Disclaimer: sigh, still don't own them, so don't sue. "One in a Million" is a song I just heard and it fits. I'm not sure who sings it, but I want to state it isn't mine too.
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: B/A - well kinda
Category: Angst, Romance
Spoilers: the whole B/A-cannon; and the first story called "Without You" - you should read that first to understand this.
Summary: the battle is overTimeline: five years after "Without You"
Dedication: to Caroline, Ryann, naughty angel, Aimee, Talor, Sara-Lee, Joanna, Robin who were begging for a sequel. And especially to Mariah who is celebrating her birthday today. Hugs and many happy Angels.Oh, and of course to Aisha, who didn't like the angst of the first part! Sorry, but there's more angst to come.

WARNING, CONTAINS ANGST!!!!!

Buffy's POV

The night is warm and calm. It's a full moon and I'm sitting on the beach, my bare feet burried in the warm sand, the waves of the ocean rolling in gently. Peace is surrounding me, peace that's almost unfamiliar to me. After years of war, years of fighting, fire, death and loss I can barely believe this moment's real.

I look up to the moon and the stars and feel my eyes water. I still haven't given up hope. I still imagine him sitting somewhere on this planet, watching the same moon, the same sky, thinking about me. By now I'm used to the pityful glances Giles and Xander are giving me all the time and of course the rational me knows the truth, but some other part, a part I keep hidden most of the time because it makes me vulnerable, believes. Wants to believe, doesn't want to give up hope.

Glancing down at the child whose head is resting in my lap I know I've kept the promise I gave him that night. To try to live my life full and happy. Well, maybe not happy-happy, but I'm doing alright. This little girl is the living proof that I haven't given up and I hope wherever he is, he sees us now. I would have given the world to make her his. Angel's and my daughter, but of course that was never in the book.

I didn't even know her father very well. We met towards the end of the final battle. It was short, desperate and passionate. He died the day after, never knowing he had left me a final gift I will cherish as long as I live. Aileen is my very own little miracle, one reason that made me go on, one reason I never gave up. She's so full of life, of laughter and she loves me so completely.

I laugh inwardly, thinking back to a night where I told Angel I never wanted to have kids. I probably even believed it that night, but now I don't want to imagine my life without her, my little miracle.

"Mommy," her sleepy voice reaches my ears.

"What is my sweet?"

"I love you, mommy."

"I love you too," I reply and stroke her head. She sighs and snuggles deeper into my arms, closing her eyes again, trusting me completely.

Can you see us, Angel, I ask silently and look at the moon again. Can you see us? Do you see that we are happy? That we made it through all this fire and terror and that something so sweet came out of it? I know he would smile seeing us like this and it fills my heart with warmth. His smiles were so rare and for that the more precious.

I hear a noise behind me and then Willow plopps down beside me into the warm sand. "Heavy thoughts?," she asks.

"Not really," I reply, quickly glancing at her. "I was watching the moon and the stars. It's so peaceful out here."

"You were thinking about him again," she says and it's not a question. My red-headed friend had the same pityful look the others still have but over the months she began to understand. "Maybe," she adds, "he's really out there somewhere. So many things have changed, maybe he just hasn't found a way to contact you."

I have to smile at her words. It's been three years since the last battles were fought. "Yes maybe," I say, "I know you understand. You're the only one."

"I do," she reaches out and takes my hand. "It's about keeping up hope."

"Yes, it is," I reply, "Giles and Xander probably think I'm not quite right in my head anymore, but I need this. I need the hope, the possiblity."

"I know," Willow lets go of my hand and leans back on her ellbows, her protruding stomach visible in the moonlight. "Hope is what keeps us going on. Giles and Xander cannot understand because they are rational people, no dreams, no ... phantasies. They live in the real world." She pauses for a moment, then adds, "Not that we don't, but we both believe in the impossible. We always did. It's the reason you survived."

"I miss him, Will. There's not one minute I don't miss him. The others think it makes me sad, they don't understand it's what keeps me going. Thinking about his lips on mine, his hands stroking my hair, his smile, his eyes. A week ago Xander said he wished I'd never met him at all."

"He'll never understand," Willow replies quickly and I smile.

"No, he won't," I agree. "He cannot see that I wouldn't trade this for anything. It might hurt, hurt so much that I sometimes think I can't breathe, but what would we be without it?"

"Love is all life is about," she says after a moment of silence. "Maybe the battles taught us this." She shruggs, "I don't know. But when Oz finally came back for good all I could do was open my arms for him. And I've never been so happy before," she gently strokes her belly, then looks at Aileen, "She's such a darling."

"Oh yeah," I reply follwing her eyes. "Giles always has that sad look when he gazes at her, you know, as if I've lost another thing in my life. Of course he thinks of her father. He can't understand that even if he was alive we wouldn't be together now. We met that one night and it happened. I'm sad he died, but I don't miss him. So when I look at Aileen all I feel is love and joy and I like to think of her as Angel's. I really like that thought."

"Giles has the bad habit to see the glasses half-empty," Willow laughs a little bit, "And Xander too. For all his bright-side attitude he really is a pessimist. They both are. You shouldn't let their attitudes make you feel sad."

"I don't," I tell her. "I'm grateful for every minute Angel and I spent together and I will cherish the last hours we had in that old house for eternity. They all think it's not healthy to dwell on him for so long. But they will never understand. He is the one. He is the one in a million, my soulmate. I cannot replace him with the second best. I once tried, even twice, and both times were disasters."

"Yeah," Willow agrees. "I know what you mean."

"These evenings with the full moon smiling down on me are very special," I say after another slience. "It's as if I'm connected to him and I'm happy. It's almost as if can reach out and touch him. Xander and Giles may think it's crazy, but I feel whole out here."

"Buffy," she sits up again and looks at me, "it's not important what they say. The only thing that counts is you. Don't try to make them happy. I know they care for you and they are worried because you're not dating although you're still young. If you're happy like this - and I can see you are - then it's enough. Don't let them push you, just because it makes *them* feel better." With a final nod and another smile she gets up and walks back to the house. The one Aileen and I share with her and Oz.

I look up to the moon again and and smile. I know it might be my imagination but I could've sworn it was winking at me.

Go to the next story You Are the One

Send feedback to Jill

Back to the Fanfiction Archive