Spoilers: The big one for S5 Buffy.
Summary: Buffy's losing it after her mum's death. This is my take on her mind ramblings.
Notes: This odd little ditty is the result of an extra strong latte. Caffeine + sugar = evil.
Feedback: Would be appreciated.
Dedication: Shirley, who I couldn't write back to after she sent feedback for D-TW and Vindicator [the next part of which is coming soon. Right now I can say it's up there with Relapse and Affliction in terms of being Angel friendly]. Something about Buffymail stuffing up.
Also, to Sara Lee, the ever encouraging one. I think she missed her calling as a motivational speaker.

I wonder if he sees himself in my eyes. If, like a mirror, the reflections go on forever. Or if it just stops, right here with us. Like everything else.

But then, what about us was real? Maybe those were just created memories too. I can't be sure these days. If you can't be sure of family, what can you be sure of?

Although, I guess it doesn't really matter. Nothing lasts forever. Not even him. He'll die someday. But I hope.I just hope that I'm not around to see it. I hope I won't end up standing at his grave, or wherever, saying goodbye. I know we've said goodbye before, but.well, you know what I mean. It was never final. I mean, he's here, isn't he?

Isn't he?

The only reason he's here is because I've lost my mom. He's not here for *me*, he's here *for* me. If this hadn't happened, he wouldn't have come. He has his own life now. I'm not part of it. Same way he's not part of mine. In theory, that is.

What scares me is how easily we've forgotten. After going through so much, three months after it was over I was in bed with the next guy who happened my way. Shows how much I cared, huh? Then there was mom. I forgot her, too. Oh, God.

All this loss, it's making me.oh God. Oh God oh God oh God.

I can't think. I can't think *straight*. Everyone I love, they always say goodbye. Always fucking saying goodbye! Or, or, or they didn't exist. What can you depend on? What is there to depend on?

Nothing, not a damn thing.

Angel, he ditched me. Say whatever you want, "for my own good", whatever. He left me behind.

My dad, well, he just ditched me. No excuses there. Just left us.

Riley, see above. Took off.

Dawn, one year going on fifteen.

Mom.I want my mom. But she's gone, and that's it. Once you've lost someone, they don't come back. But, he's here. He's right here.

I'm lying against him, on his chest. His still chest. It doesn't rise, it doesn't fall. It's nothing; there's nothing in there. I think, I think I'm suffocating. My throat's burning, my ears are pounding. I'm dizzy, I.I can't, I can't, I can't. I can't cry. I won't stop. I need to stop.

I'm in my bed; I don't know how I got here. But then, I do. He was here.

Was he, or was that fake too?

But then, I guess it doesn't really matter. Memories are all I have. Nothing else lasts.

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