Hey, here is a new story to my series. I know it's been a while, but better late than never. Please send feedback: Connemara.Scarlets@t-online.de
Disclaimer: Would I write this if I owned them?
Spoilers: the whole tv-series and the pervious stories in the series which can be found at the 'Land of Denial' ( You should read them first to understand what's going on here, because this is kind of an alternate universe.
Distribution: you can take it, if you want it; just tell me where it goes
Rating: see the show, then you can read this
Summary: Buffy had to come to terms with her friends and her mom
Feedback: would make me so happy
AN: This is written in Buffy's POV

I couldn't sleep that night. After seeing Giles Angel drove us all to the mansion. We bought some take-away and after dinner we were all tired and went to bed. Even my vampire was so exhausted he almost immediately fell asleep. Funny enough if you think that vampires usually don't sleep at night.

I was tired too, but sleep wouldn't come. Giles' words were haunting me, his comments about my mom. Was she really that bad? When I left Sunnydale I was so angry with her and all the time in LA I felt I had the right to feel that way.

After all she kicked me out of my home, she told me never to come back, if I'd leave that night.

Angel was fast asleep and carefully I entangled myself from his arms and slipped out of the bed. He didn't seem to have bad dreams tonight, it almost seemed as if a smile was on his lips and it made me happy to see it. His nightmares weren't as frequent now as they had been, last week he actually had three nighmare-free nights. He insists it is because of me, if it is the truth I am glad.

I assured myself again, that he was alright and then left the room. A shiver ran down my body, it was not very warm in this old stone building, when I made my way down the stais to the hall and then out in the garden. I looked up to the sky, it was almost a full moon, I could see the stars shining brightly, it was so peaceful. I love this little garden, I haven't been here often, but I like it. I was surprised I even liked the mansion. I had been so afraid, being haunted by images of stabbing Angel, but they didn't come. Maybe because he was holding my hand all the time and his firm grip assured me that he'd come back to me.

Almost unconsciously my feet began to move while my thoughts were wandering as well. I was so glad Giles' didn't blame me and I will be eternally grateful to him for the way he treated Angel. I know the whole Jenny-thing is haunting my lover, maybe more than anything else, because it is still so fresh. I clearly remember the night, when he gained this special memory. I thought he'd kill himself.

It was about a week after Whistler had shown him to me. He woke up in the middle of the day, his eyes were wide and he was staring at me. He jumped out of the bed and fell because he was still so weak. When I wanted to help him, he flinched away shouting I shouldn't touch him. He tried to get up again and began to move when I realised he was heading for the sunlight, I tried to reason with him, but when he wouldn't listen I had to knock him out. When he woke up again, he broke down in my arms and cried for hours. How horrible it must be to have memories of things you didn't do and couldn't help to be done. I will never be able to understand him completely, but I know I can help him by just being there for him.

He refused to drink blood for two days after that incident until I made him understand I would not be able to go on without him. When I finally got him to drink he was even weaker than a week before. He can be so stubborn, I had to smile at that. Who was I to say that.

I don't know if he would have been able to deal with Giles' rejection or hate. I knew, he'd expected it, but expecting it and facing it were different things. Angel always respected Giles and for that my watcher's opinion was important to him. Xander on the other hand would not be a problem, in my lover's eyes he was just a jealous little boy, I knew nothing Xander said would really hurt him deeply.

Looking up I was not really surprised to find myself in front of my house. The whole street was empty and dark, well it was after midnight, but I could see the light in our living-room. My feet moved almost against my will, but somehow my subconsciousness wanted to go there. It was after all home, the house where my mother lived. The bond between mother and child is very strong and I was now painfully aware of that. It is a natural bond, a child should always be assured of their mother's love, maybe that was the reason I was so hurt when she kicked me out. Angel has told me again and again that her words must have been said in anger and that he was sure she never meant them, but nevertheless it left a deep scar on my soul and I am not certain it will ever heal completely.

With all our arguments and problems I still had a deep trust in my mother's affection, especially after I had been so disappointed by my father who seemed to put his business above his child. Even then my mother tried to assure me of his love because she knew how hurt I was by his behaviour. Kicking me out that night, disturbed that deep trust, wounded me deeply.

Just before I could kock on my door my consciousness knocked in and I withdrew my hand the last possible second. I stepped aside and peered into the living-room window instead. My heart clenched in my chest when I saw my mother. She was sitting on the sofa reading something, it looked like some art-catalogue. Probably a new exibition, I guessed. She looked so tired and lost, I have never seen her like that. She had heavy bags under her eyes and I could swear she's lost weight. I remembered Giles' words and it showed that she took it hard. Like a film in my head I saw pictures of my childhood, my mother rocking me in her arms, sitting by my bed when I was ill, holding me when I was upset, kissing me goodnight.

Suddenly it appeared to me how horrible it had to be to think your child had died. It must be even worse when the last words you said had been spoken in anger. Never again to have the ability to say sorry. I could understand that, after my experience with Angel I only understood her too well. I didn't even want to begin to think how I would feel if he hadn't come back.

I was wondering if I should just knock and make all her pain go away, but then I thought back to Giles' words about her not being able to face reality. No, there was no way I just could go and knock. She'd probably faint or maybe she would not be able to forgive me and it was not the time for such a confrontation. Besides I had no wish to face her without Angel by my side. I just needed his comforting hand on mine, his eyes that would tell everything would be alright. With him by my side everything would be bearable.

This thought came to me like a stroke. I had no watch and no idea how long I had been gone from the mansion. But Angel was there and what would he do if he'd wake up and find me gone. I quickly turned and ran back to Crawford street as fast as I could. Or maybe he would have another nightmare and I wasn't there to hold him. My feet ran even faster. I pushed the door open and there he was standing in front of the fire-place. When he heard the door he looked up. I saw the concern on his face and felt a pang of guilt in my heart, but I didn't tell him, instead I just smiled: "Hey, I thought you were asleep?," I said, being too afraid to hear he'd a nightmare without me by his side.

But he only smiled back: "Where have you been. I woke up and you were gone."

I stepped closer to him, grabbing his hand: "I couldn't sleep, so I went outiside. Fresh air and some thoughts," I added.

He frowned and pulled me to him: "Bad or good ones?" he wanted to know.

"Both actually," I told him. "I went to my house."

He pulled back a little bit to see my face: "Did you see your mom?"

I nodded: "I did. But I didn't talk to her. I think some time after midnight isn't really the right moment to show up from the grave." I tried to smile but he stayed serious.

"How does she look?" he asked and I had to smile inwardly. He just knows me so well. Of course he would know I'd looked through the window.

"Tired and aged somehow. Angel, I am afraid to talk to her. What if she's still angry with me about the slayer thing or if she hates me because I made her think I'd be dead..."

He stopped my ramble by pulling me to him and kissing me softly. I felt the tension leave my body. He broke the kiss and I almost melted away when I see the loving look in his eyes. God, how I loved that man. Not in my wildest dreams I would have ever thought I'd meet someone so caring and gentle and yet so passionate. I felt really blessed that moment. I sighed: "I love you, Angel."

Now he smiled as well: "I love you too. It is late love, we should go to bed. Tomorrow night we will see your friends and I will be with you, every minute. And if they bully you just look into my eyes."

I sighed again, yes I was really blessed. And when we slipped under the covers and he pulled me in his arms to hold me close I knew it. I was home.

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