Chapter 15: MOTHERS, DAUGHTERS, AND THE WAY OF LIFE

Cordelia Chase hated being right. Okay, so most of the time she loved being right. It always gave you an advantage to be right. And she'd been right very often. She'd known from the beginning that Xander Harris was a loser, and that Willow Rosenberg was weird. And life had proven her right. Xander had married a vengeance demon, had five kids and never - at least not for a long time - set foot outside of Sunnydale, while Willow was married to a woman. This wasn't really weird these days, but thinking back on little Willow who had hardly gotten a word out because she was so painfully shy, the fact that she'd become a bisexual was high weird potential.

Cordelia had also always known that Buffy Summers was trouble. Big trouble. The kind of trouble with a big letter T. And again, she'd been right. Only this time she didn't like it. Because it meant that her best friend, the person who came, as close to being a big brother to her as possible, was hurt.

Because she hadn't been able to reach Angel by his cell phone, she had called Willow and the witch had told her that Angel had left town.

After talking to Willow she had tried to get a hold of Angel again, but his cell was left off. That was yesterday, but Cordelia still hadn't any luck in finding him, he hadn't tried to contact her and she still had the keys to the apartment she had chosen for him in L.A.

To say she was extremely worried by now was an understatement. Of course she would never have admitted it. "I'm okay," she said stubbornly, gritting her teeth. Wesley had asked her for the umpteenth time if everything was all right with her. Obviously she'd lost her skill in keeping up appearances somewhere during her marriage. Or Wesley had become so good at reading her that he could see right through her act. Neither possibility was too appealing at the moment.

"No, you aren't," he replied and sighed. "I know you're worried about Angel. But he's a grown man. He can look out for himself."

"You don't know what you're talking about," his wife turned away from the counter and cup in hand came back to the table. "This is about Buffy. That means it's serious. Beyond serious, actually. Angel never could think straight when it came to Buffy. You weren't there, you never saw the way he brooded for a week straight after her first visit in L.A."

"I've seen enough," Wesley said gently, not quite sure if he should be glad that she cared so much or worry because she got worked up that way. "You weren't there when Faith came to town. I saw the look on his face. And remember, I was the one who found him in a drunken stupor almost bursting into flames. But that was years ago. A lot has changed since then, don't you think?"

"No. Not where Buffy is concerned. God, I wish," she shook her head, reminding herself of a wish she'd once made, that Buffy never came to Sunnydale. But unlike she'd thought the world hadn't been better without the tiny blond. She combed her hair with one hand and put the cup on the table, "No, I don't wish she hadn't come into our lives, but why did Angel have to fall for her? Couldn't he have fallen for some nice girl like... like Fred?"

Her husband stifled a chuckle, "Fred?" he asked, raising a brow. "Cordelia, Fred wasn't really of this world. She did come around but she was still a little strange when we managed to get her back where she belonged. Then there was Kate who - so you told me was crushing on Angel for a while. Kate is a nice person. But Kate and Angel? And then there was Darla. So given the choice I'd take Buffy out of all of them."

She frowned slightly at him, and then smiled a bit sheepishly, "If you put it that way. Still, I think he would've, if not been better, at least his life would be easier without her."

"You think?" Wesley asked, standing up and slipping his arms around her waist. "I'm not sure." He grinned at kissed her nose, "Men like challenges. Just take me. What other reason would I have to hook up with you?"

Slightly pulling away, Cordelia scrunched her nose in indignation. "Don't even dare to compare me to Buffy Summers. We're not even remotely alike."

"No, not at all," he replied, and managed to keep a straight face. "Cordy, darling, stop worrying about Buffy and Angel. He's over 250 years old and should know how to manage his relationships, and as far as Buffy, she isn't a teenager anymore. She's grown up as well, has three children. I don't think they need our help. That's not to say they won't get it if they come and ask for it. I would never close my door to either of them, but they have to ask for a change."

"But-"

"No buts," he said firmly. "I'm sure Angel is alright. Maybe he was just late yesterday and didn't want to disturb at the late hour because of the children. He has a credit card and knows how to rent a room for a night. And don't start with his cell phone. Maybe he just needed to think-"

"Brood," she threw in, pouting at him.

He smiled, kissed her nose again, "Okay, brood. I know you don't like it, but over the years I've come to understand that Angel needs it from time to time. It's his way of dealing with things. Do you remember when Darla came back to L.A. insisting that the child she was carrying was his? He went into a several daylong brooding-session. Afterwards he had all worked out and offered her to take care of the baby, but made it perfectly clear that not for one moment he was buying the idea he could be the father. That it didn't work out in the end wasn't his fault."

"No," she admitted on a sigh. "Certainly not." The affair with Darla's child wasn't something she wanted to remember. Although it had in the end led to the downfall of Wolfram & Hart, it had been a terrible thing for Angel.

"But what's more important is that he made it through it. Granted, he'll carry scars for the rest of his now blessedly mortal life, but we all carry scars. In Angel's case they just made him stronger, more determined to get things done. I trust him, Cordelia. He knows exactly what he does. Much better than we do. And I'm sure he will-" call you soon, he wanted to say when the doorbell rang.

*****

Joyce stopped dead in her tracks when she entered the kitchen after school.

"Hi, honey," Buffy greeted her.

Of all people Joyce had expected to see sitting in Willow's kitchen, her mother was number 200 on the list. Hadn't she made it perfectly clear that she didn't want Buffy near? She wasn't as angry anymore as she'd been yesterday, but that didn't mean she was all happy about seeing her.

Without even sparing her mother a glance, she walked over to the cupboard, took out a glass, went to the fridge and filled it with milk, all the time ignoring Buffy's presence, although her jerky movements betrayed the truth. Joyce was tense as a bow and had no idea how to react to her mother sitting casually at the table. "Where are Willow and Tara?" she asked instead.

"At work," her mother replied.

Joyce raised a brow, and sipping at her glass, she asked, "And who let you in?"

"Willow gave me her key," Buffy said with a smile, lifting the object she was still holding in her hand. "I told her we had to talk about some things and she thought it was a good idea."

"Oh, really?" the girl's voice sounded sarcastic. "Newsflash, mom, I don't want to talk to you. So you can just leave. I'll give the key back to Willow."

"No need," her mother's smile didn't waver, "because I'm staying, and I'm going to talk to you, and afterwards I can give the key back myself."

"I can't speak for you, but I'm certainly not going to talk-"

"Shut up," Buffy interrupted her daughter, her voice never rising.

Joyce's eyes widened and she stared at the woman in front of her. Was that really her mother? After her father had died, Buffy had, if she wasn't drunk, never spoken a harsh word to her. Her voice was still pleasant now, but the look in her eyes told her that she was absolutely serious about this.

"Just sit down," the ex-slayer ordered. "You don't have to talk. Just listen. Sit," she said again and nodded pointedly at the chair opposite to hers.

Her daughter glared at her, but finally sat down, crossed her arms in front of her chest and with a stubborn expression stared at her mother.

"See, that wasn't really hard, was it?" Buffy said, her smile warming. "I know you're angry, and I also admit you have a right to be. I neglected you for the last six months, and there is absolutely no excuse for it. But maybe I can try to explain, what caused it? And why you found me with Angel." She looked at her daughter for a moment, and when she got no reaction, just the same stubborn stare, she stifled a sigh and went on.

"Angel and I met when I was just sixteen, younger than you are today. I was a slayer and he was a vampire with a soul. We did something nobody expected, we fell in love," she laughed slightly, "Just think about it, mortal enemies falling in love." She shook her head, laughed again. "To say the world around us was shocked is clearly an understatement. I know, Willow already told you something about it, but I think you should hear my version as well."

Buffy got up and poured herself a glass of orange juice. Putting the juice back into the fridge, she turned to her daughter again, "On my seventeenth birthday I slept with him." She saw Joyce's eyes widen in surprise, the first sign that the girl was really listening, and nodded. "I suppose Willow left that out, huh? But you're a big girl. I think you can deal with it. Anyways. As a result Angel lost his soul. The reason was, there was a clause in his curse. It said that if he was ever to achieve true happiness, he would lose his soul."

Reclaiming her chair, the ex-slayer sighed, "The time after that was difficult. I had lost my virginity to him. I loved him more than I could say and now a demon was wearing the face of my lover. It was one of the most difficult times in my life." She smiled slightly, trying to remember what Willow had told her about her talk with Joyce. "When Angel returned from Hell, we were both so scared. Too scared to even touch. Scared that one of us would lose control and make his soul snap again. Finally he was the more adult of us two and left. It broke his heart and mine."

"He... he just left you?" Joyce asked.

Buffy gave her a smile, "Yeah, he did. He broke off with me in a sewer tunnel."

"That's gross," her daughter commented with a grimace.

The ex-slayer chuckled, "Well, I didn't even notice at that time. I couldn't believe he was leaving me. He stayed for a little while because we were fighting a strong demon and..." she shrugged. "I wouldn't have made it without him. Or without Willow, Xander and Giles for that matter."

"What about... Dad?" Joyce asked tentatively, finally getting her hero into the story. She knew that her father had once been a demon-hunter and she'd always admired him.

"He wasn't in the picture then," her mother answered. "I met him several months later. And he was wonderful. Exactly what I needed, exactly the way you remember him. Gentle, loving, a friend. But..." She took a deep breath, knowing that now was the time for her biggest revelation, hoping that her daughter would understand, "It wasn't the same. With Angel it was that once-in-a-lifetime kind of love. But we both knew there was no chance. So he left and I moved on. With your father. And I couldn't have had a better, more loving husband and you had the most wonderful father."

Joyce felt tears welling up in her eyes and gulped, "You... you didn't love Dad?" she asked, her voice weak, defeated.

"NO!" her mother replied more sharply than she'd intended. "I did love your father. There are different kinds of love, baby. I love you, and Ben, and Marlie. Still it isn't the same way I love Willow for example. And I do love her. A lot actually. And it's the same with your dad and Angel. I loved your dad. And I miss him. I wish he didn't have to die. But that doesn't mean I'm going to deny myself the man I loved all my life, now that we have a chance, now that he is human."

"But he was a vampire once?" Joyce said, the stubborn look back in her eyes.

Uh-oh, Buffy thought. Her it comes. "Yes," she said cautiously.

"Vampires are killers," her daughter said, "they kill people. Are you going to tell me that you want to live with a killer? With a monster."

It was like listening to Riley, Buffy thought sadly, but this was Joyce, not Riley, this was her daughter, and Joyce would learn that Angel was different. "Angel isn't a monster. He's human now. And even before that, he had a soul. That means he didn't kill people. He didn't bite them," she said, unconsciously touching the scar on her own neck, "On the contrary. He protected them. He did the same I was doing. He was fighting the good fight."

"Oh sure," Joyce scoffed, and threw her head back.

"It's true," Buffy insisted, looking her daughter in the eye. "I don't expect you to love him, Joyce, or even like him. All I want is that you give him a chance. Maybe he'll surprise you. And if you still don't like him, well, then at least I expect you to treat him with respect."

"With respect? A vampire?" The girl's voice sounded as if that was the most ridiculous idea.

"Yes," her mother replied, not letting her daughter's attitude get to her, "with respect."

Joyce looked at her mother for a long time, and then finally she took a deep breath, "So that means you have decided you want to be with him already?"

"If he'll have me, yes," Buffy said honestly, thinking about Angel, hoping that he was all right. She wanted to be with him, hold him, and make all the hurt she'd caused him go away.

The teenager nodded, and then tilted her head speculatively, "And what if I won't come back then? What if I decide to stay with Willow?"

Buffy pushed the hurt she felt at her daughter's words away. Yesterday after Joyce had run from the apartment, she might have gone to her knees and promised her daughter everything if she just came back. But not today. Today was different. She'd talked to Angel, to Willow and to Giles and had grown in 24 hours. "Then," she said, taking a deep breath, "I'll be very sad, because I love you, because I want you to live with me and your siblings. But I will have to accept it. I love you, baby, and because I do, I will always want what's best for you. And if you think, you'd prefer to stay with Willow," she shrugged, "then I won't try to keep you where you aren't happy."

She looked at her daughter and saw a myriad of emotions play on the girl's face. Joyce turned her head away, frowned, bit her lower lip, then after what seemed like an eternity, she said, "Okay. I'm coming back home. For now," she added, rising her brow, telling her mother with the gesture, that the final decision wasn't made today. Couldn't be made today. Still, her daughter was reaching out to her and Buffy would gladly take what she could get.

"Good," she said simply, but her eyes were moist.

Joyce nodded, but didn't look at her mother. "Is he going to sleep with you in yours and Dad's bed?"

Surprised by the question, but understanding what her daughter meant, Buffy replied, "If you don't want us to, I can get a new one. I have the feeling that Angel wouldn't be opposed at all to the idea. Maybe we'll even move. I'm not sure."

Joyce nodded again, and then stood up, put her empty glass in the sink, "Okay. But I'm not going to call him 'dad'," she said walking towards the door. "Ever."

Buffy looked at her daughter's retreating back, and then sighed in relief. It wasn't much of a victory, as far as victories went, but it was a start. Now she had one thing left to do, the thing that was most probably the biggest challenge, and then she would get the man she wanted.

Chapter 16: I WANT MY LIFE TO BE WITH YOU

Note: The title of this chapter is taken from the BtVS-season 3, episode "The Prom", it's not mine.

Buffy's hands tightened around the wheel of her little SUV as she craned her neck to see the numbers of the houses. She'd once lived in L.A. and although she didn't come often, she didn't need a map to find this certain street. But the numbers were sometimes hard to see.

It had been four weeks. Four weeks since Angel had left Sunnydale, four weeks since she'd gotten Joyce to move back home with her, four weeks during which she'd tried to straighten out her life.

She spent a lot of time talking to Willow and Giles, because she had needed friends to listen to her, to get her feelings in order. The conversations hadn't been specifically about Angel, although he'd been important in them, but there was no doubt inside of her where he was concerned. She loved him, and she wanted to be with him.

He had been so right, she mused now, squinting her eyes against the bright sunlight. Damn, she'd forgotten her sunglasses. Only yesterday the police had returned her driver's license and she'd been so excited about going to L.A. that she'd forgotten to take them with her. Angel had been right, that afternoon in his motel room. She needed time. Not only to get things right with Joyce, but first and foremost she needed to confront her own feelings.

Her past.

Riley.

Talking about her feelings had only been the first step. Admitting to herself that she hadn't loved him, at least not the way she should have, had been a start.

After a week of crying a lot at night, and trying to figure out what to do during the day, she'd started to sort through his things, much to Joyce's distaste. But Buffy had ignored her accusing looks, and continued her work. All of Riley's clothes were now donated to the Red Cross, she'd given his books to Joyce and also her wedding ring was now dangling from a chain on her daughter's neck. Buffy knew that Joyce did it to provoke her. Joyce wanted to remind her that she didn't agree with what she was doing, but the ex-slayer let it go for now.

Buffy hit the breaks and parked her car when she saw the apartment Angel was living in. It had been hard work squeezing the address out of Cordelia. The former cheerleader had been outright hostile at first, accusing Buffy of doing nothing but hurting Angel, but by talking to her and - she had to admit - the help of her husband she had finally given in. Wesley had changed so much over the years that Buffy was truly amazed. And their children, both of Asian ancestry, were just adorable. They had parted with a promise to meet again so that the children could get to know each other.

The ex-slayer slammed her car door shut and locked it, then took a deep breath and walked towards the door. Angel was living in the outskirts of L.A. now, and, according to Cordelia, rented a nice little apartment there and was trying to figure out what to do with the rest of his human life. The first months he spent in Washington, closing the office they'd used for over ten years and closing up open cases, which had been difficult enough with him being human now and as a result not having any more vampire strength.

After losing her hostility towards Buffy, Cordelia had been a fountain of information, Buffy remembered with a fond smile, while she was walking towards Angel's house. The ex-slayer knew now that Angel had woken up one morning with a heartbeat. That he had a thing for chocolate. And that there had never been anything serious with a woman since he'd left Sunnydale over 20 years ago.

Cordelia even told Buffy about Darla, although the blond had the feeling that there was more the story than the brunette had been willing to tell. She hadn't asked any further, too stunned to hear about the fact that Angel's sire had returned a second time, after almost driving him insane, and that Angel had finally staked her. Buffy had already known about Darla's first return, Angel had told her all about it, during a night they had spent beside her mother's grave. It was the last time - she remembered - when they'd been close.

Until - of course - that morning in her apartment, when her revelation that she'd never been in love with Riley that had spiraled into something incredibly beautiful. Something Buffy hadn't expected to ever experience again. Yet it had happened, and instead of holding it as tight as she could, she'd let her guilt rule her life and pushed Angel away.But no more, she vowed while she took the steps that led to his apartment. She wouldn't lose him again, not when she could prevent it. He'd told her she had to find a way to live with her past. Well, now here she was, ready to begin a new part of her life, with him.

Still, her heart beat in her chest like a drum when she rang the bell and after a moment heard footsteps approaching from the inside.

"Buffy?" he said in that almost breathless, sweet, very-Angel way, as if he couldn't believe she was really there. Which, she mused, was probably true.

"Hi, Angel," she replied and tried to plaster a smile on her face. But it was difficult, when she wanted to drown in his dark eyes, wanted nothing more than to rip his clothes away and ravish him on the spot. She hadn't even realised how she'd missed him until now.

"Wh-" he began, but had to clear his throat. She thought it was comforting that he seemed equally nervous. "What are you doing here? How did you get my address?"

"Cordelia," she said, answering his last question first. "It took some serious persuading, but in the end she told me."

"Really?" Angel asked, raising a brow, then made an inviting gesture and closed the door after she'd stepped over the threshold. "I have to admit I'm surprised. Cordelia can be quite... uh... adamant in her protection of friends," he grinned. "When I came back from Sunnydale, she tried to convince me that you were the wrong woman for me and the embodiment of evil. 'Angel, you don't know, maybe she's possessed by some demon. She was the slayer after all', he mimicked the brunette and they both laughed.

When the laughter faded, silence settled over the living room and Buffy looked around. It was a nice apartment as far as she could see. It had enough space, and large windows to allow the sunlight in. Something that was probably very important for a man who had lived in the darkness for so long. "It's nice," she said finally, gesturing at her surroundings. "Cordelia already told me it was nice."

He chuckled, "She should. She chose it for me. I was in Washington wrapping up open cases, closing the office and stuff. She said after working with me for more than 20 years she knew my taste better than I did. She... was very specific about it," he added and grinned, remembering Cordelia with her hands on her hips, daring him to doubt she knew his taste. 'After all,' she'd said, 'I would have no problems finding a woman for you. How about delicate, blond, leaning towards violent?' He'd glared at her, he remembered, but Cordelia had snickered.

This time the silence was more awkward. There wasn't much more small talk they could make, and Buffy felt suddenly uncertain. She wanted Angel, but what if he had decided he was better off without her? "So," she said the very same moment, when he said the same. They laughed slightly, awkwardly.

"You came," Angel stated, "So I assume you made a decision?"

Was she imagining it, or was there a quiver in his voice, a slight tremble? God, she hoped so, because at the moment she had the feeling she would embarrass herself terribly. "I... I have," she replied, trying to swallow. But her mouth was so dry it was impossible. "Joyce moved back home," she said, "I told her, that I would leave the choice to her, but that I wouldn't deny myself to be with you."

She bit her lower lip, not daring to look at him, not knowing what to expect.

"God, Buffy," he said roughly, and then she was in his arms, and he was holding her close. "These past weeks were the longest I can remember. Waiting for you to make the first step, damned to just wait."

She felt his lips on her skull, felt his hands on her back and tears were springing to her eyes. This time they were tears of joy, "I know," she whispered hoarsely, "I know. I'm sorry. But you were right. I needed to time to close that chapter of my life. There was no way I could just jump on the train, so to speak."

"Yes," she felt him nod against her hair, then his chin rested on her head, his arms holding her tight and secure to him, "And now you're sure?"

"Yes," she replied, slightly pulling back so that she was able to look at him. "I'm sure. I gave all of Riley's things away," she admitted on a slight smile. "See," she held up her hand, "I don't even wear his ring anymore. Joyce has it now. Of course she's wearing it to provoke me. She's still angry. And I should warn you, Riley told her a lot about vampires. And she's got all his strange ideas about them all being evil."

"Well technically..." he began, but trailed off. Sighing he kissed her gently on the forehead, "I know what you mean. We'll take it one day at the time."

"But what about," she looked around, "your apartment? I can't leave Sunnydale, not with the kids at school there and-"

"You're thinking too much. Buffy, I'm free to do whatever I want. I'm not bound by a job so far. I have no problem living in Sunnydale. Somehow it's like going home." He smiled slightly. "I missed it. Not just because of you. But because it was where I got my start back to myself."

"I'm glad," she sighed, snuggling close. "I even got rid of my old bed," she told him and smiled when she heard him chuckle.

"I can't say I'm sorry," he retorted. "I have to admit it was kind of awkward to do it where you and Riley... you know."

"I'll bet," she grinned now. "Joyce was all for it. She asked if I intended to sleep in the same bed with you where I did with her dad."

He raised an amused brow. "You talked with her about having sex with me?"

She blushed, "Not really. It was more about sleeping in general. But I think she's old enough to get the drift. Besides, she already saw us in bed together." Leaning her forehead against his chest, she groaned, "It's kind of strange to think about your daughter as a sexual person. I can understand very well now how my mom felt when she found out I was seeing you."

"Not to forget how the demon told her about our first time," he only half-joked.

"Don't remind me," she groaned again, but chuckled too. "Thinking back, she was really cool about it. I have to admire her for it now."

"So Joyce doesn't like vampires, huh?" he asked after a moment. "I can't say I blame her. I don't particularly like them myself."

Buffy rolled her eyes at him, "Look who's talking."

"I had a soul," he reminded her.

"Yeah, I know," she said, fondly stroking his cheek. "Joyce never comes out of her room when Spike drops... ooops," she smiled sheepishly when she saw his eyes widen. "Wrong name?"

"Spike?" he pulled back, to stare at her as if she'd gone mad. "What do you mean Spike drops... by?"

Buffy sighed and then took a deep breath, "It's sort of a tradition, I guess. It started after the Hellmouth was closed. You remember him helping us?" When she saw Angel nod, although reluctantly, she went on, "Well, after the Hellmouth closed he was probably the only vampire who didn't leave Sunnydale. Probably because he didn't fit into the vampire community anymore, not with that chip in his head."

She saw the glimmer of amusement in Angel's eyes and sent him a glare, "He really helped us, you know," she came to the blond vampire's defense. "And then there was nothing more for him to do. Besides," she stopped, and her lips twitched, "annoying Riley."

"Huh?"

"Riley got really mad that Spike dropped by and Spike loved it."

"Not really surprising," Angel commented. "Spike was always good at annoying people."

"Not to forget that Riley was part of the organization that put the chip in his head. After the Hellmouth closed, Spike disappeared for a while. Only later he admitted he'd tried to find someone who would remove the chip. When that didn't work out, he came back. And soon, he came regularly. We do it once a month now and as strange as it sounds it's fun. Well, it wasn't for the last six months, but usually it was. Except one time, when..." she trailed off, suddenly realizing what she'd almost revealed.

But of course Angel wouldn't let her off the hook easily, "What time?" he asked, his eyes narrowing and she thought he suspected Spike had tried to hurt her. "What did he do?"

If she hadn't been so ashamed of her one time lapse, she would have laughed. Angel was human now, but the way he was talking could only be described as pure sire-childe attitude. He might not have made Spike in the strictest sense, but loony-tunes Drusilla certainly hadn't taught the blond vampire what he had to know and Spike had more than once referred to Angelus as his true Sire.

Taking a deep breath she looked at Angel, "It was after a party. Shortly after Ben was born and I had a bit too much to drink. We were celebrating Willow and Tara's marriage. And then things... uh... got a bit out of hand. To make a long story short, Willow found me and Spike engaged in a heated kiss."

"What?" Angel yelped.

"Calm down," she replied, stifling a grin. It wasn't the right time to grin. Angel looked ready for murder. "It wasn't serious. I had a... uh... I wasn't very happy that time. Probably some kind of postnatal depression," she shrugged and sighed, "Who knows? I... I missed you," she admitted finally. "And Spike was the closest I could get to you. He is related to you in some twisted way and he's... God, I can't even believe I'm saying this, but he's cold."

"Cold?"

"Yes, no body heat. And when I closed my eyes and kissed him, I could imagine... for a moment I made myself believe..." she broke off, giving Angel a desperate look. "I felt so horrible afterwards. Riley had given me so much and I... I... couldn't stop thinking of you."

"Oh Baby," he wrapped her in his arms again. "God, we're some pair of fools. I was so lonely at times and knowing that you can never have what you really want. For a time I even tried to imagine Cordelia and I..."

"What?" This time it was Buffy who screeched incredulously.

He grinned, "Nothing happened. Cordelia looked at me as if I'd finally grown a third head. No way she said. No way I'm going to think about a dead body that way. But she's a good friend. Maybe the best I ever had."

She sighed deeply, "Seems we both got... uh... sidetracked."

"Yeah," she felt him smiling at her forehead. Then suddenly he got serious and pulled back. "I think we should get married," he said and looked down on her.

"What?" She stared at him. Marriage? Not that she hadn't thought about it, or dreamed of it. But could it work? On the other hand, living together was technically the same thing, wasn't it? And she'd dreamt about marrying Angel longer than she could remember.

Holding her close with one arm around her waist, he used his free hand to tilt her head back. "We can't change what happened in the past, Buffy. It's done. All we can do now is choose how to live with it - whether we're going to let it rule the rest of our lives or if we're going to put it behind us and move on. The way I see it, we don't really have a choice. We can all be hurt and angry, and we can suffer, or we can deal. We can be alone and unhappy, 'atone for our guilt', or we can make a future for ourselves. We can make a home for Joyce, Ben, Marlie and maybe one or two more, if you want. We can be a family."

"A family," she mused dreamily, smiling up at him.

Pulling her closer until their bodies were intimately connecting, he grinned, "We could start right now," he said, grinning, pulling her even closer, letting her feel his erection. Growing more solemn again, he raised a brow, "So? What's your answer?"

Her bright smile was enough of an answer, but she still felt it necessary to say, "Yes, Angel. I'll marry you. I'll marry you and love you forever and ever."

He kissed her then, and without a doubt Buffy knew it was the right decision.

*

When Buffy woke several hours later, she glanced at the bedside clock and then at a sleeping Angel. Her legs felt a bit weak, she realized when she moved them under the sheet, but she also felt like flying. There was no guilt, no regret and the idea of marrying Angel felt like the most wonderful thing on this planet. He had been her first lover. And if she had any say in it, he would also be her last.

His bare body was long, hard, and perfect. It was amazing to her how different they were physically, how perfectly they fit together. Her body began to tremble at the memory of just how perfect it had been.

Leaning over she kissed him on the cheek, "Wake up, sleepyhead," she whispered, nuzzling at his earlobe.

He blinked and then his arm snaked around her and held her to him, "I had the most wonderful dream," he sighed.

"Yeah?" she grinned playfully.

"Oh yeah. There was this blond woman in my apartment, and she told me she was going to marry me."

"Oh that woman," she said, still grinning, "she left about an hour ago."

"You," he growled and with a swift movement, pinned her under his body weight. "Don't make jokes about a serious matter," he warned, and she noticed he was only half joking. He was afraid she would change her mind. "You are going to marry me, aren't you?"

"Oh, Angel," knowing her eyes had grown moist, but not caring, she cupped a cheek in one of her palms, "Of course I am. I love you, I'm not going away."

"I love you too," he replied, kissing her deeply, "I can hardly wait."

"Me neither," she said, smiling up into his eyes that were filled with so much love it almost took her breath away. Still smiling, she said, "I found your letter, you know."

He drew his brows together, "What letter?"

"The one you wrote to Riley," she answered, and held him when she felt him trying to draw back. "It's okay," she whispered.

"You... you're not angry?"

"I was. For about five minutes," she admitted. "I thought, that jerk, who does he think he is, to interfere with my life?" Seeing the sudden guilt in his eyes made her heart ache and she continued quickly, "But it changed after that. I read the letter again and again and realized that it had been a gift of love. Like the fact that you never told me about your Shanshu."

His mouth was dry, "Who... who told you?"

"Giles. Obviously Wesley told him one day. I still don't like it, that you didn't tell me, but I understand why you did it. If I'd been in your place I probably would've done the exact same thing. By the way, the letter you wrote was beautiful. And I realized you really thought at that time that I loved Riley, didn't you?"

He shrugged, "You told me, you loved him. So I assumed it was true. I should've known you only said it to hurt me, but then," he smiled a bit sheepishly, "I was so jealous, I couldn't think straight."

"I like you all possessive," she teased, pulling his head down to her and kissing him thoroughly. "God," she sighed, "And I love the way you kiss. I crave it."

"Is that true?" he asked, raising a brow. "Well, Madam, I can deliver that any time."

"Good," she whispered. "Kiss me, Angel. Kiss me, and never let go."

"Your wish is my command," he replied before his lips made any talk impossible.

Epilogue: FAMILY AND OTHER ANNOYING CREATURES

Joyce Finn closed her eyes in disgust for a moment, before she continued flipping through a magazine she wasn't really reading. Looking up she sighed seeing the packed boxes standing around her bed, she lay sprawled on her stomach. Her family would move to a new house the day after tomorrow.

Family, she snorted. What a family? Her "family" was two younger siblings who didn't understand a thing, and a mother who was busy with her new lover, who happened to be an ex-vampire.

Of course calling it busy was the understatement of the century. They were all over each other.

All the time.

Was it really surprising that she felt like throwing up most of the time? How could her mother let this... this thing touch her? Especially after she'd been with her father for so long. Of course Angel had been her mother's first lover, but Joyce quickly put that piece of information away, not willing to even go there.

They were in the bedroom again. Of course they were in the bedroom most of the time, so it wasn't a surprise. Did they do anything besides screw each other, she wondered? But silently she'd been asking herself again and again if it was really that good. She couldn't remember ever having seen her mother that crazy with her father. Part of her hated it. The other part was immensely curious. They only had to look at each other, in that special, and of course thoroughly disgusting, sort of way and then it was, like, 'we'll be busy for a while, Joyce. Can you take care of Marlie for the next hour?'

Hadn't she already said they were *busy* most of the time?

And now they had even announced they were going to have a baby. Sheesh. Her mother was forty for goodness' sake. Wasn't there an age limit for that kind of behavior? Forty-year-old women didn't get pregnant. There had to be some law. Certainly there was a law that forbade ex-vampires to have kids. Of course, there was still that tiny little problem that they would probably lock her up, Joyce thought. In some asylum for mentally disabled.

Nobody had believed vampires were real when they were around all the time, who would believe it now, when most of them had left Sunnydale for good.

Of course, Ben and Marlie were ecstatic about the news, Ben already planning how to care for his little brother. Gee, one would think this was the greatest news this side of the Pacific Ocean. Her mother and Angel certainly thought it was. He couldn't stop touching Buffy, Joyce had more than once found him touching her mother's belly, and there had been that silly look on his face. That dreamy smile. He was almost nice when he smiled that way. Stop it, she told herself firmly, no way she would get all mushy now and forget that she really despised Angel.

True to her word, she was behaving well around him. She even talked to him, but she would never like him. Not ever. Of course he had a nice smile, especially when he was with either Marlie or Ben and when they were beaming up at him as if he'd hung the sky. Hadn't she said it? Disgusting.

Suddenly there was a muffled groan and another, deeper voice shouting something. Joyce was almost certain it had been her mother's name. Groaning herself, she let her head fall on her bed. Her stepfather had been a vampire. The man her mother was married to and was doing the nasty thing with. Could her life get worse?

*****

"This time you were the loud one," Buffy scolded, but smiled at her husband, who was lying beside her, one of his hands stroking her belly in lazy circles.

"I couldn't help it," he said, but there wasn't a hint of apology in his voice. "Besides, Joyce is the only one around and she already knows what's going on when you tell her we'll be busy for an hour."

"What?" propping herself up on an elbow, she stared at him. "You are talking about my underage daughter you know."

"Besides," he went on, ignoring her comment with a grin, "you're pregnant," he said, emphasizing the last word by resting the palm of his hand over their unborn child. His hand was so large it almost covered the whole space between her hipbones. "Joyce had sex Ed in school. You told me that. She has to know where babies come from."

Rolling her eyes at Angel, Buffy fell back on the pillow, "Still, it's kinda embarrassing don't you think? To know that she might be sitting in her room, trying to cover her ears. Girls at her age don't think of their parents as sexual people. I clearly remember when my mom was dating Ted."

"Who?" he asked, but then he remembered, "Oh, the robot guy. The one you couldn't stand."

"Yeah, you said I should give him a chance." She sighed, "Anyways. The mere thought of my mother being with a guy, any guy, who wasn't my dad... It was hard to accept. I hated Ted, even before I knew he wasn't what he seemed to be. And when I found out he was a robot, I was really glad."

"So what you're telling me with this walk down memory lane, is, that you understand the problems Joyce is having with you and me? Buffy, I know it's still a long way, maybe she won't ever accept me completely. But she'll arrange herself. In a few years she's going to live her own life. She can't expect her mother to live the rest of her life on her own, just to please her. And I think she's realized that already."

"Yeah," she leaned towards him, and kissed him softly. "I know. But-"

The very same moment the doorbell rang and Buffy returned Angel's raised brow with a certain panic in her eyes.

"What?" he asked.

"Spike," she yelped, slipping from the bed and searching for her clothes.

"Spike?" Angel sat up in bed when it hit him. "Spike." With a pained groan his head fell back on the pillow. "God, I think I'm doomed."

*

"Tell me, slayer," Spike drawled from his position on the sofa, "Are you feeling happy, all married and living with soul-boy?"

"What do you think?" Buffy asked back, not bothering to look at him. She was standing in the kitchen to get some coffee ready, while Spike had already found his favorite place.

"You look good," he commented, "So I'd say it's a safe bet, that you're all over the moon."

She grinned when she came back to the living room, holding a tray loaded with cups, coffee, some cookies and Spike's favorite marshmallows. His eyes lit up at the sight of them, "Oh, the little white ones. I'd like to kiss you, slayer. Maybe we should. It would annoy the hell out of my grand-sire."

"Yes, or you could just be dust in a second," Angel said casually when he joined them in the room. Buffy noticed he'd been particularly careful with his clothes tonight. It was the first time he and Spike met after the wedding, the first time they met in close quarters, so to say, and she couldn't help but feel a bit nervous about it. Granted, most of the stuff was already in boxes, as they would soon move into the new house they bought near Willow's, but the furniture was almost new and Buffy didn't care for crashed tables or broken cups.

"Empty threats," Spike grinned at his grand-sire, not quite sure if he should be pissed because Angel had managed to get back into the slayer's pants or glad that Buffy looked that much better and hadn't touched so much as a drop of alcohol over the last four months.

"You think?" Angel raised a brow and there was something in his eyes that made Spike frown, Joyce noticed when she came to the living room as well.

"Can I have some hot chocolate?" she asked her mother.

"Sure, sweetie," Buffy replied and turned for the kitchen again. "You too, Spike?"

"Thanks, Slayer. Yeah." Then he suddenly tilted his head, and his eyes widened. "I didn't notice it before, with all the noise in the room, but I could swear I heard five heartbeats."

"Mom's pregnant," Joyce told him. "Don't you think she's too old for another child?" she asked the vampire.

"Joyce!" came Buffy's sharp voice from the kitchen.

The girl rolled her eyes and caught Spike's gaze. "Don't ask me, kid," he said. "I might look younger than your mother, but I hardly am. So I'm not really the age-expert around. Maybe we should ask if it's allowed that some 250 odd years old guy should father a child."

"Careful," Angel warned softly, oh so softly, and Spike felt a shiver run down his spine. Damn, if Angel hadn't just sounded exactly like Angelus. Obviously by turning human you didn't lose your ability to threaten innocent vampires. But then, he was hardly innocent, Spike thought with glee.

"Your step daddy," he said, grinning at Joyce, ignoring that she didn't really like him, even hated him, "went all soft at a certain point, you know. While me and Dru," he sighed deeply, "Well, you could say that we were feared allover this planet. We had quite a reputation."

"God save me from a vampire with an attitude," Angel groaned, turning away from his annoying grand-childe.

"Oh, and that coming from the master of the attitude. That's rich," Spike shot back, not backing down.

Joyce looked back and forth between the two men, inwardly wincing at calling the vampire a man, "You don't like each other a lot, huh?" she asked, sensing an unexpected ally in Angel. She didn't like him, she reminded herself quickly, but if she had to choose she would take him any day. Her father had hated Spike, and Joyce would never forget that.

Spike had no problems following her train of thought, "Don't even think it, kid," he said. "He made me. He's responsible for what I am."

"I never *made* you," Angel bit back. "No vampire in his right mind would've chosen this sorry excuse for a poet as his childe. Angelus might have been a crazy bastard, but he had his standards after all. Only someone like Dru could be blind enough not to see that you wouldn't make an impressive vampire."

"WHOA!" Buffy shouted coming back from the kitchen, holding the two cups of cocoa in both her hands. "Time out. I don't want this here. I might not be a slayer anymore, and for that can't kick your ass, but you stop it now. Spike, Angel will be in my life, so you better get used to him," she turned to her lover who gave his grand-childe a smug grin, "and Angel, Spike is my friend. You have to accept that."

"Some friend," Angel muttered. "An evil, bloodsucking-"

"Not one more word," Buffy warned and when she caught Spike grinning this time, she glared at him. "And I mean both of you."

"I'm not saying anything," Spike chirped.

"You better. My teenage daughter is in the room. She doesn't need this testosterone competition."

The teenage daughter in question had followed the exchange with a growing interest. And especially her mother's forceful reaction had been something Joyce would've never expected. "Uh... actually... I thought it was kinda... cute."

"Huh?" Three voices said unison while three pairs of eyes shifted in her direction, making her feel uncomfortable all of a sudden.

"Gee," she rolled her eyes. "I never saw two vamps have a fight before. I was really looking forward to it." Plus she made a definite mental note that Angel really didn't like Spike. You never knew when you could use that sort of knowledge.

Buffy sighed, "Joyce, Angel isn't a vampire anymore, meaning he doesn't have vampire-strength anymore. So he wouldn't be able to fight Spike." She saw the blond vampire grin smugly and went on, "And Spike has a chip in his head. He couldn't beat Angel even if he wanted to. He's," she shrugged, "neutered. Sort of."

"HEY!" Spike's head jerked around and he glared at her. "No insults please. And besides. You even married the jerk who put this thing in my head." The moment the words had left his mouth, he knew it had been a mistake and he already groaned inwardly at the reaction that of course came instantly.

"Really?" Joyce smiled broadly at him. "Dad put that thing in your head?"

"Not in the strictest sense," Buffy amended Spike's words. "But yeah. He was part of the team that captured Spike and brought him in so that they could implant the chip."

"Wow," the girl looked at the vampire in awe.

Spike narrowed his eyes and was about to give her a reply, but he caught Buffy's warning gaze and gathered that telling Joyce about some gory details of her father's past, like his preference for vampire whores, wouldn't be a wise move at the moment. He shut his mouth with a loud click and cursed inwardly when he saw his grand-sire grinning smugly again. Darn slayer. Why on earth did she have the hots for someone like Angel? God, he hated the bugger. On the other hand, "Did you ever tell Buffy about the way you went groiny with Darla?" he asked, looking his grand-sire straight in the eye.

He looked back the same way, "Buffy knows what happened with Darla."

Joyce, who had been on her way to her room, stopped in the doorway and turned around. Darla? Another woman? That might have possibilities.

"Yes, she does," the ex-slayer interrupted, "and she's in the room, so you can also speak with her."

"Oh really?" Spike raised a brow, ignoring the blond, "And does she also know that your sire filed a paternity suit against you?"

"WHAT?" Buffy asked stunned. A paternity suit? Darla? Against Angel? But Angel was-

"How do you know about that?" she heard her husband ask his grand-childe.

"I was traveling around. Came across Dru again. She always liked to talk."

"I see," Angel narrowed his eyes at Spike and for a moment the blond vampire considered the possibility that he was going to leave this apartment tonight in a nice little urn. Angel sighed, and turned towards Buffy, who was watching him expectantly, but in her eyes he saw nothing but trust and it warmed him deep inside.

"Darla came back a while after she'd left," he said. "She was a vampire then, but she was pregnant." When he saw Buffy's eyes widen in surprise, he nodded, "Yeah, I thought the same. It wasn't possible. Boy, did I look funny when one day a paternity suit landed on my desk. It was of course filed by Wolfram & Hart who were - surprise, surprise her lawyers again."

Buffy nodded. She remembered Angel telling her about the evil law firm, and also Darla's connection with them.

"After a little bit of research, we found out that the baby she was carrying was human. A little bit more research told us that some wizard had used a spell to make the pregnancy possible. We also found out that the father of the baby was a human lawyer who had once been with Wolfram & Hart. We tried to find him, but we failed."

He sighed again, smiled when Buffy took his hand, "I offered to take care of the baby, but refused to be called its biological father. To make a long story short, Darla disappeared when the paternity test proved I wasn't the father. She actually believed I was the father, but the wizard obviously betrayed her. He couldn't make a vampire fertile. We never found out how the baby survived the fact that Darla had syphilis, but where magic is involved it's always hard to know what's possible or not.

"Later we found out that Darla had given birth to the baby, then killed it right after," he had to take a deep breath to continue his story. Everyone had forgotten about Joyce still standing in the doorway, but she was listening intently. "When I met her again, I staked her and made sure that nothing of her was left to resurrect her a second time.

"The good thing in all this, however, was that by searching for Darla we came across information that resulted in the downfall of Wolfram & Hart. There were several disks and we gave them to a friend of ours who has a computer company in L.A.  His specialists - you could call them hacker - planted a virus in Wolfram & Hart's system and like magic all their files disappeared. Their stocks were worth less a penny within a day."

"That's quite a story," Buffy said and squeezed his hand.

"She... she really killed her own baby?" Joyce asked suddenly from the doorway.

Her mother gasped only now realizing that her daughter had heard everything. Squeezing her hand, Angel turned towards the girl, "Yes, she did. But she was a vampire. A demon controlled her body at that time. It was her nature to kill."

"Joyce, honey," Buffy walked towards her daughter, but the teenager held up her hand.

"No, it's okay," she said, taking a deep, steadying breath. "And you killed her?" she asked Angel.

"Yes, I did."

"He killed her before. To save my life. But some people resurrected her with magic," Buffy added.

Joyce gulped, suddenly seeing Angel with new eyes, "I once read about Sires and their childer," she said then, "quite a lot actually. In one of Giles' books. I was there with Mom and got bored so I went through his stacks. It said that their bond is... unbreakable."

"Not bloody likely," Spike muttered, thinking about Dru who had dumped him without mercy, and about Angelus, the vampire he had admired like a God and who abandoned him with his loony Sire and Darla, whom he despised.

"It's very strong," Angel replied, ignoring Spike's muttered comment. "Turning against your sire isn't something that usually happens with vampires. But I wasn't vampire like she was when I killed her. I had a soul. That's different." He spoke slowly, his voice gentle. It was the first time that Joyce had asked about him being a vampire, and he wasn't about to let the opportunity pass to get closer to her. And if Spike intervened, well, he could always stake him. And not lose a second of sleep over it.

"I was an evil vampire before," he continued, "but when I got my soul back, everything changed. I cared. I couldn't kill somebody, and just live on as nothing had happened. It's not so easy when you still have a raging demon inside of you. A demon you have to fight every step of the way."

Joyce nodded, and her eyes flickered towards Spike, then back to Angel. Swallowing hard, she tried a tiny smile, "Maybe," she said after a moment, "we could talk some more in the near future?"

"I would like that," Angel replied and smiled as well. It wasn't much. She wasn't throwing her arms around him and welcoming him in the family, but for a first step, he thought, it wasn't bad. He smiled when Buffy took his hand and pulled her in his arms, and grinned when he saw Spike roll his eyes. "Some more cocoa?," he asked him with a wink.

*

"You are a wicked man," Buffy said an hour later, after Spike had left, they were sitting on the sofa, the blond curled up in Angel's lap.

"You think?" he asked and raised a brow.

"You know what I mean. You don't have to tease Spike that way. He doesn't have it easy."

"Buffy, chip or no, Spike's still evil, he can live with it. He won't break because of it," Angel replied, kissing the tip of her nose.

"One day I want to know why you both hate each other like that," she said suddenly, and leaned her head on his shoulder. "There is a lot I want to know of your life."

"No way," he retorted firmly. "And as for Spike hating me. It's more complicated, more twisted. I think most of all he hated the fact that I suddenly had a soul and couldn't be what he wanted me to anymore. His Sire. Someone he could look up to. He never got along with Darla. And Dru," he sighed sadly, "Angelus made sure she hadn't one sane marble left in her mind. I should've staked her, but I could never bring myself to."

"Here comes the guilt again," Buffy said, kissing his jaw. "But we have both learned to live with it."

"Yes, we have," he agreed and tilted her head up to kiss her properly. "And soon," he placed his hand on her stomach, "we'll have a baby to care for. And I really liked the way Joyce was opening up just before."

"I'm glad," Buffy smiled, "She's been really difficult, thanks to Riley's narrow-minded view of things. That's one thing we never agreed on. If it was for him, we could've staked Spike on the spot."

"Maybe we would've been friends after all," Angel muttered and his wife slapped him playfully. He grinned, "Spike is annoying," he said.

"Yes, he is. But he helped a lot. He's family in a twisted sort of way. And he'll be thrilled by the baby," she went on, missing the slightly panicked look in her husband's eyes, "He loves kids. He's a great babysitter, and-"

"No way," Angel interrupted her firmly and made her look at him. "I'm not going to let him care for my baby. No way. Uh-uh. Absolutely not."

"But, Angel-"

"No way," he said again, planting a hard kiss on her mouth. "I love you, but not ever."

"Come on, Angel," she drawled and began to unbutton his shirt, while she planted a kiss on his throat.

He groaned, "Buffy," he hissed, feeling the heat spreading through him like a fire, "I won't give in. Spike is not going to watch our baby."

"We'll see," she said with a throaty voice that made his head spin. "Kiss me, Angel."

"If you think you can persuade me, that Spike is harmless, by seducing... God Buffy," he yelped, when her hand traveled down and inside his pants.

"Is it working?" she asked, tracing his lips with her tongue.

"No," he replied, but his voice was weak. He sucked in a sharp breath when he felt her hand closing around his shaft. Forgetting about Spike and everything, he pulled her mouth to his and claimed her lips in a passionate kiss. "Buffy," he managed.

"What?"

"Stop talking," he growled.

In response she giggled, glad that Marlie and Ben were spending the night with Xander's kids. And that Joyce was old enough to know when to stay in her room.

*

Joyce closed her door firmly when she heard the moan coming from the living room. She shook her head at the images that were rushing through her mind. But for the first time, a smile played around her lips.

There might be a sequel. So stay tuned.

Send feedback to Jill

Back to the Fanfiction Archive