Disclaimer: They're not mine blah, blah, blah; so don't sue.
Distribution: you want it, take it, but tell me where it goes
Rating: see the show you can read this
Spoilers: the whole B/A-cannon, and the previous stories in these series which can be found at:
Summary: Darla comes back and Angel struggles to keep sane; for this piece Darla isn't real, she's just a dream-creation to drive Angel insane
Feedback: is begged for
Dedication: to my brother Jamie, who is in Ireland at the moment ... I envy you!
This is written in Angel's POV.
WARNING: CONTAINS ANGST!!!!!

One night she began to enter my dreams. I cannot even say exactly when and why it started, but it did. I tried to understand what happened, but couldn't find an explanation. Everything I wanted, everything I loved was laying beside me in my bed, and yet I started to enjoy her coming into my dreams. First I thought it was some sick dreamscape but soon I realised it was my demon raising it's ugly head.

Buffy immediately knew something was wrong. First of all I wouldn't touch her anymore, just a quick kiss and then I rolled over and was fast asleep within seconds, diving into the demon's dreamworld. At the beginning I just saw my lover's gaze rest on mine more and more often, her eyes full of concern and confusion, later she was frowning most of the time.

Several attempts of her to talk to me I blocked out. Or was it my demon? It's as if I cannot separate us anymore. I struggled so hard to accept that we were two different beings. Me, the human soul and him, the demon. Buffy has worked hard to make me believe it, and now I have to discover that we are the same after all.

Two halves of a coin you can call us, only complete if together. The demon is a part of me as much as the soul is. I was Liam, the human with the soul, then I became Angelus, the demon without one. Today I'm Angel the demon with a soul, as ever all circles go round. And I learned that everything was a matter of balance. The soul was stronger than the demon, I believed, now the demon's head is rising more and more, feeding off the attentions Darla gives him.

But why, I asked myself, wasn't the soul strong enough to fight him. My love to Buffy is the strongest I've ever experienced in my long unlife and yet Darla's presence is enough to make us even. Is it because my conscience slips away in my dreams? Is my sub-conscious demonic? Is deep inside Darla the mate and not Buffy? But then I lost my soul when I was with Buffy, I never did with Darla. That should tell me that the feelings for Buffy are much stronger, but why, why is the demon stronger in my dreams than the soul?

That particular morning I was sitting in my office, head in my hands and thinking about last night. She had been in my, dreams again. It was as if I could hear the demon talk to her, in a silent, familiar understanding. Darla and I are bound by blood, by years, by history. I know I killed her and that she can't be real, but what I don't understand is why I keep dreaming about her, while the love of my life sleeps in my arms.

And I will never forget the demon roaring inside of me when I plunged the stake in my sire's heart. I was wounded with the bullets from her gun, but the pain was nothing against the agony the demon felt at his lover's death.

Oh god, what is happening to me?

Will I lose my soul again, what is wrong with my life that I'm not content? Do I miss anything, I asked myself, running my hands through my hair. Will I lose control, will I slip?

Sheer panic crawled up my spine, flashbacks of a rainy night, where I was laying on the pavement, the feeling when my soul was ripped off me was still present as if it had happened yesterday. And more pictures were coming, all the times I hurt and tortured Buffy, killed or threatened her friends.

My head snapped up when I heard her voice from the door and my eyes met her concerned ones. She stepped closer to the desk: "Angel?" her voice sounding soft and understanding. She kneeled down in front of me and reached out to stroke my cheek but I jerked away. How could she even contemplate touching me? A monster, a man who was dreaming about another woman while holding her in his arms.

"Angel, please tell me, what's the matter with you?" I heard her ask. Her voice was so loaded with love and concern, it brought tears to my eyes.

I took a deep breath and tried to collect myself: "I'm okay, my love," I tried to comfort her, but her eyes told me she wasn't buying it.

"Don't you trust me?," she asked. "There's nothing we cannot talk about. You can tell me everything, you know that. Angel, I'm scared. It frightens me to see you like that. I know something's wrong. You haven't touched me for about two weeks."

"I'm just tired," I tried to assure her. "Too much work, too many cases," I lied. "Maybe it's the weather too," I joked, but failed as her eyes told me immediately. But how on God's earth could I tell her that I was having dream fantasies of another woman. No, not just another woman. Darla, who had been my sire and my lover for over a hundred years. How could I explain something to her I didn't even understand myself.

And how could I tell her without facing the danger of losing her.

My deepest fear.

To be alone.

Without her.

"I cannot help you," she began again, "if you're not telling me a word. Angel, I can see it. Something's happening to you, something you cannot fight on your own. Don't cut me out. We're together, we'll fight it together."

Can't she understand, we cannot fight this together? There's nothing we can fight against. It's a part of me. The demon inside of me is rising his head more and more.

I feel dirty.

I feel unworthy.

I feel undeserving. Not clean enough to touch something as pure as her anymore.

******

The next night I took off. We came back from patrol, I kissed her goodnight and rolled to my side.

The moment I heard her even breathing beside me I slipped from the bed, pulled my clothes on and left the apartment, wandering through the tunnels the night and the following day. Walking, I kept walking, refused to close my eyes, refused feeding. If I kept walking she couldn't come to me. So stayed awake, lost all connection to time and space.

I couldn't eat. I refused to feed the demon who was trying to destroy everything I had. We had. I would, under no circumstances, let the demon win and as a result watch how he hurt her again.

And I stayed away from Buffy. Away from my friends. I knew they would be worried, but I could only keep them safe by staying away. I knew Buffy wanted to help me, I knew she'd be hurt, but this is my demon. My fate. My fight.

I could almost feel the demon and the soul struggling inside of me for control. It was as if both have left the human shell or as if I was a spectator in this fight for life and death.

And then, I don't know when it happened because I had lost any idea of time, I fell asleep and she came again. She was as I remembered her, sexy, passionate, demanding and evil. That above everything else. The demon was welcoming her, it was nothing new. But now the soul also began to feel attached in a twisted sort of way. Maybe it was a result of the food-deprivation. I didn't know when it has been the last time I've fed.

It didn't even matter anymore. My reality was more than contorted... was this still reality, I wondered? I felt as if I was floating, as if I'd lost my connection to this planet, to anything living. Colours were entering my mind, blue, white, red, green, pink. Colours of the day I hadn't seen for more than 200 years. Well, of course I have seen them, but only in an artificial sort of way. The colours in my dreams were true, natural. I haven't met Darla in my dreams for a while and it feels good, it feels safe. This is safe, this is the way I want it.

I feel nothing.

No pain, no joy. Just plain nothing.

I know I'm dying. But it feels good. It's safe.

I will not hurt her anymore. I've sworn this long ago and I'm going to keep my promise. She won't suffer again because of me.

******

I felt something running down my throat. It was warm and coppery and I realized it was blood. I tried to jerk my head away, but was to weak to fight it. I couldn't even feel my body anymore, but now the feeling came back as came my thoughts, my conscience.

No, no, I don't want this. It's too dangerous. Let me go, I wanted to cry but no word escaped my mouth and someone was holding my head, forcing me to feed. I was still too weak to understand what was happening and I felt myself slipping away into peaceful slumber. She wasn't coming again. I haven't met her for a while now in my dreams. Or at least I think so. Because I've lost time, I can't be sure.

******

I returned into reality by feeling that I was laying on something soft. My bed, it entered my mind and my eyes snapped open. It was dark, but I immediately knew it was my bedroom. Slowly I moved my head and saw her sitting on a chair. A smile crept across my face. She had fallen asleep.

I frowned and tried to remember what happened, I knew there had been Darla, but at the moment she seemed like a horrible nightmare and not real anymore. She has ruled my mind, but it's gone now. I still heard the demon inside of me, but it's dormant. I tried to speak but failed, so I cleared my throat.

Buffy head jerked up as if someone had beaten her. "Angel," she looked at me with wide eyes which immediately filled with tears. She stood up and kneeled on the bed beside me. Reaching out with her hand she stroked my face: "Angel," she whispered brokenly.

"Wh-What happened?," I hardly recognized my voice. It sounded so strange.

"You remember the bunch of vamps we were fighting one night?," she asked and when I nodded she continued: "It seems they were sent by a demon, who was eager to take over the city. You were in his way, so while fighting one of the vamps injected something into you. A drug in the widest sense."

"I-I was having ... dreams," I ran a hand through my hair.

"What dreams?" she asked softly.

Averting my eyes I answered slowly: "About ... about Darla."

"Oh Angel," she took my hands in hers and squeezed them. Then she took a deep breath: "You disappeared four weeks ago. We couldn't find you anywhere. Ten days ago we found you. Actually Xander did."

I looked at her and saw a smile on her beautiful face: "Yes, I knew it would catch your attention," she joked. "We searched the sewer tunnels and then Xander found you or what was left of you. Be glad you can't see your reflection. You still look horrible although it's nothing compared to how you looked ten days ago. I never thought a vampire could starve to death, but you obviously tried."

"I ... I was afraid to ... to slip," I finally admitted, my voice hoarse and only barely a whisper. "I couldn't ... I never want ...," I couldn't find the words.

"So you dreamt about Darla," she said after a while. "What exactly?"

Averting my eyes again, I struggled with the words, too afraid to see the rejection in her eyes, to see disgust: "It's difficult to explain," I took an unnecessary breath, "she ... there were sexual dreams, I ... the demon ... we ... wanted her ... I couldn't fight it. I tried," my voice broke. "I'm sorry."

She took my head between her palms and forced me to look at her: "The drugs did this, Angel. It wasn't real, you couldn't fight it. I fought the demon, because it came after me too, and finally it told us. Giles and Wesley researched non-stop until they found the antidote." Then she looked to the ground: "What I don't understand though. Why couldn't you tell me? Why didn't you trust me?" I heart the hurt in her voice and I think I've never felt so ashamed in my life, because she's right. I should've trusted her and our feelings for each other.

"I was afraid," I said after a while. "I thought I would lose my soul again, and I couldn't let it happen. I will never hurt you again." My voice broke again and I felt tears slipping from my eyes. "I'm so sorry. I understand if you want to stay away from me."

"Stay away from you," she echoed. But she smiled through her tears: "You're such an idiot. I love you. I love you so much. I would never leave you. Angelus couldn't make me stop loving you, hell couldn't stop you. We've been through so much, how can you even think this would be able to break us apart?"

God, how I loved this woman. How could someone like me be so blessed? Suddenly I had to laugh, who was I to doubt fate. Fate was it what brought us together, and maybe it's to be that way.

I took her hand to my lips and kissed it. "I love you," I murmured into her palm.

Her other hand caressed my cheek: "I know," she said softly. "You almost starved yourself to death to protect me," she laughed. "It was very foolish, but I know you did it because you wanted to protect me. But please Angel, we belong together, don't try to protect me again. Trust me and we'll fight together."

"How did I ever earn you?," I asked in wonder.

"You didn't earn me," she replied with a smile. "It's love that brought us together and love never asks why. I love you Angel. I will always love you. You cannot escape me, even if you try," she joked.

"God, how I love you," I groaned and pulled her into my arms. I could feel I was still weak, but I needed to hold her, to feel her, to make her real. I could feel her heart beating against my still chest. I could feel her breath on my skin, her warmth against my cold.

Have there ever been lovers more different than we? But somehow it seems to fit, somehow we melt into each other.

I closed my eyes. Darla wasn't real, although it felt real. It was a drug. It's a scaring thought, that it was so easy to do this to me.

But then I felt the woman in my arms again, my love, my reality, my angel. It was almost as if I could feel the love for me inside of her, as if I could just reach out and touch it, so strong was the feeling. And somehow I suddenly felt this was enough, it would keep us going, keep us together. I knew each day would be a fight, but it was worth fighting for.

We made it through all this, we're still there, laying in each others arms. We conquered it, or better she did. She fought for me and didn't give up. It was exactly what I would've done for her if the roles had been reversed.

I kissed the top of her head and she looked up: "We're strong Angel," she said. "Together we're strong." She snuggled deeper to my chest and I tightened my embrace. Laying back on the bed I pulled her with me and before sleep overwhelmed me I knew it. She was right.

Now, what do you think??? This was my way to deal with Darla, because I still think it's kinda unreal all the resurrection thingy. I mean, come on, Angel staked her in the Bronze and then three (or almost four) years later someone miraculously collected her ashes ... talk about strange! Oh, well, tell me what you think anyway? Feedback me!

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