten and stabbed. The doctors didn’t think she would survive the night. The stab wounds had penetrated her liver and lungs, and there was serious head trauma. She made it through all the surgeries, but hasn’t regained consciousness since then,” explained Willow as she reached to close one her hands around Angel’s.

Angel’s eyes closed and his head dropped slightly as the things Willow told him penetrated his mind. His heart ached for Buffy. He couldn’t imagine what she must have gone through. And he hadn’t been there. Somewhere in the back of his mind a voice spoke out saying that it wouldn’t have happened if he had been there, that his beloved wouldn’t be lying in that bed if he hadn’t left.

When he didn’t speak, Willow continued, “they kept her in the hospital for two months. But her condition didn’t change, that was when Joyce and Giles decided it was best to move her back home and hire a private care. So she’s been here since then. That’s why I often stay here, to help out with whatever they need and to be here for Buffy.”

Willow’s words again received no response. Angel just continued to sit there, but his eyes had raised and were now staring at the door through which he’d just walked through. His mind couldn’t seem to form a coherent sentence. There were only singular thoughts mostly focusing on the words Buffy and coma.

The utterly lost look in Angel’s eyes was not lost on Willow. She knew that look well, she still saw it often in Joyce’s eyes. She wished that there was something she could do for him, but experience had shown her that there was nothing that would ease them pain. They had all had a while to come to terms with the situation, but it was all very fresh for Angel. She couldn’t help but be worried about him. Seeing someone you love in the condition like he had just seen Buffy was always hard.

“Angel, there’s a lot of stuff that you don’t know…things that have gone on since you left, but now’s not the time to talk about them. I think we both need some sleep. Why don’t you stay the night in one of the extra rooms. I don’t think you should be driving right now,” Willow offered, trying to be as comforting as she could. The last thing Angel should be doing at the moment was driving in the condition he was in.

“Ok,” answered Angel when he snapped out of his daze enough to realize what Willow had said. His mind was still too much in shock to absorb anything she’d said or to say that he’d be fine to go home. So he just followed her down the hall and into one of the guest rooms.

“There are some spare clothes in the dresser. You should be able to find something you can change into,” Willow told him and gestured to the dresser. She watched him for a minute as he just stood in the room. She again wished there was something she could do for him, but only time would ease the hurt. Sighing slightly, she turned and left the room, closing the door behind her.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Willow was lying in bed thinking about all the things that had gone on during the evening when Oz finally entered their bedroom. She was grateful that Joyce and Giles didn’t mind him staying with her when she slept at the house. Oz was her rock, he comforted her when she was sad, laughed with her when she was happy, he was everything she could want in a boyfriend.

“How did it go?” he asked as changed into his sleeping clothes.

“About as I expected. He was really upset,” she began and then told him about all that had transpired with Angel earlier.

“You think he still loves her don’t you?” he asked already knowing the answer.

“It was pretty obvious,” she replied.

“Yeah, I think Xander was the only one in denial land about that,” Oz answered back.

“We better get some sleep. I’m gonna need it for the conversation I have to have with Angel tomorrow. He doesn’t know yet about everything else that’s gone on while he was away,” she said sleepily.

“Mmm, yeah, he’s not going to take that well,” Oz said with a yawn and then pulled the covers over Willow and himself. She snuggled closer to him and drifted off to sleep.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Part 4 – Her Story

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

The next morning Willow awoke a little before 9am. She thought to herself that she could have easily slept another few hours, but with Angel having slept at the house, she figured that she better drag herself out of bed and check on him. So she showered and got dressed before making her way toward the room Angel had spent the night in. Upon arriving at his door she found that it was open and Angel wasn’t in the room. She knew right away where he was.

Quietly, she crept down the hall to Buffy’s room and found what she expected to find: Angel asleep in the chair, his head resting on the edge of the bed near Buffy’s hand. If she hadn’t been sure the previous night that he was still in love with her, she would have been now. Part of her was tempted to leave him there, but she knew he should probably eat something, and they also had things that needed to be talked about. Placing her hand on his shoulder she shook him lightly.

“Angel...time to wake up,” she said softly.

“Huh...Willow?...What time is it? I must have fallen asleep,” he replied, blinking his eyes at the harsh sunlight filling the room.

“It’s almost ten in the morning. Why don’t you come down and have some breakfast. You’ve got to be hungry, and Buffy’s physical therapist will be here soon so you can’t stay in the room anyway,” Willow answered as she walked over and adjusted the blinds covering the windows.

“I’m not really hungry, but I guess you’re right, I should have something. Physical therapist?” he asked looking up at her, wondering at the statement.

“Yeah, he comes by a couple times a week to work on her muscles. It keeps them from atrophying,” she explained, wiggling her arms as if it would help show her point.

“Oh, okay. I guess we should get some breakfast then,” Angel said and got up from the chair he’d been seated in for hours.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

They sat quietly on the patio with their breakfasts. Angel took an occasional bite out of the omelet that Willow made, but his mind was elsewhere, cluttered with a thousand different thoughts. Finding Buffy in a coma upon his return to Sunnydale was something that he had not expected at all. He couldn’t get the sight of her out of his head, lying there pale and motionless.

Did she dream? Was she in pain? And then there was the part of his brain that was telling him that this was all his fault. He had left her without a look back, left her alone, to fend for herself. As a result she was now just a body lying on a bed, a shell of what she once was. His conscience kept repeating over and over that she wouldn’t have been hurt if he had stayed.

“Are you okay?” Willow interrupted his thoughts.

“Yeah, it...it just hurts…to see her like that. She was always so full of life,” he answered, not able to look Willow in the eyes.

“I know,” she agreed, a tear forming. “It’s still hard for me to look at her even after almost eight months.”

“Tell me what happened, all of it,” he asked firmly.

Willow inhaled deeply and looked up at him, not quite knowing where to start, or how to tell him all that there was to tell. It was going to be hard for him to hear, she knew that. But it was important that he know.

“There’s a lot to tell you, Angel, and it’s not all stuff you’re going to like. But please, just listen to everything I have to say,” began Willow, taking a sip of juice before continuing. “Things changed a lot after you left, Buffy changed. It took her the whole summer to get over you leaving. We tried to get her to go out with us, but she wouldn’t leave the house most of the time. So we just tried to be there for her.”

“School started in the fall, and she seemed a little better. She still didn’t go out much, but she was doing really well in her classes. The summer after freshmen year she moved back in with her mom. She would hang out with us once in a while, but mostly we had to go to her house to see her,” Willow paused and looked toward Angel. This is where things started to go downhill, she still wasn’t sure he was ready to hear it all. But he nodded so she went on.

“Then not long after sophomore year started, she met a guy, bumped into him in the hall, I think. They started hanging out and she was almost like her old self. But he just up and dumped her after...well...after he got what he wanted from her,” she looked pointedly at Angel to make sure he understood the connotation. His head drooped slightly showing he got the meaning. “She was crushed, to say the least. Everything that she’d built back up in her life just came crashing down.”

“For a while we hardly saw her, she skipped classes, never answered the phone. But then all the sudden she seemed to, I don’t know, get over it maybe. We were all so worried about her, and so relieved when she stopped hiding herself away,” she sighed, running a hand through her hair. The toughest part was coming up. What’s she’d just told Angel was bad, but the worst had yet to be told.

“Go on,” Angel requested, although dreading whatever was left. He couldn’t believe that some guy would just use her like that. If he ever found out who the prick was, he was going to pay him a little visit.

“It only lasted for about a month. Then she just disappeared. No one knew where she was for maybe two weeks. When she came back she was completely different. She wouldn’t tell us where she had been, what had happened, nothing. Finally, she dropped out of school and just stopped talking to us altogether. We tried to keep being her friends but after a while we gave up. We couldn’t force her to be friends,” taking another sip of her juice, she glanced again at Angel. He looked just as perplexed as they had been back then at the changes in Buffy.

“The things that happened afterward we’re not real sure about, some of it we only heard from others, or saw glimpses of. From what we know she met some guy named Ford at a bar and started dating him. People told us that he was bad news, drugs, illegal stuff like that-“

“What?” yelled Angel, shocked by the revelation. “Buffy hated drugs. She never would have gotten involved with someone like that.

“I know Angel. It didn’t make any sense back then and it still doesn’t now. I tried to confront her about it once and she went off on me. Anyways, they were together for two years on and off. We ran into her a couple times and she didn’t look good. Once she had a black eye and scratches on her one arm. It was obvious that he was abusing her, but she didn’t care about anything we said to her or our offers to help,” stopping for a moment, Willow gave Angel some time to take in what she had just said. It had been hard for them back then, she could only imagine how Angel was taking the news.

“About a year ago she just showed up at my room one day, crying. She never did tell me why, except that she was scared. She never came back after that night. Then she was attacked,” Willow reached over to take Angel’s hand, hoping to offer him some comfort. But he quickly pulled away from her touch.

Angel didn’t know what to think. The Buffy he knew would have never gotten herself into a situation like that. He couldn’t even comprehend the idea of her being in an abusive relationship with a junkie. It just wasn’t her. What had happened to change her? And then there was the voice inside him telling him that none of it would have happened if he hadn’t broken up with her and left. How could this not all be his fault?

“W-what happened with attack?” Angel choked out, hardly able to form a complete sentence. His mind was just too overwhelmed, his heart broken for all that Buffy had been through.

“The police don’t really know what happened since she’s been in a coma and couldn’t tell them. But we’re all pretty sure about who attacked her. All they officially know is that someone called the police after they heard shouting and what sounded like a fight in an alley behind a bar, and when they arrived they found her lying there unconscious. No one claims to have seen anything or know anything. That’s pretty much everything I know,” Willow finished and looked down at her hands. She handed realized she’d been wringing them through the whole speech.

A full five minutes passed and Willow just continued to sit there watching Angel, waiting for him to say something. He hadn’t looked up since she’d finished telling him everything. He just sat there, staring down at nothing.

“Angel?”

“I-I....” he still couldn’t find the words to say anything.

“It’s a lot to take in, I know,” Willow sighed, wishing she had better things to tell him.

“I didn’t know, about any of it,” he replied, a solitary tear falling down his cheek.

“We figured that last night when you mentioned her. That’s why I brought you here," she stated, pulling her sweater tighter around her.

“It’s all my fault,” Angel cried out, feeling completely overcome with guilt. Every single thing that had had happened to her was all on his shoulders. None of it would have happened if he hadn’t done what he had five years earlier.

“What? Angel, no,” she replied gently, knowing what he was thinking.

“If I hadn’t left none of this would have happened,” he almost shouted at her.

“Angel...no....this is not your fault. I can’t tell you that what you did wasn’t wrong, but you didn’t cause this,” she disagreed. They’d all tried to take the blame for Buffy’s situation at one point or another.

“How can you say that? It is. It’s all my fault,” he retorted and hastily got up from the table.

“No. Yes, you hurt Buffy... a lot... when you left like you did. It destroyed her. We tried to help her, but none of us understood why you did it. But it’s not your fault she went down the path that she did. She’s responsible for her own actions,” Willow tried to explain, receiving no response whatsoever from Angel.

“You leaving may have been a catalyst, but she’s the one who made the choices she did. We’re all to blame, you for leaving, her for the decisions she made, even us. We knew she was in trouble, but we just stood there and watched. If we’d have tried harder maybe we could have prevented it. Don’t blame yourself Angel; it’s not your fault. And even if it was, blame isn’t going to change anything now,” Willow said trying her best to comfort him

Angel didn’t reply, he just sat back down at the table and poked at his eggs. He knew there was logic in what Willow was telling him, but it didn’t stop the guilt. It didn’t stop the feeling inside telling him he was responsible.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Part 5 – Relentless Guilt

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^< P>For nearly an hour, Angel and Willow sat in silence at the table on the patio. Neither knew what to say. One because she didn’t know how to comfort her friend who had just heard devastating news, and the other because all he could do was find ways to blame himself.

Willow knew that Angel still thought Buffy’s condition was his fault even thought she’d told him that the blame did not lie squarely on his shoulders. The look on his face told her all she needed to know. The sad part was, that she could see how he could place the blame on himself. Buffy had been a happy, carefree person up until Angel left her. His actions all those years ago had set in motion the downward spiral.

At the same time, she had truly meant what she said to him: that Buffy was responsible for her own choices. No one forced her to retreat into a shell after Angel left, no one made her stay with an abusive boyfriend. Those choices were hers, and hers alone.

In the end, though, no one, and everyone was to blame. Buffy’s situation was the culmination of many different things, some of which Willow was sure she didn’t even know, and may never know. The only way they would find out the whole story would be if Buffy woke up, and although she still hoped for it, it got harder and harder to do so each day.

For now, she realized, Angel just needed some time to let everything sink in. The guilt would probably always plague him, as it did all of them. Some days it was harder than others to not let it overwhelm her, but she deep down she knew that no one person was responsible for all that had happened.

"Hey Willow, just wanted to let you know I'm finished for the day and heading out." The now familiar male voice brought her out of the past and back to the present.

"Okay, thanks. Did everything go well?" she questioned as she turned to face the man talking to her.

"Yeah, same as usual," the new man replied, his gaze falling on Angel.

"Oh, I should introduce you. Angel, this is Riley Finn, Buffy's physical therapist. Riley, this is Angel Malloy, an old friend of ours and Buffy's," spoke Willow tiredly. The conversation with Angel seemed to have drained all of her energy.

Angel looked up to find a tall, stiff looking man with dark blonde hair, and a goofy smile. He made no effort to shake the man's hand, just said hi and looked back down to the nonexistent spot on the ground he had been staring at. He didn't know why, but he didn't like the oafish physical therapist.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

After speaking with Willow for a little longer, finding out anything else pertinent to Buffy, Angel helped her clear the dishes from breakfast before retreating back to Buffy’s room. Part of him never wanted to leave her side again, wanted to be there to do anything he could to help her, wanted to be there in case she woke up.

As he sat there by her bedside, Angel stared at her still form. He couldn’t help but notice the differences in her appearance from the last time he had seen her five years earlier. She was much thinner, her face boney, her eyes sunken. Her hair was still blonde, but it was shorter and lacked the luster it had always had.

Morbid curiosity caused him to pull back her covers and lift the hem of her shirt revealing her taut stomach. His eyes closed in sadness, tears welling in them at the sight. Five rough, jagged lines marred her once perfect skin. Not even eight months had made the scars from her attack disappear. They probably would remain forever.

Gently, his fingers traced each and every mark on her stomach. The tears in his eyes fell as he wished he could take them away, take it all away, and go back to when they’d been happy. Why had he been so stupid?

She should be out enjoying life, happy. She should be married to him, as she had wanted to be so long ago. Not lying in a bed, oblivious to the world around her. The echoes of blame just would not stop sounding throughout his head. If he’d never left, none of it would have happened.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

A few hours later, Angel returned to his apartment. He was mentally and physically exhausted. Seeing Buffy as he had rattled him to the core. The memories he had of her and the sight of her lying on the bed, unconscious, just did not match. It was as if they were two completely different people. But unfortunately, the reality was that they were one and the same. His beautiful, wonderful Buffy was the one in that bed.

His fingers grazed over a photograph of Buffy and himself at their junior prom. That had been one of the best nights of their lives. They’d danced, and laughed, and had fun with their friends. Afterwards, he’d taken Buffy to his parent’s beach house. There, underneath the moonlight on a blanket on the sand, they had both made love for the very first time. The experience had been magical, one he was not likely to ever forget.

Letting his hand fall to his side, Angel stood and stared at nothing. He felt completely lost. When he had moved back to Sunnydale, he had had a goal: to find some way for Buffy to forgive him and take him back. Now, he didn’t know if that would ever be possible. No one knew if she would ever wake up.

Running a hand through his hair, Angel decided to take a shower. He hoped that it would help clear his head a little. But as he stood there, letting the hot water crash into his body, he found himself silently weeping for his beloved. Images of her from their time together flashed through his head, coupled with the sight of her comatose body. This outcome was not what he had wanted at all. She was supposed to be happy. That's why he left her, so she could flourish and live, but instead he'd pushed her into darkness.

The unspoken reverie of guilt persisted until the water began to run cold. He quickly finished his shower, dressed, and then sank down on to his bed. His thoughts again, or rather still, were on focused on Buffy. The last five years of her life may damn well be his fault, and he could never take them back, but he could do whatever possible now to help. He vowed to himself that he would be there in whatever way he could for Joyce and Giles, for the gang, but mostly for Buffy. He owed it to her.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Part 6 – Tell Me Why

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Three weeks had passed and Angel was finally feeling settled in. Sunnydale was home again, almost like it was once before. Almost was the key word there. He was still missing one key piece of that puzzle: Buffy. His beloved was still in a coma. Her condition had not changed at all in the recent weeks, but he still had faith that she would be all right. It was all that kept him going at times. Even if when she awoke she wanted nothing to do with him. It only mattered that she got well and had a chance to be happy.

Angel hadn't forgotten his vow either, that he would help in any way possible. It was why he spent most of his free time at the Giles'. When Joyce and Giles had returned from their retreat he had spoken with them. Joyce was leery on letting him help, she still remembered the pain he caused Buffy. She softened after a while and they developed an amicable relationship since then. He would often run errands for her, or help out around the house, and he enjoyed the meaningful conversations he had with Giles over tea in the garden.

But it was his time with Buffy that meant the most. He didn't know if she knew he was there. He hoped she did. Sometimes he would read Irish poetry to her, other times he would tell her stories of his time away from Sunnydale, and every so often he would just sit with her, holding her hand, and stroking her hair. He hoped that his actions comforted her soul, even though the others believed that they were just meaningless gestures. To him, they meant everything.

Even though he spent large quantities of time with Buffy or her family, he managed to let the gang convince him to go out once or twice a week. Their relationship had improved greatly in the time he'd been back. Xander still looked upon him with hatred, but the others forgave him, or maybe they just pushed his previous actions to the back of their minds. Angel had to admit that it was nice to hang with the group again. They were the best friends he'd ever had, but it wasn't the same without Buffy there.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

"Hey Will, how's my favorite red head doing?" asked Xander after Willow arrived and sat down at the table he'd chosen at the Espresso place.

"Xander...aren't I the only red head you know?" Willow replied with a glare.

"Oh....yeah, right. You still didn't answer my question," grinned Xander, taking a gulp of his coffee.

"I'm good, tired though. Work was busy. I love setting up computer systems, but everyone wants their problem solved before everyone else's," sighed Willow in exasperation.

"That's the only negative about having a job, you have to deal with people. I had some guy come to the office today to tell me that he wanted the blueprints for his building changed when we're starting the job tomorrow,” related Xander. “So anyway, we hangin' tonight, ya know, Friday? Bronze?"

"I think so, Oz is in LA with the band, but I'm free. I haven't asked Angel yet though," spoke Willow, knowing that Xander still wasn’t keen on the fact that Angel was back.

"Angel," Xander said mockingly.

"You're going to have to get over it sooner or later Xander," Willow stated with a pointed look at her friend.

"I've been nice. Haven't I been nice? Doesn't mean I have to like him!" he replied. He just didn’t understand how everyone could forget about what Angel had done.

"Why can't you just let it go?" prodded Willow. And men claimed women were the one’s who held grudges!

"Willow, Angel was my best friend for how long...eight years? And one day he just up and dumps his girlfriend, and leaves town without saying goodbye or ever talking to us again. I can't forgive him for what he did to Buffy," explained Xander with a shake of his head.

"You know as well as I do that what happened wasn't his fault, or at least not all his fault. I'm angry with him too for what he did, but it’s in the past. We can't change it. We've all made some bad choices in our lives," reminded Willow.

"I know. I just wish I knew why he did it. Why he left," Xander relayed of the issue that bothered him most.

"Well, why don't you ask him?" concluded Willow. Men never took the easy solution to anything.

"Do you ever *not* think so logically?" responded Xander with a scowl.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Later that evening Angel found himself sitting out in the garden at the Giles'. After a stressful week at their jobs, Joyce and Giles had decided to enjoy an early evening out, leaving Angel pretty much alone at the house except for Buffy and her nurse. He was almost glad they weren't home. He very rarely got to spend time by himself, except when he was with Buffy, but that was different.

Now, he found himself sitting on a bench, staring up at the stars. The air around him was utterly still, the only sounds to be heard came from the small fountain a few feet away. He'd missed evenings like this, just absorbing nature all around him. The clouds above him shifted allowing a bright streak of moonlight to fall before him. Glancing back up at the stars, Angel wondered if Buffy's spirit was up there somewhere watching him, and if it would ever return to her body.

"Enjoying your brooding?" came a voice to his right.

Angel looked up to find Xander standing a few feet away.

"I wasn't brooding, just sitting," he answered. "What are you doing here?"

"Came to see if you are coming out with us tonight...and yes, you were brooding," corrected Xander with a smirk.

"Haven't decided yet." Angel ignored Xander's last statement.

"And I came to talk to you," Xander conceded after taking a deep breath. He wasn’t quite sure he wanted to have this conversation with Angel.

"So talk," requested Angel. He had known this confrontation was forthcoming. Xander was the only one of the group not willing to let go of the past and give him a chance to make amends.

"Why'd you do it man?" Xander questioned, anger slightly tinting his words.

"What?" Angel responded, even though he knew what he was referring to.

"Leave like you did," furthered Xander, honestly wanting to know the reasons behind his friend’s actions.

"Because I thought it was the right thing to do," Angel stated simply even though he knew it wasn’t enough of an explanation.

"In what universe? You weren't here. You didn't see how hurt and lost she was," replied Xander sharply, his mind drifting back to right after Angel had first left.

"I know," Angel cringed.

"So tell me why," spat Xander

Angel sighed and ran his hand through his hair. He knew there was no way Xander would understand why he did it and accept it, because he couldn't even accept his own actions anymore. Not when they'd caused so much pain for everyone, not just Buffy. At the time, though, he'd had a reason. One that he thought was valid. So he explained, or tried to explain, to Xander about the decision he made five years earlier. When he finished he just sat there and waited for Xander to react.

"You said you thought it was right *then*, and what, you're not so sure now?" posed Xander, not wanting to admit that he could somewhat understand Angel’s reasoning for what he had done.

"No, I'm not. How can I be when everyone around has been hurt by me leaving? Buffy most of all, but not just her, you guys, her family. You've all suffered. How can I still believe what I did was right when all this has happened?" said Angel as he stood up and walked toward the fountain.

"It's not about that. It’s about choice. You took hers away. I can't blame you for all that happened afterwards. Like Willow said, Buffy made her own choices. You can't be held responsible for them, but you took her choice away. A relationship isn't a one way street. You're both in it together. She should have had a say in what direction your future was going in," spoke Xander, the rare clarity of thoughts surprising even himself.

Angel turned to stare slightly at Xander, more than a little shocked at his truthful, concise words. "When did you get so wise?"

"It's a rare moment, don't get used to it. But do you see what I'm saying?" asked Xander, hoping he’d made his point.

"Yeah, I guess I do. I just wanted to do the right thing and obviously I didn't," shrugged Angel as he sat back down on the bench.

"Not gonna argue with you there. And I'm not gonna say I'm not still pissed off at you, because I am," Xander iterated, making sure Angel understood that he was not entirely forgiven.

"I know, I can understand that," Angel replied, giving a nod of head in acceptance.

"Good. Now that that’s out of the way…are you coming to The Bronze tonight?" Xander asked, grateful to get away from serious conversation topics.

"Yeah, probably. I'm going to go sit with Buffy until Giles and Joyce get back and then I'll meet you guys there," Angel stated. He would have been happier spending the night with Buffy, but he knew it was good to get out once in a while.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Part 7 – Forgotten Memories

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Another week passed by and life remained at status quo for the members of the Sunnydale gang. Each went about their lives as best they could. They went to work, ate, slept, and commiserated with one another. But life went on, and there were happy times.

The first couple months after Buffy's attack had been agonizing for them, but as time passed the girl in the coma became less pressing on their minds. They still worried, still and hoped, but they couldn't allow their lives to revolve around her. So they continued on with their lives, moved forward, but never really forgetting.

Angel dejectedly accepted the fact that four weeks had passed since his arrival back home. That detail held little merit except it unfortunately meant it was time for him to start his job. For a moment he wondered if he should quit the job, but quickly realized it wasn't a valid idea. He needed to work. If anything it would give him a focus other than Buffy.

Even he realized that devoting his entire life to her was a little on the unhealthy side...plus the monetary income would be rather helpful. The job itself didn't make him nervous in the least bit. Angel was quite confident in his abilities. What made him nervous was having something take up so much of his time.

From the time he learned of Buffy's condition, he spent hours a day with her, or in the vicinity. He did anything possible to be of assistance because he just wanted to be useful. Or maybe it was just a vain attempt to repent for past wrongs. Regardless, it meant that he was often nearby in case, well, in case *anything* happened. But now he wasn't going to be able to be there as much, wouldn't be able to hold her delicate hand, caress her silky cheeky, silently beg her to wake up…or anything as much as he had.

Angel knew the others discussed amongst themselves about how it would be better if he weren't there if she were to someday wakeup. He hated them for it, but he also understood. Having her wake up and look upon him with seething hatred would be unbearable, but at least he would know she was going to live, and have another chance to be happy. That was all her wanted.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Willow awoke and glanced at the clock to her right. It was eleven a.m., on a Thursday. She reveled in that fact. She'd decided to take the day off to spend some time with Joyce, who seemed a bit depressed, and also to get some extra rest since she'd been feeling not quite herself lately. No matter how much sleep she got her body was always fatigued. She assumed the stress of the last eight months was finally catching up with her. Grumbling at the thought of leaving her warm bed, she forced herself to get up and shower. She had promised Joyce she would have lunch with her today.

A few hours later, satisfyingly fed and relaxed, Willow decided she would use the afternoon to straighten up Buffy's room as she had taken to doing every so often the last few months. With all the people traipsing in and out of the room daily, and the constant barrage of flowers and gifts, the room took a beating. The little bit of cleaning she did was reassuring to her that she was doing something useful.

As Willow entered Buffy's room she eyed the flower arrangements that were scattered about. Giles had new ones delivered every few days. He said they made the room more welcoming, and he was right, they did. The others often brought things once in a while as well, stuffed animals, pictures, cards, flowers. And Willow had saved all that she could, the flowers, of course, couldn't be saved, but the other stuff remained in the room, waiting there for Buffy to awake and see how much her friends and family cared about her.

Sighing to herself for no reason, Willow set about the task at hand. She threw away some of the dying flowers, gave fresh water to the newer ones, and arranged the new stuffed animal arrivals. A soundless giggle echoed in her head as she looked at the menacing plush hyena that Xander had brought the week before. Only Xander could pick out something like that she noted.

Once all the various room decorations were tended to, Willow pulled out the dust rag that had been stored in her pocket and worked on ridding the room of the annoying little particles that constantly reappeared. A moment later the silence of the room was broken by a slight sound from behind her.

"Willow?"

Willow spun around quickly in response to the almost inaudible call of her name. Her eyes widened in pleasant shock at the revelation before her.

"Buffy?" she whispered, hardly able to form words at all.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Across town Angel sat silently in a meeting with his coworkers who were discussing ideas for upcoming stories. He didn't yet feel quite comfortable with his new job to be an active participant in the discussion, but he still gave his opinion when asked.

As he sat listening to the words being spoken a sudden feeling washed over his body, dizzying his mind. Moments later an image of Buffy flashed in front of his eyes. 'Oh god', he thought to himself, knowing instinctively that something was wrong, but not having a clue as to what.

He wanted desperately to dash out of the room and run to her, but he couldn't and part of him wasn't sure if he wanted to. Did he want to know if her condition had suddenly worsened? Did he want to arrive at her house to find her awake and looking at him in distaste? He honestly didn’t know. Sometimes ignorance really was bliss.

So he just stayed where he was, listening to the droning words of his colleagues. Despite his indecision on wanting to find out what had happened, Angel knew that the second the meeting was over he would be out the door and on the way to Buffy. His only thought was that he hoped that, whatever it was, she was all right.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Hours seemed to pass as Willow stood and stared at the frail blonde girl before her., the unexpected shock of her awakening overloading her mind. Finally she shook herself out of the daze she’d lapsed into and rushed over to her once best friend and embraced her in a firm hug.

“Oh my god, Buffy,” choked out Willow, tears running down her face.

“What’s going on?” the confused blonde asked.

As she continued to embrace her friend, Willow began to worry about what to do. Other than Buffy’s nurse she was the only one home. Giles was at work, Joyce had gone out to run a few errands, so it was just her. Fortunately they all had discussed with the doctor what to do if she woke up. It had been decided that they would tell her the bare minimum of details because they had no idea what she would remember of the events preceding her attack and usually it was preferred that a patient remember trauma on their own accord. Remembering this decision Willow pulled back from Buffy.

“I’ll explain in a minute, I have to go get someone first,” replied Willow.

A minute later she returned with the day nurse who, aside from being shocked at the young girl’s recent turn of events, checked all of her vitals to make sure that she was doing okay. Once she had completed her exam she left the room to place a call to Buffy’s doctor to inform him of the change in the patient’s condition.

Upon her exit, Willow found herself in the position to be the one to have to tell Buffy about all that had happened. Well, at least the parts that were absolutely necessary to tell her, and truth be told, there was a lot that neither she, nor any of the others knew and therefore they couldn’t fill in those blanks anyway.

“You changed you hair,” commented Buffy, not knowing what else to say, and also rather confused at how different her friend looked.

“Yeah, I did it a while ago,” frowned Willow, her mind beginning to grow even more nervous.

“A while ago? How long have I been out?” questioned Buffy, realizing that she’d obviously been unconscious.

“You’ve been in a coma…for a while. What do you remember?” Willow questioned. It was the best way to determine what memories Buffy held of her attack.

“I…I, uh…that psych project for Prof Walsh is the only thing coming to mind,” Buffy answered with a scrunched brow. Everything in her head was hazy and confusing.

Willow fought to contain the shock she felt at the answer she’d received. They had taken that class together freshmen year…which was four or so years ago. The implications of this were setting into Willow’s mind. Was that the most recent thing Buffy remembered? If so then that meant there was a whole lot she didn’t, and not just the attack. She thought for a minute and tried to figure out how to proceed.

“What year are you in college?” she asked cautiously.

“Huh? We’re freshmen, duh…what’s up with you?” Buffy replied incredulously, her hand going up to rub her aching head. She didn’t understand why Willow had asked her that.

“Buffy…I’m not a freshman anymore. I graduated from college over a year ago,” spoke Willow slowly. She knew her words were going to come as a shock to her block friend.

“What???” Buffy yelped, her voice cracking from disuse. Willow had graduated? How was that possible?

Finally deciding to take the plunge, Willow set about telling Buffy some of all that had gone on, leaving out the parts that were best for her to remember on her own.

“You’ve been in a coma for almost nine months. There was an attack, you were stabbed and beaten, and since then you’ve been in a coma,” she explained while holding Buffy’s right hand in hers.

Buffy remained silent and let Willow’s answer sink into her brain. She searched her memory for any signs of what Willow had just told her, but nothing stood out. She remembered nothing at all about an attack, but from her psych class she remembered that this was common in people who just woke up from a coma. A thought then struck her. A nine month coma didn’t work with Willow finishing three more years of college.

“You finished college? How? I don’t remember finishing college,” Buffy stated, a feeling of helplessness growing in her.

“The doctor told us before that you could have some memory loss when you wake up so I guess that’s what’s going on. But we’ll have to wait until he sees you. The nurse called him so hopefully he will be here soon,” comforted Willow, her heart breaking for her friend. “You look a little tired so why don’t you try to get some sleep, ok?”

A thousand thoughts were swirling through Buffy’s head. Everything was so muttled, and the more Willow talked the more confused she got. It felt like there was so much she was missing and it hurt her head to try and think about it. Maybe some sleep would be helpful. Maybe when she woke up this would all be a bad dream and everything would be back to normal.

“Yeah, I think some sleep might be good,” she replied unenthusiastically.

Willow gave her a quick hug before slipping from the room as Buffy lay back and closed her eyes. She felt like her world was crashing down around her…again. She tried to understand the fact that the last thing she remembered happened almost four years earlier, but she couldn’t. And then there was the reason for her coma. An attack. Someone had stabbed and beaten her. It just made no sense.

Turning over, Buffy buried her head in her pillow, silent tears soaking the cream colored material. She remained that way for nearly a half hour until exhaustion had taken over. Finally drifting off into a fitful sleep, one thought sounded deep inside her mind: what had she ever done to deserve the things that had happened to her?

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Part 8 – Anticipation

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Author’s Notes: This part is not yet the one your are all waiting for. This one deals with some of the more technical aspects of the storyline. The medical jargon should be close to accurate. I figured I might as well put my psychology degree to use for something! So yeah, basic storyline development here. The next part will be B/A!

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Only fifteen minutes later, Buffy awoke abruptly from her sleep. Her mind was racing, but as she tried to grasp at the thoughts they slipped away. Running a hand through her hair, she noticed the layer of perspiration coating her forehead. What had caused her to wake up? And why had she broken into a sweat during the little bit of sleep she had gotten?

Buffy lay in her bed, eyes closed, mind absorbing everything that had occurred only a short while ago. As she had earlier, she tried to make sense of it all. Attacked…coma…nine months…missing memory…at least three years of missing memory.

Tears formed in her eyes as she thought about all these things. Nothing felt real, she didn’t feel real. She searched through her memories for anything that could tell her something, but there was nothing. It was like the world ended at a certain point during her freshmen year in college, and nothing happened after that.

As Buffy continued to lay there processing all that she knew, her mind went back to Willow and not exactly what she had told her, but the way she had told her. If there was one thing Buffy remembered without a doubt, it was the personality of her best friend. There had been something in Willow’s eyes when she had talked to her. She couldn’t quite place it, but it seemed like there was so much emotion hidden in them. She felt as though there was something big that Willow hadn’t told her, and it didn’t quite feel like a good thing.

The pounding in her head was ever increasing with all the confusing thoughts floating around. The only thing she wanted was for all this to go away. For everything to be back to the way it used to be when she was happy, carefree, and possessed all her memories. She wrapped her arms around herself and began to cry, wishing heavily that it would all just not be real...and she wished, just for a moment, that *he* was there to hold her.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Two hours later Buffy’s closest family and friends were seated in the Giles’ family room. Xander and Cordy on the loveseat, their hands clasped, Willow and Oz stood behind them, Joyce was seated in one chair, and Giles in another. The only person missing was Angel. Willow had called him but gotten his voicemail so she just left him a message to give her a call when he got back. She’d tried to make the message sound casual so he wouldn’t panic. And now they were all waiting for the doctor to come downstairs and talk to them. He’d arrived a half hour earlier and went straight up to check over Buffy and talk to her.

Finally, he arrived in the family room and began to brief them on Buffy’s condition. “It appears as though Willow’s assumption is correct. She has no recollection of any event after the early part of her freshmen year of college, which was approximately three and a half years ago. This really shouldn’t come as a surprise since I suggested it may occur. But there’s no reason to believe she won’t regain her memories,” he explained and then glanced around the room. After seeing that they were all listening intently, he continued.

“I have to admit, the length of the missing period of time is rather distressing. Usually in cases of severe trauma such as this, the memory loss surrounds the event, but Buffy’s goes back much further. This could be the result of the coma and injury to the brain…or considering what you’ve told me about the past few years of her life, she could be unconsciously repressing it all. It’s possible she’s regressed to a point when her life wasn’t so traumatic, so to speak,” enlightened the doctor in as comforting a voice as he could muster. These types of situations were never easy to deal with.

“Repressing? You mean she’s intentionally forgetting it all?” questioned Joyce, her brow furrowed slight as she expressed the same thought that the others had.

“I wouldn’t say intentionally. It’s a coping mechanism for the brain. When the mind becomes overwhelmed it finds ways to ‘work around’ the distressing information. In Buffy’s case, it’s blocking access to four or so years worth of memories. That is, if it is indeed a case of repression. As I said, it’s also possible that the injuries themselves have destroyed the memories. Unfortunately there’s not much I, or any of you, can do other than just wait and see,” the doctor clarified.

“What do we do in the mean time, or more precisely, how are we to act around her?” requested Giles, his heart aching for his step daughter. She’d been through so much already, and now this.

“The most important thing to do, is *not* to sit down and explain to her everything that’s happened in the last four years. For it to feel real to her it’s best to try and let her remember. There’s obviously going to be a lot of things you have to tell her, but it’s best if you only reveal more mundane facts such as what your jobs are or trips you’ve taken. Items that are more specifically related to her you shouldn’t just come out and tell her,” he stated somewhat forcefully so that they would understand the importance of his words.

“If she’s going to remember, it will most likely start as little flashes or images she can’t place but feels a familiarity to. These can often be triggered by something currently going on around her. Hopefully as she heals the memories will come back, but as I said, I can not guarantee that,” he added knowing that there were no guarantees that their loved one would ever regain all of her lost memories.

“What are the chances that she will get them back?” Willow questioned as she held tightly onto Oz’s hand. They’d all known that memory loss was a possibility, but having it actually occur was completely different.

“I can’t say for sure since we don’t know for sure the true cause of the loss. Memory loss and brain injuries are still such an unknown subject in the medical community,” the doctor sighed, wishing he could tell them something more definite.

“The good news though, is that other than the memory loss, her physical condition is quite well. I would like her to continue to see her physical therapist to rebuild her muscle strength and coordination. It’s best to keep her from being too active for time being until she’s recovered a bit more. I would also suggest having her see a psychologist. She’s going to be very frustrated and will likely lash out because of her lack of memory. A therapist will help her deal with the situation, and also if the traumatic memories start to return, he or she will be valuable in her recovery from the events,” finished the doctor as he glanced at his watch and saw that he must leave.

“Of course doctor. We will do anything required of us in order to ensure her recovery,” Giles answered firmly. Buffy’s medical bills were already astronomical, but neither he nor Joyce cared, just as long as she got better.

The doctor then said his good-byes to the assembled group and was accompanied to the door by Mrs. Giles. The others remained in the living room digesting all that the doctor had told them. If there was one thing they knew for sure, the coming weeks, maybe months, were going to be very had and stressful.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Angel’s meeting finally ended, unfortunately it had lasted a couple hours. Of course he didn’t really remember much after he felt something going on with Buffy. He was torn between getting up and running out of the meeting, and cowering in a corner somewhere afraid to hear the news, whatever it was. As soon as the meeting ended though, his need got the best of him and he dashed out to his car, not even returning to his office to gather his things or to check his messages.

The only thing on Angel’s mind was Buffy, and whether or not she was all right. Something inside him was saying that she was fine, that he would have felt something different if the unacceptable had happened. This didn’t calm his nerves though. What if she woke up and was severely brain damaged? What if she was paralyzed? Numerous possibilities ran through his head on the journey to the Giles’ residence.

As he pulled into the driveway he saw several cars stationed in front of the house, a sure sign that his feeling that something had changed was indeed correct. He prayed to whatever high power existed that everything was all right, that his beloved would once again be able to find happiness.

Finally Angel managed to pull himself out of his car make his way into the house. Upon entering he heard quiet voices coming from the family room. He approached slowly, remaining a few feet from the entrance. Inside he saw that *everyone* was there. They seemed to be deeply engrossed in conversation with expressions that were a mix of worry and happiness upon their faces. Not realizing it, Angel just stood there for what seemed like hours, but was really only a few minutes.

Angel snapped out of his daze when he heard Willow calling his name and found that she was standing right in front of him.

“What’s going on Willow?” queried Angel worriedly.

Willow sighed and quietly led Angel into the room where the others were seated. After looking around at her friends and surrogate family, she realized they expected her to break the news to Angel. So that’s what she did. She told him all that had happened that afternoon, and all that the doctor had told them, leaving nothing out. During the whole explanation Angel remained seated, his gaze directed downwards at his hands, not saying a word.

The silence hung in the room for a few minutes after Willow finished speaking. All eyes were focused on Angel, who had still yet to say anything. Each member of the group knew, that despite his past actions, the man before them still loved Buffy deeply. They would have had to have been blind not to see it.

Inside Angel’s head he was trying to put everything he’d heard together. Honestly, he wasn’t even sure he’d taken in most of it. As soon as the words ‘she’s awake’ had come out of Willow’s mouth he zoned out. The phrase just kept repeating over and over in his head and his heart soared with the news. She was awake, she was going to be okay.

His thoughts finally turned to the other things what Willow had said…memory loss. It shouldn’t have surprised him, they’d all been warned it could happen, but still it was a shock to hear. Especially the extent of the loss. Despite all this, there was only one thing that he wanted to do at the moment.

“Can I see her?” Angel at last choked out.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Quietly, Willow entered Buffy’s room. She didn’t want to wake her if she was asleep since the doctor had said she needed as much rest as possible. However, when she walked into the room she found Buffy not in her bed, but sitting knees to chest on the window seat, staring out at the night.

“Hey, you ok?” questioned Willow softly.

“Huh? Oh, hey Willow. Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just all…overwhelming, ya know?” Buffy responded, not removing her eyes from their gaze outdoors.

“I can imagine. I wish there was more I could do for you,” said Willow sympathetically.

“It’s okay, just having you here helps,” Buffy said in a near whisper. The confusion in her head had not lessened at all. All she wanted was for things to be the way they used to be.

“Is there anything you need…food?...magazines?...a hug?” the red head smiled sheepishly. There had to be something she could do to help her friend.

“Not really hungry and I don’t think my brain could handle even mindless reading right now, but I wouldn’t say now to a hug,” shrugged Buffy. Really, all she wanted was to be left alone. Maybe then she’d be able to find answers to all the questions in her head if she thought about them long enough.

Willow smiled at her sadly. It was obvious how much pain her friend was in, and it wasn’t even physical pain, it was all emotional. The kind she couldn’t really do much to help ease, and that’s what annoyed her the most, that there wasn’t really anything that she could do.

Instead she just had to be there for Buffy, and support her no matter what. And if that included lots and lots of hugs, then that’s just what she would do. So she strode over to where Buffy was sitting and embraced her warmly, hoping that in some small way it eased her pain.

“Thanks Will, I don’t know what I’d do without you here,” Buffy said in response.

“Anytime, I’ll be your personal hug machine,” answered Willow with a grin.

“I might just take ya up on that,” chuckled Buffy sadly before returning her eyes to where they had been watching out the window.

Both girls remained silent for a few minutes, not knowing what to say to each other, mostly just enjoying each other’s presence.

“Are you up for a visitor,” Willow spoke.

“Sure,” replied Buffy without much thought, her mind still focused on her internal thoughts and staring off into the night. It was probably just one of the gang anyway. They’d all been in earlier, but they probably wanted to see her again.

“Ok, if you’re sure. I’ll send him in,” Willow replied somewhat nervously. She had no idea how Buffy was going to react to her visitor.

Him? Buffy thought to herself, must be Xander. He was the only *him* she knew other than Giles. So when she heard the door open she didn’t bother to look away from the window, figuring he’d just come over and plop down next to her. It wasn’t until she heard the voice say ‘Buffy’ that she snapped her head around to stare into the eyes of the man who had spoken her name.

“Angel?” she whispered, tears already cascading down her cheeks.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Part 9 – Hold Me

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^< P>Moments passed as Buffy and Angel remained rooted in place. Angel, despite the fact that he had seen her so often the past few weeks, felt as if his eyes were gazing upon her for the first time in five years. It was one thing to see her lying unconscious on a bed but to see her awake and staring intently at him was entirely different. His heart leapt at the feel of her hazel eyes boring into him.

Buffy, on the other hand, found it impossible to suppress the shock of seeing the man that was now before her. She had expected Xander, or maybe even Giles. To find Angel only a few feet away was overwhelming. Tears prickled her eyes at the sight.

Without realizing what she was doing, Buffy launched herself into Angel’s arms. The stress of waking up from the coma and the revelation of the memory loss was too much to bear. All she felt was an overpowering, unconscious need to be held in Angel’s strong arms, to feel his muscled body pressed against hers.

The last thing Angel expected was for Buffy to come running to him, but that’s not to say that he minded at all. When she was in his arms again for the first time in so many years, everything felt right once more. He once wondered if he would ever be in this position again, to hold his goddess so close to his heart. And now that she was there he felt as though he would give up anything to remain like that forever, forgetting all the pain, the anger, and whatever else tried to intrude on their bliss.

As he continued to hold her, Angel heard soft sobs emanating from her mouth. There was no need to ask her what was wrong, he could only imagine the things she must be feeling. Being told that there were four years of your memories missing had to be devastating. So he just held her, his left his caressing the small of her back, his right stroking through her blonde tresses.

Buffy continued to softly cry in his arms for how long, neither of them knew. Angel felt her body growing slack and realized that she must be exhausted. Without asking permission, he gently scooped up her tiny body and carried her over to the bed. After he pulled back the sheets he laid her down, but as he went to move away and cover her with the sheets and comforter she held on to him tightly. The request was not vocalized, but as he had always been able to, he understood the unspoken question and knew that she just wanted to be held.

His thoughts warred inside his head over whether he should or not. Part of him relished the idea of cradling her body against his as she slept, but another part told him that once she regained her senses a bit she probably wouldn’t be too happy with him. It took only one look at her saddened, sleepy face to make the decision.

Angel shed his coat and shoes and slipped into the bed next to her. The moment he was comfortably positioned she shifted over next to him and laid her head down on his chest. Inwardly sighing contentedly, Angel wrapped his right arm around her.

Shortly thereafter he heard her breathing even out and knew she’d fallen asleep. Realizing he was quite tired as well, Angel closed his eyes, the last thought before he fell into a slumber beside his beloved being that he would do anything possible to earn her forgiveness and have many more nights like the one he was currently experiencing.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Outside the room, Willow waited for the former couple to complete their visit. She was more than a little worried that the it might turn into a shouting match. She had no idea how Buffy was going to handle seeing Angel again. With four years worth of missing memories she could only imagine that Angel’s departure must still be raw for Buffy.

As she waiting and waited, she heard nothing. Not even the slightest hint of raised voices. So she just remained seated outside the room by herself. All the others had gone home or retired to their rooms leaving her to deal with any situation that might arise.

After waiting for a half an hour, Willow decided she should check to see what was going on, and she wanted to make sure Buffy was okay. The doctor had said she needed plenty of rest and she didn’t think that a confrontation with Angel was healthy for Buffy at the moment.

Opening the door quietly, Willow peered into the room to find it lit only by the slight glow from the nearly full moon outside. On the bed she saw the figures of her two friends twined together in a seemingly blissful sleep. With a slight smile on her face, Willow backed out of the room, closed the door and headed off to her own little piece of heaven, sleep with Oz.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

The morning sun was slowly inching its way towards the sleeping bodies. Neither had woken once during the night, both finding peace in the most relaxing sleep they’d had in years.

With a sigh, the small blonde was the first of the two to drift back to consciousness. When she did she found herself staring at the face of a man who was the love of her life. In his arms was the one place she always felt safe and truly loved.

Smiling, she reached out and softly caressed his face. He was so incredibly handsome, and his body was so hard, yet so soft and welcoming. She wished his eyes were open so that she could peer into the deep chocolate brown orbs and see the gentle soul they were windows to. Instead she settled for snuggling up closer to him, relishing the feeling of his body so close to hers.

At the feeling of a moving form beside him, Angel slowly came out of the deep sleep he had been in. As he rose further out of his sleep induced daze the scent that was uniquely Buffy assaulted his senses. It was a smell that he would recognize anywhere and had missed so much in the preceding years. A mixture of vanilla and sunshine, and something that could only be described as Buffy. So enticing and natural.

Gradually he opened his eyes, blinking against the harsh morning sun that had now cast its light upon them. He must have made a slight movement because Angel soon found himself gazing down into hazel green eyes that were staring at him.

“Hey,” was all that he could think to say.

“Hey back,” Buffy yawned to him.

“Did you sleep well,” he asked and pushed a stray hair out of her eyes, a gesture that seemed all too familiar to both.

“Yeah, like a rock. Feels like I hadn’t slept in ages before that...which is dumb considering I was asleep for nine months or whatever,” she joked lamely, not sure what to say to the man next to her.

“Are you feeling better?” he questioned softly. The act of talking to her warmed his soul after having spent so much time sitting next to her still body on the bed. But he knew that at some point, she would come to realize how strange his presence was.

“Much. I’m sorry I jumped you last night and cried all over you. Great impression to make huh?” she answered, her eyes looking away from him out of embarrassment.

“I didn’t mind at all. I’m glad I could be here for you,” Angel reassured as he lightly stroked her back.

At the strange rumbling sound coming from Buffy’s stomach, he chuckled. “Your hungry.”

“Yeah, food would be of the good,” Buffy replied, blushing slightly.

“I can go get some food and bring it up to you,” he offered with a smile.

“Actually, I think I’d like to get out of this room and eat somewhere else, like the kitchen or something.” After a pause and slightly scowling she continued, “well, not that I know where the kitchen is. Willow said this is my mom and Giles’ house. Weird. Them married. Kinda hard to digest.”

“We can go to the kitchen. I know where it is. Are you sure you’re feeling up to going down? You must still be weak,” he replied, unable to stop the edge of concern in his voice.

“I think I can make it, dunno, I haven’t moved around to much,” she shrugged, unsure herself if she would be able to do it.

“Ok, if you’re sure, but don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it,” stated Angel knowing Buffy’s stubborn streak.

The two then began the task of getting out of bed. Although neither said it, they both regretted moving from their positions. The loss of body contact struck them both profoundly. Neither would have objected to spending the whole day in bed. But unfortunately, there were other things that had to be addressed outside of their personal comfort.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

The walk to the kitchen was slow going, especially the stairs. Buffy’s weak body and muscles were not used to all the movement and protested loudly, but the ever stubborn Buffy refused to let Angel carry her. Instead she allowed him to support her with his arm around her waist. By the time they made it to the kitchen she was nearly panting from the exertion of the trip.

After Angel seated Buffy in one of the kitchen chairs he set about preparing her favorite breakfast: pancakes. She grinned happily as he made the food for her. Halfway through breakfast the two were assaulted by a worried Joyce and Willow who had gone to check on Buffy and found her room empty. Both were relieved and ecstatic to see her up and about, her voice alone lifting their spirits. Angel prepared more food and the four sat down and finished breakfast together.

There wasn’t much talk as they ate. Angel, Willow and Joyce spoke little for fear of revealing something to Buffy that was better for her not to know yet and also out of sheer lack of things to say. Buffy remained quiet out of pure uncomfort being around the group of people. She sensed their nervousness which only made her nervous.

Once breakfast was over, Willow reluctantly left so that she could go to work. Even though it was Saturday, she had to go in and finish and important project. Joyce, on the other hand, went off to make phone calls and set up appointments for Buffy which included a follow up with her doctor, informing her physical therapist of her new condition, and contacting a psychologist for Buffy to meet with since the doctor had strongly advised for it.

Buffy and Angel alone remained in the kitchen. After Angel finished cleaning up from their breakfast she asked if they could go outside for a few minutes. Angel happily acquiesced. He took her out to the bench in the garden near the fountain that he often found himself sitting on when he needed to think.

They didn’t speak to each other. Instead they just sat in the early morning sun, Buffy’s head reclined on his shoulder, their hands unintentionally grasping each other. For Angel, he reveled in the utter closeness to her after so long. The sight of her up and moving and talking after seeing her so still in the bed for weeks brought joy to his heart. It was all that he could have asked for.

But in the back of his mind he knew it was temporary, that there was going to be a bumpy road ahead of them. Buffy’s happiness around him would only last for so long. As far as he knew, she still possessed the memories of their breakup and that it would only be a matter of time before she realized that he hadn’t just been gone for a few months but rather almost five years. He knew that her need to be close to him at the moment was derived from confusion and emotional pain and he suspected that she hadn’t consciously thought about the fact that they had broken up. But that would only last so long. Eventually she would question his presence. Until then, he would be there for her, comfort her, hold her, love her.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Part 10 – Why Are You Here

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Angel groaned and slumped back against the cool tiled wall of the shower. He was emotionally worn-out. The hours he spent with Buffy had been incredible, wonderful, amazing or any other positive adjective. But at the same time they had been draining.

He’d spent half the time with her worrying about when she would suddenly realize that he shouldn’t have been there at all. And the other half the time he was caught up in comforting her. Not that he minded, but it was definitely challenging on an emotional level.

They had spent an hour after breakfast just sitting outside. Occasionally they would speak, but mostly there was only silence. Angel had no idea what to say to her. Part of that was because he didn’t want to accidentally say something that she was not yet ready to hear or something that would snap her back into the reality where he had dumped her five years prior. And the other part was because he just honestly wasn’t sure what to say to her.

How do you talk to someone who you hadn’t spoken to in five years and who also had just come out of a nine month coma? That was a question he had absolutely no answer to. So to keep from saying the wrong thing, he mostly just said nothing. But he didn’t think she minded. It wasn’t lost on him that Buffy seemed to be completely overwhelmed by her situation.

For the most part, she had been fine throughout the morning. But, then, apparently, the stress had overtaken her and led to a raging crying fit. It had started out as something simple. She had wanted to take a shower and as she went to go it suddenly occurred to her that she had no idea where the shower was or even how to get back to her room. In her mind, she’d never been in the house before.

The frustration at her lack of knowledge tumbled quickly into the small breakdown which afterwards left her exhausted. Helpless to do anything else, Angel only held her and then carried her up to her bed and sat while she slept for an hour.

Upon awakening, her doctor and the psychologist Joyce had contacted were waiting to see her. With a promise to return later, Angel had left to return to his apartment in order to shower and change his clothes. Which was what he was doing at the moment. The alone time also gave him space to gather himself back together, to try and restore some of his energy before heading back over to the Giles’. Even though he was emotionally tired, he couldn’t wait to return to his beloved.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

After knocking softly on the door Willow peeked her head into Buffy’s room. She didn’t want to wake her but was eager to see how her day had gone. Stepping further into the room, Willow found Buffy sitting in one of the plush chairs going through a large stack of cards. They were the ones that she had saved while Buffy had been in a coma.

“Hey,” Willow spoke softly.

Buffy turned and smiled when she saw her friend standing their. “Hey. How was work?”

“Same as always….work-like. How was your day?” she questioned as she sat in the other chair in the room. Willow couldn’t help but feel happy inside at Buffy’s apparent happiness to see her. It had been a long time since they had been true friends.

“It was…okay…I guess. It’s just all so weird. Nothing here is familiar,” shrugged Buffy, not particularly wanting to talk about her lack of memories at the moment.

“Where’s Angel?” prodded Willow sensing Buffy’s preference to not talk about her condition.

“He went…home…to change and stuff,” she answered, shaking her head slightly at the weird feeling that passed through her at the word ‘home’. She couldn’t help but feel like there was something she should know.

“Oh ok. Is he coming back?” Willow asked gently. She could see the wheels turning in Buffy’s head. It would only be a matter of time before it all clicked for her. Who knew what would happen then.

“Uh…yeah…,” Buffy replied distractedly. Her mind was too busy trying to sort through the jumble of thoughts, trying to piece together what it was that was nagging her.

“You look tired. Do you want me to leave so you can get some rest?” Willow stated as she stood up from the chair she had seated herself in. Buffy did look tired, but really she didn’t want to face the barrage of questions that were looking like they would spew forth from her friend at any moment.

“Yeah, I think I will lay down for a little bit,” said Buffy with an exaggerated yawn. She was a bit sleepy, but mostly she just needed some time by herself to try and figure out what kept irking her memory.

“Ok, get some sleep. I’ll check in later to see if you want some dinner,” Willow offered before leaving the room.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Once outside Buffy’s room, Willow found Oz waiting for her. With a sigh, she sat down next to him on the small sofa. She pinched the bridge of her nose as she worried about what was probably forthcoming.

“How’s she doing?” Oz asked as he took his girlfriend’s hand in his.

“Pretty good, considering. But…but I think it’s about to get a lot tougher,” she answered as she leaned her head back against the wall.

“How so?” he posed, slightly confused.

“Remember how I said that she hadn’t yet questioned Angel being here?” When Oz nodded, she continued. “Well, I think it’s finally coming to her that Angel left and shouldn’t really be here. I could see in her eyes that she was preoccupied with something.”

“Oh boy,” was all Oz could say in response. He knew that there would be trouble, he had been there when they had broken up five years earlier.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

After Willow left her room, Buffy went over and sat on the windowseat as she had the night before. Her mind would not stop bugging her that there was something important she should be realizing. It had started with her conversation with Willow, so Buffy went over what had been said in the short talk between them.

Thinking for a few minutes, her thoughts kept focusing on Angel. The feeling was strongest when he was on her mind. Whatever was bothering her had to have something to do with him. But she just couldn’t figure out what.

Even though she was a bit confused at moment, she couldn’t help but smile at the thought of Angel. Waking up to his handsome face earlier that morning had been perfect. He always knew how to comfort her when life was taking its toll on her. He was the perfect...

...boyfriend.

Her eyes suddenly snapped open. Angel *was* the perfect boyfriend. But he wasn’t her boyfriend anymore. Everything suddenly clicked into place with that revelation.

Angel had broken up with her after their high school graduation. A shudder rippled through her body as she remembered the night that he had shattered her heart. In all the confusion and bustle of the day before their history hadn’t even crossed her mind.

He had dumped her and left town, leaving her behind without a second glance. That had been months ago. But no, she realized quickly. It hadn’t been months ago. To her it was, but she was missing *four* years worth of memories. Had Angel been gone all that time? Had he returned and they had worked things out?

Her head started to ache at the inner turmoil over Angel. The memory of him breaking up with her ran over and over in her head. The question over how long he’d been back in Sunnydale also circled round her thoughts. Her need to be close to him, to the one person who always made her feel safe warred with the knowledge that he had just cast her aside and left.

Resting her forehead against the cool glass, Buffy closed her eyes. Tears crept down her cheeks as she once again wished that everything that was happening to her would just go away. All she wanted was to go back to when she had been happy and loved.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Two hours later, Angel strolled down the hallway toward Buffy’s room. He’d been held up longer than expected at his apartment because his mother had called and talked for an hour. She had been happy to hear that Buffy was awake and had asked him to say hello for her.

Buffy had become close to his family in the almost four years they had dated. She was practically part of the family. His parents would have her over for dinner at least once a week. They still didn’t quite understand why Angel had broken up with her. And to be truthful, he really didn’t know anymore either.

At her door, he paused for a moment. Why was he nervous about seeing her? They’d spent the night before and most of the morning together. He glanced down at the bouquet of deep red roses in his hand, taking a moment to make sure they looked perfect. With a deep breath he entered into her room.

Buffy heard the door open. She knew who was there without looking to see. She always knew when Angel was nearby. Again, her mind was at war with conflicting thoughts. She desperately wanted to feel his arms around her, but she also wanted answers. Her need for the latter took precedence.

Without turning to face him, she spoke. “How long have you been back?”

“I just got here,” he replied, moving toward where she was sitting.

“That’s not what I meant,” she stated curtly, willing the tears to remain unseen in her eyes.

Angel gulped visibly. His eyes drifted shut as his shoulders sagged. He’d known this was coming, but it didn’t make it any easier. Taking a deep breath, he answered. “A month ago.”

“So you’ve been gone for five years.” It wasn’t really a question, but more of a statement.

“Yes,” he admitted softly.

For long minutes, silence dominated in the room. Buffy was trying to sort through the muddled mess in her mind, leaving her vacant of words. The confusion was overwhelming. Angel had left, but now he was standing only a few feet away. She honestly had no idea how to react to that.

Knowing he had to say something, Angel broke the silence first. “Buffy…I-I’m so-“

He didn’t get to finish his statement when Buffy interrupted. “Why are you here?”

“W-what?” he stuttered. How could she not expect him to be here?

“You left me remember? So *why* exactly are you here?” she stated harshly.

“Buffy, my leaving had nothing to do with my feelings for you. You know th-“ again his words were cut off.

“No!” she yelled, all the anger from their breakup suddenly bubbling to the surface. “All I *know* is that five years ago you dumped me, left me crying on my front porch. I don’t *know* anything else. *You* broke my heart that night and now you expect to just leave it all in the past. I don’t think so.”

“Buffy, please, let me explain,” he pleaded, fighting the tears forming in his eyes at the reminder of what he had done.

Gathering all of what little internal strength she had, Buffy turned to face Angel, determination evident in her eyes. “Leave.”

Angel went to speak, but found that there was nothing he could say.

“Leave,” she repeated, the word coming out cold and hate-filled.

He stared at her for a moment contemplating what he could say to her. But he realized that there was nothing would suffice, at least not now. The emotions in her eyes were obvious. She didn’t want him there, and if that’s what she wanted then he would oblige.

Staring at her for a moment longer, Angel turned and walked out of the room. He closed the door behind him, falling back against it. The soft cries from inside the room were not missed by him and he couldn’t help but curse himself once again for what he had done to her five years before.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Part 11– Craving Forgiveness

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Willow stopped abruptly upon entering the open area outside of Buffy’s room. Sitting there in one of the chairs was Angel, his head cradled in his hands. She immediately knew what must have happened. Sighing, she made her way over to him and sat down.

“You okay?” she asked with while placing a comforting hand on his shoulder.

Angel looked up at her, tear tracks visible on his cheeks. “I-I’ll be fine.”

“She just needs some time, Angel. I can only imagine how confusing everything is for her right now,” she stated, her heart aching for her two friends.

“I know, I just want to be there for her. But she told me to leave,” he whispered hoarsely.

“I know you do, but she needs time to accept that you’re here. It’s still fresh in her mind, you leaving and all that,” explained Willow. It was hard for her, she could understand how both of them were feeling.

“I wish I could explain to her why I left, but I don’t think she’ll want to talk to me,” Angel replied, his shoulders slumping at the prospect of not being able to make things right with Buffy.

“Give her a few days, then maybe try to talk to her. In the meantime I’ll see if I can get her to let you come visit,” offered Willow as she wondered how she would be able to do that without making Buffy feel like she was taking Angel’s side.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

In her room, Buffy sat slumped against the headboard of her bed, tears still streaming down her face. Part of her wanted so badly to have Angel hold her, but she just couldn’t let him. Not after what he had done to her. He was the one that left. What right did he have to just reappear in her life?

Her body shook as she recalled the night he broke her heart. She’d been so happy then. Graduating from high school, hanging with her friends, and she’d had the silent hope that Angel was going to ask her to marry him. And then it all fell apart. He cast her aside like she was nothing. There was no way she could forgive him for what he’d done. No way.

Shaking her head, Buffy tried to push Angel out of her mind. He wasn’t important. She didn’t need to think about him. There were other things she needed to be thinking about at the moment. Like the images that had popped into her head during the short argument with Angel.

She didn’t know what those images meant. They weren’t familiar, but she felt as if she should know them. As she had sat there, steaming with anger toward Angel, clips of another argument had swarmed in her head. She’d been in a stairwell, it looked like, crying as she argued with some guy she didn’t recognize. The images had been just that, images, no words or emotions associated with them. It didn’t make any sense. Who was the guy and what had they been arguing about?

Slipping down under of the covers of her bed, Buffy tried to fight the tears that were once again threatening to fall, but was unsuccessful. The recent events were just too much. Realizing that Angel had been gone and returned and then the confusing images were just too much to try and ignore. The tears steadily streamed out of her eyes and onto her pillow as Buffy cried herself into a restless sleep.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Angel walked dejectedly back into his apartment. Just a few hours earlier he had been happy and excited about how things were going with Buffy now that she was out of the coma. And now everything had gone to hell. He had known that she would realize that he wasn’t supposed to be by her side or even in Sunnydale, but a small part of him had hoped that maybe she wouldn’t remember or if she did that she wouldn’t care.

She had, though, and she had kicked him out. Not that he could blame her. He probably would have done the same thing. After what he had done to her, he deserved nothing better than to be banned from her life. But he couldn’t just walk away. He had done that once and it had been the wrong thing to do. This time he wouldn’t let her go.

Now, he just needed to find a way to get her to understand what he had done, and he needed to apologize for doing it in the first place. But he couldn’t go back and try to talk to her. She was too upset and it would only make things worse. Would it be better just to give her time? Honestly, he didn’t know. He wasn’t sure she would ever speak to him long enough for him to say everything that needed to be said. So how could he go about trying to make things right?

Sitting down at his desk, Angel attempted to brainstorm ideas of how to win back Buffy’s love and trust. Flowers? Maybe, they would be a nice gesture, but they wouldn’t help her to understand his actions. Presents wouldn’t really work either; she would just thing he was trying to buy her affections.

As he sat there with his head resting in his hands his eyes caught site of some stationary his mother had given him before he moved. Of course! He could write her a letter. He could say everything that needed to be said without having to go to her and upset her by making her listen in a face to face conversation.

With a cautious smile, Angel pulled out a pen and a piece of paper and set about writing the letter to Buffy. He knew that he needed to explain everything to her, his feelings, his reasons, why he had returned, everything. It was the only way he could see that she might ever forgive him.

Long into the night he worked on the letter. Many crumbled up pieces of paper littered the floor around his desk, casualties of his attempts write the perfect letter. Finally, when he finished, it was near two a.m. Reading over the words, he was sure that he had said everything that he needed to. Folding up the paper, he placed it in the matching envelope. Tomorrow he would stop at a florist and get rose to send over with the letter. He just hoped that she would read it and not throw it away.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Part 12 – Conflicting Emotions

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Angel sat in his office staring out the window as a heavy rain pounded outside. The weather matched his mood perfectly. His thoughts were on anything but work. He’d hardly slept the night before, most of the it spent writing the letter to Buffy. But even when he finally had gone to bed, he hadn’t been able to sleep.

His thoughts turned to the letter sitting on his desk. Was it the right way to go about explaining things to her? He wasn’t exactly sure, but at the moment it was the only thing he could think of. Hopefully she would at least read it and not just throw it away.

Glancing at his watch, Angel saw that it was almost noon. He was going to meet Xander for lunch soon at the deli across the street. The two had been getting along better recently, rebuilding the friendship they’d once had. Plus, Angel had the ulterior motive of asking Xander to deliver the letter to Buffy since it was likely that she wouldn’t want him anywhere near her.

Angel attempted to focus on his work until lunch, but found himself unable to. The only thing he could think about was Buffy. His heart was torn over what had happened the night before. He understood her anger with him. He probably would have been the same way. But it didn’t stop the need he felt within him of wanting to just take her in his arms and hold her.

Finally giving up on trying to get any work done, Angel got up from his desk and decided to head out to lunch. Grabbing his coat, and the letter off his desk, Angel left his office. He was still worried that the letter wasn’t the right thing to do, but at least he was doing something to try and make things better.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

“So what do you think?” posed Willow as she sat on one end of Buffy’s bed.

Lost in her thoughts, Buffy didn’t even hear the question. She was aware that Willow was talking to her, but she just couldn’t seem to focus on what the red head was saying. Her mind had been elsewhere that day.

As much as she tried to, she couldn’t get her thoughts off of Angel. Over and over she told herself to forget about him. That he wasn’t worth her time. That he had hurt her horribly. But it didn’t stop the thoughts.

Her memories were at war with each other. One half of her brain was reminding her of all the good times they’d had together, and how Angel had comforted her just a few days earlier when she had been so upset after learning of her coma and memory loss. The other half of her brain was replaying the night Angel had dumped her in repeat.

Each side brought on such strong emotions within her. She couldn’t just forget the love between them. She’d always believed that he was her soulmate. That was definitely not something that one tended to forget. But she also couldn’t forget the pain he’d caused her.

So what was she supposed to do? Her first thoughts were to stay as far away as possible from him. She didn’t want to be hurt again. And then she’d remember his comforting embrace and how he’d held her the other night and wish that he was with her again. It left her torn and confused. Obviously, she was going to need more time to decide what to do about Angel.

Buffy was snapped out of her thoughts when Willow tapped her on the shoulder.

“Huh? What?” a slightly dazed Buffy asked.

“Someone was off in their own little world,” smiled Willow knowingly. “I asked you a question a few minutes ago, but I think you were too busy brooding.”

“I do not brood!” Buffy disagreed hastily. “Anyways, what did you ask me?”

“I wanted to know if you wanted me to take you down to the salon tomorrow to get your hair done,” repeated Willow, remembering how Buffy had complained about how horrible her hair looked.

“Hmm, yeah. My hair could definitely use some work,” pondered Buffy as one of her hands reached up to her long blonde hair.

“I think I’ll get mine done too. Hey, I know! We can get manicures and facials and stuff too!” Willow exclaimed excitedly, thinking about how a day of pampering might help her get rid of the sluggishness she’d been feeling lately.

“Sounds like a plan,” agreed Buffy, her mind still not entirely focused on her friend.

After a minute, Buffy spoke again. “Willow? What was like when I was in the coma?”

“What do you mean?” replied Willow, not quite understanding Buffy’s intentions.

“I…well, I was just wondering how things were. Ya know, did people visit, how was Mom? Stuff like that,” explained Buffy further.

“Oh, umm, ok. Well, at first there was pretty much someone always with you in case you woke up. We didn’t want you to be alone if you did come out of it. But then as time passed we had to go back to work and stuff,” started Willow as she tried to think of how to tell Buffy about the time when she was in the coma.

“But Oz and I stayed here at the house most of the time. I think it helped your Mom that we were here, and I wanted to be here in case you woke up. Xander and Cordy came over almost every other day,” added on Willow, intentionally not mentioning Angel for fear of how Buffy would react.

“So you guys were here a lot?” Buffy asked, not sure why she needed to know.

“Yeah. It was hard to see you like you were, but we wanted to be here for you and your Mom and Giles,” explained Willow, a comforting smile on her face. “And you saw all the cards and stuff. You were quite popular in the gift receiving department.”

Buffy smiled at that, glancing to the corner of the room where various stuffed animals and trinkets had piled up. It was nice to know that people missed her and had worried about her.

Turning her thoughts in another direction, Buffy asked the question that she had been wondering about all morning. “What about Angel?”

“Umm, what about Angel?” prodded Willow, slightly taken aback by the question.

“Why is he here?” Buffy furthered, her voice tinged with anger at the man in question.

“Oh. Well, he moved back to Sunnydale about a month or so ago. We were at the Bronze one night when he just showed up. All of us were kinda mean to him, and then we realized that he didn’t know what had happened to you. So I brought him here and told him about your attack and the coma,” relayed Willow of how Angel had reappeared in their lives.

“How come he seemed to know where everything was in the house?” questioned Buffy as she remembered how Angel had known where everything was in the kitchen to make her breakfast.

“Umm, well…ever since he came back and found out about you, he pretty much spent every free second he had here,” answered Willow, not surprised by the stunned look on Buffy’s face.

“H-he did?” Buffy asked, the knowledge striking a chord in her heart.

“Yeah, he would just sit up here with you for hours. Sometimes he would read to you, or tell you about college. And other times he would just sit here holding your hand,” told Willow, wondering if maybe the information would cause Buffy to think about talking to Angel. “He would also help your Mom and Giles out with stuff.”

“Oh,” was all Buffy could think to say. She hadn’t expected to hear what Willow had told her. It didn’t make any sense.

Angel had dumped her. That meant he didn’t love her right? So why had he done so much for her while she was in a coma? Did he do it because he felt guilty for whatever reason? But what did he have to feel guilty about?

Buffy’s endless internal questions were interrupted when another person entered the room.

“Hey! Buffster!” grinned Xander, happy to see his friend awake after so long in a coma.

“Hey Xand!” Buffy smiled back

“How are two of my favorite girls?” he asked as he sat down on the bed next to them.

“We’re good, talking about how we’re gonna go get our hair done tomorrow,” answered Willow, referring to the plans they had made.

“Oooh, fun,” he replied with a little sarcasm at the girly outing.

“Xand!” Buffy chided with a laugh, the sound making her friends smile. It had been so long since they’d seen Buffy awake and laughing.

“I, umm, have something for you,” Xander stated nervously, thinking about the letter Angel had given him to give to Buffy.

“Ooh, presents!” Buffy said happily. Who didn’t like getting presents?

“Uh, not really. I, uh…Angel, he, uh, asked me to give this to you,” he replied, pulling the letter and rose out from the large inner pocket of his coat.

Buffy’s face immediately set into a frown. No matter what, it seemed like she couldn’t get away from Angel. It was utterly torturous.

“I-I don’t want it,” Buffy stated unconvincingly.

“Buff,” started Xander. “It’s just a letter. Maybe you should read it.”

For a minute she just stared at the letter, trying to decide if she should burn it or read it. “I’ll think about it,” she finally answered, taking the items form Xander.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

A few hours later, Buffy sat in her darkened room. The only light came from a small lamp next to her bed. In her hands she held the letter from Angel that Xander had delivered. The rose was sitting on her nightstand. She hadn’t yet put it in water because she was still debating about whether to keep it or throw it out.

And she still hadn’t decided if she should read the letter or not. She couldn’t help but be curious about it. What had he written to her? If she read it, wouldn’t she just be giving him another way to hurt her?

Eventually, her need to know what he had written got the better of her. Slowly, she tore open the envelope and pulled out the cream colored paper. She found herself staring at the flowing script in front of her, memories of other times he had written her letters flashing in her mind.

Snapping out of her daze, Buffy finally began to read the words on the papers in front of her.

“My Dearest Buffy,

I have been sitting here for over two hours trying to write this letter. I’m not even sure that this is the right thing to do. There are so many things that I need to tell you, explain to you. I understand that you are angry with me, and I understand why, but I am hoping that you will read this letter anyway.

First, I must apologize for upsetting you last night. That was the last thing that I wanted to have happen. But I knew it would eventually. I am sorry that my being there caused you pain. That is why I am writing this letter to you. I figured you would not want to see me, but I needed to tell you so many things.

I guess I should start with that day five years ago when I broke up with you. I have many regrets about that day. The foremost of which being that I made you cry, and that you thought that I no longer loved you. That was never the case. I have always loved you, and I always will.

Back then, I had so many reasons for doing what I did, but I’m not even sure they make sense to me anymore. A few weeks before we graduated from high school I started thinking about how I was going all the way across the country to Columbia and how you would be staying here in Sunnydale. I started wondering if it was right to try and continue our relationship when we were so far away from each other. I wanted you to be happy, to have fun and enjoy life. But I wondered how you could do that in a long-distance relationship. I began feeling guilty over thoughts of how you might not do things like go to parties and such because of me. It was too much for me. I didn’t want to be the reason you lost out on so much. That’s when I decided that I would break up with you before I left.

What I did never had anything to do with not loving you. All I wanted was for you to be happy. But I understand now that what I did was wrong. I shouldn’t have made the decision I did without talking to you. It should have been your choice as well as mine. And for that I am sorry. I never meant to break your heart. I will forever regret the pain that I caused you.

There was not a day while I was gone that I did not think about you. I had hoped that time would make the pain go away, that I would stop missing you. It never happened. I woke up every day wishing you were with me. I tried to move on, but I just couldn’t. Not when my heart still belonged to you. That is why I decided to return to Sunnydale. I knew that I could never move on with my life until I saw you again.

I won’t lie and say that I didn’t hope you would forgive me for all that I have done because I did. The entire time leading up to my move back home, I kept wondering what you life was like now. Were you married now? Did you have kids? The selfish part of me hoped for neither, but in the end, I just wanted you to be happy. And if you’d found someone else to be happy with then I would accept that.

It broke my heart when I found out what had happened to you. To see you lying lifeless in a bed like that, it was almost too much to bear. Every day I hoped that you would wake up, that I would be able to see your smiling face again. And I was so happy when you finally did.

I’m glad that I was able to be there for you after you woke up, but I knew that you would eventually realize that I should not have been there at all. Maybe I should have told you first, but I just wanted to savor the few peaceful moments I had with you. I’m sorry that my being there upset you.

I will stay away, if that is what you wish. I don’t want to cause you anymore pain. So if you don’t want to see me, I will stay away from you. I just had to explain everything to you. I wanted you to know why I did what I did. I know that it doesn’t change the fact that I did it, but I hope that you will at least understand why, and know that I never stopped loving you.

Yours Always,
Angel”

As Buffy finished reading the letter, the tears that had begun to flow after a few sentences continued. Her eyes closed as she clutched the piece of paper in her shaking hands. She wanted to hate him. God how she wanted to hate him! But she didn’t know if she really could.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Part 13 – Forgive and Forget?

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Author’s Notes: A quick note, I wrote Cordy a little out of character, but I wanted her to be nicer. Just thought I’d mention that since someone is bound to say that Cordy wouldn’t have said the things she said in this part.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

How long had she been sitting there staring at Angel’s letter, Buffy wondered when she finally snapped back to reality. Looking down at herself she could see the many dark spots on her shirt where her tears had fallen. She knew her eyes must be puffy and red as well.

Her eyes drifted back to the letter. Was everything in it true? Did he really still love her? Did it even matter to her if he did? She honestly didn’t know the answer to that question.

The memories of their breakup were still so vivid in her mind. Every aching second of that night was forever scorched into her memory. How could she just push that aside like it didn’t matter? Buffy didn’t think she could.

Angel had shattered her innocent belief in true love that night. He’d taken every dream she’d ever had and slashed a metaphorical knife right through them, tearing her heart into shreds in the process. Nothing would ever take away the pain that he’d caused her that night. Nothing would make her forget the sight of him walking away from her and their love.

Did it matter that he’d only thought he was doing what was best for her? That is if everything he’d written was the truth. What’s that old saying? She wondered. The road to Hell is paved with the best of intentions? Or something like that?

Well, Angel certainly paved our way to Hell then, she thought with a sarcastic internal laugh. It didn’t sound like his life had been all that great the last five years. And hers, well, the six months or so she could remember from after Angel left had royally sucked, and then, of course, she’d somehow ended up in a coma. So her life, obviously, had been lousy. Yeah, he sure paved the way to Hell.

Buffy sighed and fell back against her pillows. What was she supposed to do now? Did he expect her to just say ‘you’re forgiven’ and fall back into his arms? As much as she wanted to return to his loving embrace, she just didn’t know if she could. The pain was just still to strong in her heart.

As she laid there thinking about Angel, her eyes started drifting closed. She was emotionally exhausted from the revelations in the letter and her brooding session afterwards that left her no closer to knowing what to do. But as she began to fall asleep, she couldn’t help but wish that Angel was there to hold her.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

For most of the early evening, Angel found himself sitting in his apartment staring at his phone. Every minute that passed without anything happening sent his hopes further spiraling downwards. Had he really expected that she would call him? No, not really. But part of him still had the useless expectation that she would.

He knew that she must have received the letter by now. Xander had said that he was going over to the Giles’ right after lunch. So Angel knew that she had it. Whether or not she had read it, he didn’t know. He wouldn’t have been surprised if she had torn it into little pieces and flushed them down the toilet.

But, still, there was that small part of him, somewhere in the back of his mind, that had thought she would call. The phone stayed silent, however. He’d been staring at the damned thing all night and it had done nothing but just sit there.

Had she read the letter? Had she not accepted it? Had she destroyed it? Angel just wanted to know something, anything. The not knowing was killing him

A sudden noise snapped Angel out of his internal thoughts. When the noise repeated itself, he realized that someone was knocking on his door. Jumping off the couch, he practically ran to the door. His heart seemed to be in his throat. Was it possible she had come to see him? He could only hope.

Taking a deep breath, he pulled the door open. To his dismay, it wasn’t Buffy who he found on the other side.

“Xander,” he spoke, disappointment obvious in his voice.

“Gee, what a welcome,” joked Xander with a shake of his head.

“Sorry, I was just…,” started Angel, swiftly looking away from his friend.

“You were just hoping that I was Buffy, I know,” Xander stated, reading Angel’s thoughts.

Angel just shrugged and moved back from the door, motioning for Xander to come in. The two walked into Angel’s small living room where Xander sat on a chair and Angel on the couch.

“I figured you’d want to know how she reacted,” Xander finally said when Angel made no attempt to say anything.

“She didn’t want it, did she?” replied Angel, knowing it was probably true.

“No, she didn’t it. She wasn’t going to take it from me, but I convinced her too,” he explained gently. He hated being in middle of his friends problems.

“Do…do you know if she read it,” Angel asked softly, not sure if he wanted to know the answer.

“I don’t know. She took the letter and set it aside. I didn’t stay very long and she didn’t read it while I was there,” Xander answered, wishing he had something better to tell Angel.

“Oh.” Angel looked down at his hands, not wanting Xander to see the pain in his eyes. He understood Buffy’s reluctance to even accept a letter, but it still hurt.

“I’m sure she will, Angel. Maybe not today, or tomorrow. But she will eventually. She just needs to cool down a little bit. You know the temper and stubborn streak she has,” offered Xander in consolation.

“Yeah,” responded Angel, although he couldn’t help but feel like he’d already lost her for good.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Buffy was not happy. Not only was it nine in the morning, after a night during which she had slept restlessly, but she was also being forced to exercise. Well, not quite exercise in the strictest sense. Technically, she was doing her physical therapy but it felt more like exercise to her and they’d been at it for the last hour.

At seven that morning her Mom had come in to wake her and tell her that she was to have her first ‘post-coma’ session with her physical therapist. Willow had told her how the therapist had worked with her while she was in the coma and that now that she was out he’d help her get back into shape. It made sense, really it did. But that didn’t mean she liked the fact that he had to come at eight in the morning.

And, of course, there was also the fact that some simple stretching and weight lifting were utterly exhausting. After nine months in a coma her muscles were severely under-used and therefore protested violently to the strains.

“One more set,” the man, now known as Riley, told her as she lay on the mat in the gym in the basement of the house.

She groaned inside her head at the order, but complied and began doing ten more raises per leg. Out of the corner of her eye, she watched this Riley person. She didn’t know why, but he bugged her. All through their workout he kept asking her questions. And she had caught him staring at her more than once. It was rather creepy, but she pushed it aside.

“Ok, that’s all for today. You did really well, Buffy,” spoke Riley, flashing her a smile.

“Thanks,” Buffy mumbled as she picked up her towel.

“Don’t try to do too much, your body isn’t ready for it yet,” he advised her.

“Ok, I won’t,” she half-heartedly promised.

“So I’ll see you in two days then,” he told her while packing up his bag.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Later that day, Buffy finally managed to get some time to herself. After her physical therapy session her Mother had wanted to spend some ‘quality time’ together. So they ate lunch together and then attempted to have a conversation, but it was more like uncomfortable small talk.

Then after that she’d met her psychologist for the first time, a man named Wesley Wyndam-Pryce. He was nice, but a little on the stiff side. The whole session had been spent with Buffy telling him about her situation and what memories she did possess. It was more of an information gathering session versus actual therapy.

So now Buffy was finally alone. Instead of going back to her room, she went out into the gardens and found a nice patch of grass to sit on under the sun. After a long day she was enjoying the just sitting there doing nothing in the peaceful quiet of the gardens.

Of course, her mind was anything but peaceful at the moment. She still couldn’t get her thoughts off of Angel. The words in his letter kept running through her head. As much as she told her self she didn’t care, she couldn’t stop wondering if what he had said was true. And if they were true, then what did she want to do?

Sighing, she lay back in the grass, staring up at the blue sky. She watched as the clouds shifted shape and floated across the sky. Unconsciously, her thoughts drifted back to a picnic on the beach Angel had taken her on the summer before their senior year of high school. They’d spent the whole day together laughing and enjoying themselves. It had been perfect.

She had so many memories like that of them together. Not even the images of their breakup could block out all the good times. She hated to admit it, but she missed those days…and she missed Angel. She missed the way he could always seem to read her mind, she missed the way his arms held her, she missed the peace he brought to her soul. There was no doubt in her mind, now, that she still had feelings for him. Maybe she even still loved him. But the bigger question was whether she could get past the broken heart he’d been the cause of.

“Let me guess. You’re thinking about…hmmm…Angel?” a new voice spoke from behind her.

Internally, Buffy groaned at having her alone time interrupted. It always seemed to happen. Nobody seemed to be able to leave her on her own for too long. Begrudgingly, she opened her eyes and tilted her head so she could see who had spoken.

“Hey Cordy,” she greeted after seeing that it was one of her friends.

“Hey,” Cordy answered back before taking a seat on the grass next to Buffy. “You didn’t answer my question.”

“What questioned was that?” Buffy feigned in ignorance to what the brunette was referring to.

“Were you thinking about Angel?” she repeated with a knowing look.

“Maybe,” grumbled Buffy, unhappy that her thoughts had apparently been so transparent.

“Thought so,” smirked Cordelia. “So how are you doing?”

“I’m okay,” shrugged Buffy, feeling anything but okay.

“Xander told me about the letter Angel sent you,” the brunette blurted out, causing Buffy to turn and glare at her.

“So?” Buffy questioned angrily.

“So…did you read it?” Cordelia wanted to know.

Buffy stared at her for a few seconds before answering. “Yes, I did.”

“And?” prodded Cordy, wanting to know what was going on with her friends.

“An what? I read it. But it doesn’t change anything,” Buffy snipped out, not happy about having to discuss Angel when he was already constantly on her mind.

“Uh huh,” replied Cordy with a pointed look at Buffy. “You can say that, but I know you are thinking differently. It’s gotta mean something to know why he left.

Buffy sat up from her spot on the ground and stared at her hands. Did it mean anything to know Angel’s reasons? She still didn’t know the answer to that.

“I don’t know, Cordy,” sighed Buffy, looking up at one of her long-time friends. “I mean, yeah, it’s nice to know that he didn’t just up and dump me because he didn’t love me anymore. But at the same time, it doesn’t change that he still left me.”

“No, it doesn’t,” conceded Cordy. She’d never been in a situation like Buffy’s, but she could understand how it would be hard to get past what had happened with Angel. Still, she wanted to see them get back together. She wanted to see Buffy happy like she had been years ago. “So what are you going do?”

“Maybe nothing. Maybe…I,” Buffy ran a hand through her hair and then continued. “He hurt me so badly, Cordy. That’s just not something I can forget. But at the same time, I wish he was here. This is all so hard to deal with, the coma, the memory loss. And sometimes I just wish he was here to make me forget about it all.”

Cordelia watched her friend as she spoke. It was obvious how much pain Buffy was in because of everything going on, and not just Angel. She couldn’t imagine how hard it must be to have lost four years of memories. However, it was quite easy to figure out that Angel was Buffy’s biggest problem at the moment.

Taking a minute to think, Cordelia smoothed out the wrinkles in her skirt. She was trying to think of something she could say to help Buffy.

“Do you remember the summer after graduation when I started dating Xander and how everyone reacted?” she asked and when Buffy nodded she went on. “My parents were horrified, and all the other supposed ‘society princess’ thought I’d gone insane. They treated my horribly.”

“You almost broke up with him,” Buffy stated wondering why Cordy was talking about this.

“Uh huh. I avoided him for almost two weeks,” the brunette remembered. “I let everything they said get to me. I wondered if they were right, that he was just a loser. But eventually, I got over it.”

“Is there a reason you’re telling me all this?” Buffy asked while looking at Cordy oddly.

“Do you know what made me make up my mind?” Cordy replied and when she didn’t receive and answer she explained. “I know Xander and I hadn’t been together long, but there was just something that felt so right about it. When I would think of five or ten years from then, I could see myself still with him, and happy.”

Cordy noticed that Buffy was still staring at her, not understanding what she was trying to say.

“My point being, is that I didn’t want to lose out on a chance to be happy because of things that I couldn’t change like the fact that he was poor or could be a bit of a spazz,” Cordelia let out a slight growl-like sound. “I’m not saying this right. What I want to ask you is, do you want to give up the chance for a future with Angel because of what happened in the past? He can’t change what he did, but you guys can still have a chance to be happy. When I look back now, I’m so glad that I didn’t let the things I couldn’t change ruin my relationship with Xander. If I had I wouldn’t be as happy as I am now.”

“It’s not that simple, Cordy,” Buffy answered hesitantly. “I can’t just forget what he did to me.”

“No, you can’t. And I wouldn’t expect you to. I’m sure he doesn’t either,” agreed Cordy. “But the question is, can you get past it?”

“I don’t know. I just…I honestly don’t know. I’ve been asking myself that all day” Buffy said sadly. Could she get past it? As she told Cordy, she just didn’t know if she could.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Part 14 - Perspective

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Warning: *holds up a sign that says ‘Beware: Cliff Ahead’*

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~One Week Later~

Angel sat at his desk staring at his computer, trying his hardest to get something accomplished, but not having much success. The only thing that his mind could focus on was a certain petite blonde. He just couldn’t seem to think about anything else. Not that constantly thinking about her was unusual for him, but for the past week it had been even worse. It had been a week since he’d sent the letter to her.

One week. Seven days. One hundred and sixty-eight hours since he had poured his soul out in the letter. A letter which he hoped would persuade her to give him a second chance. But a week during which she had made no attempt to contact him.

He knew she had read the letter. At least he knew that. Xander had provided him with that information courtesy of Cordelia. Other than that he knew nothing. Cordelia had only told Xander that Buffy had read the letter, nothing else. It was killing him to not know what she was feeling or if she would forgive him.

To know that she had at least read it was only somewhat comforting. He knew it was unrealistic, but part of him had hoped that she would come running back to him. With each passing day that he did not see or hear from her it became harder and harder to hope that she would forgive him at all.

And so he found himself, seven days later, unable to think about anything other than her. He was tempted to go see her, but he knew that would possibly make things worse. She would come to him on her own, when she was ready, if she was ever ready. Still, the waiting was likely to drive him insane.

Shaking his head slightly, Angel forced his focus back on the computer screen in front of him. He needed to get some work done. It wouldn’t do him any good to lose his job because he had been slacking off. Plus, maybe doing some work would keep him from thinking about her for even just a few minutes.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Standing at the top of the stairs, Buffy looked up and down the hallway. Which direction was the damn study? All she wanted to do was use the computer that Willow had shown her a few days ago, but she couldn’t remember where the damn room was. Her brow scrunched as she tried to remember if it was even on the second floor.

She looked toward each end of the hallway once again, trying her hardest to remember where the room was, but it was no use. She had no clue where the study was. For a moment she contemplated searching each room until she found it, but she quickly vetoed that idea. Her body was still weak and tired easily and the house was just too big to search. With a sigh, Buffy walked slowly back to her room. At least she knew where that was.

Once inside her room, Buffy flopped down on the bed. Unwanted tears formed in her eyes as her frustration over her memory loss became too much. She hated having such a big part of her life missing. In a way, she didn’t even feel like it was her life she was living. Nothing was familiar. It was like she had Quantum Leaped into someone else’s body where she knew nothing about what was going on around her.

[AN: for those of you who don’t know, Quantum Leap was a TV show…if you don’t know it and want to know what it was about, email me and I’ll tell you]

Pushing herself up to sit at the head of the bed, Buffy glanced around her room. Outside of her memory loss, she couldn’t get past the feeling that something else wasn’t quite right. Her room itself had initiated the feeling.

She studied the room as she sat there on her bed. It was, by all means, a very nice room. The walls were off white, the matching furniture was lightly stained oak, the bed was covered in a very pale peach soft down comforter, and the large windows provided lots of light. Yes, it was definitely a nice room. But it just wasn’t…her.

There were no pictures or posters on the walls. The dresser and closet had the bare minimum of clothes. There were few personal momentos, and the bathroom lacked her usual wide variety of toiletries. In essence, it felt like she was living in a guest room rather than a room that was hers.

Of course, it had occurred to her that maybe her things where in an apartment that was hers, but even so, wouldn’t they have moved the stuff to her room at the house? It wouldn’t make any sense to keep an empty apartment when she was in a coma. And even if her things were in an apartment somewhere, wouldn’t she have made her room at the house a little more homey?

The whole thing just made no sense. She also got the feeling that there were things that the others weren’t telling her. Whenever she would ask them about something from the previous four years there would be this look on their faces and they would tell her it was important for her to remember on her own. The look told her that they were hiding something. What could they possibly be hiding and why?

With those thoughts in her mind, Buffy’s eyes began to drift shut. She wondered if sleep would give her some peace of mind. The last week had been an endless parade of stresses and it was beginning to wear on her already depleted body. But she knew that sleep wouldn’t provide any release for there was a certain sexy, dark haired man who always visited her dreams.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

~somewhere else in Sunnydale~

Hidden in the shadows of a dimly light alley stood a tall, nervous man. He glanced down at his watch, pressing the button to light the face so he could tell the time. It was fifteen minutes past when his contact was supposed to show up. He wasn’t normally one to be easily scared, but the alley was giving him the creeps.

As his eyes looked upwards he caught sight of headlands coming down toward him. Letting out a restless sigh, he waited for the car to come to a stop next to him.

“You’re late,” the man growled at the occupant of the car.

“Yeah, your point?”

“You were supposed to be here fifteen minutes ago!” the man stated sharply.

“You’re such a fucking stiff sometimes.”

“Let’s just get this over with,” he answered, running a hand through his hair.

“Fine, whatever. Just tell me what I need to know.”

“She doesn’t remember anything. Apparently, her memory for the last for years is gone,” the man explained.

“Is it permanent?”

“Don’t know. It might be and it might not be,” he replied hastily, wanting nothing more than to get out of the alley.

“She better hope it is. Anything else?”

“No, that’s it,” he stated anxiously.

Without another word, the car sped off. The driver thought about the new information. She was a loose end. But which risk was greater? Tying up the loose end or hoping that she’d never remember?

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

The slight noise of her door closing startled Buffy out of her sleep. She glanced around and saw no one in the room with her. Someone must have been checking on her. They did that often, as if they expected her to just disappear or something. It was annoying to a certain degree, but it also told her they cared about her.

Her eyes gazed out the window for a few seconds, noticing the orange and pinks in the sky she realized that it was almost night. Slightly shocked that she had slept for almost two hours, Buffy rolled over onto her side. The moment she did, she found herself staring at a few sheets of cream colored paper with a wilting rose sitting atop them.

The sight caused her eyes to water. Hesitantly, her fingers reached out to lightly touch the dying edges of the once beautiful flower. She hadn’t found it in herself to put it in water, but she also hadn’t been able to throw it away. So it had sat on her nightstand for the past week, dying a little more each day.

As much as she tried to, she hadn’t been able to force Angel out of her mind. Over and over she told herself that he’d broken her heart, that he would only do it again. But each time she did, she also remembered all the times they had laughed together, all the times he’d held her safely in his strong arms, all the times he’d surrounded her with his love.

She didn’t want to believe that he still loved her, didn’t want to believe all that he had said in the letter. It was easier not to believe than it was to allow her heart to open itself up to him again. But deep down, she knew everything he had written was the complete truth. Just as she knew that she would always love him.

Did it matter, though, what she felt? Or what he felt, for that matter? Could she allow herself to fall into him again? That was what she didn’t know. And the week spent mulling over, and trying to ignore, the letter had yet to provide any clarity on the situation.

Her thoughts drifted back to the conversation she had had with Cordy a week earlier. The brunette’s words had stuck in her head. A couple times she’d caught herself during the past week watching Cordelia and Xander together. They looked so happy even though they tended to bicker a lot. It was just part of who they were, but they were happy with each other. And they almost hadn’t had that because Cordy had almost given up on them years ago. But her friend hadn’t given up, and now she had a life and a companion she was happy with.

Did she want to give up her own chance at happiness? And was her happiness tied to Angel? Buffy thought about those two questions intently. She thought about her dreams for the future, the things she wanted, and the person she wanted them with. Images flashed within her mind, filling her with desires she thought long dead. She craved to reach out and grab them before they disappeared.

The clarity over the situation hit her suddenly. She knew what she needed to do, what she wanted to do. There were still doubts. How could there not be? But she now knew in her deep in her heart what it was that she wanted.

With a steadfast determination, Buffy picked up the phone, there was someone she needed to ask a favor of.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Angel stood in his kitchen mindlessly stirring the chicken noodle soup he’d opted to have for dinner. He could have eaten cardboard he wouldn’t have cared. Nothing mattered. Not when he believed that he’d lost his true love, forever.

He moved around the small kitchen with sagged shoulders. His movements were dull and void of emotion as he pulled out a bowl and spoon. After pouring the contents of the pan into the bowl, he sat at the table. As he waited for the soup to cool, his mind thought back to the first time he had seen Buffy.

The gang had designated him to go pick up some videos for their movie night. And as he walked around the store he’d bumped into her as she came out of one of the aisles. The moment he saw her, his heart was lost to the enchanting blonde beauty. They’d stared at each other for nearly five minutes before he had snapped himself out of his daze and introduced himself. She had smiled shyly at him before saying her name. And when he had shook her hand he had known somewhere in his heart that she was his future.

Memories of Buffy swept through his mind causing his heart to ache even more. Words couldn’t even begin to describe how much he missed her presence in his life. Through the din of his thoughts, the knocking at his door barely registered in his mind.

Shaking the images of years past out of his consciousness, Angel slowly ambled to the door, not even bothering to put on the shirt that was slung over the back of a chair. He figured it was probably Willow, Xander, or Cordelia coming over to check on him as they had been doing the past week.

He swung the door open, planning to tell his unexpected guest that he was fine and that they could go home, when his eyes landed on the person on the other side of the door.

“Hi…,” spoke a soft, beautiful voice.

“Buffy?” he gasped out in response, almost not believing that she was really there.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Part 15 – Second Chances

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The second he opened the door, all thoughts left Buffy’s head. The only thing she could focus on was Angel’s shirtless chest in front of her. She unconsciously licked her lips at the sight. He’d obviously been working out the past few years. He was still incredibly sexy though.

Somehow she managed to say ‘hi’ and barely heard him say her name in surprise. Finally, she snapped herself out of her lust induced hazed. Not that she didn’t love staring at his body, but she’d come for a reason other than that.

“Umm, hi. I’m, umm, sorry for just coming by,” she spoke nervously, trying to avoid looking at his chest.

“That,” Angel cleared his throat. He couldn’t believe that she was here. “That’s okay. Uhh, why don’t you c-come in?”

“Okay,” she answered softly before walking into the apartment.

After entering the apartment, Buffy looked at its interior. She was curious about where Angel lived. She wandered around, looking at the pictures on his bookshelf and took in the furniture and decorations. The place was homey and not over-done. It was just like she had imagined a place he lived would be.

Angel watched her study his apartment. He would have spoken but he was too shocked that she was only few feet away from him. So he just let her look around. But when he saw her wince and grab the edge of his desk he moved into action.

“Are you all right?” he asked, rushing to her side.

“I’m fine!” she responded more harshly than she meant to. “Sorry. It’s just a cramp in my leg. My physical therapist said they’re normal. I usually only get them when I’m standing for too long.”

“Oh, uhh, why don’t you sit down then?” he offered while pointing to the comfortable looking couch in the middle of the room.

“Sure,” she shrugged. For a moment, Buffy was regretting her decision to come see Angel. She knew what she wanted now, but there was still a large part of her that was angry with him.

For a long few minutes, Buffy sat on the couch while Angel sat on a chair with neither of them speaking. Angel was too afraid to say something, and Buffy didn’t know what exactly it was that she wanted to say to him. So they just sat there until Buffy finally spoke up.

“I got your letter,” she told him while staring at her fingers.

“I-I’m glad,” Angel stuttered. He was beyond nervous, and intensely afraid that he would say something that would make her leave.

“Thank you for writing it,” Buffy praised awkwardly. She was wracking her brain for the right thing to say to him.

“You’re welcome. I just...I wanted you to know everything,” he explained quietly. So far, Buffy was not giving away anything. He had no idea if she was here to give him a chance or to tell him it was over for good.

“I appreciated it,” she said before lifting her head up to look him straight in the eyes. “But I need to know one thing.”

“What?” he asked, matching her gaze.

“Was everything you said in it true?” Her voice was solid and determined. This was the one thing she needed to know, first, before anything else.

“Every word,” he stated simply. And it was the truth. He had been completely honest in the letter.

“Good,” Buffy responded succinctly.

Silence followed. Angel knew that Buffy needed to be in control of whatever was to happen. He had to just let her do or say whatever she wanted.

Buffy, for her part, was struggling with conflicting emotions. There was the part of her that just wanted to leap into his arms and have him hold her. But there was also the part of her that still was not quite ready to forgive. That part was the louder of the two. So she just sat there trying to gather her thoughts.

“I’m still angry with you,” was the first thing that came to mind to say.

Angel looked at her for a moment, catching a possible hidden meaning to her statement. “I wouldn’t expect you not to be.”

“You’ll never know how much it hurt when you left like you did.” Her voiced wavered slightly, her eyes misting at the memories.

“I know,” Angel looked down shamefully. “I’ve regretted what I did almost since that day.”

“I wish you would have talked to me,” Buffy spoke in a whisper. “We were in a relationship. We were supposed to make decisions together.”

Angel’s shoulders sagged. He knew what he did was wrong, but it hurt even more to hear her say it.

Buffy watched him intently. She needed to know that he understood. And a small part of her wanted to make him suffer just a little bit.

“I’m sorry,” Angel apologized hoarsely. “Nothing I can do can take back what I did. If I could do it all over, I would not have left like that. But I can’t change anything. I can only say I’m sorry. I know you probably can’t forgive me,” he finished dejectedly.

“I didn’t say that,” Buffy countered quickly, surprised at her own words.

“What?” he responded in astonishment She couldn’t be implying what he thought she was implying. Could she?

Buffy closed her eyes. This was the moment she was dreading. The proverbial ‘moment of truth’. Unable to stay seated any longer, she got off the couch and slowly paced the room. When she had calmed herself a little she spoke.

“I’ll never forget what happened, Angel. It’s just not something I can push out of my mind. But I think...” she trailed and took a deep breath before continuing. “No, I know...that I can forgive you.”

Buffy stopped pacing after finishing her sentence, but kept her back facing Angel. She couldn’t look at him just yet. She was still a little unsure of what she was doing. Could she really open up her heart to him again? Could she take the chance of getting hurt again?

Her eyes closed as she took a few deep breaths. Yes, she could take all those chances. She didn’t want to lose out on the possibility of happiness because she was afraid to give him a second chance. That was what she had realized earlier that day. She wanted a chance at happiness...happiness with Angel.

Angel sat on the couch in shocked stillness, his mouth hanging open. Had he really just heard her say that she could forgive him? He couldn’t possibly have heard that. But he had. She had just opened the door to giving them another chance.

“You can?” he spoke in disbelief.

Buffy turned to face him finally. “Yes.”

He stared at her for a moment, not knowing how to react. “I-I don’t know what to say. I never expected you would forgive me.”

“I’m not saying we can just jump back into what we had before. It’s going to take a while for me to rebuild the trust I had in you,” she told him honestly.

“I know, and I understand. I-I...” Angel stopped speaking, his emotions becoming too hard to control. His eyes grew moist with tears at the realization that Buffy was going to forgive him and let them try again. “I-I’m sorry...I just didn’t expect this. When I didn’t hear anything from you, I thought you hated me.”

Buffy took a step closer to him. “I could never hate you, Angel. I just needed some time to think about everything. I had no idea what I wanted. But I know that I miss you. And this...everything that’s going on with the coma and the memory loss is so hard,” she choked back a sob. “And I wake up everything morning wishing you were with me. That you would just hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay.”

Angel’s heart broke as he saw the tears streaming down Buffy’s cheeks. Without thinking, he got up off the couch and walked over to her. His arms wrapped around her now shaking form.

Buffy fell into his embrace, instantly feeling safer. Her senses were overwhelmed with the feel of his arms on her body, and the spicy scent of his cologne. She wrapped her arms around his waist, her tears falling rapidly onto his unclothed chest. The stresses of her situation were suddenly overtaking her and the only thing she could do was cry.

His hands soothingly rubbed her back as he gently held her to his body. He hadn’t seen her in a week and had no idea that she was holding in so much because of the coma and memory loss. As her body sagged further against his, he went against his logical reasoning and picked her small body up.

Walking over to the couch, Angel sat with Buffy in his lap. His hands continued to rub her back as he let her release her pain.

“Shh, baby,” he whispered into her ear. “Everything will be okay. I promise.”

“It’s...so...hard, Angel,” she said between sobs. “There’s so much I don’t know. I hate it.”

“I know. I wish I could promise you that will get back all the memories, but I can’t. But I can promise you that I will be there for you,” he assured her, lifting her chin to look into her eyes as he spoke so that she would know he was serious.

Buffy tucked her head back down onto Angel’s chest. She wanted to believe his words, but she was still afraid. So she just continued to cry, taking comfort in his embrace.

Finally, after almost twenty minutes, her sobs quieted.

“I’m sorry for crying all over you,” she apologized softly, wiping at the wetness on his bare chest.

“I didn’t mind at all,” he answered with the half grin that she loved.

Buffy smiled weakly in return, feeling exhausted all of a sudden.

Noticing her tiredness, Angel spoke. “I should get you home so you can get some sleep. How did you get here anyway?”

“I had Xander bring me over,” she explained with a yawn.

“Come on, I’ll drive you home. Your Mom, Giles and Willow must be wondering where you are,” he stated, hating that he would have to let her out of his arms.

“No one’s home. Mom and Giles are away until tomorrow, and Willow went up to LA with Oz for some gig that the band had,” she told him, snuggling deeper into his arms. The last thing she wanted to do was leave him, not after it had taken her so long to come to him.

“Oh,” he muttered, not liking the idea of leaving her alone at the house.

“I want to stay here with you,” Buffy mumbled against his skin, knowing full well that staying with Angel was rushing things a little.

“You do?” he asked, surprised.

“Yeah,” she whispered, her arms holding him tighter. “Could you just hold me until I fall asleep?”

Angel smiled at her. “I would love to.”

“What are you doing?” she asked when Angel started to get off the couch with her in his arms.

“I don’t think the couch would be very comfortable to sleep on. We should go into my bedroom,” he explained as he stood up, still holding Buffy.

“Oh, okay,” yawned Buffy, resting her head on Angel’s chest.

Angel carried her into his room and laid her gently on his bed. Buffy snuggled underneath the covers as Angel went into the bathroom and changed into a pair of sweatpants. When he return he crawled into the bed next to Buffy and pulled her body against his, wrapping his arms tenderly around her.

“Thank you,” Buffy mumbled before drifting off to sleep.

“You’re welcome,” he answered although he knew she was already asleep.

The sight of Buffy in his arms, in his bed, caused Angel to stay awake long after Buffy had fallen asleep. It was almost too much to believe. When he had woken up this morning he hadn’t expected this at all. But he was so very glad that it had happened. Having Buffy back in his arms was a dream come true.

“I love you,” Angel whispered softly and kissed her forehead before he too drifted off to sleep, a happy smile playing on his lips.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Part 16 – Strange Encounters

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Author’s Notes: I used a line from a past Buffy episode in this part, although I’m not saying which yet. Don’t want to give anything away. You’ll know the line when you read it.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

~two weeks later~

Buffy stared into the mirror in her bathroom at her reflection. A soft smile shown on her lips, as it had for the past two weeks, ever since the night she had gone to Angel. Her smile grew as she thought of him. They’d spent the last two weeks getting to know each other once again, which was a little tough considering Buffy’s condition.

Their relationship wasn’t back to what it has once been, no where near. There were still awkward moments, and the level of trust was still missing, but they were together and they were working their way back to one another. Most of the time they spent together was just used to talk.

Angel had done most of the talking, actually. He told her all about his years in college, his attempts to move on, and his complete failure in doing so. It had hurt her to hear that he’d been with other women, but she was comforted by the knowledge that in the end, he’d come back to her.

So far, the level of intimacy in their renewed relationship was at a minimum. They’d only shared a few innocent kisses. And although Angel had shared her bed more than a few times in the past two weeks, nothing had happened between them. It was a relief to her, in a way.

Her mind was still in too much of a state of confusion to engage in that type of intimacy. It was still a daily struggle dealing with the fact that four years worth of events were missing from her memory. And she still had a great deal of suspicion that the others were hiding things from her, even Angel. But she didn’t push. She wasn’t quite sure if she wanted to know what they were hiding. If it was bad enough to keep from her, then maybe she really didn’t want to know.

Having Angel back in her life, though, had made things so much better. He would hold her as she cried and take her anger over stupid things like not remembering where something in the house was. Almost every day he would come to the house straight from work and spent hours with her, sometimes staying through the night. Buffy couldn’t help but be glad that she had gone to him that night two weeks ago.

She glanced at herself in the mirror again. Her skin was started to tan nicely from the days spent at the beach recently with the gang, and her face had lost the sallow, gaunt look to it due to Angel’s determinedness to get her to take better care of herself. He could be a bit over protective, but she didn’t mind all that much.

Grabbing her sweater, Buffy left her bathroom and headed downstairs. Willow had called the gang over, saying she needed to tell them all something. Buffy had no idea what the meeting was about, she just hopped that everything was okay with her best friend.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Fifteen minutes later the entire gang was present in the living room at the Giles’ house. Willow and Oz sat together on the loveseat. Angel was seated in a plush chair with Buffy cradled in his lap, and Xander and Cordelia sat side by side on the larger couch in the room.

Willow’s gaze landed on Buffy and Angel for a moment. She couldn’t have been happier for her two friends. They were meant for each other. When Angel had left like he did five years earlier it hadn’t made sense to any of them and she hated Angel for hurting Buffy as he had. She knew his reasons now, and although they weren’t the best, she could somewhat understand why he did it. She was just happy that they had found their way back to each other.

Xander’s words interrupted her internal thoughts. “So, Willster, what’s the big meeting for?”

She didn’t answer immediately, instead glancing over to Oz. He nodded his head almost imperceptibly to her. So she focused her attention back onto her friends.

“Umm, Oz and I have something to tell all of you,” she spoke nervously.

Both Buffy and Cordelia looked at her curiously while the two men just looked to their friends. Willow fidgeted under their stares as she gathered her thoughts.

“Well, are you going to tell us?” Cordelia asked bluntly.

“Umm, yeah. Well, you know that I haven’t been feeling that great lately, and that I’ve been sleeping a lot...” she trailed off, not able to get the rest out.

“Oh my God! Are you sick?” Buffy shrieked, suddenly worried for Willow.

“Uhh, not exactly,” Willow answered. She took a deep breath and clasped one of Oz’s hands into hers. “I’m pregnant.”

The entire group stared in her in total shock. None of them had been expecting what they had just been told. And it was just a little weird to hear that two of their friends were going to have a baby and be parents.

Xander was the first to come out of his daze to speak. “Wow...that’s...wow. Congratulations!”

“I’m so happy for you!” Cordelia told them as she gave Willow a hug. “We are going to have tons and tons of shopping to do!”

Everyone laughed at that statement. Cordy was always looking for a reason to shop.

“Congratulations,” Buffy spoke softly, lost in thought.

“Yes, to both of you,” agreed Angel, his own thoughts drifting to images of Buffy carrying his child.

“So you guys are okay with this?” Willow questioned, looking at the group.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t we be?” Cordy asked with a scowl.

“Well, you know how some people can get when it comes to young people getting pregnant, especially when they aren’t married,” Willow shrugged. She was just happy that all of her friends seemed to be taking the news well.

“Are you guys okay with it?” Angel posed to both Willow and Oz.

“We weren’t expecting or planning it, but we’re not unhappy with it,” Oz explained with a smile to Willow.

“Yeah, I mean, we always said we wanted children, just later on. But sometimes Fate has other plans,” Willow furthered, her hand drifting to her abdomen that would soon be expanding with Oz’s child. “So you guys are really okay with this?”

The gang all chimed in and vowed their support for the couple, although there was one member of the group that was quieter than the rest. If anyone noticed, they didn’t say anything. Instead they all continued to chat for the next half hour.

After Oz and Willow had left to go see Oz’s parents, Cordelia and Xander left to return to their apartment that they shared which left Buffy and Angel alone in the living room.

“You okay?” Angel questioned when he saw Buffy looking a little pale.

“Yeah, I just have and upset stomach,” she told him. Her stomach was suddenly churning for no apparent reason.

Angel frowned. “We don’t have to go out to dinner if you don’t want to,” he offered, reminding her of their plans to have a quiet dinner for two out at their favorite restaurant.

“No,” Buffy smiled weakly. “I still want to go.”

Angel watched as she got off the couch and had to steady herself by grabbing its arm. He couldn’t help but be worried about her. She had been doing so well the past week and it looked like she was relapsing a little. But if she wanted to still go out, he would take her. He could never say no to her. At least not anymore.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Their dinner was eaten mostly in silence, but not an uncomfortable one. Mostly they were just enjoying their quiet time together at their favorite Italian restaurant. Angel could tell, though, that there was something bothering Buffy. But he wasn’t sure if he should ask her about it.

His concern finally got the best of him. “Are you okay Buffy?”

“Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. I guess so,” she shrugged noncommittally.

“Are you sure?” he repeated, knowing that she had something on her mind.

“Yeah....it’s....it’s just that I have this strange feeling of déjà vu. I don’t know about what. I just can’t get the feeling out of my head,” she explained, trying to figure out herself what was going on.

Angel looked at her, wondering what she meant. What could be giving her déjà vu? Was it possible that her memories were starting to worm their way back into her consciousness? He wanted to press her further, but wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do.

“Do you want to go home?” he asked her while taking her small hand into his, stroking his thumb across her palm.

“No,” she sighed as she gave up trying to figure out what was bothering her. “This is our night out, I don’t want to ruin it.”

“Ok, if you insist,” he smiled at her. “Should we order some dessert?”

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

A little while later the two were happily sharing a delectable dessert when their peace was interrupted by a seeming stranger.

“Buffy Summers? Is that you?” the new voice questioned as he walked up to the table.

“Umm, yeah, that’s me,” Buffy answered, wondering who this guy was. He looked strangely familiar.

“Wow, it’s been a long time,” he stated with a small leer towards Buffy, completely ignoring Angel.

“And you are,” Angel gritted out, disgusted by the way this jerk was ogling his girlfriend.

“Parker Abrams,” the man stuck out his hand to Angel.

“Angel Malloy,” Angel stated, shaking the man’s hand firmly.

Buffy nervously fidgeted in her seat. It wasn’t lost on her the way he was perusing her body. Who the hell was this guy? She searched her memory but she couldn’t remember him or anything about him, but there was a sense that she should know him. Had she been friends with him or something the past four years?

Parker studied Angel for a minute, checking the guy out. “So this is the new guy, huh?” he laughed crudely.

“What’s that supposed to mean,” Angel narrowed his eyes at the jerk in front of him.

“Nothing, man. Just a question,” Parker said simply, not seeing anything wrong with his actions.

“Well, then to answer your question, yes I am the new, or I guess you could say, old guy,” Angel answered sharply wondering how this guy knew Buffy.

Buffy watched the scene before her. Her head was started to spin, making her feel incredibly dizzy. She reached up and placed a hand on her head, hoping to quell the throbbing ache beginning to form.

“Some advice, buddy, on sweet little Buffy, here,” smirked Parker with a glance to Buffy. “The word is stamina. I mean, definitely a bunny in the sack, but later on, well. You know the difference between a freshman girl and a toilet seat? A toilet seat doesn't follow you around after you use it,” he finished with a chuckle.

Angel shot out of his seat the second the words left the jerk’s mouth. His fist pulled back to punch the asshole when he realized they were in the middle of a restaurant. He quickly stopped himself. The last thing he wanted to do was upset Buffy any more than this guy, Parker, already had.

“Leave, now,” Angel gritted out angrily, standing up to his full height in front of Parker.

“Hey, chill out, man. Just giving some friendly advice between us guys,” Parker stated, taking a step away from the glaring man.

“Leave!” Angel ordered. To his relief, the Parker guy turned and walked away. When he looked back to Buffy he was shocked at what he saw.

Buffy was still seated at the table, but every ounce of color had drained from her face and tears steadily streamed down her cheeks. Angel stared in alarm He knew what the guy had said was awful but he hadn’t thought she would take it that badly.

“Buffy?” he stated worriedly.

But she didn’t hear him. Her hands began to shake uncontrollably. The fork she’d been tightly grasping in her left hand suddenly dropped and clanked onto the plate in front of her.

“Oh my God,” she whispered to herself hoarsely as images plagued her mind.

Angel began to move to her side. “Buffy, baby, what’s wrong?”

Her eyes shot up as she heard him this time. Instead of responding, she leapt out of her chair, knocking it over in the process. She stumbled slightly, and looked at Angel for a second before turning and dashing out of the restaurant, her sobs resonating to everyone present.

“Buffy!” Angel shouted, but she was already out the door.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

AN3: The line quoted was from the season 4 ep ‘The Initiative’.

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Part 17 – From Parker, With Love

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Warning: bad language, heart-wrenching misery, and Parker bashing.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

The sudden fleeing of his girlfriend shocked Angel into stillness momentarily. What the hell had just happened? Could that bastard’s cruel words have upset her that much? Finally snapping back into the present, Angel started to move to leave the restaurant. He stopped quickly, pulling out his wallet. He tossed a few bills onto the table before running out of the restaurant after Buffy.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Buffy was sprinting down the sidewalk away from the restaurant. She needed to be anywhere, somewhere. She needed air. Her foot caught on a crack in the pavement and she fell to the ground with a thud. The pain didn’t even register into consciousness.

Images flooded her mind in a swirling mass of confusion. She grabbed her head, whispering the word ‘stop’ to herself. Her stomach twisted into knots as she wretched its contents onto the sidewalk in front of her.

Weakly, she pulled herself to her feet, ignoring the blood trailing down her leg from the fresh gash on her knee. Tears and confusion blurred her vision as she stood. She steadied herself by grasping onto a sign post on the edge of the sidewalk.

Angel’s voice shouting her name not far away spurred her back into action. She couldn’t see him, couldn’t talk to him, couldn’t look him in the eye knowing what she now knew. She shoved herself away from the sign post and once again took off in a sprint.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Angel rounded the corner of the building and stopped. Buffy was no where to be found. He had no idea where she went. He could be going in the complete opposite direction for all he knew.

Looking in all directions, Angel tried to figure out where Buffy would go. His mind also replayed what had happened in the restaurant. Every thing the Parker guy had said was repeated in his mind.

If what the guy had said was true then Buffy had obviously been with him. Was that what had upset her so much? Possibly. But to cause her to run out of the restaurant and away from him? That seemed a bit severe. There had to be something else.

Angel tried to remember the conversation he had with Willow right after returning to Sunnydale. The one where she had told him all that had happened to Buffy while he was gone. Was what had happened tonight related to something Willow had told him? He tried to remember, but the conversation had been so long ago and he had been so out of it from finding out that Buffy was in a coma that he couldn’t think of anything.

All he knew was that something that guy had either said or done, or maybe both, had caused Buffy’s actions. She had been relatively fine until that jerk showed up. If he ever saw that rat bastard again he wouldn’t hold back on beating his scrawny ass.

Shaking his head, Angel forced the violent thoughts out of his mind. Right now he needed to find Buffy. And fast. She was in no condition to be by herself. He was amazed as it was that her remaining physical weakness had allowed her to run away as she had.

He stood there in the middle of the sidewalk trying to figure out where she would go. The realization dawned on him suddenly. There was one place she would always go when she needed to be alone, or when they wanted some quiet time together. As he took off running, Angel hoped he was right and that was where she was.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

She stared unfocused at the wild, untamed flowers twinning their way around the forsaken garden. She hadn’t even realized where she was going until she arrived there. The there being the old, abandoned mansion on Crawford Street.

She’d discovered the place not long after moving to Sunnydale while out walking one day. Since then it had become a bit of a safe haven for her. Whenever she was stressed, or upset she’d go there, and then later it became her and Angel’s secret spot. She’d even once told him that she planned on buying and restoring the place someday.

Her knees buckled as the images continued to assault her senses. Tears streamed down her cheeks unchecked leaving mascara darkened trails across her skin. But she could have cared less about her appearance at that moment.

Unable to stand any longer, Buffy collapsed to the ground. Her back rested against the empty fountain as she pulled her knees up to her chest. She absentmindedly swiped at the drying blood crusting around the closing gash on her leg before resting her head against her knees. Sobs shook her body as she rocked back and forth on the cold stone underneath her.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

That was how Angel found her almost fifteen minutes later when he arrived at the mansion. Relief coursed through him from the fact that he’d guessed right on where she would go. His eyes watered at the sight of her shaking body on the ground. He approached slowly, she obviously hadn’t noticed his presence yet. Should he say anything? He didn’t want to have her run off again.

He cautiously moved toward her, coming to a stop directly in front of her body. She gave no sign that she was aware he was there. Silently, he crouched at her feet. He wanted to take her into his arms, but didn’t think it wise.

“Buffy?” he spoke as softly and gently as possible. When he received no response he placed a hand onto hers which were clasped around her legs.

Buffy’s head shot up at the touch. Her eyes widened when she saw Angel kneeling in front of her. Quickly, she scrambled away from him and came to her feet. She backed away from him as he stood also.

“Buffy, baby, please...tell me what’s wrong,” he pleaded, heartbroken over the look in her eyes and her actions.

She continued to back away from him, obeying the urge to flee. Her eyes darted around the garden looking for the best way to escape.

“Buffy,” Angel took a step closer. “Baby, whatever it is, you can tell me. You can always tell me anything.”

Her movements stopped at his last words. Could she tell him? Could she really tell him?

Would he hate her? Would he be disgusted? She looked into his eyes and saw the love shining in them. How could she tell him what she now knew?

Angel sensed that he was starting to get through to her. He took yet another step toward her. “Please, baby, talk to me.”

She stared at him momentarily before closing her eyes. Her hands trembled as she tried to piece the images into a more cohesive memory. More tears streamed down her cheeks as events played out in her mind. Slowly, her eyes opened, pained radiated out of them as she once again looked to Angel.

“I remember,” she spoke in a choked whisper.

“What do you remember, sweetie?” he asked as softly as possible, not wanting to frighten her. He was fearing whatever she was about to tell him. It obviously wasn’t good judging by her condition.

“I-I...I...,” she stopped speaking and tried to calm her raging emotions. “I don’t know where to start.”

“Just start at the beginning, take as long as you need. I’ll be here for you,” he reassured her.

Buffy paced for a moment, her memory still a bit fractured and confused. “It was sophomore year, n-not long after it s-started. I met h-h...him.”

“Parker?” Angel prodded slightly.

“Yeah. I bumped into h-him in the dorms one day. He s-seemed so n-nice. H-he was and upper classmen, and I-I couldn’t believe he n-noticed me,” she paced a few more steps and wiped at tears in her eyes. “W-we started hanging out a-a lot.”

Angel saw her eyes look to him as if she was afraid he would angry that she had gone out with someone else. He walked to her and took her hands into his, warming her clammy skin. “It’s okay, baby. I’m not angry.”

“We went o-out for a few weeks. T-then one night I went back to his dorm room with him...,” she couldn’t finish the sentence. She didn’t want to say the words out loud.

Angel nodded his head in understanding, knowing it was hard for her to talk about and seeing the pain in her eyes.

“The n-next m-morning, he was acting a l-little weird, but I b-brushed it off,” the tears fell harder from her eyes at the memory. “Then l-later when I tried to t-talk to him, he...he...”

Pulling her into his arms, he soothingly rubbed her back. “Shh, baby. It’s okay.”

“He...he said it was fun. That....that was all it was. Fun,” she sobbed into Angel’s chest. “I-I couldn’t believe he’d d-do that.”

Rage flared in Angel that someone could do that to any woman, let alone Buffy. Who the hell did this guy think he was?

“I w-was crushed. I-I didn’t want to talk to a-anybody,” she mumbled, shuttering as the images, fresh in her memory, replayed in her mind. “Then...then...”

Angel pulled away slightly and lifted her chin to look into her eyes. He had a sinking suspicion that he knew what was about to come. “Then what, baby?”

“T-then a f-few weeks later....I-I realized I-I w-was pregnant,” the last word was barely audible as her tears fell harder.

His shoulders sagged at the brutal revelation that he had suspected but not really wanted to hear. And he had an overwhelming need to kill the son of a bitch who was responsible. He took a moment to calm himself before looking back into Buffy’s eyes. He had a feeling he already knew what had happened.

“Oh Buffy, baby. I’m so sorry,” he soothed, raising a hand to brush away some of her tears, but more only fell.

“I-I was so scared,” continued Buffy, almost not hearing Angel’s words. She couldn’t stop now. “I d-didn’t know what to do. B-but, I-I don’t know. I was h-happy. Part of m-me was happy. I h-had a helpless l-little life g-growing in me.”

She stepped out of Angel’s arms and he reluctantly let her go. Not knowing what to say, he just let her continue to talk.

“I didn’t tell a-anyone. I-I knew what they’d t-think. How d-disappointed they’d b-be,” her voice trembled as she spoke, her legs moving her unconsciously around the darkened garden. “I-I couldn’t help but l-love it. It was m-my b-bay. I-I knew I had to tell P-Parker.”

Angel’s eyes narrowed. If that arrogant little fuck... “Did he hurt you?” he growled out.

Buffy jumped slightly at his tone. “N-no. N-not physically. I went to his dorm, t-to talk to h-him. I r-ran into him in the hallway. H-he tried i-ignore me. S-so I just told him...a-about the b-baby. H-he...”

“What did he do?” Angel asked, managing to make his voice sound calm when inside he was raging.

“He l-laughed at me. T-told m-me that I-I was j-just a whore. That i-it couldn’t be h-his because he used p-protection. B-but I told him t-that I h-hadn’t been with anybody e-else. He laughed at m-me again and s-said it was m-my problem n-not h-his. H-he just w-walked a-way,” she finished at a whisper, sobs beginning to shudder throughout her body again.

“That stupid fucking bastard!” Angel nearly screamed, unable to contain his anger.

Buffy continued as if he hadn’t spoken at all. She was too lost in her memories. “I-I couldn’t believe h-he’d act like t-that. I w-was s-so upset. I j-just ran. H-he lived on the s-second floor s-so I h-had to g-go down the s-stairs.”

Angels eyes widened as he realized what she was about to say. He took a few steps toward her.

“I-I don’t know what e-exactly happened. I-I g-guess I t-tripped. I-I fell d-down the stairs,” she choked out, her eyes closing at the memory.

“Oh God, B-Buffy,” Angel choked out, his heart twisting in pain at what she must have gone through.

“I t-thought I was f-fine. N-nothing h-hurt too b-bad so I-I just got u-up and started t-to walk b-back to m-my d-dorm,” she whispered, tears flowing steadily down her face. “B-but halfway t-there...the p-pain was s-so b-bad. S-somehow I-I made it t-to the campus m-medical c-center.”

“You lost the baby,” said Angel out loud.

Buffy looked up at him, the sadness emanating from her eyes almost crushed him. “Y-yes.”

“Oh, Buffy,” he whispered, feeling her pain within his own heart.

“I-it was m-my b-baby. My baby,” she repeated, her arms moving to wrap around her abdomen. “My b-baby. A-and t-then it w-was g-gone. M-my b-baby was g-gone.”

Salty tears now trailed down Angel’s cheeks. Seeing Buffy like this was almost too much for him to handle. He had no idea what to do, no idea how to comfort her.

“I-I loved i-it. I l-loved my b-baby. A-and I-I l-lost it,” she sobbed, holding her arms around her midsection tighter.

Panic mounted in Angel as her eyes suddenly rolled back into her head. He steps were a second too slow and he helplessly watched as she collapsed to the ground.

“Buffy!” he screamed in horror as he knelt down next to her motionless body.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Part 18 – Guilt Revisited.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Back and forth Angel paced across the floor in the waiting room at the hospital. He’d been doing it for the past fifteen minutes since arriving in the emergency room. His hands were still shaking from fear at seeing Buffy collapse. There was nothing worse than the utterly helpless feeling he’d had at watching her fall to the ground and being unable to do anything to help her.

Once the momentary shock had passed, he’d rushed to her side, scooping her up in his arms and trying to awaken her. When she didn’t come to after a few minutes, he’d quickly run all the way to the hospital with her cradled in his arms. And now he was pacing the waiting room waiting for news on her condition.

With the recent turn of events, Angel hadn’t even had a chance to contemplate what Buffy had remembered and revealed to him before her collapse. He briefly wondered when it was their lives had turned into some twisted soap opera. Things like what had happened to Buffy didn’t happen to normal people...did they?

With the sound of the waiting room door opening, Angel’s head shot up, hoping someone was coming to give him and update. Instead his eyes met with the worried faces of Buffy’s family and friends.

“Angel! What happened? Is Buffy all right?” Joyce panted, worry etched on her face.

“I-I don’t know. The doctors are with her. No one has been in to update me since they took her back,” Angel explained, running a hand through his hair.

“What happened?” Giles asked as he placed a comforting hand on Joyce’s shoulder.

“She seemed fine earlier,” added in Willow from her spot next to Oz. The two had just returned from LA when they had received Angel’s phone call about Buffy.

“She....she...” Angel sighed, trying to figure out what exactly he should tell them, not knowing what Buffy would want them to know. “Some of her memories returned. They weren’t....happy...memories. I guess it was too much for her to take and she fainted”

“Oh my God! The attack?” Joyce whispered, tears in her eyes.

“No, it wasn’t the attack. At least I don’t think so,” frowned Angel, realizing that he didn’t know what else Buffy had remembered. They all looked at him, waiting for him to explain what memories, then, had returned.

“What did she remember?” Xander questioned. What could have been so bad, if it wasn’t the attack, that it caused her to collapse?

“She,” started Angel, but then stopped. “I don’t think it’s my place to tell. She’ll have to be the one to tell you. But I will tell you they weren’t good memories.”

Joyce narrowed her eyes and stared at Angel. She was quite unhappy that Angel would not reveal the information that had caused her daughter to relapse. But Angel had no intention whatsoever of breaking Buffy’s trust even though she had never said not to tell anyone. It was her decision to make, though, if her friends and family were to know.

Angel went to open his mouth to further state that it was not his place to tell them when the door to the room opened again. This time it Buffy’s doctor who entered.

“How is she?” Joyce pleaded to the doctor.

“Mr. and Mrs. Giles,” greeted the doctor, and then nodded to the others. “The ER phoned me after she arrived since I am familiar with her case-“

“Just tell us if she is okay!” demanded Giles as he cut off the doctors words.

“She will be fine,” he told them, receiving a relieved sigh from the entire group.

“Oh, thank God,” sobbed Joyce, burying her head against her husband while the others hugged each other. Angel found himself unable to stand any longer and fell haphazardly into a chair.

“According to Angel,” the doctor begin, looking toward a now seated Angel. “Some distressing memories returned to Buffy tonight. Between the emotional stress of those memories, and her still weak physical condition, it just overwhelmed her system and she passed out.”

“But she will be okay?” Angel asked hoarsely, relief sweeping through him.

“Yes, she will be okay with a few days rest. She woke up while I was checking her over, but I gave her a mild sedative as well as something to help her sleep. We also gave her some fluids by IV. I’d say it’s best to keep her here overnight, but I think it would be better for her to awaken tomorrow in her own room,” he told them, knowing of Buffy’s fear of hospitals from her family.

“Yes, that probably would be best,” agreed Giles, still holding Joyce in his arms.

“I also suggest you contact her psychologist first thing in the morning. The return of some, or possible all, or her memories has obviously been quite a shock to her, she is going to need someone to help her deal with those,” the doctor explained.

“Yes, of course. We will do whatever necessary.” Giles replied.

“Good. I will prepare the paper work for her release and then you can take her home. She should sleep through the night from the medication I administered,” he relayed as he started to walk out of the room with the entire group following.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Angel sat in Buffy’s darkened room watching her sleep. She’d not waken up once during the trip from the hospital to the house. Thankfully, she seemed to be sleeping peacefully, whether that was from the medication or her exhaustion, he didn’t know.

So now, he was just sitting in her room, watching her. The others had finally gone to sleep twenty minutes earlier. Everyone was reluctant to leave in case she woke up, but eventually, they had. They were all staying at the house though. Willow and Oz were in their room, and Giles and Joyce had offered a guest room to Cordy and Xander.

Angel was relieved to finally have some time to himself. He hadn’t had a chance to think about all that he had learned that night. It was mind boggling. His heart broke for what Buffy had been through. To be used, tossed aside, and then find out you were pregnant. It had to have been horrible for her.

But it was even worse than that. From what Buffy had told him, it seemed that she had accepted the baby, even wanted it to a certain degree. And then even that was cruelly taken from her.

This new knowledge answered a lot of questions. At least in his mind it did. It had never made sense to him that, according to Willow, Buffy had gotten mixed up in an abusive relationship. The Buffy he knew would have never stayed with a man who hurt her.

‘The Buffy he knew’...that was the key phrase there. The Buffy he knew was the shy, yet outgoing, happy teenager. But she’d been broken. First with him breaking up with her and leaving, then Parker’s treatment of her, and then losing the baby. Her inner spirit had been trampled and destroyed. That Buffy was the one who had gotten into a harmful relationship.

Everything made so much more sense now. And he hated it. Everything that had happened to Buffy could be traced back to what he had done five years earlier. He’d started her downfall. If he hadn’t left she wouldn’t have gone out with Parker, wouldn’t have lost her baby, and wouldn’t have been emotionally dead.

It was all his fault. He’d permanently scarred the one person he loved most in this world. How would she ever forgive him for all that he had caused?

Angel slumped back in his chair at that thought. They’d come so far the last two weeks, rebuilding what they once had. And now it was about to all come crumbling down. He was sure that she was going to hate him once she realized that everything that had happened to her was his fault.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

For nearly five minutes, Buffy stared at her hands, trying to gather the courage to do what she was about to do. She knew they were all watching her, waiting for the words to come out of her mouth. But she just couldn’t seem to make herself speak.

From the moment she had woken up that morning, memories of the evening before washing over her immediately, she had known that this moment was coming. She would have to tell them what had happened all those years ago. None of them even suspected any of it, she knew that for sure.

Most of the morning she’d been able to put it off. The doctor had come by first thing in the morning to check on her, and then everyone else had had to see for themselves that she was fine. But she was anything but fine, in her head at least.

Still, she would have to tell them. It was time to stop running from her problems.

“Umm, what did Angel tell you?” she finally asked, lifting her head slightly to look at her friends and family.

“He told us that some of your memories returned last night,” Joyce said supportively. She hated seeing her daughter in so much pain.

“Y-yeah. They did,” Buffy stuttered slightly, the images still hard to handle.

“Whatever it is, Buffy, you know you can tell us. We’re your friends. We’ll always be there for you,” Willow stated gently. It was obvious to her that whatever Buffy had to tell them was scaring her friend.

“I know,” sighed Buffy. She knew they would be, just as they would have been when it had happened if she had only told them.

“We went out to dinner last night,” she began, taking a glance to Angel. He smiled reassuringly at her, but there was a look in his eyes that worried her. She would have to talk to him later. “We were almost done eating when this guy showed up and talked to me. I had no idea who he was. He said his name was Parker Abrams.”

Willow and Cordelia both gasped at the mention of the guy’s name, knowing that he was the man who had used their friend for sex.

“Yeah, him, of all people...” trailed off Buffy. “He...he said some stuff. I don’t know how or why it happened, but all the sudden all the i-images, memories, started appearing in my head.”

“Who is this Parker?” Giles cut in, not knowing the name.

Buffy looked at her friends, seeing the compassion on their faces, and then to her Mom and Giles. Her friends knew that Parker had used her, but not about the pregnancy that had resulted. Her parents, however, didn’t know anything about him.

“H-he was someone I, uh, went out with...”started Buffy slowly, a tear sliding down her cheek as the memories once again overwhelmed her.

Willow and Cordelia moved to sit next to Buffy, offering their support to their friend. Both were internally wondering what it was they were about to hear, but it wasn’t lost on either of them that whatever it was related to Parker. It had been after Buffy’s experience with him that she had changed drastically.

For the next half hour, the group listened as Buffy told them everything: meeting Parker, sleeping with him, what he had done afterwards, how hurt she had been, then finding out she was pregnant, how Parker had reacted, and then losing the baby. They listened in shock and awe as they heard a story that they had never even suspected before.

Not a dry eye remained as Buffy finished by telling them about being told she had miscarried. Willow and Cordelia hugged her tightly, Joyce cried on Giles’ shoulder, and all the men in the room looked as if they wanted to hunt Parker down and castrate him.

Everyone was silent for a minute. No one really knew what to say. They had never expected what Buffy had told them. She had been through so much and they hadn’t known about it. Never even suspected it.

Willow was the first to break the silence. “That was when you disappeared?”

“Yeah,” Buffy answered weakly. She was exhausted from reliving the horrible events again.

“We never knew,” Cordelia whispered softly.

“Oh Buffy,” Joyce sobbed while pulling her daughter into a hug.

“I’m sorry I never told any of you,” Buffy apologized, not meeting the eyes of anyone present. “I-I...I didn’t know how to tell you and then...”

Tears flowed down Buffy’s cheeks as she remembered her lost child. Even years later it was still hard to deal with. And with the memories being so fresh in her mind at the moment it was even harder.

“You know we would have stuck by you, right?” Xander spoke for the first time.

“I know,” her tears fell harder. “I was just so confused. And t-then....and then after, it’s all a blur. I...I was just so lost.”

Joyce, Willow and Cordelia gathered Buffy in their arms as her sobs increased. Xander, Giles and Oz stood back and watched, sadness radiating off them. Angel found himself unable to move. He wanted to be there comforting her, but the voice in his head was still telling him that he was responsible for all this. So he just stood there, longing to hold her, but believing that she must hate him.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

An hour later, after talking more with her friends and family, Buffy found herself in her room with only Angel remaining. She was thoroughly exhausted from the emotionally draining conversation.

Her gaze drifted to Angel, who seemed to be wary of approaching her. She wondered why he seemed to be afraid of her all the sudden. Things had been going so well between them and now he wouldn’t come near her.

“I-I guess I’ll leave you alone so you can get some sleep,” Angel said softly, although the last thing he wanted to do was leave.

“You’re leaving?” Buffy whispered, a yawn escaping her mouth.

“You need to get some sleep,” he replied, fighting the need he had to crawl into bed with her.

“Oh,” frowned Buffy. Why did he want to leave her? “Could...could you...”

“Could I, what?” Angel prodded gently.

“Could you just hold me until I fall asleep,” she requested, looking at him with pleading eyes.

Angel smiled at her even though he was surprised at her question. He really didn’t think she’d want him around after what he had caused to happen to her. “Umm, yeah, sure.”

“Thanks,” Buffy smiled slightly, her eyes already drifting closed as Angel slipped into the bed next to her.

“You’re welcome,” he spoke quietly.

He watched her as she fell into a restless sleep. More than anything he wished he could kiss away the frown that marred her perfect face, but he knew there was nothing he could do. He couldn’t erase all the pain that she’d been through. And now he didn’t even know if she would let him be there to help her through everything. His eyes welled with tears at thought of losing the love of his life once again.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Part 19 – It’s Not Your Fault!

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Angel awoke early the next morning, his subconscious not allowing him to sleep any longer. Glancing to the warm body curled against him, he was happy to find that Buffy was still sleeping soundly. She needed her rest, and he was almost afraid to face her. Afraid to hear her tell him that he was responsible for everything that had happened since he left.

Carefully, he loosened the hold her arms had on his body and climbed out of the bed. His gaze lingered on her still form for a minute. She looked better than she had the night before, but the pain was still etched on her face. Pain that he caused. If he hadn’t left like he did, she would have never slept with that stupid fuck who used her and tossed her aside.

His shoulders sagged as he again remembered all that she had revealed to him and the others the night before. All he had ever wanted was for her to be happy. Was that too much to ask? Would she be happy now if he had never broken up with her?

With a last look toward Buffy, Angel left the room. He was in desperate need of some coffee. Maybe it would help clear his mind. Maybe it would help him think of a way to earn her forgiveness for all that he had caused.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Walking into the kitchen, Angel was greeted by six sets of eyes staring expectantly at him. He groaned inwardly at the site. He had been hoping for some time alone to brood and digest everything he had recently learned. Obviously, that wasn’t going to happen.

“How is she?” Joyce asked as she poured some cream into her coffee.

“She’s still asleep,” he answered, getting himself a cup of coffee and sitting at the table with the others. “She slept through the whole night.”

“I still can’t believe all this. I never had any idea,” Willow said sadly.

“It makes what’s happened the last few years make more sense, though,” Xander added from his spot next to Cordelia.

“Yes, quite right Xander. And I do hate to bring this up, but there is an issue that has yet to come up,” spoke Giles worriedly as he cleaned his glasses.

The group at the table stared at him, wondering what it exactly he was suggesting. What more could there possibly be to the whole situation?

“The attack,” whispered Willow, suddenly realizing what had yet to be brought up.

“Oh, dear,” exclaimed Joyce.

“She didn’t mention it last night when she talked to us,” Cordelia reminded everyone.

“No, she only mentioned the things with...with Parker,” Angel stumbled over the words. He couldn’t quite find it in himself to mention Buffy and baby in the same sentence yet.

“I hate to put even more stress on her, but we should ask her about it,” Joyce stated with a sigh. When did her daughter’s life get so out of control? What had she, as her mother, done wrong?

“Maybe just one person should ask. I could be wrong, but I don’t think all of us confronting her would help,” chipped in Oz while pouring Willow a glass of juice. He tried to keep her caffeine intake to a minimum knowing how jittery it made her.

Everyone at the table turned to look at Angel who was staring at his hands. When he felt the eyes upon him he looked up at them. “What?”

“You’re the one she responds best to Angel,” Giles explained gently. “Perhaps it would be best if you asked her what else she remembers.”

Angel released a heavy breath and ran a hand through his hair. How was he supposed to talk to her about something like that when he didn’t even know if she would talk to him period? “Sure, I guess I can try.”

“You don’t have to, Angel. Maybe Willow could do it?” Joyce offered. She wished she could be the one to talk to Buffy. But they had never really been that close and she didn’t think Buffy would take to her prodding.

“No, that’s ok. I’ll try,” responded Angel, already worried over the upcoming conversation. “I think I’ll head over to my apartment first, though, and shower and change.”

“Oh, yeah, don’t forget that Buffy’s physical therapist will be here this morning too,” Willow reminded everyone.

“Ok, I’ll be back before he leaves,” answered Angel as he stood up and started to leave the room.

“We better go too. I promised my parents we’d come by today,” said Xander as he and Cordy also got up from the table.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Buffy sat on the windowseat in her room, staring out at the rain falling outside. Her eyes were blood shot and weary from the stresses of the previous night. Now that the memories of her lost child were back, she couldn’t seem to get them out of her mind.

Her fingers reached up to trace the raindrops hitting the window. The weather fit her mood. The heavy drops of water falling outside matching the tears that were again falling down her cheeks.

What would her child be like now, at around three years of age? Would it have been a boy or a girl? What would he or she have looked like? She knew it wasn’t good for her to wonder such things, but she couldn’t help it.

The silent maudlin musings were interrupted by a knock on the door. Buffy looked up to find Riley standing there with his typical goofy smile on his face. She groaned internally, not wanting to deal with her dorky physical therapist, and certainly not in the mood to do any exercises.

“Hi Riley,” she said dully.

“Hey Buffy,” Riley greeted as he walked toward her. “Your Mom said you might not be up for your session today.”

Buffy looked at him for a moment. Something about him bugged the Hell out of her but she couldn’t figure out why. “No, not really. I’m sorry you came all the way here.”

“That’s okay. It’s not that far of a drive,” he said with a smile. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I guess,” she shrugged in response. “Some of my memories decided to make themselves known last night.”

“Oh,” stated Riley, his frown not noticed by Buffy. “Okay, then. I guess I will see you on Monday.”

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

An hour or so later Angel entered Buffy’s room thinking that she would be in the exercise room with Riley doing her physical therapy. He was surprised to find her sitting on the windowseat with her forehead pressed against the glass. The fingers on her left hand were lightly tracing patterns in the portion of the glass fogged up by her warm breath.

He stood and stared for a minute before finally speaking. “Hey.”

Buffy turned her head to gaze at him, a small smile gracing her face at seeing Angel. “Hey. You’re back.”

“Yeah. I thought Riley was coming today,” he stated his confusion over the missing physical therapist.

“Oh, yeah. He was here, but I wasn’t feeling up to working out today,” she shrugged, standing up from her seated position.

She frowned as she looked at Angel. He seemed to be avoiding looking directly at her for some reason. That was definitely very un-Angel-like. He’d been acting weird since her revelations the night before. Was he disgusted by her now that he new the truth?

“Angel?” she asked and waited for him to finally look at her. “What’s wrong?”

“Wrong?” Angel repeated, not knowing what she was referring to.

“Why won’t you look at me? You act like you don’t want to be here.” The last part was spoken in a whisper, her fears that Angel was disgusted with her getting the best of her.

“I...uh...I-I..” he stumbled, casting his eyes downwards.

“You hate me, don’t you?” she stated, a tear leaking out of one of her eyes.

“What? No! No, I don’t hate you, Buffy!” Angel spoke adamantly. How could she possibly think he hated her?

Frustrated by his actions, Buffy walked to stand right in front of him and stared in to his face. Angel met her eyes for only a moment before turning away.

“Then why can’t you look me in the eyes?!?” she nearly shouted in anger.

“I...I...it’s hard for me to...look at you...knowing what you must think of me,” he answered softly, taking a few steps away from the insistent heat radiating off her body. He wished he could just sweep her into his arms and make love to her, but he didn’t understand how she could even stand to be in the same room as him.

Buffy gaped at him in confusion, her eyebrows pressing downwards from the force of her frown. “What are you talking about?”

“How can you even look at me or be around me after what I’ve done to you?” he screamed, his emotions surging and taking control.

“What you’ve done to me?” she repeated slowly. “I don’t understand. You haven’t done anything.”

“Yes I have!” Angel yelled, finally facing her. “If it wasn’t for me and what I did none of what’s happened to you the last few years would have happened.”

“Because of what you did? Angel, you’re not making any sense,” she stated in confusion. She honestly had no idea what he was talking about. He had nothing to do with her problems.

“Everything, Buffy, everything that’s happened to you is because of me. If I hadn’t left you, if I hadn’t made you think I didn’t love you, none of it would have happened,” he choked back a sob as he finished. He knew in his heart that he was to blame her for her pain and trauma.

“Because of...” she trailed off, the reason for Angel’s distance finally clicking into place. “No! No, Angel. This...what’s happened to me, is not your fault!”

Angel stared at her as if she’d grown another head. How could she possible not see how this was all his fault? It was obscenely obvious to him. She would have never gotten into the situations she had without hit monumental screw up.

“It is!” he shouted forcefully. “If I hadn’t left you, you would never have gone out with that sleazeball and you wouldn’t have had to go through losing a baby.”

Quiet descended in the room after Angel’s words. Buffy was trying to think of what to say to him to tell him it wasn’t his fault. She knew there was a certain logic to his reasoning. But she didn’t blame him. He hadn’t forced her to make the choices she had.

Buffy stepped up in front of him again raising her hand to rest her palm on his cheek. She lifted his downward cast eyes to look at her.

“It’s not your fault, Angel,” she said softly and sincerely. “It is not your fault.”

“Yes, it is!” he sobbed defiantly, the tears he’d been holding back now falling down his cheeks.

“No, Angel, it’s not,” she comforted, brushing at the tears with her thumb. “We don’t know would have happened if things had gone differently with us all those years ago. I had a lot of time to think this morning. I made my own choices, Angel. I chose to sleep with Parker. I chose to push my friends away. You didn’t make me do those things.”

“But you wouldn’t have had to do them if I hadn’t broken up with you!” he exclaimed hoarsely. Why didn’t she understand it was his fault?

“We don’t know what would have happened, Angel,” she disagreed, looking straight into his eyes and hoping he would listen to her. “You still would have gone away to college. Maybe what happened with Parker wouldn’t have happened, maybe it would, or maybe something else entirely would have.”

“But...But...” he started to interrupt.

“No buts, Angel. We’ve both made mistakes. We’ve both done things we wish we hadn’t. They can’t be changed, though. Nothing can take back the past. And we can’t dwell on it, either. We have each other now and that’s all that matters,” she told him with love shining in her eyes for him.

“I-I...I just hate seeing you in so much pain and knowing that I could have stopped it from happening,” he whispered, leaning into the hand stroking his cheek. “It breaks my heart knowing what you went through.”

“But it’s not your fault, Angel,” repeated Buffy again, her own tears now falling from seeing Angel in such distress.

“I only ever wanted you to be happy,” he sobbed before pulling Buffy into his arms.

Buffy wrapped her arms around his shaking body and held him close as he cried for the girl she had once been and no longer was. She gently led him toward the bed where she laid down and pulled him back against her. His head rested against her chest, his tears darkening the material of her shirt. Her hands soothed his tense body, showing through action the love she felt for him.

The hold her arms had on his body never slacked. Not even after he had fallen asleep, his head still resting upon her upper body. Long into the night she continued to embrace his large, strong form. Her mind was elsewhere, though, as she spent the quiet night hours sorting through the vivid, returned memories that now plagued her.

Hours after Angel fell asleep her own eyes finally began to drift closed. She nestled herself further down onto the bed, keeping her body twined with Angel’s. Gently, she reached a hand up to his tear stained face and lightly caressed his cheek.

“I love you, my Angel,” she whispered, placing a soft kiss on his forehead before sleep over took her weary body.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

In the darkened back corner of a bar a tall man sat, occasionally sipping a beer. His face was contorted into a frown as his fingers flicked drops of condensation off the glass in front of him. He looked up as another man strode up to the table and sat down.

“What was so damn important that I had to rush over here?” the second man growled.

“Hey, I’m doing you a favor!” the tall man spat back, his eyes narrowing at his companion.

“Whatever. Just tell me what the fuck I’m doing here so I can leave!”

“She’s remembering,” the first man spoke clearly, knowing the implications this new development would have.

The second man’s head snapped around at the words. His eyes bore into his informant as if daring him to repeat it. He quickly realized they were in fact true.

“You’re absolutely positive?” he asked, his words drawn out, various scenarios already running through his head.

“Yes,” the first man answered simply.

“Shit,” he cursed, quickly standing up from the table.

The door to the bar slammed shut as he forcefully stomped out to his car. His fist connected with its side panel causing him to curse loudly. He shook his head thinking about the new information. The situation had suddenly changed and he needed to do something about it quickly.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Part 20 – Past, Remembered< P>^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Early the next morning, the sound of a door opening and closely startled Angel out of his fitful sleep. His eyes snapped open to find Buffy standing beside the bed setting a tray down onto the nightstand. The smell of coffee and fresh baked blueberry muffins alerted him to the fact that she had brought breakfast up to the room.

He was about to speak when his thoughts suddenly turned to the previous night. His right hand reached up to cover his face as if to shield himself from the reality of his actions. He’d made a complete fool of himself by breaking down as he had. She must think he is total moron.

“You’re awake,” he heard Buffy say.

Removing his hand from his eyes, Angel shifted his gaze to Buffy. She looked better this morning, but the strains of the past few days were still showing on her face and body. Seeing her like that only made him hate himself more for losing control the night before. She didn’t need his emotional breakdowns on top of her own stresses.

“Yeah,” he answered, smiling at her cautiously.

Buffy frowned at his hesitance. She thought she’d gotten through to him, but it looked as if he was still doubting her words. Her head shook imperceptibly. He was the most stubborn person she knew.

“You okay?” she asked gently as she sat down on the bed next to him.

Angel sighed and sat up against the headboard. “Yeah. I’m...I’m sorry for the way I acted last night.”

“Angel,” Buffy spoke, taking one of his hands into hers. “You have nothing to be sorry about.”

“I shouldn’t have been like that,” he answered guiltily. He grasped her hand tighter, grateful to feel her soft warm skin against his.

“Angel,” she said again, pulling his hand up to place a light kiss on his knuckles. “Part of being in a relationship is dealing with the good times and the bad times and doing it together.”

“But you don’t need that kind of stress right now,” he disagreed with a shake of his head.

“Hey! I’m not a china doll!” she chided teasingly. “I’m may not be at full speed yet, but I’m not an invalid.”

“I know. I didn’t mean that,” he corrected himself. “You’ve got so much to deal with; you didn’t need me crying all over you.”

“I’m fine, Angel. No harm done. I’m glad you were able to let me in,” she smiled lovingly at him.

“But-“

“No buts, Angel! If we want to make this work then we have to talk to each other about the good and bad. We can’t hide things because it might hurt one of us,” she replied with a pointed look at him knowing his tendency to try and protect her.

“I know,” he sighed and leaned back against the headboard of the bed. “I just can’t stand seeing you hurting.”

Buffy’s shoulders sagged slightly, her mind flashing momentarily to the memories now known to her. She crawled up the bed and curled herself around Angel resting her head on his chest.

“Life’s not perfect, Angel. Bad things happening are inevitable,” she said softly, reaching a hand out to clasp with Angel’s. “The best we can do is be there for each other

Angel looked down at her now raised head. He wished he could protect her from all of the bad things in the world, but he knew she was right. There were going to be hard times. Nothing in life was ever perfect. But he swore he would do anything to keep her happy.

“I love you,” he whispered against her lips before kissing her softly.

“I love you, too,” she repeated when their lips broke apart.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

“Mmm, I could just lay here all day,” Buffy yawned a half hour later from her spot still curled against Angel. They had spent the past thirty minutes just holding each other in silent comfort.

“Me too,” Angel agreed, his left hand rubbing up and down Buffy’s back.

“Oh, I forgot! I brought breakfast up,” she pointed to the tray sitting on the nightstand next to the bed.

Angel looked at the tray and frowned. “You didn’t carry that up by yourself did you?” he questioned, remembering that she was still physically weak.

“No, but I could have,” she grumbled at his over protectiveness. “Oz brought it up for me.”

“I just don’t want you to get hurt trying to do too much,” he stated, reading her thoughts.

She smiled wryly at him before propping herself up and grabbing the tray. They sat in each other’s arms nibbling at the blueberry muffins Buffy had brought up. Every once in a while they would share innocent kisses, but they content to just be with each other.

Angel, unfortunately, knew there was a topic he had to bring up. He’d promised the others he would ask her, and he himself knew it was necessary. But he was dreading it nonetheless. He had no idea how she was going to react to having to talk about her past.

Sensing a change in his body language, Buffy looked up at Angel. She could tell there was something on his mind. He always got that look on his face that showed he was deep in thought. Part of her wanted to laugh at it. It was just so cute. But she couldn’t help but worry about whatever had him so pensive all the sudden.

“Hey. Whatcha thinkin’ about?” she questioned while tapping lightly on his forehead.

Angel looked her and sighed. He should have known that she would notice his brooding. Taking a deep breath, he sat up a little on the bed keeping his arms wrapped around his beloved.

“I, uhh,” he started, trying to think of the best way to ask what he needed to ask. “Well, there’s something that I need to ask you about.”

Buffy sat up and looked at Angel. The serious look on his face told her that his upcoming question was not going to be easy on her. “Okay.”

“How much of your memory has returned?” he blurted out while taking her hand into his.

Frowning, Buffy stared at him. “What do you mean?”

“Do you remember the attack? The one that put you in the coma?” he said as gently as possible, his fingers stroking her hand.

She didn’t answer right away as her mind sifted through the mass of images that were still new to her. “I never thought about it.”

“I didn’t think you had,” Angel replied. He sat quietly while he let her think about his question.

“I...,” she trailed off before shaking her head. “No. I...I remember up to a certain point but...but then everything’s blank after that until I woke up.”

Angel noticed her shiver and pulled her back into his arms. Something inside him told him that there was a lot more to this story than he knew and possibly more than she knew at the moment.

Buffy held Angel tighter as her mind drifted over the things that she wished she didn’t remember. Tears formed in her eyes when she thought about the things that she had done the past few years. With everything else going on, she hadn’t really thought about them, but now they were foremost in her mind.

“You know you can tell me anything. Nothing will make me love you any less,” Angel soothed after noticing your tears.

“I hated not remembering anything, but now that I do...It was so much easier when I didn’t know it all,” she cried into his chest.

“I know it must be harder, baby, but the only way to move on is to face the past,” Angel stated, trying not to sound like he was pushing her to talk. He knew, though, that it was best if she got it out instead of keeping it bottled up inside.

Raising her head off his chest, Buffy looked into Angel’s eyes. Was she ready to talk about it? Was she ready to tell him about how her life had turned into a Hellish nightmare? How would he react to hearing such things?

For nearly a full minute she stared into his beautiful, deep brown eyes. The love shining out of them for her was nearly palpable. In that moment she knew he would understand. He wouldn’t hate her for the things she’d done or the person she’d become. Above all, he would still love her. Just as she would if she were in his position.

She pulled away from him, needing the space to gather herself. Sitting cross-legged facing him, she began to tell Angel of the years from when he was gone.

“Well, you know all of what happened with Parker, and Willow told me she told you about the time before that so I guess I’ll start with after I lost the baby.” Her eyes drifted down to her hands as she thought about that horrible time in her life.

“Losing the baby was just too much. I was a shell after you left. As much as I knew I needed to move on, I just couldn’t do it. Then I met Parker and I started to...I don’t know. I guess Willow would say ‘snap out of it’. But then he used me for sex and left me pregnant. I wasn’t thrilled to be pregnant. I didn’t hate it either. But it was something to hold on to when I seemed to be losing everything else.”

“And then you lost the baby,” Angel supplied for her realizing where things were leading.

“Yeah,” she sniffled, still feeling the pain of her lost child. “I guess I just snapped. Everything is hazy from the moment the doctor told me I’d miscarried to when I found myself in L.A.”

“Los Angeles?” questioned Angel, keeping his eyes on her.

“I couldn’t stay here. Everyone would want to know what happened. And...and I just couldn’t tell them. Somehow I managed to pack a bag and get on a bus. L.A. was where I ended up.”

Angel didn’t respond but instead took one of her hands into his, lending her his strength. He couldn’t imagine how hard it must be for her to relive the worst time of her life. A time when he hadn’t been there. It was still hard for him not to feel guilty about her pain.

“I shut down after that...I didn’t feel anything, or care about anything. I stayed in L.A. for maybe two weeks before I came back to Sunnydale. When I did, I locked myself away from everybody. I didn’t want their pity, or them telling me things would get better. And I guess I thought that if I pushed them away, kept them out of my life...”

“They wouldn’t leave you,” Angel finished the sentence she had left hanging.

“Yeah. I know I must have hurt them, but at that point I didn’t really care. Everything seemed so far away and so cold,” she whispered, her tears beginning to fall again.

“And then you met Ford,” pushed Angel as he sensed her will to keep going faltering. He hated doing it, but he needed to keep her talking.

Buffy looked up at him in surprise. How did Angel know about Ford? “You know about him?”

“Willow just told me what she and the others knew which wasn’t much,” he answered honestly while his hands still held one of hers.

“Yeah, I guess they wouldn’t have known much,” Buffy laughed, the sound dripping with guilty sarcasm. “I didn’t exactly give them the opportunity to know anything about my life after I lost the baby.”

“I’m sure they will understand why you acted the way you did,” he comforted as best he could.

“I know. It’s just...” she shrugged and shook her head slightly. Not finishing her previous statement, she continued with her story. “I met Ford a few months after everything with Parker. I’d been hanging out in this sleazy bar drinking my nights away. It was just something to do and I knew I wouldn’t run into the others there.”

She wiped at the moisture in her eyes and tucked her hair behind her ears before going further. “Then Ford came in one night. He was just some hot shot, cocky guy who I never would have looked twice at before.”

“What made you go out with him?” Angel asked, his brow slightly scrunched as he tried to comprehend the idea of Buffy being with someone like that. She’d always hated those kinds of guys.

“Because it wasn’t about feelings. I...I don’t know. I had no interest in getting involved. But he was persistent. Always buying me drinks, telling me I was beautiful. He pushed and pushed and pushed until I said I would go out with him,” she responded, her teary, blood shot eyes lifting to meet Angel’s.

Angel met her gaze and nodded slightly, indicating for her to keep going. Her eyes closed as she took a deep breath. When they opened again, fresh tears were welled within, threatening to fall across her already wet cheeks.

“That was probably the biggest mistake I ever made. But at the time, I was so out of my mind that I didn’t realize what I was doing. At least I hope I didn’t. I remember it, but it’s all a blur, like I wasn’t really there,” she again wiped at the tears before shifting her position slightly on the bed.

“Anyways, we went out. He seemed nice and all so we went out again and then again. Before I knew it, I was moving in with him. I didn’t love him, but I was almost broke and I needed somewhere to stay,” confided Buffy as she reached over and took a drink from her glass of juice.

“Did you know what kind of person Ford was?” Angel pressed, wondering if she’d knowingly gotten involved with a drug dealer.

“No, not at first. He seemed...well, like just another guy. Not that he was overly nice,” she shrugged, feeling a pain in her heart that Angel knew what she’d gotten herself into. “I think I knew he didn’t really care about me. He was just happy to have a pretty blonde on his arm.”

“I found out about the drugs not long after I moved in. It was kind of hard not too when they were in the apartment and strange people were coming and going all the time. But somehow, I just didn’t care.” Her eyes shifted away from Angel as she finished, already knowing what he was going to ask next.

“Did...did you get involved...with the drugs?” Angel voiced the question Buffy had expected.

“Not with the dealing...but I-I...I tried a few things,” she spoke in a guilt laced voice.

“Oh,” responded Angel dejectedly. His hate for himself and his actions were once again growing.

“I’m sorry,” Buffy apologized. “I know you expected more from me.”

Angel’s head snapped up at the statement. “No...Buffy, you have nothing to be sorry for. You were hurt and lost. People do things they wished they hadn’t when they’re hurting.”

Buffy smiled slightly at his words, feeling a tinge of relief at his non-accusatory tone. “Thanks. It’s just hard...knowing what I did and knowing that it was not something I would have ever expected myself to do.”

“We all do things we regret, but we can’t change the past,” he stated while moving his legs to stretch them out in front of him.

“I know,” Buffy sighed. “It’s still hard.”

“I guess it was not long after I moved in that things changed. He started getting demanding and controlling. At first I let him and did what he told me to do. But the first time I said no....he...he hit me.” The last part came out in a whisper, her self-hatred for allowing herself to be abused showing through.

Angel’s breath hitched at hearing what he had already known said out loud. Willow had told him they pretty much knew Ford had hit Buffy, but it was still a bit of a shock to actually hear her say it.

“But you stayed,” he stated as supportively as he could given the subject of the conversation.

“I did. I-I don’t even know why. I just took it. Maybe I thought I deserved it-“

“NO!” Angel shouted irately. “No woman ever deserves to be hit, Buffy!”

“I-I know. Logically, I know that,” she choked out. “But....at the time, I just...I didn’t have a reason to leave...to want to leave. I had nothing, or no one else to turn to. At least I thought I didn’t.”

“So you stayed,” Angel said in more of a statement than a question.

“I stayed. Him hitting me just became part of my life. That’s just the way things were. I tried not to piss him off, but it was kinda inevitable,” she answered softly, wondering inside her head how she could have allowed herself to become the abused girlfriend.

“That’s all?” Angel asked after he realized she was finished with her story. He’d expected there to be more.

“Yeah. The months...or years, whichever...I was with him were just a cycle of nights at the bar, and sleeping the day away,” she further explained as she tried to press herself to remember more.

“What’s the last thing you remember?” he pushed, hoping that she would be able to tell him more of what had happened that had led to her attack.

“I...I don’t know really,” she paused. There really was no point in time that things just stopped in her mind. “There’s just a series of memories of my time with him...then there’s nothing.”

Sensing her frustration, Angel reached for her other hand, the one he hadn’t been holding, and clasped it firmly, but gently. “It’s okay, baby. I’m sure it’ll come back eventually. Maybe it’d be better if you didn’t remember the attack,” he suggested thinking that it might be best if she didn’t have to face what had happened to her in that alley.

“No! I have to remember it. How can I move on if there are still so many questions?” She refused to accept that there would be things about her own life that she didn’t know.

“I guess you’re right,” sighed Angel. And he knew she was. But he wished she wouldn’t have to deal with yet more pain. “You can’t make yourself remember, though.”

“I know.” Buffy’s shoulders slumped as she spoke. “I just wish this was all over with.”

Angel pulled Buffy against him for the first time she’d started telling her story. He couldn’t resist the need to comfort her any longer. “I know, baby. I wish there was something I could do, but I can’t. You’ll just have to give it time.”

Buffy relaxed in Angel’s arms. His embrace could always ease the tension from her body. “Thank you,” she murmured almost inaudibly.

“For what?” Angel asked for confused.

“For listening to me. For not hating me despite all the things I did,” she spoke quietly, her words muffled by Angel’s shirt.

“I could never hate you, Buffy. I told you before, we all make mistakes and do things we shouldn’t have. It’s part of life. We can’t focus on the past. You taught me that,” he whispered lovingly, placing a kiss on the top of her head.

Buffy said nothing in response. She wanted to believe his words. But it was hard not to hate herself for the battered, cold-hearted girl she’d become.

“Hey, how ‘bout we go out to dinner later. Nothing fancy, just pizza or something,” Angel posed wanting to change the subject and get her mind off the past for now.

“Mmm, sounds good to me,” Buffy smiled weakly before closing her eyes and drifting off to sleep in the arms of her Angel.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Later that night, after returning from sharing a quiet and thankfully uneventful dinner at one of the local pizza parlors, Buffy and Angel strolled slowly into the moonlit gardens behind the house. Their clasped hands swayed casually between them as they walked toward one of the benches near the fountain.

From the corner of his eye, Angel glanced at Buffy. She looked much more relaxed than she had earlier. The night out had been good for her, especially since the past had not come up the entire time. He was still worried about her though, and wished she had let him take her up to bed to get some sleep since she was still physically weakened from the coma. She’d insisted, though, on sitting out in the gardens for a little while so that they could enjoy the beautiful night and the full moon.

As they reached the bench, Angel sat first and pulled Buffy down onto his lap. His arms wrapped around her and held her against his body. For a moment, it felt like they had slipped into the past. They had often spent quite nights together like this, just enjoying being with each other. And for just a moment, he forgot about all that they’d both been through.

“This is nice,” Buffy stated softly, almost hating to interrupt the tranquil silence surrounding them.

“I know what you mean,” he agreed, resting his chin on the top of her head.

“Will things ever be like they used to?” she questioned out of the blue, surprising Angel.

“I don’t know,” Angel answered in complete honestly. “I don’t think they’ll ever be the same. We’ve both changed too much. But maybe they’ll be better.”

“I hope so,” she sighed, her eyes closing as she wished they could just go back and erase the past five years. “I missed this. Us. Being together.”

Angel’s heart clenched at the words. He had too, and a little voice in his mind was telling him that he wouldn’t have had to miss it if he hadn’t have left her.

“Me too, baby. Me too,” he whispered against her hair.

The sat in silence for the next fifteen minutes, content on just holding each other as they had once often done. The ringing of the phone inside the house broke the peaceful moment that had entranced them both.

Grumbling, Angel stood and placed Buffy on the bench before walking toward the house to answer the ringing annoyance. He would have just let it ring, but he suspected that it was probably one of their friends calling to check up on Buffy and he didn’t want to worry them.

Finally reaching the kitchen, Angel picked up the phone and mumbled a curt ‘hello’ to the caller only to find no one on the other end. He cursed under his breath before slamming the receiver down into its holder. He couldn’t help but be annoyed that his time with Buffy had been so rudely interrupted.

Angel walked quickly back through the gardens, wanting to return to his love and resume their peaceful night. His steps were abruptly halted when he spotted the bench with Buffy no longer seated upon it.

Immediately, his eyes scanned the surrounding area. He figured she’d just gotten up to wander around, but she was no where to be seen. A frown formed on his face as his worry began to grow. She couldn’t have gone far away in the minute he’d been gone.

“Buffy?!” he shouted as he dashed over to the bench where he’d left her.

He received no answer to his plea, the only sounds to be heard were the monotonous chirps of the various nighttime insects. His eyes suddenly spotted something lying on the ground in front of the bench. Reaching down to pick it up, Angel realized that it was the sweater that had been tied around Buffy’s waist.

His eyes shot upward as a frightening chill swept down his spine. Something wasn’t right. He could feel it deep in his bones.

“BUFFY!?!?!” he screamed in panic, his eyes again searching around the gardens, but finding nothing.

“BUFFY!!!”

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Part 21 – Save Me

Warning: References to domestic violence, and language

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Slowly, her world righted itself. Tiny pinpricks of reality edged into her consciousness. Dinner...Angel...the gardens...the bench...a phone ringing...and then nothing. She shook her head slightly in confusion, immediately regretting the action as shards of pain shot through her skull. Attempting to raise her hands to sooth her aching head, Buffy was horrified to find that she couldn’t move her them.

Panic raced through her veins as her situation dawned on her. The dull memory of sitting on the bench waiting for Angel to return and then feeling someone behind her, pressing something against her nose suddenly flashed into her mind. Her eyes squeezed shut as she fought acceptance of the facts that were plaintively obvious.

However much she wanted to deny her current reality, she couldn’t. Not when she was sitting...somewhere....with a throbbing head and her hands apparently tied behind her back. It was impossible to ignore the cold, hard truth. And in this case, the cold and hard was literal since it seemed that she was seated upon a concrete floor.

Cautiously, Buffy pried her eyes open. Fear and adrenaline had her heart pounding in her chest. She had no idea what she would be faced with once her eyes were open. Was someone going to be standing in front of her holding a gun? Was there more than one person? Who would want to kidnap her anyway?

The sight that greeted her wasn’t quite what she had been expecting. In all honesty, she couldn’t really see much. The room was pitch black except for the slim beams of moonlight shining in through tiny windows near what looked like the ceiling. Other than that, there wasn’t much she could see.

There didn’t appear to be anyone in the room with her, either, which struck her as rather odd. She was also relieved, though, that no one was there with her. At least she wouldn’t have to deal with some crazed lunatic...yet.

Squinting her eyes, Buffy tried to see more of the room that she was imprisoned in. She couldn’t make out any furniture or things along that line. The room seemed empty except for some pipes, one of which she was tied to.

As she struggled to understand her situation better, tears began forming in her eyes. She was trapped in some cold, dank room, tied to a pole. And she had no idea who would want to do this to her. She was just a girl, never harmed anybody. Why would they want to kidnap her? Over and over that question echoed in her head.

She struggled to move around in her bound position, but that only made her arms ache worse. Her tears now freely flowed down her cheeks as she huddled her knees up to her chest. Angel must be so worried. She’d just disappeared.

Her beloved’s face appeared in her mind as sobs shook her small body. The vivid image was a comfort she’d gladly take. She knew he’d find her. There was no doubt in her mind. Angel would come for her, would save her and take her away from this dark room.

He would come.

She repeated that phrase in her head in a soothing mantra that soon lulled her into an exhausted sleep. Her last thought before drifting off was a silent plea to her Angel to save her.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

“Ow! Damnit! That fucking hurt!” Angel roared in agony.

“Well, if you hadn’t punched a plate glass window I wouldn’t have to be standing here pouring disinfectant on it!” Willow nearly screamed at him in response.

The others present in the room stared at her in mild shock, not used to hearing meek little Willow speak in such a harsh tone. But they were all on edge. Angel’s phone calls had set them all into a panic. Now they were all just standing around helplessly in the kitchen as the police searched for clues outside in the gardens.

“I told you it didn’t need to be taken care of!” he growled back at her.

“Oh, right. You just want to us let you bleed to death. Lot of good that will do Buffy,” snorted Cordelia in her typically sarcastic tone.

“She’s right, Angel,” Joyce spoke in a quiet voice, hoarse from crying. “You need to get that looked at. We can’t do anything right now, anyway.”

“I...I’m sorry.” Angel’s shoulders slumped as he spoke. “I hate just standing here like this. What the Hell is taking them so long out there?”

“I am sure they will let us know if they find anything,” offered Giles in consolation as he placed a comforting hand on his wife’s shoulder. He had no idea how he was keeping himself from falling into a complete panic.

Xander paced back and forth across the kitchen, unable to sit still for more than a minute. “Who would want to kidnap Buffy? And why now? She’s been out of the coma for over two weeks now.”

No one responded to his questions. They all knew who responsible, but not one person in the group wanted to say it out loud. If they didn’t say it, it wouldn’t be as real. They wouldn’t have to face the fact that the person who had kidnapped Buffy was likely the same person who had put her in a coma nine months earlier.

“Angel?” Willow said softly, hoping to distract her raging friend. “Why don’t you go find some clothes to change into.”

“What?” he questioned in confusion at his friend’s odd statement.

“You’re covered in blood,” she answered simply, pointing to clothing he was wearing.

Angel frowned and then looked down at his clothes. Willow was right. The multiple gashes on his hand had been bleeding fiercely and had dripped blood all over his shirt and pants.

“I don’t think it matters what my clothes look like,” he snapped harshly at her.

Willow looked him in the eye, showing that she was not intimidated by him. “Do you want Buffy to see you like that when we find her?”

His eyes narrowed at her for a moment before he turned and stalked out of the room mumbling obscenities too low for the others to hear. Each one of them let out a sigh of relief once he was far enough away.

“Thank you Willow,” Cordelia groaned. “I don’t think I could have taken anymore of his growling.”

“Cordy, sweetie, he’s just upset,” chastised Xander lightly.

“I know that!” Cordy responded with a pointed look at her boyfriend. “We all are. But Angel stalking around, growling like a wild animal is a little freaky.”

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Noise inside the room awoke Buffy from the sleep she’d fallen into. She knew immediately that someone else was inside the room with her. If she hadn’t heard the noises, she would have felt the presence of another person. Plus, the glaring brightness of a newly turned on light behind her still closed eyes was also a clue.

She was torn between opening her eyes and facing her abductor and feigning sleep longer so she could try and delude herself that she wasn’t really tied to a pole somewhere at the whim of some psycho. The decision, however, was made for her when a cold, harsh voice called out to her.

“Open your eyes, bitch. I know you’re awake.”

Buffy’s eyes snapped open in shock when she recognized the voice. “Riley?”

“Very good,” the blonde man spoke cockily.

Buffy found that she could only stare at the man standing a few feet in front of her. The horror of finding herself tied up in some dark room was nothing compared to finding her mild-mannered physical therapist to be the one responsible. She’d always thought there was something off about him, but she’d never expected this from him.

“What-,” she cleared her throat. “What’s going on?”

“Well, I should think that is quite obvious,” Riley snorted in response to her seemingly stupid question.

“Why?” Buffy breathed out heavily. It was the only thing she could think to say. And truthfully, it was the only thing she wanted to know. Why would Riley Finn, the blonde haired, blue eyed farm boy, kidnap her?

“If you have to ask you are even stupider than I thought you were,” he shook his head.

“Oh, come on Riley, she never was very bright,” a new voice sounded through the room.

Buffy’s blood ran cold at the sound, her head snapping in the direction of the person she hadn’t even known was in the room. Her eyes widened in shock when she saw him emerge from the shadows. Fear raced through her body as she saw him walk into the harsh lighting.

“Ford?” she whispered, terror taking over ever cell within her.

“Aww! So glad you remember me, Summers,” the dark haired man joked sarcastically.

Her mouth opened to say something back to him, but Buffy quickly realized that now was not the time for one of her smart-ass comments. Instead, her eyes stayed focused the man she’d wasted two years of her life with. There was no way she’d ever forget him, and the way he’d treated her. It disgusted her now to think about the person she’d been when she was with him. Her time with him-

The thoughts in her head suddenly stopped as she watched Ford saunter over and stand next to Riley. A cold shiver twisted down her spine at the site of the pair standing side by side. There was something...something she should know. It was pushing on the edges of her consciousness.

When Ford placed his hand onto Riley’s shoulder the seemingly innocuous memory finally assaulted her mind...

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

~begin flashback~

“Sit down and get out of my way!” Ford yelled loudly as Buffy walked in between his line of vision to the television set.

When she didn’t move fast enough, Ford’s foot shot out and kicked her in stomach. The blow sent her sprawling into a small bookshelf next to the tv and then down to the ground. Stunned, Buffy just lay there on the floor trying to catch her breath.

Ford glared at her for making so much noise and then looked angrily at the items she’d knocked off the bookshelf during her ‘fall’. Noticing his unhappiness, Buffy quickly pulled herself together and began putting the items back onto the shelf. She had no desire to piss her boyfriend off anymore than he already was.

A photograph fell out of an old magazine as she picked it up from the floor. Curiously, she stated at the picture she’d never seen before. Ford wasn’t the type who kept family photos around...or photos of anyone for that matter. So the interesting find was all the more attention getting.

“What are you looking at?” Ford snapped when he saw that Buffy was no longer cleaning up the mess she’d made.

“Umm...i-it’s just a-a pictures. I-it fell out of the m-magazine,” she explained slowly, hoping that her answer was acceptable.

“Gimme that.” Ford snatched the picture out of her hands and studied it momentarily before a chilling smirk set across his face.

Buffy stood and glanced at the photo once more. It was of Ford and a man she didn’t recognize, but from the look of them in the picture it was obvious they were close. She wondered who the man was and why she’d never met him.

“Who is that?” she asked cautiously, not wanting to upset him by asking the question.

“That’s my half brother Riley,” he told her curtly before throwing the picture down onto the table next to the couch and then walked out of the room.

Picking up the picture, Buffy looked at the two men it depicted. They were standing side by side, Ford with his hand on Riley’s shoulder as both laughed at something she couldn’t see. She idly wondered if Riley was anything like his brother.

~end flashback~

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

“Riley Fordham,” Buffy murmured almost inaudibly. She couldn’t believe she’d forgotten who he was.

He’d been in her house, in her room, and she’d never remembered his true identity. She had only seen his picture once, though. Now she knew why something always bugged her about him. Still, she couldn’t help but feel like there was something else she was missing. Something drastically important that she hadn’t yet remembered.

“I’m touched,” Riley smirked, placing a mocking hand over his heart. “You remembered my name.”

“I-I don’t understand. Why are you doing this?” Buffy cried softly.

She didn’t understand any of this. There was no reason for them to kidnap her. She’d never done anything to either of them. Sure, Ford was generally and asshole, but why would he resort to kidnapping her? He’d never loved her. Of that she was positive. So this obviously wasn’t a ploy to win her back.

“Poor Buffy, we made her cry,” Ford teased with a look to his half brother. “Why am I doing this?”

For just a moment, his voice sounded softer. Just as it had when she first met him. But in the next instant, he was standing right in front of her. His eyes bore harshly into her causing her to push herself further against the wall. When he spoke again, his words were heartless and serious.

“You’re a problem, Summers. One that I plan on taking care of.”

Buffy shivered at his tone. She was truly terrified. Never in all of her time with Ford, even when he was hitting her, had he looked as he did now. Deep in heart, she knew that Ford had no intention of letting her go.

Silently, she closed her eyes and prayed to whoever might hear her that she would make it through this. As her tears fell harder across her cheeks and down onto her shirt, her soul called out to Angel begging him to come save her.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Angel stilled halfway down the staircase in the Giles’ home. His hand grasped at the banister and his eyes closed as he felt the pull at his heart. Buffy was calling out to him. He didn’t know how he knew, and was sure that he’d never be able to explain it to anyone, but he could feel her pleading for him to save her.

Rage filled his mind. Rage at whoever was hurting Buffy. Rage at whoever would dare touch his mate. She was his and nobody else’s. And he would see to it that whoever was responsible for harming her would suffer and feel pain ten times worse than she had.

With determination in his step, Angel descended the remaining stairs and stormed into the kitchen. He stopped upon entering and fought to control the urge to yell at everyone when he saw that they were all just sitting there doing nothing. What it was Angel thought they should be doing, he didn’t know. He just knew that they shouldn’t be sitting there twiddling their thumbs like it was a normal night.

Xander looked up when he heard footsteps and shivered unintentionally at the sight Angel presented. The barely restrained fury blazing in Angel’s eyes was hard to miss. Even if his eyes hadn’t give away his temperament, his posture and clothes would have.

“That’s a, uh, interesting look, Angel,” Xander spoke nervously.

Angel glared at the dark haired boy, but he was well aware of what his friend was referring to. The leather pants were not typical for him. But Buffy had pleaded with him to buy them on a recent shopping trip and who was he to say no to her? Luckily, they had been upstairs in her room...’accidentally’ left there by him.

At the moment, he was glad they’d been there. The dark leather fit his mood perfectly. And judging by the looks he was getting from the others, they were eliciting the exact reaction that he wanted.

“Any news?” Angel spat out forcefully. He didn’t have time for pleasantries. Not when Buffy was in danger.

“N-no. Nothing y-yet,” Giles stuttered. He couldn’t help but be intimidated by the aura radiating off the younger man.

Angel was about to reply when an officer entered through the back door. Everyone in the room quickly stood expectantly and waited for the man to speak. Each of them hoped they had some news on their friend and family member.

“We haven’t found anything that would give us a clue as to where she is or who took her,” the red-haired lieutenant spoke, sensing the need to get right down to business. “But I have all my men looking, and an APB (all-points-bulletin) has been put out for her. If she’s spotted anywhere, they will let me know immediately.”

“WE HAVE TO FIND HER! NOW!” Angel roared in frustration. They’d been out there for a half hour and had found nothing. How was some stupid bulletin going to help his beloved?

The officer jumped slight at Angel’s outburst. He was tempted to snap back at the man. After all, they were already breaking protocol. Buffy had only been missing for a short while, not the typical forty-eight hour waiting period that usually followed a missing persons case. Since foul play appeared to be obvious, they’d gotten involved quicker.

“Mr. O’Malley, we are doing everything in our power to ensure that she is found and returned safely,” the man tried to state reassuringly. Inside, though, he was worried especially considering the fact that Buffy had been the victim of a brutal attack only months earlier.

Angel glared at lieutenant angrily. “That’s not good en-,”

“Sir! We found something!” a young officer burst through the door yelling.

“What?” The older officer reached out and took the object the young female held in gloved hands.

“What is it?” Joyce pleaded in hopes that it would give them some idea as to where her daughter was.

“It appears to be a business card of some sorts,” he stated with a frown. “Where did you find this?”

“It was underneath a bush a few feet behind the bench the victim was sitting on,” the female officer relayed.

“Business card?” Angel repeated in confusion.

“Yes. Does the name Riley Finn mean anything?” the officer questioned, looking to the occupants of the room.

“Riley? That’s Buffy’s physical therapist,” Willow responded, her eyes showing the thoughts swirling in her head.

“Oh my God!” Joyce sobbed. Not only had Buffy been kidnapped, but it had been by someone they’d trusted and let into their home.

“Now, this doesn’t necessary mean anything,” the lieutenant tried to calm everyone down.

“The Hell it doesn’t!” Angel yelled forcefully. “How else would that little bastard’s card get all the way out there?”

Everyone was silent at those words until Willow spoke up softly. “Buffy did tell me once that there was something about him that bothered her.

“Maria,” the male officer called to the other officer. “I need you to find out everything about this Riley Finn. Here’s the card. I want criminal history, if there is any, personal info, and any know local addresses. Hurry!”

The group of friends and family could only watch helplessly as the police officers suddenly went scurrying about. Angel paced the floor desperately wishing there was more he could do. Images flashed in his mind of what he would do to Finn when he got a hold of him. That bastard would pay for hurting his Buffy.

Taking a deep breath, Angel tried to calm his mind and body. He could still feel Buffy calling out to him and it pained his heart to be just standing around doing nothing to help her. Instead, he focused inwardly and whispered silently to her.

‘Hold on, baby. I’ll save you.’

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Part 22 – It’s All About Power

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Warnings: violence, language

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“I hope they find her,” Willow stated a half hour later. Her voice was a combination of hope and exhaustion.

Most of the officers, as well as Angel, Giles, Xander and Cordelia had left five minutes earlier to check out one of the leads on Riley. It wasn’t quite standard procedure to allow the bystanders to tag along, but none of them, including the police, had the desire to tell Angel he couldn’t come. And, thankfully, Giles’ long-time friendship with the Chief of Police had afforded them some leeway.

The remaining members of the group of friends and family, Willow, Oz and Joyce, had opted to stay at the house. Oz had insisted that Willow stay because of her pregnancy saying that she didn’t need the stress and obviously didn’t need to put herself in the line of danger while Giles had convinced Joyce to stay behind by telling her she should be there in case Buffy called or returned. No one expected her to do so, though.

The three now found themselves seated in the kitchen along with two officers waiting for news from the others if they found anything. They had left after deciding to check Riley’s office at the physical therapy center to see if there were any leads there while they waited for the background information to come through.

“I-I’m sure they will,” Joyce responded, the stutter in her voice betraying the confidence she was trying to project.

“Let’s just hope the cops get whoever is responsible for this before Angel does,” spoke Oz who then shrugged when the others turned to stare at him. “I just don’t think Buffy would like him going to jail for murder.”

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Buffy was huddled tightly against the wall as she strained to listen to whatever Ford and Riley were talking about on the opposite side of the room. They were talking so low, though, that she couldn’t make out the words. Every once in a while, one of them would glance in her direction. Whether they were checking to make sure she was still there, or plotting what they were going to do, she didn’t know.

She knew, though, that whatever the two had planned, it wasn’t good. The cold, callous looks in their eyes told her that much. Her only hope was that Angel, or anybody, would find her and save her.

Angel would come. She knew he would. She didn’t know how, but she knew he would. Deep down inside, Buffy knew he was searching for her. And for a moment, she had almost felt him whispering to her, telling her to hold on.

That thought alone gave her strength. She would keep herself together. She had to. But exhaustion was beginning to take over her body, unfortunately. The bound position of her arms left them aching, and her head was throbbing.

Forcing herself to stay awake, Buffy tried to think of a way to distract Ford and Riley. She had to keep them from doing anything to her until the others could find her. There had to be something she could do to keep them from doing whatever they had planned for her.

Lost in her internal thoughts, Buffy hadn’t noticed that Ford was now standing right in front of her.

“Buffy, Buffy, Buffy. What should we do with you,” Ford pondered with a tilt of his head. “Any ideas brother?”

“Let’s just get this over with,” Riley snapped in frustration. All he wanted to do was get out of that room.

“Always in such a damn rush,” mused Ford almost jovially. “If I remember correctly, and I know that I am, little Buffy here was quite a bit of fun.”

The meaning of his words was not lost on Buffy. A slight whimper escaped her lips at the thought of what he wanted to do to her.

Hearing the sound, Ford sneered at her. “Now don’t tell me you’ve turned into a nun on me.”

“No, please, Ford. Don’t do this,” she pleaded desperately.

“Ford! We don’t have time for this!” Riley yelled to his half brother.

“I suppose you’re right,” Ford sighed with a shrug.

“Please...why are you doing this. I didn’t do anything to you,” Buffy cried out helplessly.

“Because, dear Buffy, you are a problem. As I already told you,” Ford spat out, getting angry at her whining.

“Whatever it is, whatever you think I will do to you, I won’t. I promise!” she sobbed in response. She honestly had no idea why he thought she was a problem.

“You really don’t have any idea, do you?” questioned Ford through squinted eyes.

“No. I-I don’t know why you are doing this to me!” Buffy spoke softly, hoping that her cluelessness would get her released. She knew it wouldn’t, but it was worth a try.

“Interesting. But it makes no difference now.” Ford smirked at the fear that rose several notches in Buffy’s eyes. Something about it made him feel powerful.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

“There’s no one here, sir,” an officer stated as he walked out of the building he had been in.

“Okat. Thanks, Martin.” The Chief turned to the other officers and to the group of civilians he’d reluctantly had to let come. “Let’s go inside and see if we can find anything that might tell us where he took her.”

The large group of people quickly entered into the physical therapy building where Riley worked. One of the officers who’d done the initial search led them to the office that was Riley’s. Once inside, each of them began to sift through the room’s contents hoping that they would find something...anything that would lead them to Buffy.

“This is useless,” Angel snapped loudly fifteen minutes later, slamming the desk drawer closed. “There’s nothing here.”

Xander held up a post-it note that had been near the phone. “’Call Mother’. Gee, this guy’s a regular boyscout.”

“I don’t give a damn who the fuck he needs to call!” Angel yelled back at him.

“Hey, sorry man.” Xander held his hands up in defense of himself.

“Angel, please. We are all trying to help find Buffy,” intervened Giles. He understood full well Angel’s rage, but they really didn’t need him screaming at people.

“Sorry,” Angel mumbled halfheartedly before turning his attention back to Riley’s desk.

Giles sighed in frustration, turning to his friend Thomas, the police Chief. “His is right, though. There does not appear to be anything here.”

They each jumped when Angel threw a stapler across the room, denting the drywall it landed against. Xander slumped back dejectedly on one of the walls of the room while Giles wiped at his glasses absentmindedly with his handkerchief. The total feeling of helplessness was overwhelming.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Ford was stalking closer to her, a black gun clenched in his hand. Her heart was pounding in her ears as she stared down the barrel of the weapon pointed at her. This was it. This was going to be the end. Her life would be terminated soon. She’d never get to see her family, friends, or Angel again.

Angel. Just thinking of his name made her heart clench painfully. They were finally getting back what they’d once had. And now...now it wasn’t going to matter. She was going to die. Tears streamed out of her eyes at the thought of never seeing her handsome Angel again.

For a moment, just a moment, Buffy thought that maybe it would have better if he’d never come back into her life. She knew he’d be destroyed by her death. If he hadn’t come back, if they hadn’t reunited, then it wouldn’t be as bad. But as quickly as that thought came, she pushed it away. No, she would never regret the time she’d had with Angel. She’d never regret knowing love, true love.

“Any last words, bitch?” Ford asked her, a sick smile playing on his face.

“Please, Ford. Don’t do this,” she whimpered while trying to free her hands unsuccessfully.

“I didn’t ask for your opinion,” he spoke almost casually.

Buffy continued to struggle against the ropes binding her hands while her eyes drifted to Riley who was standing a few feet away. “Riley, please! You don’t have to let him do this.”

“Stop your damn whining!” Ford yelled loudly at her, his steps bringing him right up to Buffy.

“Please, no!” Buffy begged again.

“I said shut the fuck up!” screamed Ford. The hand not holding the gun whipped toward her and backhanded her across the cheek.

The movement of his hand coming toward her had seemed to be almost in slow motion. The force of the blow sent her head flying backwards, cracking harshly against the cinderblock wall. Through blurry eyes she looked up at the laughing man looming over her. Suddenly, her mind flashed back to a night long forgotten when she’d found herself in an almost similar position.

Trembles took over her body as the final locked doors within her memory opened up. Image upon image flooded her mind. The last pieces of the puzzle were at last falling into place. Now she remembered. Now, she knew why this was all happening.

Ford’s words repeated in her head. ‘You are a problem.’ They hadn’t meant anything before. But now...now she knew why she was a problem. She knew why he was uncaringly pointing a gun at her head with the full intention of using it. She was a problem because she had power over him in one very important aspect. Power that could destroy him. Power that he would absolutely not allow her to have.

That was why they’d taken her. But the memories and the reasons were only a small consolation. They didn’t change the fact that her crazed ex-boyfriend was standing inches away with a gun pointed at her head. The only thing they did was tell her why. But at least now she knew.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

“Now what?” Xander questioned from his spot leaning against the wall.

They’d all been standing there for minutes clueless as to what to do next. Oddly enough, Angel hadn’t said a word the whole time. He’d just sat in Riley’s desk chair with his whole body tense and rigid.

“I suggest you all go back to the house and wait. I will call you if there is any news,” the Chief requested stupidly even though he knew they wouldn’t go.

“The Hell we will,” Angel growled at the man with narrowed eyes. How could he propose that they just go sit...and wait? No way would he let Buffy down like that.

The Chief was about to answer when the shrill ring of his cell phone stopped his words.

“Yes?” he spoke curtly into the phone. “Ok...hold on, let me get some paper and a pen....ok, go ahead...anything else...no, thanks....bye.”

“What?” Angel leapt out of the chair sensing that they’d just received important information.

The Police Chief looked quickly around the room at all the occupants. “We just got Riley’s home address.”

“Let’s go,” Angel demanded and dashed out of the room before anyone could speak in response.

Following Angel’s lead, the rest of the group quickly ran after him. They didn’t know why, but there was a sudden sense of urgency to get where they were going...and fast.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

“Poor little Buffy.” Ford stepped even closer to her, leaning down slightly to look her in the eyes. “You should know better than to cross me.”

“Will you just do it!” Riley ordered, glaring at his brother.

“But it’s so much more fun this way,” chuckled Ford with a glance at Riley.

“Fun for you maybe,” the blonde man mumbled in annoyance.

Ford turned slight to look at Riley. “You know, you are really starting to get on my nerves. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be in this mess!”

“Like I could forget,” Riley spat back at him.

The dark haired man laughed at him and then turned back to face Buffy. “Now, Buffy, was there anything you wanted to say before I put a bullet in that stupid little blonde head of yours?”

Buffy shook her head ‘no’. Fear had completely taken over her, robbing her of the ability to speak. The tears that had been slowing a little were now once again steadily cascading down her face leaving wet trails in there wake.

“It only makes it more enjoyable if you cry,” Ford laughed heartlessly. When she did not respond to his baiting, his foot shot out and kicked her in the side.

The force of his second blow jerked Buffy sideways, knocking her whole body almost down to the floor. As she struggled to pull her body back up she felt the ropes around her hands loosen. Hope suddenly surged through her. The kick must have jarred the knots on the ropes. Maybe now she could get herself free.

Taking only a second to think, she carefully arranged herself so that Ford couldn’t see her hands. She had to distract him a bit longer until she could unbind her hands. Maybe then...well, maybe then she could do...something.

“So, what? You’re just going to kill me? You’ll never get away with it,” she spat at him, a renewed hatred blazing in her eyes. If she could just keep him talking a bit longer...

“Oh, I will, don’t you worry about that,” Ford told her with ease. His confidence in his plan, and overall cockiness, blinded him against the fact that Buffy was struggling to free herself.

Buffy’s shaking fingers worked at the ropes the entire time. With one last twist, she felt her arms drop away from the poll. They were still tied loosely together, but she was no longer attached to the poll. At least now she could run if the chance arose.

“They’ll find out. They won’t stop until you’re dead or in jail,” she spoke not only to Ford, but Riley as well. She noticed that the blonde seemed to want to distance himself from what was going on.

Ford just shook his head at her statement. It was time to end this, and now. Raising the gun, he pointed it at her forehead.

No! She couldn’t let this happen. She couldn’t just let him kill her without a fight. If she was going to do something it was now or never. And now seemed like a pretty good option at the moment.

With fear driven adrenaline pumping through her veins, Buffy gathered her waning strength. In the blink of an eye, her body shifted and her legs kicked outwards at the monster standing before her. The heels of her feet successfully made contact with Ford’s thighs, sending the unsuspecting man sprawling backwards and onto the floor, his gun falling about foot away.

Seeing her opportunity, her one chance for freedom, Buffy dove for the gun. She only hoped she reached it before either one of her captors did.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

On the entire eight and a half minute trip across town, Angel couldn’t shake the heart wrenching dread coursing through him. Something horrible was about to happen. He knew it deep inside and he knew he needed to get to Buffy.

Despite what he was feeling, Angel forced himself to keep quiet. He wanted to tell the driver to go faster. He wanted to do something...anything. They had to get there. Buffy needed him.

If anything happened to her...well, he didn’t want to think about it. He couldn’t lose her. Not when he had just got her back. She was his soul mate, his light, his life. Without her, life wouldn’t be worth living.

His head dropped into his hands as he thought about the fact that he could have kept all of this from happening. If he hadn’t left...if he hadn’t broken up with her....if he hadn’t gone to answer the phone earlier that night... Each and every thing he could have done differently echoed in his head. There just had to be something he could have done to prevent her from being in this situation.

The relentless guilt he felt came to a screeching halt as the car come to a jerky stop. Three other cars pulled up behind them containing Xander, Cordy, and nine other officers. They all climbed out of the cars and gathered in the parking lot across the street from the apartment building where Riley lived.

“Ok...now, we’re going to do this my way,” Thomas, the Police Chief looked pointedly at Angel. “We have no idea what the situation inside is. It’s possible they may not even be here.”

“Where do you want us Chief?” a male officer asked as he checked his weapon to make sure it was loaded.

“I want you and Martin to go in through the back. James and Carros, I want you two to watch the back entrance in case he tries to leave. Stansfield and Newford, you guys watch the front. The rest of us will go in through the front and approach the suspect’s apartment,” Thomas ordered and watched as his officers left to take their positions.

“I’m going in,” Angel stated in a tone that said he was not going to take ‘no’ for an answer.

Thomas stared at the determined man. He could say ‘no’, but he knew he’d just follow them anyway. “Fine, but I want all civilians to stay behind me and my officers.”

Angel was about to object, but he realized that they were the ones with the weapons and were the ones trained for such situations. As much as he hated it, he knew he had to do what was asked of him.

“Fine,” Angel grumbled in agreement.

“Let’s move out! And keep it quiet! We don’t want to alert him of our presence,” the Chief stated, pulling out his own weapon in preparation.

The group, five officers, Giles, and Angel, made their way across the parking lot toward the entrance of the apartment building. Cordelia and Xander had decided to stay by the cars not wanting to get in the way despite the fact that they wanted to help.

Just as they reached the sidewalk in front of the stairs the silence around them was broken by the pop of gunfire from within the building. The group stuttered to a halt at the deafening sound.

“NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!” Angel roared in fear. Without thinking, he dashed up the stairs, leaving the remaining members of the group behind him.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Part 23 – Anything For You

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Warnings: some violence, slight language

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Instinct had taken over the moment he heard the gunshots. Nothing mattered except for getting to his beloved. He didn’t care that he wasn’t trained to handle kidnappers or murderers, or that he didn’t have a gun. They were just small details in his mind. He couldn’t just stand there as that rat-faced bastard...

Angel couldn’t finish the sentence. He couldn’t even think that she may be...be...no, he couldn’t say it or think it. He wouldn’t let it happen. Couldn’t let it happen. And he firmly ignored the little voice that was telling him that it may already be too late.

Pushing all thoughts aside, Angel flew down a flight of stairs. He didn’t know why he was going down them. He was just going where his heart was telling him to. Behind him, he could hear the footsteps of the others following, but they weren’t important at the moment.

The stairs ended in what looked to be a basement. Angel’s eyes wildly searched for a door or a room and found one a short distance to his right. Just as he took off toward the room the others arrived and he ignored their warning whispers to stop. He didn’t give a damn about putting himself in danger. All he knew was that he needed to get to Buffy.

Reaching the doorway in only a few strides, Angel came to an abrupt stop as his shocked eyes took in the scene before him. There was his Buffy...alive...standing there with a dangling rope knotted around both wrists, and a gun in her shaking hands. A foot or two in front of her lay a dark haired man with blood seeping out his chest, and beyond him, the man he knew to be Riley was standing with raised arms in defense of the gun Buffy was pointing at him.

Angel almost wanted to weep in joy at seeing her alive, and apparently okay. His mind couldn’t quite wrap itself around the fact that it looked like she had shot someone, that she had been the one responsible for the shots that he had heard only moments before. But none of that mattered. Buffy was okay and that was all he cared about.

“Buffy,” he whispered, almost unable to make his mouth speak.

The sound of Angel’s voice rocked Buffy to her core. She knew he’d find her. A small smile appeared on her face as she turned to look at him.

“Ang-,” she started to speak.

At that moment, Riley took advantage of her distraction and dove toward her. He had no intention of going to jail. None whatsoever.

Angel watched in horror as he saw Riley leap toward Buffy. The pair crashed to the floor as Angel sprinted into the room to save his love. The police officers charged in after him, followed by Giles and also Cordelia and Xander who’d come running after them when they heard the gunshots.

In a blur of motion, Angel had torn the blonde haired man off Buffy, throwing him into the closest wall. One look at Buffy to make sure she was fine and he stalked toward the now half-conscious man. The onlookers grimaced as they heard the crunching of bone when Angel seized him by the wrist.

Punch after punch reined down on the defenseless man’s face. Rage possessed Angel as he relentlessly battered the man. He would have continued if he had not faintly heard the pleading voice of his beloved.

“Angel, baby, please stop,” Buffy spoke loudly as she kneeled next to where Angel was on top of Riley. “Angel, it’s all right. Angel! Look at me!”

His fist stopped mid-motion and he turned to look at Buffy. Beyond her, he could see the police check on the other man and in a distance he could hear the sounds of an ambulance’s siren, but the only thing he could focus on was Buffy.

Nearly falling off the unconscious form of Riley, Angel lunged at Buffy, pulling her to him. His bloodied hands tangled into her hair as he reveled in being able to hold her alive.

“Oh God, Buffy,” he sobbed into her ear.

“Shh, I’m all right, Angel,” she attempted to soothe him.

“I thought I’d lost you,” his hoarse voice spoke to her. His hands couldn’t stop reassuring him that she really was in his arms.

“I know, I thought I’d never see you again,” Buffy cried against his chest, her own tears now falling.

For long minutes they just held each other. Joyful tears fell from all that watched the reunion, even from the most seasoned male police officers. None of them knew what happened in that room before they’d gotten there, but they were all happy to see Buffy alive.

Slowly, Angel pulled back to look at Buffy. Neither he nor Buffy noticed the commotion going on around them. His eyes roamed over her body and up to her face noticing the darkening bruise on her cheek almost immediately.

He smoothed his fingers over the enflamed skin gently. “You’re hurt.”

“Huh? Oh, it’s nothing,” she murmured as she nuzzled against his hand. She couldn’t feel any pain, only the soothing touch of her soul mate.

“Giles,” Angel spoke as she saw the older man standing next to them.

Buffy looked up at her step-father as he crouched down next to where they were seated on the ground. Her eyes glanced beyond him and saw all of the others present in the room. Up until that point, she hadn’t even noticed them.

“I’m so glad you are all right,” the British man choked out, his emotions getting the better of him.

“Oh, Giles,” Buffy cried softly as she reached out and hugged him. “Where’s Mom?”

“She back at the house. I already called her and told her you were okay,” he explained as he fought to keep the tears out of his eyes.

“Hey Buffy,” Xander smiled at his friend.

“Xand, Cordy,” Buffy greeted the couple, pulling them into quick hugs. Her eyes, though, were on the stretcher that was taking Riley out of the room.

Stepping away from the group, she looked toward where Ford had fallen after she had shot him. Instead of seeing his body, all she could see was a crisp white sheet with red stains draped over his form. Almost unintentionally, she took a step toward him.

“Buffy...,” Angel spoke softly.

“I-is he d-dead,” she stuttered, not hearing Angel speak.

“Yes,” one of the EMT’s told her with a sympathetic look.

“Oh,” she frowned in response.

“Buffy,” Giles started, putting a calming hand on her shoulder. He couldn’t imagine what she must be thinking knowing that she had killed someone. “I’m sure you did what you had to do.”

“I-I know. It’s just...,” she trailed off, her eyes closing slightly before she turned back to her friends and family. “I know I should feel bad, but I don’t. I can’t.”

Angel walked up to her and took her in his arms. “No one expects you feel a certain way, baby. He hurt you. You did what you had to.”

“Miss Summers?” a man interrupted.

Buffy turned her head to look at the man speaking to her. “Yes?”

“My name is Thomas Porter. I’m Chief of Police, and also a friend of Rupert’s,” he first explained. “I know you must be exhausted from your ordeal, but I need to ask you some questions so we can find out what happened here.”

Angel was about to object and tell the man to go to Hell, but Buffy spoke up before him.

“Okay. I understand. C-could we possibly go back to the house? I’d like to shower and get out of these clothes,” she suggested, looking down at her grimy shirt and pants and chaffed wrists that were still bound by a rope. “And I don’t suppose someone would want to untie me?”

They all laughed slightly at the small joke while Angel quickly freed her hands. A few minutes later most of the group made their way out of the room and up the stairs with Buffy and Angel trailing behind a small ways.

Gazing down, Buffy grinned and then looked back up at Angel. “You’re wearing the pants.”

“Anything for you, baby. Anything,” he answered, placing a sweet kiss on her lips.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

An hour later, everyone was seated in the Giles’ living room. There was hardly room for everyone to sit. Giles, Joyce, Willow and Oz were seated on the couch with Willow on Oz’s lap. Cordy and Xander were on the loveseat, and Thomas and another officer were sitting on the two chairs next to the couch. Angel was standing next to the fireplace, his eyes hovering over Buffy as she nervously wandered the room.

Despite the fact that she’d showered and changed, Buffy was still feeling dirty. Maybe it was because of what had happened that night and the fact that another man’s death had occurred at her hand, or maybe it was the return of memories she wished she hadn’t remembered. Whichever it was didn’t really matter, though. She still felt dirty.

Her eyes glanced around the room at all of the people she loved and to the two police officers. No one had spoken and she knew they were waiting for her, waiting until she was ready. She didn’t know if she’d ever be ready to face what had happened not only earlier that night, but also the events that had triggered it.

She knew she had to tell, though. It was time to get it all out. She could only hope that unburdening herself would somehow make her feel better.

“I, uh, remember it all now. Everything,” she blurted out, her hands feeling cold and clammy.

The others glanced at each other, knowledge lighting up in their eyes as the realized what she meant. And they also knew that whatever memories had returned weren’t good and had something to do with her kidnapping.

“Why don’t you start with tonight, Miss Summers,” the Chief suggested as nicely as possible.

“O-okay,” she agreed and then relayed what had happened from the moment Angel had gone to answer the phone.

She told them about waking up in what she now knew was the basement of an apartment building, finding Riley there, then Ford appearing. Her voice stumbled a bit as she repeated the things Ford had said to her and how she knew he intended to kill her. Reliving the night was almost as bad experiencing it the first time.

“So Mr...uh...” Thomas looked down at his notes. “Billy Fordham was in possession of the firearm?”

“Yes. He didn’t have it the whole time. He didn’t bring it out until later,” Buffy answered, shivering at the memory of the gun pointed at her head.

“He...he was taunting me. I don’t know why. And then I guess I pissed him off because h-he hit me.” Her hand raised up to touch her still stinging cheek.

Angel’s eyes narrowed at hearing the words. He wished the prick was still alive so he could teach him a lesson about hitting women.

Buffy met Angel’s eyes and smiled as much as she could. She knew exactly what he was thinking

“Did he tell you why he and Mr. Finn kidnapped you?” Thomas questioned, jotting down something in his notebook.

“No, not really,” Buffy shook her head. “He just kept saying that I was a problem and that I needed to be taken care of.”

“A problem?” Thomas repeated with a frown.

“Yeah, I..I didn’t know what he meant u-until later,” she whispered and turned her eyes away from everyone. This was the part she didn’t want to talk about, but she knew she had to.

“How so?” the Chief pushed. He hated doing it, but it was his job to do so.

“I...well...like I said, he was taunting me and then hit me...and then when I looked up at him as he stood there laughing at me it all came back.” Buffy wiped at a tear that had started to fall.

The room remained silent as she paced across the room and peered out the window. Taking a deep breath she turned herself back to her audience.

“You see, Riley was Ford’s half-brother.” At the shocked gasps she paused. “I-I had remembered that earlier when I saw Riley and Ford standing next to each other. But at that point I thought I had only known him from seeing his picture once. I hadn’t remembered the rest.”

“The rest?” Thomas repeated in confusion.

Buffy shook her head ‘yes’ and continued. “Two weeks before my attack...the one that put me in the coma...Riley showed up at our apartment. He lived in Iowa with his mother and I’d never met him before. Apparently, he was in trouble and had come to Ford for help. He said he had gotten some girl pregnant and she was blackmailing him to keep it quiet. He didn’t want anyone to know because he had a good reputation there or something.”

“So he wanted Mr. Fordham to help with his situation?” Thomas clarified.

“Yes. He had been staying with us for a few days when the girl showed up. She’d found out where he was. Then a couple days after that they...” she shivered at the memory, wrapping her arms around her midsection. Angel moved to walk toward her, but Buffy held her hand up to stop him.

“They told me that they had set up a time to meet her somewhere...said they were going to offer her money. I went with them that night...we were going to go out after the meeting. When we got to the place, I waited in the car for them while they went to go talk to her.” A few tears trailed down her cheeks. “I-I heard a s-scream so I got out of the car and went into the building. When...when I d-did...I-I saw Ford with a g-gun. The girl was b-begging him to let her go...a-and he j-just shot h-her.”

Angel couldn’t resist any longer and walked up to Buffy, pulling her into his arms. She collapsed against him, crying softly. His arms soothingly rubbed her back as he wished there was something more he could do for her.

“You don’t have to keep going,” he spoke softly to her.

“No. It’s okay. I have to get this all out,” she shook her head, wiping the tears from her eyes.

“I’m sorry,” she apologized for her breakdown. The group smiled sympathetically at her.

“It’s okay, Miss Summers. It’s perfectly understandable,” Thomas replied. “Do you wish to continue?”

“Yeah.” She pulled away from Angel, but remained in his arms. “Umm, I...I guess I must have made a noise when he s-shot her because Ford and Riley turned to look at me. The look in Ford’s eyes...I’d never seen it before...so cold and uncaring. I was more scared of him at that moment than any other time I’d been with him. So I just turned and ran.”

“That was the night you came to my apartment,” Willow stated in sudden understanding.

“Yeah. I-I didn’t know where else to go,” Buffy answered while gripping Angel’s hands tighter.

“Why didn’t you stay with me?” the red head asked.

“I knew he’d come after me and I didn’t want to put you in danger,” Buffy explained. “So I just hid from him, tried to stay away from anywhere he might find me...but it didn’t work.”

“He found you causing the assault that led to your coma,” Thomas surmised, writing down the new information.

“Yeah. He thought I was going to go to the police about the girl,” summed up Buffy, feeling a knot of tension loosen inside her at finally having revealed the events of months before.

“That is why he said you were a problem,” said Giles, now understanding what had transpired.

“Okay, I think we can piece together most of the events. Let’s assume that Mr. Finn was using his job as a way to spy on you,” posed the Police Chief. “He could keep tabs on your situation. From what your family told me, you had just recently regained some of your memory. Mr. Finn likely relayed this to Mr. Fordham which led him to kidnap you with the intention of...taking care of his problem.”

“I did happen to mention to Riley that I had remembered some things,” Buffy stated in agreement.

“So that tells us the why. What happened that led to the shooting tonight?” Thomas asked, moving the discussion to recent events.

“I, umm...Ford was pointing the gun at me...I guess I pissed him off again because he kicked me-.” Everyone in the room heard Angel growl loudly at the statement.

Buffy turned and met Angel’s eyes. “I’m glad he did,” she tried to calm him. “I’d been tied to a pole and the kick knocked the ropes loose. I managed to get my hands untied from the pole and then Ford was coming at me...I-I just kicked my legs out as hard as I could. It knocked him down and the gun fell out of his hands.”

Her eyes closed as she fought off some nausea. “I saw the gun and just dove for it. I-I got the gun in my hands...a-and then Ford was stumbling toward me and I j-just fired.”

“And that was when we arrived,” Thomas finished.

“Yeah,” Buffy answered, yawning slightly.

“Is there anything else you need to know tonight?” Angel interrupted. He could tell Buffy was exhausted for her ordeal.

“No, I think that’s fine for now. If I have any further questions I will stop by tomorrow,”

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

After talking with her family and friends a little while longer, Buffy finally found herself tucked comfortably in her bed, her head resting on Angel’s chest. She was completely exhausted but couldn’t seem to make herself fall asleep. Everything that had happened to her the past few years was running through her head. It was so hard for her to remember what she had turned into.

In the span of a few years, she’d gone from being a happy teenager with a wonderful boyfriend to an abused young woman with a boyfriend who had committed murder and then put her in a coma. In between she’d been played by Parker, gotten pregnant, lost the baby and then pushed all of her friends away.

Her life had just spiraled out of control and she’d become someone she didn’t even recognize. She couldn’t help but wonder who it was she was supposed to be now. She couldn’t be the innocent teenager anymore and she certainly didn’t want to be the meek shell of a woman she was with Ford. So who was she now?

“Are you okay?” Angel sleepily mumbled when he noticed Buffy wasn’t asleep.

“Yeah. There’s just so much to think about,” she answered him while running her hand across his chest.

“Want to talk about it?” he questioned in concern.

“No, not really,” she shrugged. She was all talked out for the night. “Thank you for saving me.”

“There’s nothing to thank me for. You saved yourself,” he answered, pushing a piece of hair off her forehead.

“I wanted to say it anyway,” she mumbled before finally drifting off to sleep.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

A few days later, Angel sat in his apartment thinking about the past few days. Things had calmed down greatly since the night of the kidnapping. Riley had spent two days in the hospital before being transferred to jail. He was being charged with kidnapping, and attempted murder against Buffy, and also first degree murder in relation to the girl Ford had shot months earlier. They had all been relieved to find out that Riley would enter a guilty plea on all charges and that Buffy wouldn’t have to face a trial.

Angel thought he should be happy, but instead he was worried. Buffy had become distant since the kidnapping. She wasn’t pushing him or anyone else away, but she didn’t seem all that there either. He couldn’t help but worry about her after all that she’d been through.

There was also a part of him that thought she was second guessing her relationship with him. Now that all her memories were back maybe she didn’t want him anymore. Maybe he wasn’t what she wanted. He wished he could to talk to her, but he also didn’t want to push her so he was just hoping that she would decide to open up to him

The ringing of his doorbell pulled Angel out of his brooding. Opening the door he was happy to find Buffy on the other side.

“Hey,” he greeted her with a smile.

“Hey,” she answered back before standing up on her tip toes to give him a kiss.

Some of Angel’s worries eased at the action. If she didn’t want to be with him she wouldn’t kiss him the way she did. He could still tell, though, that there were things on her mind.

“Come in,” he told her when the kiss broke.

“Thanks.” Buffy walked into the apartment, tossing her purse and jacket onto one of the chairs. “How was work today?”

“Same as usual,” Angel shrugged, taking a seat on the couch. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” sighed Buffy. She should have known that Angel would be able to read her. She knew she’d been acting a bit weird.

“Are you sure?” he pushed, hoping she would talk to him.

“I’m...okay...or about as okay as I can be,” she tried to answer as honestly as possible. “But there is something I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Okay,” Angel spoke slowly, his worry increasing ten-fold.

Buffy paced around the room for a minute before turning to look at Angel. “I’m, umm, I’m going away for a while.”

“What?!?” he gasped, his fears coming true. “You’re leaving me?”

“No!” Buffy yelped, walking over to kneel in front of Angel. “No, Angel. I’m not leaving you.”

“But you said...” he trailed off in confusion.

“I said I’m going away for a little while, but I’m not leaving you,” she comforted her worried soul mate.

“I don’t understand,” he frowned at her.

“Angel...everything is so confusing. So much has happened to me...there are so many things I have to face. I have no idea who I am anymore. I need some time to accept the things that I’ve done and things that have happened,” she explained gently to him, hoping that he would understand.

“Oh...I can see how it must all be hard for you,” he conceded although he hated the idea of her leaving.

“I will come back, I promise,” she assured him, taking his hands into hers. “I just need some time to heal and put the past behind me.”

“Where will you go?” he asked, worried that she was going off on her own.

“There’s a place in England. Wes, my shrink, used to work there. It’s some kind of serenity resort on the coast somewhere. He said it’s really quiet, and there’s a friend of his named Lorne that works there and will be my therapist,” she explained about the place she would be going to.

“When do you leave?” he asked softly, already missing her despite the fact that she was still there.

“Early tomorrow morning. I have to get home soon and pack.” No sooner had the words left her mouth had Angel pulled her into his lap, embracing her tightly.

“I’m going to miss you,” he held back tears as he spoke.

“I’ll miss you too,” she whispered gently. “But I promise I will be back.”

“How long will you be gone?” he asked as he held her in his arms.

“I don’t know, maybe a month or two.” She looked up into his eyes. “I’ll write to you everyday, and I’ll call you.”

“I hate that you’re leaving, but I understand that you need to,” he reassured her, brushing his hand across her still bruised cheek.

“Thank you,” she smiled at him, placing her head onto her chest.

They sat holding each other in silence, just enjoying their last few minutes together for what would be a while. Buffy wondered if she was doing the right thing by leaving, but she knew it was what she had to do. It was the best way for her to learn to accept her past and to allow herself to move on to the future. A future that she would have with her Angel.

“I better go,” she finally said after long minutes in Angel’s arms.

Rising off the couch, Buffy walked to the door with Angel following behind her. As she reached the door, Angel pulled her into his arms again, kissing her passionately. He didn’t want to let her go, but he knew he had to.

“I love you,” he whispered against her lips.

“I love you, too,” she repeated, her cheeks becoming wet with tears.

Slowly, she pulled away from him and out the door. Their hands remained grasped until she was too far away. Angel watched as she backed down the hallway, finally turning away from him when she reached the stairs.

His eyes remained focused on where his beloved had been long after she had left. She’d only been gone a few minutes and already his heart ached for her. He wanted to run after her. He wanted to beg her to stay, but he knew he couldn’t. She needed this time to herself.

Walking back into his apartment, Angel stared unfocused at the interior. Dejectedly, he sat down on the couch and wondered how he was going to make it through the next few months without his beloved’s presence in his life.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Part 24 – Forever

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

AN2: Lyrics are from the song ‘Take My Breath Away’ written by Giorgio Moroder and Tom Whitlock, performed by Berlin for the Top Gun soundtrack.

Warning: slight sexual content...nothing descriptive.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

A sad smiled graced Angel’s face as he sat at his desk staring at his computer monitor. He’d just finished reading Buffy’s latest email from the resort in England and although he was happy to hear from her, he couldn’t help but be saddened by the fact that she was halfway around the world and not in Sunnydale with him. It wasn’t that he didn’t understand why she left, but it also didn’t mean that he didn’t miss her.

Buffy had been in England for almost three months. Three agonizing lonely months. To Angel, it felt more like a year. He hoped that each day would be closer to the day that she would return, but so far, Buffy had not once mentioned when she would be back.

They talked by email almost every day, a fact with Angel was eternally grateful for. Her emails were the light in his dull days and he looked forward to reading each and every one. Sometimes her emails would be rather generic, but other times she would talk about the things she was learning through her therapy or on her own. Even though they were thousands of miles apart the daily emails, and the occasional phone calls were helping them rebuild the closeness that they had had long ago.

Above all else, though, Angel could tell that Buffy was doing better emotionally and was learning to deal with her past. Right after she’d left, the tone of her emails had been full of sadness, but each day they seemed to become more positive and happy. Her therapist, Lorne, was helping her deal with the things she had done, and why she had done them. So even though Angel missed her each second she was gone, he was pleased that she was getting the help and support she needed to move on with her life.

Still, there was that nagging voice in the back of his head that wondered if he would have a place in her life when she returned. Would she still want him? Or would she realize that he was part of her past? He tried to tell himself that he was being ridiculous. Buffy’s emails should have been enough to assure him of his place in her life, but he couldn’t help but worry that he would lose her.

Whatever the future of their relationship was, he wouldn’t know until she returned...whenever that would be. For now, he would just have to be content with exchanging emails.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Buffy sighed and stared out the small window next to her. Her fingers idly reached up to touch the cool glass for a moment before returning to her lap. She picked up the magazine in front of her and flipped through the pages for a few minutes before closing it and putting it away. Finding nothing else to do, she leaned her head back and closed her eyes, hoping sleep would take her.

Instead of falling asleep, her thoughts turned to Angel. She missed him in ways she couldn’t even describe which, in a way, she found slightly odd. They had been apart for five years before he returned to Sunnydale, and then they had only been back together for a few weeks. Yet she missed him like they had never been separated.

Even though she missed him terribly, she knew that she’d made the right choice by going away for a while. The resort...or whatever the hell it was...was just was she had needed. She knew she could have probably stayed in Sunnydale and worked through her issues, but there she would have had her family and friends hovering and pushing. They would have meant well, but she just needed some time by herself.

So, no, she didn’t regret going to England. The past three months had been a true learning experience for her. Lorne, her therapist was amazing, even if he was a little odd. He didn’t do things like most shrinks. Only on rare occasions had she sat in his office for one of their sessions. Often they would take long walks or sit in the gardens and talk. It was much more relaxing and easier for her to talk that way.

And talk they had. About everything: her childhood, her parents’ divorce, her father’s apparent lack of interest in her, Angel leaving, the miscarriage, and everything with Ford. Lorne had listened to everything without passing judgment. He’d helped her sort through her feelings on the different events in her life and to understand why she’d reacted the way she had to those events.

Above all, he’d taught her not to blame herself for the past. Sure, she’d made some bad choices and done things she regretted, but life is about making mistakes and learning from them. And, really, the mistakes she’d made weren’t all that hard to understand. After the pregnancy and miscarriage she’d been emotionally broken and Lorne had helped her see that the choices she had made, even if they were bad choices, were a natural reaction

With time and Lorne’s help, Buffy was learning to forgive herself for her past. She wasn’t quite there yet, and honestly, she wasn’t sure if she would ever get there. But as Lorne had told her, healing was a process, not something that would happen over night, or over three months. She still had a long ways to go, but she was determined try her hardest to leave the past in the past. It was what she had to do if she had any hope of moving on with her life. A life she hoped would be with her Angel.

She smiled as she thought of him, but underneath the happy grin she was worried about where things stood with him. Would he still want her when she got back? Sure, he told her he loved her in each of his emails, but what if he was just saying that so she wouldn’t go crazy again? What if he had met someone else while she was away?

Buffy opened her eyes and shook her head, trying to push those thoughts away. It wasn’t good for her to think so negatively. Angel had told her he loved her. She had to believe in that.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

“Willow, do you have to put relish on the popcorn?” Xander questioned with a grimace as he, Cordelia, Oz and Willow sat in the Summers’ den watching movies. “Even I wouldn’t eat that.”

Willow just glared at him while Oz defended girlfriend. “Cravings.”

“Still, it’s gross,” Xander stated while opening a package of Twinkies.

“Oh, like those are any better?” Cordelia smirked at his choice of food.

“So...did anyone talk to Angel today?” Willow asked, hoping to take the subject away from food and wanting to prevent Cordy and Xander from bickering.

“Not today, but I stopped by his apartment last night for a little while,” Xander relayed while shifted to get more comfortable on the floor in front of the couch.

“How was he?” Oz asked as he massaged his pregnant girlfriend’s feet.

“Same as usual. Mopey and brooding.” Xander shook his head as he thought about his friend’s mood.

“I hope Buffy comes back soon. I don’t know how much more I can take of him acting like that,” groaned Cordy in exasperation.

“He just misses her, Cordelia,” Willow frowned at the brunette. Sometimes that girl had no compassion.

“I know, but jeez, I can only take looking at him like that for so long,” Cordy replied, taking a sip of her diet cola.

“I gotta agree with Cordy. Buffy better come back soon or Angel is going to go nuts or something,” Xander said with a shrug.

Willow sighed, her shoulders slumping slightly. “I know, but we can’t force her to come back before she’s ready.”

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

The cooling water of the Pacific Ocean lapped at Angel’s bare feet as he walked along the beach. He hadn’t been able to stand sitting around doing nothing in his silent, lonely apartment so he had decided to take a walk on the beach. The serenity of the place was soothing to his weary soul.

Angel didn’t know what it was about the beach that appealed so much to him, especially at night when the noisy bathers of the daytime where gone. There was just something about walking barefoot in the soft damp sand, watching the moonlight reflect off the rippling water that brought peace to his soul. Ever since he was a teenager he would find himself taking long walks along the waterline when he needed to de-stress or just some quiet.

So instead of sitting in his apartment, he’d wandered down to the beach in hopes that it would take his mind of Buffy. Unfortunately, he was finding that the quiet solitude of his surroundings were only causing him to think more about her. It probably didn’t help that Buffy had often taken these walks with him after they had met.

At least being out of his apartment kept him away from phones and computers. With those two items around he was too tempted to contact Buffy and beg her to come home. As much as he wanted to do that, he couldn’t. He had to let her return when she was ready. It wouldn’t help her if he made her feel bad about being gone.

Sighing, Angel plopped himself unceremoniously down onto the sand. He momentarily thought about the fact that he should have put on track pants because he was now getting sand on his black slacks, but he really didn’t care. The pants could be dry cleaned. He was just glad he’d put a jacket on since there was a slight chill in the air from the breeze drifting in off the ocean.

Tilting his head upwards, Angel stared up at the half-full moon in the nearly cloudless night sky. He wondered if Buffy was looking at the moon at that moment, but then realized that was impossible since England was more than a couple time zones away. Maybe she had looked at the moon when it had been night there, though.

Unconsciously, his hands shifted down to touch the still warm sand beneath him. For long minutes, his fingers traced indiscernible patterns in the soft yet coarse material as he stared up at the moon. Lost in the thrall of the nighttime sky, Angel didn’t notice his visitor until monotonous lull of the sound of the waves was broken by a voice speaking to him.

“I thought I’d find you here,” the unexpected guest spoke softly.

Angel’s head snapped around at the sound. His eyes widened at the sight and he briefly wondered if he was hallucinating. “Buffy?”

“You were expecting Julia Roberts?” she smiled teasingly, walking over to where he was sitting.

A grin formed on Angel’s face at the typical Buffy response. “Yes, but she doesn’t want anyone to know about our relationship.”

At the statement, Buffy released a light-hearted chuckle that warmed Angel’s heart. He couldn’t believe that Buffy was really there, standing only a foot away. And from the simple act of her laughing, Angel could already tell there was a difference in her. There was a tenderness to her laugh that hadn’t been present before she left.

“Cheating on me already?” Buffy joked although there was an underlying seriousness to her question.

Sensing the meaning behind her words, Angel smiled lovingly at her as he stared into her eyes. “Never. No one could ever hold a candle to you.”

Moisture formed in her eyes at the proclamation. She’d known in her heart that Angel still wanted her, but it was nice to hear it spoken out loud.

Angel reached up a hand toward Buffy which she accepted and then lowered herself down onto the sand next to him. The hold his hand had on hers lingered even after she’d found a comfortable position. He just couldn’t seem to make himself release the appendage, internally fearing that if he did she might disappear.

“You’re back,” he whispered as his thumb stroked the soft skin on the back of her hand. It seemed to have just dawned on him that Buffy, his Buffy, was really sitting there next to him.

“Yeah, I’m back,” she spoke softly, gazing into his dark brown eyes.

“I missed you!” Angel choked out, his voice faltering slightly. A few tears fell from his eyes as he swiftly pulled Buffy onto his lap and hugged her tightly.

“I missed you, too,” came Buffy’s reply, muffled somewhat because she was squashed against Angel’s chest.

Reluctantly, Angel released his fierce grip on Buffy’s body, but kept her seated on his lap. He stared adoringly at her beautiful face when she lifted her head to look at him. Not able to hold himself back any longer, Angel lowered his head until his lips met hers

The tension that had been in his body since Buffy had left instantly melted away as his mouth touched hers. When her lips parted Angel slipped his tongue between them, reveling in the warm sweetness inside.

Buffy moaned as she felt Angel’s tongue twine with her own. Her hands reached up to grip the back of Angel’s neck, her fingernails scraping lightly against his skin. In the back of her mind, she wondered how she could have possibly gone three months without being this close to her Angel.

Gasping slightly for breath, the pair finally pulled apart. Happy smiles played on the faces of each as they gazed into each other’s eyes for long minutes. Angel’s hand reached up to brush a piece of hair off Buffy’s face before trailing delicately across her cheek.

“I’m so glad you’re back,” Angel whispered, his hand still touching her cheek.

“Me too,” Buffy agreed, laying a hand over Angel’s.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming home?” he questioned, finally taking his hand away from her face and wrapping his arm around her waist.

“I wanted to surprise you,” she smiled at him placing a light kiss on his lips. “And actually, it was kind of spur of the moment.”

“Spur of the moment?” Angel repeated, a little confused.

“Yeah. I’d been thinking about it for the past week. And yesterday I woke up and I realized that I wanted to come home,” she explained, shifting her body to sit more comfortably on Angel’s lap.

“Are you sure it was okay to leave?” Angel questioned, concerned for her well-being.

“You don’t want me here?” Buffy asked, slightly hurt by his question.

“No. No! Of course I want you here. I missed you every second you were gone. I just want to make sure that you were ready to leave,” clarified Angel, pulling Buffy against him so that her back was against his chest and his arms around her waist.

“Yes, I was ready to leave,” she assured him. “I didn’t want to be away any longer.”

“So you’re feeling better?” he hesitantly asked her.

“Yeah, I’m...okay. Better than I was at least,” she told him honestly. “Things are less confusing than they were. I understand myself and things that I’ve done more than I did.”

“That’s good. I’m happy for you,” he spoke, resting his chin on her shoulder.

“Thanks,” sighed Buffy. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be completely over everything. I’ll never forget about the miscarriage or what happened with Ford, and Riley, but I’m learning to deal with it all.”

“One day at a time, right?” he replied, happy to have Buffy back in his arms.

“Right. That’s what Lorne said at least,” Buffy relayed. “I’m going to be seeing Wesley again now that I’m back here since I’m still kinda a work in progress, but I don’t mind. It helps to have someone like that to talk to. I’ll miss Lorne. He was really cool, but I wanted to come home.”

“I’m glad you did,” smiled Angel. He knew Buffy still had a long road ahead of her in her healing process, and he would be there for each step, but he was just glad she was home. “How did you find me here anyway?”

“I went to your apartment from the airport, but you weren’t there. I remembered how much you liked to walk on the beach so I thought it was worth it to come check. And here you were,” answered Buffy, turning slightly to look at Angel.

Angel chuckled at the statement. Buffy knew him so well. Not that that was a bad thing. It only made them closer. “What did you do with your bags?”

“I didn’t want to carry them with me so I used the key you gave me and put them in your apartment. I’ll take them over to the house later,” responded Buffy, snuggling against Angel.

“Or you could leave them th-...never mind,” Angel quickly corrected himself, realizing what he’d unintentionally said out loud.

“What?” Buffy asked softly, not sure if she’d really heard what he’d just said.

“Nothing,” Angel replied hastily, chastising himself for even considering asking Buffy to move in with him.

“No, tell me what you meant to say,” Buffy demanded, looking directly at Angel.

“You, uh, could stay, uh, with me,” he mumbled almost inaudibly.

“You want me to live with you?” Buffy questioned in total shock.

“Umm, yeah,” Angel looked down nervously. “But you don’t have to...I mean, if you don’t want to you don’t have to.”

“Angel,” started Buffy, gently raising his head. “I’d love to live with you.”

“You would?” he asked, not believing what Buffy had just said.

“Yeah, I would,” she repeated, taking one of his hands into hers. “One thing I realized while I was in England was that I didn’t want to be apart from you anymore.”

“Me either,” agreed Angel, leaning in to kiss Buffy gently.

The kiss was more tender and less passionate than their previous one, but still filled with love. Angel felt like his soul was flying. Buffy was back, and she wanted to move in with him. He couldn’t think of anything that would make him happier...well, almost, but he tucked that thought into the back of his mind. He could plan out that little idea later.

“I love you,” he proclaimed when the kiss ended.

“I love you, too,” smiled Buffy, a small yawn escaping her lips.

“Tired?” Angel asked with a frown.

“A little...the whole time difference thing, ya know,” shrugged Buffy, not wanting the moment to end.

“Do you want to go home?” He couldn’t help but grin at the word home. His home was now Buffy’s home.

“Yeah, but I want to stop by and see the gang and Mom and Giles for a few minutes,” Buffy answered, yawning again.

“Ok, but only for a few minutes. You need to get some sleep.”

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

“Xander! Be quiet! How am I supposed to hear the movie if you ke-...BUFFY!?!?” shrieked Willow, pushing her growing body off of the couch.

“Willow!” Buffy greeted her friend happily, giving her a hug. “Oh! Look at you!” she stated, placing a hand on the red head’s distended stomach. Deep inside, she couldn’t help but feel a small pang of sadness at seeing Willow’s condition. It reminded her of the baby she had lost years before, but still she was happy for her friend.

“I know...I’m starting to feel like a cow,” laughed Willow, patting the ever-growing bulge.

“Hey Buff!” stated Xander, now standing next to Willow.

“Hey Xand.” Buffy gave him and then Cordy hugs.

“I’m glad you’re back. Now we won’t have watch Angel mope anymore,” Cordy spoke with a pointed look to Angel, and receiving an elbow in the side from Willow because of the statement.

“Moping huh?” chuckled Buffy, looking at Angel with a raised eyebrow. Angel only shrugged in response.

“Not that I’m not happy to see you because I am, but what are you doing here?” Willow questioned, sitting back down on the couch.

“I decided it was time to come home. I missed everyone,” Buffy answered, smiling at her friends. Yes, she was definitely happy to be home.

“Why didn’t you tell us you were coming?” the red head asked from her spot next to Oz who was being his usual stoic self.

“It was sort of a last minute decision,” explained Buffy, wrapping an arm around Angel’s waist.

For the next twenty minutes the friends chatted a little, catching up on things that had been going on. They would have talked longer, but it was apparent that Buffy was exhausted. So after hugging all of her friends again, Buffy went to leave with Angel.

“You’re going with Angel?” Cordy asked matter-of-factly.

“Uh, yeah. I’m, uh, going to be staying with Angel,” Buffy replied sheepishly.

“Oh Buffy! That’s great,” sighed Willow giddily.

“Yeah,” grinned Buffy. “I think so too.”

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

~two weeks later~

“Angel! Please tell me where we are going!!” Buffy pleaded as she sat in Angel’s car.

“Nope,” grinned Angel, casting an eye in Buffy’s direction. He laughed when he saw Buffy slump down in the seat with her arms crossed and lower lip jutting out. “Pouting won’t make me tell you.”

“Fine,” she grumbled, really only a little annoyed that he wouldn’t tell her.

All she knew was that wherever they were going they were going to have a casual dinner. That was all Angel had told her. She couldn’t help but wonder what the big secret was, but Angel was steadfast in his decision to not tell her anything else.

Contenting herself with staring out the window of the car, Buffy thought about the two weeks since she’d returned from England. In the simplest terms, they had been absolutely wonderful. After years of stagnating and engaging in self-destructive behavior, her life was finally coming together. She was beginning to reach that comfort zone that had eluded her for so long.

And then there was Angel. In just two weeks, Buffy realized that she felt closer to him than she ever had before. On the nights they didn’t hang out with the gang, they would stay in and talk. Sometimes their conversations would be about their friends, or things they wanted to do, other times they would talk about the past. They each shared aspects of their lives from the five years they were apart. And with each conversation, the demons of their pasts seemed to haunt them a little less.

Recently they had been talking about what she wanted to do next in her life. The debate was over whether she wanted to go back to college and get a degree or not. So far, Buffy was leaning towards returning, only part-time, but she was still undecided. She had, though, decided to apply for a part-time job at the local women’s shelter. After having gone through the things she had, she wanted to help women who were in similar situations. It was a way she could make something good come out of her own experiences.

“We’re here,” spoke Angel, startling her out of her internal thoughts.

“Huh? Oh we’re...” she looked out the window at the scenery. “At the old mansion on Crawford Street?”

“Yup,” Angel answered, revealing nothing else.

“Why?” questioned Buffy, her brow scrunching in confusion.

“Because.” Angel had to force himself not to laugh at the frustrated glare on Buffy’s face. “Come on.”

He held out his hand, which Buffy reluctantly took, and walked in the direction of the house. Instead of entering, though, Angel led her to a path along the side of the house that went up a hill. The almost pitch black path made Buffy a little nervous, and she stumbled once over a large tree root. But when they reached they reached the end of the path, Buffy found herself in awe of what she saw.

“Oh my God!” Her eyes darted around catching every detail of what was in front of her.

The path had led to an open space on the top of the hill the behind the mansion. Moonlight cast a soft glow all around and below, she could see the lights of all the buildings in Sunnydale. The aesthetic beauty of the place wasn’t what caught her attention, though. That was held by the elaborate setup in the middle of the clearing.

There was a large navy blue blanket spread out on the ground with tall white lit candles placed at each corner. A few small gray pillows, and another blanket, this one gray and white plaid, were neatly placed on the navy blue blanket. At one end, there was a large basket and a bucket holding a bottle of wine and at another end a CD player and a few CD’s sat. It was truly one of the most romantic things she had ever seen.

“You did all this?” she inquired as she walked closer to the scene.

“Do you like it?” he whispered into her ear, wrapping his arms around her from behind.

“It’s beautiful. How did you do all this? I was with you all day long,” she questioned, turning her head to look at him.

“I had a little help from Xander and Cordy,” he revealed, taking her hand to lead her to sit on the blanket. “Hungry?”

“Mmm, starved,” responded Buffy, checking out the delicious food Angel was pulling out the basket.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

“I am stuffed,” groaned Buffy, rubbing her full stomach.

“I wonder why,” laughed Angel, sipping at his red wine.

“Hey! I was hungry!” defended Buffy, knowing she’d been a bit of a pig.

She watched curiously as Angel stood and walked over to the CD player. He put a CD in and then made his way back to Buffy. “Dance with me?”

“I’d love to,” Buffy smiled at his request, and took the hand he offered to help her up as a song began to play from the nearby radio.

Watching every motion In my foolish lover's game

On this endless ocean
Finally lovers know no shame

“I love this song,” she spoke softly, wrapping her arms around Angel’s neck and resting her head on his chest.

“I remember,” murmured Angel, his hand lightly caressing Buffy’s back as they began to sway to the music.

Turning and returning

To some secret place inside

Watching in slow motion
As you turn around and say

Their bodies melted together as one as they danced to the quiet beat of the music. Buffy’s head lay comfortably on Angel’s chest, while Angel’s cheek rested lightly against her forehead. One of Angel’s hands reached for Buffy’s left hand, grasping it gently before pulling it up to his lips to place a kiss on the back.

Take my breath away
Take my breath away

Buffy raised her head to look up at Angel. Using her right hand, she guided his head lower until his lips touched hers. Their bodies continued to sway as their mouths met in a sweet, loving kiss.

Watching I keep waiting
Still anticipating love

Never hesitating
To become the fated ones

Once the kiss ended, their eyes held each other’s stares as they leaned against each other, still moving to the beat of the music. Both inwardly thanked whatever higher power that existed for allowing them to find each other again. Neither had expected to be where they were at that moment.

Turning and returning
To some secret place to hide

Watching in slow motion
As you turn to me and say, my Love

As the song reached its halfway point, Angel pulled away slightly from Buffy. His left hand reached into his pocket, taking hold of the item within. He knew he should be nervous for what he was about to do, but instead there was only a serene calmness deep within his soul. Maybe it was because he had no doubts about his upcoming actions, or maybe it was just because he was insane. Whichever it was, he didn’t really care.

Take my breath away
Take my breath away

Taking a deep breath, Angel kneeled down on one knee in front of Buffy. His hand slowly pulled a small black velvet box out of his coat pocket. Momentarily, he stared at the little box before lifting his head to meet his beloved’s eyes.

Buffy felt like everything before her was moving in slow motion. Her mind hadn’t yet caught up to what exactly she was seeing. As Angel pulled the object out of his pocket, her jaw dropped in shock. The importance of the moment had finally crept into her mind.

Through the hourglass I saw you
In time you slipped away

When the mirror crashed I called you
And turned to hear you say

“Buffy, I have loved you from the moment I first met you. You were my best friend, my lover, my everything. When I left five years ago, I never thought I would have the chance to love you again. But now I do, and I’m grateful that you’ve allowed me back into your life. I never want to be without you again,” he spoke lovingly to her, tears forming in his eyes.

Opening the box, Angel revealed the medium sized diamond ring set in white gold to Buffy. “Will you marry me?”

If only for today
I am unafraid

Take my breath away
Take my breath away

Tears of happiness fell down Buffy’s cheeks as she listened to Angel proclaim his love for her. Part of her mind still couldn’t believe what was happening. Her eyes drifted from Angel down to the beautiful ring he held in his hand. Shaking her head she knocked herself out of her shocked daze, realizing that Angel was waiting for an answer.

“Yes, of course I’ll marry you,” she cried, throwing herself into his waiting arms.

Watching every motion
In this foolish lover's game

Haunted by the notion
Somewhere there's a love in flames

Pulling the ring out of the box, Angel slipped it onto Buffy’s slender finger. “I love you.”

“I love you,” Buffy repeated tenderly. Her cheeks wet with tears as their lips met in a passionate kiss.

Angel ran his fingers through Buffy’s long blonde hair as their tongues dueled with each other. His hands continued downwards, trailing across the bare skin of her shoulders, down her sides, and coming to a stop on the small swell of her rear. He grasped the fleshy area, pushing her body further against his.

Turning and returning
To some secret place inside

Watching in slow motion
As you turn my way and say

Buffy moaned as she felt Angel’s body pressed tightly against hers. Arousal coursed through her as their hands groped at each other. She nipped roughly at Angel’s lower lip while her hands quickly made their way between their bodies.

When Angel felt her begin to unbutton his shirt reality crept back into his mind. Even though they had been living together for two weeks, they had yet to once again reach the level of intimacy that their current actions were leading to.

“Wait, Buffy. Are you sure?” he asked, his voice hoarse with need.

“Yes, I’m sure,” she spoke softly before pulling his lips back to hers.

Take my breath away, my Love
Take my breath away

Carefully, Angel lifted Buffy into his arms and carried her over to the blanket. He gently laid her down and stared amorously into her eyes for a moment, marveling at her beauty. Soon, the couple lost themselves in each other for the first time in over five years, but as their hearts, bodies, and souls melded into one, it felt to them like they had never been apart.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

A long while later, the pair lay nestled in each other’s arms, gazing up at the stars high above them. Sated smiles adorned both of their faces while Buffy’s fingers traced random patterns over Angel’s heart. Neither spoke, content in the simple action of holding each other.

It was Buffy who finally broke the silence nearly a half hour later. “We’re going to get married,” she said, awestruck by the idea as she looked down at her ring.

“I know,” answered Angel, having the same unbelieving feeling as Buffy.

Propping herself up on one elbow, Buffy smiled at her fiancé. “Thank you.”

“For what?” he asked, wondering what he had done.

“For all of this. For the dinner, for tonight, for everything,” she explained, wiping at a tear forming in her eyes.

“I’d do anything for you, baby,” he smiled softly at her, kissing her tenderly.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy,” she stated, laying her head back down on Angel’s shoulder.

“Me either,” agreed Angel, pulling the blanket tighter around them and wrapping his arms around Buffy.

“I love you,” Buffy murmured, knowing she’d already told him multiple times that night, but never tiring of saying it.

“I love you, too, beloved. Forever,” whispered Angel, placing a kiss on the top of her head.

Buffy smiled at the sentiment. Forever...with her Angel. That was what she had wanted all those years ago and for a while it was something she’d never thought get. But fate worked in mysterious ways. Maybe they had to go through all the pain and the sorrow to get to this point, but, really, it didn’t matter. The only thing that did matter was that they had the chance to begin their forever again.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Epilogue

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Warnings: a little bad language, some character bashing, and fluff

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

~one year later~

“It’s been so long since I’ve been here!” Willow exclaimed as she sat down next to Oz.

“I know, but we’ve all been so busy,” agreed Buffy, her head resting on Angel’s shoulder.

The entire gang, Buffy, Angel, Willow, Oz, Xander, and Cordelia, were seated on several couches in one corner of the Bronze. It was the first time in months that they had all been able to go out together for a night of fun. They had seen each other often, but life had kept them from enjoying a night out like used to.

The past year had been extremely busy for all of them. Willow and Oz had gotten married in a small ceremony at the local courthouse three weeks after Buffy’s return from England. They bought a small house in a quiet part of town and a few months after the wedding their baby girl Layla was born. Since then the couple had been dealing with the rigors of having a baby in their lives.

Xander and Cordelia had hit a rough spot for a few months not long after Buffy returned. Anya, Xander’s ex-girlfriend from his junior year of high school, had suddenly reappeared in town and caused trouble for the couple. For a while it had looked like their relationship was permanently over, but in the end, they had worked things out and were now closer than before. In fact, they were currently planning their wedding which, in Cordelia’s words, was *only* three months away.

As for Buffy and Angel, they had married only a month and a half after Angel’s proposal. They had debated having a long engagement and planning a huge wedding, but in the end they decided that they didn’t want to wait, and that neither really wanted some big elaborate wedding with tons of people they hardly knew watching. Instead, they were married in a quiet ceremony on the beach with only their close friends and family present.

As a wedding gift, Giles and Joyce had bought them a house near theirs and after their two week honeymoon in Ireland, Buffy and Angel had spent most of their time moving and getting settled. The couple could not have been happier. After all they had been through, they were finally together and moving on with their lives.

The year had not been without it’s hard times, though. Buffy had decided to speak at Riley’s sentencing, ensuring that he would be behind bars for a long time, and it had taken a toll emotionally on her, but with Angel’s and Wesley’s help she had made it through the ordeal. Even though it had been hard, the act had given her some closure to that period of her life.

They’d been dealt another blow when Giles suffered a mild heart attack almost two months after their wedding. Thankfully, Giles had made it through okay. The doctor had assured them all that with a healthy diet and regular exercise that Giles would be fine.

Even though there had been some tough things for them to deal with, the past year had been the happiest of their lives for Buffy and Angel. Being married to each other was all that they could have dreamed it would be, and more. It was the little things they seemed to enjoy the most: waking up in each other’s arms, eating breakfast together, bickering over insignificant idiosyncrasies, etc. Maybe that made them a little boring, but it was what made them happy.

“So Willow, whose taking care of the little munchkin?” Xander asked while munching on a platter of nachos.

“Joyce is watching her,” answered Willow. She missed her daughter, but it was nice to have a night out.

“I think she is enjoying having a baby around,” added in Buffy. A smile grew on her face when she felt Angel’s hand lightly rub the small but noticeable bump on her abdomen.

Buffy was now in the fourth month of her pregnancy. It hadn’t been planned, and when she had first realized she was pregnant she’d been terrified. Memories of her miscarriage had instantly popped into her mind. And then there was the part of her that wasn’t sure if, after all she’d been through, she was ready to be a mother. Then as she had stood there in the bathroom looking at her abdomen, she realized she had her and Angel’s child now growing inside her. All the fear and worry had melted away at that moment.

“That’s good. You’ll be able to hit her up for babysitting once you pop the kid you’re carrying,” smirked Cordelia, shuddering at the idea of having a child.

“She’s already offered her services,” chuckled Angel, his fingers lightly stroking over his unborn child.

It seemed as if Angel hadn’t stopped smiling since Buffy had told him she was pregnant. Not only was he married to his soul mate, but they were now going to have a baby. He knew she’d been worried in the beginning, but they had talked about it and worked through it. It was only natural to be scared of such a drastic life change like having a baby, especially considering her past.

“Yeah, she’s even getting a room ready for the baby when it’s there.” Buffy shook her head at her Mother’s antics.

“Speaking of ‘It’. Have you guys found out what it’s going to be yet?” questioned Willow, thinking back on how her and Oz had found out they were having a girl.

“Actually, we decided that we want it to be a surprise,” answered Buffy with a look toward Angel.

“You don’t want to know?!” Cordelia nearly shrieked. “How are you going to get the baby’s room ready without knowing what it is?”

“We’re just going to go with neutral colors,” shrugged Buffy, fully aware that not knowing the baby’s sex did make planning a little tougher. Her and Angel had talked about it though and decided they didn’t want to know.

“Your choice, but it’s going to make shopping a real pain in the ass,” sighed Cordelia in exasperation.

“Hey Buff, what’s up with the Scooby Doo Band-Aid?” Xander asked, pointing to the brightly colored strip on Buffy’s right hand.

“Oh, I got a nasty paper-cut at work today.” She held up the finger in question.

“How is work going?” spoke Willow, referring to Buffy’s job at the women’s shelter.

“It’s good. I like it. I mean, it’s hard sometimes...seeing women like that and having been through it myself. But it’s rewarding to help out in any way I can,” Buffy explained about her job.

“Are you going to keep taking classes after the baby is born?” wondered Oz from his spot next to Willow.

“Don’t know yet. I might take a semester off just to get adjusted, but I do want to keep taking classes part time,” she clarified even though the idea of working, going to class, and taking care of a baby was a bit daunting.

“I’m going to get another drink. Anyone want anything?” Willow asked, standing up from the couch.

“Yeah, wait, I’ll come with you,” offered Buffy, untangling herself from Angel. “Be right back, sweetie.”

Buffy and Willow walked off in the direction of the bar. Willow ordered herself a strawberry daiquiri while Buffy opted for a Sprite since anything with alcohol or caffeine was not allowed due to her pregnancy. After receiving their drinks, the two females turned to go back to their friends and significant others when a sudden loud voice interrupted them.

“Well, well...if it isn’t Buffy Summers,” an obnoxious, half-drunk man spoke.

Buffy turned around to face the person speaking. “Parker.”

“Aww, I’m touched, Summers. You remember me.” The dark haired man placed a hand on his heart.

“Unfortunately,” mumbled Buffy, her eyes searching around for Angel.

Parker’s eyes drifted down Buffy’s figure, stopping when he noticed the bulge at her abdomen. The mocking leer made Buffy suddenly wish she hadn’t worn such a snug fitting shirt that evening.

“Now isn’t this a surprise. Knocked up Summers?” laughed Parker, shaking his head back and forth.

“What do you want, Parker?” Buffy spoke angrily. With her attention focused on the man in front of her, she didn’t notice Willow creeping away.

“What makes you think I want anything from *you*,” he questioned sarcastically.

“Then why the Hell are you standing here talking to me?” she spat out forcefully, growing more angry from the conversation.

“Jeez, chill out.” His eyes again drifted down to her pregnant stomach causing him to laugh heartlessly. “I always knew you were just another slut.”

Buffy’s jaw dropped at the harsh words, but before she could reply a booming voice came from behind her.

“I suggest you shut the fuck up, NOW, and apologize,” a furious Angel growled out with Willow, Oz, Xander and Cordy standing at his sides.

“Mind your own business, asshole,” glared Parker, not the least bit threatened by the larger man.

Angel walked right up to Parker, not caring about the audience that had gathered around them, and stared him in the eyes. “It *is* my business when you call my *wife* a slut.”

“Wife, huh?” Parker smirked, looking from Angel to Buffy. “What did you do? Fall for that ‘I’m pregnant’ line and marry her? You should know better than to fall for that. She’s just a whore. Trust me, I should know.”

Angel’s eyes darkened with rage. Before anyone could react, his fist shot out, slamming into the side of Parker’s face. The stunned crowd watched as Parker flew backwards into the bar and then down onto the ground.

Stalking up to where the boy had fallen, Angel stared down at him with serious eyes. “If you ever speak to my wife that way again, or speak to her period, you *will* regret it.”

Angel turned to face Buffy, ignoring the onlookers. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”

The couple walked quickly out of the club, not bothering to look back at the scene they’d left. Willow, Oz, Cordelia and Xander followed them out, trying to hold back their laughter at Parker’s body sprawled out on the ground from one punch.

“What a sissy,” whispered Xander to his companions.

“Shh! Shut up, Xander!” snapped Cordelia, not wanting to aggravate Angel further.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

A short while later, Buffy and Angel lay on their bed with Buffy holding an ice pack on Angel’s hand. Lifting the ice pack up, Buffy studied the reddened skin beneath. She gently ran her fingers over the tender skin, shaking her head slightly.

“It’s going to hurt for a few days,” she told him, putting the ice pack back on his hand.

“I know,” Angel shrugged, shifting against the pillows on the bed. “Are you mad at me?”

“What? Why would I be mad at you?” she asked him in confusion.

“Because I hit him. I know how much you hate violence,” Angel stated, looking down guiltily.

“Angel,” sighed Buffy. “I’m not mad at you. Not even a little bit. He deserved what he got.”

“He shouldn’t have said those things about you,” Angel spoke in a near growl, still angry about what had happened.

“No, he shouldn’t have,” agreed Buffy. Taking the ice pack off Angel’s hand, Buffy placed it on the night stand and lay down next to Angel. “But let’s just forget about it. I don’t want to talk about Parker.”

“Whatever you want, beloved,” smiled Angel, kissing her lightly.

Buffy watched with curious eyes as Angel crawled down the bed. She grinned as he lifted her shirt and laid his head on her now bare stomach. A slight giggled escaped her lips as his breath tickled her skin.

“What are you doing,” she asked, running a hand through his soft hair.

“Talking to the baby,” answered Angel, placing small kisses over their unborn child.

“I see. Is it talking back to you?” she teased even though she found Angel’s actions unbelievably cute and sweet.

“Uh huh,” Angel shook his head yes, and then moved back up the bed to face Buffy. “It told me its mother is the most beautiful women in the entire world.”

Buffy’s heart melted at Angel’s words. Instead of answering him, she pulled him close and kissed him tenderly, expressing through action what words could not. Slowly, her mouth trailed down, nipping lightly at his jaw-line before moving back to his mouth.

“I love you,” she murmured against his lips.

“I love you, too,” Angel whispered back to her before engaging her in a passionate kiss.

As the moon rose higher in the sky, the couple made sweet love to eat other, exploring their bodies as if it were for the first time. Later that night, they laid tangled together, contented smiles on their faces. One of Angel’s hands gently stroked Buffy abdomen as he drifted off to sleep.

For a few minutes, Buffy simply watched as Angel slept. It was almost impossible for her to believe that she was married to her Angel and that they would soon have a child together. There were times when she wondered if it was all a dream, but then she only had to look at Angel or at the baby growing inside her and she’d realize that it was all true...that she finally had everything she ever wanted.

Snuggling closer to Angel, Buffy wondered if she would ever get used to falling asleep in his arms. No, she didn’t think she would. It would always seem like something new and special. And she had forever to find out if she was right.

With a smile on her face, Buffy too fell into a peaceful sleep, dreaming of the happy future that lay ahead.

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