Disclaimer: I do *so* not own them - unfortunately. If I'd own them Buffy and Angel would be off for their honeymoon!
Spoilers: the whole B/A-thing, but IWRY in particular for that story and the previous parts of the series called "Hidden Words", "Hidden Away", "Hidden Friends", "Hidden Truth" and "Hidden Demons".
Timeline: A week after "Hidden Demons"
Dedication: to all my lovely feedbackers and to Sara-Lee, Ryan, Taylor and Emma in particular! Thanks for all your support!!!

Angel wasn't sure if it was the right time to bring up that particular subject. Buffy was still raw from their visit to Sunnydale and the meeting with Giles and Willow. It had gone well, the former vampire thought, at least better than he'd expected. There had been no shouting after all. And that was good, wasn't it? Buffy's relationship to her watcher and the witch wasn't back to normal yet but it had been a first step and for a start she'd stopped avoiding their names when talking about Sunnydale.

The fact that he'd hidden something from Buffy too was heavy on Angel's conscience even when it was done for her sake. But hadn't Giles and Willow used that term too?

Angel sighed inwardly and measured coffee for the machine. He'd been up early, slipping silently from the bedroom not to awake the slayer. Buffy wasn't much for getting up in the morning, she usually was grumpy. He had to smile, she was so cute when she was like that. And the thing she needed then was coffee. Strong, black and hot.

He almost jumped out of his skin when suddenly two arms crept around his waist. The spoon he had been holding clattered down," Buffy!," he yelled.

She giggled against his back but didn't let go of him, "Sorry," she said, her voice sounding anything but. "Where have you been?," she asked curiously.

"I was thinking about the way you look when you're waking up," he informed her and turned around to look into her hazel eyes.

She grimaced, "I wanted to say 'that's so sweet of you', but on a second thought I rewind that. Buffy and morning don't mix."

He grinned and leaned down to kiss her gently on the lips, "Hmmm," he made and licked his lips straightening up again and turning back to the coffee machine. "You taste good in the morning."

"Toothpaste with mint flavour," she said with a smile and hopped on the counter, her legs dangling in the air. "Coffee, very good."

"You have to wait another five minutes," he replied and pressed the button to start the machine.

"Good." She reached out and pulled him over to her. There was something to say about slayer strength. Came in handy for several occasions, she thought. "Now, what could we do in five minutes?," she grinned at him suggestively.

"Besides the fact that we did it tonight," he said, pulling her closer so that he was now standing between her legs, "I'm not really up to publicity." Nibbling at her ear he whispered, "It's almsot ten. Cordelia will be there in about five minutes."

"She ... might ... be late," she moaned.

"No," he trailed kisses down her neck, "not today."

"Why ... uh ... not?" She closed her eyes, savouring the feeling of his lips on her skin.

"Because," he cleared his throat and pulled back, smiling at her sheepishly, "she called just ten minutes ago to tell me she and Gunn were on their way. So ... as much as I'd like to continue this," he said and then looked pointedly at her outfit. All she was wearing were her panties and one of Angel's shirts that covered her down to midtight.

"Uh," with a panicked look in her eyes she jumped off of the counter, "I'll be back when the coffee is through," she shouted and was already half-way up the stairs.

****

He had been dreading this moment the whole day, hell, he'd been dreading this conversation for years. But he knew he couldn't let it be forever and this evening was as good as any other. Switching off the light in his office he walked into the lobby to find Buffy there sitting on one of the huge leather sofas flipping through a magazine. She'd been busy hunting a sewer demon with Faith the whole day but didn't look exhausted.

"Do you want something to drink?," he asked and when she shook her head he took a seat opposite to her. He saw her frown a little at that. Usually he would sit beside her and she would snuggle to him. But not tonight, he told himself firmly. He didn't want her to be distracted or distract him which was more likely. She liked to distract him whenever he began to talk seriously, he thought with an inward smile and usually they would end up making love, but not this time.

"I sense something here," she said after a moment and put the magazine down, a touch of worry entering her eyes. "Is something wrong?"

"Wrong?," he quickly glanced at her but then averted his eyes. "No, not really wrong." God, he was nervous. It was a good thing he'd had centuries of practice to hide feelings like these, otherwise he'd be fidgeting helplessly with his shirt. As it was he just avoided looking at her but seemed relaxed on the outside or at least hoped he was.

"You're different tonight," she remarked and was about to come over to him, but he held up a hand.

"No, please stay there." Taking a deep breath he continued, "There's ... you're right," he rubbed his forehead with one hand, then entwined both hands in his lap. "I'm not sure how to begin," he looked up at her and gave her a sheepish smile.

"Well, how about just telling me," she suggested and crossed her legs under herself. There was impatience and concern in her voice, "Angel, you frighten me. Please, is something wrong? Are you ill or ..."

"No," he interrupted her quickly. "No, I'm not ill. It's nothing like that." Damn, he was over two centuries old and was handling the situation worse than a schoolboy, telling his mom he'd kicked a ball through the neighbours window. "Do you remember when you were in L.A?"

"What time? I've been here once or twice you know?," she tried to joke, but worry made her voice sound strained. "I even grew up here."

"Thanksgiving," he told her. "You know when I came to Sunnydale and then after...,"

"You mean when you were stalking me in Sunnydale?," when she saw him wince, she added, "sorry. I didn't..."

"No, it's okay. Yes, exactly then. You came to L.A. and we talked to each other."

"You killed the Mohra demon and I left. Angel, I know that," she shot him an irritated look. "I don't understand why you're telling me that now."

"Because what you remember is only the cut version of what really happened or more un-really for that matter." There he'd said it. At least the first part.

"What do you mean?," she narrowed her eyes and glanced at him suspiciously. "The cut version?"

"The first time," he rubbed his neck and stood up. He needed to move, he couldn't sit still and talk about it.

"There was a first time?"

"Yes," he stopped and looked at her, "Look, Buffy, it's a rather complicated story. It's probably the best you just let me tell it and then you can ask whatever you want."

After a short moment she nodded, "Well then tell me!" She leaned back, gazing at him expectantly.

"Alright," he continued talking and began to pace. "It was all as you remember it until the Mohra demon jumped through the window. The first time I didn't kill it, because I didn't know how. It escaped and we both followed it through the sewers. We weren't sure where it had gone so we parted. It seemed the best also because the situation between us two was tense." He stopped, looked at her and when he saw her listening attentively, he sat down again and went on.

"So you went up into the daylight and I stayed underground. I found the demon or more exactly it found me, we fought and it scratched my skin. Then I killed it or so I thought and some of it's blood mixed with mine. I fell to the ground and the next thing I felt was a pulse."

He saw her surprised expression and let out a short laugh, "Exactly my feelings. I went back to the office and Doyle and I found out that the blood of a Mohra-demon is special. It's regenerative and it made me human."

Buffy let out a gasp and stared at him. It sounded like a fairytale and yet he was serious and obviously very nervous. She sensed there was more to come and somehow she had a feeling she wasn't going to like it. "Go on," she said with a nod.

"Yes," he nodded and leaned back, "Well, I went to the Oracles and they told me it was real. That I was released from my duty and could live as a normal human being from now on. I was confused, but then Doyle asked me what I wanted and suddenly I knew. So I went to see you and we ... well," he looked at her pointedly.

"Oh," she blushed slightly and then asked, "But why can't I remember that?"

"I'll come to that. We were a bit hesitant at the beginning, not sure what to do. We even decided to take things slow, but then our hands touched and ...," he trailed off and was silent for a moment. Clearing his throat he went on, "we spent the day together in my apartment." He locked his eyes with hers, "it was perfect, it was all I'd ever dreamed about. But then Doyle came down and told me the Morah demon wasn't really dead. It had regenerated itself, so I went off with him to finally kill it for real."

"B .. but you were human, how ..?"

"Good question. And thinking back to it, I should've listened to Doyle. He said I should wake you, but I ... I couldn't. You were sleeping so peacefully and besides ...," he shrugged, "well, I wanted to prove to you that I could be more than just a nuissance. So I went to fight it and it almost killed me. But then you came and saved my life."

"I see," she just said and looked at him steadily, her eyes clearly demanding to hear the whole story. God, please let her understand he prayed silently.

"I went to the Oracles again. They speak or better spoke for the Powers That Be. Before it died the Mohra had said something like 'together you are strong, alone you are dead' and I had to know what it meant. And they told me that you would die if I stayed human, so I asked them to turn me back. They said they couldn't do it, but then they offered the possibility to swollow 24 hours and I was the only one to remember."

When she didn't react he went on, "I came back and told you what was going to happen. You were crying, but you said you'd understand and then you asked how you were meant to go on knowing what we could've had. It was the moment I knew it was right. I didn't want you to carry the burden."

"And so you decided to carry it alone, right?," she shot back, barely hidden anger evident in her voice.

He looked steadily at her, "Yes. I did. I decided for you, because there was no other chance. This was about your life Buffy. And I would do ..."

"Stop," she shouted and jumped up. "Don't.," she held her arms in front of her when she saw him getting up as well and approaching her. "Don't you dare touching me. This was ten years ago. We could've had ten years," her voice was trembling as was her whole body by now.

"Buffy, didn't you listen. You probably would've died," he said, wishing her to understand.

"But you didn't know that for certain," she shouted again. "Maybe they lied to you."

"No, Buffy ..."

She went on as if she hadn't heard him, her eyes not focussed on anything, "Ten years, Angel. You just gave it away. Did it mean so little to you?," now her accusing gaze rested on him.

"Oh God, Buffy," he whispered, trying to find the words, "how can you say that? It meant everything to me! Everything!"

"Oh sure," she replied sarcastically. "It meant so much, you didn't even think about asking me first." Tears were running down her cheeks. Tears caused by anger, frustration and hurt. "You did what you've always done, Angel. You decided what's best for poor little Buffy. You're all rotten bastards, you, Willow, Giles, Xander. And you know what? You can go to hell!" With this she spun around and was out of the door faster than he could react.

After a heartbeat Angel was after her, but he had no chance. With her slayer speed he lost her at the second corner. She disappeared into the night leaving Angel heartbroken and desperate.

****

Granted he was accustomed to guilt and brooding but this was more than he'd ever experienced, because it was about Buffy. The disappointment and the disgust in her eyes were like permanent pokers right through his heart.

He was cursing himself for not just forgetting about the whole thing, for causing her pain, only to take a burden from his conscience. But no, he told himself immediately. This was different, this was about trust and bringing everything out in the open, something that had to be done before they could even think about a future together. A future that they might not have after all.

He rubbed his face with a trembling hand, glancing at the clock for the hundreth time that night. She hadn't come home. It was almost morning and not a word from her. It tore his heart out thinking she was somewhere out there crying and feeling miserable. All he wanted was to take her in his arms and make the pain go away, but he didn't even know where she was exactly. He would wait another hour and then he would inform his friends. Or maybe he would wait two.

***

Cordelia found him when she entered the hotel. His upper body was slumped over his desk, some files spread over the floor. "Oh God," she exclaimed and his head shot up.

His lids were heavy and in his head someone seemed to pound against his skull. Blinking away sleep he tried to focus on the brunette who was standing in the doorway staring at him, "Cordelia?"

"Yes, Cordelia," she echoed and put her hands on her hips. "What on earth has happened here?"

"W-what time is it? Buffy...," he struggled to get up. Being human was a real nuissance sometimes.

"What about Buffy?," the former cheerleader wanted to know.

"We ...," he rubbed his face with a hand, absentminededly realising he needed to shave, "I told her about the day the Oracles turned back."

"I see," Cordelia nodded. "And she didn't take it to well, right?"

"No, she didn't," he replied. "Did she come back? Have you seen her?"

"No," the former mayqueen shook her head. "She's not around, maybe upstairs," she offered, trying to sound positive.

"No Buffy," Faith entered the office with a shrug, "I was eavesdropping," she told the two others. "She isn't in your room."

"God, I messed this up," Angel fell back on his chair and pressed thumb and forefinger on his eyes. "If something happens to her ..."

"Angel, it's daylight outside. And she's a slayer she can look out for herself," Faith reminded him.

"Not if she's not paying attention. She was very upset when she took off."

"We'll all look for her, Angel," Faith laid a comforting hand on his arm. "How about I go now?" Smiling at him she left the office.

"And I'm going to call Kate," Cordelia turned. "We're going to find her, Angel. Don't worry," she said over her shoulder.

****

Although everyone did their best Buffy kept hidden. They searched for her everywhere, but nothing. Four days after she'd run from the hotel Angel was ready to climb up the walls or to shout. Two days later he was about to give up. There was no report of a young blonde hurt or killed and Angel didn't actually expect her to be. She was the slayer after all, paying attention or not. So he had to start to get used to the idea that she didn't want to be with him anymore and that was more he could handle. Not now, not when they had a real chance. God, this couldn't be real.

He hadn't slept well the last nights and it had taken its toll. He'd lost weight and his face looked worn. He wouldn't go that far to say he looked every day of his age, he was more than 250 years old after all, but he certainly looked older than usual. He was dead tired and not really surprised that he fell asleep the moment his head touched the pillow.

****

It was a stormy, rainy night when Cordelia woke up from a pounding at her front door. Under normal circumstances she would've ignored it, especially now that Gunn was out of town for two days working at a case, but Buffy was still missing and so she decided she should at least look. Expecting a drunken Angel or something like that she could only stare at theblonde in front of her door looking more like a drowned rat than a slayer.

"Cordy," she said in a little voice. "I - I'm sorry," she stuttered, her body shaking like a leaf, her lips blue from the cold. "It ... it's raining outside and I didn't know where to go."

Snapping out of her daze, the former cheerleader reached out and pulled the wet girl into her apartment, "Come in," she said and closed the door. "You need a hot shower first and then you tell me what happened. We're all worried sick."

"S-sure," Buffy replied and let Cordelia push her into the bathroom.

*

Stepping out of the shower she smiled at the bathrobe the former cheerleader had deposed for her and the towel she used for her hair. Wrapping herself in it, she left the bathroom and joined Cordelia in the living-room where the former mayqueen had a steaming cup of chocolate waiting for her. With a greateful look Buffy took the cup and then sat down on a large seat.

For a while they didn't say anything, then Cordelia spoke up, "So tell me?," she demanded. "We were searching the whole town for you. Where have you been?"

"In a hotel. Fortunately I had my purse in my trousers when I took off," she replied, sipping from her mug. "But I ran out of money tonight."

"And why didn't you just go back to Angel?"

"You must be kidding, Cordy. Do you know what he did to me? He betrayed me," her voice was rising. "Just like Giles and Willow and Xander. This is even worse. He could've been with me. We could've been happy together and he decided it wasn't worth a try and of course he dedided it without even asking me." Putting her mug down she crossed her arms in front of her chest, sending Cordelia a challenging look not to dare to deny it.

But the former cheerleader had never been one to back down. And she wouldn't begin now. And certainly not when she was needed to defend the best friend she'd ever had. "You're such a selfish bitch," she said after a moment of silence. "Oh, don't look at me that way. Did you for one minute ask yourself how it was for him? He never told me, by the way. He told Doyle and Doyle told me, but not the whole story."

"So you knew!," there was even more accusation in Buffy's voice now.

"Oh, stop that!," Cordelia shouted. "Okay so he didn't tell you. Fine! But did you think about what he gave up for you? What he did for you! If he was the same selfish bastard you are, he would've celebrated it and gone on with his life. But no, of course he was all noble, and put your sake over his own. He bargained his life for yours. Do you understand that!" With a snort at the slayer the brunette stood up, "He was like a zombie after that. He gave up all he ever dreamed of and he gave it up for you. And all you can do is throw it right into his face, treat him as if he'd done something horrible to you. How could you?!," she accused the blonde.

"You should've seen him the past six days. He was like a shadow walking around the office, while you were pitying yourself. God, I really wish he'd never met you." She wanted to say more but stopped when she saw tears and a trembling hand over the slayer's mouth.

"Oh, Cordy," Buffy whispered. "You're right."

"You know, I ... I what? Did you just say, I was right?"

As a reply the slayer nodded, "You are." Angrily she wiped the tears from her cheeks, "I was a bitch. But all I could think was that he kept something from me as well."

"I really hate you," Cordelia gave her a small smile. "I wanted to shout at you for a while for all you've put him through and now," shaking her head she walked over to the slayer and took one of her hands, squeezing it, "I feel the need to comfort you. God, you two stupid children."  She laughed. "He could be mygreat-great-great ... oh whatever, but you both are impossible. Can't you just go and live happily ever after. Just for a while, please. I really don't need this kind of exictement. And Angel doesn't need it either, that's for certain."

"God, I'm so sorry," Buffy whispered, taking an unsteady breath. "I have to see him." She began looking around for her clothes.

"I put them into the dryer," Cordelia informed her following the slayer's eyes. "But I can give you some of mine, if you want. I'd say wait until morning, but somehow I have the feeling the sooner the better." Giving Buffy a genuine smile,"Go on, put him out of that misery."

***

Angel rubbed his eyes wandering through the lobby of the Hyperion hotel in the middle of the night. Although he was tired he'd only slept for two hours. There was no way getting Buffy out of his mind. At the moment he didn't really care anymore if she would ever talk to him again. All he wanted to know was that she was okay. It seemed that even now as a human all he could do was hurting her. Maybe it would've been better he'd never gone back to Sunnydale. She'd be married by now with a good guy like Brian and happy.

But no, he had to act all selfish and go to her. Would he ever learn, he wondered.

He whirled around when he heard a knocking noise at the entrance of the hotel. No, oh God, please no, was all he could think. Don't let her be hurt. Police officers came at night to tell relatives ... shaking his head Angel walked over to the door, opened it and froze.

There she was. After almost a whole week she was standing right in front of him. She looked as if she'd been crying recently, but the anger was gone from her eyes.

"Buffy."

"Angel," they said simultaneously.

"Come in," he stepped back to let her enter and she did it without hesitation. Was it a good sign? Or did she just come to get ther things? God, please no!

"You look tired," she said after a moment, then turned and stared at him.

"I wasn't sleeping well," he replied. Angel, you're an idiot, he scolded himself. I wasn't sleeping well, what nonsense. "Are you alright?," he asked.

"Yes," she nodded and continued staring at him.

"Buffy, I ... I'm so sorry, I know you're angry with me, probably hate me, and I can't do anything to ..."

"No," she interrupted him. "I was angry alright, but not anymore." A hint of a smile crossed her lips. "And I'm sorry too." And then she broke down. A sob escaped her throat and she was in his arms in a second, throwing her arms around his neck, sobbing how sorry she was over and over again. All he could do was holding her and whispering comforting words in her ear. They clung to each other and Angel managed somehow to direct her over to the sofa and sat down with her on his lap. There he held her for what seemed like an eternity.

When they finally pulled back from each other both their faces were wet with tears, their eyes puffy but they were smiling.

Buffy was the first to speak, "I hated you when you told me about what you did, you know. Well, not really hated you," she amended, "but ... but I thought you'd done the same as Willow and Giles. That's probably my only excuse. But Cordy set my head right tonight. She yelled at me. She loves you, did you know that?" She grinned when she said it.

"She tells me I'm annoying her most of the time, to broody," he grinned as well now.

"I love you Angel," Buffy said after a moment of silence. "And I'm sorry I just ran off. Somehow ... I dunno ... I freaked." She shook her head and leaned against his chest, using his shoulder as a pillow.

Softly stroking her hair he replied, "I love you too. I thought I'd lost you," his voice was hoarse with emotion when he planted a kiss on her skull. "Please don't scare me like that again."

"Promise," she said without hesitation. "I would've given my life for you too, you know," she told him. "Maybe it was part of the reason I was so angry, that you got to do it for me. I'm the slayer after all, I'm here to protect people, not the other way round."

"You already did," he reminded her. "You saved my life by offering yours or did you forget?"

"No," she shook her head and with a smile pushed her hair back, showing him the scar that was barely visible now. "How could I. It was the moment I thought I was finally truly becoming yours. It was incredible and I began to understand how a childe felt for his sire."

His body trembled with emotion when he pulled her close, holding her so tight, she had problems to breathe properly for a moment. "We never talked about it, did we?"

"No," she said against his chest. "And then you just left."

"I know. It was one of the hardest things I ever did," he replied.

Buffy sighed and snuggled deeper into his arms, "Love really hurts sometimes."

"It does, but it's worth it. I'd die for you in an instant. There's nothing more important in the world for me than you." He planted another kiss on her head, then placed his chin there.

"The same here," she kissed his Adam's apple. "Let's get married Angel. I think
it's time."

Surprised he pushed her a little bit away from him to look into her eyes, "You think?"

"Yes," she nodded. "Definitely. I love you. I want you to be my husband. Do you
want to be my husband too?"

Tightening his embrace again, his voice was full of emotion when he answered, "Yes, oh yes, Buffy. It's all I ever wanted. Let's get married."

"How about tomorrow?"

He had to laugh at that. "If you want."

"I don't want to wait, Angel. Let's not waste anymore time."

"We have to wait for some days, until I get a licence. Cordelia would never forgive me if we'd get married without her," he said.

"And here I thought we could just elope to Vegas," she sighed dramatically. "But I see that you're right. It's a deal then?" She looked up at him, smiling.

"Deal," he replied and sealed it with a long, passionate kiss.

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