Disclaimer: let me check ... nope, still don't own them. Sigh! Parts of this is taken from the Buffy-season-5 episode "The Replacement" and from the Angel-season-2-episode "First Impressions"
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: B/A, B/R and the usual pairings from the show
Distribution: my site (http://www.never-ending-love.de), Land of Denial, if you have any of my stories, take it; anybody else tell me where it goes
Summary: Set after "The Replacement" and "First Impressions". Again Buffy needs someone to talk to. This is set into cannon, in an attempt to make the whole series more B/A-friendly. But don't expect too many smootchies!
Spoilers: the whole B/A-cannon to be sure, follows loosely "Midnight Angel" and "Midnight Whispers". You should probably read it to understand this. And you should have seen season 5/2 or you won't know what they're talking about.
Feedback: oh yes, please
Dedication: this goes to all of you who sent such great feedback. Thanks so much!

He was reluctant to wake up, feeling weary in the harsh reality, feeling lost and lonely without her touch. It had been warm, comforting.

Blinking his blurry eyes, Angel rubbed his forehead and groaned slightly. Something was happening to him. At the moment he wasn't quite sure if it was good or bad.

It felt good.

When he slept.

As soon as he was awake he felt not quite like himself. He couldn't forget his weakness in fighting the vampires. That was definitely *not* good, and he couldn't shake off the feeling that his strange dreams were part of the problem.

Darla.

He hadn't thought about her for a long time. If he was completely honest, he had forgotten about her long ago. Although that wasn't entirely true. You didn't just forget about the person who changed you into a vampire. No, sir. Not very likely. They had spent a long time together, had shared great adventures. If you were a soulless vampire of course, and didn't care about dead bodies and tortured souls.

Groaning again, Angel rose from his bed and pulled on his pants. Running a hand through his unruly hair, he fished for his shoes beneath his bed and managed to slip into a sweater in the process. The dreams were getting addictive. And addiction, that he knew for sure, was never good.

Walking down the stairs a smile lit up his face when he saw the "e-mail"-sign on the computer standing there. It was new and shiny and David Nabbit's last present to the agency. Angel grinned inwardly thinking about the computer wizard and multi-millionaire. At least there were some people who got a kick out of the demon hunting business. Not that he hated it, not really. But sometimes, only here and there, he wished he could leave everything behind and ...

No, those thoughts led nowhere. He had to stop now, or he might go mad. Wishing for the impossible didn't do any good either.

Sighing, he pulled out a chair and sat down in front of the monitor. Clicking on the sign the screen opened and he smiled seeing the expected message.

'Hi, Angel,' it said, and his smile widened. It was so much like Buffy. They'd written several e-mails since her last visit to L.A. and their talk on the roof of the Hyperion hotel. They had called too, but the e-mails were more frequent and easier for communication. A phone call could reach you at a bad time, like, say, while fighting a demon. Or other ... activities ... in Buffy's case, Angel didn't want to think of.

For a moment he closed his eyes trying to push away the upcoming images of a naked Buffy in Riley's arms. He knew he had no right to think that way. He had left her. He had even told her that Riley was a good guy, despite the fact that Angel wanted to go there and rip the ex-commando's throat out for touching what was his.

Looking back at the screen he forced his mind back to Buffy's e-mail.

'I hope this mail reaches you in good health. Insert - imagine me chuckling now', she wrote, and Angel chuckled himself. 'Of course you are fine. You are a vampire after all. They don't get ill. Not regularly at least. And I know you aren't dust because Wesley just called Giles about an hour ago and told him you were all alive and kicking. Seems even Cordelia is less annoying these days. I admit it's hard to believe, but I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.'

Angel chuckled again and leaned back, making himself more comfortable in front of the computer.

'Wesley told Giles he made you wear a pink helmet. Poor baby. I can just imagine you, getting all annoyed and ... well, I'm grinning now.'

The vampire groaned, but another chuckle came out of his mouth.

'We had quite some action here. Accidently Xander got split up. Into two halves. It was way weird. But also a bit funny. You wouldn't believe, how much alike those two were. Thanks to Will, we have Xander back. And frankly, one of them is enough.'

Smiling, Angel could only agree. True, he had learned to tolerate Xander over the years, but the idea of two of them ... no, one was definitely enough.

'Wesley told Giles you saved Gunn's life. Good for you. I'm glad you're doing what you're doing. I have no idea how it feels to live with the kind of memory you have, but I can understand how good it feels to help people, especially friends. And with the kind of super-powers we both have, you feel twice responsible. Although sometimes, well, I suppose you know, it feels lonely. I'm always their anchor. Their knight in shining armor. But none of them ever asks me how I'm dealing with this.

Gee, I'm getting sidetracked now. I didn't write to pour out my soul in front of you. Although - and that really makes me think - you're the only one who's able to understand. And who will listen. Especially now.

Giles is so caught up with his magic shop, Willow's all witchy and lovey-dovey with Tara, while Xander is, well, Xander. Anya is more bearable these days, but still struggles with being human and mortal. Dawn is just my little sister, and Mom's busy with the gallery. And Riley...

God, here I go again. Whining in front of you about Riley. But, again, you're the only one I have.

He's afraid for me, you know. I mean he doesn't always say it to me, but I can se it. The way he looks at me. The way he touches ...uhm ... I suppose, you don't want to hear that. In a nutshell, I feel it. He insists that he loves me the way I am, but I cannot shake off doubts. Does he really love me?

You know, the demon, who split up Xander, actually wanted to split up me. Into a human Buffy, and the slayer. So I keep asking myself. Would Riley have preferred me? Just me. Buffy Summers. Not the slayer. He says, no. But I don't really believe him. How am I supposed to deal with that?

It's kinda weird. And don't understand me wrong. I'm not searching for that kind of ... relationship Anya and Xander have. But I actually found myself envying them. They are so not-complicated with each other. They just know they like each other. The way they are. I even think, Xander truly loves her. And Anya, in her weird way, loves him too.

And so I'm asking myself. Is this relationship Riley and I have, is it healthy? Is it normal? Or am I just holding on to something that won't last?'

Angel looked up from the screen for a moment and frowned. What was happening there? Were Riley and Buffy about to split up? The ex-commando's attitude was bothering her, that much was pretty obvious. Had been pretty obvious already the day she'd come to L.A.

Angel didn't like it. This relationship was meant to be her anchor to the normal world. A boyfriend who was backing her up, listened to her, helped her, understood her, and kept her in the light. Instead Riley caused deep, dark thoughts, was disturbing her concentration. She didn't need that. Something like that could get her killed.

Gazing back at the computer, he read on. 'When Giles told us about this new demon, the one that split up Xander, he was like 'He threatens Buffy? Tell me where I can find him? I'll kill him.' So I wonder, is he really able to deal with the fact that I'm stronger than he? That, if it comes to it, I'm the one to protect him, and not the other way around?

And there is another thing. Something I didn't dare to admit before. Something I wanted to deny. But it's the truth, and I need to tell someone. And of course there's only you - again. We were cleaning out Xander's room. He lived in his parents' basement and he just rent a new apartment. So Riley and I were helping him to carry the heavy stuff, boxes, stuff, you know.

Anyways. Just when I was about to go inside again, I heard him talking to Xander. How lucky he was that he had me. How great he felt, in a nutshell, how much he loved me. And ... and then he said, that he knew I didn't love him.

Huh, you will probably say now. But the simple truth is, he's right. I don't love him. And believe me, I did want it. Love him, you know. I tried, and tried. But it never happened. I don't know why, but I can guess. And the answer is pretty simple in fact. You know too, don't you? Why I wasn't able to love him.

Maybe I should've just gone inside then, looked at him, and told him he was right and that he should go and find another girl. A girl who's able to give him what he deserves. Someone who truly loves him. But of course I didn't. In true Buffy fashion, I bailed from the harsh reality. I just went in, kissed him, and acted as if nothing had happened. I'm getting good at that by the way.

I'm not ready to give him up. Yes, I don't love him. And yes, I know this won't last. But if he leaves, I'm on my own again. And yeah, I know that sounds weird, regarding all the stuff I've written before. But I know you understand. You once said that loneliness was the scariest thing.

But do you know what's really weird? Writing this e-mail to you, I feel closer to you, knowing you understand, than I feel with Riley sitting next to me. Still, he feels good at my side. At least I'm not alone. When I reach out my hand there's someone beside me. It's comfortable, and yeah, it sounds awful, but ... God, I hope you understand. And I hope you won't despise me for it. Because at the moment, I think I'm an awful person.

Have to go now. Promised Giles to help him in the Magic Box. He's really getting obsessed with it these days. Be well. Miss you.

Buffy'

Angel stared at the computer for a long time after finishing her mail. He'd always known it. Deep inside, he'd felt it. She'd never loved Riley. Not now, nor had she when she'd come to L.A. following Faith. She'd lashed out then, trying to hurt him, not able to deal with the situation. It was so typical for her. It was just the way she was.

Slowly he lowered his head and rested the forehead against the warm surface of the screen. For a moment it was almost as if her warm hand was touching him and he closed his eyes. Gone were the images of Darla. He didn't feel weary anymore.

He took a deep unnecessary breath. Yes, he knew why she didn't love Riley. And yes, he understood. Because he was feeling it too.

"I miss you too, my love," he whispered into the darkness.

Yes, he understood. Only too well.

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