DISCLAIMER: All stuff BtVS and A:ts belong to joss and co. I'm not making any money from this so don't bother suing me.
RATING: PG for now, I think. it may be much higher in part 2. not sure yet.
SPOILERS: Every thing up to the end of both shows, especially 'Not Fade Away' and 'the Girl in Question'
SUMMARY: Post Not Fade Away, anything more would spoil it.
AN 1: This could be a prequel to 17 Multi-Coloured Plastic Bangles, which can be found at Http://lost.superihost.com

neither story requires the other to make sense but some of the things that happen in this one explain the past of the other, if that makes sense.
AN 2: To Kristi who I couldn't keep writing without. Hope your computer gets fixed soon babe!!!
AN 3: I know I should be writing more chapters of Happily Ever After, but I wanted to get this out of my head; it was beginning to itch.

He comes every morning to the same spot to watch the sun rise. He isn’t wishing it could burn him away to nothing any more; he doesn’t care enough to want death.

That last battle stripped him, it took him a while to notice but it had hollowed him out until there was nothing left. He could still remember every detail with crystal clarity, watching as the demonic dog like creature downed Gunn and started to tear at his legs. Killing it and throwing his friend in the dumpster, he still isn’t sure why he did it. He remembers that as the sun began to rise they took the fight underground. He remembers he and Spike fighting side by side for the first time ever truly united in battle. He remembers watching Spike’s ashes disappear into the blood stained sewer sludge. He doesn’t know how or when Ilyria was felled, only remembers finding her body, scattered in many pieces, the face that was still Fred’s in many ways mutilated and frozen in pain. He remembers fighting for 12 hours straight until finally no more monsters came and as the sun disappeared below the horizon, returning to the alley and finding Gunn unconscious but alive in the dumpster. He took him to the nearest hospital and waited. He remembers knowing the sun was about to rise and knowing he was safe from it in the waiting room where he sat, needing to know at least one person had made it through, that he hadn’t failed them all.

He remembers that as the dawn of a new day spilled across the city of Los Angeles, feeling the most intense pain through out his body, a feeling akin to the time he lost his soul. He remembers thinking how it was ironic that the senior partners had the power to lift his soul all along. He remembers people calling for doctors to help him as he rolled on the floor in agony unable to control his response to the pain. He remembers hoping that the powers could dust him from on high and would spare the innocents of the hospital his demon’s wrath.

He remembers waking up on a bed, with a regular beeping becoming a real annoyance within seconds. He remembers the doctors telling him they didn’t know why but he’d suffered a heart attack, three in fact and had died once in the ER. He remembers not really caring even then. He remembers laughing to himself when they said he was lucky to be alive. He remembers indifference to his newfound humanity, humanity he was supposed to have signed away. He is still indifferent.

It’s been nearly six months since then, nearly six months and no sign of a second wave from the senior partners. The only reminder that anything happened at all is the remains of Wolfram and Hart’s offices, offices that were condemned by the authorities a week after the fight. Oh and Gunn’s legs, or lack of them. They had to be amputated, but apart from now being wheel chair bound Gunn seemed to have bounced back better than he had. Gunn had found some of his family, an aunt and some cousins and moved in with them. It appeared neighbourhood heroes get looked after if they get wounded in battle. Gunn still looked in on him from time to time, but mostly he was alone. He didn’t really care though, he may be alive but he didn’t live.

As the sun turned the sky from inky blue to a myriad of colours; pinks, blues, oranges and yellows, he leant against the railing on Santa Monica pier staring but not seeing the dawn he had watched from this spot every morning for six months. Nature’s early morning spectacular was almost at an end when one silvery tear slid down his pale cheek. After a few more minutes he turned and wrapping his arms around himself, Angel walked slowly away.

*********************************************************************

It had been six months since anyone had heard from Angel or his team. Stories were running rampant around the world’s demonic community. Stories of how Angel had, while in possession of his soul, switched sides and Wolfram and heart had been destroyed in a battle between him and his former friends. Stories of raising demon gods, loosing souls and all out demonic war fair being fought in the city of angels. The stories were being spread like an enormous game of Chinese whispers. The trouble was no one knew the truth to start with. Whatever the stories that she heard though, Buffy didn’t believe. Giles tried to be sympathetic saying that that although it was shock, it was what they had seen coming since Angel had taken over Wolfram and Hart. Buffy just shrugged him off saying he could believe what he wanted but she would knew Angel and he wouldn’t have switched sides. And if he had lost his soul? Well she wasn’t ready to think about Angel finding perfect happiness with someone else, but if the senior partners had removed it by magic ‘and lets face it, if there was enough magic out there to make Angel have feelings for Cordelia there was enough magic to do anything.’ then Angel was not to blame.

Even though Buffy did not believe, when the news reached Giles he had called the Scoobies together in London wanting them together to face the possible threat of this new, maybe still souled, evil Angel they were hearing about. Buffy hadn’t cared at first, and this had concerned her friends. Regardless of what was going on, Buffy always cared about Angel. It didn’t take long to get the root of the problem, The Immortal. Giles was furious that Buffy had let herself become involved with such a character; he had thought Angel and Spike had been bad enough. It was Willow that figured it out, it seemed the Immortal had greater thrall powers than Dracula and was more adept at winning over his target’s friends and family than Ted had any hope of ever being.

So armed with a new de-thralled and embarrassed Buffy the Scoobies set out to discover the truth, to unravel fact from fiction. They still hadn’t made much progress. Buffy had wanted to go to Los Angeles and face Angel; she had sworn that if he was evil she would kill him. Her friends didn’t have that kind of faith in her conviction and had vetoed the plan, so they were still here, in London meticulously picking through the varied accounts that filtered through from the city that had been Angels home for the last five years.

Giles’ study in the new watcher’s council was filled with raised voices as new information was trawled through. Despite the din, when the phone rang Giles heard it and answered. Buffy didn’t much care, she was sat in an over stuffed chair; her input was largely ignored anyway because she was adamant that the whole thing was baloney. Then again she was the only one who had trusted Angel’s judgement to take over Wolfram and Hart in the first place.

“Buffy.” It was Giles voice that broke through her reverie, he was holding out the phone to her, the room had gone eerily quiet. Taking the phone she raised it to her ear.

“Hello?”

“Is that Buffy? Buffy Summers?”

“Yes, who is this?”

“My name’s Charles Gunn, I’m a friend of Angel’s” Part Two

Buffy replaced the phone to its cradle and just stared at it, biting her lip. The whole group watched her expectantly; during the course of the call Buffy had answered stiffly, one or two word answers, she’d written something down on a sheet of paper and assured the caller she’d ‘be there’.

They didn’t wait long, Buffy looked up and straight at her watcher.

“I’m going to LA”

The room erupted into pandemonium, people speaking at once mostly with fierce objections. Buffy just raised her hand to quiet them.

“I’m going, we can either all go together and do this as a team or you can stay behind. I don’t care. I have to go.”

The group gawked at her speechless. Not since they had thrown her out of her own home before the battle with the first, had she been so vehement when addressing the group. It was Faith who found her voice first. Apart from Buffy she had been the only other voice in the ‘Angel wouldn’t switch sides with a soul’ camp.

“Who was that?”

Breaking eye contact with Giles for the first time, Buffy looked over to her sister slayer.

“Some-one called Charles Gunn.”

Faith nodded and smiled. “So I take it the big bear was the topic of conversation?”

Buffy raised an eyebrow at the nickname, “Big bear? Never mind, yes it was about Angel.” Thinking for a moment she asked. “You know this guy?”

“Who Gunn? Sure. He was in Angel’s crew when they sprung me. Last I heard he wasn’t up there with the Angelus love. Blasted him with a flamethrower in fact. He’s a good guy.”

Buffy nodded, that was good enough for her.

“Buffy I must protest at this. It could quite well be a trap. If as Faith says, this Gunn person was part of Angel’s team, there is a good chance he was turned.”

Buffy frowned, but it was Faith who spoke up.

“Gunn? Get turned? Never gonna happen, he’s been fighting vamps too long for that. And anyway Angelus wouldn’t turn him. Him and Angel weren’t the best of friends as far as I could tell, he’s too much an alpha for Angelus to want around.” Then she shrugged “besides he’s not English.”

At every ones confused looks she laughed. “Come on! I can’t be the only one who’s noticed all of Angelus’ childer are English?”

Shaking his head Giles returned to the topic at hand. “What exactly did he say?”

Buffy sighed, every moment they spent debating this, the longer it would be before she reached LA. “He said he was a friend of Angel’s, that he knew we hadn’t spoken properly in years but he needed my help. I got the impression there was more to this than he was gonna say on the phone, but he didn’t sound like someone who had Angelus banging on his door.”

“This still…”

Buffy cut him off “look I already said I’m going, so either you’re in or you’re not. If Angel has gone evil then we’ll deal with it, if not, then we help however Angel needs us to, we owe him that much for the amulet.”

“Hey I was always gonna come, I owe Angel, and Angelus owes me a rematch.” Faith said moving to stand beside Buffy, shortly followed by her boyfriend Robin.

The two slayers faced the rest of the Scoobies defiantly, waiting for their response.

“You coming or not?”

********************************************************************************************

The flight from Heathrow to LA X was brutal. The whole way all Buffy could think about was seeing Angel again and what sort of trouble he could be in that not only had he asked for help, but he’d done it through a friend. Had they grown so far apart that he felt he couldn’t ask her directly? Then again when Giles had gathered the group, had she called him? All this time they were looking for information about him turning evil, but had any of them even thought to call him? If they had, they hadn’t mentioned it to her.

After landing they went straight to their hotel for the night. As they traveled through the city Buffy searched for any sign that it had born witness to all out demonic warfare; but like its inhabitants and those of any city with a demonic problem, even the scenery was in denial.

After a brief phone call to Gunn, to confirm their meeting time and place, Buffy said goodnight to her friends. She’d been amazed that in the end all but Xander had come. Giles, Willow, Faith, Robin and Andrew. Buffy shook her head as she lay down on her comfortable hotel bed. They had yet to find a way to get rid of the annoying sci-fi geek. For this mission, Giles had said it was vital that he came, he was the one who had had the most recent contact with the LA group after all.

And how pathetic was that? That Andrew knew more about what was going on in her soul mate’s life than she did? And Angel was her soul mate, before her death and subsequent resurrection nothing could have convinced her otherwise. She’d lost her faith for a while but then he’d come, charging into town like a knight out of a fairytale, to stand beside her in her toughest battle. That’s when she’d remembered, all of those feelings had washed over her like a tidal wave and she’d believed. But she’d sent him away, a part of her wanted to slap herself for the look that had passed over his face when she’d done it, but as Spike had burned before her eyes she knew she’d done the right thing. Now she had been called to aid him, something she knew in her heart she should have done a long time ago, even before Giles had reunited the group. But she’d stayed when she would have gone, she’d listened to what the others were saying and despite her protests at the time, as she lay in a bed in the same city as her Angel, she realised she wasn’t as convinced of his innocence as she would have liked.

Like a disease, the doubts crept through her consciousness, poisoning her resolve and lacing her heart with fear.

What would she do if he had turned, could she kill him again? Had she grown that cold? And what if he had turned with his soul intact? Would she try and save him? Show the same belief in redemption that he had shown Faith? Was she that strong? Or would she give in to what her watcher wanted and just kill him? She’d gone to bat for Spike, but she’d needed him to fight the First, would she have the same conviction faced with the love of her life, gone bad?

As sleep took her she prayed that whatever she was about to undertake, she would have the strength to carry it through to its conclusion, and whatever that conclusion, she could live with her part in it.

********************************************************************************************

Gunn shifted nervously in his wheel chair as he waited for the Woman he hoped could aid his ailing friend. He long ago stopped wondering when he’d started to consider Angel his friend, not just a colleague, a comrade in arms. Maybe it was during that blurry patch in his memory, those memories of last couple of years at the Hyperion that slipped through his grasp whenever he wanted to catch them. He put it down to the enhancements that he’d had at ‘that place’. But whenever the change in attitude had occurred it had hit him full force when they had thought Angel had gone bad. He remembered thinking that this was the time he could finally make up for what he’d done all those years ago in Lorne’s Club. Angel had told him afterwards that he would prove he could be trusted if he had to kill him and he did.

So when it looked like ‘that place’ had finally corrupted his friend he would do what his friend would have wanted. He would kill him.

In the end he hadn’t needed to, but before the final battle Angel thanked him. Thanked him for being willing to take him down should the need arise. But now his friend didn’t need taking down, he needed picking up and this was something he just couldn’t do, not alone, if at all. It wasn’t for lack of trying, but he was more used to people with too much fight, not someone who had no fight left at all. So he called the only person he could think of, the woman who Angel had mourned with such ferocity and depth that they had feared he’d take a walk in the sun after her death. A woman who’s resurrection marked a drastic change in his friend, but that’s when the memories got fuzzy, so he wasn’t sure what that change was. He just knew that if anyone could help, she could, and putting all that aside, there was the fact there was no one else left.

The diner Gunn was sat in was in his old neighbourhood, about two blocks from the apartment Angel was living in. He’d come here for milkshakes as a kid, back before vampires and fighting, he couldn’t help but snort at the irony of finding himself back here after all this time. Just a year ago he was living in a plush apartment, working in ‘that place’, the highflying legal eagle. Now he was back in the part of LA never mentioned in tourist guides, sipping at a milkshake that tasted just like he remembered, waiting for a ghost from Angel’s past.

He was shaken from his musing by a familiar voice.

“Ok, you had legs the last time we met.”

“Faith, you good?”

“Five by five but I can see that’s not exactly true for you huh?”

Gunn laughed and flicked his eyes to the group that had entered with her. There was tall middle aged man that reminded him of Wesley when they first met, a tall black man that had the look of a fighter, a redhead he remembered from the ordeal with Angelus as Willow, the crazy idiotic guy who couldn’t pronounce the word vampire, who’s name he couldn’t remember and a petit blonde. He studied the blonde for a second, it was her, he’d seen her picture in Angel’s desk once or twice back at the Hyperion. Sure she looked older but it as definitely her, and Cordelia was right, she did look an awful lot like Darla.

“Yeah I been better,” he smiled then nodded over at Buffy. “You Buffy.”

“You Gunn?” She shot back.

“That’s me, take a seat and just so you know, If I’d known you’d bring an army I would have suggested a bigger setting.”

After they were all seated Faith got in the first word. “What the hell happened to your legs??”

“Long story, but I asked Buffy here for a reason and let me stress BUFFY. So I need some introductions before start spouting my boys personal business. I know Faith, Willow and the nerd. But the rest y’all… better start talking.”

“Whoa easy Charley.” Faith raised her hands defensively then indicated the others in turn. “This is Robin he’s a vamp hunter and that’s Giles, Buffy’s watcher and head of the new council.”

Gunn stared at the watcher with undisguised animosity in his eyes. “You’re Giles? The one who refused to help when Fred was taken over by Ilyria? So you wouldn’t help then, why you here now?”

At the confused looks from the Scoobies and the death glare from Gunn, Giles’ jaw tightened. “I was not about to put council resources towards helping Wolfram and Hart. A position I still hold, by the way.”

“Yeah well it weren’t Wolfram and Hart that was askin for your help, it was a friend trying to save one of his own, now I’ll be the first to admit I didn’t help when it came to Ilyria. It was my fault she was here to begin with, but you had the power to help save some one’s life and you refused.”

“Angel and I will never be friends.” Giles countered stiffly, “and as CEO, what he does the company does.”

“Never be friends huh? Yeah I heard something about that, you know you and Wes had something in common in the end, Angelus got a nibble on both your girls, but what Angelus did had nothing to do with Fred.”

“OK, OK time out.” Willow interrupted. “We came here coz you said Angel needs our help.”

“Not your help. He needs hers.” He said pointing to Buffy who had kept quiet throughout the whole exchange. Her mind was a wash with conflicting thoughts. Angel had asked Giles for help and Giles had refused? Wesley’s girlfriend had died at Angelus’ hand? When? When Angel had had his soul removed on purpose, if what Willow had said was true, or later? Did this mean he had lost his soul and Angelus was now wondering free again?

“I can assure you Mr Gunn, that by calling on the senior Slayer for help you have called all of us.” Giles sniped, at the time he had believed he had acted in the best interests of those involved when he had refused Angel the council’s aid, now in the face of the confused and angry looks from Willow, Faith and Buffy he wasn’t sure if he had acted reasonably.

“Yeah well I didn’t call for no senior slayer, I asked for Buffy Summers, Angel’s big love.”

“What?” Buffy’s head snapped up and she stared at Gunn.

“You heard me, Now I know things between you two aren’t all flowers and candy, but at least hear me out, if then you don’t give a damn, then fine, I’ve done what I could.” Gunn said with a shrug whilst inside he was praying to any deity that would listen that she wouldn’t turn around and go home.

“What’s wrong with him?” Swallowing harshly she found Gunn’s eyes needing to see the truth in whatever response he gave to her next question. “Is he evil?”

“No, if he was evil I wouldn’t be talking to you. I’d be dead… no way I could fight him like this. No your boy ain’t evil,” Now it was Gunn’s turn to hesitate, while Buffy had sagged with relief at hearing Angel hadn’t turned, she had retained eye contact and Gunn needed that. He wanted to see exactly what her response would be. “He’s dying” Part Three

The Scoobies sat in shocked silence. Even Giles couldn’t believe what he’d heard. Vampires were either there or dust, they didn’t have an in between stage. A thought suddenly occurred to him and he stiffened.

“Well I don’t know what you think we can do, If Angel is as you say, dying, then I take it, it’s a poison of some kind and therefore there is nothing we can possibly do to help. I assure you there is no cure for a vampire poisons” ‘liar, liar pants on fire.’ A voice sung in his head, but he wasn’t going to let his slayer any where near Angel only to have him savage her like last time.

“Giles!” Buffy barked. She was furious; the same thoughts had crossed her mind only much like the last time, she knew she would do what had to be done to save him. “You know very well there’s a cure for vampire poisons, slayer’s blood.”

“Yes and now Angel knows this, how long do you think you’ll live if you go near him? I’m sure it was only by chance you survived his attack last time.”

“Attack?? Angel never attacked me! I made him drink! I had to beat him senseless just get him to do it!! How could you think Angel would ever hurt me? God, are you that blind?”

Giles stared incredulously at his slayer, but before he could reply Gunn jumped in. As fun as it was to watch them bicker, it really wasn’t the point.

“Hold up, no one said anything about poisons, or slayers blood or any of that shit. Man I thought you knew, I should have guessed when you asked if he was evil but, damn. Angel don’t need no Mystical cure, he needs a medical one, not to mention someone to convince him to go get it. Our boy’s human, been like that for six months.”

Again the Scoobies were gob smacked, for six months they had searched for information about an Evil Angel and now they realised it had been wasted time.

“He’s Human?” Buffy asked quietly, her voice laced with shock, “How?”

“Big prophecy, said it was some kind of reward, but seeing him now I’m thinking its more a punishment, the guy looks like shit.”

Willow was the first to speak. “What’s wrong with him then?”

Gunn sighed; this was the hard part. “The change was brutal, I mean jump starting organs that haven’t been used in centuries ain’t easy. Man’s heart couldn’t take it, had three heart attacks in 20 minutes, and died once in the ER. Now his heart’s weak, but he won’t do shit about it. The doctors told him with medication he could lead a normal life, and there’s a procedure they can do to fix it, good as new, but he just doesn’t care. He’s given up, completely. Without the meds or the op he’s got a year, maybe 18 months at the most.”

“Shit” Faith exclaimed.

“yeah that’s my feeling, so I figured the best bet was to bring in the old flame, maybe put bit of spark in his ass so he’ll go sort this out. I had to do something, he’s all that’s left.”

“All that’s left?” Willow enquired.

“It’s a whole long story, short version they’re all dead, Wes, Fred, Cordy, Spike, man even Lorne’s disappeared without trace. Me and the ex-vamp are all that remains of the once mighty Angel investigations,” Gunn said mockingly. “Yeah we’re so very mighty, him with a dodgy heart and me with no legs.”

“Where is he now?” Buffy spoke for the first time since hearing of Angel’s poor condition.

“Where he always is, in his apartment, boy can’t walk too far, too much strain on the ticker.” Gunn tapped his chest to emphasise his point.

“Does he know we’re here?”

“Nah, and bad heart or no, he’s gonna kick my ass for this.”

“I have to see him.”

“Sure, but I warn you, he ain’t a pretty sight.”

**********************************************************************************************

In the end it was only Buffy and Gunn who made their way to Angel’s apartment. Gunn had been adamant that Angel didn’t need to be faced with ‘Stuck up Englishmen with issues’ and ‘sci-fi nerds who couldn’t keep their mouths shut.’ Willow and Faith had already decided that it was for the best if Buffy went alone, and Robin didn’t know Angel, so saw no need to go with out his girlfriend.

Buffy couldn’t believe the state of the building that Angel lived in. The hallways stank of urine and refuse, the paintwork had long since pealed away beyond repair and only about one in four lights worked in the hallways. She was amazed that the elevator actually worked when Gunn called for it, but didn’t say anything. Neither spoke until they stopped outside a battered looking door on the third floor. Gunn fished in his pocket for the key, but hesitated before putting it in the lock.

“You sure you wanna do this? Look, if you’re gonna back out, do it now. Don’t let him see you then disappear ok? I don’t think he could take it. The man’s not well.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Glad to hear it,” he was about to put the key in the lock when he paused again. “You know, for the record, I think Cordy had it wrong about you, I don’t know what you were like back in the day, but you seem to care and that’s what my boy needs right now.”

With that said he unlocked the door and wheeled himself through followed by Buffy. The apartment was dark, the curtains were all open but the windows all looked onto the building opposite and very little light filtered through. The front door opened onto a living area with a kitchen, to her right Buffy could see two doors she assumed were the bathroom and bedroom. What struck her the most however, was how un-Angel like the place was, the furniture was mismatched and tatty, the carpet was stained, the curtains that hung in the window could have been from the previous tenant or from one who had left at least 3 decades earlier judging by the hideous floral design just visible despite the fading and ground in dirt. The whole place smelled stale and lifeless. In short it reeked of illness.

“Yo Angel? You here?” he wasn’t sure why he asked, but he always did, maybe because it implied that Angel could be somewhere else if he wanted or maybe it was just for a lack of something else to say.

There was the sound of movement behind one of the doors; as it opened, but before the person behind it could be seen or had seen those in his sitting room, a voice devoid of feeling, life and hope replied to Gunn’s cheerier greeting.

“Where else would I be?”

“Well get your ass out here, you have a visitor.”

As Angel stepped into the room Buffy gasped, it was Angel, she knew it was, but what she was seeing bore little resemblance to the man she’d seen 18 months before. His hair was longer, too long and hung limply around his head, where before his posture had been confident and strong, now it was crumpled and frail, but most of all he was thin, dangerously thin. His cloths hung from his frame like rags on scarecrow, his face was pinched and tight, ashen grey with dark circles under his eyes. Gunn had said he looked ill, Buffy thought he looked dead, more dead than he ever had when he actually was.

“Buffy” Buffy snapped out of her thoughts and met his eyes. She really wished she hadn’t. They were blank, even from the other side of the tiny room she could see the absolute nothingness in them. Not the Angelus-No–soul-evil-maniac nothing, but vacuum nothing, complete devoid of anything tangible nothing.

“Why are you here?” Again the voice was vacant, like he didn’t care either way. He didn’t even sound curious.

“I um…” She faltered for something to say. What could she say in the face of such a blunt question?

“What? a girl can’t come visit an old friend?” Gunn spoke up for her, sensing that the wrong thing said at this point could be disastrous.

Angel let out a chuckle, a dry raspy sound like sandpaper on gravestones. “Not this Girl, any way, we’re not friends.”

“Yes we are.” Buffy objected, and she truly hoped they were, 18 months was a long time not to talk to someone except for the occasional postcard, but this was Angel, surely they’d always have some kind of connection even if was just friendship?

“Really?” The voice was even, showing no hope or annoyance just plain straightforward inquiry. “Go home Buffy, you’ve become very good at staying away and I wouldn’t want to keep you away from your life.”

The first thing she was tempted to throw at him was that her life was standing in front of her, but his comment had also made her angry and she chose to follow that line of conversation instead.

“Don’t you dare throw that at me! You left remember!” She argued taking a step closer towards the ex-vampire.

“Yo, I got places to be, I’m sure you two crazy kids can cope without me. I’m gone.” When no one responded he shrugged and wheeled himself out in silence.

Buffy hadn’t really heard Gunn’s exit she was staring intently at Angel. As she’d spoken something had flashed across his face. It was only there for the barest fraction of a second but it gave her hope, hope that she could somehow break through the walls of ice that seemed to have wrapped themselves around Angel’s soul.

Angel watched Buffy dispassionately as she stared at him. He saw Gunn leave but didn’t want to break off his study of the girl in front of him. For years he had dreamed of her, his heart had longed for her and his soul had cried for her. Now he felt nothing, except cold, he always felt cold. As he looked at her he didn’t see the same girl he had loved with his entire being all those years ago, he saw a woman, a temptress. He saw the embodiment of all his delusions. She had been his reason, but his cause had been a false one. She’d made a fool of him without being there to witness it, but he couldn’t even muster the anger anymore. Anger didn’t change facts, you made mistakes and you paid for them, he just didn’t have the time he used to have.

Sighing he lowered himself into a chair, he’d been standing too long and it made him dizzy. He must have stumbled slightly because Buffy quickly rushed to his side to help him sit down. Once she had seated herself opposite him he spoke again.

“Why are you here Buffy? and the truth this time.”

Buffy bit her lip a moment, she couldn’t very well tell him she came because they thought he was evil and they were geared up to kill him. But she could tell him the partial truth that was better than lying outright, wasn’t it? “Gunn called me, he said you were sick, so I came.”

Angel just stared at her, almost pinning her to her seat with his eyes. She squirmed under the intense look.

“Try again.”

Buffy gaped at him, he knew she’d lied but didn’t seem upset, in fact he didn’t seem to have any emotions at all.

Sighing she ran her fingers through her hair. If she was going to tell the truth she may as well do it properly. “We heard stories, stories that you’d gone evil, lost your soul, gone evil but not lost your soul. We’d hear one and then next would contradict it. Giles did this whole reunion thing and we decided to try and work out what was true before we did anything, believe me when I say we got nowhere fast with that.”

She watched Angel’s face as she spoke but he seemed to have no response to what she was telling him. Sighing again she continued. “Then a couple of days ago I get this call, from Gunn. He said I should come. Giles and everybody said it was a trap but I had to come, we had to sort this out. So we came.”

“You came to kill me.” It wasn’t a question but the voice remained impassive and emotionless.

“What?? No! I never, never for minute believed that you’d turned.”

Again came that laugh, that cold dry humourless sound. “Why do I find that hard to believe?”

Buffy sighed in defeat. “Well I’m here now, and I want to help.”

“Do you now?”

“Yes! Tell me, please Angel, tell me how I can help you?”

“Go Home”

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Giles paced furiously inside his Hotel room. Things were going down hill fast. Once they had returned Willow and Faith had cornered him, demanding to know what his argument with the ex-demon hunter had been about. Put on the spot by two very powerful and angry young women he caved and told them about Angel’s desperate call for aid. What he hadn’t realised was that both Women knew and liked Fred, the woman he’d refused to help. Willow had become enraged and had to retreat to her room until she had her magics under control, Faith had just shaken her head in disgust and walked away. He wasn’t sure how to feel, for years he had held the moral high ground over Faith, but now the tables had turned. She had hurt people, sure, but never under the guise of doing the right thing.

Glancing over he stopped and studied the young man sat in one of the over stuffed chairs that littered his hotel suite. Andrew, his partner in crime, his overly willing little helper who had done as told just so he felt he fitted in and could be given the mantle of watcher. When had he become so cold that he would recruit impressionable youth to help him carry out his vendettas? When had he grown so bitter and angry that he had vendettas at all?

Catching Giles watching him, Andrew stopped chewing his nail. “They’re all really mad.”

“You don’t say.”

“I thought Buffy loved Spike?”

Giles blinked at the change in topic, then scowled. “Buffy is a fickle young woman who likes her men dangerous and unpredictable. I’m not sure Love has anything to do with it.”

“Willow told me that Buffy and Angel are soulmates.”

“Yes well, Willow is a hopeless romantic, she’ll see the silver lining on the darkest of clouds, she can also be incredibly stupid at times.” Giles Huffed. “Soulmates, most the bloody time he doesn’t even have a bloody soul.”

“Why does Faith trust him?”

“Angel is, in a way, her mentor, and of course they have a lot in common.” At Andrews questioning look Giles continued. “Didn’t you know? They’re both cold-blooded Killers. Always were and always will be. The sooner he’s dead the better, the world will be whole lot better off because of it.”

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Faith stopped outside the watcher’s door on her way to see Willow. The two weren’t the best of friends and probably never would be, but they had a common cause right now. They were both pissed as hell at Giles. She paused a moment and thought about going to speak to the Englishman, she’d been too angry before, but she was calm enough now, to give him a piece of her mind without punching him. She was about to knock when she heard voices on the other side. She could hear quite well thanks to her slayer status, and once she understood the topic of discussion she had to hear more.

“Willow told me that Buffy and Angel are soulmates.”

“Yes well, Willow is a hopeless romantic, she’ll see the silver lining on the darkest of clouds, she can also be incredibly stupid at times.” Pause

“Soulmates, most the bloody time he doesn’t even have a bloody soul.”

“Why does Faith trust him?”

“Angel is, in a way, her mentor, and of course they have a lot in common.” Pause “Didn’t you know? They’re both cold-blooded Killers. Always were and always will be. The sooner he’s dead the better, the world will be whole lot better off because of it.”

Faith felt like she had been punched in the gut, all this time she’d laboured under the impression that she could earn back the trust the watcher had once had in her. And what he said about Angel, she was furious, livid. She may have been destructive and jealous as hell at the time, but she knew the relationship Buffy and Angel had shared was special. Now with Angel so ill, but human, she hoped he and Buffy could work it out, at least then if he did die, he’d die happy and with the woman he loved by his side. Angel had done so much for her, believed in her when no one else would, if she could do one small thing towards his happiness it would repay at least a tiny part of the debt she owed him.

She backed away from the door in confusion. Now it looked as if the watcher was not only against the relationship but could possibly be conspiring to sabotage it. She wouldn’t let it happen. First she’d talk to Willow, and then they’d both talk to Buffy. And maybe then Buffy could kick her watchers ass, as he rightly deserved. Part Four

Buffy stared at Angel in silence. She couldn’t believe her ears, he was so cold, so empty yet so adamant she leave. If what Gunn told her was true, then if she left now, it could well be the last time she saw him alive. He’d said 18 months, but Buffy wasn’t sure Angel would last another 18 days he looked so ill.

“Why?” She asked the man sat opposite her pleadingly.

“Why? Why not? You came to take out an evil, possibly still souled vampire; Well I’m neither evil nor a vampire so why stay?” He tried to keep the bitterness from his voice and it wasn’t hard. It took an inordinate amount of effort just feel the slightest emotion these days.

“I came because Gunn said you needed my help!”

“He was wrong,” The neutrality in Angel’s voice was getting her incredibly frustrated. If he’d yelled, screamed and bitched at her, then she could deal with it. But he didn’t, he just sat there impassively, she asked a question, he’d bluntly answer, in a tone of voice that revealed nothing as to the reasoning behind his response.

“Sure you don’t need help, have seen yourself lately?? And you know you can do that now, BEING HUMAN!” Buffy stood and paced in frustrated fury. “You’re Human, and… You’re sick… and GOD, What the hell is wrong with you? How can me leaving, help you! Explain this to me please!”

“How can you staying help me either?”

Buffy deflated, he was right, how could her staying help him? She could try and force him to get medical help, but really what good was that in the long run, when he was in the state he was in?

“I don’t know.”

“Go home Buffy,”

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It had been an hour since the door had clicked shut marking Buffy’s departure from his life once again. Angel still sat on the tatty couch. He wasn’t brooding, brooding involved guilt and guilt was an emotion, a feeling, and he was numb. He’d been numb for 6 months, numb since he hadn’t said goodbye to Wes, Spike and even Ilyria. Numb since he’d lead his friends blindly to their deaths, pointlessly. True Wolfram and Hart was gone. Oh yes it was gone, turns out the senior partners weren’t as good as they would have had every one believe, without the circle of the black thorn to do their dirty work, they had to start from scratch. So for now, he and Gunn were safe. Soon Gunn would be on his own, but he doubted the partners would look for a crippled ex demon-hunter, who lived in a slum with his aunt and cousins, telling stories to youngsters about the battles he’d fought in his glory days. No he was pretty sure Gunn would be ok.

He’d been if not content, then at least not upset to spend his last days here in the city where he’d allowed himself become completely absorbed in his own delusions of a mission, a destiny and self worth. The truth of the matter was he was just a pawn, a willing, guilt ridden little puppet that the powers liked to play with and make do their dirty work. So he would spend the last few months of his life with as much dignity as he could. He wasn’t suicidal, he didn’t want to stop living, and he certainly wasn’t looking forward to hell; there were plenty of things he wanted to do. He wanted to see the world in glorious sunlight, he wanted to walk the Great Wall of China, he wanted a second chance at being a good parent, he wanted to tell his son he loved him. He wanted to go home and say a proper goodbye to his Sister and Mother, he wanted to tell his father he was sorry and he finally understood. He wanted to lay white roses on their graves. He wanted to take his first communion in 260 years, he wanted to get married.

He wanted to remember what it felt like to be loved, he wanted the last 5 1/2 years to be a lie. He wanted to go back to a time when Buffy loved him, trusted him. Thinking back over his relationship with the blonde slayer he had come to one conclusion, she never had and that would have hurt if he could feel. He loved her with everything he was until he’d raised his sword and jumped into the battle against the hordes sent by the partners. He’d switched off all of the emotions he had during the fight, as one by one his friends had fallen around him. Now when he saw her, the only thing he remembered was the times she’d said she didn’t trust him, three times to be exact. The first back when their love was so new, when she’d found out about Drusilla, the second in that police station when she’d come thinking he’d bend to her, forget his own convictions in the face of her anger and need for revenge and that third time when she’d told him by proxy, through the twerp Andrew, she’d hadn’t even thought to tell him face to face.

When he’d gone to Italy to… he wasn’t sure now why he’d gone, but when he had, he’d found out again through the idiot about Buffy’s feelings. That short but pivotal trip back to Europe had lead to a startling and, at the time, frighteningly painful revelation. She had never loved him anywhere near as much as he had loved her, if at all. At best he was a teenage crush, at worst an act of rebellion by a lonely, angry slayer embittered by her calling. At the time the pain had been so great, it had driven him first to drink and then into the arms of another blonde. A werewolf with a crush, a poor foolish little girl who thought he could feel for her, even when his heart was taken and then destroyed.

And now Buffy was in LA. He didn’t have the sense of smell he used to have, so he had no way of checking if she was still with The Immortal. Was he now helping them, because of her? It was easy to imagine, he wasn’t the only creature of the night to fall for her charms, to be sucked in by her illusion of innocence. Now she had come to his town, primarily to kill him. He wasn’t sure what to feel about that. He supposed he should be grateful, that they would go to any lengths to make sure the evil that once existed within him wouldn’t be left to roam free. It was irrelevant now, he wasn’t evil and she would leave.

He felt his chest tightening and gripped the cushions on the couch. Squeezing his eyes shut he took deep breaths, it didn’t stop the pain from coming but it helped him through it. These attacks were coming more frequently now, his heart reminding him of its poor condition, reminding him that the clock was ticking on his mortal existence.

He didn’t have the time to see the world now, he hadn’t the strength to walk The Great Wall of China, and his son believed him dead and was better off because of it. The logistics of getting to Ireland were impractical and he wasn’t sure what was stopping him entering a church, but he hadn’t done it yet.

No matter how hard he wished he couldn’t take back 5 1/2 years and as for feeling love? Well he never would again, all the love he had he’d already given away. So he’d settle for dying with more grace than he’d lived, he wasn’t afraid, he didn’t long for death, but when it came he would welcome the release.

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Buffy felt like she had lead in her shoes as she walked up to her hotel room. He’d told her to leave and she had, but she couldn’t help feeling that it was the biggest mistake of her life. The last time she’d seen him there was world of hope in his dark eyes. A confidence she hadn’t seen before, at least until she had sent him away. Was this payback? No Angel was many things, but petty usually wasn’t one of them. So what could have happened in 18 months to destroy him so much? ‘Well he lost all his friends you idiot’ she mentally scolded herself, but it was something more than that. They’d both lost people in the past and Angel certainly was no stranger to death. No there was something more. Was it even her place to pry? Five years ago, definitely, 2 years ago she’d have been pushing it, but now? Well logic dictated that it wasn’t her place, but her heart very rarely listened to logic, especially where her soulmate was involved.

She was brought out of her inner musing by the voice of her sister slayer, who was stood in the doorway to Willow’s room.

“Hey B, can you come in here a minute, we gotta talk.”

Buffy frowned, but followed.

She entered the room to find Willow sat, crossed legged, in the centre of the double bed, her posture was relaxed and Buffy thought she may have been meditating. Faith threw herself down on the bed jolting the red head from her inner contemplation. Buffy was startled by the look in her long time best friend’s eyes. There was anger, betrayal, pain and no small amount of fear. ‘Well at least they aren’t black’ she thought then mentally slapped herself for it.

The blonde slayer looked from the red head to the brunette and back again. “Guys, what’s going on?”

Willow indicated she take a seat on the bed with them. Once Buffy was seated the Faith took a deep breath and looked to the redhead for reassurance.

“B, I uh… look I didn’t mean to, but I over heard… Giles talking to Andrew.” When she paused, Buffy just raised an eyebrow in confusion and willed her sister slayer to continue with a wave of her hand.

“He said some stuff, nasty stuff, about you, Red, me and… Angel.”

“What kind of stuff?”

“He err, said you were fickle and liked your men dangerous and that’s why you went with Angel, he uh… called Willow an idiot and he said both me an Angel were cold blooded killers, always were, always would be, his words.”

Buffy took a deep breath, still very confused. “Ooookay, umm Faith isn’t this a little 4th grade? So Giles has his dislikes and we’ve all done things to piss him off, I guess he was just venting, sure what he was saying was really mean, but…”

Faith cut her off with a shake of her head. “You didn’t hear him B, he meant it. God, you remember all the shit I was saying back when I was working for the mayor? Remember how I sounded?” At Buffy’s nod, she continued. “That’s what he sounded like, he believed B. He said the sooner Angel was dead the better off the world would be!!”

Faith was pacing by this time; she threw her hands in the air in exasperation. “How many times has the big guy saved all your asses? Or the world? Sure when he was vamp he had a complete psycho just below the soul but Angelus is gone! Angel’s human and he’s dying and…”

Buffy blinked but was still seeing what she thought she was, Faith had punched the wall and now had her hand buried in the plaster work up to her wrist. Leaping off the bed she helped the brunette slayer pull her hand free and they both sat back on the bed.

Turning Faith’s bloodied fist over in her hand she inspected the damage. “Nothing broken.”

“Thanks, sorry about the wall Red.”

Willow just waved it off, she was hardly one to talk, she’d incinerated two pot plants and a shower curtain before she’d had the magics under control earlier. And thinking of…

“Buffy there’s more.” Willow faced her best friend sadly, what she was about to say would shatter any illusions Buffy had left about her watcher.

“You remember Gunn and Giles having that argument in the Diner?” Buffy nodded. “Well ok, so Faith and I knew Fred, we both met her when we went to LA coz of Angelus.”

“Total cutie, skinny little Texan, with a heart just as big, heard all about me from Cordelia but didn’t bat a lash when I showed up with Wes. Girl couldn’t harm a fly, but she was off the chart smart. When I was there she and Gunn had a thing.” Faith chimed in.

“Yeah so,” Willow Continued, “We both liked her so we wanted to know what Gunn and Giles were talking about, so we ah… sorta bullied it outta him…”

“And?” Buffy questioned, her curiosity peaked.

“Fred was taken over by the demon goddess Ilyria.”

“Like Glory?”

“Sorta, worse in way. Ilyria was an old one, like the demons in the Hellmouth are old ones. She ah… turned Fred into a shell, boiled her insides out to make room. She ah… umm… she destroyed Fred’s soul, burnt it to nothing.”

Buffy gulped and licked her lips nervously, she was liking this less and less. “What has this got to do with Giles, Gunn and Angel?”

Sharing a look with Faith, she continued very glad she’d had time to calm down. “Angel called Giles for help, to save Fred, before Ilyria took full control. Actually he wanted MY help, but only knew how to make contact with me through the council. Giles told him he wouldn’t help Wolfram and Hart; but he made it clear he wouldn’t help because it was Angel.”

“Could he, or…or you have helped?”

“Not really the point B,”

Buffy looked down at her lap, no it wasn’t the point. How could her watcher do that? Her thoughts flew back to him and Robin planning Spike’s death behind her back. Oh her watcher was more than capable of doing that. Suddenly a thought occurred to her.

“I spoke to Angel.” She ignored their confused looks, “He told me to go home, maybe… maybe he thinks that what Giles said… that…”

“That we all feel the same? That maybe Red didn’t help of her own choice? That we hate him? Yeah I caught that too when Ace didn’t call us the moment he was human. ”

It was Buffy’s turn to pace. To say she was angry was an understatement; she was furious and hurt. Her watcher, the man she once considered like a father to her had done this, had allowed an innocent to die, what ever his reason they were irrelevant. What else had he done without her knowledge? What else had he implied to Angel when they spoke? When she’d left the ex-vampires home she was swamped with confusion as to his attitude, but the pieces were falling together to form an alarming picture. No wonder he didn’t want her around, if he believed she’d let one of his friends die because of where he worked or simply because of who he was. She understood there had been a big battle, had he needed help then but not called for it? Because of what Giles had said? Had that been the only time they’d spoken or had other things been said at other times, like when…

Like she was suddenly possessed by an angry spirit Buffy whirled on her heal and stormed out of the room. Willow and Faith had watched with concern as she’d paced and when she marched out they exchanged worried looks before leaping off the bed in pursuit.

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They finally caught up with the irate blonde as she kicked in one of the hotel room doors. Buffy pulled no punches when she found Andrew coming out of the bathroom, a small hotel towel wrapped around his hips and slammed him bodily against the wall.

“Start talking.”

“hey, ow, and I thought slayers were supposed to respect their watchers.”

“Welcome to the 21st century. And you’re not a watcher.”

“And hey,” Willow spoke up cheerily from her position at the door, “Faith tortured her last watcher.”

“Hey! At least I didn’t flay a guy alive!” Faith shot back.

“Guys? Not now.” Buffy hissed looking over her shoulder at the bickering pair. Turning back to a frightened Andrew, Buffy increased her grip on his throat with her forearm. “You and Giles have been real cosy of late, so I want to know what’s been going on. Especial where a tall dark ex vampire is concerned.”

“OK hey, No problem, well little problem, coz I can’t breath.” Buffy released him and stepped back. “You uh… think I could get dressed first?”

“Talk.”

“Ok so, you want to know about when I went to see Angel?”

“Stop stalling nerd boy.” Faith menaced as she and Willow came further into the room.

“OK so, Giles sent me deep into enemy territory to rescue our troubled slayer.”

“Whoa, wait up. Enemy territory?”

“Yeah, Wolfram and Hart. Giles told me all about how evil they all were and stuff before I went.”

“You didn’t say that to any of them while you were there did you?”

“Well not exactly, I mean I had to keep them sweet, so they’d co-operate. And it was so cool, they had all this high tech stuff and big offices and hey Spike was there.”

“Spike?!” The three girls yelped in unison. Then Willow waved her hands excitedly, “oh, Oh, Gunn! He mentioned Spike, it slipped my mind at the time coz you know, Angel, Dying, real important, but hey.”

“Uh, oopse, I wasn’t supposed to tell you that.” Andrew said quietly chewing his lip.

“What else weren’t you supposed to tell us?” Buffy fumed. Spike was alive, but thinking back she recalled Gunn saying he was dead, so she’d leave that aside.

“Well uh Giles said mentioning Spike, was uh… I think he said counter productive. But nothing else I think. Oh except that both Spike and Angel were in Rome, before the whole research reunion thing. But I set them straight, how you were in love with the immortal and how You’d moved on and wanted them to as well.”

“You. Told. Them. What?” Buffy pronounced each word with care as she stalked the towel clad young man.

“Well uh, Giles mentioned how you were so over them, and how it really creeped you out when they got all stalker on you. And you were all snugly with The Immortal. It was kinda Funny, Angel kept saying something about cookie dough, and me and Spike both thought he was gonna cry, so ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh….” The rest of his sentence was cut off when he found his windpipe clamped in a vice like grip by a seriously pissed off slayer.

“Never think to assume how I feel, especially about Angel.” Dropping the slightly blue sci-fi nerd Buffy turned to leave the room more furious than when she had entered it. She was nearly out of the door when Andrew’s voice made her stop dead.

“But I wasn’t wrong when I told Angel, you didn’t trust him right? Coz Giles said…” Again he was cut off, but this time it was Faith that interrupted him, with her fist.

Buffy marched down the hallway and into her room slamming the door behind her. Faith soothed her sore knuckles as she stared after her sister slayer.

“Giles is a dead man.” She said with deadly seriousness.

“Think she’ll let us watch?” Willow responded, just as serious as the brunette had been.

“Maybe she’ll tape it.” Part 5 AN: In Dante’s inferno, the 9th circle of hell is described as a barren icy wasteland reserved for the worst sinners. It’s also the home of The Devil, who has three mouths and is trapped in the ice.

Buffy threw herself on her bed. Grabbing up a pillow she bit harshly into the material to stifle her screams of incandescent rage. She pounded her fists into the mattress, clawed at the linens as she howled her grief and anger, until her bed was littered with feathers and shredded fabric, and her voice was hoarse and dry. That’s when the tears came, tears of loss, of betrayal, of shattered illusions and lost love. Great heaving sobs she couldn’t stop. She cried for Faith who was so scared of loosing her first real friend, her champion. She cried for Willow, whose idol had proven so false. She cried for Angel, for all he had endured and the heartbreak he must have suffered. Curling around the tattered remains of her pillow she cried herself into a restless sleep.

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Faith double-checked the address she had written down as she looked up at the dilapidated building. Checking once, twice and then a third time she had to conclude that she was in fact in the right place. ‘Geeze one step up from alleys and rats, big guy,’

It didn’t take her long to find the right door, despite the lack of interior lighting and a smell the threatened to make her vomit all over the worn hallway carpet. There were no numbers as such on the battered door in front of her, it looked as if at one point it was painted white and where the brass numbers, she could see on some of the other doors, had fallen off the vague outline could just about be seen.

Steeling her resolve she raised her hand and knocked. It took a while but eventually, a very groggy looking Angel opened the door.

“Faith.”

“Hey, Angel, so was in town thought I might stop by see how you were.” Faith internally frowned at herself for babbling. ‘God I sound like Willow.’

“I’m not Evil.”

Faith stared at him for a second; Buffy had mentioned he was cold, but not 9th circle. She could imagine Buffy took the ‘softy softly’ approach with her one true love but Faith didn’t do soft, or nice or pleasant so she glared.

“Yeah I figured that, what with you being human and” She looked him up and down a moment. “ Clearly trying out for the role of Grim in the live action version of Grim and Evil.”

The pop culture reference was completely lost on Angel, but he caught she making a jibe at his appearance. Maybe he should have been concerned but he wasn’t.

When Angel just looked at her, Faith huffed. “Look, you and me, we gotta talk, so are you gonna invite me in or are am I gonna have to force my way in? Coz I am not having this conversation in a hallway.”

“Do you need an invitation?”

“yeah, that was just low. And for the record no, I don’t need one, as I said I could just bust my way in there, but I figured I’d go with polite to start.”

Sighing, Angel stood back, holding the door open for her to enter. Scanning the interior of Angel’s home, Faith thought she’d gone back in time to one of the many apartments she’d lived in over the years. If Angel’s state of mind was anything like hers had been at the time; then he was going to need a good smack upside the head, and soon.

“Nice digs” She quipped sarcastically but Angel just ignored her and settled himself on the couch. “You got anything to eat around here?”

Receiving no answer she ventured over to the kitchen half of the main room and started rooting through cupboards. Searching through every square inch of storage space she only found a tin of economy home brand soup, a pack of now very stale bread roles and a jar of Branston Pickle.

“Ok, I know you’re new at the human thing, but you do remember we eat right?” Faith shouted to Angel as she searched through the small freezer compartment.

“I was going to go to the store earlier, but for some reason I got distracted.” Angel sniped back, the barest hint of annoyance in his voice. The day had been trying, His chest still hurt from earlier and he was exhausted.

Faith caught it and latched on. “Check that out, was that actual feeling in that comment?”

Angel merely grunted in response. Finally giving up on her food hunt she ventured over to where Angel sat and took the same seat Buffy had earlier.

“Was there a reason you stopped by?”

“Yeah, my reason is you.”

“Really.”

“Yeah really, what the hell is your problem? You become human, and lets forget for second the whole not telling anybody thing and concentrate on the big issue at hand.”

“And that would be?”

“Your heart, asshole. Oh yeah Gunn told us all about it, not that we wouldn’t have guessed you were ill by the state of you. What the hell are you playing, not getting yourself seen to?”

“That’s not your business.”

“The hell it isn’t!! You know last I checked we were friends, and you know what, even if we weren’t I’m making this my business.”

Rather unsteadily Angel rose from the couch.

“I think you should leave.”

Angel was about to head to the door to emphasise his point when Faith jumped up and got in his face. She could see cracks appearing in his stony façade and wasn’t about to let the opportunity pass her by. She didn’t think it was an act, that he was being so cold to snub them, no, she thought it went deeper than that, that he’d forgotten, forgotten how to feel, how to care. So she was going to remind him and why not start with the two emotions they knew best? Anger and Guilt.

“No, you don’t get to do that, and you know why? Coz you wouldn’t let me do it. You saved my life by not letting me push you away, so sure as hell I ain’t gonna let you push me away. Not now. So…” Before Angel could blink Faith shoved him back, not hard enough to hurt but hard enough to topple him back onto the couch. “You’re gonna sit there, you’re gonna shut up and you’re gonna listen.”

When Angel opened his mouth to respond she glared. “Shut up”

She waited a moment to see if he would try and speak again, when he didn’t just looked up at her impassively she continued.

“Ok, so… WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE! You get given this reward, and then you waist it sitting on your ass in some flea infested shit hole, for what? Is this some martyr thing? Is your ‘woe is me, I must suffer’ complex working on over drive now?”

Angel looked at her startled, he hadn’t expected that outburst and he was in for a lot more by the look of things. Oh yeah Faith was just warming up.

“Maybe it isn’t, maybe you just thought, hey, I liked being a vampire and now I’m just a measly little mortal and I soooo feel sorry for myself. That closer to the mark?”

“No? OK how about this; you get turned human and thought hey look dodgy heart, easy out. Couple of years of discomfort and then blissful oblivion, no guilt, no nightmares, no people you thought of as friends turning round and saying they don’t trust you. No watching your true love, loving some-one else. Are we getting closer now?”

As Faith ranted, something began to spark inside of Angel, every word he heard jarring his mind like a train wreck. His expression grew darker and darker until as the last words fell from her lips he leapt from the couch and got right in her face with such speed that she stumbled back slightly.

“YES! Is that what you want hear Faith? Will that make you happy? You want me to tell you that I would rather die here, alone than beg that traitorous bitch and her so called friends for help? That I would rather live out the last few months of my pathetic excuse of a life the way ‘I’ want to, instead of how everybody else wants? Do you know what this humanity is Faith? Its not a reward, its compulsorily redundancy!!! The powers don’t need me any more so they made sure I can’t cause them any more grief, got rid of the huge threat to their side by making me human, dressed it up in pretty ribbons and sold it as my redemption!”

Angel took a breath, his face was flushed deep crimson with anger and he was panting hard. Faith looked at him worriedly, she didn’t know the specifics of Angel’s condition but no one should be that colour. He had just opened his mouth to continue his diatribe when his face crumpled in pain and his knees gave out.

Faith dashed forward and caught the ex-vampire under the arms and helped him back onto the couch, amazed at the feeling of bones beneath her hands. She dropped to her knees beside the couch as Angel wheezed heavily, occasionally letting out stifled groans from between gritted teeth.

“Shit! Angel! Damn it, can I get you something?” She was panicking and she knew it. But in the face of the man she had considered her only friend for a long time; crumpled up in pain, she wasn’t sure it wasn’t an appropriate reaction.

“m’ ok”

“Yeah you look it.” She sniped sarcastically, “Damn it Angel! Ok I’m calling an ambulance.”

“No,”

“No? Are you insane? You’re having a heart attack in front of me and you say no?”

Even as she said this she noticed his breathing was easier and the lines of pain on his face were lessening. She watched dumbstruck for a second as he tried to heave himself into a sitting position. Shaking her head, she moved to help him sit up then sat beside him, running her hands soothingly up and down his back. She didn’t know if it helped but it made her feel better.

“I’m fine. It was just a stutter, I shouldn’t get myself so worked up, I know better.”

“This is stupid, you shouldn’t have to worry about this at all.”

“Its better this way.”

“For who? Coz from where I’m standing you ain’t getting a lot of benefits.”

“I fucked up, Faith.” His voice was quiet and lost. “They’re all dead, because of me. I got it wrong, they all died and this is why I’m human, why the powers wanted rid of me, I wasn’t helping, I was hindering.”

“Angel…”

“Let it go, ok?” He closed his eyes and leant tiredly against the back of the couch. He wasn’t numb any more, but now his heart hurt, and not just his physical one.

“You know I can’t do that. You’re probably the only real friend I have, oh I have other friends, but ones who’ll stick by me like you have? Not one.”

She paused for a moment then had an idea.

“Do you remember our little brain trip last year?”

“Yeah,” Angel replied with a slight chuckle, his eyes still closed, god he was tired.

“Do remember what you told me when you were doing the twisted I’m fighting myself routine?”

Opening one eye slightly, he looked at the brunette slayer out of the corner of his eye suspiciously, but didn’t speak.

“You told me our time was never up, that we pay for every thing.”

Angel mulled it over silently for a while. He had said that, and it was true. Faith had been dying, and he’d told her to keep fighting and she had. She could have just slipped away, but she came back and was now fighting harder than ever. The symmetry was startling, now she was the one telling him not to give up. Could he do it? Could he live? Did he have anything to truly live for?

“It hurts.” He said quietly

“I know.”

Yes he did, not all his friends had perished in that alley behind the Hyperion. One was some where close by, probably telling some stake happy 17 year old off for going looking for trouble or flirting outrageously with the redheaded cashier at the store around the corner. The other well the other was sat beside him, needing him to keep going. That fact that, out of all the people he’d met (and hadn’t killed) in the last 250 years, he had only managed to gain the trust and friendship of these special two would fill him with awe and sadness for a long time to come. He was sure of it. But he would try, for them.

********************************************************************************************* When Buffy woke, she woke calm. The white-hot rage that had overwhelmed her the night before; now simmered patiently at the back of her mind. Her watcher’s face appeared in her mind’s eye and her jaw clenched, but she ruthlessly pushed it all aside, there would time for that later. Checking the time, she dialled Willow’s room.

“’lo?”

“Hey Wills its me.”

“Buffy hey, are you ok? I mean you were pretty upset last night.”

“I’ll live, I’m going to wait a couple of days before facing Giles tho, I think I might kill him if I see him right now.”

“Probably wise.”

“Look can you come over to my room? I’m gonna call Faith, I think we need to work some things out.”

“Give me 15, ok?”

“Thanks.”

After finishing her first call, she repeated the process calling Faith. Taking a quick shower and pulling on some clean clothes, she sat back and waited.

Willow was the first to arrive but she was followed not 2 minutes later by the Brunette slayer.

“So B, any reason for the early morning wake up call? Are we going watcher hunting perhaps? It’s been far too long since I’ve had this kind of itch to make someone scream.”

Buffy thought she should have been disturbed by Faith’s comment, but the thought of making her watcher scream had a certain appeal right now. Glancing at Willow, she thought the redhead might have been sharing her thoughts, judging by her expression at least.

“How does Robin feel about you disappearing all the time like this?” Willow suddenly spoke up.

“He’s cool, he knows how much Angel means to me. I talked to him about the shit with Giles, but he wants to be left out of it and I can understand that.

Since our long talk about vampires and souls I think he feels bad for what he did to Spike.” Faith answered with a non-committal shrug. Her boyfriend was currently sleeping like the dead and snoring loud enough to wake them, so she wasn’t too fussed about the early morning meeting, plus she had news for the group.

“I went to see Angel last night.” She announced suddenly. Buffy’s head shot up, but Faith waved her off, “Easy Blondie, not trying to cosy in on your man, he’s too good a friend for that. But we talked.”

“And?” Willow and Buffy said in unison.

“And he’s agreed to go back into hospital. Just to see if his options have changed, get a check up and shit. He’ll decide what to do after that.”

Buffy breathed a sigh of relief and shot off the bed where she’d been sitting, to envelope her sister slayer in a hug.

“Thank you.”

Faith disentangled herself from the grateful blonde and sat down in a chair by the bed. Willow frowned, deep in thought, there was something that had been playing at the back of her mind since she’d found out Angel was human, she just couldn’t seem to pin it down. In a flash it came to her.

“Oh!! He doesn’t exist.”

“Huh?” the other to said in unison, confused by the strange statement.

“Angel, he doesn’t exist. On paper, he has no last name, social security number, personal history…”

“Ok, that’s an issue but it’s not a problem right, I mean he’s coped this long with out one.” Buffy said gaining a nod of agreement from Faith.

“How can he go into hospital if he doesn’t exist? Sure the first time he was already in the ER right?” the slayers nodded. “So they would have treated him anyway, but if he wants to make an appointment, and he would have to see a specialist, he’d need to exist. Plus he doesn’t have any insurance.”

“Damn,”

“Well, I might be able to sort something out…” Willow added, with a grin. “I’d need some details from him, but I could hack into the social security database and create an entry and back date it, then work out from there, medical history, personal history, electoral registry.”

Buffy and Faith shared a grin. “That’s our Willow. Whatever would we do with out her?” Buffy laughed

“There is one problem tho, I won’t be able to get him insurance and whatever’s wrong with him odds are it’s gonna cost the earth.” Willow said, loathed to break up the happy.

“That’s not the only problem.” Faith added. “We were right, about Angel believing you all hate him. He’s hurt, now I think Red could convince him she’s on his side, but he ain’t gonna buy it from you B, too much has been said, he’s too hurt. I don’t know what you’re hoping, but there’s no big Buffy and Angel reunion gonna happen in the near future, he’s too messed up for that. Now he’s my friend and this is a friendly warning, don’t push him, not now.”

Buffy looked down sadly and bit her lip. Looking back up she met the brunette’s eyes squarely.

“My priority right now is making sure he gets better. I’d never forgive myself if there was something I could do to help him and I didn’t do it.”

The two shared a long knowing look. They were united in their mission. Save Angel.

“So what now?” Willow asked.

“You and Faith head over to Angel’s and get the information you need to make his new identity, be back by two if you can.” Buffy instructed her best friend.

“What are you gonna do?”

“I need to make a some phone calls and talk to Gunn.”

The two girls got up to leave, just before she reached the door, Faith stopped and turned back to Buffy.

“Hey B, why d’ya need us back by two?”

Buffy’s face hardened into a cruel smirk, that Willow was sure she’d taken straight from ‘the Angelus guide to creeping the hell out of people’.

“Coz after lunch, you, Willow and I, are gonna pay a visit to our favourite watcher.”

Part 6

He felt like he was watching the scene unfolding before him with new eyes, or maybe he hadn’t been looking properly before. Had he really come here every morning for six months and seen absolutely nothing?

Maybe, or maybe he hadn’t wanted to see. Hadn’t wanted to see the beauty that was laid out before him like a banquet. A wonder of nature’s brilliance, the embodiment of the truest form of life, the cycle of death and rebirth.

Chuckling to himself he leant against the railing on Santa Monica pier. He could just imagine, Gunn’s or Faith’s face if he had said that out loud to either of them. They’d have told him quite categorically that he needed to get out more or change his reading material.

He and Faith had talked well into the night; it had been hard at times, some topics sorer than others. They had agued, commiserated and laughed, but the only topic he had refused to talk about was Buffy. That was one open wound he wanted left alone. Faith had pushed, but backed off quickly when he became too agitated by her persistence. His earlier episode had scared her and she was loathed to upset to the point of causing another one, so the topic of Buffy and the Scoobies, was left well alone.

By the time he had fallen asleep on the couch, he had found something within himself that had been missing for a very long time. A tiny spark, he wasn’t sure if it was hope or purpose, but what ever it was, it was start. He was no fool; he had no grandiose plans for a sparkling future, no whimsical dreams of a perfect life. The closest he had come to thinking about the future was the decision he had made upon waking, well before dawn as usual. As he’d followed his early morning routine and headed for the peer, he had already decided that this would be the last time he came here to watch the sun rise. It was time to lay this particular ghost to rest.

Every breath still hurt and not because of the weakened muscled desperately trying to pump blood around is ailing body. No this pain came from the soul, the grief and guilt that would never leave. His mind was a maze of confused emotions; betrayal, love, hate, friendship, trust and mistrust. He realised it would be so easy to slip back into the numbness, to return to the cold dark place he had been just 24 hours earlier. A large part of him wanted to, longed to. But Faith was right; who was he, to decide when his time was up?

But then again who was he anyway? He wasn’t Angelus, or Angel: Vampire with a Soul. He wasn’t Liam, not for a long time. So who was he? Sighing he closed his eyes, enjoying the feel of the first rays from the sun on his face. It didn’t really matter. Maybe he could start again, be a completely new person, new name, new town, new life. No, he wouldn’t do that; he had people who would worry if he disappeared. That thought made the tiniest of smiles creep over his lips. Shoving his hands deep in his pockets he pushed away from the railing and headed back to his beloved GTX.

*********************************************************************************************

Leaning heavily against the stair well he cursed the broken elevator as he made his way to the third floor of his building, laden with bags from the grocery store. He really hadn’t lied to Faith the day before about being distracted and forgetting to go to the store. Only, before Faith’s version of a verbal ass kicking, all he probably would have bought was some tinned soup and some cheese. Now he’d bought a bit more than was easy to carry, but Faith was right he needed to look after himself better. Breathing a sigh of relief he pushed open the door to the third floor. It had taken nearly twenty minutes to climb the stairs, he had to stop at every floor, to give himself a breather and give his heart a rest. He could feel it straining under the exertion and for the first time it really saddened him. A year ago he could run hours with out stopping, leap rooftop to rooftop, throw a man twice his size across a room without blinking an eye. Now after a short walk, half an hour in a store and climbing three flights of stairs, he was wiped out.

Turning into the hallway that lead to his apartment,he stopped in his tracks. There were two people stood outside his door. Two women, two women he recognised. Struggling slightly, he continued down the hallway, they had yet to notice him and he was grateful for that, it would give him some time to prepare what to say. Why had Faith done this? Why had she brought one of HER friends here? And why Willow, out of all of them? That small spark he’d found earlier, grew dimmer as he contemplated what could have brought them to his door, how many more betrayals must he endure before he learned to trust no one but himself?

“I suppose you two want to come in?” he asked as he reached the door, making Willow squeak in surprise.

The pair nodded, Willow not sure what to say and Faith confused by the return of the cold demeanour in her friend. They entered the apartment in silence, Angel moving to put away his groceries, without speaking to or making eye contact with either girl. They remained in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes, broken only by the sound of tins being placed in cupboards and the refrigerator door opening and shutting. Faith watched as Willow wrung her hands worriedly from her place stood in the middle of the main room.

Nudging the Redhead, Faith nodded her head towards the ex vampire who had his back to them. Taking a deep breath and setting her jaw in the familiar resolve face, Willow stepped forward.

“Angel… I want to help.”

Angel stiffened and lowered his arm from where he was putting a jar in a high cupboard. Placing both hands flat on the counter he leant his weight on them, tension radiating from his body in choking waves.

“Why?”

“Because you’re my friend.”

“Am I now?” he answered back turning to face the redhead, leaning back against the counter and folding his arms over his chest.

“Yes, you are. I don’t leave the middle of a fight, to drive two hours, to do a soul restoration spell for just anyone you know.” She offered up a small smile, but Angel’s face remained neutral. Taking a step closer she studied him closely. “I know you don’t believe me, and don’t trust me. But you do need me.”

“Faith says you want to go back into hospital soon.” It wasn’t a question but Angel nodded slightly. “Then you need my help, and that’s why we’re here.”

Angel looked from the determined red head to the slayer standing a short distance away. She was looking at him pleadingly. The tension left him and he raised his hand to squeeze the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger.

“OK, explain this to me.”

Willow looked over to Faith and they shared relieved grins. Moving over to the small kitchen table and pulling out her laptop, Willow directed Angel into a seat. Wrinkling her nose with a giddy grin, she began to explain.

********************************************************************************************** At exactly 2pm three extremely powerful young women met in the lobby of the Meridian Hotel. One blonde, one Brunette, one redhead. One mission.

“Any luck?”

“Oh yeah. Angel Keeley, Born May 12th 1978, first generation Irish American, resident of Los Angeles CA. now officially exists and has done since he immigrated to the US with his parents in 1986. He’s supposed to have duel nationality but its gonna take a few days for me to get him on the Irish systems and sort all of the little odds and ends. But… Mission accomplished.”

“How bout you, B?”

“Spoke to Gunn, got lots of useful and enlightening information. I take it you guys want to stay here too, until Angel’s better?” The two other girls nodded. “Then we now have somewhere to live, that isn’t council funded.”

“So what now?”

“Andrew’s been avoiding everyone all morning. Giles has been his usual self and just went back up to his room. I say we pay him a visit.”

**********************************************************************************************

Giles leant back in his chair as he read the paper work in front of him. It hadn’t taken long for the researchers at the council to find out exactly what he needed to know. 24 hours and he had a means to a swiftly executed end. It was drastic, he knew, but he had to cover his tracks now and fast. It may not come to the drastic action he now had the information to carry out, but it could.

It all depended on two things. Buffy’s feelings and the where the loyalties of the other slayers lay; all sixty active ones and the 25 or so newly activated potentials. Oh and of course, how much the twerp Andrew had given away.

He hadn’t seen any of his young charges that morning and it worried him. He doubted Faith had put the pieces together and realised that he had been using Andrew to drive a rift between the blonde Slayer and the souled vampires, but Willow was clever, too clever for own good. Picking up the phone he dialled the number on the paper in front of him.

“How soon can you be in place?”

“No, not for the moment.”

“Any residual evidence?”

“Good”

“Be ready to go when I say.”

Giles was interrupted when the door to his suit burst open and Buffy and Willow stormed in.

“Giles,” Buffy said sweetly, “I think there’s something you need to tell me.”

Telling the person on the other end of the phone to wait a moment, he pulled the phone away from his ear and looked directly at his slayer.

“What exactly is it, that you think I need to tell you?”

At that moment the sounds of struggling could be heard outside the door and Faith entered, dragging a resisting Andrew by his hair. Giles looked to the boy then back to Buffy. Seeing the anger so evident in her posture, her face and in her eyes, he raised the phone back to his mouth.

“You have the go ahead” he enunciated calmly before hanging up. “So you know.”

“HOW DARE YOU!” Buffy yelled storming over to her watcher. “What right have you to meddle in my life? In his?”

“Being your Watcher gives me all the right I need to make sure you are no longer bothered by that useless… Animal.” Giles steamed rising to his feet. “From the moment he stepped into our lives, he has done nothing but cause chaos, I saw an opportunity to finally sever any ties he believed he had and I took it. You are the Slayer! And as such you know as well as I do your duty is to rid this world of Evil, of Monsters, like him.”

Buffy struck, her hand flew out and slapped the watcher’s face with such force he stumbled back into his chair. Faith let go of Andrew, he’d served his use and she didn’t blink when he skittered from the room. Flanking Buffy, she and Willow approached the Watcher.

“You let an innocent young woman perish, and you did it in my name.” Willow hissed, swirls of back running through her usually kind green eyes.

“All because of who she worked for, for what? Revenge?” Faith joined in, corralling the watcher. “Wrong person, asshole.”

Resting her hands on the arms of his chair Buffy leant in until she was nose to nose with the man she once loved as a father. “You manipulated Andrew, and used him to spread malicious lies, lies designed to hurt a man to whom you owe your life many times over. The man I Love, have always loved and always will love.”

Buffy pushed away from the chair and turned her back on the watcher. Giles went to speak but Willow silenced him.

“Shut up.” With a wave of her hand Giles found his voice gone, his mouth frozen.

“You were going to sit here and watch him die. You were happy about it!” Faith took her turn at venting her frustration.

Buffy suddenly spun round and grabbing Giles by the lapels, she threw him across the room, where he landed in a heap against the far wall. As Giles struggled to stand Buffy approached him and placed her foot on his chest.

“I used to think of you like a father, I loved you like one. I trusted you more than I trusted anyone other than Angel. Now you just make me sick. When we leave this hotel I never want to see you again, the only reason you’re not dead is because I have issues about killing humans. Something you don’t seem to have a problem with.”

As Buffy yelled at her watcher, Willow moved over to the desk and scanned the papers littering the surface. One in particular caught her attention, grabbing the watcher’s cell phone; she checked the recently dialled numbers and gasped.

“Buffy” Turning to the redhead, Buffy saw her holding out a sheet of paper in a trembling hand. Taking it in confusion, Buffy quickly read over its contents.

Target has heart condition, serious.

Tactical evaluation: high dosage stimulants administered at range.

Diagnosable cause of death, sudden lethal cardiac episode.

Available for immediate implementation.

Operative in place – 555 012446

Buffy looked to her best friend and the truth was written in her face, she didn’t have to ask. Giles’ words from earlier rang in her head. ‘you have the go ahead.’

“Angel.”

Epilogue

Buffy looked through the small window into the hospital room and at the frail form lying unconscious connected to a myriad of machines. She knew that some part of her couldn’t walk away from the window just in case the continual beeping from the heart monitor became that terrible flat line sound. She felt someone touch her shoulder and turned to see Willow looking at her reassuringly.

“He’s going to be fine Buffy.”

“He looks so fragile.”

“Well… the doctor said the procedure was a complete success. So he should be up and about in no time.”

“I can’t believe he had it done so soon.”

“Yeah well, almost dying lit a fire under that boy’s ass.” Faith’s laughing voice announced her presence. “He was dammed lucky Gunn was there.”

Gunn had been in the room with Angel when the tiny dart had hit. Angel had shrugged it off as an insect, only to collapse 5 minutes later. Gunn had called an ambulance and had even thrown himself out of his chair onto the floor beside his friend to perform CPR. In short Angel owed Gunn his life. After that Angel had become driven and, financed by the money left over form his days as Angelus and his salary from Wolfram and Hart he had gone in for the operation that would lengthen his life by possibly 50 years.

Although he spent time in Buffy’s presence, he was cold and distrusting. But he had promised they would talk, after he had the operation. Sticking to her promise not to push him, Buffy held back, but inside she was desperate to find a way to at least clear the air between them. But they had time. He knew it was Giles that tried to kill him and Buffy had watched from afar as Willow and Faith had shared his distress over the news. He knew that she had no part in the refusal to aid in Fred’s cure. But the issue that was just between them, The Immortal, he refused to talk about.

It was over a month since the confrontation between the three women and the watcher. After they had raced from the hotel upon realising Giles’ intent, they hadn’t seen the watcher again. They assumed he’d returned to England. Between them they had decided to stay in Los Angeles and Robin had gone to England to retrieve their belongings and returned with Xander in tow. They were now all living in the house that Buffy had grown up in, the house her father hadn’t sold after the divorce and Buffy managed to finagle the keys to from Her father’s assistant. So far her father had made no attempt to contact her about moving, so she assumed he was still in Europe with his secretary.

Resting her head on the redhead’s shoulder, Buffy continued to stare through the window.

“He’ll wake up soon.” Faith said quietly. “I should be in there.”

“Go, Faith, he needs you.”

“Give him time B,” the brunette said as she passed the blonde on her way into the room.

Buffy watched as Faith settled herself into a chair beside the love of her life. She continued to watch until Angel’s eyes groggily opened and he offered her sister slayer a small, hazy, morphine laden smile. Turning from the window she headed down the hallway towards the cafeteria where she knew the others would be.

If time was what he needed, then that’s what she would give him. At least now he had it. And besides, be they friends, lovers or enemies one thing always stayed the same. She loved him.

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