DISCLAMER: I know nothing, If I did Buffy would at least of mentioned Angel by name at the end of the last eppy (not saying why for those that want to know)
DISTRIBUTION: Want it, ask you shall recieve
RATING: pg
SPOILERS: I don't think there is any but maybe a little of the B/A Arc
AUTHORS NOTES: It has taken me ages to write this and it is kind of what I wish would happen but is v unlikely it would happen (but if it did it would be written a little better :-)) .

Part 1

As the smoke cleared, they caught sight of each other though the devastation left by the battle. It was finally over. The End of Days, as they called it, and they had won; unbelievably they had won, and were all still living and breathing.

Buffy couldn't believe it. She had always expected that the End of Days would result in her death, or the deaths of all her loved ones. But as she looked around she realised they were still there, bruised and battered, but still there. And he was there. As she caught sight of him though the smoke, she smiled and felt her heart lift. It was not that they were what they had been any more; she still loved him, she knew that, but that was all so long ago, they both had different lives now.

She couldn't quite remember when they had given up on the idea of them. Some would say the day he left, but she would disagree; it happened some time after, when the pain of being apart hurt so much that when they did meet that they tended to take it out on each other, saying cruel things that neither really meant. Until they somehow decided, without out even discussing it, that it was better if they just didn't see each other. Even in staying apart they still managed to do it, somehow using the link between them, the link that other people could never quite understand and always managed to dismiss too quickly.

So apart from the odd battle plan or demon trying bring on the end of the world, they had had little contact in the last four years. But she knew all that was going on in his life. Buffy had always known that having Cordy as a friend, well sort of a friend, would come in handy one day. Cordy had kept her up to date over the years.

She had told her all about the trouble with Darla and him firing, her, Wes and Gunn. It had taken all her strength not to go running to him, but she had accepted that what they needed was time apart and that if she always went and saved him, he would never gain the respect for himself and his life that he needed. She had known in the long run that it would be better for him, but it was a worrying few months while he sorted himself out. But he had got though it and the rest of the years had been quite peaceful.

She remembered the last time she had seen him. It had only been a couple of weeks ago, as they were finalising the plans for the battle. As soon as he entered the room you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. Buffy had been sitting on the couch with her current beau, Jake, looking over the plan. She had sensed him the moment he had walked in the room, the connection still there, it was always there, and she never wanted to lose it.

She looked over at him straight away, catching him unaware, also catching the look on his face; the look she knew she was not supposed to see, for he quickly covered it, but she had caught it. Most would have called it a look of jealousy, which it was, but it was also more than that. It was the look in his eyes that almost broke Buffy's heart; a look of pain and longing, and a loss of hope. At that moment she had so much to say, so much to tell him, but she couldn't.

It was like there was too much for her to say; she didn't know where to begin, so in the end she said nothing. They barely spoke while he was there, and when he left, he told her goodbye. This was what broke Buffy's heart. Angel never told her goodbye, he had always said that he couldn't. She knew that this goodbye was not in case one of them died in the battles, although this was likely, it was in case they both survived. He was finally telling her he was letting her go, and Buffy didn't know what to do with that.

Coming back from the past, she was desperate to run to him and fall into his arms and beg him to never let go, but she couldn't. What if he rejected her? What if she no longer owned his soul? She could have misinterpreted his look at their last meeting. Thousands of doubts filled her head, so instead she remained rooted to the spot and he made no move towards her just stood there equally transfixed. She would have stayed there forever if Jake's voice had not brought her out of her reverie.

"Oh Buffy. I was so worried I was going to lose you. I can't lose you Buffy, I can never lose you."

She felt his arms wrap around her, holding her so tight she could hardly breathe. `Oh great I survive all this just to get hugged to death.'

Her attention caught up with Jake, she had broken her staring match with Angel. When she looked again to where he had stood, he was gone. Her eyes darted trying to find any trace of him, but there was none. Buffy had no idea where he had gone and had no way of contracting him. He had closed up A.I. a couple of weeks before the battles had started; well with the Hellmouth closed, what use would he have for it? Cordy had said something about him wanting to see the world again, this time without being a homicide killer or a really, really depressed soul-having vampire. She said that he had not really appreciated it the first time around, so he was going to try again. So with this info Buffy knew the only way she would find him was if he wanted her to find him. And as this sunk in she knew the only thing that stopped her from falling were Jake's arms around her, as she felt something she had thought impossible: another part of her heart break.

As Buffy Summers shopped she thought about what her life had become, the Slayer no longer needed without a Hellmouth. She had found herself somewhere she never thought she would be, swimming in the world of what's my line? She had finally decided to be a personal shopper, which meant she got to go shopping everyday, which she loved. Although she enjoyed it, it didn't quite fill the void that slaying had left. It had been weird to be finally freed of her obligation. She had found she missed it; missed the feeling of being feared; of having power… although she didn't miss the constant death threat over her head.

Apart from the job change, her life had not really changed that much; the people around her had, but she always felt that she had stayed the same. Will had moved away to LA. Her and Tara had gone their separate ways a couple of months after the End of Days, Willow always denied that it had anything to do with Oz, but the fact that they got back together soon after had always made Buffy wonder. Xander and Anya had gone off across America and had not returned yet, so they had made a better job of it then he did the first time around.

The only other change in her life was that now instead of dating Jake she was engaged to him and had been for two years. Jake was always trying to get her to set a date, but she couldn't. She always felt that something was missing, and she couldn't be sure if it was something or someone. She hadn't seen or heard from him since that day. She didn't know what would… if *anything* would happen if she saw him again; but one thing she did know was that what ever he thought his goodbye had been to her, she had not gotten to say her goodbye so things were not over between them. Not that she was sure that they ever would be or that she would ever really want them to be over. But she knew that she could never really start a new life with Jake, or anyone for that matter, until she saw him again. She knew that she could not keep Jake hanging forever; it was not fair to him, or herself for that matter. She knew that Angel's time was running out and that soon she would have to finally give him up, if she ever found the strength to do that. She also knew that she was not really thinking clearly. Angel was still a vampire; they would still have their same problems, nothing would have changed. So most of the time she put her feelings down to wedding jitters. That usually got rid of the thoughts, but this time they kept coming back; maybe it was the fact she was going to see Cordy and Wes again. The thought of seeing old friends of hers and his would always bring back memories.

And that was the reason that she found herself in the mall that day, searching and searching for the perfect engagement present. Who would have thought that Cordy would fall in love with Wes? She couldn't see the attraction, but Cordy did always have weird taste in men. You don't chose who you love and Buffy could certainly vouch for that.

They were holding an engagement party in a couple of days to celebrate, which Buffy was really excited about. The whole gang had been invited, so it was also going to be a mini reunion as well. The thought that Angel might attend had crossed her mind, but she doubted it. She knew he would be there if he could, for Wes and Cordy were his best friends, but he was off somewhere in the world and if Cordy and Wes knew where they weren't telling. So she was trying not to get her hopes up and as she returned to the task at hand, she tried to deny the feeling that flowed though her body at just the possibility of seeing him once again.

*********

He would see her again in two days. The girl who used to be the one thing who made him feel alive. Two days, and he knew his heart would break just that little bit more. But what was he thinking? They were both past that now. Both of them had moved on, hell they were both engaged to other people. So why did the very thought of her send a shiver down his spine? For that he had no answer… well no answer he was willing to give.

Over the years he had managed to fool himself into thinking he had gotten completely over her. He laughed at his own stupidity, like he was ever going to be over her. She had saved him in more ways than one. If it wasn't for her, he knew he would not walk in the sun as he did now as a real live human. He had gained his redemption, but this had led him to ask why? For so many years he had asked why gaining his redemption had meant losing the one thing that made it worthwhile? He had wondered if they, whoever they were, were still punishing him, by putting her just within his reach but at the same time still so far away.

He remembered the last time he had seen her though the smoke of the last battle. She was alive and okay that was all that mattered to him; it had been the only thought on his mind, so much so that it had taken him minutes to realise that he had a heartbeat and a need for air. He had just stood transfixed on her unable to move, why? The answer was simple he was scared, scared that she would reject him. Could he really just walk over to her, take her in his arms and beg her to tell him to never let go? What had stood in his way was gone, his reasons for leaving her gone, he could now give her all he thought she deserved, but was it all just too late?

When he had said goodbye before it had been to see if she would react to it, to see if she understood what he was truly meaning; but as he had said it he had looked into her eyes. He saw nothing, there was no reaction, and so he still didn't know her answer. But then he had seen her answer. He watched a man, Jake he believed his name was; he had seen him before with Buffy, call her name and take her in his arms. He knew he had not just lost her attention but that he no longer owned her soul. As he said his silent farewell and slowly walked away, it had taken all his strength to keep walking and not collapse, as he felt his newly beating heart beginning to die. But that was all so long ago. Time had moved on and he had changed. He was happy with what his life had become. He had a woman who loved him and he loved her, she wasn't Buffy, but then no one could be.

At times he thought it was better this way. That a relationship as intense as his and Buffy's had always been, was unhealthy. That with all the passion came all the pain, and although he would never change it, he wasn't sure that now he would still want it. Not that he loved Buffy any less, it was just that their relationship had always been so tiring; he liked the peaceful side of his life, or at least that was what he told himself.

Angel's fiancée was called Liz, he had told her as much about his past as he could, which was not a lot, as she knew nothing of vampires and demons. It hurt him that there was a whole part of his life he could not share with her. Should you not share everything with the one you love? She knew even less about Buffy. She knew he had loved deeply before and had lost, but she didn't know her name. It was easier that way for he and Buffy shared the same friends and he didn't know how Liz would react if she knew that if he wanted to, he could have contact with his old love. He wondered why he always had to make the tough choices in their relationship; to leave, to return to being a vampire and now he decided they should stay apart. It wasn't that Buffy had never given up anything. He knew she had lost a lot by loving him; it just seemed unfair that he had to make all the decisions that broke them apart. Looking back, it really made him look like the bad guy who never had the guts to hang on and always gave up way too easily. But he had been proved right. Both had new lives, ones that were better than what they could have had together… weren't they?

He had not seen her in four years; Cordy had told her he was traveling the world. At that point he had hated lying to her, but he didn't want to see her. He didn't want the conversation where they decided they would be friends because at that point he knew he couldn't handle that. Then he had wanted something more from Buffy, something he knew she wouldn't or couldn't give. So Cordy had told her he was away and whenever she asked about him, Cordy would say that she had heard from him, so Buffy would know he was alright, but that he didn't say were he was. In actual fact he had been in LA all along, only two hours from her. But it had worked. Not that he thought she would have come running to see him, it was just easier for them both if they kept their distance from each other. But he had known it would not last forever, that one day they would have to meet again. He would also not have Liz to hide behind; she could not attend the party due to work commitments. Going alone gave him fear. He knew he would see her again, and that the old memories would pull him to her. They were going to meet again, and he felt that it would in some way affect both their lives and he was not sure whether it would be in a good or bad way.

Part 2

Buffy walked up to the front door and rang the bell; the party was in full swing so it took a while for the door to open. When it finally did, it revealed Cordy. Although Buffy hated to admit it, she looked stunning, and not a day older than when Buffy had last seen her four years ago. Yeah they had kept in touch via the phone, but they hadn't actually seen each other in person since the day of the last battle. Buffy had never thought they would all grow apart in this way. When they were younger, before everything got completely messed up, she thought that they would all be the best of friends forever. Okay she and Cordy were never the best of friends, but she didn't think she would go four years without seeing her.

But things change, people change, and that is something that can't be stopped. You have to hold on to what you have while you still have it, so when you look back on what's lost you know you didn't give it up without a fight. That was one of the two regrets that Buffy felt in her life, that she had let her friends slip away, and the other? The other was that she and Angel had given up on what they had had. Not that she didn't want Jake, it was just. you know your first love is always special, you never want to lose that first love and when you do you are scared for life and each love has to match the first. Some people are lucky, their second or third love is more magical than their first; but when your first love is like Buffy's love for Angel it is hard to replace, near impossible in fact, but was it not really all teenage fantasy? Life is not really like that. Sometimes Buffy believed that her memories of her time with Angel were more magical than the reality of them. But deep inside her she knew there was no fantasy to her memories.

"Oh my God! Buffy you look great. I'm so glad you came, I wasn't sure if you would."

"Cordy, I couldn't miss your engagement party. You look fantastic by the way."

She walked into the house, which was packed with people that she didn't recognise and was relieved when she saw Willow and Oz in one corner of the room. She gave them a wave and mouthed to Willow that she was going to get a drink and then she would be back. Willow waved her on. She walked over to the punch bowl and was filling up her cup when she got an old familiar feeling in her stomach. A feeling she thought she had lost long ago.

"Angel?" She asked, turning around to see the man standing behind her.

"How have you been Buffy?"

She stood transfixed, drinking in the sight of him; he had not changed a bit. `Bit obvious,' Buffy thought to herself, `he is a vampire remember, they don't grow old.'

There he was, the man who could break her heart and bring her so much pain, but long ago, despite all that pain, he had been the only one who could mend that heart and sometimes she had feared the only one who ever could. He stared into her green eyes and suddenly she was sixteen again and she felt like she was the only woman on earth that he truly saw. As the memories flooded back to her, so did the feelings, the ones buried deep inside, the ones she had thought gone.

"So." she began, but stopped unsure of what to say.

"So?" He questioned.

"How have you been? Cordy said you were traveling, but your back now. well obviously because you're here and not there." she knew she was babbling, but her mind and body were still in shock, so she found it difficult to control her mouth. Angel smiled suppressing a laugh and Buffy's heart melted that little bit more.

"Are you laughing at me?"

"Me? No I wouldn't do that." he smirked a little bit more.

"Look you don't laugh at me, I may be the ex-slayer, but I can still take you." She said playfully and as if to corroborate her words, she reached out and pushed lightly on his chest, just where his heart should be.

And that was when she felt it, thump, thump a heartbeat. She looked up into Angel's eyes shocked. Angel knew she had discovered his secret and cursed under his breath. He had wanted to tell her, not have her find out; he knew that this way she would not take the news well. Okay so he wasn't sure she would have taken the news well, even if he had been able to tell her himself, but at least he could have in some way prepared her. He looked into her eyes but he could not gage her reaction. There was a time when he could look into her eyes and know exactly what she was thinking; he was saddened to think that that time was gone.

Buffy stepped away from him.

"I.I." Buffy stuttered looking down. When she looked at him again it was with eyes full of pain and then she did the only thing she could think of, she turned and fled.

"Buffy . wait." was the last thing she heard as she fled the house.

Part 3

"Buffy" he shouted out the door. He could see her walking quickly up the path, he ran to catch up with her.

"Buffy, STOP!" he shouted, just getting close enough to grab her arm.

She stopped walking and turned around. Angel stared into her tear stained face. He reached out and wiped away the tears forming in her eyes before they could fall.

"Why the hell didn't you tell me? Did I not even deserve that? Something this important happens and you just don't tell me? I thought you loved me once."

"Buffy, I was going to tell you, but I don't know, things got in the way. I was going to tell you tonight, but you kinda figured it out."

"Things got in the way? What things? I don't understand."

"What was I supposed to do? Turn up on your doorstep and say: hey Buffy haven't seen you in years, you have a great new life that has nothing to do with me but I just thought I would tell you I'm human now?"

"It would have been a start."

"But then I would have had to just walk away and I don't think I could have taken that, not then. Buffy I didn't want to complicate things. You've moved on, you're getting married; hell I'm getting married."

Buffy's eyes widened in shock, as Angel realised he had just dealt another blow. `Way to go Angel. You're already trying to get out of one mistake, when you make another.'

"I thought Cordy would have told you, or I would never have..."

"It's okay Angel," Buffy said, recovering from the shock, "it's like you said, we've moved on. But one thing Angel. Why did it all have to be this way? We used to mean so much to each other, now look at us."

"You will always mean the world to me, we just."

"The old we just met at the wrong time speech, huh?"

"Suppose so."

"But why couldn't we at least have been friends? Why did we have to lose it all?"

"That was our problem, we cared so much for each other that we didn't know how to be any other way. It was simpler to stay apart, remove the temptation you know that. Hey who would have known someone like Spike could be so right?"

Angel looked down into Buffy's eyes and realised that the tears had begun to fall again. He reached to wipe them away, but she stopped him.

"No I want to cry. I need to cry. I could never really let myself cry for us Angel, and I've realised that I need to."

At this Angel pulled her forward into his arms. She went willingly, finding comfort in the feel of them around her again. They just stood there for what seemed like hours on Wes and Cordy's lawn holding each other, until her tears had subsided.

"Feeling better?" He asked letting her go.

"A little I think." She wiped her eyes. "It's just so unfair. People lie to you and they shouldn't."

Angel looked at her confused

"They tell you when you are young that love is all hearts and flowers, but it isn't like that. It hurts and it goes wrong, but I wouldn't change it."

Again they were lost in each other eyes, the only place either wanted to be.

Buffy was bought back to reality at the thought of one person, Jake, and she suddenly felt pangs of guilt in her stomach. Realising that this should go no further, she decided she should leave and quickly.

"Well Angel it was nice to see you again, but I really must go now."

Angel was perplexed by her sudden change in mood. "Is that it?" he asked unable to keep the disappointment out of his voice.

"What do you expect me to do Angel? As you said we are both engaged to other people and if I stay, I won't be able to stop myself from."

"Stop yourself from doing what?"

"Nothing." she said, shaking her head.

"Ok if you must go, you must." Angel said defeated.

He bent down to kiss her on the cheek, but being that close to her mouth, the old passion kicked in. The next thing they knew they were kissing and each knew it was the only thing they ever wanted to feel. The need for air broke the kiss. Both stared at each other shocked, which on Buffy's part soon turned to anger.

"Damn you Angel!"

"Damn me?"

"You shouldn't have done that, you shouldn't have."

"What, force you to kiss me? Believe what you want Buffy but you orchestrated that kiss as much as I did."

"I told you I had to go. I told you that if I didn't I wouldn't be able to stop myself. stop myself from."

"What, kissing me?" he said, unable to stop the smile forming on his lips.

"Oh God Angel what are we doing? We can't do this, we can't!"

"But can we stop ourselves?"

At Angel's question Buffy looked at the ground. She knew that now she knew where he was, no matter how hard she tried, she would never be able to keep away.

"We can't! You're engaged; I'm engaged. Oh god why is my life always so complicated?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't to complicate things." Angel said sorrowfully. "Look Buffy it's ok. I'll stay away ok."

"NO! I don't want that I..."

"What do you want then?"

"I don't know, I don't know. I have to go." She turned and walked away.

"Buffy, we can't leave it like this."

Buffy stopped and turned around. "Angel, just let me go."

"NO! I have done that too many times already. At least give me a contact number. We need to talk about this, but I think we both need some breathing space too. Neither of us is thinking clearly tonight."

She knew she should just walk away, that they could both be getting into something that neither of them had control over. But something inside her screamed that they had given up to often on each other; that she need him in her life, that she needed him as a friend and nothing more. Yeah right, as if they could ever just be friends, another voice whispered in her ear. Which one should she ignore? Then she did what her heart told her to do.

"Cordy's got my number you can get it from her" and with a brief smile she turned and walked away, not knowing what the future held.

Angel stared after her. God what was he doing? He loved Liz; he really did, didn't he? But this was Buffy, his Buffy, his soulmate and when it came to her he was never able to think straight. He knew no matter how much he tried to stop himself from ringing her it was inevitable.

Out of the shadows two figures stepped. They had seen the whole exchange and the whole thing filled them with dread.

Part 4

Buffy sat staring at the phone. It had been a couple of days since the party and he had still not called. She couldn't believe this, she was acting like a schoolgirl waiting by the phone for it to ring, she had thought she had grown past that. She knew she shouldn't be doing this, that she shouldn't care if he called; but she couldn't stop herself from staring at the phone praying for it to ring.

Maybe it was because she feared that he wouldn't ring. He had always been the more mature and responsible person in their relationship, always the one to do the right thing. Buffy knew that them renewing their relationship was probably not the right thing to do, but that didn't stop her from wanting to know him again. And in a way it hurt her that he could keep away from her, she knew she could not from him. But in a way that was why she had left things the way they were, he had to call her he had to make the move, she had left the ball in his court. She knew she shouldn't feel this way, that the only man she should be thinking about was Jake, but unfortunately this was Angel and he was a very difficult man not to think about.

Buffy's waiting by the phone was interrupted by a knock at the door. Buffy opened it to find Willow standing on the doorstep.

"Willow, how are you?" Buffy said hugging her. "I meant to talk to you at the party but I got distracted."

"I bet you did." Willow replied.

Buffy searched Willow's face not understanding her reply. Not being able to work anything out from it, she shrugged and let the comment go.

"So what have you been up to? You have to tell me everything! God it has been so long! How's Oz? How's married life? I want details!"

"Buffy as much as I want to catch up, this isn't a social call."

"What is it then Will?" Buffy asked perplexed.

"Buffy what do you think you are doing? I saw you."

"Saw me where?" said Buffy, none the wiser.

"At the party, well outside the party actually, with him."

"Oh" said Buffy everything finally coming clear, "Angel"

"Yeah Angel. Buffy I saw you kissing him. What do you think you are doing? You are engaged and Jake is such a nice guy, you can't do this to him."

"Don't you think I know that? But for your information there is nothing going on between me and Angel."

"Why did you tell him to get your number from Cordy then?"

"Oh you heard that bit." Willow nodded. "You want the truth?"

"It would be nice."

"I missed him Will. He was always the one that really understood what was going on inside my head, not that you and Xander weren't great, it's just... well you should understand it, just like you and Oz, you know what I mean?"

"Buffy I, more than anyone, knows what he meant to you, but you've moved on got new lives, fallen in love with other people, can't you just let each other go?"

"Why can't you believe we can just be friends? Why do you think we won't be able to control ourselves?"

"Have you ever been able to before?"

Buffy didn't have an answer for that question. "Look Will you don't have to worry, he hasn't called me. He must have decided the same as you, that it wasn't worth the risk."

"I'm sorry Buffy. Maybe it is for the best."

"Yeah probably. So maybe we could catch up now?"

"I'm really sorry but I have to meet Oz in fifteen minutes. I really want to catch up, we will be staying a couple more days."

"How about tomorrow? We could shop and talk and then do more shopping."

"Sounds like a plan. I'll see you tomorrow." Willow got up to leave and walked towards the door.

"Willow, if Oz hadn't come back, would you still be with Tara?"

"I don't know."

"Are you glad he came back?"

"Of course I am! I missed him so much and."

Willow suddenly realised what Buffy was getting at. The girls shared a knowing look and Willow knew she had to tell her.

"Buffy, I think I know why he hasn't called."

"How would you know?"

"Well we thought it was the right thing to do..."

"We? Willow! Tell me!"

"Well I wasn't the only one who heard the conversation at the party, Cordy was there too. So we decided that each of us would talk to the two of you and that. and that..."

"And that Cordy would make it very difficult for him to get my number. Willow, you had no right."

"I know but we thought we were doing what was right..."

"Look, whatever was going to happen between Angel and I, was between Angel and I, you shouldn't have got involved."

"I could call Cordy and tell her to give him the number?"

"No. If Angel is still the Angel I knew, he wouldn't let the little fact of Cordy being difficult with the number stop him. If he wants to call he will."

"And if doesn't?"

"He doesn't. Look, Willow, I don't know what you thought was going to happen, but I can tell you now it would have been nothing. We would have got together shared our life stories, said goodbye, and then maybe a card at Christmas and Birthdays that would have been it, end of story." In her head she was not sure if she believed herself or not.

"So what was the kiss all about?"

"A reaction to seeing each other, nothing more." Buffy definitely knew she didn't believe that.

"So are we gonna still get together tomorrow?" Willow asked worriedly.

"Of course, we have so much to talk about."

"I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Okay, see ya Will." she said as Willow left.

Buffy slumped back into her chair a little deflated at the news. Although her head told her it was for the best, her heart ached.

Two minutes later the phone rang.

Part 5

Angel arrived at Buffy's front door, he had not been sure what he wanted when he phoned her, he wasn't even sure, if he should but after the struggle he had had getting it out of Cordy, there was nothing in this world that was going to stop him. If it was one thing he had always hated it was people telling him what to do. He knew Cordy and Willow had only been doing what they thought best, but it was none of their business and he knew that part of the reason that him had Buffy had split was because they had had no support from anyone else.

He had finally managed to sneak a look in Cordy's address book when she wasn't looking and copied down Buffy's number. When Cordy had gone to get lunch, he had then called Buffy. He had been about to suggest that they meet in a café, on natural ground, not wanting to scare her off, when she had suggested meeting at her house. Part of him knew it was a bad idea, but part of him also didn't care.

He was about to knock when the door swung open, and there stood Buffy. He could have sworn she looked even more beautiful than she ever had before, if that was possible.

"I was just about to knock" he smiled

"Oh um I saw you walking up the path." Buffy stammered, a little embarrassed by her eagerness to open the door.

"So I guess you should come in." Said Buffy stepping back from the door. Angel entered and looked around the room. It hadn't changed since he had been there last; it all seemed to have a timeless quality to it.

`The house hasn't changed, she hasn't changed, I haven't changed and what I feel for her hasn't changed. whoa there!!! What am I thinking? I shouldn't be thinking that! No bad thoughts!! Bad thoughts!!!!!'

"Angel.? I said would you like a drink?"

"Um no thank you" said Angel his mind still trying to recover from the shock of his thoughts.

"So, how have you been? You know what's been going on in your life since, well, I last saw you?"

As Angel watched her question him he knew what he was about to do was wrong, that that he would probably end up getting his face slapped but something inside him told him it would be worth it.

"Buffy, I didn't come here to talk about my life"

"Oh okay. What do you want to talk about?"

"I don't think I want to talk"

He bent forward and kissed her. He knew that he was normally not like this, but when he got near Buffy his mind had always gone a little loopy.

Buffy's mind was racing. What was he doing? What was she doing? But under these thoughts were feelings. Being in his arms felt right and kissing him felt so good, but what about Jake? She was engaged, she shouldn't be doing this.

With the thought of Jake she pulled back from Angel breaking the kiss. She felt anger, anger at him, but mostly anger at herself for letting him kiss her again and before she knew it her hand was flying and she slapped him across the face.

Angel rubbed the side of his face with his hand as Buffy stood up and walked to the other side of the room.

"I guess I deserved that."

"I can't believe you! Have you really changed that much that you thought when I invited you over here that I wanted to. wanted to."

"No, Buffy believe me that wasn't my intention. It was just when I got here and saw you again. I couldn't stop it, my feelings just took over."

"I think you should leave"

"Why?"

"Excuse me?? WHY? Angel did you just forget what happened here? We kissed passionately."

"But we kissed the other night."

"Yeah and I could put that down old times sake nothing more, but since you kissed me again, it's obvious, you're after something more"

"Excuse me Buffy, you kissed me back"

"I did not!"

"Believe me Buffy, you did."

"I didn't."

"Buffy."

"I did didn't I. Oh god what am I doing? What are we doing? Shame on us"

"I don't know but I know I can't stop thinking about you," said Angel crossing the room to her.

"I can't stop either." Before she knew what was happening she reached out to him and their lips met, and then the old passion took over.

*

Angel awoke to the sound of crying. "Buffy what's wrong?"

"What wrong?" she said turning to him with wild eyes, "What we just did that what's wrong, how could we, how could I do it to Jake and you to Liz, we are bad people"

"No Buffy we're not. We just feel something we shouldn't and you can't help what you feel."

"You don't chose who you love."

"Are you saying you love me Buffy?"

"No," Angel's face fell, "yes. I don't know. You have to understand, I've been in love with you since I was sixteen and I always knew part of me would always love you, but what this is me just trying to regain my youth?"

"Do you really think that?"

"I don't know. Part of me doesn't want it to be, but what are we going to do?"

"I have no idea. The only thing I know is that I can't stay away from you."

"I know the feeling."

"So what now?"

"For the moment can you just hold me?"

Angel pulled her down into his arms. Buffy felt all the things she normally felt in Angel's arms, peace and love, but she also felt scared; scared that she would ultimately lose, scared that they were both making a mistake and also scared that neither of them could stop.

part 6

Buffy was sitting on the couch, thoughts whizzing though her head. Jake was due home any second, Angel had left about an hour before. Buffy told him she would call; the main problem was that she knew she would. She didn't know what she was doing; Jake didn't deserve any of this. The problem was if she truly loved him how could she have done what she had done with Angel? Who did she love? Who did she want to be with? Was what happened with Angel really just old times? Or had she really never stopped loving him?

Jake coming through the door interrupted her thoughts.

"Hey baby. How was your day? Get up to anything fun?"

Buffy gulped. "Um fine. Nothing much," she lied but what was she supposed to say: 'oh I invited my ex round and we ended up in bed together?'

`Maybe that's what you should be saying. Just tell him what happened, get it over and done with.'

But she knew she couldn't. Mostly because she didn't want to hurt him but also partly (although she didn't want to admit it) what she had done with Angel had excited her. Not the sex part (although that had been good. hell it had been amazing) the whole secrecy thing, the feeling that doing something so risky did to her. In a way it reminded her of her days as a Slayer, the whole adrenalin rush she missed, it had taken her years to get over that, to stop missing that feeling and having Angel back in her life made her feel it all again. So she didn't tell him she acted normal, kissed him, hugged him and even had sex with him in the evening, but the first chance she got she still phoned Angel.

And so it went on. Every chance they got they met each other. They made love often but not every time they met. Both knew this was about each other and not just about the fact they could have something that had so long been denied them. At least that was what both of them hoped. At one point they had even managed to run away for a week. It had been blissful. There had been no hiding, they could just be a couple in the open and not care. It had been hard when they had returned and had to be secretive again. No one knew anything. Not Willow, not Cordy, no one. They had thought it would be for the best. The less people that knew what they were doing the less risky they thought it would be.

It had been going on six months and although Buffy knew she shouldn't feel this way, it was one of the best times of her life. She had her Angel back and she didn't know if she wanted to give him up again. Jake was pushing her for a date for the wedding again. She had managed to put him off so far, but she knew time was running out. Most would have asked her why she didn't leave him and run off with Angel and to be honest she was not completely sure why. Part of her was scared that if she and Angel were just she and Angel again, that it would somehow fall apart as it always did and she didn't know if she could go through that again, and she was still unsure of her true feelings. Yes she loved Angel, but she also loved Jake, she didn't know what to do. Also Angel had said nothing about leaving Liz. He seemed happy with the situation and didn't seem to want to change it. That was until the phone call.

"Buffy I need to see you."

"I can't Angel. Jake's due home any minute."

"Buffy it's important."

"Oh you miss me that much?" she flirted

"Buffy I'm serious."

"Okay I'll meet you at the Bronze in about fifteen minutes."

Buffy hung up the phone worried. Angel had sounded upset and that scared her. What was wrong? Had Liz found out? Did he want to finish it? As she left she wished to god it was not that, anything but that.

Angel sat in the Bronze, drumming his hands on the table. Buffy seemed to be taking forever to get there. He kept watching the door for her to come through; half wishing she'd appear half wishing she wouldn't. Because what he was about to say could make or break everything. After today, she would either be his forever, or gone from his life for good.

Buffy finally entered the Bronze. He watched her eyes scan the room for him and the worried, but happy look that crossed them when they finally fell upon him. At that moment he wished he could hold time, freeze it just at that point so that he would always have her, so that she would always be with him. He knew from experience that the hardest thing was to walk away from her. He just prayed he didn't have to do it again.

"Hi" she said as she gave him a quick kiss on the lips. "What was so important that you had to see me right away?"

"I can't do this."

"Do what?"

"I can't do this. us. whatever we are. I'm sick of lying to Liz. I'm sick of lying to my friends."

"What are you saying? That you just want to end it just like that?"

"No, I want to tell them. I want to tell Liz what's been happening. I want you to tell Jake."

"Oh you want me to do you? You think I should? Well it isn't that easy Angel."

"Why?"

"You might find it easy to hurt the people you care about I don't ok. I don't like hurting people because I know what it feels like. What happens if I say no, that I won't tell him? What happens then?"

"Then it's over."

"I can't believe your doing this! Giving me an ultimatum! You can't do this. You have no right."

"I have no right? Buffy someone has to do something. We can't go on like this. You can't have believed that we could just go on like this forever?"

"I thought. I don't know."

"You thought you could have the best of both worlds. Sex with two men, you get to be worshipped twenty-four seven."

"Excuse me? What about Liz? You seem to have conveniently forgotten about her."

"But I'm not the one who won't tell, you are, because you are too happy with what you've got. You like your life this way."

"God Angel if you believe that for a second you don't know me at all." She turned on her heel and walked away.

Angel knew he couldn't let her go; that he loved her and wanted her. It scared him that she wouldn't tell Jake. He still didn't understand why she wouldn't. He knew it would be hard, but if it meant they could finally be together then wasn't the pain worth it? With that last thought he got up and ran out of the Bronze after her.

Buffy's mind was a blur. Part of her was mad at him. Mad that he always got to make all the decisions and part of her was scared, scared that she was losing him, scared that she wasn't and scared that she was about to hurt a man she cared about. The saying went: `if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with', but what if you could be with the one you loved? What then? Did she deserve Angel? Having an affair made her a bad person. It meant she should suffer, she needed to suffer, but if she told Jake and ran off with Angel would she suffer? She would feel pain from hurting people but she would not suffer, she couldn't suffer if she was with Angel and part of her believed she didn't deserve that.

Her head was so full of all these thoughts, they were spinning around and around in her head, that she didn't look as she crossed the road. She didn't see the car. The last thing that registered in her mind was the sound of Angel, screaming her name as the car hit and she went flying. The last thing she felt was her body hitting the cold and wet road.

Part 7

When Buffy came to she found herself lying in a hospital bed, a doctor hovering over her.

"Ah Miss Summers. Glad to see you back in the land of the living."

Buffy made a move to sit up, but stopped as her head started to spin.

"Careful Miss Summers, you have had a nasty bang to the head. You will have to stay here for at least the night so we can keep an eye on you."

"Great." Buffy said unenthusiastically.

"Oh Buffy I was so worried. Are you alright baby?" said Jake, entering the room.

"Yeah I'm fine. I really need to start watching were I'm going."

"Well I have other patients to check on. I'll be back to check on you later Miss Summers."

Jake stepped forward and sat on the edge of her bed. He reached out and stroked the side of her face.

"You scared me so much. When I got the call from the hospital I swear my heart stopped. What were you doing there anyway?"

"I felt like a walk. I was daydreaming and not really paying attention."

"Buffy promise me you'll pay more attention. I couldn't go though that again. I can't lose you I never want to lose you, you mean too much to me."

Buffy could see he had tears in his eyes. At that point she realised how much the thought of losing her hurt him. How the hell was she supposed to tell him now?

"Shh, shh" she said softly. "I'm fine. I'm okay. I'm not going anywhere" she wrapped her arms around him trying to calm him.

But in her heart she knew what she had said wasn't true. The accident had proved one thing to her, life could be short and she didn't want to waste it. Her life had not been her own for so many years. She had always felt that she belonged to the world instead of the world belonging to her, having to put her life on hold, because someone had decided to destroy the world again. She always seemed to do what everyone else thought was right. But the truth was that what she wanted was simple, it was what she had wanted since she was sixteen years old. She wanted to belong to Angel and for him to belong to her and only her. She couldn't tell him now, that would be too cruel, but soon, it would be soon.

"I think I need a coffee. You'll be okay for a few minutes won't you?"

"Yeah fine."

Angel watched as Jake left the room. He had heard the whole conversation, and he had heard her tell him that she wasn't going anywhere. He knew he should ask her, but he didn't think he could take the rejection face to face. From the pain he was feeling right at that moment, he had a feeling it would kill him. So he was going to be a coward. He was going to walk into her room check she was alright and then walk out of the room and her life forever. He didn't know where he was going to go or what he was going to do, all he knew was that he need out. He needed to get away from everything that reminded him of her. He would go to LA, tell Liz everything and then he would leave LA forever and try to build a life without her.

When he had started this he had prayed he wouldn't have to walk away from her again, but somewhere deep in his heart he had known that was his fate, to love her forever but to always have to walk away. He knew he wouldn't be able to tell her he was leaving, that that she would try and talk him out of it, and he knew he didn't have the strength to fight her. He took a deep breath and walked into her room.

Buffy's face lit up when she saw him.

"Are you okay? You really had me worried for a second there."

"Hey you should know it takes more than a little old car to stop me."

"Yeah I guess. So that was Jake was it?"

"Um yeah. I need to talk to you about him."

"Don't Buffy. Not now okay."

"But Angel..."

"Look I think you need your rest and Jake will be back in a second. I don't really want to explain to him what I'm doing here."

"I guess. Angel when will I see you again?"

"Soon. I'll be in touch."

It wasn't a lie. He planned to write her a letter explaining why he had gone. He just hadn't told her it would be his last contact with her.

Buffy was worried; Angel was acting strangely.

"So I suppose I should go," he bent down and kissed her on the lips. "Bye"

At that moment Buffy got scared. She had the feeling that if Angel walked out that door he wouldn't be back.

"Angel nothing's wrong is it?"

"No everything is fine, everything is right, at least it will be."

"Oh great, cryptic guy is back again."

Angel smiled his trademark half smile but it didn't quite reach his eyes. As he turned to leave Buffy called to him

"Angel are you still my guy?"

He didn't turn around, he couldn't. If he did she would see the tears that had began to fall down his face

"Always" he said as he walked out the door.

After her encounter with Angel Buffy had realised she had to act quickly. That it didn't matter how long she left it, Jake was still going to be hurt at the news and that if she wasn't careful she would lose Angel as well. There was no point in everyone being completely miserable and although she knew Jake would be hurt she also knew it was for the best. She knew what love could be and truly believed that real love was the only thing. She loved Angel truly and utterly. So she could never give Jake what he truly deserved. Now all she had to do was tell him.

****

"What do you mean you love someone else?"

"I'm sorry, it just sort of happened. I didn't mean it to, I thought I loved you, I thought he and I were over, but then I saw him again and it just kinda happened."

"Just kinda happened? What did you accidentally fall into bed with him?"

"What do you want me to say? I can't change it. I can't make it right, all I can do is make sure you know the truth."

"So what happens now? Is this it? Are we over?"

"I can't marry you and love someone else. It's not fair to me and it's not fair to you. I don't love you enough you need more."

"You bitch"

Jake fixed her with a cold icy stare that scared her. She hadn't ever seen him like this. She knew he would be angry, but at that moment she wondered how well she really knew him.

"Well I suppose this is it. Don't worry Buffy, I'll move my things out before you get home"

"There's no need."

"Well I think there is. I can't even bear to be in the same room as you."

Jake got up to leave.

"Oh and by the way, you know all those business trips I went on? Remember my secretary Kerry? Well let's just say not a lot of business got done on those trips, well not of the work variety anyway." and with that he left.

Buffy wasn't sure if he had been telling the truth or not. Not that it really mattered, it upset her to think that her whole relationship with Jake was a lie, but she could hardly comment on anything he had done or not done. She was just sad she had hurt him and that it had all ended so badly.

"Ah Miss Summers. Looking better I see," said the doctor coming in, "well everything seems fine. You are both okay and you can go home this afternoon."

"Both?"

"Yes, you and your baby are both fine."

"Baby?"

"Did you not know you were pregnant?"

"No I didn't. How far along am I?"

"About 8 weeks."

Buffy did the calculation in her head. That would put conception at about the time she and Angel had gone away and Jake had been on a business trip the week after that so the baby had to be Angel's. Buffy couldn't help but smile at the thought.

"So I take it this is good news?"

"Yes Doctor, its definitely good news."

*

Later on that morning, Buffy was surprised to receive a visit from Cordy.

"Hey, what are you doing here?"

"Um I just thought I'd come and see how you were doing."

"Cordy you don't happen to know where Angel is do you? I really need to talk to him."

At this Cordy looked away.

"Okay, Angel is actually the reason I came."

"Oh god nothing's happened to him has it?"

"No Buffy he's fine as far as I know. I saw him this morning when he told me what had been going on between you two.

"Oh, Cordy! We didn't like lying it was just..."

"Buffy, I really need to get this out ok. When I saw Angel this morning he didn't only tell me about you two he also told me goodbye."

"What?"

"I'm sorry Buffy. Angel's gone. He wouldn't tell me where. He asked me to give you this."

Cordy handed Buffy a letter.

"Why did you two have to get back involved? You know it only leads to heartache for you two and everyone else. Now I've lost my best friend. Why couldn't you just keep away? He was happy as he was."

"Cordy he came after me."

"You still could have stopped him. You two just never think do you!!"

"It's hard to think when your heart keeps getting in the way."

"Angel told me to close down the offices and sell them."

"He really not coming back is he?"

"No Buffy, I don't think he is."

And with that Cordy left.

As Buffy stared down at the letter tears began to fall upon it smudging her name. Oh god what was she going to do? She had not only lost Angel for herself but also for her child. Her baby would grow up without a father all because of her stupidity. At the moment Buffy felt her world collapse around her.

Go to Part 8