Disclaimer: do I look like Joss Whedon? Or like Mutant Enemy or WB or any of the other companies involved in BtVS and Angel? See! So I don't own them and so please don't sue.Rating: PG-13Timeline: sometime after season 5 / season 2
Written in Angel's POV

Driving towards Sunnydale is something I didn't do very often in my life and yet I'd know this route with closed eyes. It's engraved in my heart because it leads to the only woman I ever loved, the only woman I ever wanted. And yet the feeling inside of me is new. Whenever I came here I knew it was only for some short, stolen moments, for a glimpse of her face, for some memories I would cherish and that would help me going on.

But today for the first time I feel hope. Which is ridiculous of course because she doesn't even know I'm coming. She doesn't know anything. And as a result I have not the slightest idea what's going to happen. I should be nervous, my heart should beat in my throat but all I can feel is peace.

Okay so maybe part of me not being nervous is the fact that her boyfriend left her and the reason why. Cordelia told me Riley felt that she didn't love him. She told me after my little interlude with Darla, just before I went to see Buffy in Sunnydale after her mom had died. I told myself I was going there to tell her I care, to hold her hand, to be her friend. Friend, ha! The moment I saw her, although she was sad and depressed ... all I could do was kiss her. I've never met another woman who did that to me and I doubt I ever will. After all I'm almost 250 years old, so I should know.

The way she responded to the kiss told me she still felt something for me and when she asked me to stay forever I knew. And that kept me going again. I knew that we'll always love each other, no matter what. Then she told me about Riley, about the demons she fought and I told her about mine. I even told her about Darla and she just held my hand and kissed my cheek in the end. And then she said something I will never forget as long as I might live, 'I'm so proud of you. You've become someone.' I thought my heart would burst with pride and love. She was proud of me. That's when I suddenly knew it was worth all the pain and heartache. We both have become self-confident individuals who believe in their strenght and themselves.

Maybe that's the reason I feel so good about what I'm doing now. We've both changed over the past two years, but it was for the better. We've both grown and we've both become adults. It's funny to say such a thing of myself, but I was so full of guilt and self-hatred that there was no room for my personality. As crazy as it sounds, I have to be grateful to Darla for it. She took my life a long time ago, but in that one night she gave it back to me in so many ways she'll never understand.

I still remember her expression of disbelief when she realised I hadn't reversed back into Angelus. And I remember the peace inside of me. The realisation that I was different. That I was much more than just a demon, that the soul inside of me wasn't weak but strong. Much stronger than I knew. I was strong enough to leave the path of destruction and self-pity and came out like a new man.

Obviously the PTB thought the same because now I am a new man, complete with hearbeat, breath and tolerance of sunlight. Or in short terms, I'm human. And that's the reason I'm on my way to her. I called her dorm, but she wasn't there, then I called her house, but her sister didn't know where she was and finally I called Giles. He wasn't there either, but I will go there now. It's shortly after dusk and I just assumed they'll all be there. *

The moment Giles opened his door I knew something was wrong. I didn't know what but something had happened. And I also knew it was about Buffy. "She isn't dead," I said instead of a greeting and the stunned expression on his face almost made me laugh.

"Hello, Angel," he said after a short moment and motioned me to come in. "No, she isn't dead," he told me while we went into his living room. "May I ask how you know?"

"I didn't," I replied and when he raised an eyebrow I explained, "I mean I didn't know something happened to her. But I know she's not dead because ... well, I'd know if her soul, her essence would leave this reality."

He seemed to study me for a long moment, then nodded. "Something is different about you," he said then.

"Uh ... yes," I said evasively. "But I'd rather tell Buffy first."

"Oh ... yes, of course. But maybe ..."

He didn't finish his sentence because the door opened again and there she was. I saw her eyes widen. Of course she didn't expect me. "Buffy."

"Angel."

I wondered if this might become our traditional manner of greeting. There's a special sound in saying the other's name, it's not a real greeting, it's more like a caress, it's just between us.

"I ... uhm ... better leave you on your own," Giles said and was already half-way up the stairs. "I need to read about this new demon anyway."

We both laughed a bit self-consciously, not quite sure what to say or who was to begin.

"What are you doing here?," she asked suddenly.

"I came to see you," I replied with a half-smile, "There's something I need to tell you."

"Oh, good, because there's something I need to tell you too," she said and there's a sadness in her eyes I haven't seen before. And then I saw her eyes widen all of a sudden and an expression of awe was written allover her face. Slowly, ever so slowly she came towards me and laid a hand over my heart. "Your heart," she whispered, "it's beating. You're human."

"Yes," I whisper back.

"How?," she demanded.

"It's my reward, my redemption. If I would work hard enough I would be given humanity in the end. Wesley found a prophecy some time ago, but honestly I didn't expect it to happen so soon. We all thought it might be in hundred years or more." I was so exited, so happy to tell her, so full of hope that I only now saw the silent tear slipping from her lashes. "Buffy?", I reached out for her but she stepped back.

"I'm so happy for you," she said while more tears were running down her face. "So very happy." And I know it's honest, I can see it in her eyes, she's happy for me, but the sadness didn't disappear either.

"Buffy?," I repeated softly. "What's wrong?"

She emphatically shook her head, "Nothing, everything's peachy." She sniffed and angrily wiped the tears away.

"Then why are you crying?," I asked. "Don't you realise what that means? There is finally a chance for ... for us." I smiled, "Of course it's up to you and I understand that you need time to think about it and ..."

"No," she interrupted me, "I don't need any time. There's nothing I need to think about it."

"Oh Buffy," I stepped closer but she backed away agian, holding her hands in front of herself.

"No," she repeated. "You don't understand." She looked up and her eyes locked with mine. "You might be human now, Angel. But ... but I'm ... I'm not."

I could all but stare at her. "Wh ... What do you mean?"

"I'm a vampire, Angel," her voice sounded harsh, angry, hurt and too many other things to name them all. "I'm a damn, bloodsucking vampire."

"No," I shook my head, not able to process what I knew was reality. Now that I looked closer I saw her unnaturally pale skin, the missing pulse at her throat, remembered the coolness of her hand that had been lying over my beating heart. My beating heart. "Oh God, Buffy," I managed to choke. With two steps I closed the distance between us and wrapped her in my arms. She struggled at first but then her arms came to encircle my waist and heavy sobs began to shake her tiny form. "Oh Buffy," I whispered and held her close.

*

It needed about ten minutes for her to calm down, then she slightly pulled back. Her eyes were bright and full of despair. "I'm sorry," she whispered and I knew she didn't mean the fact that my shirt was wet.

"How?," I asked.

She motioned for me to sit down and than did the same. "It happened a week ago," she explained. "I was on patrol and they were six. Obviously they thought it was quite funny to turn a slayer. I had no chance or maybe," she paused, "maybe I didn't fight enough. Maybe I just thought it would be so easy to let go, to leave all the pain and heartache behind me. Of course I didn't expect them to turn me and they didn't expect me to keep my soul. As soon as I woke up again I killed them all."

"Why ...," I had to clear my throat because my voice was like a rasp, "Why didn't you tell me immediately?"

She shrugged and her voice sounded like that of a little girl, "I was ashamed. Ashamed that I let them take me. You were so strong, you managed to overcome Darla and I...," she trailed off. The she took a deep breath, "And now you are human. It's a real joke, don't you think. If I ever get to see those powers I'll tell them they suck." She tried to sound funny but I could see her fighting tears again. "Obviously we're not meant to be, Angel."

"No," my answer was sharp, "I won't accept that."

"You have to accept that," she replied and her eyes narrowed, "There's nothing you can do. Giles has already tried everything he knows. This is permanent. It cannot be reversed. I'm a vampire and I'm going to stay one unless...," she trailed off again and we both knew what she was thinking. "But you know," she continued, "I even thought about it. Just going out into the sunlight," she shrugged, "I can't. I cannot give up. Not now. Now there's even more reason to fight evil. Because I can understand so many things now, things I never understood before and I know you understand it too."

"I do," I replied. "But Buffy, that doesn't mean we can't be together. You are not cursed. You just kept your soul."

"So you just left me because of the sex?," she mocked.

"No, of course not," I admitted. "But there is a difference. You were but 16 years old when we met. I am 250. Well, almost. I lived a long time and the decision I make is one of an adult, a very, very old adult. When I left you it was because I wanted you to live your life as normal as possible. I," I laughed, "I will never have a normal life. How could I, I will always live with my memories. They didn't just miraculously disappear the moment I turned human."

"What are you trying to say?," she asked.

"I'm saying that I want to be with you. I do not care that you are a vampire, I do not care that you can't go out in the sunlight, or that you can't have children."

"But I care," she cried and looked to the ground. "I care," she repeated in a whisper. "This is your redemtion, Angel," she said, "it's meant to be your chance for a normal life. You're not supposed to live with a vampire who will hold you back."

"Oh, Buffy," I stood and then kneeled down in front of her. "You never held me back or will do. You were the only reason for me to go on. Can't you see that I need you in my life? I'm in love with you, with *you*. With what you are, with what makes you so special and that's your soul. I feel it. I feel your soul," I laid my hand on her heart now, "I feel it in here. Beating or not," I looked up and smiled, "it doesn't matter. We both are meant to be. And besides," I joked, "it'll be mighty flattering to be with you when I'm old and wrinkly."

I could see the corners of her mouth twitch and then a laugh escaped her mouth, "They'll call you a cradle robber," she said and joy entered my heart. I knew she was coming around.

"And rightfully so," I told her, "But they'll also think he must be mighty good to hold her."

"Or mighty rich."

I laughed. This time it was genuine and happy and I could see her eyes lighten up. "So you will stay with me?," I asked. I needed to hear this, I needed to know.

"Alright," she replied, her voice still a bit shaky. "I always wanted it to perfect with you."

"It is," I whispered. "Not entirely, but the next best."

"And you won't miss children?," she asked.

"I won't lie," I answered. "I love children." She looked away again and I cupped her cheek to make her look at me again, "But the only woman I want children with is you. Without you I don't want them, Buffy. There's nothing in the world I want more than I want you. Do you believe me?"

Her eyes searched mine for a moment and then she nodded, "Yes. Oh Angel," she breathed and threw her arms around my neck. "I love you. God, I love you."

"And I love you. Stay with me. Live with me," I said. "Be my light."

"Yes," she replied, "oh, yes."

Rupert Giles was about to come down the stairs when he saw slayer-turned-vampire and ex-vampire in a tight embrace, their lips locked, their hands roaming and with a smile on his face he just turned and went back into his bedroom. Yes, he thought, everything would be alright.

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