Part 7

"Keep your little hands from the chocolate cake, do you hear me ... oh, Buffy, Ashlynn, David, hi," Anya turned around as soon as she'd seen who was at the door and hurried back to the kitchen, where she arrived just in time to prevent Matt from crawling onto the table to taste his brother's birthday cake. The boy cried in protest but his mother ignored him and put him down on the floor with a firm but gentle hand. Matt was more than a year younger than his brother and his lower lip began to tremble at the unfairness of life. There was something wonderful on the table and he couldn't understand why he had to wait for it.

Anya saw her son's expression and gave him a motherly smile, "Oh Mattie, you'll get something later on, I promise. Now go. Aunt Buffy has arrived and she's brought David."

Hearing the name of his best friend - his brother didn't count, because ever since Mark had understood that he would be four soon and for that *much* older he behaved as if his little brother was nothing to be bothered with anymore - so hearing about the arrival of David, Matt's face brightened and with a squeal he ran from the kitchen almost colliding with Buffy's son. The two little boys grinned at each other and then disappeared towards Matt's room.

Laughing and shaking her head Buffy entered the kitchen, "You have all my admiration, Anya. How do you manage to handle two of them and not go insane? For me David is enough, he's always so ... so active, when he isn't sleeping of course. I'm really grateful Ashlynn is almost nine and beyond the worst age. Sometimes she even likes to watch her brother."

The former demon shrugged but grinned, "Maybe I'm used to it. But I wouldn't exchange them for the world. Just to think that for 1100 years I thought vegance is the perfect job for me."

"Children really change perspectives, don't they," Willow said from the doorway. She and her life-partners had arrived ten minutes ago.

"You can say that," Buffy nodded, glad that Cordelia and with her a certain ex-vampire didn't seem to be around yet. She hadn't slept much the last night - and needed hours to make herself presentable - and for this there had been too much time to think about Angel for her comfort. The problem was, she still wasn't sure what to do. Not that she actually knew what he wanted, not from his mouth anyway.

"Mark seems to feel very grown up today," Willow interrupted her thoughts.

"Oh yeah," Anya grinned again. "And is driving everyone crazy with it, especially his brother. For about a week he's like 'you don't know that, you little boy'. At the beginning Matt cried, yesterday he hit his brother."

Buffy laughed, "They're really great kids," and with a wink towards the former witch she added, "Who would've thought that Xander would be able to produce something like that."

"Hey," the former demon protested in mocked annyoance. "It's my husband you are talking about. And besides, they have 50% from me!"

"That explains everything," Willow said and somehow kept a staight face. Rubbing her belly she smiled, "Talking about kids. I'm going to have another one."

"Willow!," Buffy hugged her best friend. "That's wonderful."

"Yeah," Anya agreed and gave the red-head a genuine smile.

"Thanks, we think the same. Tara and Oz are happy too. They can barely wait to see the first ultrasound pictures." The beam lit her whole face. It was certainly an unconventional relationship the three of them shared, but the radiant expression on Willow's face told everyone they were more than happy about it.

Buffy was about to ask how she would manage to contiue her business and a new baby when the doorbell rang. The ex-slayer tensed immediately and she gave Willow a grateful smile when the red-head took her hand and squeezed it. "It's going to be okay," she whispered. Buffy took a deep breath. Come on Summers, she told herself, you can do this.

***

Xander grinned at Cordelia, Gunn and Angel who stood a bit behind the others and shifted the little girl he was holding to hook her on his hip. "Hi," he greeted them. "This is Ellie," he introduced the girl to the ex-vampire who'd never seen her so far. "She's Willow's. Come in, come in," he stepped back and closed the door when his guests had entered.

"Everyone's already there," he explained. "So be aware of little feet and hands, when he led them towards the living-room where Oz and Tara were playing with the other kid of the trio. "And that's Amy." He put Ellie on her father's lap and turned to the three from L.A. "I think with this ... oh, I forgot," he smiled when he saw a blonde head looking around the corner. "This is Ashlynn," he pointed at the door. "She is Buffy's daughter."

Angel turned slowly and still he wasn't prepared for this smaller edition of the woman he loved. Ashlynn was a beautiful girl and you could already see she would be the image of her mother. Her hazel eyes were bright and smiling, her blonde curls had the same length as Buffy's when he'd first met her.

Angel swallowed hard and quickly glanced at Cordelia whose hand was laying on his arm comfortingly. She gave him an understanding smile and he had problems to suppress the tears welling up in his eyes. She was all he had ever dreamt of and the emotions overwhelmed him. She wasn't his daughter of course, but somehow that wasn't important at all. She was Buffy's and just for this he loved her.

"Hi Ashlynn," he greeted chokingly.

"Hi," she smiled back and then with a question in her eyes turned towards Xander

"This is Angel, Ashlynn, he's a friend of your...," mother he had started to say, but suddenly his voice became much warmer and he said instead, "he is a friend. Our friend."

A giggle escaped the girl's mouth, "Your name is really Angel?" she asked.

The former vampire managed a nod, he was beyond words. Xander's last statement had done the rest to make his throat tighten with emotions.

"Nice," she commented. "I have to go now, see you later?"

"Sure," he replied, glad his voice was working again.

"Now," Xander rubbed his hands. "Everyone is here and I'm really hungry. Aren't you Mark?" he turned towards his son, who was sitting on a huge chair and smiling royally, perfectly aware of the fact that this was his day. So he suppressed a squeal of delight by the thought of chocolate cake and just nodded.

Xander bit his lower lip when he exchanged a glance with the adults in the room and saw Tara press a fist on her mouth to stop a giggle. "Anya, honey. We're all here now. How about the cake," he asked walking towards the kitchen

"Coming soon," she replied. "We don't need you. Willow and Buffy are with me in here and I have enough hands." There was a hidden warning in the words and turning back to his friends Xander explained, "She's always afraid I'm going to taste the cake. Me and Matt are much alike in this. Speaking of the younger Harris," he looked around, then remembered he'd seen two boys disappear just before, "Matt, David, it's time for the cake!"

Only seconds later two little bundles came racing into the living-room, one stopped dead in tracks seeing the strangers there, the other hurled himself into Angel's arms. "Uncle Angel, uncle Angel," he sequealed in delight. Over the past year the ex-vampire had become one of his favourite grown-ups. Seeing his best friend so friendly with the dark-haired man, David cautiously stepped closer.

Mark narrowed his eyes from his spot on the chair, "It's not your birthday you know," he hissed at his brother.

Matt stuck out his tongue, but otherwise ignored his older brother completely. The situation was saved as the Anya, Buffy and Willow entered the room with the cake and plates.

"Hi," the former demon just said while Willow gave the newly arrived guests a warm smile. Buffy nodded at Gunn and Cordelia but avoided looking at Angel, suddenly wishing she was anywhere but here.

She felt his presence in every fiber of her body and wasn't so sure anymore that she could survive the day without embarrassing herself again. And this time it was even worse because today her children were here and she didn't want them see her mother screaming and running away.

"Hi Buffy," Cordelia raised an eyebrow at the ex-slayer's attitude but didn't comment it.

"Cordy, I thought you'd be on a honeymoon by now," she replied wincing slightly at the harsh sound of her voice. Nice move, Summers, show everyone how much this affects you. Get a hold on yourself, you're 31 years old. But there was no way to deny it. With Angel around she felt like 16 allover again.

The former vampire immediately sensed how uncomfortable she was around him and busied himself with Matt who was smiling happily. "How are you partner?" he asked and tried to ignore the butterflies in his stomach. She was so near, he could almost reach out and touch her, but she'd never seemed more away from him as right in this moment. Why on earth had he allowed Cordelia to convince him to come. He should've known that it would only distress Buffy. It couldn't have been more clear that she didn't want him around. But it was too late now. He couldn't just leave, Matt was excited about his visit and that alone was enough even if he would forget about the fact that Cordelia and Gunn wouldn't have a car for the drive back if he'd go now.

He closed his eyes for a second, then took a deep breath, summoned all his strength,plastered a smile on his face and took the plate Willow handed him.

Part 8

"Anyone coffee?" Anya looked around and when she saw them all nod she stood and disappeared in the kitchen.

Mark had unwrapped his presents and all the chocolate remains had been washed from the children's faces. Now David and Matt were sleeping together with Ellie and Amy, while Mark had insisted that now - being a year older and almost grown up - he would stay awake and play with Ashlynn what the girl had acknowledged with a groan. She was really looking forward to play with a "baby".

During unwrapping presents and eating cake the adults had chatted, of course not about stories from times when demons and vampires had been roaming the earth as long as the children were around, but there were other things, stories of the kids, of families, husbands and more. Buffy had laughed and smiled and ignored him.

Angel felt left out. Sure the others - exept Buffy - did their best to include him, but he couldn't help but feel he didn't belong here. So he had smiled from time to time, even laughed sometimes, but now that the children had left the room he was surprised none of the others could see the tension radiating from him. To get away for a moment he excused himself for the bathroom and breathed deeply in relief when he closed the door behind his back.

Leaning against the door he closed his eyes and tried to relax. He had to get out of here, away from Buffy, the sooner the better. He would just go back into the living-room and explain that he'd forgotten all about an urgent date and that he had to get back to L.A. in time. Yes, that was a good idea, he nodded to himself and with this firmly in his head opened the door.

On his way back he heard Anya clattering with cups in the kitchen and maybe it was his 18th century upbringing, but he couldn't just pass by and not ask if she needed any help. So instead of directly walking towards the living-room, he turned for the kitchen only to freeze in the doorway.

"Can I ... Buffy," he said staring at the blonde standing at the coffee machine.

She turned and looked at him, but didn't say a word.

"I ... I'm sorry, I ... I thought it was Anya ..., sorry," he murmured and was about the leave when her voice stopped him.

"Angel, wait."

Slowly he turned back to her, not sure what to say and then decided for "I am really sorry." When she didn't interrupt him, he continued, "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, you have to belive me. But Cordelia and Xander both insisted I had to come. I knew it was a fault. But I was about to leave anyway. So ...," he swallowed, "... don't worry, I won't get you in another situation like this. After all you made it perfectly clear last time we saw each other that you don't want me around."

"Oh, Angel." Her reply was somewhere between a laugh and a sob. She shook her head, "Last time ... I was just surprised, angry ... I don't know. I said a lot of things. Maybe it's because I got my final divorce papers only two weeks before and hated the fact that I made a mess of my marriage," she shook her head again, "I don't know. But believe me that I didn't mean half of it."

He winced slightly thinking at her outburst, "So you meant the other half?," he tried to joke.

One corner of her mouth twitched at his remark, "Yeah, well, there's some unresolved issues between the two of us, you cannot deny that."

"No," he said with a sigh. "Certainly not."

"But that's," she motioned around with her hand, "not the place to talk about it. And, well...," she bit her lower lip. "I thought a lot about you ... us ... since I ran from the hotel last week. Angel," she studied his face for a moment and then decided to jump into the cold water. The whole afternoon she had watched him with her friends, with the children. He had changed so much, he was laughing, he was joking but the longer the day went the more quiet he'd become. And now she wondered if it was for her. She had pushed him away in L.A. and now it was for her to make the first step, and she had suddenly decided that he was worth the risk. "What I want to know is, what do you want from me?"

The question hit him completely unprepared. He had expected a lot, but certainly not this bluntness. "What ...," he had to clear his throat, because his voice was only a choke, "what do you mean?"

"What I mean?" she laughed slightly and then just blurted out, "I mean are you still interested in me? Because I have to know that. Because I still can't think straight when you're around, because my knees turn to mush when you are near and I decided last night that trying to be friends won't work for us. At least not from my side. So it's all or nothing and I want to know what you want." She paused for a moment, then turned away and groaned, "And now I've completely embarrassed myself."

"No," he replied softly, but didn't move, too afraid this was just a dream. "No you have not. But you see me stunned. I mean after L.A. I was sure there wasn't a chance that ... and now you ..." he paused helplessly and looked at her.

Taking a deep breath she turned to him again, "Just blame it on me," she smiled. "I'm really sending out mixed signals, ain't I?"

"Buffy," the way he said her name made her heart beat faster. "I know you are scared and uncertain and ... hell, these are my feelings as well. We haven't seen each other for a long time. We lived different lifes, but ... maybe if you would allow me to see you, if we could talk and get to know each other again ... all I want is to try to show you that it could work between us." He paused and swallowed, seeing the weary look on her face, "But I also understand if you don't want it. I've already been the cause of enough pain in your life, so I ..."

"Yes," she interrupted him.

"What?," was this his voice that sounded so breathless.

"I ..." she blinked away the tears forming in her eyes, "I would like that. Seeing you, talking to you." Then a stern expression appeared in her eyes, "there's a lot we have to talk about."

"Yeah," he agreed.

"And there a many things you have to explain to me."

"Yes."

"So," for the first time a smile crept upon her lips, "why don't you just come around for lunch tomorrow. David will be home, but taking a nap and  Ashlynn's at a friend tomorrow afternoon. So we won't be almost on our own. That is, if you don't have anything else to do."

"No," he replied quickly, the excitement clearly audible in his voice. They both had to laugh at that and Angel realised that he was blushing.

"It's nice," she pointed at his face. "Colour in your face. It's unfamiliar to me. I still remember you all pale and timeless," her voice sounded sad.

"That's just one of the things we can talk about. Tomorrow." He gave her a half-smile. "And I'd like to get to know your kids ... only if you're alright with it of course."

"Sure," she nodded. "You're good with kids. Matt adores you and Ellie was already flirting with you."

"She was not," he replied.

"Was too," she insisted. "But that's not surprising. You're still the most attractive man I know ... uhm ... I mean ...," she broke off and looked to the ground.

"And you're still the most beautiful woman I know," he said softly taking away her embarrassment. Her head shot up, "Really?" It was suddenly very important that this was true.

"Really," he nodded honestly and she knew he meant it.

Their gazes locked and they stared at each other, drinking in each others eyes. It had been so long that they had been allowed to do this without the feeling it was something forbidden.

Then they both broke eye-contact, realising that this wasn't the time and place to go any further and that it was too much, too soon. Smiling a bit sheepishly at him, Buffy said, "So tomorrow then?"

"Tomorrow." He confirmed and smiled back.

*****

In the hallway Xander and Cordelia stood grinning at each other. The former cheerleader held up and hand, "Give me five partner. I think it's working fine now."

"I just hope you are right and nothing goes wrong this time, because I'm not sure they could stand it," he said and prayed that whatever gods were listening would held their hands over Buffy and Angel.

Part 9

When Angel finally stood at Buffy's doorstep the next day, his heart was beating frantically in his chest and he was so nervous he didn't know where to put his trembling hands. This is just a friendly date, he told himself, but of course it was in vain. And whom was he kidding anyway, this was about seeing Buffy and that made it the most important date in his life. It could probably decide his future.

Cordelia had smiled at him before she and Gunn had gone away for five days. Gunn had insisted on the honeymoon and simply declared he would go on his own and that Angel was a grown-up man who could handle his love-life on his own. So she had grumpily agreed, but hadn't gone off without telling Angel that she would hunt him down if he should mess this up.

Taking a deep breath he reached out and pressed the doorbell at Buffy's apartment and soon her voice was to be heard from the inside, it sounded stern and then the door opened. She smiled at him, her face a bit flushed, "Oh, hi Angel. You're early." She glanced over her shoulder. Not really knowing what to think about it, Angel took a step back, "I ... uh ... can come later if it's better."

"No," she opened the door a bit wider and shook her head, "no need. I just try to get my son to take his nap and he isn't very cooperative today." She pointed at her hair, "just look at me, I'm a mess. The bath he took some minutes ago was more like a water-fight. But do come in."

When he entered the apartment he saw David's face appear behind Buffy and the boy giggled.

Buffy spun around and held up a finger, "You go now, young man or we will have a problem with each other."

"Momma," his voice was pleading. "I'm no tired."

"That's not tired but you will go to bed anyway." She pointed towards his bedroom, "Now!"

"Momma, please," he pouted and looked at Angel, hoping the new guest, the man he had already seen yesterday would make all the difference. He was Matt's friend and David liked him as well, so maybe ...

"Sorry partner," Angel gave him an apologetic smile, "but this is with your mom."

"Go, now," Buffy repeated.

When his bottom lip began to tremble, the ex-vampire said, "What if I would read you a story while your mom makes some coffee for us," he quickly glanced at the blonde to see if she was okay. Relieved he realised she was smiling.

"Yeah," David squealed happily. "Okay momma?"

"Yes, okay," she agreed. "But one story only. Is that clear?"

"Come on, partner, one story. Show me the way." Giving Buffy a quick grin he followed David into the bedroom and looking at his retreiving back the former slayer suddenly knew that she'd fallen in love with him allover again.

**

"You're even better with kids than I thought," Buffy smiled at Angel over the rim of her cup. "David usually needs some time to open up to strangers."

The ex-vampire shrugged, "I like children."

"Yeah, one can see that. So," she made, changing the subject. "Cordy and Gunn are off on their honeymoon?"

"Gunn threatened to file for a divorce if she wouldn't go, or worse, go on his own to Vegas and date all the girls there," he laughed and Buffy's heart melted at the unfamiliar sound. Of course she had heard him laugh like this before, during 24 hours that were taken away from her, that she only knew from a very disturbing dream.

Angel saw her frowning and put his cup down, "Buffy? Are you alright?"

"Sorry," she looked up. "I was just ... I was thinking about the day the Oracles turned back."

The smile instantly disappeared from his face. "I see," was all he replied. "I ..," he started to say, but she interrupted him.

"No, please let me first. When I told you I was angry with you for it, it was only partially true. I'm not angry for taking the day back to save my life. God, how could I when the sacrifice was your own. Nobody ever did something like that for me."

"I'd do it again in an instant," he said and she knew it was the truth. It was written in his eyes.

"Yeah ... well," she cleared her throat, "but I was angry because you didn't ask me first and kept it from me after."

"I know," he replied. "But when I went to the Oracles I never thought they would turn back the day. I thought ...," he shook his head, "I guess I didn't know what was going to happen. I went there to ask about the consequences of me being human. And they told me you would die. So I asked them to turn me back that I would be strong enough to fight by your side in the final battle and the only way they could offer was to turn back time. It was the hardest decision I ever made in my life.

"And I was thinking about telling you, you have to believe me, but then you were crying in my arms, asking me how to go on with your life knowing what could've been. So I thought it was for the best you'd never know. Maybe it was wrong, but I can't change it anymore." He watched her face for a moment and then asked, "When did you get that special memory?"

"Two weeks after the hellmouth was closed," she answered. She looked into her cup and added silently, "After that my marriage broke apart."

"I'm sorry," he said softly.

"No," she glanced at him quickly, "if I'm honest with myself I have to admit that Brent and I were never rally meant to be. But when I first started having doubts, Ashlynn was only two months old, so we tried to make it work and Brent was in love with me. So I smiled and tried to be a good wife for him. And for some years we were quite happy."

"I know," was all he replied and she realised that she'd never been out of his thoughts. This knowledge wrapped itself like a warm blanket around her heart.

"Angel," her voice suddenly sounded urgent. "There's one thing I need to know, one thing that always bothered me."

"Ask."

"Why didn't you call me when you became human? I understand that you didn't tell me about the Shansu-prophecy, because nobody could tell you when it was going to happen, but then you were. Human, I mean, and still you didn't call."

"You were married, Buffy," he said slowly, "Cordelia told me there were problems in your relationship with Brent and I started to hope, thought about going to seeyou, but it wouldn't have been fair. I didn't want you to make a decision only because I was human and ... available." He paused and then added, his voice barely above a whisper, "And I thought you loved him."

"Oh."

"Yeah," he continued. "So I stayed away and about six months later I met Anna. We were only dating, it was nothing serious and I was still hoping ... well, but then one day Cordelia told me you were having another baby." He raised his head from the coffee-cup and looked her in the eye, "Two weeks later I married Anna."

Silence settled over the room while his words sunk in. Buffy suddenly understood what had driven him to marry a woman he obviously never loved. "I'm sorry," she whispered after a while. "When I heard that you were human it threw me. I waited and waited that you would call, but you never did. Brent and I were on the crossroads and when I didn't hear from you, I thought I just wans't important enough for you anymore and gave in to his idea to have another baby. Needless to say that it wasn't working."

A harsh sound escaped his mouth when he stared at her, "Not important enough," he echoed, unable to progress her words. "God, Buffy, I you knew ..." he shook his head and let out an unhappy laugh, "you were everything to me. All my life it seems I've been waiting for you," he stood up and began to pace the room. "When Whistler showed you to me all these years ago it was like a blow in my gut. Your smile, your heart ... it turned my life upside down. I was a homeless man in New York, living off the rats in the streets, but suddenly I had a purpose in my life."

He paused and looked at her again, "Falling in love with you ... it happened so fast and hard ... I was right in the middle before I even realised what had happened. And I was so blinded by love that I made myself believe it could work between us ... then came your 17th birthday, I lost my soul and the harsh reality came crushing down on us."

He flinched when he felt her hand touching his arm and she quickly pulled it back. He hadn't even realised she had stood up and walked towards him. "It was the same for me," she admitted. "When I found out you were a vampire it was already too late. And none of my friends could understand what had happened. After all I was just 16 and not supposed to fall in love like that. They all thought it was just a teenage crush that would fade." Now she laughed unhappily, "They had no idea."

"None at all," he agreed, but didn't turn to her.

"I was so angry when you left me," her voice was quiet but there was no accusation in it, "but I know you did it for me. So that I could have what you couldn't offer me."

"It broke my heart, Buffy," he admitted. "But I'm still glad I did it. It gave you the oportunity to have children, to have a family. To live a life as normal as possible."

There was another silence, both knew his words were true and Buffy couldn't tell him that she would've been happy without her children. She loved them so much, a life without them she didn't want to begin to imagine, if he'd stayed they both would probably never been born. But another thought entered her mind, "You love children very much, don't you?" she asked.

"Yeah," he replied.

"But you and your wife didn't have any, did you?"

"No," his answer was surprisingly sharp and he walked away from her, needing distance.

"Was it because you didn't love her?" she asked and then quickly added, "I know I have absolutely no right to ask this, it's just ... well, I can't really understand ..."

"It's okay," he turned back to her, his voice soft. "The answer to your first question - if it even was one - no, I didn't love Anna. We were attracted to each other, but there was never love between us. I already told you why I married her. About kids," he ran a hand through his hair, "she wanted a baby, but we found out I couldn't have any. There's no medical explanation for it, so I just assume it's a side effect of having been a vampire for over 200 years, maybe not everything was restored when I finally was made human." Suddenly he shrugged, "But then it's maybe better that way, what kid would like a father with a past like mine."

Her heart broke for him in that moment. This man had suffered so much in his life and still he was accepting any sort of punishment, was even able to find a reason in his infertility. "Oh Angel," she said, suppressing the threatening tears. "I'm sorry."

"Hey," he tried a smile and was glad it worked. "I'm okay with it. There's nothing one can do. I just have to accept it." He took a deep breath and then told her, "In the end she took it as a reason to file for a divorce. But we agreed on it and for this special case I'm even glad. To have a baby for all the wrong reasons would've been a disaster. This way we parted as friends. She is married again and I hope she's happy."

"I'm still sorry," she insisted. "You would be a wonderful father. Just think the way you are with Matt or with David today. He already adores you."

Now was the moment, he realised. He had to ask the question he been trying to avoid. Angel gathered all his courage and asked, "Well, I could maybe read stories more often to him if I'm going to see his mom on a regular basis, which I would like very much. That is, if you would like it?"

His voice was full of uncertainty and hope and if Buffy hadn't already realised it, now she would've certainly known that she was lost. She was right in the middle of the cold water and all she could do now was swim and hope he wouldn't let her drown. She would have to trust him and all of a sudden it wasn't difficult at all. The way they had talked, the way his eyes were resting on her, it wasn't really much of choice. So she walked over to him and put a hand on his arm. When his eyes were finally looking into hers she whispered, "I would like that very much"

Go to Part 10