Disclaimer: Not mine and never will be.
Rating: tame
Feedback: It's important to my existence.
Distribution: just tell me where it's going
Author's notes: *sheepish grin* I read Robyn TSH's fic "The Zen of the Third
Season" and I got a kick out of it. It's a complete parody and this one is,
too. So don't mind me. :-)
Another note: I'm stuck on the fourth part of Even in Death, so I needed a
break. Hence this. But I'm working on it, I promise.
*The scene: Buffy and Willow are sitting in that coffee house they always hang out at. Both girls have huge coffees in front of them. Buffy is wearing one of her ethnic skirts and cute little shawls and looking totally unlike all other college students in the coffee house.*
Buffy: So.
Willow: So.
Buffy: I guess I should be saying something cute and then mooning over Riley, right?
Willow: That sounds right to me. Oh, and I should probably talk about my witchcraft because I seem to have nothing else to talk about.
Buffy: Well, I love Riley. Last night we went out and he said five words to me without stuttering or saying something about cheese.
Willow: Last night I cast a spell and studied. I also missed Oz.
Buffy: *sighs* Willow, can't you see that we're tired of your moping? Your boyfriend left you, big deal. We're all bored of your complaining.
Willow: Maybe I should be like you and get over my boyfriend in one complete episode. Good idea, Buffy!
*Xander appears*
Xander: Hi, guys.
Buffy: Hi, Xander. How is your current low-paying job going?
Xander: Great. Anya's coming over tonight, too. Maybe we'll have a little fight and then we'll jump into bed. Well, I've appeared in this episode long enough. I'm off to do something completely unimportant to the plot.
*Xander leaves*
Buffy: I should go patrol. Then maybe I'll hang around campus and discover some new, big evil. Then I'll fight it, all the while looking cute and weighing 95 pounds.
Willow: Sounds fun. I'm off to exchange words with my mysterious new friend Tara and give her some potentially meaningful glances. Maybe I'll hold her hand. Then we'll do a spell together and we'll talk some more. Then I'll miss Oz again.
*Both girls leave*
*Later that night, the entire gang is in Giles' house*
Xander: Could you please tell me why we're here?
Willow: We hang out at Giles' house because, for some reason, we have no other place to talk to Giles at. We always meet here to talk about killing evil. Then we reconvene here after killing it. That's our nightly routine.
Anya: And although you and I should be off doing things on our own, we're here too, Xander. I find that spending the night at Giles' house and making hints towards sex is great foreplay.
Buffy: And I'm here because I'm the Slayer and I need orders from Giles. Also, because Riley is always here for some reason and he touches my butt.
Giles: I'm here because it's my only chance to get some screen time. I hardly ever go on patrol with Buffy any more...*sad look* Oh, well! *perks up* I shall call Olivia and fly her in from England to have sex with her a few times before continuing on with my leisurely life.
Willow: I always wonder where you get money from, Giles.
Giles: I actually don't know. For some reason, my career as a librarian built up a very lucrative savings account.
Riley: Well, I'm here to give some helpful suggestions and help fight evil although I clearly do not have any fighting skills, despite the fact that I'm working in the Initiative. Then I'll say something dorky to Buffy and we'll go home to have sex.
*Joyce appears out of no where*
Joyce: I'm here to check up on my little girl and get a few seconds of screen time.
*Joyce disappears*
Xander: Oh, so *that's* why we're here!
*Later, after killing the big evil that Buffy promised she would find, the gang is back in Giles' house.*
Buffy: Well, that was quite a fight. The demons put up hardly any fight and appeared to be no danger at all.
Xander: And now we're back here before we all go off to our separate lives.
*Angel appears out of no where*
Angel: Here I am, to jack up the ratings and get more viewer interest, my black duster flying out behind me as usual.
Willow: Adding more mystery to his character, he'll say something cryptic.
Buffy: And then he'll stir up some sexual tension between himself and me.
Riley: And then I'll act all jealous that I clearly do not hold a candle to this man.
*pause*
Angel: We'll, I'll start. Buffy, you're in terrible danger. *fans swoon, exclaiming: feel the forbidden passion!* Xander: I'm still jealous of Angel, even though I haven't asked Buffy out
since the first season. I'll just sit here and glare at him. *glares
meaningfully* Anya: I'm bored. I want to have sex now. *Anya and Xander leave* Giles: Well, I'll go off and discuss demon-hunting with Willow, leaving Buffy and Angel here to get angsty. Riley: And I'll leave to bumble along and hang out with Forrest and Graham,
who are so much cooler than I. *Giles, Riley and Willow leave* Buffy: Why are you here? Angel: I told you. You're in danger.
Buffy: That's not a reason. Angel: All right...I suppose I should tell you. I still have feelings for
you, even though I've flirted with many women since I left you. I suppose
I'm allowed to, though, because I look like THIS. *pretends to be completely
unaware of how gorgeous he is* Buffy: I should tell you that I've had sex with two guys since you left me.
It's all because I've totally forgotten about you and I hardly ever say your
name. Angel: I'll give you a look of hurt and disbelief now. Then I'll disappear
into the shadows to fight the big evil once again and let you get on with
your normal life. *backs away, coat flying behind him* Buffy *all alone*: Well, now that the big crossover happened, I should be
getting on with my life. I'll say something perky and maybe paint my nails.
Then I'll go off to have very unpassionate sex with Riley (not even working
up a sweat) and maybe I'll angst over Angel a little. Not for long, though,
because I've always got *Riley* to have deep meaningful conversations with.
When you've got a life like that, who needs angst and developed characters
and actual plot lines?*leaves* And here ends my rant.
Send feedback to Ivy
Back to the Fanfiction
Archive
Does that even make sense? I have a feeling it was all gibberish. Oh, well.
I'm actually embarrassed by this fic, but what the hell.
*sporks Riley violently*