Disclaimer: oh please, as if I even want to own them these days
"Cordy called me." I need to break this silence somehow. We've been sitting here
for what seems for hours. It was only thirty minutes. I used to be glad to just
sit beside him. One of the best parts of our relationship was that we didn't need
words to communicate, that we were content just being together. Especially after
he came back from Hell. Being together was something that wasn't forbidden, that
didn't qualify as bad. But now I suddenly discover that silence can be
disturbing.
I turn my head and look at his profile that seems to be made of stone tonight.
Angel is a vampire and by all means he should look as he always did, and maybe
it's just my imagination, but I'm sure I see lines around his eyes that weren't
there last time we saw each other. It's been only months, but it seems like a
lifetime ago. I was still innocent then. I never thought I'd say that, after what
I've been through, after dying and coming back. But I was. Now I'm not. Not
anymore. Spike and all the things we did together have taken away these last
remains of innocence. Sometimes I wish it back, but am aware that it isn't
possible.
When Angel doesn't say anything, I sigh inwardly. This is even worse than I
thought. But then, what do I know. I lost my mother, I lost my lover, and it was
the worst that ever happened to me. To send Angel to Hell, to find my mother's
dead body
But I never lost my son. Mom once told me that there was nothing more
powerful than the love of a mother to her child. I was only fifteen then, and I
soon forgot about it. But I remember now.
When Cordy called me my first reaction was disbelief. When she told me Angel
needed me, I started to laugh. And when I couldn't stop, when it became
hysterical, when I even started to sob, she yelled at me. I never thought Cordy
could yell like that. So in the end I listened. She told me that Angel was going
through a rough spot. That he was retreating from everyone and everything. When I
dared to ask why she thought I could help, she became quiet, and after a short
moment, she said, "There's nobody else left."
Wow, it was always my dream to be the last choice.
But I still asked her what exactly the rough spot was. That's when she told me
that Angel's son was gone. A son I never knew about in the first place. Cordy
told me about Angel's downward spiral, about Darla, about the vampire's
pregnancy, and about Angel's joy when the child was finally born. How much the
baby meant to him.
All the time I listened as if I was watching a soap opera. As if nothing she said
could touch me. It should touch me deeply, I know, but doesn't. Angel has a son
with another woman, and I know another Buffy would have had a jealous fit. This
Buffy, though, didn't. She's too busy trying to get her own life back on track,
too busy trying to understand what's become of her. This Buffy has no right to
point at others.
I know it's nothing unusual to make a bad choice. A lot of women sleep with the
wrong men. It happens. Every day, every hour.
I know people can slip into a bad situation, something they feel they can't
manage. And certainly, coming back from heaven should qualify as a difficult
situation. When I told Tara about Spike, she didn't condemn me. But Tara isn't
the condemning type to begin with. And she didn't need to. I already knew what I
had done.
The problem is, I didn't just go and fuck the wrong man. I went out and fucked a
soulless demon. Someone who has killed hundreds of people and doesn't even care.
Who is proud to be what he is. Who thinks back on his victims with a smile on his
face. I fucked him and felt good. And that's the worst part. That I actually
enjoyed doing it. I wonder what this makes me. I wonder if I'm still Buffy.
I look at Angel again and try to understand why I came at all. Angel and I used
to be so close, we used to be able to communicate without words. We are sitting
next to each other now, but we've never been more apart. Except the one short
moment when I came he hasn't acknowledged my presence. He hasn't said a word. He
hasn't made a single move to touch me. He just stares at the sky. His eyes are
dry, his face unmoving, his hands resting on his thighs.
I should have told Cordy that I was the wrong person to call. That I was too
screwed up myself for this. How am I supposed to help when I still don't really
know how to help myself?
Riley's visit helped - as strange as it sounds. I always felt guilty for letting
him down. He was so angry when he left, and I hated myself for doing that to him.
But to see him with Sam, too see he was happy, it made me feel better. I always
knew he would be a great guy with the right woman, and I'm glad I wasn't wrong.
But more importantly he made me see something. He made me see that I don't need
Spike to be me. I realise now that I used Spike like a crutch because it was too
hard to be me. Because I didn't want to be me. And it was easy to use Spike,
because he was a demon, because I knew he didn't have a soul I could hurt in the
process. Of course I was kidding myself, telling me that his love wasn't real. I
should have known better. I hurt Spike. And I don't like it.
Angel still hasn't moved. And I still don't know how to reach him. I remember
when he came to my mom's funeral, when slipping my hand into his seemed the most
natural thing in this world. When his embrace helped me to live through the worst
night of my life. We hadn't seen each other for over a year then, but it didn't
matter. It seemed as if time was just fading away.
So why doesn't it happen now? When the man beside me is hurting in a way I cannot
even imagine. Why can I not just reach out and touch? Why does is seem so
difficult to speak? He just took me in my arms that night and everything seemed a
little less dark. Why am I not able to do the same for him? He'd just come out of
his own downward spiral, and yet he came and was there for me. I didn't even have
to call him. He heard about mom's death and came. Cordy had to beg me.
"Dawn wanted to come with me," I say finally, not able to stand this silence any
longer. "But I wasn't sure
"
"How-," he starts, but his voice sounds rough like sand-paper and he has to clear
his throat first. "How is Dawn?"
"She's fine. Quite the teenager." I smile to myself, "She's fifteen."
He still stares at the moon. "Fifteen," he says wistfully. "I can't remember how
it was to be fifteen."
I want to weep as I feel my heart break for him. He sounds so lost, so empty. I
should be glad he has finally spoken, has come out of his stoic silence, but his
voice makes my stomach clench. I try to find words, but fail. Without thinking I
reach out and put my hand over his. He doesn't flinch at the touch, but he
doesn't respond to it either. I wish he would turn his hand, lace his fingers
with mine, but he doesn't. I wish he would do anything so I could help.
His skin is so cool. I know it's meant to be cool. He is a vampire after all, but
somehow, tonight, it seems even colder than usual. I used to love it when his
cool hands were on my skin. It didn't feel wrong, it felt right. It felt so
right, I couldn't imagine I would ever be able to stand the touch of a human man.
Right now, however, the memory of cool skin touching mine makes me shiver.
Riley said that it didn't touch me. That I was still standing strong and that it
didn't change who I am. And God, I wish he was right. But I know, he was wrong.
It did touch me. I can still feel Spike's hands on me. And I can feel him touch
me deep inside, and I don't mean literally. He touched my soul, and not in a good
way. I feel tainted, dirty, because in a twisted way I liked it, knowing at the
same time it was wrong. And it did change me. It shaped me in a way I wish it
never had.
I'm 21 years old and I feel like an old woman. My body might still look young,
but my soul feels ancient. No wonder Slayer's die early.
I feel hysterical laughter bubble up inside of me, but it subsides instantly.
When I was called, when Merrick told me about was goes bump in the night, I
didn't think about death. I was fifteen years old. There seemed to be nothing
more important in this world than boys, clothes, and make-up. Then Merrick came
and everything changed. I still can remember how it feels to be fifteen. It was
the last time I felt safe. The last time I felt like a normal girl.
God, what am I doing here? I really should've told Cordy this wouldn't do any
good. What Angel needs right now is someone to cheer him up, not someone who
seems as frozen as he is. Or doesn't he? For a moment I'm startled by this sudden
revelation. Can it be? Could Angel need exactly what I am? An emotionally
battered and bruised soul, a woman who has only started to take tentative steps
back to herself? His soul is battered and bruised, too. Can we maybe try to heal
each other? Is it even possible to heal?
Again I break the silence, "I
uhm
can I stay?" Suddenly realising how this
sounds, I add, "It's
past midnight, and I
well, I think the last bus is long
gone."
A long moment passes before he says, "Sure. The hotel is big enough. Just don't
take Fred's room."
"Fred?" There's a Fred I know nothing about, and I realise I hate it.
"She's a
friend." His voice is bleak, hollow, his hands are still resting on
his thighs. They haven't moved ever since.
"Thanks. I'll find a room."
He says nothing. Just continues sitting, and looking at the sky. I wonder what he
sees there. It's a strange sky tonight. Dark. Almost black. And there's a huge,
bright moon. No stars. I suppose it's due to smog, but who knows.
"Strange," I murmur. "Did you ever see a sky with a moon but without stars?" I'm
talking more to myself and am surprised when he suddenly turns his head, his
expression almost startled. I can see he's scrutinizing me before he turns away
again.
I yawn, feeling weary, and a soft pillow seems very inviting. I'm not sure I'll
be able to sleep, but I need to think. Need to decide what I'm going to do. But
before I can even decide if I've got enough energy left to get up and find a
room, his hand suddenly moves. I hold my breath, not sure what's going to happen.
Afraid he might pull away, distance himself even more.
But then his hand turns, our palms touching, before he slowly, tentatively laces
his fingers through mine.
So? What do you think? Still want more? Tell me!
Go to the next story Dawn
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Archive
Category: Angst/Drama
Pairing: B/A, mention of B/S, B/R
Rating: PG-13
Distribution: my site (http://www.never-ending-love.de),
ffnet, if you have any
of my stuff, just take it, anybody else please tell me where it goes
Spoilers: the whole Buffy-Angel-Saga, I have, however, not seen the latest
episodes (I didn't want to be spoiled for another story I was writing), but it
doesn't really matter for the story (I've heard rumours though), and you should
read the first story in the series called "Empty".
Summary: this time Buffy thinks for a change; but there's a little talking as
well < g >
Timeline: a month after Connor disappeared
Feedback: oh yes, please!!!
Dedication: This goes to Deb Nockels. She's one of those who always kept my
spirits up with her wonderful B/A-stories. Thanks, honey.
Author's Note: I am a B/A-shipper, and in my book there's only one person who
could help Angel in a situation like this. So if you are C/A or B/S, then just
turn away now. You've been warned. And if you still want to send flames - send
them on - I will forward them directly to Marti Noxon, David Greenwalt, and Joss
Wheadon for what they're taking us through with this season.
Author's Note 2: I won't go into detail, but you still might get spoiled for
season 6/3
Author's Note 3: For this story, Connor has disappeared and although the
fang-gang has tried finding a way to get him back, all has been in vain.
And once more with the author's notes: Don't worry, I will continue all the other
stories I'm currently writing. I promise. But I have the sudden urge to write
this. I can't help it. It just pours out of me and so all I can do is go with the
flow.
Author's Note 5: I have to admit, I read through a part of the transcript of "As
You Were". So reading this, you might get spoiled for the episode. But can I just
say, I hate Marti for what she did with Riley in the episode! Because she made me
like Riley! I like Riley! Gee, I'm screwed!