Okay, here it goes. I was very, very depressed after the finale of Angel. Not because they're probably all dead but because it was so incredibly lame. And I swore I'd never type a letter for a B/A fic. Alas, here is a new one. I just recently got the BtVS season 4 and 5 tapes on sale and re-watched the episodes. This is what happened. Sorry if it's a little rough, but I'm out of practice in this fandom.
Disclaimer: Nope, not mine. And no, I'm still not making any money. It's sad, really. If any of the lines in this fic look familiar, it's because they are taken from either one of the episodes mentioned below.
Rating: Watch the show? Then you can read this.
Spoilers: The whole BTVS, AtS-Canon to be certain.
Summary: That's how I wish "Listening To Fear" and "Into the Woods" might have happened.
Archive: want, take, have … just let me know where it goes
Feedback: hell, yes, I'd love to know what you think, so send it to connemara.scarlets@t-online.de

The music was too loud. She knew it was way too loud, but for once she didn't care. She needed it, craved it even. She didn't even know why. Was it to silence her own wild thoughts? As if anything could. The cacophony in her head was slowly driving her mad. It was just too much. And the radio didn't help, but at least she didn't have to listen to her mother slowly losing her mind.

She mechanically cleaned the plates, rinsed them off, then put them away to dry. She hated doing that kind of work, but tonight it helped. It was like slaying, like kick, punch, stake, just a lot less violent.

Unfortunately it didn't help. Before she could stop them, Buffy felt hot tears leaking from her eyes, the pressure inside of her so huge, she couldn't contain them anymore. She felt them run down her cheeks, felt the rivers forming on her skin. Her body started to shake, started to quiver all over.

Oh God. She was losing it. They were all depending on her, Dawn, her mom, her friends, the world, and she was falling apart. This couldn't be happening. She had to keep it together or everything would be lost. Desperately trying to gain back some of her hard won self-control, she never heard the kitchen door opening, and almost jumped out of her skin when two big hands came to rest on her shoulders.

Cool hands. Familiar hands.

"Angel?" She said his name like a question, the way she always had, even though she wasn't really surprised. Why, she couldn't say.

He didn't take his hands away, and she didn't turn around. She didn't have to.

"I thought you could maybe use a pair of arms holding you."

And then she was in them. Without further talk, she turned and sank right into them, letting them hold her, soothe her, calm her, and her tears ran, and she was shaking all over, but she didn't care. Because those two arms were around her. She had no idea why he was here, how he knew or what it meant, but she didn't care.

For once, she didn't care.

The music was still blaring from the radio, the plates were still soaking in the water, her Mom still had a brain tumor and Glory was still somewhere out there, and Buffy couldn't remember ever having felt more safe in her life.

It seemed like ages before either of them found their voice. It was Buffy who spoke first. "What … are you doing here?" She raised her head from his shoulder and looked up at him. "Not that I'm complaining or anything, but I'm still a bit curious."

His eyes were dark and serious, and Buffy noticed a weariness in them she had never seen before. "Xander called me."

"Xander?" She couldn't help sounding incredulous. Xander Harris was the last person she'd ever thought would ask for Angel's help.

"He said you were in pretty bad shape and in need of a friend."

No, it wasn't just weariness. He was tired, shadows were underneath his eyes, and considering the fact that he was a vampire and technically couldn't change, that was saying something. Before she could question the move, she reached up and cupped his cheek. "You don't look too hot yourself."

His lips turned into a half-smile that was achingly familiar. "I have a lot on my mind. Maybe it's enough to tell you that Darla's back."

Her eyes widened. "Darla? The last time I checked she was dust on the floor in the Bronze."

He sighed and his smile slipped. "Yeah, well, things have been a little crazy in my world."

"Sounds like it." She suddenly became aware of the fact that her palm was still lying against his cheek and quickly pulled it back, and in the same moment stepped out of his embrace. The loss of his touch was almost a physical pain, but Buffy ruthlessly pushed the feeling away.

They looked at each other for a moment, then Angel cleared his throat. "So, how's your mom? Xander said she's sick."

Strange, all of a sudden nothing seemed as terrible anymore as it had been just a few short minutes ago. "She's scheduled for surgery the day after tomorrow. She has a brain tumor."

"I'm so sorry, Buffy." His voice was quiet, accepting, and he didn't try to tell her that everything would be alright. As much as she wanted to hear it, she knew it was worth nothing because nobody could predict the outcome of the operation. His presence made it easier to bear, though. "How do you feel?"

And when was the last time anyone had asked that question. How long had it been that she didn't need to pretend. "Bad. As if … I'm going to lose her. It's irrational, I know, but I'm quivering with fear the moment I stop moving or doing something or talking or …" Her voice died, her throat feeling all choked up.

"I wish I could say something to make it better, but," he shook his head ruefully. "What I can say, though, is that you're strong. A lot stronger you usually give yourself credit for. You're going to get through this, whatever happens."

He didn't know about Dawn, Buffy suddenly realized, or he wouldn't say that with such conviction. Or maybe he did, but he certainly didn't know about her little sister being the key. She was about to explain, when she noticed something, and her brows quirked almost involuntarily. "What's with the leather pants?"

For a moment he seemed confused, then a grin appeared once again. "Long story. Don't ask."

"Has it to do with Darla coming back?"

"Okay, maybe not that long. Anyway, I'm here because of you, not the other way around."

That was when she heard it. "What was that?" she asked, reaching for the radio to turn it off.

"Someone-" Angel started when they both heard it.

"BUFFY!"

"Dawn!"

They sprinted up the stairs, into her mother's room, finding Joyce trying to wipe some slimy substance from her face while Dawn stared at them both with eyes like saucers.

"What? What is it?" Buffy asked, addressing her sister.

"There's something out there, Buffy. It's … it's after Mom." Dawn couldn't take her eyes off of Angel who was a looming dark presence behind her sister's shoulder.

"Don't leave this room!" Buffy ordered, and she and Angel were out of the door once again.

She hadn't quite closed it when something large and heavy dropped down from the ceiling and right onto Angel, who was trying to wrestle with it, but failed and he and the unknown assailant were tumbling down the stairs, Buffy racing after them.

"Angel!" she called, before she found him downstairs, thankfully unharmed. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he whispered. "Where did it go?"

"I don't know," she whispered back. "But we'll find it." With that she turned towards the kitchen, trying to see something in the darkness, and finally her eyes fell on the meat knife on the counter. Taking it firmly in her hand she turned and almost bumped into Angel who had followed her as usual. "Sorry," she said.

"No problem. Just don't use that one on me."

"I didn't plan to," she told him, and they shared a quick grin. It felt a little unreal, but Buffy didn't mind. Not one bit.

It was over the next five minutes. The thing, whatever it was, jumped Angel and Buffy killed it. Three well placed stabs with the knife and it was history.

Angel helped her to her feet and they were still holding hands when the door burst open, and a bunch of commandos, lead by one Riley Finn, stormed into the house as if World War II was still on. Riley was on Buffy's side instantly. "Buffy, you okay?" he asked, reaching for her, and glaring at the dark-haired vampire at the same time. Angel knew Riley was dying to ask why Angel was here, but didn't dare.

It brought the vampire great pleasure when Buffy didn't spare her boyfriend a second glance, just turned towards the stairs to check on her mother and Dawn. Instead Angel looked at the blond man he'd met once before.

"You just missed a real nice time," was all he said before he turned away.

*****

"Can I use your phone?"

Buffy looked up from folding the wash and nodded. "Sure. It's still where it was before." She saw him turn away and called out. "Angel?" He stopped and turned back to her. "Thanks. I'm really glad you came."

"What about Riley?"

"Let me handle Riley. You're here because you're my friend, right?"

"Yes," he confirmed, smiling a little. He pointed at the kitchen door, "I'll be right back, okay."

"Yeah."

She didn't want to overhear his call, but she still did. "What do you mean Darla's disappeared? … I see. … And nobody knows where … Uh-huh. Okay. You've got my phone number. Call me if … Thanks."

Buffy didn't look up when he returned to the living room, but she couldn't help asking, "So, Darla's gone."

He was quiet for a moment, "Seems like it. I just needed to check. Things have been pretty tense."

"Sounds that way." She folded the last pullover and picked the pile up. "This goes in my room, so if you wanna…" She nodded at the stairs and he turned to follow her up.

Her room had changed, he noticed. Gone were the pink ribbons, the girly stuff, he'd seen before. Also gone was the pig. "Where did Mr. Gordo go?"

"In the closet," she replied with a grin. "I would never give him away."

He grinned back, "Good to know."

"So," she put the clothes into a drawer, and turned to face him. "About Darla."

He sighed and sat down on her bed. "She was brought back. Human." He nodded when she gasped. "There's this evil law firm in L.A. that's really getting to me."

"Hence the leather pants."

He shrugged, not sure how to react to that. "I kind of … It's difficult. Things are complicated. I've been trying to make her see that being human, having a soul is … She's got a responsibility now."

She sat down beside him, then scooped back, leaning against the headboard, her legs fully lying on the bed. Angel watched her, then assumed the same position. It was oddly intimate, but neither cared. "It must be hard," Buffy said. "I mean, you killed her to … to save my life. I guess she's still pissed because of that."

He laughed, a quick, sharp sound. "You have no idea." He cleared his throat. "So, what about your mom? When's the surgery going to take place?"

"Very early tomorrow." She paused, then took a deep breath. "I'm so scared, Angel."

His arm instantly came around her shoulders. "I can't be at the hospital with you," he said. "It's daylight, and well-"

"Riley."

"Riley," he confirmed. "He's your boyfriend. But … I'll be around. If you should need me."

"Where are you going to stay?"

"Xander said the mansion is a ruin now, but I suppose it'll do for a few hours."

"Okay." She leaned her head against his shoulder. "Thanks for being here."

"You're welcome."

Right that moment the door swung open, revealing Dawn. Buffy shot her a lethal glare, "What did I tell you about knocking before entering?"

But Dawn didn't respond to that. She simply stared at the two people on her sister's bed and finally turned her accusing gaze on Buffy. "But," she stammered, "what about Riley?"

*****

He hadn't planned to come here. Not by a long shot. But he'd been walking the dark streets of Sunnydale while following a vampire for the last half hour and somehow ended up here. It was a part of the town he didn't remember. He'd been here before, he was sure of it. Old abandoned warehouses, dark alleys, just the right place for a bunch of bloodsuckers.

Angel shook his head over himself. He had enough problems at home, but he was still here, even though Joyce was going to be fine and Buffy was much better. He was a sorry case…

… who could hardly believe what was happening right before his eyes when he saw a well known shape enter an old, run-down building.

What the hell was Riley Finn doing around here? Did the guy have a death wish? With his current luck Angel would end up saving the fool's life. Angel wondered if maybe dealing with Darla wasn't the worst thing that could happen.

"I don't believe it."

Angel stopped dead in his tracks. Buffy had told him that the bleached blond vampire was hanging out in Sunnydale, even helping them from time to time, but hearing her talk about Spike was one thing. Meeting the annoying whelp was an entirely different matter altogether.

Not turning around, he hissed, "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Nice to meet you, too, pal. And if you're wondering where soldier boy just went. This is the town's vampire whorehouse."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Nice, huh?" Angel heard Spike light a cigarette, heard him draw in deeply. "You'd think shagging the Slayer would satisfy him. But no."

Spike went on talking, but the dark-haired vampire had stopped listening. There was a roaring in his ears and a red mist in front of his eyes.

***

Riley didn't know what had hit him. His head was swimming and there was a terrible pressure on his windpipe while his body was dragged down the stairs with brute force and finally hurled out of the door and in the dirt.

He blinked, and when his vision cleared he couldn't believe his eyes. "What the hell are you doing here?" he shouted.

Angel glowered down at him, his eyes gleaming amber. "I could ask you the same question. In fact, I'm doing it. So, what the hell are you doing here?"

"Good question."

He whirled around, glaring at his annoying grand-childe. "And why are you still around? No, rewind that. I can just guess. Probably your usual playground."

"Hey!" Spike cried in indignation. "I resent that. I," he looked at Riley who was sitting on the ground, wiping his bloody nose, "do have some class."

Angel didn't spare him a second glance. "Get lost."

"But-"

"Now!"

Spike took one look into those gleaming eyes and decided a tactic retreat was in order if he didn't want to end up at the wrong end of a wooden stake. Grumbling under his breath about not being allowed to have some fun, he ambled away.

Riley wiped his face again before he heaved himself up, ignoring his pounding head. He glared at his attacker. "As much fun as it is listening to your banter-" Before he was able to finish his sentence, he found himself back on the ground, and his nose had started dripping again.

"Don't. Get. Up," Angel warned, his voice a growl.

"You don't order me-"

"Stay down," the vampire hissed, "or I'm going to show you what kind of damage I'm capable of. You don't want to try me, boy."

"I'm not your boy."

"No, you're a man, which makes this so much worse."

"You have no idea what you're talking about." Riley raised his upper body and glared up at Angel.

Angel stared at him, hard. "Instead of wallowing in self-pity you should support your actual girlfriend." He muttered something under his breath, but Riley couldn't hear what it was.

"You self-righteous bastard, you have no idea what it's like."

The vampire took a threatening step towards him, and Riley found himself involuntarily shrinking away. "What?" Angel growled. "Holding her? Being with her? Loving her? Believe me, I know."

"Still, you left her."

"Because I wanted her to have a life. But looking at you right now," Angel's eyes flickered to the blood that had dried on Riley's arm where the vampire had bitten him, "I'm not so sure she wouldn't have been better off with me after all. At least she wouldn't have to worry about her boyfriend being more concerned about himself than supporting the woman he claims to love when she needs him."

Riley didn't know why, but he heard himself laugh. "You really don't have the slightest idea what you're talking about, vampire. Do you know when her mother was diagnosed with a brain tumor, my so called girlfriend didn't even think I needed to know? It was Spike who finally told me what was going on. Spike." He laughed again, even though he felt as if he heart was ripped from his chest.

Angel shook his head in disbelief. "What, you want me to feel sorry for you now? Poor little Riley Finn, not important enough to be on her mind 24/7. Sorry, pal, wrong address. If you were the man to deserve her, you'd make it your business to know what's going on in her life. But no. Instead you're letting vampire whores suck your blood to … what? Feel needed?"

Riley stared right into the other man's eyes. "You're a vampire. You know what it's like. Don't tell me you don't enjoy a little blood-play."

Angel's face morphed back into his human form, but instantly contorted in disgust, "You're sick. You really need help."

"What I need is for you to disappear." Not that he actually thought Angel leaving would solve any of his problems, but he still wanted the vampire gone as soon as possible. "Why did you come in the first place?"

"Because, unlike you, I make it my business to know what's going on around here." With a last disgusted look, the vampire disappeared in the night, while Riley was left sitting on the ground, wiping his nose.

Part Two

Spike was bored. It was the Slayer's fault, really. And her boy toy's, of course, but that went without saying. Slightly oversized Iowa white bread, a.k.a. Riley Finn, who thought letting vampire whores suck his blood was such a big turn on. God, what a bloody loser.

Spike took a deep drag from his cigarette and sighed, staring into his glass of o-pos. Willie was busy wiping the counter while overhearing whatever possible. Selling information still paid, Spike should know. Still, it was a bleeding shame that William the Bloody was reduced to hand-outs from slightly stuffy watchers and blonde goody two shoes. And all because of that damned chip, damn it all to hell.

So, he was bored. Out of his mind. Yeah, okay, watching Angel beat up soldier boy had given him a little happy, but he would've so much preferred to do that himself. But wreaking havoc wasn't part of his every day routine anymore. Thanks to said Riley Finn and his commando wanna-be friends.

It was a sad state of affairs if a once feared and respected vampire was reduced to sipping pig's blood from a not so clean glass. Pig's blood. Dru would have a fit, should she ever find out. Thank God Darla wasn't around anymore. She'd give him one of her patented smirks, making him feel like the lowest of the lowest bugs. And Angelus … Yeah, his life really sucked.

And it was about to suck even more when he felt a not so soft shove from the left and a big, all too familiar body was heaved on the stool next to him, while Willie hurried over to serve the new customer.

"Wh-what a surprise," the man who smelled as if he'd just poured a whole bottle of fear over his head said with a fake smile. "A good one." Willie quickly poured a glass of the good stuff, the one Spike never got, the smile frozen on his face. "So … uh … how's life? You don't look so good, Angel. Ran into trouble?

The vampire in question merely grunted and gulped down half of the glass, leaving Spike to openly look at him. Willie was right, Angel was sporting a bruise and a trickle of blood was running down his left temple. Other than that, the vampire seemed fine. Still, it was strange.

Spike wasn't sure if he should say anything, but given the fact that Angel had chosen the spot right at his side even though the bar was empty, he felt compelled to at least acknowledge the other man's presence. "Angel," he said curtly, keeping his eyes firmly on his own glass.

Angel glanced at him with something like a sneer, before emptying the glass. Putting it down and signalling for a refill, he tossed at his neighbour, "Heard you were neutered these days."

Didn't it figure that even in L.A. they already knew of his shame? Maybe there was a global e-mail somewhere, telling everyone and their brother that Spike, once known and feared, was nothing more than a toothless puppy these days. But that Angel knew really sucked. "Yeah, so?"

The dark vampire shrugged, but didn't comment any further. For some reason that irked. Spike frowned, "You ran into a wall or what?" He passed, then added, "Don't tell me soldier-boy did that. He looked pretty out of it when I left, with all the blood dripping from his broken nose."

"A few vampires jumped me on my way over." A smirk appeared on Angel's face. It was so Angelus-like, Spike had to keep himself from sucking in a sharp breath. "Of course, Riley Finn looks a lot worse."

Salivating wasn't an option. First of all, it would make him look stupid. Combined with the chip-induced harmlessness, it would really make him a full blown loser, just like Iowa's pride and joy. But a little eagerness couldn't hurt. "So you left little white bread in the mud all by his lonesome?" He laughed, and he didn't care that it sounded giddy. "I'd really like to see what goldilocks will say when she finds out."

And that was clearly the wrong thing to say. Because just a nano-second later he had a very, very pissed off dark-haired vampire at his throat, game face and all. "You," Angel hissed through very white, very gleaming teeth, "don't say a word, understand?"

"Mmph, Mrmph," was all Spike managed in response. He didn't need air to breathe, but he sure as hell needed an open Larynx to form words.

"Say one word and you're dust!"

"Mrrrph. Mmmmph."

The hand on his windpipe loosened a little and Spike took an unneeded breath. "You got that?"

"Yeah. Sure," Spike assured him, then quickly changed the subject. "So, uh, why aren't you with her right now? Thought you'd take any chance to get, instead of hanging out in this dump."

"Hey," Willie snapped from behind the counter. "I resent that!" His outburst was followed by an apologetic smile in Angel's direction. For Spike it was like a stab right to the heart, but he didn't let it show. He might not be dangerous anymore, but he still had his attitude. Although, given the way Willie was treating him lately, there wasn't a lot left anymore.

"So," Angel asked after letting go of him completely, "what were you doing there tonight?"

Spike took a long look into those gleaming, amber eyes and decided that now was the time to tell the truth. "I was kind of … you know … following him."

A knowing look entered Angel's eyes. "Following him, huh? What is this, Spike. Now that you can't kill them, you've decided to stalk them?"

"Hey," the blond vampire cried in indignation, "I have you know I have a lot to do the day, uh, the night long. And why on earth would I stalk little soldier boy?"

"Oh, I don't know. Because you're a sick, deranged kind of vampire."

"Well, if you put it that way," Spike replied, grinning with pleasure. It had been a while since someone had insulted him. Someone who counted, that is.

With a disgusted snort, Angel turned away and looked into his glass. "I still can't believe she's actually sleeping with the guy."

Spike couldn't hurt anyone physically these days, but that didn't mean he was above torture. "They're like the easter bunnies. At it all the time. Man, that Slayer has some stamina, and …" He trailed off when he heard the low growl from beside him, and held up his hands. "Look, I'm just telling the truth here."

"Yeah, truth-guy, that's you," Angel snorted.

"Well, yeah."

"Okay, so if you're all knowing these days, why would he…" Angel trailed off, shook his head.

"Why do people do this stuff?" Spike asked right back, having no problem to guess what his grand-sire wanted to say. "And I'm not even starting on the sorry bastards doing the job for them. It's disgusting, really, selling themselves for money." He didn't even bat an eyelash saying it and mentally patted his own shoulder.

Angel didn't comment to that.

*****

"What happened?"

Buffy never stopped punching the bag, but she slowed down a little. "Where were you?" she asked, instead of answering his question.

He stepped fully into the room, closing the door on the banter between Xander and his slightly strange girlfriend. "I had to take care of something in L.A."

"Darla."

"Darla," he agreed. "At least I thought it was about her. Turns out it was just a look-alike."

This time she stopped punching and turned to face him. "One day you have to tell me the whole story."

He grinned slightly, "I will." Pausing for a moment, he shrugged off his jacket and walked over to where she was standing. "Are you gonna tell me what happened now?"

Her eyes flickered away, then back to him. "Why didn't you tell me about Riley?"

"Spike."

She sighed, then grimaced. "Spike. He really gloated about it. But that's beside the point. Why didn't *you* tell me?"

He looked uncomfortable for a moment before he straightened up. "How do you suppose I should have explained that I saw your boyfriend letting vampires suck his blood, and that he paid them for it?"

She stared at him for a long moment, then turned back to the punching bag and began pounding it once more. "Good point. Spike didn't have that problem, though."

"He hasn't got a soul either."

"True." She gave the bag two swift kicks.

"How's your Mom?"

"Dying to get home. Well, not dying dying obviously, thank God, but you know what I mean."

"Buffy - stop." His voice was soft, not commanding in any way, yet she stopped instantly, panting hard. He waited until she raised her gaze. "How is she?"

She frowned heavily, and Angel could see that she was fighting not to cry. It nearly broke his heart. Yes, she was strong, yes, she could get through almost everything - but that didn't mean that she always had to.

After a moment she took a huge breath and let it out slowly. "Weak. Afraid. But she's … still Mom."

He gave her a small smile. "That's good to know. Always remember, she's strong. She's your mother."

"Yeah," she agreed, a smile forming on her lips, too. It died after just a second. "Why did he do it, Angel? What did he need I couldn't give him?"

The vampire shrugged, "Don't ask me. I never longed for anything else."

The smile was back. "You're good for my ego, do you know that?" The smile turned sad, "You always were."

"As were you. For mine, I mean. But, seriously, I can't answer that question. Sure, I've seen that kind of thing going on over the centuries, but I never …" he shrugged and frowned a little, "really got it. From neither side, to be frank."

"You mean why just suck a little when you can have it all?"

He winced at her bluntness. "Something like that."

"I just don't believe it. Why the hell are you back again?"

Neither of them had heard the door opening, and so they were both surprised to see Riley standing in the room, glaring darkly at the vampire.

"Good to see you, too," Angel said nonchalantly.

Riley gave him another withering stare before he turned to the blonde. Not looking at the vampire, he said, "We need to talk. And why don't you get lost?"

Buffy turned away from the punching bag and from him, "No, we don't. I'm not ready to talk to you." After a pause, she said almost on an afterthought, "Angel, don't leave on my account."

The vampire crossed his arms and never took his eyes off of Riley Finn, who walked into the room, looking at the Slayer. "Too bad," Riley said, and she shot him a lookl

It was a withering glare. "I'm serious," she said. "Unless you wanna fight."

"So let's fight." Riley let go of the punching bag and followed her. "We need to have this out, Buffy, right now, even though I'd have preferred to do it without an audience."

Taking a deep breath, the Slayer turned back to him, and lifted her shoulders. "And say what? What were you thinking? How long have you been lying to me? Nothing you're saying right now is gonna make this better."

Riley seemed chagrined, but recovered quickly. He followed her and grabbed her arm. For a moment Angel considered interfering, but knew instinctively that Buffy had to do this on her own.

"I realize that," the commando told his girlfriend. "I don't expect-" He broke off, seeking for the right words, then went on, "I just need you to hear me out."

"Fine." Buffy's voice was forced, "Get your hand off of me."

Riley did as he was told, turned away from her, then back again, releasing a pent up breath in the process. "I think," he began, "when this thing started it was just some stupid immature game."

This time, Angel couldn't suppress a snort. The guy was supposed to be a demon hunter, and he thought letting vampires suck his blood for money was a game? How stupid was he?

Neither Buffy nor Riley paid any attention to him. Riley went on, "I wanted to even the score after you let Dracula bite you."

Dracula had bitten her? Angel's inner demon roared in outrage.

"I didn't let Dracula -," the Buffy shot back, clearly upset.

"I know," Riley interrupted her. "On some level I know that, but I was still spun." He shook his head, "I don't know. I wanted to know what you felt, wanted to know why Dracula and Angel have so much power over you."

Her eyes wide with shock and disbelief, she merely whispered, "You so don't get it." She turned her head to look at Angel, and their eyes met and held. No, Riley would never understand what it was about.

"I wanted to get it, Buffy," Riley returned. "I wanted to get you."

"So this is my fault?" she shot at him, now clearly upset. "Hey, gee, Buffy is so mysterious, I think I'll go out and almost die. I think I'll go and let some other-"

"This isn't your fault. It's mine," Riley assured her. "I feel like hell for what I put you through. It's just those girls-"

"Vampires. Killers," Buffy interrupted angrily.

"They made me feel something, Buffy. Something, I didn't even know I was missing until-"

"I can't," the Slayer said, looking as if she wanted to run in the worst way. "I can't hear this."

Again Riley grabbed her arm. "You need to hear this.

She pulled away, "Fine. Tell me about your whores. Tell me what on earth they were giving you what I can't."

"They needed me."

It was enough. Angel just couldn't listen to it anymore, Buffy's anger be damned. He pushed himself off of the wall and came to stand on Buffy's side. "Maybe you should go and get some help, because, boy, you're really …" The vampire shook his head.

"Angel," Buffy said on an almost resigned sigh. "Please, stay out of this."

"No," he replied, and she shot him a startled look. "No," he repeated. "I'm not going to listen to this bullshit anymore. I'm sorry, if you don't approve, but that's the way it is."

She stared at him for a moment, then a slow smile appeared on her face. "You've changed."

"Yeah," he said on an slightly embarrassed shrug. "So?"

Her smile turned into a grin, "I like it."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"I don't believe this." They both looked at Riley who was rolling his eyes.

Buffy looked chagrined. "Sorry."

"Don't apologize to him," Angel said. "He should be the one begging for forgiveness - on his knees." Yes, it sounded a little over the top, but hey, this was the guy who was living Angel's dream, the man who had what Angel wished for 24/7 and he was letting vampire whores suck his blood.

The Slayer gave him a comical look. "Thanks." She frowned and turned to her boyfriend, "So, what is this, Riley? Is this Buffy-is-to-blame time?"

Riley shot Angel an irritated look, "No. I already told you, it's my fault, but I need you to understand what was happening to me."

Buffy gazed at him for a long time. "Sorry, but no can do." She threw her hands in the air and began to pace the room, "This is just … too much, Riley. I will never understand something as twisted and … I mean, it's just ewww."

"You let Angel bite you!" he accused, trying to argue his point.

She stopped, and looked at him. "Angel was dying, Riley. And I … loved him. I couldn't just stand there and let him die. Don't you understand? I didn't just think, gee, my love-life is so boring, so why don't I liven it up a little by adding some blood-play. It was a life-and-death situation."

Her eyes were on Angel now, and his were on hers, dark, deep, full of remembered pain and heartache. They had never talked about that night in the mansion, had never brought up the subject, or that Buffy had offered her own life to save his. It just hadn't been the time then, with the Mayor's ascension looming. As soon as he was defeated, Angel left Sunnydale and so it was still between them.

Buffy had no idea what Angel was thinking, but she knew that she had never regretted her decision. Not then, not now, even though it was probably the reason she was going to lose another boyfriend. And talking about boyfriends. "Why couldn't it wait, Riley?" she asked, looking at him now. "Why did you have to bring it up tonight when the wounds are still so raw?"

The ex-commando seemed uncomfortable al of a sudden, averting his eyes by staring at his shoes. "They want me back, Buffy. The Initiative. Graham's boss offered me a job."

"What?" Buffy was staring at him, hardly able to believe her ears. This couldn't be happening.

"It's a covert-OP, somewhere in the jungle, very hush-hush, no contact with civilians."

Buffy felt as if he'd punched her right in the gut. "I see."

"No, you don't," Riley told her, agitated now. "They're leaving tonight. And I'm going with them, unless you're giving me a reason to stay." His eyes were liquid pools, pleading with her, asking for her love and forgiveness.

But there was no forgiveness in her gaze, only disbelief. "Is this an ultimatum? Because it sure as hell sounds like one and I don't like it."

"It's not. I'm just stating the facts."

After a heart-beat, she turned away. "Get out," she ordered, and Angel shifted at her side. "Not you," she clarified. "Get out, Riley. Do whatever you think you have to do. But don't expect me to feel sorry for you or to beg you to stay because you can't find a reason to stay on your own."

The door clicked when Riley closed it on the way out.

*****

"Happy now?"

The silence had been thick in the room for the past ten minutes, Buffy staring hard at the wall, while Angel did his best not to breathe to give her some privacy. He thought about leaving as well, but she hadn't asked him to and so he stayed.

He was almost glad she was talking again. Almost. To be completely happy he would've preferred her tone to be less aggressive.

"This isn't about me, Buffy."

She whirled around, "Isn't it?"

"Whoa." Angel held up both hands. "Peace, okay. When did this get about me? Because somehow I missed it." But truth was, he hadn't. He knew exactly what she was talking about and he was so not looking forward to it.

"It's always about you." Her voice was tired, and hollow. "It's been about you the moment I knocked you down that first night. I couldn't get you out of my head and I still can't. Bitch is, I can't have you because there's this pesky curse preventing you from expecting 'Perfect Happiness'. And that, believe me, really, really sucks."

He had to laugh. "Tell me about it."

"But," she turned and gazed up at him, "it's not really about the curse, is it?"

"No," he confirmed. "It was just part of the problem."

"Because you're a vampire?"

"Partly. But mainly because I … I live in the dark, I can't go into the sunlight-"

"I gave you the sunlight," she interrupted, her eyes flashing. "You destroyed the ring."

"That's not the kind of sunlight I'm talking about, Buffy. I'm talking about loving and living, about having the normal life you're so fond of."

Again silence reigned. Then Buffy exhaled a long, soft sigh. "You're right. I wanted to have a normal life. But guess what? I'm never going to have it. As much as I want to. It's never going to happen. Angel, I'm the Slayer. I'm probably going to die when I'm still considerably young. I'm tired of dreaming, I just want to live what's possible."

His gaze was sharp. "What are you saying?"

"Isn't it obvious. I don't need a normal life. But I need someone who understands and can share what I have now. You were doing that, but you left. I tried it with Riley and look where that got me. So, the question is, what are we going to do?"

"We?" Was that his voice sounding so breathless?

She shook her head angrily. "Don't play dumb, Angel. My boyfriend just left me and I seem to have a vacancy. Are you interested in the job?"

"Buffy, nothing has-"

"-changed, I know." She sighed again and ran he hand through her hair. "But it wasn't all bad after you came back from Hell. I'd rather have that instead of boyfriends who can't handle that I'm in charge and stronger than them." Her eyes twinkled, "You never had a problem with that. Why?"

He shrugged, "Why getting worked up over something you can't change anyway."

****

"I wish you wouldn't have to leave."

They were standing underneath a street lamp, right next to Angel's car and Buffy had the strangest feeling of dιjΰ vu. The car wasn't a ship, the street wasn't the docks, and they weren't even a couple right now, and still, it was like expecting to lose him to a mission all over again.

Angel looked at her for a long moment, then stepped close and pulled her in his arms, just holding her. A couple of minutes passed, then he felt his lips touching her hair. She hugged him back, pressing herself to him. After another while he spoke, "Maybe it's our destiny, Buffy."

"What? Being apart, saying good-bye all the time?"

She more felt than heard him sigh. "Hearing you say that it sounds silly. I used to believe that there was a plan somewhere out there, you know, something big, a grand scheme, something we're fighting for in the end. Now, I'm not so sure anymore." He paused, then went on after a minute, "There are days when I want to forget about everything and just be with you."

"Yeah, I have those, too." She knew the feeling so well, but she couldn't lie either. "Although, I have to admit they were few and far between lately. I was … distracted, I guess."

This time she felt and heard the chuckle, but his voice was serious when he said, "That's good, Buffy. That's what I hoped for when I left." Again he chuckled ,"Okay, so that's at least partially a lie. A part of me wanted you to cry into your pillow every night. But the other part, the bigger and grown-up part wanted you to be as normal as possible."

"Normal," she snorted. "How I hate that word. It used to be my ultimate fantasy. But I've grown out of it." She finally pulled back a little and looked up at him, her smile crooked, "I think maybe I'm ready now for a not so normal relationship with a certain dark, mysterious and sexually challenged stranger."

He smiled, "I can live with the description, except that last part."

Buffy had to grin, "Okay, so it's a little off, but it explains the problem."

"Buffy-"

"No. Don't say it. Just, don't. Go to L.A., think about it and then come back and we'll talk. Can you do that?"

Her eyes were so full of hope, even if Angel were a stronger man, he couldn't have denied her anything. Not again. "That sounds sensible." He gave her a smile, "I'm going to deal with Darla and when I'm done I'm going back and we'll talk."

Her smile was as blinding as the sun, "I'm counting on it."

Their gazes locked and held, and then he bent down and kissed her, a slow, sweet, and thorough kiss that left her breathless and slightly weak in the knees, in a way Riley's never had.

Over her head a helicopter was flying out of the woods and into the night and Buffy wondered briefly if it was Riley leaving with is covert OP. But her eyes quickly went back to the disappearing tail-lights of Angel's car until she couldn't see them anymore.

Then she turned around and with a smile on her face made her way home. Without a doubt she knew now where her future lay.

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