RATING: PG
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing
SPOILERS: General (if any)
TIMELINE: Season 5 (sort 0f)
FEEDBACK:Yes please

Buffy tried to work out what had happened the last couple of days. Her life sure had changed direction, and it was a direction that she was not sure she wanted, or could go, in. Something had happened between her and Spike, and she did not mean fighting at all. She knew she didn't love him, there was no way she could love a soulless vampire, but she did care for him and she did lust, oh boy did she lust. But what was she thinking of!

They could never have a proper relationship; he would go back to killing in a second if he ever got that chip out of his head. At times she forgot that was the reason he fought on her side, and not against her. She knew that deep down she could never really trust him. God she had found it hard enough to trust Angel at times and at least he had a soul. well, for most of the time. And that was another thing, Angel. How would he react? She knew he would be hurt.

He had given her up so that she could have a normal life, which she had had with Riley; but that was destroyed now after Spike. Not that she had ever seen Riley as a long-term thing. She liked him and in her own way had loved him, but not like it was with Angel, not even close and until she felt that again she always knew she wouldn't settle down. That was the problem, Angel had spoilt her, he had shown her what it was like to love truly and totally and now she knew she could not accept anything less.

She had run though in her mind the possible conversations with Angel that could happen if he found out. One was that he didn't care at all, and this one hurt Buffy the most, to know that he no longer cared; another was that he was completely disgusted with her and could barely even look at her. The final was were he did care but didn't hold it against her, and told her he hoped she was happy. In each one he left again, something Buffy always had trouble watching. But she had already decided that he didn't have to know. What was the point of possibly upsetting him? He had left her. He had no right to know who she was with or what she was doing; he had given up that right two years ago.

There was one problem with Buffy logic though, it had one floor and it was a floor that Buffy did not know about. The fact was that Angel already knew what was going on, and Buffy was about to find out whether any of her dream conversations were about to become a reality.

When she arrived at her room that she shared with Willow, she found Willow waiting for her outside the door.

"Hey Willow what's up?" she asked happily.

"I am so sorry Buffy."

"Oh my God what happened? It's my Mom isn't it? Oh my god." Buffy was on the verge of tears.

"No Buffy, it's nothing like that. It's just. we were worried about that Spike thing, you know how close you've been getting, and Buffy you know it's not right. It was bad enough with a souled one, but one without, that is a little sick."

"No it's not. It is nothing to do with you anyway. When are people going to stop trying to run my life for me? I can make my own decisions."

"Well we weren't so sure of that, so me and Xander. We...we"

"Did what? Oh you didn't tell Giles. He's going to kill me! How could you? It was none of your business. You had no right Willow." By this time her mind was reeling and she was pacing up and down. Her brain was working so hard on how to get out of the trouble she was in, she failed to notice the door open behind Willow. She didn't see him standing there until he spoke.

"No Buffy they told me."

And there he stood. Buffy knew her worst nightmare, no it was worse than that, had come true, the look on his face said it all. It was a look of the deepest hurt, and what was worse was that she knew she had caused it. "Angel I..."

"I think we need to talk don't you?"

Buffy took a deep breath and followed him into the room; the door shut behind her. Willow stood looking at the closed door.

"I just hope that was the right thing to do"

They stood there in silence just looking at each other. Buffy had always loved being in the same room as him. No matter how much hurt was going on between them, she had always known that deep down inside if she was never going to see him again a part of her would die. Whatever they were: lovers, friends, enemies of which they had been all three, she had always known she needed to be something to him. Whether it was love or hate she didn't mind, just as long as it was not indifference. Indifference was the worst thing in the world, as indifference would mean that he no longer cared one way or the other.

"Well" Buffy said indignantly, disturbed by the silence and the look that he was giving her. "You said we needed to talk so talk."

"That's just it I don't know where to begin."

"Well why don't we start with the fact that this none of your god damn business. You gave up the right to be part of my life a long time ago remember?" She shouted. She knew she was going about this the wrong way, but she felt she had a right; it was nothing to do with him.

"Yeah, I left so you could have a normal life, which I couldn't give you. Not so you could go and shag another vampire and Spike of all people, you know he probably only did it to get back at me."

That just made Buffy's blood boil. "Oh I wondered when this was going to get to being about you. Hate to burst the bubble pal but the whole world doesn't revolve around you."

"Buffy you know I don't think that, and I know you know that too, or at least I used to."

"What is that suppose to mean?"

"It's just that I thought I would be in love with you forever."

Buffy looked up at him with shock, what was he talking about? What was he about to say? What, had he found someone else? Was that it? "What are you saying Angel? Have you met someone? Well if you have, what the hell are you doing here questioning me about Spike? It has nothing to do with you anymore."

"No Buffy, I was going to say that I thought I would be in love with you forever, but I just realised I am in love with someone else."

"In love with someone else? Then why are you here? You should go be with her. Who is it? Tell me. It's that Kate woman Cordy told me about isn't it? Didn't take you long did it?"

"I took longer than you did Buffy."

Buffy had no answer for that she knew he was right, but she had never said that she had stopped loving him. She had told him she loved Riley, but that had been more about hurt than truth, as this Spike incident had truly revealed. If she had loved Riley would she have been lusting after Spike? She didn't think so.

"Buffy you never let me finish, you always jump to conclusions. There is no one else."

"Then can I just say eh?"

This seemed to make Angel smile, his face lit up for just one split second but then it was gone.

'For a second it was as if she was her again' Angel thought to himself and then he prepared himself for what he was about to say. He closed his eyes for a second and let the pain wash over him, because what he was about to say was going to hurt them both, and he was not sure whether afterwards anything between would be the same ever again.

"Its hard to explain" he said playing for time.

"Try."

"It took this whole Spike thing to make me realise it. You wouldn't believe how much it hurt when Willow and Xander told me. God I thought when I found out about Riley that that was pain, but I was so wrong."

"I didn't do it to hurt you. It had nothing to do with you."

"I do know that Buffy, it just opened my eyes to what you have become. You have changed. When I said I loved someone else I meant the old you. Since I left, something in you has changed, almost died, and if I am to blame for that I am truly sorry. Sometimes I think the person I love died a long time ago, and I am scared Buffy. I'm scared she's not coming back."

There were tears in his eyes. "I know I have no right to say this to you. As you said, I gave up any right to have anything to do with your life two years ago. But I just know the girl I left two years ago would have never gone near Spike. I know he has changed, but he is still a vampire. He doesn't kill because of that chip, with that chip gone he would not think twice about killing you, it his nature and nothing is going to change that."

Buffy had not said anything. His words had hurt her more than she would ever let him know; part of the reason for it was because deep down she knew what he said was true. She had tried to tell herself she had just grown up, but she had never really believed that. Since he had gone she had become someone else and even she had to admit she was not sure that she liked who that was. But she didn't know how to be who she was before anymore.

Buffy finally spoke. "So this is what you came here for, to tear me down, tell me that everything I have become you can't stand. Well thanks you know I really needed that. And I am not stupid, I know Spike and me will never really be anything. I just wanted him. I lusted for him and with him I could pretend, I couldn't with Riley."

"What?"

Buffy realised she had said way too much and tried to cover, "Nothing. I meant nothing." without much success.

"What did you mean Buffy? Tell me."

Buffy felt defeated. She would have to let it all out and she was still trying to process the information herself; for it had only just dawned on her what one of the aspects was that had attracted her to Spike.

"Because... because when I was with Spike, I could pretend it was you. Okay, I felt his cold body on mine and I could fool my brain into thinking it was you. With Riley I couldn't, the heat." she said as if to clarify, "my brain just wouldn't except it."

Buffy realised by the pained look on Angel's face that she had just given him two mental pictures that he didn't really need.

"I never realised." Angel stood there in total disbelief.

'She still loves me, and I said I wasn't sure if I still loved her; that maybe I couldn't love her. What have I done?'

Most of it had been about hurt more than truth. It was true that he didn't completely like what she was becoming, but he knew that whatever happened to her, how ever she changed he was doomed to love her. No, doomed was not the right word. For him no matter what, loving and having Buffy in his life in whatever way he could would always be a blessing.

"See I lied when I said it had nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with you, most things in my life do Angel, and I think they always will."

"I know the feeling. You do know that what I said before, I did mean it Buffy. I don't always like the way you have changed, but I expect you can say the same about me."

"Yeah I mean all talking about how you feel where did that come from". She smiled at him though the tears that she had not realised had started to fall. "But about not being in love with you, that will never happen, I don't know how not to be."

"Neither do I." They stood and stared at each other for a moment, and for the first time in months both felt truly happy. Each one's brain screaming that the other still loved them after all that had happened, and all they had done to each other.

"So what happens now? We know we are still in love with each other, but nothing's changed Angel, same old problems with us, no solutions."

"I know we still can't be anything. I shouldn't have come; I was just so worried. So are Willow and Xander, and you have to admit Xander must have been worried to call me."

"I know. It seems to be all I am good at lately, worrying people."

He gave her a smile as if to say 'it's not your fault. It will all be okay in the end,' and for that she was grateful.

"So are you just going to leave again now?"

"I hate to say it, but it does seem the best option. We were never good at being together apart, I could never keep my hands off you." They both smiled at this memory.

"But we will keep in touch. You know the odd phone call now and then, a letter maybe, agreed?"

"Agreed."

With that he walked towards her and they kissed with all the passion that had built up over the two years since he had left. It left them both breathless, but it also left them wanting what they couldn't have. more.

"So I had better go."

"Yeah, you better." He turned to go but stopped at her words. "Angel do you think we will ever stop having to say goodbye to each other?"

"I don't know my love, I don't know. All I have is hope, hope that maybe one day we will never have to say goodbye again and that is what we have to keep hold of."

"Yeah."

"Oh by the way about Spike."

"It's okay, I'm already thinking of a way to let him down gently."

"Right" and with one last kiss, which did not say goodbye, but instead said 'one day' he left.

Buffy sat down on her bed her mind still processing what had happened. They were not back together, she still didn't know what they were, but she knew that this time it was different, and she now felt something that she hadn't felt for a long time. hope.

She was still sitting on her bed when Willow came in.

"Are you mad at me?"

All Buffy did was stand up, give her a hug and whisper in her ear, "Thanks for giving me back the hope that one day maybe we. I needed it." and she left the room to go and have a little talk with Spike.

"I'll take that as a no then" the very relieved witch said.